What High-Functioning Burnout Actually Looks Like

Burnout has a public-facing image problem. Most people picture collapse as missed deadlines, an inability to get out of bed, an obvious falling apart. High-functioning burnout looks almost nothing like that. It looks like staying late when you’re already running on empty. It looks like saying yes when your body is screaming no. It looks like nailing the presentation and then sitting at home doomscrolling for hours because your self-control and executive functioning are used up.

The people who experience this most acutely are often the ones who appear to have it most together. C-suite professionals, senior managers, physicians, attorneys, and educators who have spent a decade or more being the person others rely on. Eldest daughters and youngest sons who quietly became their families’ emotional infrastructure. People who have never once been told they needed to slow down because they have never once given anyone a reason to worry.

The signs are easy to rationalize away, one at a time. Irritability with a partner or kids. That’s just stress. Difficulty being present in moments that used to matter. That’s just busy. A quiet, persistent sense that something important is missing. That’s just adulthood. But together, these signals aren’t random. They are the nervous system communicating clearly. The problem is that high-functioning burnout trains you to override the signal, not listen to it or respond.

Why Rest Doesn’t Fix High-Functioning Burnout

The advice is always the same: take a break, use your PTO, sleep more, meditate. The honest answer from most people in this state is that they have tried all of those things and still wake up from vacation still tired, still on edge, still burnt out.

That’s not a failure of willpower or self-care. It’s a mismatch between the remedy and the actual problem. Rest addresses depletion. High-functioning burnout is not primarily about depletion. It’s a pattern: a deeply ingrained way of relating to work, other people, and your own needs that has run quietly in the background for years, possibly decades.

When the pattern is the problem, you can rest all you want and return to the exact same conditions that produced the burnout in the first place. The inbox is still there. The team dynamic is still there. The internal standard that says your worth is contingent on your output is still there. Rest creates space. It doesn’t change what fills it.

This is not an argument against rest. Rest matters, but it is a limited intervention for an unlimited pattern. Understanding that distinction is the first step toward actually doing something about it.

The Pattern Underneath the Exhaustion

Depth-oriented therapy is built around a specific clinical question: what is maintaining the problem? Not what caused it originally, though that matters too, but what is actively keeping it in place right now, in this relationship, in this work environment, in this version of you?

For most high-functioning burnout, the problem’s maintenance has roots in early relational experiences. Attachment patterns that taught you it wasn’t safe to have needs, or that your value was conditional on your performance, or that being needed was the closest thing available to being loved. Those patterns don’t announce themselves. They operate below conscious thought, which is why intellectual awareness doesn’t dissolve them.

That’s the thing most people discover after years of reading, therapy, and self-reflection: “I have all the awareness, but I don’t know what to do with it.” Or, more frustratingly, “I know better, and yet I still keep doing the thing.” The gap between knowing and doing is not a knowledge problem. It’s a pattern problem, and it lives in the body, in the nervous system, in the relational dynamics you recreate without meaning to.

This is why the most accomplished, self-aware people can still be exhausted in ways that a weekend retreat cannot touch. The pattern has to be engaged where it actually lives, not talked about from a safe distance.

What Depth-Oriented Therapy Addresses That Wellness Culture Misses

Wellness culture is largely a top-down intervention: manage your thoughts, track your habits, optimize your morning. These tools aren’t useless, but they operate at the level of conscious behavior, and high-functioning burnout isn’t a conscious behavior problem. Moreover, the problem didn’t start consciously, so it’s difficult to heal it only at the cognitive level when it lives deep within you.

Depth-oriented, attachment-based therapy works differently. It’s bottom-up: starting in the body, in the nervous system, in the moment of felt experience, rather than starting with the intellectual reframe. A clinician trained in somatic awareness and relational depth is not just listening to your story. They are tracking what happens in the room as you tell it. Where you hold your breath, when you shift out of contact, and what the pattern looks like when it’s actually operating rather than being described.

This is what we mean when we say we’re not going to talk about it; we’re going to be in it. The work happens in real time, in the relational dynamic between client and clinician. That corrective experience creates the kind of shift that talking about the problem alone cannot.

The Better You Institute’s signature three-phase framework, awareness, transformation, and integration, is built precisely for this. Most people who arrive at The Better You Institute already have significant awareness – done the reading, know their attachment style, and probably had previous therapy that helped, up to a point. The signature framework provides a structured pathway for what comes next. The transformation phase, where the pattern gets engaged directly rather than described, and the integration phase, where the shifts made in session begin to show up in every relationship and every decision outside of it.

When to Recognize You’ve Hit Your Ceiling

There’s a specific experience that brings many high-functioning people to this kind of therapy. Not a crisis. Not a breakdown. A ceiling.

It feels like you’ve done the work, maybe more work than most people you know, and you’re still having the same response in the same situation. You have the same fight, despite learning the communication frameworks. You’ve done the mindfulness practice and the anxiety is still there, managed rather than moved. You’ve read the books, you know who Gabor Maté is, you can explain your nervous system response in clinical language, and the pattern still wins.

That ceiling is not evidence that therapy doesn’t work, that you’re too far gone, or that this is just who you are. It’s evidence that first-order change, adjusting behavior at the surface, has reached its limit. What’s needed now is second-order change, shifting the structure underneath the behavior.

Symptoms of High-Functioning Burnout

• running at 100% for fifteen years and rest doesn’t reach it,
• perform competence for everyone around you and have no idea how to turn it off,
• optimized everything in your outer life and the inner one still feels incomplete

Recognizing it is the first step. It’s also where you may experience the most shame. Together, we will lean into this shame and come out on the other side.

What Comes Next: From Awareness to Actual Change

The path forward from high-functioning burnout is not about doing less, managing better, or adding one more practice to an already overfull routine. It’s about engaging the pattern where it lives. Relationally, somatically, at the root. With a clinician who is trained to work at that level.

At The Better You Institute, the work begins with a free consultation: a real conversation about what’s happening, what you’ve already tried, and whether the approach fits where you are. The matching process is specific by design, because the therapeutic relationship is itself the mechanism of change, and the right fit matters more than availability.

Sessions are private-pay and available in person in Philadelphia, as well as via telehealth across Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and Florida. The weekly cadence is recommended for clients who want to move, because consistency is what creates the corrective experience rather than just describing it.

If what you’ve read here sounds less like a description of burnout and more like a description of you, pay attention to that recognition. Not because something is wrong, but because you’re at the threshold of something different. The goal is not to get back to the version of yourself that was running on empty and calling it fine. The goal is to find out who you are when the pattern is no longer running the show.

To book a free consultation with The Better You Institute, book here.

The post High-Functioning Burnout: Why Rest Isn’t Working and What Actually Does appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Whether you’re starting college for the first time, returning after a break, or heading into another semester, it’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed by the transition. College is more than academics; it’s navigating independence, relationships, finances, time management, and figuring out who you are.

The good news? Adjustment is a process and is manageable when given the right tools. You don’t need to be naturally organized, outgoing, or confident to thrive. You simply need tools that help your brain and body adapt to change.

Here are seven therapist-approved strategies to help you start the semester feeling more grounded and resilient.

1. Expect an Adjustment Period

One of the biggest mistakes students make is believing they should feel settled immediately. Psychologists call transitions periods of adaptation. Even positive changes—moving into a dorm, making new friends, choosing your classes—require mental and emotional energy. Your brain is processing unfamiliar routines, environments, and expectations. Because of this, you may notice:

• Feeling more emotional than usual
• Increased anxiety
• Trouble sleeping
• Difficulty concentrating
• Homesickness
• Feeling disconnected or lonely
• Trouble focusing

These reactions don’t necessarily mean something is wrong. They’re often signs that your nervous system is adjusting.

Action Step: Instead of asking yourself, “Why am I struggling?” Try asking: “What does my brain need while it adjusts?” This simple shift moves you from self-criticism toward self-compassion.

2. Create Routines Before Motivation Shows Up

Many students wait until they “feel motivated” before starting healthy habits. Unfortunately, motivation is inconsistent and often comes in waves. Research consistently shows that routines reduce decision fatigue and increase follow-through. When your schedule becomes predictable, your brain spends less energy deciding what to do next. Start with anchor habits instead of creating an hour-by-hour schedule. Examples include:

• Wake up at the same time each weekday.
• Eat breakfast before your first class.
• Review your planner every evening.
• Walk to class without scrolling on your phone.
• Pack your backpack before bed.

These small habits create stability even when life feels busy or inconsistent.

Action Step: Choose three daily anchors:

• Morning anchor
• Afternoon anchor
• Evening anchor

Consistency matters more than perfection.

3. Stop Treating Rest Like a Reward

Many students believe they must earn rest after they’ve finished everything on their to-do list. The problem? College work is never completely finished. When rest becomes conditional, students often enter a cycle of overworking, burnout, and guilt. Your brain performs best when stress and recovery coexist—not when recovery happens only after exhaustion. Think of rest as maintenance, not laziness. Healthy recovery includes:

• Walking outside
• Reading for pleasure
• Calling a friend
• Stretching
• Listening to music
• Taking breaks between study sessions
• Getting adequate sleep (including guilt-free naps)

Action Step: Schedule recovery into your calendar the same way you schedule classes. Ask yourself: “What am I doing today that helps me recharge, not just achieve?”

4. Learn the Difference Between Stress and Anxiety

College students often use these words interchangeably, but they are different experiences. Stress usually has a clear source. Examples include:

• An upcoming exam
• A paper deadline
• Financial concerns
• A roommate conflict

Anxiety is often more future-focused. It involves persistent worry about what might happen, even when there isn’t immediate danger. Examples include:

• “What if I fail?”
• “What if no one likes me?”
• “What if I chose the wrong major?”
• “What if everyone else is doing better?”

Understanding the difference helps you choose the right coping strategy. If you’re stressed, problem-solving may help. If you’re anxious, grounding your body and challenging unhelpful thoughts may work better.

Action Step: The Worry Check-In. Ask yourself:

• Is this happening now?
• Is this something I can control today?
• What’s one small action I can take?

If the answer is “nothing,” practice letting your mind return to the present moment instead of solving imaginary future problems.

5. Build Connection Before You Need It

One of the strongest protective factors for mental health is social support. Yet many students wait until they’re struggling before reaching out. Connection doesn’t require having dozens of close friends. It can look like:

• Sitting next to the same person in class.
• Introducing yourself to your roommate.
• Joining one club.
• Visiting professors during office hours.
• Attending campus events.
• Starting a study group.

Relationships develop through repeated small interactions, not one perfect conversation or a friendship with pressure to become best friends right away.

Action Step: Focus on consistency, not quantity. Choose one person you’d like to get to know better and take one small step to build the connection each week.

• Sit next to them again in class.
• Ask them to grab coffee or lunch.
• Invite them to study together.
• Follow up after a conversation.
• Ask if they want to attend a campus event with you.

You don’t need to make a best friend overnight. Solid relationships are built through repeated interactions, shared experiences, and showing up over time. Start with one person, one small step, and let the relationship develop naturally.

6. Notice Your Inner Dialogue

Many students talk to themselves the way they would never talk to someone they care about. Examples include: “I should have this figured out.” “Everyone else is doing better.” “I’m already behind.” “I’m not smart enough.” Our brains naturally pay more attention to perceived threats than successes, a tendency called the negativity bias. While this helped humans survive, it can also cause us to overestimate failures and underestimate progress. Instead of believing every thought, practice becoming curious about them. Ask:

• Is this fact or fear?
• What evidence supports this thought?
• What evidence challenges it?
• What would I tell a friend in this situation?

Self-compassion [https://thebetteryouinstitute.com/self-talk-and-self-compassion-examples/] doesn’t lower standards. It creates the emotional safety needed to keep learning after setbacks.

Action Step: When you notice a self-critical thought, replace it with a more balanced one. Instead of: “I’m failing.” Try: “I’m learning something difficult, and that takes time.”

7. Know When to Ask for Help

Many students wait until they’re overwhelmed before reaching out. The reality is that therapy isn’t only for crises. It can help with:

• Anxiety
• Stress management
• Homesickness
• Relationship concerns
• Perfectionism
• Depression
• Academic pressure
• Identity exploration
• Major life changes (like being away from home for the first time)

Seeking support early often prevents problems from becoming more overwhelming later. Just as you wouldn’t wait until you’re severely dehydrated to drink water, you don’t need to wait until you’re in crisis to benefit from mental health support.

Action Step: Before the semester gets busy, identify your support system. Write down:

• One trusted friend
• One family member
• Your academic advisor
• Campus counseling services
• A professor or mentor
• A therapist or healthcare provider

Having these resources written down makes it easier to reach out when you need them.

Final Thoughts

College isn’t about having everything figured out. It’s about learning, not only in the classroom, but also about yourself. Some weeks you’ll feel confident. Other weeks you’ll feel overwhelmed. Both experiences are part of growth. As you begin this semester, remember that success isn’t measured by perfection. It’s built through small, consistent choices: attending class, asking for help, taking breaks, connecting with others, and showing yourself the same kindness you would offer a friend. Give yourself permission to adjust. Growth takes time. And you don’t have to navigate college alone.

Be honest with yourself. If this feels hard or unmanageable the way it is, get support. If you’re finding the transition more difficult than expected, know that reaching out for support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Sometimes the most important skill you’ll develop in college isn’t earning an A on an exam; it’s learning how to balance caring for yourself while pursuing your goals. If this blog resonated, or if you believe therapy is the next best step for you as you adjust to college life, reach out. We work with college and university students all the time. 267-495-4951

The post Back to School: 7 Practical Tools to Help You Adjust and Succeed appeared first on The Better You Institute.

What Awareness Actually Does (and Doesn’t Do) for the Pattern

Awareness is not nothing. Knowing that you tend to over-function in relationships, or that criticism sends you into a defensive spiral, or that you pick partners who need to be fixed — that knowledge matters. It is the beginning of something real. But here’s where many people get stuck: they treat awareness as the destination, when it is really just the first door to change.

The gap between knowing and doing is one of the most common experiences among people who have already done a round (or two, or three) of therapy. “I have all the awareness, but I don’t know what to do with it.” That sentence captures something clinically precise. Insight lives in the prefrontal cortex. Patterns live somewhere older, deeper, and considerably less interested in your well-reasoned self-understanding.

When awareness doesn’t translate into change, it isn’t a personal failure. It’s a signal that the work hasn’t reached the level where the pattern actually lives.

The Maintenance of the Problem: Why the Pattern Keeps Running

One of the most useful frames for understanding why patterns persist is the phenomenon of maintaining the problem. Any behavior, relational dynamic, or emotional response that keeps happening does so because something keeps it in place. Something is feeding it, reinforcing it, making it the most available, and ironically most attractive, option in the moment.

That something is rarely conscious. It might be an unmet need that the pattern, however painfully, has historically tried to address. Or an early relational experience that taught your nervous system a very specific lesson about what to expect from other people. You might have stepped into a role so early in your family system that you’ve never had the chance to question whether it’s actually yours.

Finding what is maintaining the problem is different from naming the problem itself. When you find the maintenance mechanism, you create the possibility of dismantling it. This is because you can see what is actually keeping the pattern alive. And when the maintenance dissolves, the problem very often dissolves with it. That is the clinical logic at the center of depth work. Producing change that lasts past the end of the therapeutic relationship.

Top-Down vs. Bottom-Up Processing: Why Talking About It Isn’t Always Enough

Most people’s first experience of therapy is top-down: you talk about what happened, you identify a thought pattern, you learn a strategy for responding differently. This has real value. It isn’t wrong. But for a significant number of people, particularly those carrying relational wounds, attachment disruptions, or trauma, it runs into a ceiling.

Top-down processing works from the mind downward: insight first, then behavior change. Bottom-up processing works in the opposite direction, starting with the body, the nervous system, the felt sense of what happens in you when a certain kind of moment arrives. Somatic and attachment-based approaches work bottom-up because the patterns they’re targeting were laid down before language, before logic, and certainly before any therapy session.

When you notice your chest tighten in a specific way right before you people-please, or something shuts down in your body when your partner raises their voice even slightly, that is the body carrying the pattern. A therapy approach that can reach that level, work with it in real time, and offer a different relational experience in the room is doing something that talking about the pattern from a safe analytical distance simply cannot replicate.

What a Corrective Experience Actually Feels Like

A corrective experience is not a technique. It is a moment, sometimes quiet, sometimes disorienting, when something happens inside the therapeutic relationship that your nervous system did not expect based on what it learned in prior relationships.

Maybe you say something vulnerable and, instead of being managed or minimized, you are genuinely met. Or you get angry in the room and discover what the relationship holds. Maybe you go silent, and your therapist sits in it with you rather than rushing to fill the space. These are not dramatic moments. But they are the moments where change actually happens, because they give your nervous system lived evidence that the pattern it’s been running is no longer the only option.

This is why depth-oriented therapy often moves people past a ceiling they couldn’t get past in prior treatment. It isn’t about having a better conversation. It’s about a fundamentally different relational experience, one that begins to rewrite what feels possible.

How Depth-Oriented Therapy Works Through the Pattern, Not Around It

At The Better You Institute, the clinical approach is built on a specific premise: “we’re not going to talk about it; we’re going to be in it. That means clinicians are trained to work with what is happening in the room, not just what is being reported about the room. When used skillfully, the dynamic between client and therapist becomes the primary material of the work itself.

This is rooted in attachment theory and psychodynamic principles. When structured well, the therapeutic relationship is a microcosm of every other significant relationship the client has. The same patterns that show up in your marriage, your workplace, and your family system show up in the therapy room too. And a clinician trained to see them, name them, and work with them in real time is doing something qualitatively different from a session that stays in the realm of report and reflection.

For clients who have hit a ceiling in previous therapy, this is often what makes the difference. Not a better technique. A deeper relationship, working at the level where the pattern actually lives.

What Comes After the Pattern: The Three-Phase Framework

Depth-oriented therapy at The Better You Institute follows a three-phase signature framework: Awareness, Transformation, and Integration. Most clients who arrive having done previous therapy enter with some version of Phase One already underway. They have named the pattern. They can describe it with precision. The work here is to deepen that awareness to a somatic and relational level, not just an intellectual one.

Phase Two, Transformation, is where the corrective experience lives. This is the phase in which the pattern is met, worked with, and gradually reorganized from the inside. It’s not linear, and it’s not comfortable in a steady-state way, but it is where the actual change takes root.

Phase Three, Integration, is what happens when the work begins to translate into real life. The couple has a different fight. The high-functioning professional stops over-functioning without consciously deciding to. The reflex that used to run automatically now pauses. This is the phase that makes discharge not just possible but natural, the point at which clients graduate because they are genuinely equipped to meet the hard moments without the same old pattern pulling them back.

If you’ve done therapy before and felt the frustration of knowing better without doing differently, you are not behind. You are, if anything, exactly primed for this level of work. The Better You Institute offers a free consultation as the first step — a conversation designed to understand where you are, what you’ve already tried, and whether the match between what you need and what this practice does is the right one. Fill out the intake form to get started.

The post Why You Still Keep Doing the Thing Even After Therapy appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Sexual shame is learned. It’s shaped by messages you absorbed (explicitly or subtly), experiences you didn’t choose, and the ways your nervous system learned to protect you.

This post is Part 2 of our shame series. If you haven’t read Part 1 yet, start there: shame is the pattern under the pattern.

Sexual shame is learned 

Sex is one of the most vulnerable places to be human. It involves:

• your body
• your needs
• your boundaries
• your desire
• your history

So it makes sense that shame attaches here easily. Sexual shame is learned, not proof that there is something wrong with you.

Why shame attaches to sexuality so easily

Sexuality is often surrounded by:

• secrecy and silence or taboo
• moral rules that get taught without nuance
• performance expectations
• identity-based stigma

When something is both important and taboo, shame thrives.

The I’m broken story and why it’s so common

Sexual shame often sounds like:

• What’s wrong with me?
• Why can’t I just relax?
• Other people don’t struggle like this.

But these thoughts are usually the mind’s attempt to explain a body response that was shaped by protection, not failure.

Where sexual shame comes from

Sexual Beliefs

Sexual shame rarely comes from one place. It’s usually layered: your upbringing, religion, culture, and possible purity messaging have a large influence on how you think or perceive sex and sexuality. For example, many people were taught that sex is dangerous (e.g., unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections), if you desire sex then you’re not lady-like or dirty. Many people learned that pleasure is selfish and that “good people” don’t want too much sex. 

This kind of shame is not just personalist culture. And it deserves care that’s affirming and grounded. Sexual shame can also be shaped by stigma around:

• LGBTQIA+ identity
• body size or appearance
• racialized sexual stereotypes
• disability or chronic illness

Sexual Experiences

Additionally, sexual shame can come from your lived experiences, sexual and nonsexual. Obviously, if you were sexually violated, your body and mind will hold onto that experience most likely in the form of a trauma. However, if you were not touched lovingly by your family members, this can have a profound effect on how you show up in your sexuality and body. If you were rejected when you made a sexual advance, you may experience sexual shame. 

Even if you intellectually disagree now, your nervous system may still carry the old rules. One painful or awkward experience may get generalized to all sexual experiences moving forward. The brain generalizes: This is unsafe. Sometimes shame begins with a painful first experience, a partner’s comment, embarrassment, rejection, or being laughed at. 

Trauma (assault, coercion, boundary violations, medical trauma)

Trauma doesn’t have to look one way. It can include assault, coercion or pressure, repeated boundary crossings, or medical experiences that felt invasive or out of control. Many of our clients who needed a lot of medical attention when they were young learned their body wasn’t their own, but a body to be poked and prodded, and that something was wrong with it. Trauma often teaches the body to protect through shutdown, tension, numbness, or dissociation.

Identity-based shame

How sexual shame shows up in relationships and in your body

Sexual shame isn’t just a thought. It changes how you show up. Avoidance, numbing, going along with it, or performing/fawning are all parts of sexual shame. You may also find yourself over-explaining, apologizing, or needing constant reassurance. Not because you’re needy, but because your nervous system is scanning for rejection. Sexual shame may also cause pain, tension, shutdown, or dissociation during intimacy.

Shame can lead to:

• avoiding sex entirely
• saying yes when you mean no
• performing to keep connection
• disconnecting from your own pleasure

Shame often creates a loop of doubt and reassurance seeking:

• I’m sorry I’m like this
• Are you mad?
• Are we okay?

Shame and trauma body responses:

• pelvic floor tightening
• pain with insertion
• freezing or going numb

• feeling far away from your body
• Inability to get or maintain an erection

Decrease in Desire: 

• stress load 
• emotional safety
• resentment and repair

• whether you feel pressured or chosen
• Responsive desire vs. spontaneous desire

Your body isn’t the obstacle, and it’s not broken. It’s communicating. Desire is not just hormones or attraction; it’s a holistic view of what is happening in your life, body, and mind. 

Shame vs. Guilt 

This is one of the most important distinctions:

I did something bad vs. I am bad

• Guilt: I crossed a boundary. I want to repair it.
• Shame: My desire is wrong. My body is wrong. I am wrong.

Shame makes sexuality feel like a verdict. Healing makes it feel like information.

Why consent and choice are the antidote to shame

Shame thrives in pressure. Therefore, consent and choice rebuild:

• agency
• safety
• trust in your own yes and no

What healing looks like (paced, not forced)

Healing sexual shame and trauma isn’t about pushing yourself into experiences your body isn’t ready for. It’s about building safety first, then expanding what’s possible. 

Awareness and Stabilization: first safety, boundaries, nervous-system regulation. 

Early work often includes:

• learning to notice shame cues in the body
• building boundaries that reduce pressure
• regulation tools that help you stay present

Processing: making meaning without re-traumatizing. Processing does not (and should not) mean re-living the trauma or shame experience. 

It means:

• understanding what happened
• naming what you learned about yourself

• updating the story with compassion and truth
• being witnessed/seen in your hardships without judgment or pressure to change

Integration: building new experiences of choice, pleasure, and connection.

Integration looks like:

• small, safe experiments
• expanding intimacy beyond penetration
• learning what feels good to you

How sex therapy helps (what you’ll actually do in sessions)

Sex therapy is not about forcing sex. It’s about helping you build a relationship with your body that includes safety, choice, and connection. Sex therapy helps you map triggers and protective strategies without pathologizing. At TBYI, we don’t pathologize your coping. We decode it. You then have the choice of intentionally shifting your understanding of those triggers and your responses. 

We look at:

• what activates shame
• what your body does to protect you

• what your relationship cycle looks like under stress
• what do you need to feel safe

Communication and consent scripts, so intimacy stops being a test. Youll learn language that reduces pressure, like:

• I want closeness, and I’m not available for penetration tonight.
• If I go to yellow, I’m going to slow down.
• Stopping is part of the plan, not a failure.

Somatic tools for shutdown and anxiety (bottom-up support). We use nervous-system tools that support the body, including:

• breathwork
• grounding
• pacing and stop-light systems
• expanding the window of tolerance

Coordinating care when needed because healing is often a team effort. When appropriate, we coordinate with:

• pelvic floor physical therapy

• medical providers for rule-outs
• inviting a partner into your therapeutic space for support and understanding

Reclaiming a grounded relationship to your body and pleasure. Healing isn’t about becoming a different person, it’s about becoming more with yourself. Pleasure as information not performance. Pleasure isn’t a goal you have to hit. Instead, it’s information for what feels safe, what feels connecting, and what feels like yes.

Expanding intimacy beyond penetration 

For many couples, pressure is the fastest way to shut desire down. Our goal in sex therapy is to reduce pressure and increase pleasure, fun, relaxation, and a feeling of connection. 

Expanding intimacy can include:

• touch without an agenda
• sensuality without performance
• closeness that doesn’t require “finishing” or orgasming

Earned safety over time

Safety isn’t a mindset. It’s a lived experience.

Small wins matter:

• one honest boundary
• one repair conversation
• one moment of staying present in your body

FAQs

Can I heal sexual shame even if I don’t remember a specific trauma?

Yes. You don’t need a single origin story for your body’s responses to be real. Therapy can help you work with what’s happening now and build safety from there. Many therapy models, such as narrative therapy, EMDR, or Somatic therapy, help you bring to consciousness what happened. 

Does sexual shame go away in a relationship, or do I need therapy?

A supportive relationship can help, but shame often needs direct healing work, especially if it’s tied to trauma, identity-based stigma, or long-standing patterns. Therapy gives you structure, pacing, and tools, as well as a supportive relationship that curates healing. 

What if I freeze or dissociate during intimacy, does that mean I’m not ready?

Freezing or dissociation is a protective response. It’s information, not a failure or a sign that you’re broken or not ready. A trauma-informed approach helps you build readiness through safety and choice, not pressure.

Next step: get support that respects your nervous system

If sexual shame or trauma is shaping your body’s responses, your desire, or your ability to feel safe with intimacy, sex therapy can help you heal at a pace that respects your nervous system.

The post Healing Sexual Shame & Trauma: Where It Comes From, How It Shows Up, and Why You’re Not Broken appeared first on The Better You Institute.

What is shame? 

Shame is the belief (often automatic, often old) that:

• Something is wrong with me, or
• If people really knew me, they’d reject me.

It doesn’t always show up as a clear thought. Sometimes it shows up as a body feeling: heat in the face, a drop in the stomach, a tight throat, a sudden urge to disappear.

The difference between Shame vs. Guilt 

This distinction is one of the most useful reframes in therapy:

• Guilt: I did something wrong. (behavior-focused)
• Shame: I am wrong. (identity-focused)

Guilt can guide repair. Recognizing “I did a bad thing” helps you move toward fixing it, repairing it, or at least owning it and its impacts on others. Shame tends to block repair because if you believe you are the problem, it can feel safer to defend, hide, or withdraw than to stay present. You either don’t feel it is fixable, or you don’t feel deserving of the fix with shame. 

Healthy shame signals vs. toxic shame patterns

Sometimes shame is a quick social signal and can be a humbling experience. You may experience something that you’re not proud of or can’t quite hold for yourself. Shame is a signal to do the work or to let someone or something else go before you. 

However, toxic shame is different. It’s chronic, global, and sticky. It doesn’t just say, “That wasn’t my best moment.” It says, “This proves I’m not enough.” Shame often keeps you stuck and spiraling, not moving forward. 

How shame shows up in real life

Shame is sneaky. It often disguises itself as productivity, independence, or being “fine.” The inner critic voice sounds so convincing. It’s most likely been there most of your life, and shame has you believing these thoughts are true about yourself or the world around you. This can lead you to do more to prove yourself (your worth is tied to what you can produce), become hyper-independent so you don’t burden others or challenge those shame beliefs, or not let anyone in. 

The inner critic of shame often sounds like:

• You should be over this by now.
• Don’t be needy.
• If you mess up, people will see who you really are.

It can feel like truth, but it’s usually a protective strategy: harshness meant to prevent rejection. 

Perfectionism, over-functioning, and “I should be able to handle this.” Perfectionism is often shame in a high-achieving outfit.

It tries to solve belonging by performance:

• If I do everything right, I’ll be safe.
• If I’m impressive enough, I won’t be rejected.

People-pleasing, fawning, and fear of disappointing others also stem from shame. People-pleasing isn’t just being kind. It can be a nervous-system strategy:

• Anticipating what others want
• Smoothing conflict quickly
• Saying yes when you mean no

Underneath is often a fear: If I upset you, I’ll lose you.

Avoidance, procrastination, numbing, and checking out

Shame can also look like:

• Putting things off because starting feels exposing
• Numbing with scrolling, substances, overwork
• Avoiding hard conversations

Not because you don’t care but because exposure feels dangerous.

What shame does subconsciously 

Shame doesn’t just affect mood. It shapes choices. Shame narrows your choices, which is why you default to old coping strategies even when you’re trying to learn and grow. When shame is activated, your brain prioritizes protection over growth. That’s why you might:

• Go quiet instead of speaking up
• Over-explain instead of setting a boundary
• Get defensive instead of staying curious

Shame makes your nervous system scan for rejection

When you’re in a shame state, neutral cues can feel loaded:

• A partner’s tone
• A delayed text
• A facial expression

Your body may interpret them as: I’m in trouble. Shame blocks repair (because apologizing feels like annihilation). Repair requires staying present with discomfort. But shame can make repair feel like:

• humiliation
• exposure
• proof you’re unlovable

So you protect yourself, and the relationship pays the price.

Shame in relationships: the pattern under the pattern

Many couples think they’re fighting about dishes, sex, money, or parenting. Often, they’re fighting about belonging. Shame can often create distance in the form of withdrawal, defensiveness, and stonewalling. 

Shame can sound like:

• Whatever.
• It doesn’t matter.
• I’m fine.

But underneath is often: I don’t feel safe being seen or I don’t trust you’ll see me the way I want to be seen. 

How shame creates conflict (criticism, control, blame, keeping score)

Sometimes shame flips into control:

• Criticizing first so you can’t be criticized
• Keeping score to avoid feeling taken advantage of
• Blaming to avoid feeling exposed

Shame and attachment: why closeness can feel unsafe

If closeness has historically come with judgment, unpredictability, or emotional cost, your body may experience intimacy as risk. Shame can become the bridge between attachment fear and relationship behavior. You often feel undeserving of healthy love, or you see the disconnect as normal and “fine”. 

As children, we naturally work to preserve the relationship because it helps us survive. This may mean developing a shame narrative around who you are and who the world is. Children will often go inward as it is too risky to believe things about their caregivers. If you believe your parent is terrible, it will rupture the connection and your survival safety. 

Why shame keeps repeating the shame cycle

Shame tends to run a predictable loop:

Trigger → story → body response → behavior → aftermath

• Trigger: feedback, conflict, a mistake, a look
• Story: I’m failing. I’m too much. I’m not enough.
• Body response: heat, collapse, tension, urgency
• Behavior: withdraw, defend, over-function, people-please
• Aftermath: relief, regret, and more shame

Why reassurance doesn’t stick when shame is driving

Reassurance can help, but shame often interprets it as temporary or has difficulty believing it. Because shame isn’t asking, “Do you love me?” It’s asking, “Am I fundamentally acceptable?” 

How to start healing shame without toxic positivity

Healing shame isn’t about thinking happy thoughts. It’s about building safety, truth, and repair. 

Name it: This is shame, not truth. Shame loses power when it’s identified.

Try:

• I’m having a shame response.
• My body thinks I’m in danger of rejection.

Work with the body (regulation before insight)

If your body is activated, insight won’t land.

Start with:

• slower exhale breathing
• grounding (feet on floor, orient to the room)
• unclenching jaw/shoulders

Practice repair: small, specific vulnerability (not big confessions)

Repair doesn’t have to be dramatic.

Try:

• I got defensive because I felt ashamed.
• Can we try that again? I want to stay connected.

Build a new inner voice  that is compassionate

Compassion isn’t letting yourself off the hook.

It’s telling the truth without cruelty:

• This is hard.
• I can learn.
• I’m still worthy of connection.

When therapy helps heal from shame and what it looks like

Therapy can be especially helpful when shame is tied to:

• trauma or chronic invalidation
• identity-based stigma
• relationship cycles that keep repeating

A shame-informed approach focuses on pace, safety, nervous-system regulation, and repair- not forcing vulnerability before your body is ready. Our therapists at The Better You Institute take a relational approach to working with shame. First, we meet you in your shame. Again, reassuring you of something may actually increase your shame. Then, we start to slowly relate to you and your nervous system in safer, more reassuring ways. 

FAQs

Is shame the same as low self-esteem?

No. Low self-esteem is often about evaluation (I’m not good enough). Shame is about belonging (I’m not acceptable). They overlap, but shame tends to be more body-based and relational.

Can shame cause anxiety or depression symptoms?

Yes. Chronic shame can keep your nervous system in threat mode, which can look like anxiety, irritability, shutdown, numbness, or depression.

How do I stop a shame spiral in the moment?

Start with the body: slow your exhale, orient to your environment, and name what’s happening (This is shame). Then choose one small repair step instead of a big self-attack.afety and protection. Pick one interrupt and run it for seven days. That’s how the loop starts to loosen.

The post Shame: What It Is, How It Shows Up, and How It Shapes Your Relationships appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Used well, dilators support:

• Pelvic floor softening (instead of bracing)
• Nervous-system safety (choice, pacing, control)
• Confidence with insertion over time

Used poorly, dilators may reinforce fear and pain. This guide is the used well version.

What dilators are (and what they’re not)

Dilators are a set of gradually sized, smooth inserts designed to help your body tolerate insertion comfortably.

Dilators vs forcing penetration

Dilators are not:

• A test of willpower
• A way to get it over with
• Something you do while dissociating or gritting your teeth

Dilators are:

• A consent-based exposure tool
• A way to practice relaxation and control
• A bridge between I can’t and I can, gently

Who dilators can help

Dilators may be helpful if you experience:

• A ‘hit-a-wall’ feeling or involuntary tightening
• Pain at the opening with insertion
• Fear/anticipation that makes your body clamp down
• Difficulty with tampons or pelvic exams

Before you start using dilators: safety and setup

You deserve a plan that’s safe, not DIY pressure. When to check with a medical provider

Consider medical support if you have:

• New or worsening pain
• Burning/itching/discharge (possible infection)
• Skin changes, tearing, bleeding, or suspected dermatologic issues
• Postpartum or hormonal changes that may be affecting tissue comfort

When to work with pelvic floor PT or sex therapy

Dilators tend to go best with guidance if:

• You panic, freeze, or dissociate with insertion
• Pain is sharp/burning and persistent
• You’ve had trauma history or repeated painful attempts
• You’re not sure whether the issue is muscle guarding vs tissue sensitivity (often both)

Hygiene, lube, and environment

• Wash hands and the dilator with warm water and gentle soap (per manufacturer guidance)
• Use generous lube (water-based is the safest default)
• Choose a private, unrushed time
• Have pillows, a towel, and a plan to stop anytime

The core principles of dilator use: slow, consensual, and predictable

If you remember nothing else, remember this: your nervous system learns through safety and repetition.

The stop-light system

• Green: comfortable, curious
• Yellow: tension rising; slow down, pause, breathe, add lube
• Red: sharp pain, panic, numbness, get it over with urgency; stop

Pain rules (what’s okay vs not)

• Stretchy pressure or mild discomfort that stays in green/yellow can be okay.
• Sharp, burning, tearing pain is a red light.
• If youre holding your breath, clenching your jaw, or dissociating, thats information: youre outside your window of tolerance.

Consistency over intensity

A little practice, done consistently, is more effective than rare big pushes.

Step-by-step: your first session; aim for 5-10 minutes total. We recommend doing this exercise on your own. However, if you have a partner that you know and trust, you may invite them to help.

Positioning and breathing during dilator use

• Lie on your back with knees bent, feet supported
• Take 35 slow breaths
• On each exhale, imagine the pelvic floor softening and widening

Insertion basics and time limits of dilators

1. Start with the smallest size.
2. Apply lube to the dilator and the vaginal opening.
3. Touch the dilator to the entrance first, pause, and breathe.
4. Insert only as far as your body stays in green/yellow.
5. Hold still and breathe for 30-60 seconds.

Optional: very gentle micro-movements (a few millimeters) if your body stays calm.

What to do if you hit a wall

Stop and troubleshoot without judgment:

• Add more lube
• Try a different angle (slightly downward toward the tailbone)
• Exhale longer
• Reduce depth
• End the session and try again later

How to progress up in dilator sizes 

Progress is not linear. The goal is trust, not speed. Signs you’re ready to move up

You may be ready when:

• You can insert the current size with minimal tension
• Your breath stays steady
• You can hold for 2-3 minutes comfortably

• You feel more in control than enduring
• You trust yourself and the process, and feel safe where you are

Common setbacks during dilator use and how to respond

Setbacks happen with:

• Stress, sleep deprivation, conflict
• Rushed attempts
• Skipping warm-up

Response plan:

• Go down a size
• Shorten the session
• Return to breathing-only practice for a day or two

How often to practice using dilators

A common starting point is 3-4x/week for 5-10 minutes. More is not always better, especially when it becomes a source of pressure. Yes, this can feel like it’s a lot or overwhelming at first. However, your nervous system builds trust and shifts its response based on consistency, repetition, and safety. How often you practice is just as important as the actual use of dilators in your vaginal canal. 

Bringing dilator work into partnered sex (if you want)

You don’t have to involve a partner, and we recommend not bringing your partner in at first. If you do want to bring them into your practice, keep it simple and consent-forward.

Transition steps

• Partner stays present (hand-holding, eye contact) while you do the practice
• Partner applies lube and supports pacing (only if you want)
• Eventually: use the stop-light system during arousal/outercourse before any penetration attempts

Communication and consent

Try:

• I’m practicing trust with my body. I need you to follow my pace.
• Yellow means slow down. Red means stop. No questions.

When dilators aren’t the right tool for vaginal pain or painful intercourse

Dilators may not be the best next step if:

• High anxiety/panic responses
• If insertion triggers panic, shutdown, or dissociation, start with nervous-system work first (often with a therapist).
• Suspected skin/nerve pain conditions
• If pain is primarily burning/stinging at the opening, you may need medical evaluation and/or pelvic floor PT before dilators.
• Relationship pressure dynamics
• If you feel pressured to graduate to penetration for someone else, dilators can become another performance demand. Therapy can help reset the container.

Next step: get a personalized plan

If you’re not sure where to start or you’ve tried dilators and felt stuck, sex therapy can help you build a plan that fits your body, your history, and your relationship dynamics. Reach out to see if one of our expert therapists can help you find sexual freedom. 

The post Dilators 101: A Safe, Gradual Approach to Sexual Freedom appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Add in the task of putting on a smile and talking to a stranger? Now the evening feels downright insurmountable. 

What is happening here? When did dating start to feel like a chore instead of a desire for connection? When did the excitement of meeting a new person turn into dread? 

Why dating apps feel so exhausting in your 30s

While modern dating app culture certainly contributes to burnout (the endless swiping, app overload, ghosting), dating fatigue often indicates something more. Dating fatigue is more than simply “being tired of dating.” It’s the emotional exhaustion that develops after repeated cycles of hope, vulnerability, exhaustion, disappointment, uncertainty, and performance. Over time, dating begins to feel less about authentic connection and more like a box to check. 

How dating fatigue shows up

Performance can sometimes function as protection. Exhaustion may actually be unresolved grief. What looks like disappointment can be rooted in resentment, while anxiety may present as disinterest or emotional detachment. In many cases, these reactions are your nervous system signaling that a situation no longer feels emotionally sustainable or psychologically safe.

The “Reset Without Giving Up” plan 

Dating fatigue doesn’t always mean it’s time to quit. Sometimes it’s an invitation to date differently. But how? 

1. Shift your narrative.

Many people approach dating from a place of scarcity, urgency, or self-criticism. This can sound like:

• “Why hasn’t this happened for me yet?”
• “Am I falling behind?”
• “What’s wrong with me?”
• “I’m so tired of wasting my time.”

That narrative turns every date into an analysis of your self-worth and a race against an invisible clock. 

A more intentional reframe might sound like: 

• “Can I stay connected to myself while getting to know someone else?”
• “What do I notice about myself in dating dynamics?”
• “What kind of connection actually feels nourishing to me?”

Shifting your narrative shifts the goal from securing an outcome to developing awareness, discernment, and emotional congruence while exploring a new experience. 

2. Get honest and clear about your dating intentions.

A surprising amount of dating fatigue comes from internal ambivalence.

You may say you want a partnership while simultaneously:

• avoiding vulnerability,
• choosing emotionally unavailable people,
• over-functioning,
• people pleasing,
• or continuing to date from a place of loneliness rather than readiness.

Therapy can help untangle the difference between wanting connection and wanting relief from discomfort. Those are not always the same thing.

3. Pursue new experiences.

Sometimes the fatigue is less about dating itself and more about the repetitive structure surrounding it.

If every date feels like drinks after work or surface-level interview questions, the exploration and surprise have been removed from the experience. Your nervous system may have begun to associate dating with depletion and dullness rather than curiosity and energy. 

Different environments create different emotional experiences. A walk, daytime coffee, shared activity, shorter first dates, or slower pacing can radically change how dating feels in your body.

4. Stop overriding your own signals.

But maybe you’ve tried this, and your body seems to be telling you the same thing, so maybe it’s time you listened. 

Many people continue dating long after they’ve become emotionally flooded, cynical, numb, or resentful because they believe they should keep trying.

Constantly pushing through exhaustion often disconnects you from yourself. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is pause long enough to ask:

• What exactly am I tired of?
• What experiences keep repeating?
• What am I hoping dating will resolve for me?
• What would it look like to date from self-trust instead of fear?

5. Let therapy become a place for exploration.

Dating fatigue is rarely just about dating.

It is often a signal for deeper self-exploration and opens the door to new questions around attachment, self-worth, loneliness, vulnerability, rejection, identity, boundaries, and relational patterns.

Therapy can help you understand your own dating cycle and the emotional patterns you keep recreating, and then build a relationship with yourself that makes dating feel less performative, less frantic, and more intentional.

The goal isn’t simply to find a partnership. It’s to create a dating experience that doesn’t require self-abandonment or performance, but instead allows you to stay emotionally present enough to recognize meaningful connection when it arrives.

FAQ

1. Is dating fatigue normal in your 30s?

Dating fatigue is a common experience, especially after repeated cycles of excitement, disappointment, rejection, ghosting, and emotional effort. It can be a sign that your current approach to dating is no longer feeling sustainable.

2. What are the signs of dating fatigue? 

Dating fatigue can look like dread before dates, emotional numbness, cynicism, losing excitement about meeting someone new, or feeling like dating has become a task instead of a choice. Sometimes exhaustion is not a lack of desire for connection — it is a sign that something needs attention.

3. How do I know if I want a relationship or just don’t want to be alone?

Wanting connection is human, but sometimes we seek relationships to quiet loneliness, pressure, or fear. Therapy can help you explore whether you are moving toward a relationship from self-trust or from a need to escape discomfort.

4. Can therapy help with dating anxiety and relationship patterns? 

Yes! Therapy can help you understand the patterns you bring into dating, including attachment, vulnerability, boundaries, self-worth, and the types of connections you repeatedly pursue. The goal is not just to find a relationship — it is to build a relationship with yourself that allows for healthier connection.

The post Dating Fatigue in Your 30s: Signs of Burnout and How Therapy Can Help appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Of course, the details matter. Couples do need to talk about responsibilities, needs, intimacy, trust, parenting, money, time, and all the everyday things that make up a shared life.

But sometimes, what looks like a “communication issue” is actually something deeper happening in the body. Your nervous system may be sensing a threat, even when your partner is not trying to threaten you.

That can make a conversation feel bigger, faster, sharper, or more painful than either person intended. And once both people are activated, your nervous systems are speaking to one another, making it very difficult to hear each other clearly. 

What does the nervous system have to do with relationship conflict?

Your nervous system is constantly scanning for safety and danger. This happens automatically, often before you have time to think through what is happening. Yes, your nervous system recognizes things before your thoughts and feelings. 

In relationships, this can show up when something touches an old wound, fear, insecurity, or pattern.

• A simple comment might land as criticism.
• A pause might feel like rejection.
• A request might feel like control.
• A disagreement might feel like abandonment.
• A question may ignite insecurity.

When that happens, the body can shift into protection mode. You may know this as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. These are common stress responses that can shape how we react when we feel overwhelmed or unsafe. The Attachment Project describes fight, flight, freeze, and fawn as ways the body responds to perceived threat, including fighting back, wanting to escape, shutting down, or trying to please to avoid conflict.

In a relationship, those responses might look like:

• Fight: arguing, criticizing, interrupting, getting louder, needing to “win”
• Flight: leaving the room, avoiding the conversation, distracting, shutting the topic down
• Freeze: going blank, feeling numb, not knowing what to say, becoming very still
• Fawn: over-apologizing, saying “it’s fine” when it is not, abandoning your own needs to keep the peace

These responses are not character flaws but protective strategies. When our alarm system takes over, connection is impossible. You cannot protect and connect at the same time. 

Signs your relationship conflict may be nervous system activation

A relationship problem may have a nervous system component if:

• You go from calm to overwhelmed very quickly.
• You feel like you cannot think clearly during conflict.
• Your body reacts before you fully understand why.
• You shut down, go blank, or feel trapped.
• You become defensive even when part of you knows your partner has a point.
• You feel an intense need to fix things immediately.
• You feel abandoned, criticized, controlled, or rejected, even when the current situation may not fully match that feeling.
• You and your partner keep having the same fight, but the actual topic keeps changing.
• You reflect and realize it wasn’t that intense, and often feel regret after the experience.

This does not mean the relationship issue is not real. It means your body may be bringing more information into the moment than the conversation itself.

“But aren’t we still responsible for how we act?”

Yes.

Understanding your nervous system is not an excuse for hurtful behavior. It is a way to build more awareness and choice. A trauma-informed approach does not say, “I reacted this way, so you just have to accept it,” rather, “Something in me got activated. I want to understand it, take responsibility, and learn how to respond differently.” Ultimately, to be able to regulate in the moment and respond to the moment, not to your nervous system.

That distinction matters. In healthy relationships, both people are allowed to have feelings. Both people are also responsible for how they handle those feelings.

Why couples get stuck in repeating patterns

Many couples do not just have repeating arguments. They have repeating protection strategies. One partner may move toward the conflict because distance feels scary. The other may move away from the conflict because the intensity feels unsafe. One person pursues. One person withdraws. (Often what is referred to as the chaser/distancer or pursuer/withdrawer dynamic in the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy.) Then the pursuer feels abandoned, and the withdrawer feels overwhelmed. Both people are trying to feel safe, but the way each seeks safety may trigger the other. This is how couples get stuck once their nervous systems have learned different ways to survive a threat to safety.

How trauma can affect relationships

Trauma can shape how we interpret closeness, conflict, trust, and emotional safety.

If you have experienced abandonment, betrayal, criticism, emotional neglect, unpredictable caregiving, or unsafe relationships, your body may have learned to prepare for danger quickly.

That can show up later as:

• expecting rejection, control, or confusion
• feeling responsible for everyone’s emotions
• needing reassurance often
• discomfort in calm moments
• feeling uncomfortable with vulnerability
• shutting down when emotions get intense
• becoming highly alert to changes in tone, facial expression, or distance
• struggling to receive feedback or questions

Trauma-informed couples therapy recognizes that these patterns usually developed for a reason. They may have helped you get through something (very adaptive for the time), but they may not be helping you build the kind of relationship you want now (now maladaptive for what you’re building).

SAMHSA describes trauma-informed care as an approach rooted in principles such as safety, trust, collaboration, empowerment, and choice.

In couples work, those principles matter deeply. Partners often need more than better scripts. They need to understand what safety actually feels like in the relationship.

Questions to ask yourself during conflict

The next time you feel activated, it may help to pause and ask:

• What is happening in my body right now?
• Am I reacting to this moment, or does this feel familiar from somewhere else?
• Do I feel criticized, abandoned, controlled, unseen, or unsafe?
• What am I trying to protect?
• What do I need before I can have this conversation well?
• This does not mean you have to analyze yourself perfectly in the middle of a fight. Even noticing, “I am activated right now,” can be a meaningful first step.
• Is my partner’s activation triggering to me? 

Questions couples can ask together

When both partners are calm, it can help to talk about the pattern instead of the latest argument.

Try asking:

• What usually happens between us when conflict starts? What is the underlying unmet need that each of us is craving?
• How do each of us protect ourselves?
• When do I feel most disconnected from you?
• When do you feel most misunderstood by me?
• What helps your body feel safe enough to stay present?
• What makes things worse, even if I do not mean it that way?
• What do you notice about me when I’m triggered or activated?

These questions can shift the focus from “Who is right?” to “What is happening between us?”

How couples therapy can help

Couples therapy or marriage counseling can help partners slow down the cycle and understand what is happening underneath the conflict.

Trauma-informed couples therapy may help you:

• recognize nervous system activation before it takes over
• understand each partner’s protective patterns
• communicate needs without blame
• repair after conflict
• build emotional safety
• identify attachment wounds that show up in the relationship
• create new ways of responding instead of repeating the same fight
• get corrective experiences in the moment
• expand your empathy, understanding, and compassion for yourself and your partner

Individual trauma therapy can also be helpful, especially when relationship conflict activates older pain, fear, shame, or survival responses. Sometimes this is recommended before couples therapy to help regulate when things get activated in the relational therapy.

How do I know if I have a relationship problem or a nervous system problem?

It may be both, as the relationship issue may be real. The emotional reaction may also be shaped by your nervous system. You may need clearer communication, better boundaries, more repair, and more accountability.

You may also need more safety, regulation, self-understanding, and compassion for the parts of you that learned to protect you.

The goal is not to stop having conflict altogether. Healthy couples still disagree. In fact, couples who do not have arguments are probably in a trauma response relationship. The goal is to recognize when you are no longer just talking about the issue in front of you. And when you can understand that with care, curiosity, and support, the conversation can begin to change.

Therapy for relationship patterns and nervous system regulation

At The Better You Institute, we help individuals and couples better understand the patterns that keep them feeling stuck, disconnected, or overwhelmed.

Our trauma-informed approach considers not just what is happening in the relationship, but what may be happening in the nervous system underneath the conflict.

Whether you are seeking individual therapy, couples therapy, or support around trauma and attachment patterns, therapy can help you move toward more awareness, safety, and connection.

Ready to better understand your patterns? Contact The Better You Institute to learn more about therapy in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, or Florida.

FAQ

Can nervous system regulation improve my relationship?

Yes, it can help. Nervous system regulation does not solve every relationship issue on its own, but it can make difficult conversations more possible. When you are less activated, you are often better able to listen, speak clearly, and repair after conflict.

Why do I shut down during arguments?

Shutting down can be a freeze response. It may happen when your body feels overwhelmed, threatened, or unable to respond. This can be especially common for people with trauma histories or past experiences where conflict did not feel safe.

Why does my partner get defensive so quickly?

Defensiveness can be a protective response. Your partner may be hearing criticism, rejection, or failure, even if that is not what you intended. This does not mean defensiveness is helpful, but understanding it can create a better path toward change.

Is couples therapy only for communication problems?

No. Couples therapy can support communication, but it can also help with trust, attachment patterns, emotional and sexual intimacy, trauma responses, recurring conflict, emotional disconnection, and life transitions.

What is trauma-informed couples therapy?

Trauma-informed couples therapy considers how past experiences, attachment wounds, and nervous system responses may affect the relationship. It emphasizes safety, pacing, collaboration, and emotional awareness.

The post Is This a Relationship Problem or a Nervous System Problem? appeared first on The Better You Institute.

It makes sense that people are turning to artificial intelligence (AI) for relationship help. When you are upset, confused, or hurt, you may want answers right away. You may want to know if you are overreacting or if you need help finding the right words. You may want someone, or something, to tell you what just happened.

So you open ChatGPT, Claude, or another AI tool and type something like:

• “Help me respond to my partner.”
• “Am I wrong for feeling this way?”
• “Why do we keep having the same fight?”
• “Write a text that explains my needs without sounding needy.”

There can be real usefulness in that. AI can help you slow down, organize your thoughts, and consider language that feels calmer than what you might send in the heat of the moment.

But AI is not couples therapy. It is not a neutral third party, as a trained therapist can be. Frankly, it cannot fully understand the emotional, relational, cultural, or nervous system context of what is happening between two people. Moreover, it is biased toward you. A trained couples therapist will view the couple as the client and remain attuned to what is best for the relationship (yes, even if that means breaking up). AI is programmed to see you as the hero. 

What are the pros of using AI for my relationship? 

Why people use AI for relationship advice

People often use AI for relationship support because it is immediate, private, and nonjudgmental. You do not have to wait for an appointment or explain yourself perfectly. You can ask the same question five different ways and even admit things you might feel embarrassed to say out loud.

Getting immediate support can feel relieving, especially when you are activated or unsure what to do next.

Recent reporting has also noted that more couples are using tools like ChatGPT and Claude to mediate conflict, rehearse conversations, or make sense of arguments in their relationships. Some therapists have even seen clients bring AI-generated summaries of conflicts into therapy sessions.

All of this can be helpful in the moment. However, AI isn’t always as helpful as you think it is. We need to be thoughtful about what we ask it to do.

What AI can help with in relationship conflict

AI may be helpful for low-stakes support, especially when you are using it as a reflection tool rather than a decision-maker.

It can help you:

• organize your thoughts before a hard conversation
• draft a calmer version of a text or email
• identify possible needs underneath your frustration
• practice using “I” statements
• brainstorm questions to ask your partner
• reflect on whether your message sounds blaming or clear
• prepare for a therapy session
• summarize what you want to discuss with your partner

For example, instead of sending the first angry text you write, you might ask AI: “Can you help me rewrite this so it is honest but less reactive?”

That can be useful, as a brief pause can prevent a larger rupture. Additionally, you can start learning how to have more immediate, less reactive responses over time. 

What are the cons for using AI for my relationship? 

Where AI starts to fall short

AI becomes more limited when you ask it to interpret the whole relationship. That is because AI usually has only your side of the story, which may be completely sincere yet incomplete. Where therapists, especially systemic-thinking therapists like couples and family therapists or social workers, are trained not just to hear your side but to make inferences based on cultural, familial, and societal patterns that show up in relationships. 

When we are hurt, our brains naturally organize information around our pain. We may leave out details that make us feel vulnerable, responsible, uncertain, or ashamed. We may describe our partner’s actions more clearly than our own. We may write from the most activated part of ourselves.

AI can then respond to the version of the story it has been given, which may feel validating. But validation is not the same as relational truth. A trained couples therapist is not just listening for who is right. They are listening for the pattern, what’s underneath the surface, and the processes that are playing out. 

• What happens before the conflict escalates?
• What does each partner do to protect themselves?
• Where does the conversation shift from connection to defense?
• What is being asked for, but not clearly said?
• What old wound might be getting touched?
• What repair is needed now?
• How is the couple’s dynamic influencing their perceptions in that moment? 

AI can mimic empathy, but it does not actually know you, your partner, your history, your body language, or the emotional field between you.

AI may accidentally reinforce your story

One risk of using AI to address relationship conflict is that it may reinforce the story you already believe.

If you ask, “Is my partner being manipulative?” the answer may organize itself around manipulation. Or, if you ask, “Why does my partner never care about my feelings?” the answer may accept that premise. Taking things further, if you ask, “What should I say to prove my point?” the tool may help you build a stronger argument rather than a more honest connection.

This is not necessarily because AI is trying to harm your relationship. It is simply responding to the prompt. And, the basic truth is that when we are activated, we do not always write neutral prompts. AI also doesn’t have context unless you give it, but even then, it could be skewed by your perspective. 

AI cannot read the room, or the relationship

A couple’s therapist pays attention to things AI cannot fully see:

• Tone.
• Timing.
• Facial expression.
• Body language.
• Pauses.
• Tension.
• Avoidance.
• Tears.
• Sarcasm.
• Fear.
• Shutdown.
• Underlying processes.
• Unmet needs. 
• Overfunctioning. 
• Relational dynamics that are less tangible.

The moment one partner says, “I’m fine,” but their body says something very different. Those cues matter in trauma-informed couples therapy, because the body is part of the conversation. A partner who looks “cold” may actually be frozen. A partner who sounds “angry” may be scared. A partner who keeps explaining may be trying desperately not to feel abandoned.

AI can offer general possibilities, but a therapist can help you notice what is actually happening in the room. The difference is content (where AI can help) versus process (where a couples therapist thrives). 

AI is not bound to your care in the same way therapy is

Therapy is a professional relationship. It has ethical standards, confidentiality expectations, clinical training, and a responsibility to your well-being.

General-purpose AI tools are not the same thing.

The American Psychological Association has warned that AI chatbots and wellness apps raise consumer-safety concerns, particularly when people use them for mental health support. The APA has pointed to issues such as privacy, inappropriate advice, lack of crisis support, and the need for users to understand that chatbots are not a replacement for professional care.

Researchers have also found that people may misunderstand the privacy and accountability of general AI tools when using them for mental health disclosures. One 2025 study found that some users believed their chatbot conversations were protected in ways similar to therapy, even when that may not be the case.

This does not mean you can never use AI. But it does mean that deeply personal information deserves care.

When AI is not enough

AI may not be enough if:

• You keep having the same fight and cannot get out of the cycle.
• One or both partners shut down, explode, or feel emotionally unsafe.
• There has been betrayal, secrecy, or a major rupture of trust.
• Past trauma is being activated in the relationship.
• You are afraid to say what you really feel.
• Conflict regularly turns into blame, contempt, threats, or withdrawal.
• You are using AI to avoid talking directly to your partner.
• You want the AI to decide whether you should stay or leave.
• The use of AI is protecting you from being vulnerable.

These are signs that the relationship may need more than a better script, things like direct support, structure, and a safe space where both people can be heard.

Therapy for relationship conflict, communication, and repair

At The Better You Institute, we support individuals and couples who want to better understand their patterns, communicate with more care, and work through the places where conflict keeps repeating.

Our approach is trauma-informed, attachment-based, and grounded in the belief that people make more meaningful changes when they feel safe enough to be honest with themselves and others.

If you and your partner keep getting stuck in the same painful cycle, couples therapy can help you slow down, understand what is happening underneath the conflict, and begin building a different way forward.

Contact The Better You Institute to learn more about couples therapy, trauma-informed therapy, and relationship support in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and Florida.

FAQ

Can ChatGPT give good relationship advice?

It can sometimes help you organize your thoughts, draft calmer language, or reflect on a situation. But it does not know your full relationship, your partner’s perspective, your history, or the emotional context. It should not replace therapy or direct communication.

Is AI couples therapy real therapy?

No. AI may provide prompts or communication suggestions, but couples therapy is a professional clinical relationship with a trained therapist. Therapy includes assessment, ethics, attunement, emotional safety, and real-time support for both partners.

Is it bad to use AI to write a message to my partner?

Not necessarily. It depends on how you use it. AI can help soften language or make your thoughts clearer. But the message should still sound like you, reflect what you actually feel, and support real conversation rather than avoidance.

Can AI make relationship conflicts worse?

It can, especially if it only validates one person’s side, encourages over-analysis, or helps someone build a case against their partner. If you are using AI to prove you are right, it may deepen the conflict rather than help repair it.

When should we consider couples therapy instead of AI advice?

Consider couples therapy if you keep repeating the same fight, feel emotionally unsafe, struggle to repair after conflict, experience shutdown or escalation, are wondering if you should stay in the relationship, or need help understanding deeper patterns around trust, attachment, trauma, or communication.

The post Can AI Help With Relationship Conflict? appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Most people do not wake up and decide to be difficult in relationships.

They do not choose to spiral after a delayed text. They do not choose to shut down during conflict. They do not choose to pull away when things start to feel close.

And yet, these difficult relationship patterns can repeat again and again.

You may know you are overthinking, but still feel unable to stop. You may care deeply, but go numb when someone wants to talk. You may want closeness, but feel trapped when someone gets too close. You may promise yourself you will communicate differently next time, only to find yourself back in the same cycle.

At The Better You Institute, we often look at these patterns through an attachment-informed and trauma-informed lens. Not to blame your past. Not to label you. But to understand what your nervous system learned about safety, connection, and protection.

Relationship Patterns Are Often Protective

When something feels off in a relationship, your body may react before your mind can make sense of what is happening.

A change in tone, a delayed response, a conflict, a partner’s distance, or even healthy intimacy can activate old emotional learning.

That activation can sound like:

• They are going to leave.
• I am too much.
• I need to fix this right now.
• I should not need anything.
• I am safer on my own.
• If I say how I feel, it will make things worse.
• I have to stay calm, useful, or agreeable to keep the connection.

These thoughts may feel current, but often they are connected to older patterns. Your body may be responding to what this moment reminds you of, not only what is actually happening.

What Attachment Activation Feels Like

Attachment activation happens when your sense of emotional safety in a relationship feels threatened.

This does not always mean the relationship is unsafe. It means something in your system has registered uncertainty, distance, conflict, rejection, or vulnerability as a threat.

Attachment activation may feel like:

• A sudden urge to text repeatedly
• Tightness in your chest or stomach
• Panic when someone seems distant
• Anger that feels bigger than the moment
• Emotional numbness during hard conversations
• Wanting to disappear or be left alone
• Feeling ashamed for having needs
• Testing the other person to see if they care
• Pulling away before they can hurt you

When this happens, many people judge themselves. But shame rarely changes the pattern. Understanding does.

If You Spiral: Anxious Attachment Patterns

If you tend to spiral in relationships, you may become highly focused on signs of disconnection.

A short reply may feel like rejection. A partner needing space may feel like abandonment. A disagreement may feel like the beginning of the end.

You might find yourself:

• Overthinking every interaction
• Seeking reassurance but not fully trusting it
• Feeling responsible for fixing the relationship
• Apologizing quickly to restore closeness
• Feeling physically unsettled until the conflict is resolved
• Losing touch with your own needs because the other person’s response feels more urgent

Underneath the spiral is often a very human fear: What if I am not safe, wanted, chosen, or enough?

Therapy can help you slow the spiral, understand where it comes from, and build a stronger internal sense of security.

If You Shut Down: Avoidant or Protective Withdrawal Patterns

Shutting down does not always mean you do not care.

For many people, shutdown is a protective response. When emotions feel too intense, the body may create distance. You may go quiet, feel blank, change the subject, get sleepy, become logical, or need to be alone.

You might notice that you:

• Freeze during emotional conversations
• Feel overwhelmed by someone else’s needs
• Pull away when a relationship becomes more intimate
• Avoid conflict until it builds
• Struggle to name what you feel
• Feel safer solving problems alone
• Experience closeness as pressure, even when you want connection

This pattern often develops when emotional needs were ignored, criticized, dismissed, or made unsafe in earlier relationships.

Therapy can help you reconnect with your emotions at a pace that feels tolerable, while learning that closeness does not have to mean losing yourself.

If You Pull Away and Then Want Closeness Again

Some people experience both patterns.

You may crave connection, then feel overwhelmed when you receive it. You may want reassurance, then distrust it. You may pursue someone, then withdraw when they get close.

This can feel confusing and painful, both for you and for the people who love you.

Often, this pattern is connected to relationships where closeness was inconsistent, unpredictable, or tied to fear. Your nervous system may have learned that connection is both deeply wanted and potentially unsafe.

The work is not to shame yourself into being “more secure.” The work is to understand the push-pull pattern and begin creating a steadier experience of safety inside yourself and with others.

How Trauma Shapes Conflict and Communication

Trauma can quietly shape the way you hear, feel, and respond in relationships.

A neutral comment may feel like criticism. A partner’s silence may feel like punishment. A disagreement may feel like danger. A boundary may feel like rejection.

Trauma can train the nervous system to anticipate pain, disconnection, or loss.

In relationships, this can create cycles like:

• One person pursues, the other withdraws
• One person seeks reassurance, the other feels overwhelmed
• One person shuts down, the other feels abandoned
• Both people protect themselves, but neither feels understood

Trauma-informed therapy helps slow these cycles down. Instead of focusing only on the argument, it helps uncover what is happening underneath it.

What fear got activated?
What old wound got touched?
What need went unnamed?
What protection showed up automatically?
What new response is possible now?

How Attachment-Informed Therapy Helps

Attachment-informed therapy helps you understand how your early and significant relationships shaped your expectations of closeness.

It can help you see why certain moments feel so charged and why some patterns keep repeating even when you want something different.

In therapy, you may work on:

• Recognizing your attachment patterns
• Understanding your emotional triggers
• Building tolerance for closeness, conflict, and vulnerability
• Learning how to express needs without panic or shame
• Practicing boundaries without shutting down
• Reconnecting with your body’s cues
• Developing more secure ways of relating

Essentially, this work is experiential, somatic, and root-focused. That means therapy is not only about talking through what happened. It is about noticing what happens in the moment, how your body responds, what emotions surface, and how new patterns can begin to take shape.

Building Secure Connection Takes Practice

Secure attachment is not about being perfect.

It does not mean you never feel anxious. It does not mean you never need space. It does not mean you always communicate beautifully.

Secure attachment means you can stay more connected to yourself and others, even when things feel hard.

It means you can say:

• I am activated, but I can pause.
• I need reassurance, but I do not have to abandon myself to get it.
• I need space, but I can communicate instead of disappearing.
• Conflict does not automatically mean rejection.
• My needs matter, and so do yours.
• I can learn new patterns.

That kind of change takes time, support, and practice. But it is possible.

You Are Not Broken. You Are Patterned.

If you shut down, spiral, or pull away in relationships, it does not mean you are bad at love.

It may mean your nervous system learned to protect you in ways that once made sense but now get in the way of the connection you want.

Therapy can help you understand those patterns with compassion and clarity. It can help you move from reactivity to choice, from self-protection to connection, and from old survival strategies to more secure relationships.

At The Better You Institute, we help individuals and couples explore the root of their relational patterns through attachment-based, trauma-informed, somatic, and experiential therapy.

If the same relationship patterns keep repeating, you do not have to figure them out alone. Therapy can help you understand what your body learned and begin building connection that feels safer, steadier, and more mutual.

The post Difficult Relationship Patterns That Repeat appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Not all trauma comes from a single dramatic event. Sometimes trauma develops in relationships through inconsistency, emotional misattunement, unpredictability, neglect, or the absence of reliable safety. When early relationships shape the way you experience closeness, trust, and emotional regulation, that impact is often referred to as attachment trauma.

Attachment trauma can be difficult to recognize because many people minimize it. They may say, “Nothing that bad happened,” while still struggling with anxiety, self-doubt, emotional overwhelm, numbness, or painful relationship patterns. But trauma does not have to look extreme from the outside to leave a lasting imprint on the nervous system and the way a person moves through life.

What Is Attachment Trauma?

Attachment trauma often develops when the people you depended on for care were also a source of fear, inconsistency, emotional absence, or confusion. As a child, you adapt in order to maintain connection and survive emotionally. Those adaptations are intelligent and protective.

Later in life, though, those same adaptations can begin to show up as:

• difficulty trusting others
• fear of abandonment
• people-pleasing
• intense sensitivity to rejection
• emotional shutdown
• repeating relationships that feel familiar but painful

How Attachment Trauma Affects Adults

The effects of attachment trauma in adults are often relational, emotional, and physical. Early relational wounds can shape how you respond to vulnerability, closeness, disappointment, and disconnection.

You may notice these patterns in your adult life through:

• chronic anxiety in relationships
• emotional numbness or overwhelm
• difficulty feeling safe with intimacy
• strong reactions to perceived rejection
• trouble setting boundaries
• a tendency to repeat painful relational dynamics

These struggles are not random. They often reflect earlier experiences that taught your nervous system what to expect from connection.

What Attachment Trauma Therapy Helps You Understand

Attachment trauma therapy helps people understand the connection between early relational experiences and present-day struggles. Rather than focusing only on symptoms, this work explores the deeper patterns underneath them.

It asks questions such as:

• What did you learn about closeness?
• What did you have to do to stay connected?
• What happens now in your body, emotions, and relationships when you feel vulnerable, unseen, or at risk of disconnection?

This kind of therapy is not just about insight. Understanding your past can be meaningful, but many attachment wounds live beyond language. They show up in the body, in automatic reactions, and in relational patterns that repeat even when you know better intellectually.

That is why attachment-based trauma therapy often focuses on both awareness and experience.

How Attachment Trauma Therapy Works

In practice, attachment trauma therapy usually involves a safe, attuned therapeutic relationship where patterns can be explored in real time. It may include noticing how you respond to closeness, conflict, care, disappointment, or uncertainty.

It may also involve trauma-informed therapy approaches that support nervous system regulation and help you build a different internal experience of safety, trust, and connection.

Over time, this work can help you develop:

• greater self-understanding
• stronger boundaries
• more emotional flexibility
• a more secure way of relating to yourself and others

Healing does not mean erasing what happened. It means no longer being unconsciously organized by it.

Who Attachment Trauma Therapy Can Help

Attachment trauma therapy for adults can be especially helpful for people who:

• feel stuck in recurring relationship patterns
• struggle with anxiety or disconnection
• seem high-functioning on the outside while feeling deeply unsettled on the inside

It can also support couples who find themselves caught in painful cycles that seem bigger than the present moment.

Final Thought

If early relational wounds are still shaping your present life, attachment-based trauma therapy can help you understand those patterns and begin to heal them.

The post What Is Attachment Trauma Therapy? appeared first on The Better You Institute.

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You know the couple’s fight. The words might change, but the script feels familiar: one of you starts the conversation (pursues), typically with some type of grievance. The other one gets loud (usually defensive) or withdraws (distances), and before long, you’re back in the same emotional standoff.

It’s not that you don’t love each other. It’s that you’ve each developed a survival (long before you even met each other) strategy that once protected you, but now keeps you stuck and disconnected.

Here’s the thing. You can’t connect when you’re protecting. When you are surviving, you are protecting. Your partner shouldn’t be someone you have to protect against, but your brain can’t tell the difference between their actions and the experiences that developed these protective adaptations in the first place.

Why We Repeat the Same Couple’s Fight

Therapists like Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, describe the repeating couple’s fight as a negative cycle: a looping pattern of protest and defense that masks deeper emotional needs.

• The pursuer often says, “You never listen.”
  
  
• The withdrawer hears, “Nag Nag Nag” but feels “You’re failing again.”
  
  
• Both end up feeling unseen.
  
  

Esther Perel calls couple’s fighting the “dance between connection and autonomy.” The more one partner reaches, the more the other retreats, not because they don’t care, but because closeness triggers fears of loss or rejection, and it’s easier to retreat before finding out if I’m truly rejectable.

Harville Hendrix (Imago Therapy) adds that our conflicts are rarely about dishes or deadlines; they’re about unfinished childhood business. Our partners stir up the very wounds we need to heal, and that’s not a mistake. It’s an invitation.

And Terry Real, through Relational Life Therapy, teaches that when couples fight, it’s often adaptive child parts leading the conversation, the hurt child or the controlling child, rather than the functional adult self.

The Real Problem Isn’t the Argument; It’s the Pattern

The most common downfalls of conversation are when, what the Gottmans call the “Four Horsemen”: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, show up. When these show up, couples start fighting to win instead of fighting to understand. And, truly, not even to win but to protect our inner child.

But beneath every fight is a simple question each partner is asking in their own way:

“Do you see me? Am I safe with you?”

Once you recognize this question underneath the argument, the fight changes shape.

How to Break the Cycle

You can’t logic your way out of an emotional pattern. But you can begin to interrupt it.

1. Map Out the Cycle: Start to track what happens when someone brings up a topic, usually a grievance of sorts, and how each of you responds. Use the Four Horsemen to label the responses or add in your own label. Add on to the cycle until you get to resolve or shut down.

An Example of this might look like this:

2. Slow Down the Moment
   When you notice you’re in the loop, name it out loud. “We’re doing the thing again.” This small pause invites awareness instead of reaction.
   
   
3. Shift From Accusation to Vulnerability
   Replace “You never listen” with “I feel disconnected when I can’t get through.” Vulnerability disarms defensiveness.
   
   
4. Identify Your Underlying Need
   Ask yourself: am I seeking reassurance, respect, or space? Communicate that instead of the symptom.
   
   
5. Seek Process-Oriented Help
   A couples therapist in Philadelphia can help you identify your pattern and practice new ways of relating — in real time, with both partners present and engaged.
   

The Takeaway

The next time you catch yourselves in the same couples fight, remember: You’re not broken, and you don’t need to break up! You’re looping. And loops can be broken and rewired.

By slowing down, naming the pattern, and leading with vulnerability, you can transform conflict from a disconnect into a connection.

If you’re ready to understand why you fight and how to reconnect, our couples therapy in Philadelphia helps you learn the emotional language of your relationship. You don’t have to repeat the same cycle forever, you can rewrite it together.

The post Repeating the Same Couple’s Fight? Why You’re Stuck in a Vicious Cycle. appeared first on The Better You Institute.

To reconnect, you need to be emotional with one another, not just logistical. You share a home, responsibilities, and maybe even a bed, but not the spark that once felt effortless.

Instead, your days are filled with logistics: Who’s handling the appointment? Did you remember the meds? Whose turn is it to do bedtime? These are all important factors but they don’t necessarily lead to connection in an intimate relationship.

Somewhere along the way, connection became coordination. It’s time to reconnect.

Why Couples Become Roommates In Long-Term Relationships

The “roommate phase” doesn’t always mean something is broken; it often means something important has shifted.

• Chronic illness or neurodivergence changes rhythms. One partner may take on more caretaking while the other carries guilt or frustration.
  • Sexual Dysfunction often comes when one or more partners are stressed and anxious. This creates a shame cycle that leads to an avoidance of intimacy. Even hugs or holding hands feels risky as it may lead to something more.
    
    
• Postpartum transitions identity rewrite: lovers become parents, partners become co-managers of a tiny human.
  
  
• Life overload — careers, family care, emotional fatigue — eats away at the energy needed for intimacy.
  

In these seasons, survival often replaces connection. But what begins as practical teamwork can, over time, flatten emotional aliveness. If you’re not careful, this season can become the whole year, and eventually the entire relationship, where polarity is lost and comfort settles in. Prioritizing reconnection is key to a long lasting relationship.

The Hidden Cost of Caretaking

Caretaking, whether due to illness, burnout, or parenting, can quietly reshape power and desire. When one partner is always in a doing mode, intimacy starts to feel like another task. The caretaker thinks, I can’t do one more thing. The other partner thinks, I can’t reach you anymore.

This understanding about where each of you is leads to withdrawal and further disconnect. Neither is wrong. You’re simply playing roles that leave little room for spontaneity or shared pleasure.

Therapist Esther Perel reminds us that “responsibility and desire are often in tension.” When your relationship becomes all about function, eroticism and curiosity fade, not because you’ve failed, but because your connection needs new conditions to breathe. Conversely, when you’re relationship is intense (highly sexual, extremely fun, or super argumentative), it can not survive as the tinder that keeps the fire going is all of the daily tasks and interactions that keep a household going.

Why Should You Prioritize Your Relationship and Reconnect?

When lovers become parents, their relationship becomes the emotional climate their children grow up in. The way they connect, repair, and prioritize each other trickles down, shaping how their kids learn safety, love, and communication. When couples invest in their relationship first, they create a secure foundation that allows everyone in the family to thrive. By nurturing their bond, they don’t take away from their children; they give them the gift of stability, warmth, and modeled connection.

What Reconnection Actually Looks Like

Reconnecting doesn’t mean “getting back to how things used to be.” It means discovering how to meet each other again in the lives you have now.

1. Name the Distance Without Blame

Try saying: “I miss us. It feels like we’re great partners in logistics, but I want to feel close again.” Naming the gap opens the door for both of you to step toward each other instead of defending.

2. Build Micro-Moments of Presence

You don’t need a weekend getaway; you need 10-second check-ins:

• A hand on your partner’s back while passing in the kitchen.
• A text that says, “Thinking of you, not the to-do list, just you.”
• Five slow breaths together before sleep.
• Eye contact.

Small moments of intentional presence rebuild emotional safety faster than grand gestures.

3. Redistribute Emotional Labor

If one of you carries most of the mental or physical load, have a structured conversation about what “enough” looks like for both of you. Fairness isn’t sameness; it’s responsiveness. We suggest Fair Play by Eve Rodsky to help with this.

Couples therapy (in Philadelphia or online) can help you map these invisible roles so you can co-create balance without resentment.

4. Revisit Polarity Through Compassion

If one partner is neurodivergent or managing health challenges, intimacy may require creativity. Can touch happen differently? Can you build rituals of closeness that honor both accessibility and desire? There’s no one script; there’s just curiosity and communication. Even if you’ve had a conversation before, have it again. You may have to have one conversation multiple times as your life, your relationship, and your world change.

A Real-Life Example (Composite from Therapy Work)

One couple I worked with, both high-achieving parents, found themselves living parallel lives after their child’s diagnosis. In therapy, they began sharing for 5 minutes a night* by answering, “What’s something you appreciated about me today?” At first, it felt forced. Within weeks, it became the anchor of their evenings. Connection grew not from solving but from seeing.

*Regularly scheduled moments of connection, whether daily or nightly, help regulate both partners’ attachment systems. The avoidant partner learns to stay present without shutting down, and the anxious partner feels secure knowing the connection is predictable.

Your Takeaway

Don’t wait for the connection to “come back.” Create conditions where it can re-emerge. That means slowing down, naming what’s real, and redistributing care in ways that nurture both of you.

When couples in our Philadelphia marriage counseling sessions begin to practice these micro-moments of care, they rediscover that love isn’t lost. Still, it does need to be tended to again.

If you and your partner feel more like roommates than lovers, we can help you reconnect through attachment-based couples therapy that honors your reality, neurodivergence, caregiving, parenthood, and all. Rediscover warmth, intimacy, and “us.”

If this article was helpful but you’re looking for more specific guidance. Reach out! Our Couples Therapists in Philadelphia and Pennsylvania would love to help.

The post How To Reconnect When You Feel Like Roommates appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Are you struggling with sexual dysfunction? You’re not alone. Many people experience issues like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, pain during sexual activity, lack of lubrication, or difficulty reaching orgasm. These challenges can be deeply distressing, impacting your self-esteem, intimate relationships, and overall quality of life. 

If you’ve researched solutions, you may have come across techniques like the stop-start method or mindfulness-based practices. While these approaches can be helpful, they often fall short when used in isolation. That’s where seeking services from a certified sex therapist comes in. As an AASECT-certified sex therapist, I’ve developed an innovative, evidence-based approach that combines the best of both the stop/start and mindfulness techniques. Don’t let sexual dysfunction hold you back any longer – read this article and put into practice these techniques.*

*We recommend consulting a medical doctor before doing any of these exercises. This article is not meant to replace working with a professional.

Integrated Exercise: Regulating Sexual Arousal and Cultivating Mindfulness To Overcome Sexual Dysfunction

My integrative method blends the stop-start technique with targeted mindfulness exercises, offering a comprehensive solution to sexual issues. This powerful combination helps regulate arousal, enhance body awareness, and foster mindfulness during intimate moments. Many clients report increased sexual confidence and a deeper connection with their bodies as they progress through treatment. Whether you’re dealing with performance anxiety or other sexual concerns, this research-backed approach can help you reclaim a satisfying sex life. 

Scaling Arousal Levels and Body Awareness Masturbation

Research suggests that individuals can benefit from scaling arousal levels and increasing body awareness during sexual activity. To begin, allocate time for solo sexual activity in a comfortable and relaxed environment. You will begin with phase 1, which is the assessment phase. Once you feel you have a number that is consistent with your regular sexual activity, move on to phases 2-5. You may have to repeat the phases. The goal of each phase is to feel confident in your abilities and gain insight into your body, NOT to orgasm. 

Instructions

Phase 1: Assessment Phase This phase is purely for assessing and evaluating where you are at baseline. There are no wrong answers. You may have to do the assessment phase a few times, as the first couple of times may feel awkward or be a fluke. If you do the exercise 4-5x and take the average number, you should be good to go to the subsequent phases. 

1. Start by scaling arousal levels on a scale from 0 (baseline, non-aroused) to 100 (orgasming).*

Physical signs of arousal: Notice when you feel blood flow to the genital area, when your penis feels as hard as it’s going to get, or your vaginal canal is more relaxed, the tissue is softer, and you maybe feel a throbbing.

1a. At what point on the scale would you say you get hard enough to insert inside of something?  (maybe a 40 on the scale)

1b. When would you say you’re lubricated enough to have something go inside of you? (maybe a 20 on your scale)

1c. Where on the scale is best for staying there and having a plateaued sexual experience for a bit? (maybe a 60 on your scale)

1d. Are you at your point of no return (it doesn’t matter if grandma walks in on you, you’re going to have an orgasm)? (maybe an on your scale)

*Mark out on the scale in increments of 10-15 where you are in your arousal. 

2. While focusing on the scale, practice mindfulness exercises to enhance body awareness. 

Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and focus on sensations in your body, starting from your toes and moving upward. Notice any tension or sensations without judgment.

2a. Where do you notice the most pleasure? 

2b. How are you touching yourself to achieve that pleasure? Slow/Fast, hard/soft, circular, patting/tapping… 

3. As you engage in touching yourself, continue to scale arousal levels and maintain body awareness. Pay attention to how sensations change in response to stimulation and if your level of arousal (what number on the scale are you?) changes.

3b. If you notice you go out of your body and into your head (what’s for lunch today, am I doing this right, this is so stupid, a fantasy creeps in, etc.), note when this occurs by noting the number on the scale of arousal. This is the number you will work with. 

It is helpful to repeat this assessment phase 4-5x to take an average number for the future phases. 

In these next phases – be as in your body as possible. If you find yourself going into your head (as described above), stop the exercise and start over. Each phase should be done 4-5x before moving on to the next phase. To know you are done with one phase, you should be able to complete the task confidently and with no issues. 

Phase 2: 

1. Take the number you got from 3b of phase 1 and keep that number in mind. 
2. Start exploring and touching yourself, just as you were the first time you did this scale. 
3. Get yourself to the number you identified you went into your head and out of your body from 3b in phase 1.
4. Then go down from that number ~20 points on the scale. 
5. Come back up to your original number. 
6. Repeat the up/down for 4-5x. 
7. Be mindful of how you are touching yourself to go up and down. Does your speed change? Do you squeeze or tap harder/softer? Is your motion different?
8. Stop. Do NOT orgasm.

If you start to go into your head and out of your body, stop touching yourself, get back to 0 on the scale of arousal, and then start the exercise over. 

Phase 3: 

1. Take the number you got from 3b in phase 1 and keep that number in mind. 
2. Start exploring and touching yourself, just as you were the first time you did this scale. 
3. Get yourself to the number you identified you went into your head and out of your body from 3b 
4. Then go up from that number 20 points on the scale. 
5. Come back to your original number. 
6. Repeat the up/down for 4-5x. 
7. Be mindful of how you are touching yourself to go up and down. Does your speed change? Do you squeeze or tap harder/softer? Is your motion different?
8. Stop. Do NOT orgasm.

If you start to go into your head and out of your body, stop touching yourself, get back to 0 on the scale of arousal, and then start the exercise over. 

Phase 4: 

1. Get up to the same number you’ve been working with throughout these exercises. 
2. Now, jump up to 70 on the scale, go back down to your original number. 
3. Repeat the up/down 4-5x. 
4. Be mindful of how you are touching yourself to go up and down. Does your speed change? Do you squeeze or tap harder/softer? Is your motion different?
5. Stop. Do NOT orgasm. 

If you start to go into your head and out of your body, stop touching yourself, get back to 0 on the scale of arousal, and then start the exercise over.  

Phase 5: 

1. Get to the same number you’ve been working with. 
2. Jump up to 70* on the scale. Stay there for as long as you’d like.
   1. Or whatever number is the ideal level of arousal for sexual intercourse to be enjoyable for everyone involved. 
3. Once you feel sexually satisfied and ready for the exercise to end, you may either stop here or increase your number to 100 and orgasm.
4. You will allow yourself to orgasm when you want to and in your control! 
5. You should now have awareness for what type of touch brings you down in arousal and brings you up in arousal. Use this information for partnered sex.

Congratulations, you have just achieved orgasm when you wanted to, in total control of your body, and in your body, not your head!

The integrated exercise combining the Stop/Start Method with mindfulness offers a holistic approach to overcoming sexual dysfunction. By regulating arousal levels, increasing body awareness, and fostering communication with a partner, individuals can cultivate fulfilling sexual experiences. Research supports the effectiveness of scaling arousal levels and mindfulness practices in improving sexual function and satisfaction. With dedication and practice, individuals can reclaim their sexual well-being and enjoy a fulfilling sex life.

References:

1. Jern, P., & Santtila, P. (2010). Toward the integration of the stop‐start and squeeze techniques: A survey on the use of stimulus and timing in the treatment of premature ejaculation. Journal of Sex Research, 47(6), 530-537.

2. Brotto, L. A., Basson, R., & Luria, M. (2008). A mindfulness-based group psychoeducational intervention targeting sexual arousal disorder in women. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 5(7), 1646-1659.

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Many people think couples therapy is for when the relationship is failing, or big things erupt. Yes, couples therapy helps with those situations, but it can also help couples avoid problems from arising in the future by building a stronger foundation and understanding of each other. In couples therapy, a couple can improve their communication and intimacy, shift how they relate to each other, and help them improve the overall quality of their relationship.  

What is the purpose of couples therapy?

In couples therapy, as opposed to individual therapy, the client is the relationship, not the individuals in the relationship. This allows the focus to be on the relationship as a whole and not the individual needs of the relationship’s members.  Couples therapy serves several purposes, including improving a couple’s communication, emotional and physical intimacy, trust, understanding, and problem-solving skills. It can also help couples navigate differences in sex, sexuality, values, expectations for the future, and life transitions. Lastly, couples therapy can also be for repairing relational mishaps, such as infidelity, neglect, substance use, financial issues, or the loss of a child. For many couples, it can be helpful to have an objective guide who can teach them new skills, model new ways to communicate, point out patterns, and propose new ways to look at things.  The therapist will also guide the couple in creating new experiences in the session when communicating, looking to solve a problem, or connecting deeper that they haven’t experienced at home. Ultimately, the purpose of couples therapy will vary per couple. However, there are some common expectations you can come into therapy having: learning about yourself and your partner(s) and how that impacts the relationship, emphasizing empathy, compassion, and understanding, and gaining a deeper connection to one another (even if you decide to break up), and learn how to disagree (not preventing it).  

What happens in a couples therapy session?

Couples therapy can look different depending on the model or theory the therapist is working from, but there are some general similarities in all approaches. Couples therapy will begin with the therapist taking a history of the couple, including their time together and their lives before meeting. While collecting this information, the therapist will also be working on developing the therapeutic relationship and needed rapport with the couple so that the couple feels comfortable, safe, and accepted to share openly and be vulnerable. During this history taking, the therapist might ask about familial relationships, past romantic relationships, major life events, sexual history, and plans for the future. Next, the couple’s therapist will work with the couple to identify treatment goals. Frequently, couples will come in and be able to identify what the problem is but not what their goals are. For example, a couple may come in because they are having the same arguments repeatedly and they are tired of fighting. However, they cannot recognize that the associated goals would include learning effective communication skills and communication blockers, empathetic listening skills, engaging in perception shifts, and understanding the underlying patterns and beliefs missed when this cyclical fighting occurs.  Most forms of couples therapy will focus on communication and listening skills, though how they go about that will differ. Conflict resolution cannot occur until new ways of engaging, sharing, and listening are developed. Often, in conflicts, we are so focused on what it is we want to say we miss things being said to us; also, it is common for there to be a disconnect between what one partner is saying and what the other is hearing. In addition to the therapist aiding the couple in developing new communication and active listening skills, the therapist will also help the couple recognize when this communication disconnect is occurring, increase their awareness of the underlying thoughts and beliefs that contribute to this disconnect, and provide reframes to aid the couple in better understanding what is being said or not said.  Once couples have gained new communication and listening skills, the sessions will transition to focus on the individual needs of the couple. This could include problem-solving and conflict resolution, exploring relational dynamics, negotiating changes within the relationship, increasing trust, healing and repair, improving sexual and romantic intimacy, and sharing in a more intimate and vulnerable manner. Some therapists may request homework assignments to be done between sessions as a means to transition the therapeutic work outside of the therapy office.  Lastly, the couple will move into the maintenance phase of treatment. Or, they may identify new goals they want to work on and start the process over again. The maintenance phase means that the couple has reached their goals. In the maintenance phase, the therapist will explore with the couple the changes they’ve made and what might come up that could set them back or hinder their progress. The therapist will empower the couple to continue growing and learning beyond the therapeutic space. The couple will identify the new tools and skills they learned in therapy to get into the maintenance phase so that they can intentionally continue to use them. 

Who is couples therapy for?

Contrary to what many think, couples therapy is for all couples, not just those experiencing difficulties. For some couples, participating in couples therapy can help them proactively strengthen the relationship and prevent minor issues from escalating into larger problems. Couples can engage in therapy at any relationship stage or during any transitional period. Some couples therapists are versed in different relationship needs, including those of the LGBTQIA* community, multicultural couples, those with blended families, or those needing support with specific concerns, whether it be co-parenting/parenting differences, sexual concerns, infidelity, kink/fetishes, or Ace-Allo/Ace-Aro identity differences. Couples therapy is also for those who don’t consider themself a couple. Maybe you’re in a throuple or the primary or metamour partner along with the secondary partner(s). However you define your relationship and your role in it, couples therapy can still be useful for you.

Things to Know About Couples Therapy

Couples therapists can have different qualifications. Some are Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFTs), some are Licensed Professional Counselors (LPCs), and some are Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW). These licenses are based on what type of educational program the clinician attended and what their general background training is. You may also be able to work with an intern or pre-licensed clinician for couples therapy. These clinicians receive supervision from a more experienced, licensed therapist and can help guide your work. Many therapists, regardless of their licensure, obtain additional training in couples therapy, focusing on specific clinical techniques, communication skills, conflict resolution skills, and relational or system dynamics. Common additional training is under models such as Emotionally Focused Therapy, IMAGO, or the Gottman Method.  Couples therapy focuses on the relationship over the individual. While aspects of the individual will be explored, it will be looked at within the context of the relationship. The overall goals of couples therapy will be focused on improving the quality, health, and satisfaction of the relationship and not on individual personal growth (though that can happen as well). Sometimes, improving the quality, health, and satisfaction of the relationship means that the relationship dissolves and the couple breaks up. While having couples break up is not the therapist’s goal, it is their job to point out when it may be advantageous for a couple to explore separation.  Many couples therapists will ask to meet with the couple individually and jointly, though the frequency of the individual sessions will vary based on clinical determination of need. Many couples therapists have a “rule” of not keeping secrets that come up during individual sessions. Not keeping secrets means that information shared in the individual sessions that is important to the therapy work done in the conjoint sessions will not be withheld from the other partner(s). The therapist will work with the individual to get them in a place they feel comfortable sharing in the joint sessions. Exceptions to sharing this information are that sharing will be harmful or dangerous in some way. An example of harmful or dangerous disclosures is when an extramarital affair is disclosed in an individual session. The therapist will support and aid the one having an affair in disclosing this to their partner in a conjoint session. However, an example of this disclosure possibly being harmful is if the infidelity happened twenty years ago during a partner’s fight with cancer. The infidelity seems to have no impact on the current issues the couple is having and would only further pain, shame, and guilt the cancer survivor partner.  Couples therapy is often scheduled on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, depending on the therapist’s professional opinion on the case. It can be short-term with a specific focus on resolving an identified issue or long-term with a focus on deeper-level relational work. Unless the couple came in to explore separation, it is often considered beneficial for the couple to commit to putting discussion of separation on hold at the beginning of couple work, with an understanding that the focus of therapy can transition to that focus later.  Couples therapy can be very beneficial, though no outcome can be guaranteed as it depends upon the severity of the issue and how both partners engage in the therapy process. Open and honest participation is necessary, as well as a commitment to the treatment goals and a willingness to change one’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to change things within the relationship. 

The Benefits of Couples Therapy

Couples therapy can have multiple benefits. This includes improving communication and listening, increasing honest and open communication, increasing feelings of intimacy and trust, and providing couples with skills to manage conflict or problems when they arise. Couples can experience improvement in boundary making and respecting decision-making, negotiating differing needs and wants, conflict prevention, and alignment of parenting styles. By enhancing how they express empathy, compassion, validation, and perspective-taking, couples will have an easier time navigating cultural differences, rebuilding trust, increasing emotional connection, and building emotional and sexual intimacy. By creating healthier relational patterns, the individuals experience increased self-awareness and positive personal growth. 

Types of Couples Therapy

Couples therapy works by changing how one participates within the relationship. In couples therapy, change can develop from looking at a few different things.  One thing that can be helpful is examining how one thinks, feels, and behaves in general, as well as how one relates to others overall. Change can develop from reflecting on and changing how one communicates and responds to conflict, as well as the narrative each person holds about themselves, their partner(s), and the relationship. A couples therapist can also aid the couple in examining what each individual brings from past experiences into their current relationships.   Some examples of couples therapy models and methods include the following (though this is not an exhaustive list):

• The Gottman Method: a form of couples therapy created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, focusing on communication skills and conflict resolution. 
• IMAGO Relationship Therapy: a form of therapy that focuses on unconscious idealized love, relationship patterns, communication, and resolving past “wounds.”
• Emotionally-Focused Therapy: a structured approach that focuses on emotions and attachment to allow for corrective emotional experiences and deeper emotional connections. 
• Narrative Therapy: couples will examine how their inner narrative/stories affect their perceptions and direct the way they interact with their partner(s), allowing them the opportunity to rewrite the narrative more positively. 
• Attachment-Focused Therapy: this looks at attachment styles, reframing behaviors within the context of attempting to get one’s needs met, and supporting the couple as they move from insecure to secure attachment styles
• Cognitive-behavioral couples Therapy: a therapy that looks at the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, believing that by changing one, the other two will also change. 
• Sex Therapy: couples therapy that focuses on sex and sexuality concerns within the relationship, utilizing a view that sexual concerns are an issue of the couple as a whole and not the individual 
• Solution-Focused: this is usually a short-term therapy approach that takes a structured and direct approach to finding solutions to current problems without expanding focus into an individual’s past or other areas of the relationship.
• Family Systems Therapy: looks at the family and systems each person comes from and the influences past family dynamics have on how the individual engages in relationships.
• Relational Life Therapy: an approach developed by Terry Real, that examines relationship patterns and concerns as they relate to early attachment and cultural influences, as well as the impact past relationships have on current ones. 
• Integrative Couples Therapy: an approach to therapy that incorporates multiple approaches of couples therapy to personalize treatment to the specific needs of each couple.
• Esther Perel’s approach: her approach focuses on the interconnection, interplay, and, at times, conflicting needs between intimacy and desire; couples will explore topics related to communication, connection, trust, and compatibility. 

No one method of couples therapy has been shown in the research to be “better” than any other. However, some of the models listed above have more research behind them. The Gottman’s, for example, have made it their life’s work and have put out world-renowned research. Sue Johnson (Emotionally-Focused Therapy) and Terry Real are leaders in couples therapy.  Each method works to increase awareness and insight and create changes in how one relates interpersonally. 

Why might a couples therapist recommend individual therapy first?

There are many reasons a couples therapist may recommend each member attend individual therapy first, and that is not a reflection of the state of the relationship or the ability for the relationship to be worked on. There may be some individual things that the therapist believes would benefit the individual to work on independently, which can also result in an improvement in the relationship. Examples of this would include when one member of the couple is experiencing depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, or difficulty regulating emotions. It would also be recommended for when one of the individuals wants to work on areas of personal growth and goals outside of the relationship. A therapist may also suggest this when one member of the relationship is experiencing unresolved grief or trauma, as individual therapy would allow more time and space to be focused on healing these wounds.  If there is a safety-related concern, the therapist may recommend individual therapy first. If the therapist has concerns regarding the emotional or physical safety of any relationship member, the couple will be referred separately for individual therapy before beginning couples therapy. Couples therapy cannot be effective when the therapy or home space is unsafe. Couples therapy is also not effective if there is current infidelity happening. Related to safety, this does not create emotional safety for the non-cheating partner. Ongoing infidelity also takes up some of the energy and motivation of the cheating partner that is needed to work on the primary relationship. 

Why do I feel so scared or intimidated when I think about being in couples therapy?

Therapy can feel intimidating, whether individual, family, group, or couples therapy. It is reasonable for people to be scared to confront their past, face difficult issues, or accept the need to make change. In fact, by agreeing to therapy, one is automatically agreeing to reflect, confront, and make a decision to change or not. It can be scary to open oneself up to a stranger, especially when the outcome of it is unknown. The whole process can feel very vulnerable, which for many is naturally a fearful thing.  For many people, they experience a fear of being judged, a fear of change, a fear of both failure and success and a fear of having to confront the things that make them unhappy. Many people have internalized shame and stigma about being in therapy and what being in couples therapy means for the relationship. People also have a fear of the vulnerability that arises in therapy, as well as a fear of being rejected if they allow themselves to be vulnerable, authentic, and open. These fears are all valid and reasonable. It is important to remember that these same fears can underlie some of the relational issues that result in seeking couples therapy. By engaging in couples therapy, even when intimidated and fearful of it, the couple is opening themselves up to change.  In couples therapy, all of these experiences feel magnified because you are not just in the presence of a therapist but also being witnessed in them by your partner(s). At first, this idea of sharing such vulnerabilities and being so honest and real in the sessions may seem scary. However, the idea of couples therapy is to get vulnerable with your partner(s) in hopes of joining you together and creating a deeper connection. 

Concluding Thoughts

Couples therapy does not need to be viewed as something to avoid, nor does it imply that the relationship is failing. While couples therapy can help when larger problems have already arisen within the relationship, it can also help prevent some of the larger problems from developing. Couples therapy can provide the tools couples need to weather problems if/when they arise in the future.  

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Understanding the Link Between Trauma and Attachment

Trauma and attachment are deeply connected, affecting our emotions and relationships. This article explores how childhood trauma impacts attachment and offers ways to heal.

The Relationship Between Trauma and Attachment

Trauma and attachment are closely linked. Traumatic experiences in childhood can disrupt secure attachments, causing problems in adulthood. Understanding this connection is key to healing. Trauma can range from big events to small daily occurrences that might not seem traumatic until later.

How Childhood Trauma Affects Attachment

Childhood trauma, such as abuse, neglect, or other adverse experiences, can harm attachment development. Early experiences shape attachment styles, affecting how we form and maintain relationships.

Types of Trauma Leading to Insecure Attachment

1. Emotional Neglect: When parents ignore or fail to meet their child’s emotional needs, the child may develop insecure attachment.
2. Inconsistent Boundaries: Poor boundary-setting can make a child feel unsupported, affecting their attachment style.
3. Overactive Parenting: Excessive parenting can prevent children from facing challenges, leading to dependency or rejection issues in adulthood.
4. Underactive Parenting: Lack of parental interest in a child’s life can lead to insecure attachment.
5. Empty Promises: Unmet promises by caregivers create distrust and insecure attachments.
6. Abuse (Sexual, Emotional, Physical): Any form of abuse affects a child’s attachment and continues to impact them into adulthood without proper treatment.

Trauma and Attachment Theory

Trauma theory explores how people respond to traumatic experiences. Attachment theory examines the emotional bonds formed between caregivers and children. Together, these theories help us understand how trauma impacts attachment.

Core Tenets of Trauma and Attachment Theory

Trauma Theory:

• Trauma is an emotional response to a distressing event.
• Traumatic experiences can be single incidents or ongoing situations, disrupting a sense of safety.
• Trauma has lasting effects on mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Attachment Theory:

• Attachment theory explores the bonds between caregivers and children, shaping relational patterns.
• Secure attachment develops from consistent responsiveness to a child’s needs.
• Anxious attachment arises from inconsistent caregiver availability.
• Avoidant attachment results from unresponsive caregivers.
• Disorganized attachment stems from severe neglect or abuse.

How Trauma Shapes Attachment Patterns

Trauma can disrupt secure attachment, leading to anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles. These patterns influence self-perception and relationships.

Effects of Trauma on Attachment

1. Disruption of Trust and Safety: Trauma can erode trust and safety in relationships, leading to insecure attachment characterized by fear and mistrust.
2. Hyperarousal and Hypervigilance: Trauma often leads to heightened arousal, making it hard to feel safe in relationships.
3. Attachment Ambivalence: Trauma can create conflicting emotions, leading to disorganized attachment patterns.
4. Impact on Emotional Regulation: Trauma disrupts emotional regulation, contributing to anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles.
5. Repetition of Traumatic Dynamics: Without intervention, individuals may repeat traumatic dynamics in relationships.
6. Difficulty Seeking Support: Trauma survivors may avoid seeking support due to shame, fear of vulnerability, or mistrust.

Addressing Attachment Challenges in Trauma Therapy

Addressing attachment challenges is key in trauma therapy. Therapeutic interventions focus on building secure attachment bonds, promoting emotional regulation, and fostering healthy relationships.

Attachment-Based Approaches to Trauma Healing

Attachment-based approaches create a safe and supportive environment. Interventions focus on repairing attachment wounds, building trust, and fostering resilience.

Tailoring Interventions for Different Attachment Styles

• Secure Attachment: Reinforce safety, foster collaboration, and provide consistent support.
• Anxious Attachment: Offer reassurance, encourage emotional expression, and establish predictability.
• Avoidant Attachment: Respect boundaries, provide space for reflection, and build trust gradually.
• Disorganized Attachment: Offer stability and structure, address ambivalence, and foster integration and healing.

Building Secure Attachment Bonds for Healing

Therapy helps trauma survivors develop secure attachment bonds, essential for long-term recovery.

Reconnecting with Self and Others

Trauma therapy teaches strategies for reconnecting with oneself and others, including mindfulness, emotion regulation, and communication skills.

Healing Attachment Wounds

Healing attachment wounds involves acknowledging and processing the pain from traumatic experiences. Therapy helps individuals recognize and validate their emotions, fostering self-compassion and acceptance.

Role of Therapeutic Alliance in Healing

The therapeutic alliance is crucial for healing. A trusting, supportive therapeutic relationship provides a safe space for exploration and processing experiences.

Enhancing Trust and Connection

Therapists work with trauma survivors to build trust and connection through empathy, validation, and nonjudgmental support.

Integrating Mind, Body, and Spirit in Trauma Recovery

Trauma recovery involves addressing the impact of trauma on mind, body, and spirit through holistic approaches like mindfulness, somatic therapy, and expressive arts.

Promoting Holistic Healing

Holistic healing approaches recognize the interconnectedness of mind, body, and spirit, helping trauma survivors achieve balance, well-being, and integration.

Navigating Trauma and Attachment for Healing

Trauma recovery is a journey of empowerment and self-discovery. Therapy helps trauma survivors reclaim their voice, rewrite their narratives, and create a brighter future.

Promoting Attachment Security

Fostering secure attachment bonds and promoting emotional resilience help trauma survivors achieve well-being and fulfillment.

Therapy Models for Healing Attachment Wounds

1. Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy: Helps individuals work with different parts of themselves to heal attachment wounds.
2. Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT): Helps individuals recognize and regulate emotions in relationships.
3. Somatic Experiencing (SE): Uses body-based interventions to release tension and trauma.
4. Narrative Therapy: Explores personal narratives to foster resilience and empowerment.

Exercises for Healing Trauma Based on Attachment Style

Secure Attachment:

• Journaling Prompt: Reflect on secure moments to cultivate security.
• Visualization Exercise: Create a safe inner space for emotional refuge.
• Attachment Affirmations: Use affirmations to reinforce security and confidence.

Anxious Attachment:

• Mindfulness of Breath: Practice grounding techniques.
• Attachment Exploration Worksheet: Explore attachment triggers and patterns.
• Emotion Regulation Techniques: Practice managing anxiety and regulating emotions.

Avoidant Attachment:

• Attachment Timeline Exercise: Reflect on significant attachment experiences.
• Emotion Regulation Journal: Track and explore emotional experiences.
• Safe Vulnerability Practice: Gradually practice sharing thoughts and feelings.

These exercises help individuals process trauma in ways that honor their unique emotional needs and coping strategies.

In conclusion, healing from trauma and attachment wounds is a complex journey. By understanding the connection between trauma and attachment, individuals can embark on a path of healing and growth, reclaiming their lives with the support of therapy and secure attachment bonds.

If you need more support understanding your attachment style or healing from relational traumas, please reach out to our trained therapists at The Better You Institute. Call us at 267-495-4951.

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Stress-Free Holidays: Mastering the Act of Setting Boundaries

As the holidays approach, for some, it is a season of joy, love, and celebration, often synonymous with family gatherings and reunions. For others, gathering with family means facing discomfort and tension while trying to keep the holiday spirit. As we eagerly anticipate heading home for the holidays, we must recognize the importance of maintaining healthy boundaries to ensure a peaceful or tolerable experience. Navigating the delicate balance between closeness and autonomy with family members can be challenging, but establishing, maintaining, and respecting boundaries is crucial for personal well-being and the overall success of the holidays.

Navigating and Understanding Boundaries

I will briefly cover the concept of boundaries in this section. For a more in-depth description, feel free to look at my previous article that discusses how to understand and decide your boundaries. Physical and emotional boundaries serve as essential guidelines for healthy relationships. These guidelines define the limits of what is acceptable and comfortable for individuals, fostering a sense of self while promoting respect for others.     Understanding these boundaries becomes paramount when it comes to family dynamics during the holidays. This involves recognizing and communicating your needs and limits effectively to family members. Additionally, it is essential to remember to uphold those boundaries if and when they ultimately get crossed and do your best to remain consistent with them. 

Setting Clear Expectations

Before heading home for the holidays, setting clear expectations with yourself and your family is beneficial. Being transparent can involve having open and honest conversations about individual needs, preferences, and limitations. Communicating expectations helps prevent misunderstandings and allows everyone to be on the same page. For example, discussing sleeping arrangements, daily schedules, and personal space expectations can contribute to a smoother holiday experience. Covering the logistics of your stay will help you get quality time with your family and honor your need for personal space (discussed below).  Setting boundaries around more theoretical things like discussion topics or family dynamics may also benefit you. If you know specific topics set you and your sister off, let’s agree not to discuss said topic. Likewise, suppose you have a family member with beliefs and values different from yours. In that case, you may want to set a boundary with yourself so that you do not involve yourself in conversations with that family member, especially around topics that you differ in beliefs and values.  Certain family dynamics tend to replay as patterns. If you know some of your unwanted family dynamics and when they get triggered, setting a boundary around the trigger will benefit you. For example, if your family tends to get into arguments late at night or while drinking, you may want to set boundaries around how late you stay up and how much you drink. Dynamics are explored in further detail below. 

Balancing Quality Time and Personal Space

While spending quality time with family is a central aspect of the holidays, it can be difficult to be under the same roof with many personalities again. Your nervous system isn’t used to this type of stimulation anymore because when you’re in your apartment or house, you don’t typically have this many people or specific people surrounding you. Therefore, striking a balance with personal space is equally important.  It’s natural for individuals to need moments of solitude or time away to recharge, especially during the hustle and bustle of gatherings. Establishing designated personal time and space (especially if you’re staying in your old room with your cousin, for example) and time to spend together can help avoid feelings of overwhelm and ensure a more enjoyable experience for everyone.  Example: “I value our time together but also need some personal time to recharge. I’ll take an hour each evening, and I appreciate your understanding.”

Effective Communication is Key to Healthy Relationships

Effective communication is vital when maintaining boundaries with family during the holidays. If specific topics or behaviors make individuals uncomfortable, addressing them carefully can reduce the chances of escalation. Examples include being mindful of who is part of the conversation and how in-depth those conversations must go. Open communication also allows family members to express their boundaries, creating an atmosphere of mutual respect and autonomy. Example: “I value our relationship, and I think we should be able to discuss our opinions openly. However, I need our conversations to remain respectful. If it gets too intense, I may need to set a boundary to protect our relationship.”

Handling Differences With An Open-Mind

Family gatherings often bring together individuals with different perspectives, values, and lifestyles. It’s crucial to approach these differences with grace and understanding. Acknowledging and respecting varying viewpoints, even if they differ from one’s own, contributes to a harmonious holiday atmosphere. Embracing diversity within the family enriches the overall experience, allows freedom of opinion, and promotes a sense of unity despite differences. Example: “I’m open to hearing different opinions, but I’d prefer to share our thoughts without trying to change each other’s minds. Let’s aim for a more accepting conversation where we can express ourselves without convincing one another.”

Prioritizing Self-Care

Amid the festivities, it’s easy to neglect self-care or think you’re participating in self-care when it’s not filling your cup or de-stimulating you (e.g., drinking a glass of wine to calm your nerves). However, maintaining physical and emotional well-being is essential for navigating family dynamics during the holidays. It’s important to note that maintaining a consistent schedule when traveling for the holidays is a great way to ease the transition. Consistency on trips allows you to follow through with the self-care you already do for yourself when you’re not home for the holidays. Therapy sessions are a great example of an opportunity to set boundaries while maintaining your self-care. Since many sessions are virtual over the holidays, it can be challenging to establish privacy. Scheduling the session right before you head home or informing your family of an appointment that requires privacy can help ensure you care for yourself while out of your element. Additionally, setting aside time for activities that bring joy and relaxation, whether reading, taking a walk, or practicing mindfulness, can help individuals recharge and better handle any challenges that may arise. Example: “I appreciate our conversations, but sometimes I need some quiet time. Can we establish certain hours where I can focus on work or have some quiet moments without interruptions?”

Embracing Harmony and Accepting Family Dynamics

Every family has unique dynamics, and the holidays can amplify positive and challenging aspects. Recognizing and accepting these dynamics is crucial for maintaining boundaries. Boundaries ensure that you don’t need to approve of these dynamics but rather help you tolerate and accept them while you are exposed.  For example, if you have a sibling who can be argumentative at the drop of a hat, anticipating that dynamic ahead of time can allow you the capacity at the moment to uphold a boundary rather than hoping for an unrealistic exchange where they agree to every point you make. Accepting these dynamics can make it less surprising in the moment. Setting realistic expectations and understanding that not every interaction will be perfect allows individuals to navigate family dynamics with resilience and a positive mindset.

The Importance of Respecting Diversity and Individual Choices

As families get older, people grow up, and Individuals evolve. Along with that are their values, beliefs, and lifestyles that may also change over time. For example, it may be uncomfortable to acknowledge that your cousin, who once took your side in every debate, now has a different opinion. Respecting each family member’s choices, whether related to career, relationships, or personal beliefs, is fundamental for maintaining healthy boundaries and ensuring a more peaceful holiday. It’s essential to approach discussions about life choices with empathy and an open mind, recognizing that everyone has the right to pursue their path. Example: “I appreciate our conversations, but when it comes to [specific topic], let’s aim for a more understanding dialogue. If things get too heated, I might need to step back for a moment to maintain a positive atmosphere.”

Conclusion

Maintaining boundaries with family during the holidays is a delicate dance that requires self-awareness, effective communication, and a commitment to fostering positive relationships. By setting clear expectations, balancing time with personal space, embracing differences, prioritizing self-care, and respecting individual choices, individuals can gracefully navigate the holiday season and create lasting memories with their loved ones. Ultimately, finding the right balance between closeness and autonomy allows for a more fulfilling and harmonious holiday experience.

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Are you thinking of not having children? Maybe you’ve already chosen to be child-free. You are not alone. Research shows about 44% of non-parents ages 18-49 say it is not likely they will have children. Indeed, staying child-free by choice is becoming more common.

If you are childless by choice, I’m sure you hear, “When are you going to have kids?” “Don’t you think it’s selfish not to!” “You feel that way now, but you’ll change your mind.” “Who doesn’t love kids? They’re so cute.” These are just a few of the responses a woman might get when they say they don’t want to have children. 

Even though the feminist movement and the perception of women have changed drastically over the last couple of years, it is still rather controversial for a woman to be childless by choice. Whatever the reason, anyone has a right not to want children, but many people disagree with this choice. The expectation of motherhood is potentially misogynistic despite the notion that those who choose to raise children are making a beautiful, empowering decision when it is theirs and theirs alone. The reasons a woman might not want to have children are manifold and all quite valid. So, what does motherhood mean to the modern woman? Well, for some, it may mean staying child-free by choice, and that’s perfectly fine.

History of Mothering

In the past, such as during the “Baby Boom” era from the 40’s through the 60’s, American women didn’t have much of a choice regarding how their familial futures would play out. It was the expectation that women would bear children and hold their identity as a mother close to their hearts. Women had to dedicate their lives to motherhood, staying at home to care for their children and to keep up the home. Moreover, the first oral birth control was not around until the 1960s, which gave women a lot more autonomy and choice. Successive to modern-day birth control, American society did loosen up regarding the rigid standards around bearing children. However, despite 50% of single women and 40% of married women participating in the workforce by 1970, there was still the expectation to marry and have children. 

Today, women have significantly more autonomy than in the past. In 2022, about 74.09 million women were employed in the United States, a significant increase from just 30 years prior when it was 54.91 million women. Still, the percentage of women in the US over 40 without children is a mere 1%. 

Attitudes of the younger generations toward parenting are marking a significant paradigm shift, as many women who fall under the label of “Millennial” (born between 1982 and 1996) or “Gen Z” (born between 1997 and 2012) are ambiguous or even very much against raising their child. These women who are childless by choice are often criticized by others, being seen as “selfish” or “weird,” but the truth is that women have no obligation to reproduce or mother in any form. 

Is the Expectation of Motherhood Misogynistic?

Though there are men who are also childfree by choice, they are often subject to less criticism than women who have the same desires or life trajectory. Perhaps the lack of criticism originates in the misogynistic ideal that women are “made” to be mothers. Some people think that women are naturally more nurturing while men are naturally more aggressive. Thus, women are supposed to raise and care for children, while men, whose aggression serves them in the rat race, are supposed to earn money and be more successful. 

Do Social Pressures to Become a Mother Indicate Gender Bias?

As much as we have made impactful advances regarding the diffusion of gender roles, these expectations do still exist, whether overt or underlying. Some people view women who choose not to marry a man or raise children as unfulfilled and coldhearted, while men who choose not to marry a woman or raise children tend not to get the same level of disapproval. They are often thought of as prioritizing their career or success. Traditionally, women have been expected to become mothers as part of their identity. As such, society often assumes that women can only achieve complete happiness or fulfillment through motherhood, unlike their male counterparts. 

Why Are Some People Child-Free by Choice?

Choosing to be child-free is a lifestyle choice that isn’t dictated by a dislike for children but is driven by personal considerations and priorities. Below are common reasons people are childfree by choice. 

They Never Wanted Children

Some women simply do not have the drive to reproduce, be a mother, pass on their genes, or any other innate drive women are supposed to have. While some women are unsure and make the decision to be childless later in life, one study suggests that most childfree adults reported that they decided they did not want children early in life. Many women describe the yearning to have children as something that is mostly uncontrollable but very felt. For women who do not seek to be mothers, they tend not to have this longing for motherhood. Or, they might not like children, they may know that the unpredictability of children will be too activating for them, or they may just not be into it. Whatever the case may be, some women are childless by choice simply because they never wanted children.

Personal Fulfillment

Though raising children can be a very fulfilling experience for certain individuals, for others, it simply does not fulfill them in the same ways. Some individuals find fulfillment in other meaningful things beyond having children. After all, being a parent is not the only thing in life that can elicit a sense of purpose. Having a greater sense of independence may be greatly important to someone. A person can find meaning through pursuing careers, raising a pet, caring for members of their family, being a committed romantic partner, through hobbies, or otherwise. 

Mental and Emotional Well-Being

In the United States, about 90% of Americans have reported some level of burnout. Some individuals may choose to be child-free to prioritize their mental and emotional well-being. Some people already encounter enough burnout from trying to balance their social and personal lives with their jobs/careers. Raising children is clearly a huge responsibility that requires dedicated time, money, and care, both physical and emotional. They may simply not have the available time to raise a child amongst all their other responsibilities properly, or they might not want to add another factor to their already busy and, at times, overwhelming life. 

Romantic Bonds

By being child-free, individuals can focus on their romantic relationship or marriage, potentially strengthening their bond with a partner. Romantic relationships require work and effort from both parties involved. This consists of taking proper time to communicate, allocating dedicated quality downtime together, and making time for date nights and little adventures. Though it is by no means impossible to keep romance alive when children are in the picture, it does take away from time dedicated specifically to one’s romantic relationship with one’s partner. Working together as parents is very different from working together as romantic partners. They require different skills and consist of different difficulties.

Health and Wellness

Choosing not to have biological children can eliminate potential health risks and complications associated with pregnancy, childbirth, and later complications for women, such as bone density issues. Having a child is a large undertaking for one’s body. Approximately ten months of developing a living being is no easy feat. During pregnancy, women may experience fatigue, nausea, frequent urination, body aches, constipation, mood changes, hemorrhoids, and more. During childbirth, women run the risk of perineal tears, excessive bleeding, delivery via cesarean section, and an array of health complications with the baby itself, including death. Post-partum women are susceptible to bone density issues, cardiovascular diseases, infections such as sepsis, high blood pressure, amniotic fluid embolism, and post-partum depression and anxiety. Not to mention, women may be at higher risk for miscarriages and not want to put themselves through that potential trauma.

Personal Freedom

Without the responsibilities of raising children, individuals have the freedom to pursue their passions, hobbies, and travel. People may value their independence very highly, enjoying the freedom that comes with being responsible for themselves and no one else. While children are autonomous beings, their parents are still responsible for them, significantly impacting their independence. Yes, parents have the freedom of choice, but sometimes their independent interests may not align with their identity as a parent or goals for their children. For example, suppose they want to eat as a family together every night for dinner. In that case, their interest in playing on an intramural sports team every Tuesday evening may not be possible. Some women are just not willing to give up these freedoms in place of other goals. 

Financial Reasons

Raising children can be costly. Deciding not to have kids can provide more financial freedom. About a quarter  (26%) of parents younger than 40 who don’t expect to have more children in the future cite financial reasons. Kids, just like adults, require money to take care of. Given that it is hard enough for many people to support themselves financially, adding a child to their dynamic doesn’t seem to be the smartest idea to them. Providing a stable environment for a child does require stable finances, as you become solely/dually responsible for keeping another human being alive and thriving.

Career Advancement

Being childless by choice can provide more opportunities for career growth and advancement. You’re able to uproot and move locations for a job more easily. You’re able to dedicate more time to a job, maybe even one with odd hours, or less time to a job since you’re not worried about providing for a child. You may feel comfortable taking a job that pays less but satisfies more because you don’t need to worry about providing for anyone besides yourself and possibly your partner. Not having children provides additional flexibility to focus on your job and adjust your work life to your liking.

Uncertainty About the World

Concerns about overpopulation and its impact on the environment can be a driving factor for some individuals choosing childlessness. Some people do not want to have children on the moral basis that it would be harmful to bring a child into a world or a country that is seemingly on a downward spiral. The environment isn’t exactly peachy-keen. Much like the environment is unpredictable and global warming is on the rise, the US economy may be on the brink of another recession, and the country’s political climate is increasingly tumultuous. Some people don’t want to expose a child to a world with an unknown, possibly bleak, future.

What are some of the benefits of being child-free?

Self-Care

Not having a child gives you the freedom to dedicate more time to yourself. Your free time is entirely within your control! You can use time outside of work to indulge in self-care. Self-care comes in many different forms. Self-care could be strengthening your relationships, indulging in your hobbies, relaxing and unwinding, catching up on sleep, exercising more, or anything that pleases you. The possibilities are endless! Self-care can lead to lower stress levels, a lower risk of illness, an increase in energy, and an increase in overall mental health.

Caring for the Planet

One study identified that the greatest impact individuals can have in fighting climate change is to have one fewer child. The more people living in the world, the more resources are being used. Even one less person introduced to the world can begin a chain reaction that ends in a less negative impact on the planet. Though intentional, individual actions such as being a vegan, wearing sustainable clothing, using solar power, and such are well-meaning, resources of the environment are still being used by a person simply living their life out on Earth.

Having a Choice is Beneficial for Both Parties

Women’s autonomy has continuously been a hot-button issue, particularly surrounding the topics of partnership and parenting. For example, the debate regarding women’s bodily autonomy in the form of abortion rights has been on the forefront recently. Despite past strides in granting women more of a right to choose whether to pursue abortions legally, Roe v. Wade recently got overturned, indicating an alarming reversal in progress regarding women’s choice. But women should have the right to pursue any path they choose, whether it be careers, relationships, decisions with their bodies, or parenting. When someone is pressured into raising a child when they are not fully committed to taking on such an impactful role as a parent, it can yield short-term and long-term consequences for both parent and child. The most effective parenting style is authoritative parenting. Authoritative parenting consists of a parent who solves problems collaboratively with their child, establishes direct rules and expectations, communicates clearly and kindly with their child, and enacts reasonable consequences. They balance setting boundaries and keeping expectations with nurturing and fostering their child’s happiness. A parent who is not fully committed to doing their absolute best to provide their child with a sense of stability and nurturing could cause adverse effects on their child. Some of the adverse effects of a negative parenting experience on a child can include but are not limited to, antisocial behaviors, poor self-esteem, indifference, control difficulties, rebellious behavior, higher likelihood of criminal activity, aggression, low resilience, negative self-perception, and trouble forming meaningful relationships. When people are given the autonomy to decide whether or not to have children, those who end up being parents are those who are deeply committed to their role as a caregiver, rather than people who have children because they feel the pressure to do so.

What is Generational Trauma, and How Does the Expectation of Parenthood Help to Perpetuate It?

Generational trauma is the transference of traumas from one generation of a family to the next. Childhood experiences significantly impact one’s adult life as adverse childhood experiences can, via trauma, pass from grandparent to parent to child to grandchildren and so on. Abuse and trauma are cyclical, and only through understanding these cycles can they break. For example, suppose someone was a child with neglectful parents and does not have the opportunity to properly process the trauma associated with being raised poorly. In that case, they may go on to raise their children similarly since that type of parenting is all they know. In this way, allowing people, particularly women who have been thought of as caretakers throughout history, to make their own decisions on whether they want to raise children is a quick and straightforward way to halt generational trauma before it even begins. Suppose people are not pressured to have children when they don’t genuinely want to. In that case, they will not inadvertently harm their children by raising them while not fully committed to the role of a caretaker. That cycle of generational trauma will not start or perpetuate. This is not to say that the only way to stop generational trauma is not to have children. Survivors of generational trauma are more than capable of raising children successfully through a proper understanding of the issues with their family dynamics growing up and proper processing of their childhood traumas. But if a person is fortunate enough not to have experienced adverse childhood experiences and is pressured by family, society, partners, etc., to have a child, the cycle of generational trauma may start with that child. People who don’t want children are not guaranteed to be poor parents, of course, but anyone who must do something they don’t entirely want to do is naturally not going to give it 100%.

What if Someone Feels Empowered by Being a Mother?

Mothering is by no means an inherently misogynistic concept. Mothering itself is not a source of female oppression. Rather, it is the patriarchal presumption of motherhood that is female oppression. There is a lot of beauty and empowerment in being a mother. Mothering is no easy feat! It requires an immense amount of strength, both physically and emotionally, to nurture a child. Many women feel a remarkable sense of empowerment from their role as mothers. The ability to raise a human being and help create and form their world is a gorgeous thing. And though the expectations surrounding motherhood impact all women, whether they decide to be mothers or not, modern motherhood has made great strides. Working mothers are more normalized than they used to be, acknowledging that women can have careers and children and that they are not mutually exclusive. It can be doubly empowering for a woman to be able to excel in both their workplace and as a mother. The same goes for single mothers, who raise children all on their own, showing that a man, or a partner in general, is not entirely necessary for a child to be happy. And there are parent duos made up of two mothers or two fathers. All this to say, no matter the circumstance, autonomy in a woman’s decision to be a mother, whether that involves not being a mother, being a single mother, being a working mother, and so on, must be reinforced throughout society. The women’s movement still has a long way to go, and this is just one of many areas in which harmful expectations still exist.

No matter your level of desire to become a parent, and no matter what form that parenting desire may take, it is perfectly normal to not be sure one way or another. Only through reflection and exploration can you truly gain a deeper understanding of what you may want. Though it is normalized, and sometimes pressured, to have children and build a more “traditional” family, any path you take is valid. Different paths work for different people. If you found this article helpful or if you are looking to gain clarity and explore your relationship with parenting, call us at 267-495-4951 to collaborate with therapists that specialize in individual therapy.

The post Child-free by Choice: Modern Women’s Parenting Decisions appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Let us tell you the truth about couples therapy. It’s not just for troubled relationships, it helps improve communication, intimacy, and problem-solving skills, building a stronger foundation to prevent future issues. It focuses on the relationship rather than individuals, addressing various topics like trust, conflict resolution, and emotional connection.

Whether you’re navigating difficulties or seeking to enhance your relationship, therapy can provide the tools for a healthier, more fulfilling partnership. Embrace the opportunity to deepen your bond and grow together.  

What is the purpose of couples therapy?

In couples therapy, as opposed to individual therapy, the client is the relationship, not the individuals in the relationship. This allows the focus to be on the relationship as a whole and not the individual needs of the relationship’s members. 

Couples therapy serves several purposes, including improving a couple’s communication, emotional and physical intimacy, trust, understanding, and problem-solving skills. It can also help couples navigate differences in sex, sexuality, values, expectations for the future, and life transitions. Lastly, couples therapy can also be for repairing relational mishaps, such as infidelity, neglect, substance use, financial issues, or the loss of a child. For many couples, it can be helpful to have an objective guide who can teach them new skills, model new ways to communicate, point out patterns, and propose new ways to look at things. 

The therapist will also guide the couple in creating new experiences in the session when communicating, looking to solve a problem, or connecting deeper that they haven’t experienced at home. Ultimately, the purpose of couples therapy will vary per couple. However, there are some common expectations you can come into therapy having: learning about yourself and your partner(s) and how that impacts the relationship, emphasizing empathy, compassion, and understanding, and gaining a deeper connection to one another (even if you decide to break up), and learn how to disagree (not preventing it).  

What happens in a couples therapy session?

Couples therapy can look different depending on the model or theory the therapist is working from, but there are some general similarities in all approaches. Couples therapy will begin with the therapist taking a history of the couple, including their time together and their lives before meeting. While collecting this information, the therapist will also be working on developing the therapeutic relationship and needed rapport with the couple so that the couple feels comfortable, safe, and accepted to share openly and be vulnerable. During this history taking, the therapist might ask about familial relationships, past romantic relationships, major life events, sexual history, and plans for the future.

Next, the couple’s therapist will work with the couple to identify treatment goals. Frequently, couples will come in and be able to identify what the problem is but not what their goals are. For example, a couple may come in because they are having the same arguments repeatedly and they are tired of fighting. However, they cannot recognize that the associated goals would include learning effective communication skills and communication blockers, empathetic listening skills, engaging in perception shifts, and understanding the underlying patterns and beliefs missed when this cyclical fighting occurs. 

Most forms of couples therapy will focus on communication and listening skills, though how they go about that will differ. Conflict resolution cannot occur until new ways of engaging, sharing, and listening are developed. Often, in conflicts, we are so focused on what it is we want to say we miss things being said to us; also, it is common for there to be a disconnect between what one partner is saying and what the other is hearing. In addition to the therapist aiding the couple in developing new communication and active listening skills, the therapist will also help the couple recognize when this communication disconnect is occurring, increase their awareness of the underlying thoughts and beliefs that contribute to this disconnect, and provide reframes to aid the couple in better understanding what is being said or not said. 

Once couples have gained new communication and listening skills, the sessions will transition to focus on the individual needs of the couple. This could include problem-solving and conflict resolution, exploring relational dynamics, negotiating changes within the relationship, increasing trust, healing and repair, improving sexual and romantic intimacy, and sharing in a more intimate and vulnerable manner. Some therapists may request homework assignments to be done between sessions as a means to transition the therapeutic work outside of the therapy office. 

Lastly, the couple will move into the maintenance phase of treatment. Or, they may identify new goals they want to work on and start the process over again. The maintenance phase means that the couple has reached their goals. In the maintenance phase, the therapist will explore with the couple the changes they’ve made and what might come up that could set them back or hinder their progress. The therapist will empower the couple to continue growing and learning beyond the therapeutic space. The couple will identify the new tools and skills they learned in therapy to get into the maintenance phase so that they can intentionally continue to use them. 

Who is couples therapy for?

Contrary to what many think, couples therapy is for all couples, not just those experiencing difficulties. For some couples, participating in couples therapy can help them proactively strengthen the relationship and prevent minor issues from escalating into larger problems. Couples can engage in therapy at any relationship stage or during any transitional period. Some couples therapists are versed in different relationship needs, including those of the LGBTQIA* community, multicultural couples, those with blended families, or those needing support with specific concerns, whether it be co-parenting/parenting differences, sexual concerns, infidelity, kink/fetishes, or Ace-Allo/Ace-Aro identity differences. Couples therapy is also for those who don’t consider themself a couple. Maybe you’re in a throuple or the primary or metamour partner along with the secondary partner(s). However you define your relationship and your role in it, couples therapy can still be useful for you.

Things to Know About Couples Therapy

Couples therapists can have different qualifications. Some are Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFTs), some are Licensed Professional Counselors (LPCs), and some are Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW). These licenses are based on what type of educational program the clinician attended and what their general background training is. You may also be able to work with an intern or pre-licensed clinician for couples therapy. These clinicians receive supervision from a more experienced, licensed therapist and can help guide your work. Many therapists, regardless of their licensure, obtain additional training in couples therapy, focusing on specific clinical techniques, communication skills, conflict resolution skills, and relational or system dynamics. Common additional training is under models such as Emotionally Focused Therapy, IMAGO, or the Gottman Method. 

Couples therapy focuses on the relationship over the individual. While aspects of the individual will be explored, it will be looked at within the context of the relationship. The overall goals of couples therapy will be focused on improving the quality, health, and satisfaction of the relationship and not on individual personal growth (though that can happen as well). Sometimes, improving the quality, health, and satisfaction of the relationship means that the relationship dissolves and the couple breaks up. While having couples break up is not the therapist’s goal, it is their job to point out when it may be advantageous for a couple to explore separation. 

Many couples therapists will ask to meet with the couple individually and jointly, though the frequency of the individual sessions will vary based on clinical determination of need. Many couples therapists have a “rule” of not keeping secrets that come up during individual sessions. Not keeping secrets means that information shared in the individual sessions that is important to the therapy work done in the conjoint sessions will not be withheld from the other partner(s). The therapist will work with the individual to get them in a place they feel comfortable sharing in the joint sessions. Exceptions to sharing this information are that sharing will be harmful or dangerous in some way.

An example of harmful or dangerous disclosures is when an extramarital affair is disclosed in an individual session. The therapist will support and aid the one having an affair in disclosing this to their partner in a conjoint session. However, an example of this disclosure possibly being harmful is if the infidelity happened twenty years ago during a partner’s fight with cancer. The infidelity seems to have no impact on the current issues the couple is having and would only further pain, shame, and guilt the cancer survivor partner. 

Couples therapy is often scheduled on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, depending on the therapist’s professional opinion on the case. It can be short-term with a specific focus on resolving an identified issue or long-term with a focus on deeper-level relational work. Unless the couple came in to explore separation, it is often considered beneficial for the couple to commit to putting discussion of separation on hold at the beginning of couple work, with an understanding that the focus of therapy can transition to that focus later. 

Couples therapy can be very beneficial, though no outcome can be guaranteed as it depends upon the severity of the issue and how both partners engage in the therapy process. Open and honest participation is necessary, as well as a commitment to the treatment goals and a willingness to change one’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to change things within the relationship. 

The Benefits of Couples Therapy

Couples therapy can have multiple benefits. This includes improving communication and listening, increasing honest and open communication, increasing feelings of intimacy and trust, and providing couples with skills to manage conflict or problems when they arise. Couples can experience improvement in boundary making and respecting decision-making, negotiating differing needs and wants, conflict prevention, and alignment of parenting styles. By enhancing how they express empathy, compassion, validation, and perspective-taking, couples will have an easier time navigating cultural differences, rebuilding trust, increasing emotional connection, and building emotional and sexual intimacy. By creating healthier relational patterns, the individuals experience increased self-awareness and positive personal growth. 

Types of Couples Therapy

Couples therapy works by changing how one participates within the relationship. In couples therapy, change can develop from looking at a few different things.  One thing that can be helpful is examining how one thinks, feels, and behaves in general, as well as how one relates to others overall. Change can develop from reflecting on and changing how one communicates and responds to conflict, as well as the narrative each person holds about themselves, their partner(s), and the relationship. A couples therapist can also aid the couple in examining what each individual brings from past experiences into their current relationships.  

Some examples of couples therapy models and methods include the following (though this is not an exhaustive list):

• The Gottman Method: a form of couples therapy created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, focusing on communication skills and conflict resolution. 
• IMAGO Relationship Therapy: a form of therapy that focuses on unconscious idealized love, relationship patterns, communication, and resolving past “wounds.”
• Emotionally-Focused Therapy: a structured approach that focuses on emotions and attachment to allow for corrective emotional experiences and deeper emotional connections. 
• Narrative Therapy: couples will examine how their inner narrative/stories affect their perceptions and direct the way they interact with their partner(s), allowing them the opportunity to rewrite the narrative more positively. 
• Attachment-Focused Therapy: this looks at attachment styles, reframing behaviors within the context of attempting to get one’s needs met, and supporting the couple as they move from insecure to secure attachment styles
• Cognitive-behavioral couples Therapy: a therapy that looks at the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, believing that by changing one, the other two will also change. 
• Sex Therapy: couples therapy that focuses on sex and sexuality concerns within the relationship, utilizing a view that sexual concerns are an issue of the couple as a whole and not the individual 
• Solution-Focused: this is usually a short-term therapy approach that takes a structured and direct approach to finding solutions to current problems without expanding focus into an individual’s past or other areas of the relationship.
• Family Systems Therapy: looks at the family and systems each person comes from and the influences past family dynamics have on how the individual engages in relationships.
• Relational Life Therapy: an approach developed by Terry Real, that examines relationship patterns and concerns as they relate to early attachment and cultural influences, as well as the impact past relationships have on current ones. 
• Integrative Couples Therapy: an approach to therapy that incorporates multiple approaches of couples therapy to personalize treatment to the specific needs of each couple.
• Esther Perel’s approach: her approach focuses on the interconnection, interplay, and, at times, conflicting needs between intimacy and desire; couples will explore topics related to communication, connection, trust, and compatibility. 

No one method of couples therapy has been shown in the research to be “better” than any other. However, some of the models listed above have more research behind them. The Gottman’s, for example, have made it their life’s work and have put out world-renowned research. Sue Johnson (Emotionally-Focused Therapy) and Terry Real are leaders in couples therapy.  Each method works to increase awareness and insight and create changes in how one relates interpersonally. 

Why might a couples therapist recommend individual therapy first?

There are many reasons a couples therapist may recommend each member attend individual therapy first, and that is not a reflection of the state of the relationship or the ability for the relationship to be worked on. There may be some individual things that the therapist believes would benefit the individual to work on independently, which can also result in an improvement in the relationship. Examples of this would include when one member of the couple is experiencing depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, or difficulty regulating emotions. It would also be recommended for when one of the individuals wants to work on areas of personal growth and goals outside of the relationship. A therapist may also suggest this when one member of the relationship is experiencing unresolved grief or trauma, as individual therapy would allow more time and space to be focused on healing these wounds. 

If there is a safety-related concern, the therapist may recommend individual therapy first. If the therapist has concerns regarding the emotional or physical safety of any relationship member, the couple will be referred separately for individual therapy before beginning couples therapy. Couples therapy cannot be effective when the therapy or home space is unsafe. Couples therapy is also not effective if there is current infidelity happening. Related to safety, this does not create emotional safety for the non-cheating partner. Ongoing infidelity also takes up some of the energy and motivation of the cheating partner that is needed to work on the primary relationship. 

Why do I feel so scared or intimidated when I think about being in couples therapy?

Therapy can feel intimidating, whether individual, family, group, or couples therapy. It is reasonable for people to be scared to confront their past, face difficult issues, or accept the need to make change. In fact, by agreeing to therapy, one is automatically agreeing to reflect, confront, and make a decision to change or not. It can be scary to open oneself up to a stranger, especially when the outcome of it is unknown. The whole process can feel very vulnerable, which for many is naturally a fearful thing. 

For many people, they experience a fear of being judged, a fear of change, a fear of both failure and success and a fear of having to confront the things that make them unhappy. Many people have internalized shame and stigma about being in therapy and what being in couples therapy means for the relationship. People also have a fear of the vulnerability that arises in therapy, as well as a fear of being rejected if they allow themselves to be vulnerable, authentic, and open.

These fears are all valid and reasonable. It is important to remember that these same fears can underlie some of the relational issues that result in seeking couples therapy. By engaging in couples therapy, even when intimidated and fearful of it, the couple is opening themselves up to change.

 In couples therapy, all of these experiences feel magnified because you are not just in the presence of a therapist but also being witnessed in them by your partner(s). At first, this idea of sharing such vulnerabilities and being so honest and real in the sessions may seem scary. However, the idea of couples therapy is to get vulnerable with your partner(s) in hopes of joining you together and creating a deeper connection. 

Concluding Thoughts

Couples therapy does not need to be viewed as something to avoid, nor does it imply that the relationship is failing. While couples therapy can help when larger problems have already arisen within the relationship, it can also help prevent some of the larger problems from developing. Couples therapy can provide the tools couples need to weather problems if/when they arise in the future.  

The post The Truth About Couples Therapy appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Our intimate relationships are vital to our lives as we share our most important moments with our partners. However, sometimes those relationships can become unsafe or unhealthy. If you feel unsafe in your relationship, you may be in an intimate partner violent (IPV) relationship. Are you currently in a relationship where you have questions if it is safe or healthy? Have you ever been in a relationship that you have labeled toxic or unhealthy? Do you sometimes compare your relationship to your family or friend’s relationships and question if they experience some of the same things you are experiencing? Have you ever asked yourself in your relationship, “Is this abuse?” If you are having these thoughts or concerns or if family or friends have expressed worry about your intimate relationship, it is possible that you may be experiencing intimate partner violence. Please read further to learn more about intimate partner violence and see if your partner is exhibiting behaviors of violence towards you.

What is Intimate Partner Violence?

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is often described as the ongoing abuse of an intimate partner or family member. It can include, but is not limited to, the following types of abuse: physical, emotional, verbal, psychological, sexual, or financial. The various forms of abuse can occur individually or collectively. It does not discriminate in who experiences it. Therefore, IPV can be experienced at any socioeconomic level, in any race, and from any sex or gender. Intimate partner violence often occurs in privacy and historically has been a topic that was not widely discussed due to its sensitivity towards victims, perpetrators, and communities. Historically, it has occurred behind closed doors, contributing to victims’ and survivors’ reluctance to speak out. 

Examples of the different types of IPV look like: 

Physical Intimate Partner Violence: physical violence towards an intimate partner, including but not limited to hitting, punching, biting, strangling, burning, grabbing, or shoving.

Emotional Intimate Partner Violence: undermining one’s self-worth, constantly criticizing them, gaslighting, isolating them from family and friends.

Verbal Intimate Partner Violence: calling you names, insulting, criticizing your appearance, yelling, or murmuring.

Psychological Intimate Partner Violence: gaslighting, terrorizing you, playing mind games, threatening to hurt your family or friends, telling you not to be friends with someone, not allowing you to workout or shave your legs (controlling your body).

Sexual Intimate Partner Violence: coercing or forcing you into sexual acts without your consent, using your body while unconscious for sexual gratification

Financial Intimate Partner Violence: controlling your finances, preventing you from working or studying, spending your money on personal items that they could pay for

History of Intimate Partner Violence

The issue of intimate partner violence, also referred to as domestic violence, was first recognized socially in the 1970s. It correlated with the feminist and women’s rights movements that began simultaneously. 1973 marked the first recognition of “domestic violence” and “spousal abuse.” (Throughout this blog post, I will interchangeably use IPV, domestic violence, and spousal abuse.) The feminist and women’s rights movements initially identified IPV as an issue. The United States Surgeon General formally identified domestic violence and violent behavior as a public health priority in 1979. Since this proclamation, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has been very involved in violence prevention across the United States. Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs (DAIP) began in 1980 to help improve Minnesota’s criminal justice system and response to domestic violence survivors. Minnesota advocates sought domestic violence victims and survivors to have more options when escaping violent relationships and situations. This effort has become known as “The Duluth Model.” The Duluth Model and DAIP have become globally recognized as best practices for supporting survivors. 

The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was introduced in 1994 by the U.S. government as a major step in addressing the issue of intimate partner violence. By acknowledging that the issue of domestic violence has been a pertinent issue within the United States, more programs have been introduced and developed to improve access to services. Before the introduction of VAWA in 1994, there were few laws addressing the issue of domestic violence. It was not until 1920 that beating or abusing your wife in the United States was made illegal, and beyond that, domestic violence was often not charged or prosecuted criminally. 

Gender equality also significantly affected how domestic violence was viewed and addressed. From a heteronormative point of view, historically, women were often viewed as less than their male counterparts. Males were, and sometimes still are, often in positions of power and could leverage that power when individuals accused them of domestic violence. 

It should be noted that same-sex couples experience domestic violence at almost the same rates as heterosexual couples. Access to services for same-sex couples has been limited historically. However, there has been a significant push from DAIP agencies to create more inclusive services and access to emergency and safety services across the board. It should be noted that as rights and laws for LGBTQIA become a more prominent issue across the United States, accessibility for survivors of domestic violence within this group has improved. 

Advocacy for victims and survivors of domestic violence became more visible in the late 1970s when the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence was established. The coalition oversees state-run agency’s programming and services, participates in policy support and lobbying, and supports training. The creation of this coalition began the conversation about domestic violence on a more public stage. Their advocacy exponentially increased and became more prevalent with the creation of VAWA. The passage of VAWA efficiently changed how crimes against women and children were handled. It spurred a series of policies and laws that addressed holding offenders and abusers to harsher and more appropriate sentencing guidelines. 

With organizations such as NCADV and the passage of laws, such as VAWA, domestic violence is more openly discussed and acknowledged, especially in healthcare environments. It is now commonplace for medical providers and professionals to ask individuals if they are experiencing domestic violence and assess their safety in their homes. Suppose a client or patient discloses that they are feeling unsafe or are experiencing domestic violence. Those individuals are linked to the appropriate providers, agencies, and organizations or programs that can best support them. 

Statistics of Intimate Partner Violence

To give you a sense of how prominent IPV is and why we must talk about it, here are some national statistics (at the time this article was written, June 2023): 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men will experience some form of intimate partner violence over the course of their lifetime. 20% of individuals within the LGBTIA+ community have experienced IPV.  It has been reported that an individual is abused by an intimate partner almost every 20 minutes. Domestic violence hotlines report receiving around 20,000 calls daily throughout the United States. It is estimated that annually, there are 10 million individuals who identify as victims/survivors of abuse. These statistics are staggering but are evidence of the ongoing issue and prevalence of domestic violence in the United States. 

A phrase commonly used at domestic violence agencies is that DV/IPV does not discriminate among the populations affected by it. While intimate partner violence does not discriminate, women of color and trans individuals are often victimized at higher rates. Native Americans and Asian American Pacific Islanders (AAPI) individuals are also victimized at higher rates. 

As stated above, IPV does not discriminate. However, domestic violence is strongly impacted by different demographic markers. Studies and research have shown that people of color, those of lower socioeconomic status, and marginalized individuals experience IPV at higher rates and percentages across all spectrums. Many of these incidences, however, go unreported. It would not be surprising if you have friends or family members who have experienced violence within an intimate relationship and have not discussed it due to shame and fear. 

Who Is Helping Decrease Intimate Partner Violence?

Intimate partner violence has caught the attention of government and state-level agencies. There has been a response from federal governmental agencies, such as the Centers for Disease Control and the Office of Violence Against Women (OVW), to understand the dynamics of domestic violence better and create programs aimed at prevention. States are individually creating programs that are aimed at addressing prevention. Most states operate a coalition that works with supporting local agencies to provide services such as emergency shelter, counseling, court/legal advocacy, and community education. The state coalitions are often instrumental in policy change and advocacy for improved laws to protect survivors. 

The Effects of Intimate Partner Violence as Trauma

When reflecting on victims/survivors of IPV and the role that trauma plays for them, it is crucial to understand the direct correlation between violence and trauma. Studies have shown that 77-98% of women incarcerated have reported historical and ongoing trauma and violence. This percentage includes females with complex trauma. Proper education around the interconnectedness of intimate partner violence and trauma could potentially support diversion programs and treatment programs to support healing and recovery. 

Comorbid Issues Related to Intimate Partner Violence

The response to how to address intimate partner violence and trauma has been slowly evolving. With individuals presenting with more complex trauma, there is an increased risk of becoming involved with substance use and the justice system. It is not uncommon for those actively experiencing intimate partner violence to be actively involved in the justice system due to the ongoing threats and acts of violence. It is essential to discuss and consider that the risk for more severe violence and exposure to increased mental health and substance use issues increases exponentially when law enforcement and possible incarceration are actively present in a violent relationship.

Substance Abuse

It is not uncommon for survivors of IPV to cope with the trauma of their experience by using illegal substances as a coping mechanism. Much like violence, addiction can carry the weight of shame and guilt for those who find themselves in active addiction. Individuals who have experienced IPV experience mental health and substance use issues at much higher rates than those who do not experience IPV. When active addiction is occurring within relationships where IPV is present, there is also an increased risk for more severe violence and exposure to perilous behaviors such as crime. Creating safe and inclusive spaces and programs for those experiencing addiction and IPV is necessary and available through certain agencies and clinicians. It is now common practice for medical providers to screen individuals for active IPV, which can link them to the appropriate resources. 

Legal Issues

77%-98% of women currently incarcerated have reported experiencing trauma, violence, and substance use in their lifetimes. 80% of incarcerated women meet the criteria for psychiatric disorders as well. There has been extensive research on the ongoing exposure and prevalence of IPV among incarcerated individuals. Exposure to violence is directly linked to higher rates of incarceration and individuals coming into more frequent contact with law enforcement. 

Due to the prolific nature of intimate partner violence and its relation to experienced trauma, it plays a pivotal role in how advocates, therapists, healthcare providers, and clinicians choose best to support survivors in their healing journeys and overall safety. By acknowledging how trauma impacts individuals in violent relationships, survivors can receive better treatment in their healing journeys. 

Safety First

Determine your safety

The first step in healing from intimate partner violence is to determine your safety. Determining safety could look like a few different things for many people. Still, a good first step could be to look inward at your relationship and ask yourself, “Do I feel safe in this environment, “ or  “Does my partner respect me with their words and actions?” Respect can come in many forms, but when working with clients, I often ask them if their partner calls them names, puts down how they look or act, or threatens them. I will also ask them, has their partner ever raised their hand at them, threatened them with physical violence, or become physical with them? At times, experiencing these behaviors can occur infrequently, or they can occur daily or weekly. Any of these behaviors constitute abuse and should not be tolerated within an intimate relationship.

• Ensure your safety

The next step an individual can begin to move towards in their healing journey is ensuring their safety. I often encourage clients to start creating a safety plan. This could look like making sure they have a working cell phone or 911 phone, ensuring they have all their important identifying documents (photo ID, children’s birth certificates, social security cards, deed to the house if your name is on it), identify if there are any safe places or people that they can confide in or potentially go to if they are living with their partner and need to leave the residence. If individuals are working with any type of healthcare provider and feel comfortable and safe with them, it could be a good idea to disclose to them your current situation and see what resources they can offer. 

Another resource that could be beneficial when determining safety and planning your next steps would be to call a domestic violence hotline. There is a National Domestic Violence Hotline, aptly referred to as “The Hotline” (800-799-7233), the state coalition of Pennsylvania (PCADV) supports county-run hotlines, and Philadelphia has its own hotline as well for all of Philadelphia county, 1-866-723-3014. These hotline are all 24/7 and the advocates that answer calls can answer general questions about services or support as well as help individuals safety plan regarding their situation. 

• Safety Planning

Safety planning is vital and necessary in situations and relationships where domestic violence is present. Safety planning can look different for each individual and their situation. I would say that when creating your safety plan, adjusting it to fit your needs is important and necessary. I always encourage gathering important documentation, including IDs, social security cards, birth certificates, insurance information, etc. Having these items can help make the decision to leave a little bit easier overall in starting over or restarting if that is what you determine is best for you. Even if leaving is not part of your overall safety plan at this time, having access to identifying information is very helpful. 

Another step I encourage people in safety planning is to ensure they have a safe means of communication, particularly a cell phone. It is not uncommon in certain situations where an individual’s partner may have access to their cell phones and want to see or know who they are speaking to. This is a form of control that abusers often employ in violent relationships. Ensuring safe access to communication is another vital step in safety planning. I have sometimes encouraged or helped clients obtain a secondary phone to communicate with the individuals, helping them achieve or maintain their overall safety. 

• Decide if you need to leave your relationship

• Explore with a professional what leaving could look and feel like

• Put your plan into action

It is a huge step to talk about experiencing domestic violence and to take steps to keep yourself safe. There can often be shame when talking about experiencing violence in an intimate relationship, and seeking help can very overwhelming and scary, but there are resources. Statistically, it can take someone at least seven (7) times to leave an unhealthy or violent relationship. Asking for help in these situations is possible and can be a life-changing experience. Everyone deserves to live a life free of violence and ultimately feel safe in their intimate relationships and homes. If this is something that you are experiencing or if it is something that you want to explore or process further, there is help available. Please feel free to contact hotlines or me if you are ready to start the healing process. 

Next Steps in Healing from Intimate Partner Violence

Healing from IPV can take a long time, and you may always feel a part of you is still in that relationship. Please finish this section by normalizing the length of time of healing, going to individual therapy and support groups, and being open with your story. Discuss the yearning to sometimes go back to a partner and what that push/pull will feel like.

The post What is Intimate Partner Violence? appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Letting go of anger and resentment can be challenging, but it’s very important for your well-being. This guide helps you understand what forgiveness truly means and provides practical steps to help you release the overwhelm of past offenses. Following these steps can transform your relationships and find a healthier, happier life. If you’re struggling with forgiveness, reach out to us today for support on your journey to healing.

What is forgiveness? 

Forgiveness can look different from person to person. There are many different ways a person can practice forgiveness. Before we define forgiveness, let’s clarify what forgiveness is not. 

Real forgiveness is the process of willfully letting go of anger and resentment towards yourself, another person, a situation, or an institution and moving forward after thoughtfully assessing the damages done by the offense. 

Two types of offenses 

There are two main types of offenses: acts of commission and acts of omission. A commissive offense is an action or something done that causes harm or is insulting. An example of an act of commission is slander; talking bad about another person is an action. An offense of omission is when harm and insult are brought on by inaction. A friend who decides not to disclose knowledge of their friend’s partner cheating commits an act of omission because by not saying anything, they violated their friend’s well-being and trust. Another way to think about the difference between a commissive offense and omissive offense is in terms of explicit vs. implicit acts. Commission offenses are explicit in nature; they can be perceived using the 5 senses. Omission offenses are implicit as they cannot be perceived by the five senses, only reasoned as violent. Even when it cannot be measured or observed by others… harm is harm; violence is violence; and abuse is abuse. 

Why Forgiveness Matters

Holding onto negative emotions, such as anger, resentment, and self-loathing, can take a toll on our mental and physical health. Research shows that people with a more positive outlook on situations and who can hold empathy tend to have lower rates of chronic illnesses and better outcomes when sick. Therefore, practicing forgiveness is crucial to a person’s mental, physical, relational, and spiritual well-being. There are many benefits to practicing forgiveness, both for self and for others. Moving from anger to resolution or resentment to empathy can be healing and protective in the long term. 

While forgiveness is essential to wellness, it can be a challenging thing to practice. Especially when the offense is a deep wound that drastically changes your life or how you see yourself in the world. The experience of being unforgiving, specifically the bitterness, resentment, anger, and hatred one rightly feels after a betrayal, is like an infection in a wound. When wounds are infected and left untreated, the infection spreads and creates further damage to the body. In the same way, emotional wounds can become “infected” when ignored or not properly addressed. An infected emotional wound spreads and affects a person’s life, relationships, health, and overall well-being. Forgiveness matters because your life matters. Being unforgiving robs your life of an abundance of love, joy, and peace that makes life fuller and richer. I saw a post online once that read “imagine being bitten by a snake, and instead of trying to help yourself heal and recover from the poison, you are trying to catch the snake to find out why it bit you and prove to it that you didn’t deserve that.” I think this quote sums up perfectly an important truth we often forget when it comes to responding to an offense: seeking healing is far more rewarding than seeking answers. 

Forgiving the Unforgivable 

If you have been betrayed or betrayed yourself in a way that is unimaginable, you may feel forgiveness is impossible. If this is you, first of all I want to say your feelings are valid; you’re not too sensitive or being immature. Betrayal ignites a need for protection. We go into our safe spaces, whether that means shutting down, advocating for ourselves, or holding onto something in hopes that it never happens again. It makes sense that you can’t even imagine letting go of what happened and/or what didn’t happen that cut you deeply. You didn’t deserve it. You read that right. Even if the betrayal was something you did to yourself, you didn’t deserve it. When you give yourself the time and grace necessary to properly heal open emotional wounds, you will find that all offenses are forgivable. There is no such thing as an unforgivable offense only unforgettable ones. Remember, forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. 

Chances are, the thing that needs forgiveness within yourself or another comes from something or someone else long before you or the person. It is quite common that what happens in our childhood will influence our adult relationships with ourselves and others. Whether you are facing self-sabotage or a lineage of behaviors you now see are detrimental to you, your upbringing and family history probably holds the answers to why you are participating in these behaviors. 

You cannot unlive the harm that you experienced. That said, you can give yourself permission to allow safe people to come alongside you, grieve, and heal from your trauma. Put an end to the torment of unhealed trauma and the patterns that evolved due to the injury. The statements above are to empower you, not to tell you, “just get over it.” You don’t deserve to continue paying for a crime that has already cost you so much. Yes, even if you did it to yourself. Give yourself permission to heal and get through the hurt because you deserve better. 

For offenses that seem unforgivable, healing is the most important next step. After healing and freeing yourself from what happened, you can choose whether or not you want to forgive the offender or not. True forgiveness comes from the heart. A broken and traumatized heart cannot and should not attempt forgiveness until it is properly healed or at least in the process of properly healing.  

7 R’s to Forgiving Self and Others 

• Recognize- Awareness is the first step to forgiveness. You must be aware of what happened, how it happened, and how it affected you and your life. You must be honest about your assessment of the offense and the damages because you can’t heal wounds that you pretend don’t exist. It may be difficult to do, but try to be as honest as possible about the following questions: 

• How did the offense make you feel? 

• How did it impact your view of yourself? 

• How did it impact your view of others? 

• How did it impact your view of the world? 

• How did it, or is it impacting your relationship(s) now? 

• What did it cost you or someone else (real or imagined) that you needed to grieve? 

• Did it perpetuate unhealthy patterns in your life?

For example, let’s say I am seeking to forgive my brother for including me as a cosigner for his school loan, skipping payments, and ruining my credit. The first step to letting go of this offense could include:

• Identifying my feelings- I feel angry, sad, hurt, disappointed, betrayed, and disrespected. I feel angry because I think it was an unfair request asked of me, given my financial situation. I feel disrespected because it seemed like he could only think of himself in the situation. I feel hurt because I believe he guilted me into the decision. I feel disappointed because the loan my brother took out ruined my credit. I feel betrayed and disrespected because he said he will keep up with the payments, but he did not; all the late payments have ruined my credit. He doesn’t seem to understand how unfair this is to me. 

• How did it impact your view of yourself? I lost trust in myself and my ability to keep my boundaries and advocate for myself.

• How did it impact your view of others? This situation has made me more cautious with my generosity and doing favors for people. I see others as untrustworthy because of what happened. 

• How did it impact your view of the world? I can’t trust people to have my back, and nothing will work out because my credit score has been ruined.

• How did it, or is it impacting your relationship(s) now? I haven’t been talking to my brother even though I miss him. I’m confused about how to move forward with a relationship. 

• What did it cost you or someone else (real or imagined) that you needed to grieve? My credit score has tanked. I’m anxious when friends call me because I think they want something from me. I’m just not relaxed anymore. The situation cost me my hard work in building good credit, peace, and trust in myself and others.

• Did it perpetuate unhealthy patterns in your life? Yes, now I’m constantly checking my credit score, and I’ve started isolating myself. I was so embarrassed. I felt like a joke to people. 

• Reappraise – To reappraise means to assess and see if you find something different. Here, you can reframe or reinterpret an event or experience to reduce negative feelings about it. Reappraising requires honesty, compassion, and empathy. During reappraisal, the re-interpretation requires honoring one’s humanity and the humanity of others to put the offense in its proper context. Honoring your own or another person’s humanity does not excuse the harm done. It offers a deeper understanding of the offense to help you with the next three steps of this process. Again, empathy is key to reappraising. Empathy means walking in another’s shoes and sharing their experiences and feelings. True empathy is like putting on the humanity of another, wearing their history, story, pain, weaknesses, and limitations to rightly “see” them and truly understand them.  

Within the process of forgiveness, you may need to own that you played a role in the wounding. During the reappraisal step, one often becomes aware of the apologies one needs to make. Take accountability and apologize to yourself or others (if possible) for any harm done or unfair judgment made unknowingly. The reappraisal step is important because it helps to create a separation between the offender(s), (yourself,  the individual, persons, or institution) and the wounds that were inflicted. 

1. Continuing with our example, reappraising could look like the following: “I feel disrespected, and I know my brother was not trying to be disrespectful. Yes, he can be irresponsible, but he is not a disrespectful person. He was in a desperate situation and made a rash decision without considering all the consequences. He has been independent for a long time. He has always decided on things quickly and dealt with the consequences later, so this isn’t personal to me. He had little to no guidance in life. He is doing his best to survive. The decisions he made to survive cost me, but it was not malicious. He honestly did not see things playing out the way they did. I didn’t even see it. I chose to cosign the loan. I should have given the decision more thought and had better boundaries with my finances. 

• Release- This step may feel immature to some. For others, once you have separated the person from the wounds through compassion, understanding, and empathy, you may be ready to choose to free yourself from the weight of the offense. You do this by making a conscious decision (you can even say it aloud) to let go of the desire to continue holding on to the offense. Don’t just say, “I forgive you.” It is better to be specific about the wounds. Instead, say, “I forgive you for the wound when you _____________ (describe the wound).” Name each wound. Do not leave anything out. Each wound is a different source of infection. You want to drain the wounds and remove all the infections. 

1. 1. 1. If you get stuck or cannot complete this step, perhaps more grieving and reappraisal are needed. Go back to the previous steps. Remember, this is a process. Sometimes, you will have to go back multiple times before you can move forward. After moving forward, you may have setbacks. 
      2. If you find there is no more grieving left, but you still can’t forgive. Feel free to skip this step and go to the rewrite step. You can come back to the release step when you feel ready. 
      3. An example of releasing from our case study: I forgive my brother for bulldozing all my hard work in building good credit. I forgive my brother for his failure to make timely payments. I forgive my brother for not being transparent or realistic about his challenges. I forgive my brother for making a promise he did not fulfill. I forgive myself for involving myself in my brother’s issues and not having good boundaries. 

• Rewrite & Release- Once you have compassionately processed and felt all your negative feelings of shame, guilt, anger, bitterness, revenge, resentment, hate, etc., you will be ready to release them. People tend not to be able to forgive because they become stuck in their negative feelings and do not know how to let them go. These negative emotions often cause people to make unhelpful (sometimes untruthful) judgments about themselves, others, and the world around them. Holding on to the pain and negativity results in a continuation of your hurting. It is crucial also to release those unhelpful perspectives and beliefs and re-write negative narratives that do not serve you or your relationships. 

• Rewriting from our example is changing the belief of  “my brother does not care about me; he does not take me or my boundaries seriously” to “my brother doesn’t have the best decision-making skills to process his plans. His ruining my credit was devastating in many ways but not done maliciously.” This narrative helps me release my hate, anger, and resentment toward my brother and even invites compassion and empathy into our relationship. Likewise, I can change the unhelpful perspective of “I am dumb for agreeing to cosign the loan to- “it was kind of me to want to help out my brother, and it would have been wiser to talk more about the decision with someone else, or considered alternatives before taking on such a big responsibility.”

• Restore- After that unhealed trauma and a lack of forgiveness aren’t running things and after releasing the negative feelings and beliefs, what will you do differently? What things did you stop doing that you would like to start? What did you start doing that you want to stop? What balance do you want to strike to restore yourself and your relationships to have a fuller, more prosperous, and healthier life? Were there material things you lost that can be restored? This step requires you to intentionally create the life you want now, now that you have released the burdens of being unforgiving. 

1. Let’s say after the offense, I stopped communicating with my brother because I was too angry and hurt to say anything to him. I can reach out to see if we can restore our relationship; we can have an adult conversation where I don’t shame or blame him for everything. I take accountability for my decision to cosign. I set a boundary and tell him I am uncomfortable co-signing any more loans for him, so he shouldn’t ask. I would apologize for cutting him out of my life. I could tell him I don’t want to shut him out my whole life, just the financial portion. I don’t want to live holding a grudge against my brother forever. I want us to be able to be like we were before the bad credit fiasco. To restore myself, I will hold myself accountable to stop making decisions out of guilt, think carefully and consider the impact of a decision before I sign or say yes, and have better boundaries.

• Repeat- As mentioned earlier, forgiveness is not linear; it is a process. Repeat the above steps as needed. Remember, getting retriggered does happen. Retriggering can happen even after processing an event or experience and working through all the steps above. Feeling retriggered does not mean that you have not truly forgiven. It means that life and relationships are complicated, and emotions are tricky. No such thing as one and done with healing or forgiveness. Let go of the expectation to get over it. You may get over it, or you may never get over it. That does not matter. It is more important that you stay committed to the process of forgiveness by repeating and re-working the steps above as needed. Doing this helps you take back your power and decreases the impact of the harm done. 

• Restitution- This last step of forgiveness is optional. Restitution is a deeper level of restoration; it is repairing the damages done against a person or piece of property. This can look like restoring a person’s character or image, giving compensation, or literally replacing things damaged. Restitution is not necessary to authenticate forgiveness but can be a powerful backing to an apology. Restitution is sometimes impossible (the person moved away, died, or otherwise). Other times, it is unwise or unsafe. If you feel safe enough and feel it is wise or possible, this can be the next step in forgiveness. The restitution step requires verbally or tangibly restoring what was lost, destroyed, or stolen to its proper place. Some examples of restitution are: restoring the relationship lost or returning to the person you slandered and not only taking back the things said in anger and bitterness but verbally affirming their worth and value. 

1. 1. Let’s say while I was bitter and angry, I tweeted and posted mean statuses online about my brother. Restitution could look like me making a tweet or post not only taking those things back but celebrating him, highlighting an achievement or anything of that sort that restores worth and dignity to his name, character, and image.

Conclusion

In conclusion, offenses are inevitable in a world of imperfect people whose decisions and indecisions can cause pain or create deep emotional wounds. Sometimes we can wound ourselves with our own decisions and indecisions. When we ignore, minimize, or hold on to painful experiences, it delays healing and can leave us stuck in the misery of being unforgiving. Being unforgiving robs our life and relationships of joy, peace, and love. Forgiveness is a key that unlocks the door to more affluent, fuller, healthier lives and relationships. If you would like help processing an offense or letting go of being unforgiving towards yourself, another person, an institution, or a community, please call us today at 267-495-4951 to set up an appointment with one of our trained therapists. 

The post The F- Word: Forgiveness in 7 Simple Steps appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Boundaries protect you from emotional exhaustion and ensure respectful interactions. They help you communicate your needs clearly and confidently, allowing for balanced relationships. To set effective boundaries, reflect on your needs, communicate openly, and learn to say “no” without guilt. Embrace boundaries as a form of self-love and empowerment, leading to healthier, more balanced relationships that enrich your life and the lives of those around you.

The Power of Boundaries in Relationships

Setting boundaries is an essential act of self-respect and self-care. It sends a clear message about our values, needs, and expectations in any relationship, whether with family, friends, colleagues, or romantic partners. Boundaries serve as guidelines for acceptable behavior, protecting us from threats like emotional manipulation, toxicity, and draining interactions.

When we establish these rules for our relationships, we foster trust and open communication with others. By clearly communicating our limits, we enable the other person to understand us better and treat us with respect. Boundaries also promote a healthy balance between giving and receiving, ensuring that we do not compromise our own needs to meet the demands of others. Below, we will discuss a few essential steps to learning your boundaries and how to establish them.

“How do I know if I struggle with boundaries?”

Sometimes, people will wonder if they struggle with boundaries or not. Other times, an individual may not even be aware of what boundaries are until someone in their life crosses them. It can be easy to mistake boundaries for demands or “consequences” in navigating relationships. Put this way, boundaries are simply the limit you set within relationships of any kind in which you hold yourself and others accountable for how they treat you. You may struggle with boundaries if:

• You move on from distressing conflicts without any communication or resolution around it
• Others hurt your feelings repeatedly without accountability or communication about it
• You provide more of your time and resources than are feasible for your well-being, i.e.,
  • staying at work late to finish extra work assigned past your designated hours
  • offering to take on the tasks of your siblings or friends if they are busy but you are also overwhelmed
  • giving others money or belongings when you are also in need of those resources
• You share personal information when others ask, even though you are not comfortable doing so 

These are just a few of the many various ways a person can struggle with overextending themselves or struggling to emphasize their limits. If any of these examples felt relatable, the first step is to show yourself grace. Loose boundaries are incredibly common for individuals for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, individuals witness loose boundaries in their family of origin, which can be a deeply ingrained, “normal” way of experiencing relationships. Other times, individuals struggle with self-esteem, and one of the symptoms is loose or non-existent boundaries to gain approval from others. Also, loose boundaries can result from problematic or abusive relationships, which become a pattern in response to surviving that dynamic. Regardless of where it comes from, examining the following methods for understanding your boundaries and how you would like to maintain them is worthwhile.

The Art of Self-Reflection

Before setting boundaries, it is essential to examine your emotional self. Reflect and identify your emotional triggers, sensitivities, and non-negotiables in relationships. Ask yourself:

• What actions or behaviors make me uncomfortable or upset?
• Which aspects of my life require protection and preservation?
• What values do I hold dear and wish to uphold in all my interactions?

Understanding your boundaries will empower you to communicate them effectively to others.

Communicate Boundaries with Clarity and Confidence

Straightforward and assertive communication is the foundation of setting boundaries. Avoid being passive or vague in expressing your limits. Instead, use “I” statements to convey your feelings and needs, such as “I feel overwhelmed when…” or “I need some time to myself because…”

Being confident in your communication helps others understand the importance of your boundaries and encourages them to respect your wishes.

The Art of Saying “No”

One of the most challenging aspects of setting boundaries is learning to say “no” gracefully. Many of us fear disappointing or hurting others by refusing their requests, but saying “no” is not selfish; it is an act of self-preservation. Practice saying “no” and sitting in the feelings of discomfort that arise. Notice how they feel in your body and examine the role these feelings have in the situation. Remember, you are not obligated to provide a detailed explanation for your boundaries. A simple, polite decline is sufficient.

Establishing Boundaries Early and Consistently

It is easier to set boundaries from the beginning of any relationship. Doing so creates a solid foundation of mutual respect and understanding. However, there is always time to start. Be consistent in upholding your boundaries. People may test your limits, mainly if they are accustomed to overstepping them. Stay firm and unwavering in protecting your boundaries; eventually, others will learn to respect them, or you can limit their access to you.

Recognizing Red Flags and Addressing Issues

Pay attention to how others respond to your boundaries. If someone consistently disrespects or ignores your limits, it may be a red flag for an unhealthy relationship or warrant a conversation about differences in needs. In such cases, consider having a respectful conversation about your boundaries and the importance of respecting them. If the problematic behavior persists, reevaluating the relationship might be necessary for your well-being.

Prioritizing Self-Care and Personal Growth

Setting boundaries allows you to prioritize self-care without guilt. Take time for yourself, engage in activities that bring you joy, and invest in your personal growth. If you feel guilt when prioritizing your self-care, acknowledge this emotion and try to identify its purpose. Once you do this, try continuing to embrace self-care anyway. Eventually, as this process becomes less foreign, your guilt or selfishness may subside, and you can engage in self-care more regularly. As you grow and change, prepare for your boundaries to evolve as well possibly. Embrace this journey of self-exploration and empowerment, knowing that you have the right to protect your well-being and happiness.           

Conclusion

Setting boundaries with people can be transformative for you and your relationships. It can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships and a stronger sense of self. You create an environment of respect and understanding by understanding your values, communicating clearly, and staying consistent. Regardless of where you may be with the strength of your boundaries, a few suggestions can get you on the right track to developing a straightforward method of building your limits. Learn to say “no” as a complete sentence, be open to negotiation when appropriate, and recognize and address red flags in relationships. 

Remember, setting boundaries is not about building walls; it’s about creating bridges that allow for genuine connections and mutual growth. Prioritize self-care because only when you care for yourself can you be fully present and supportive in your relationships with others. With that said, embrace the art of setting boundaries as a dedication to self-love and empowerment. By doing so, you will pave the way for healthier, more balanced relationships that enrich your life and the lives of those around you.

The post Mastering the Art of Setting Strong Boundaries appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Individuals and couples are exploring different forms of relationships and intimacy. One of the most prevalent topics is ethical non-monogamy (ENM). While non-monogamous relationships have been around for centuries, it is only in recent times that we have seen a growing awareness and acceptance of non-monogamous relationships as a viable and principaled option for some.

Ethical non-monogamy is a topic that needs to be discussed openly and honestly. In this blog post, I will explore what ethical non-monogamy is, why some people choose it, and the challenges and benefits of this type of relationship.

What is Ethical Non-Monogamy?

Ethical non-monogamy is a term used to describe any type of consensual relationship arrangement where the partners agree to have romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people outside of the primary partnership while still engaging and maintaining their dyad. This can include open relationships, polyamory, swinging, and various other types of consensual non-monogamy.jdj

One of the most important aspects of ethical non-monogamy is that all partners must agree to the arrangement and consent to any new relationships or activities. This arrangement requires a high level of communication, trust, and transparency between partners, as well as a deep understanding of one’s own boundaries and needs.

Why Do People Choose Ethical Non-Monogamy?

There are many reasons why someone might choose to explore ethical non-monogamy. For some, it is a way to explore different aspects of their sexuality or romantic desires that they may not be able to express in a monogamous relationship. For others, it is a way to experience emotional and sexual connection with multiple partners while still maintaining a primary partnership.

Some people choose ethical non-monogamy because they have a deep belief in the idea that love and connection should not be restricted to just one person. For these individuals, monogamy can feel like a societal construct that limits their ability to fully explore their desires and connect with others on a deeper level.

Challenges of Ethical Non-Monogamy

While ethical non-monogamy can be a fulfilling and enriching experience for some, it is important to recognize that it comes with its own unique set of challenges. One of the biggest challenges is jealousy, which can arise when one partner feels insecure or threatened by the other’s relationships with new partners.

Jealousy is a normal human emotion, and it is not limited to non-monogamous relationships. However, in non-monogamous relationships, jealousy can be heightened due to the vulnerable nature of the other potential multiple romantic or sexual relationships. It is important for partners to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings of jealousy and to work together to find ways to address them. This communication should be done from a team mentality where both partners are making space for each other’s feelings and experiences. If you find yourself communicating with anger or contempt, your jealousy may be leading the conversation and a break to gather yourself may be necessary.

Another challenge of ethical non-monogamy is the potential for STIs and other health risks. It is important for partners to practice safe sex and to regularly get tested for STIs to protect themselves and their partners. An important conversation to have between the primary partners is one where they outline the boundaries and limitations of their relationship as well as the relationship with the other partners. For example, many primary partners decide they only want to be fluid partners with one another and agree to not pass fluids between outside partners.

Finally, ethical non-monogamy can be challenging due to societal norms and stigmas surrounding non-monogamous relationships. Many people still view non-monogamy as immoral or unethical, which can make it difficult for individuals to openly discuss their relationships or find support from others. This phenomenon may result in members of ENM relationships feeling isolated, lonely, and misunderstood.

Benefits of Ethical Non-Monogamy

Despite the challenges, there are many potential benefits to ethical non-monogamous relationships. For some, it can lead to a deeper level of emotional and sexual connection with their partners, as well as a greater sense of personal growth and self-awareness. Non-monogamy can also provide an opportunity for partners to explore different aspects of their sexuality and desires, which can be empowering and liberating.

In addition, non-monogamous relationships can provide a sense of community and support, as individuals who are exploring ethical non-monogamy can connect with others who share similar experiences and perspectives. This can provide a sense of validation and acceptance that can be difficult to find in a society that often stigmatizes non-monogamous relationships. Furthermore, a society that often stigmatizes sexuality, even if you fall within the heteronormative communities.

Additionally, ethical non-monogamy can be a way to challenge societal norms and expectations around relationships and intimacy. It can provide a space for individuals to explore alternative forms of intimacy and connection, and to challenge the idea that there is only one “right” way to love. This challenge of norms can be empowering to individuals. It can feel vulnerable, thereby increasing intimacy between partners out of the sheer social risk of the relationship.

What are bad reasons for getting involved in ethical non-monogamy?

ENM is not for everyone, and it is not a solution to every relationship issue. It requires a high level of communication, trust, and emotional intelligence, as well as a deep understanding of one’s own needs and boundaries. It is not a decision to be taken lightly, and it is important for individuals and couples to seek out the support and guidance of a qualified therapist if they are considering exploring ethical non-monogamy.

Common reasons couples choose to get into an ethical non-monogamous relationship are below. These are reasons that, without thorough exploration and decision-making, could get the couple in trouble and cause more heartache than connection.

1. Your partner won’t have sex with you as often as you’d like
2. You can’t get emotionally what you need from your partner
3. You are in a long-distance relationship
4. One partner fell in love with someone else but didn’t want to end the relationship
5. Low sexual satisfaction in the monogamous relationship

Too often, couples open their relationship up instead of having tough conversations where each partner feels heard and has the potential to make changes to get what they want. Not feeling sexually satisfied or not feeling emotionally connected to your partner are reasons to lean into the relationship, not open it up. These reasons have the potential to breed jealousy. They are also indicative of each partner not being willing to be vulnerable with one another. Together, these are symptoms of someone who is not in touch with themselves or their partner’s needs.

In conclusion, ethical non-monogamy is a complex and multifaceted topic that requires a nuanced and open-minded approach. While it is not for everyone, it can be a fulfilling and enriching experience for those who choose to explore it. As therapists, it is our responsibility to provide a safe and non-judgmental space for individuals and couples to explore their desires and needs and to support them in their journey toward greater intimacy, connection, and self-awareness.

If you are thinking about getting into an ethical non-monogamous relationship, please consult with a trained therapist first. The therapist can help guide conversations to explore in-depth the reasons for embarking on this type of relationship.

The post Ethical Non-Monogamy appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Are you ready to jump back into the dating world after achieving sobriety? It can be disconcerting, but it’s a journey worth taking for genuine connections and personal growth. Sober dating focuses on activities that don’t involve alcohol or drugs, where you can have authentic interactions. It’s important to be emotionally stable and aware of your boundaries.

Remember, it’s okay to feel nervous and take things slowly. If you’re not ready yet, prioritize your sobriety and well-being. Seeking support from a therapist can also help you navigate this new phase confidently. Ready to start? Reach out for guidance and enjoy the journey!

What is sober dating?

Sober dating is not limited to those in recovery, as plenty of people also choose not to drink. Sober dating is any date that takes alcohol or drugs away as the primary activity for getting to know someone. Sober dating is becoming increasingly popular as people want dating opportunities that allow for more authentic connections. As a result, more places offer non-alcoholic drink menus or some other form of entertainment, such as tabletop games or mini-golf. Other common sober dates include going to local parks, free or outdoor events in the city, good coffee and tea shops, museums, ice/roller skating, going hiking, doing craft classes, or taking a walk around an unexplored part of the city of Philadelphia or the New Jersey Shore.

Where do sober singles meet?

Sober singles are making their presence known in the online dating world. There are dating sites specifically for sober individuals, such as Loosid, Clean and Sober Love, Sober Dating, Sober and Single, and Sober Grid. Also, many popular dating apps now have a section that asks about your drinking habits, with search features that allow users to find other singles that don’t drink; examples include OKCupid, Hinge, HER, and Bumble. Other ways of meeting people include community organizations, volunteer work, and classes (e.g., art classes, workout classes, and cooking classes). The only place that is usually considered off-limits as a place to meet other singles is in sobriety meetings.

These websites offer some great suggestions if you are in the Philadelphia region:

• Philadelphia Magazine
• Visit Philly
• Narcity
• Cozymeal

Why is dating when newly sober difficult?

Dating itself can be tricky! Now, tack on first getting sober. Often, the suggestion for a first date is to go “get a drink,” which puts the sober person in a position to need to disclose their sobriety status without knowing the other person well enough to predict how they will respond. The sober person then feels a responsibility to plan out the first date to ensure it does not revolve around alcohol. It can feel like a burden having to try to come up with unique date ideas. This planning can feel like extra pressure in a situation that is already anxiety-inducing.

It is also difficult to cope with the natural anxiety (both general anxiety and social-based anxieties) that can come with dating and putting yourself out there without one’s previously relied-on coping skill of alcohol or drugs. Dating and sex start taking on a heavier weight when you no longer rely on alcohol or drugs to make you feel more confident or socially at ease. Dating and sex are both about intimacy and vulnerability, which are scary for many, especially newly sober people.

Dating, and by extension, sex, puts a person at risk of rejection, which can make anyone feel uncomfortable. But it is even scarier when you realize you’ve never had intimacy or emotional vulnerability without the aid of a substance easing the process. It means that you may be fully present when you are putting yourself out there with others instead of numb or socially lubricated.

Sadly, there is no easy answer for getting comfortable with dating and sex (or intimacy and vulnerability) when newly sober. Just as there was no “right” answer for learning how to celebrate, socialize or cope with negative feelings when newly sober. Each experience is a learning exercise, and you realize you have no option but to learn if you want to remain sober. Ideally, you aren’t going through this alone, and have support people you can talk to through each good and bad date (or sex) that you have, and that will laugh with you at all the awkward moments (because they will occur).

Why is having sex when newly sober difficult?

Different substances can have several different effects on one’s sexual functioning. Some can decrease experiences of arousal and desire, make it difficult to reach an orgasm, make it difficult to stay lubricated or erect, and in some cases, it can make sex painful. These sexual concerns, if caused by substance use, will usually dissipate weeks after getting sober as hormones and neurotransmitters return to standard levels.

It is also common for people to experience the same forms of sexual concerns when they get sober as well, though these usually are more psychological in nature. When you get sober and begin to engage in sexual activity (with yourself or others), you may find that you need to reacquaint yourself with your naked body as a sober person, which is normal and to be expected. You may also need to re-discover your comfort with performing/receiving acts you previously had comfort with. Think of this as an opportunity for a new sexual relationship with yourself and to explore who you are as a newly sober sexual person. Be patient. As with any relationship with yourself, it may take time to get to know who you are, and what you like and don’t like.

How to make returning to dating and sex in sobriety easier

Some things can be done to make reentering the dating game after getting sober easier:

1. Deciding how and when you want to tell your date you are sober.
   1. People will take cues on how to respond by how you choose to disclose your sobriety status. If you disclose it in a confident “no big deal” way, it is more likely the other person will respond in kind. Likewise, if you present it as an awkward thing, it will become an awkward thing.
2. Think ahead of time about what your boundaries are for self-disclosure.
   1. What are topics that feel emotionally safe and which do not? If you reflect on this, you’ll feel less thrown at the moment the topic comes up. Often, in addiction, we lose our boundaries, but boundaries are healthy and okay to set with others. Boundaries are not “being mean.” You have a right for others to earn your trust and for you to not share certain things with others until that trust is earned.
3. Take time for self-reflection.
   1. What is intimidating and scary about being vulnerable with others?
   2. How will you know if it is safe to be vulnerable?
   3. How can you emotionally protect yourself as you practice being vulnerable?
   4. What will happen if you are vulnerable with the wrong person?
   5. How will you cope with being vulnerable and getting hurt?
      1. Getting hurt is a natural part of life. Getting hurt while sober can feel daunting and unmanageable. The more you prepare for this as something that could happen, the better you will handle it.
4. Be prepared for awkwardness.
   1. Dating itself can be awkward and uncomfortable, be prepared for this, and try not to internalize it negatively as something about you. Instead, remind yourself of the romantic comedy movies you’ve seen where the actors bump heads or lose a shoe on their first date. Awkwardness is so typical that movie writers include it in their scripts!
5. Be willing to be patient.
   1. Making connections with others takes time. You’ll go on many first dates and additional dates, all learning experiences that will help you better understand what you want from a partner.
6. Learn what your red flags and deal-breakers are.
   1. Be okay with ending the date (even if the meal isn’t done or the movie isn’t over) or not going on a second date if the other person asks you for one. You have every right to have these boundaries and to hold them.
7. Be mindful of how your mental health will impact your dating experience and how your dating experience will impact your mental health.
   1. Most individuals who have had addiction will have mental health concerns (either what you were using the alcohol or drugs to cope with in the first place or that developed in response to experiences while in addiction).
   2. Know your triggers and window of tolerance.
   3. Know what you are comfortable disclosing to others.
   4. Know how your triggers can show up in your dating experiences and how to self-soothe and ground yourself.
8. Be mindful of your indicators of co-dependency.
   1. Codependent behaviors are common for those in addiction. If you are not mindful, codependent behaviors can be carried over to sober life.
   2. Know your signs indicating you are beginning to think or act codependently.
   3. Know what leads to your codependent behaviors so that you can work on this.
   4. Lastly, know the red flags of transferring your dependence from alcohol or drugs to a person, and be able to address it as soon as you recognize it. Codependent behavior, while typical, is not viewed as healthy in our society that values independence and autonomy.

Things that can be done to make sex easier for those reentering the world of sex with a partner.

1. Know that your boundaries with sex may have changed
   1. Alcohol or drugs allows our inhibitions to lower, allowing us to engage in behaviors that we would potentially not engage in when sober – either because it isn’t something you would want to do or because without the alcohol, you no longer feel comfortable doing it. That is okay and perfectly normal.
2. Just like boundaries in other areas of life change.
   1. Some things that were acceptable to you before won’t be now, and potential red flags may be easier to recognize now. Just because you accepted certain behaviors from others before does not mean you need to accept them now, and just because you engaged in certain behaviors before does not mean you need to know.
3. You can’t predict how you will feel until you’re in the experience. Keep an open mind but be mindful of your boundaries.
   1. If you don’t feel okay giving a kiss at the end of the date, DON’T. You are not required to give a first kiss on a first date.
   2. If you don’t want to go on a second date, YOU AREN’T REQUIRED TO. It’s also okay to change your mind. Nothing is ever set in stone, and a person that does not understand or accept your feelings of discomfort is not the person you want to be dating.
   3. Oftentimes, we know what we are okay with and what we aren’t. Still, we can have difficulty hearing or listening to ourselves, as that internal voice has been quieted so much over the years due to people-pleasing, internalized ideas of how things are supposed to be or how we are supposed to behave, not trusting our own judgment and/or feeling pressured. One of the beautiful things that can come from being sober is learning to know yourself better, allowing you to trust yourself more.
4. Keep in mind that sex and sober dating can awaken other memories or thoughts related to your substance abuse; this is normal and ultimately to be expected.
   1. Dating or sex can be a trigger, and it can be uncomfortable to have to recall our actions, or actions taken against us, from our time using. It is rare for a person not to have experienced some traumatic events during the course of their addiction, and it can be essential to get professional help in learning to heal from them. In general, though, it is vital we allow ourselves the time and space to process these memories when they occur, either by ourselves or with a safe person. We must confront our past to avoid repeating it.

Benefits of this shift in view on dating and sex

One of the more complicated things for newly sober individuals is learning to cope with the whole expanse of one’s emotions, often numbed by substance use. It is difficult to accept sometimes that negative feelings and experiences must occur as part of life. You will be rejected, and you will reject someone else; others will hurt you, and you will hurt others. This is unavoidable as part of human interaction. It is an important lesson to learn, though, that while these things happen and hurt, they don’t need to stop you. To get to the “good part,” where you are comfortable being emotionally and sexually intimate with someone, you have to be willing to go through the “bad part” of it not working out all the time.

The dating process, with all its ups and downs, allows you to reflect on the standards you are setting for yourself of who is worthy of your emotional and sexual time. This is an opportunity to actively think about what you want from a partner and allow yourself the time and space to wait for the person(s) who meet those standards. As your confidence in yourself in who you are now that you are sober grows, the less scary the idea of dating and sex will be, as you’ll recognize that you are worth it.

How to be an ally/date someone who doesn’t drink

For those who are open to dating someone who doesn’t drink, there are small things you can do to show your support. If you have an online dating profile, put it out there to be seen that you prefer dates to not focus on drinking. Come prepared for the discussion with ideas for other date options. Initiate the topic of not drinking (or that you are okay with not drinking) yourself so the sober person isn’t required to be the one to do so. Support the other person’s decision to not drink without questioning their reasoning. Further, do not judge or belittle the person’s past or their decisions. And overall, just be enthusiastic about the authentic dating experience you two will have together.

Concluding Thoughts

While dating may be a mixture of stress, fun, and new experiences, the critical thing to remember is that staying sober is ultimately the most important thing. It is okay to take a break if you feel overwhelmed by dating or realize you aren’t ready yet. And it is okay if you decide to focus on being in a relationship with yourself now. Ultimately, the only thing that matters is that you remain sober, healthy, and true to who you are.

If you are interested in getting back into the dating scene or starting a sexual relationship with someone but feel scared or overwhelmed, we are here to help. Work with a specially trained therapist in Philadelphia who can help you navigate this next phase of life for you. Contact us today 267-495-4951.

The post Dating in Sobriety: How to Get Started with Romance appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Understanding your attachment style can greatly improve your relationships. Whether you’re secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized in your attachments, knowing these patterns helps you connect better with others. Securely attached people often have stable relationships, while those with anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachments may struggle with trust and intimacy.

By figuring out your attachment style and your partner’s, you can communicate better and meet each other’s needs more effectively. Therapy, self-awareness, and choosing partners with secure attachments can lead to healthier, more satisfying relationships. 

Common Effects of Your Attachment Style

Hi there! Welcome back to part 2 of my series on the influence of attachment styles. If you’re reading this blog, chances are it is a continuation of the first part of my series, “What are attachment styles?” The former article went into depth about the four attachment types and how they can develop. I’ve provided a brief overview of those attachment styles below:

Secure attachment: These individuals’ parents provided constant or near-constant fulfillment of their needs as infants and children. As a result, adults with secure attachments yield high self-esteem and confidence in themselves. Securely attached individuals trust easily and seek connection with others while being comfortable with their independence. Securely attached individuals can adjust easily and cope well with life’s adjustments or changes within a relationship. 

Anxious attachment: Anxiously attached individuals develop the attachment from inconsistent fulfillment of needs from their caregiver as a child. Insecure attachment can be due to various reasons: parents with demanding careers, single or unsupported parents with multiple children to tend after, emotionally unavailable parents, or another trauma to the attachment. As a result, the inconsistency may yield adults who struggle to trust others’ ability to meet their needs and experience low self-esteem and confidence. Additionally, anxious attachment can cause individuals to fear abandonment from those they love due to a deep-rooted concern that love and care is unpredictable. This fear often drives anxiously attached individuals’ behaviors where they need constant reassurance from their partner or do somewhat impulsive things within the relationship, later regretting these behaviors. 

Avoidant attachment: An avoidant attachment stems from consistent dismissal or inability to meet a child’s needs. Over time, the child learns to rely on themselves physically or emotionally for survival. A loss of a caregiver without adequate support, or caregivers who become easily overwhelmed by the child’s needs and check out emotionally, may lead to an avoidant attachment. As adults, these children grow up to be uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability. Avoidant individuals struggle to trust others with their intimacy or emotions and may feel suffocated when others try to connect past a superficial relationship. Their issues with depending on others and getting close often yield disconnection and seeking distance in times of stress, which can create distance between them and their partner(s). 

Disorganized attachment: Individuals with disorganized attachment develop from experiencing abuse or neglect from a caregiver. This abuse and neglect can be direct from parent to child or witnessed by the child of the caregiver abusing another individual. The contradiction between abuse and love from a caregiver creates fear of love and connection in the child. As an adult, disorganized attachment lends to difficulty accepting love and connection. Individuals desire intimacy but fear it simultaneously and waver between clinginess and avoidance. These behaviors often confuse the disorganized attached person and their partner, reporting exhaustion from figuring out their needs. 

Relationships 

Now that we’ve introduced the different types of attachment styles, it’s time to discuss how our attachment styles impact us in the long term. In the previous article, I discussed our internal working model. An internal working model is the mental representation of relationships we take into adulthood. You may have heard it referred to as your worldview. It affects how we approach connection with others and is highly influenced by our attachment style. Depending on your attachment style, you will perceive and approach relationships differently.

Anxiously Attached in Love:

Anxiously attached individuals have created an internal working model that the relationship is a central part of their life and identity. When they fear losing the connection, they also fear losing much more significant things- their identity, a primary source of love, validation, and comfort. Sometimes, an anxiously attached person can lose a part of themselves. This loss can happen due to enmeshment. As they become entangled in the relationship, they struggle to differentiate between what is theirs and what is the other person’s. People with anxious attachments rely on others to meet their needs and may be unsure how to meet them for themselves. 

An example of how anxious attachment plays out in relationships can be when one partner becomes heavily dependent on the other for sources of validation. The anxiously attached partners fill with self-doubt quickly in many areas of their life as they receive reassurance and validation in an unpredictable way growing up. Thus, creating a worldview that love is inconsistent. To make sure their partner still loves them regardless, they may ask time and time again for that reassurance.  

Most of the time, reassuring your partner that they meet your needs feels good. Other times, or depending on the other partner’s attachment style, the frequent or constant need to provide validation and reassurance can be tiring. It is not to say that the other partner doesn’t believe what they tell the anxious partner. However, each individual has their well-being to care for on top of caring for one another. Relationships are often not 50-50% for effort and caring, but if the effort and care stay at 80%-20% for too long, the relationship may see effects from that imbalance. 

Avoidantly Attached in Love:

Avoidantly attached people have created quite a different worldview of relationships. While all humans need connection, a relationship may feel like a “high-risk, high-reward” situation. Avoidantly attached individuals have created a worldview where a connection isn’t a priority; they’ve worked their whole life trying to convince themselves that they don’t need love because they didn’t receive it growing up. In other words, opening themselves up for connection feels incredibly risky but ultimately gets them closer to the desired relationship one craves. Opening up to emotional intimacy can be a learning experience for someone avoidant. They have learned not to expect their needs to be met and have little experience giving others that same intimacy. The idea of a committed relationship can feel like making a $10 deposit into someone’s bank when you only have $10 to begin with-” What if they let me down again, and I lose all my savings?”

An avoidantly attached partner may thrive in the earlier stages of a relationship, where partners spend time doing fun activities and getting to know each other. However, when one partner begins to seek deeper emotional connection as the relationship grows, the opportunity to connect deeper may be seen as a threat; this threat is the avoidant partner’s fear that their partner will reject their needs or ignore them just as they were in childhood. Once intimacy deepens, and it’s time for the vulnerability to strengthen the bond, avoidantly attached partners may withdraw emotionally or physically as a coping mechanism.

Disorganized Attachment in Love:

Similar to avoidant attachment, relationships can feel incredibly overwhelming for individuals with disorganized attachment. These individuals have learned that sources of love are also sources of other traumatic, negative feelings. As a result, they reject the connection to protect themselves from trauma while desperately desiring it simultaneously. The theme of confusion continues with this form of attachment even into adulthood.

An example of disorganized attachment in a relationship can be challenging to describe as disorganized people struggle to get to the point of a long-term relationship with another person. A reason for this is the disorganized partner is unable to connect out of fear of unpredictability in their partner. Partners with disorganized attachment have a template of love that suggests people who love you will also be the ones to hurt you, emotionally or physically. Disorganized partners may need help to trust the non-disorganized partner or may even become overly paranoid towards their partner because of this template. 

We’ve established that disorganized attachments more often stem from various forms of childhood abuse or neglect from someone understood to be loving. One with a disorganized attachment may pursue a partner with affection out of a desire for connection. However, once the relationship moves forward, disorganized partners push the partner away to ensure their perceived survival. Partners who have disorganized attachment can be unpredictable because they never had a predictable, consistent model for how to connect with others.

Securely Attached in Love:

Those with secure attachments have learned that intimacy and relationships provide the connection that all humans need. Therefore, they don’t shy away from deep emotional connections and likely recognize healthy relationship patterns as standard. Securely attached individuals freely pursue their independence, confident their partner will be there for them. Their internal working model, or “representation of attachment,” has shown them they can explore and be themselves while still expecting their needs for love and connection to be met by those to whom they are attached. 

Individuals with a secure attachment have confidence in their ability to be a loving partner and be loved by their partners. An example of a securely attached partner seeks quality time and intimacy from their partner but understands when it’s not always possible to receive it. If a partner cannot meet for a date, the secure partner is less likely to internalize this as a reason for their flaws. Securely attached partners will seek other forms of support and connection until their partner is free to spend time together. During conflict, the secure partner can recognize fights as a regular part of relationships and is less likely to fear breaking up or getting overwhelmed by them as often as other attachments. Secure individuals still perceive their partner as a source of love rather than fear or neglect. 

Do You Marry Your Parent?

Our attachment styles can also impact the patterns we gravitate towards in relationships. Depending on if you’re securely or insecurely attached, you may tolerate different levels of dysfunction in your relationship. Have you ever heard the expression, “You either marry your mother or your father?” This saying is often true! Sort of… When people hear this expression, they may squirm at the idea of seeking someone who is parental in their eyes. However, that’s not what this expression is getting at. What it means is that people gravitate toward familiar patterns. Familiarity breeds comfort, and it’s most often found in familial relationships since that is typically the longest relationship we have up to that point. Depending on your family’s patterns, seeking familiarity can be good or bad.

Let’s look at Jessica, a 15-year-old girl who grew up with an emotionally reactive father who was often “hot and cold.” Sometimes he would greet Jessica with open arms, but sometimes lash out when he came home from work. (Can you guess what kind of attachment he has?) To keep the peace, Jessica and her mother ensured the house was pristine; Jessica did all her chores, dinner, and homework before he arrived. However, when Jessica’s father came home, he struggled to compartmentalize work from family. He took his frustrations of the day out on Jessica and her siblings by yelling and nitpicking the chores. As a result of her dynamic with her dad, Jessica developed a ‘people pleasing,’ anxious attachment. She hurried around the house, accommodating her dad and staying silent in an attempt to receive approval and reduce his reactivity.

 Flash forward ten years, and Jessica is home early from work, gathering the house and making dinner for her and her partner, Mark, to enjoy together. Mark comes home from work visibly frustrated and points out the burnt fries and messy kitchen. Mark continues by yelling throughout the house and slamming doors. Familiar with this behavior, Jessica knows just what to do. She falls silent and begins scurrying around the house, looking for ways to accommodate Mark’s anger, fearing that his anger means he is dissatisfied with the relationship and her. Jessica knows this role. She does it well. Instead of communicating about what she’s noticing, she makes herself small, and people please her way into Mark’s acceptance. 

Jessica’s story is just one example of how people may be attracted to partners who embody the traits of their parents, even if it’s not ideal. Oddly, knowing what to do in this situation is comforting for Jessica, so she is drawn to a partner who displays familiar behaviors that she already knows how to handle. Although Jessica may explicitly say she does not want a relationship like her parents, implicitly, there is something about repeating this pattern and the familiarity of it that brings her solace. Additionally, Jessica’s tolerance for Mark’s anger is much higher than someone who did not grow up with a father who also displayed those behaviors. Over time, her father’s anger became normal. Given her anxious attachment and her familiarity with anger, she may read someone who doesn’t get angry all the time as someone who does not care about her or that isn’t interested in her. 

It’s also possible to seek partners who embody the positive traits of our parents. This section’s principle highlights the tendency to gravitate toward what we know. With awareness and intent, we can shift our behaviors and expectations in a healthy way that leaves us fulfilled and satisfied. However, it may require some work if we come from patterns that are further from perfect.

How can I overcome an insecure attachment style in my relationship? 

Awareness of patterns

While working towards a secure attachment is ideal, these connection patterns are deep within you and potentially intergenerational. Understandably so, it may be challenging to break habits immediately. In the meantime, creating awareness around your patterns will allow you to acknowledge what you may need at the moment. For example, each attachment style will have different methods of regulating when triggered by feelings of suffocation, abandonment, or fear. An individual may pick up on what about the environment led to this by examining conflict patterns or moments right before a trigger. While there may not be a solution to the situation immediately, this knowledge can provide insight into how to approach triggering situations. 

Open communication

Communication can be helpful when navigating different attachment styles in a relationship. For example, a typical relationship duo is avoidant attachment and anxious attachment. As we’ve learned, an avoidantly attached partner can quickly feel suffocated by intimacy. On the contrary, the anxiously attached partner may take this personally or struggle with concern over disconnect. 

A conversation around boundaries may allow each partner to limit how much vulnerability or intimacy they can handle. For example, avoidantly attached partners may need to schedule periods of alone time to decompress from intimacy. During this time, an anxiously attached partner may find comfort in planning for those periods to fill their time. On the other hand, anxiously attached individuals may benefit from a phone call or check-ins throughout the day to let them know their partner is still connected. In this scenario, the avoidant partner can reassure their anxious partner without pushing their limits with vulnerability. 

Awareness of self/partners’ needs 

In connection with communication, it’s essential to understand your partners’ needs and your own. In doing so, each partner can work to consistently meet the needs of the other in an attempt to create a secure attachment. After all, the consistency of the caregiver is what influenced these patterns, to begin with, so utilizing that consistency in how you care for your partner in adulthood will be impactful. That said, it’s important to be able to meet your partner where they are. Similarly to love languages, each attachment style comes with different needs. If you can learn the needs of your partners’ attachment style, they receive love and connection in a way they can appreciate. 

On the other hand, an ideal path to creating secure attachment is learning to meet your own needs as well. Not to be confused with hyper-independence, growing comfortable with being self-reliable and showing up for yourself is also crucial, especially when your partner isn’t available. Showing up for yourself looks like planning to spend alone doing activities you love, checking in with your emotions, and responding with what you think you need to self-soothe, whether it’s a good cry or time in nature. 

Seeking a partner with a secure attachment to model after 

If an individual is not already in a relationship, one way to work towards secure attachment is to look for traits of a secure attachment in others while dating or socializing. Seeking these traits is an intentional way to find a partner but it can pay off in the long run. A securely attached person likely embodies the qualities we’ve mentioned in part one and may help you feel more secure in your attachment by their consistent ability to meet your needs. In addition, secure partners can serve as a model for you to develop healthier patterns of attachment while allowing space to work through dysfunction from past patterns without the fear of losing them. 

Therapy

Therapy is an excellent resource for individuals and couples looking to work through dysfunction and heal inner wounds. Couples and individual therapists can work with you to gain insight into where these patterns developed and how they emerged in adulthood. Couples therapy can prove helpful in gaining awareness of how the dynamic in your relationship may bring out specific patterns. At the same time, individual therapists can help to process what comes up for you individually. The therapist can also help to move you beyond just awareness to shifting some of your interactions and breaking out of specific patterns that don’t serve you. 

As we conclude the second part of this series, let us acknowledge the massive role our attachment styles have in building and maintaining relationships. Depending on whether you are secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, you may experience your relationships drastically differently. And require various methods of connection and communication. One of the most essential takeaways from this article is understanding your patterns and your partner’s needs. With the help of therapy, communication, and self-awareness, building a more secure attachment that leads to more fulfilling relationships is possible. 

Brianna Intili, MA, NCC, is a Professional Counselor and Director of Professional Development specializing in mindfulness-based approaches to help clients find peace in adversity. Focused on empathetic, judgment-free counseling, she empowers individuals to overcome challenges like mood disorders, low self-esteem, and life transitions. With a BS in Psychology from James Madison University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marymount University, Brianna combines cognitive techniques and a holistic view for a fulfilling life.

Learn more about Brianna Intili ⇒

The post Attachment Styles Part 2: The Impact on Relationships appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Cisgender female masturbation is a powerful tool for enhancing your sexual and emotional well-being. Despite societal stigmas, it’s important to understand the numerous benefits it offers, from hormone regulation and improved circulation to mental calmness and boosted self-esteem. Embracing self-pleasure can empower you, helping you overcome unnecessary shame and guilt.

Exploring your body and discovering what feels good is a journey of self-love and self-care. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to masturbate—it’s about what feels best for you. Celebrate your sexuality, break free from outdated stigmas, and take a step towards a healthier, happier you.

Why is Cisgender Female Masturbation So Controversial? 

Given the narratives discussed above about cisgender male masturbation as “typical,” a phenomenon that occurs where many people know and accept cisgender male masturbation. Conversely, when considering cisgender female masturbation is considered illicit and inappropriate. Female sexuality has been suppressed for ages, mainly stemming from a trend that views women’s bodies for procreation, with little attention given to their bodies for pleasure.

One sexuality script that stems from gendered sexuality is the attribution of initiation and pleasure-seeking to men, whilst women are thought to have passive or gate-keeping roles for sexual behavior. Though we have made great strides, there is still dominant rhetoric that we expect men to be sexual beings whilst others are being devious for practicing the same sexual habits. A study of adolescent girls even indicated that a considerable number of girls hold negative views of both masturbation itself and of other girls who engage in masturbation. Another study of college students had the majority of the women in the study report still struggling with the contradiction between societal stigma and physical pleasure, whilst the men in this study rarely indicated this same sentiment. And both male and female participants in this study cited differential sexual scripts as the main contributor to the double standard viewing male-bodied masturbation as typical and cisgender female masturbation as sexually devious.  

Masturbation leading to harmful sexual adjustment has no basis, and plenty of women practice self-stimulation. The famous Alfred Kinsey studies on human sexuality showed that over half of the women who participated in the study masturbated to orgasm at least once, and that was over seventy years ago. A more recent study indicated that approximately 89% of women have masturbated at least once in their lives, with 27% of women reporting that they regularly masturbate two to three times a week. Normalization, education, and open discussions can help reduce and even eliminate this negative stigma once and for all, with more empowered people normalizing self-love, regardless of their genitals or gender identity. Though there are many benefits of cisgender female masturbation, it is important to remember that there is a lot of shame culture surrounding masturbation, specifically cisgender female masturbation, both from external sources and internally within the Self. There is nothing wrong with feeling shame toward masturbation, but there are ways to help lessen this feeling. Much of this shame is externally driven, often influenced by common misconceptions surrounding masturbation.

Isn’t Masturbation Bad for Me?

Below we will discuss common concerns people hold about masturbation.

Masturbation will hurt my genitals.

Sexual engagement is a natural function of the human body, so the body parts used to do so are sturdy. You may encounter discomfort because of overuse and/or vigorous rubbing, but that is easily fixed with lubricants. There are some cases in which masturbation may cause pain. For example, for those with micro-perforated hymens, penetrative masturbation is virtually impossible without undergoing a hymenectomy. Many other genital diagnoses fall under Genio-Pelvic/Penetrative Pain Disorder (GPPPD) that are beyond the scope of this article, but I encourage you to look into it if you think you might have this disorder. If you do encounter physical discomfort or pain during masturbation, or any sexual activity for that matter, consider contacting a medical professional if the issue persists or increases in severity. We recommend going to a pelvic floor specialist (Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist or an OB/GYN who is specially trained in the pelvic floor).

Masturbation leads to mental health issues.

There are certainly specific instances in which engaging in masturbation can lead to mental or emotional distress, and these cannot be made light of. Many individuals are asexual, experiencing little to no sexual attraction or desire. Even if you may not label yourself as asexual, it is perfectly fine not to desire to masturbate. Therefore, participating in masturbation when a person has no desire to, may cause distress. Those who are survivors of sexual assaults may experience unwanted triggers during sexual stimulation, even when it is self-induced. People raised in particularly religious households may hold great senses of guilt regarding masturbation, causing the practice to be stressful for them. These are just a few of the vast myriad of reasons why masturbation could lead to mental stress. However, these are extenuating circumstances. The practice of masturbation alone does not increase distress among individuals. It is important to be in touch with yourself and the way you feel regarding masturbation, or any sexual practice for that matter, but do not let this belief stop you from exploring your sexuality.

Masturbation will tire me out sexually.

You might not feel as much of a need to have sex after masturbation, but there is no maximum level of sex drive one person can experience in their lifetime. You will not necessarily experience sexual burnout due to masturbation. According to the Kinsey Institute, cisgender female orgasms tend to be longer in duration than those of cisgender men, and cisgender female people may experience multiple orgasms in a row within a short time, something that is fairly rare amongst male-bodied individuals. Though masturbation can lead to issues with sexual performance with partners, this is more common amongst individuals who experience some level of porn-addictions or masturbation techniques that are not conducive to reaching their partnered sexual goals. Typically speaking, you will not experience lowered sex drive or burnout from masturbating.

If I’m in a relationship, masturbation is cheating.

You may have a partner who does view masturbation as cheating since it is a sexual act not involving them. If you choose to respect your partner’s comfort level, that is well within your rights. However, every human being has a right to self-love, and masturbation usually helps with improving one’s sex life. So if your partner is uncomfortable with you masturbating, but it is still something you’d like to do, the key is honesty and communication with your partner. Make sure you both discuss and set boundaries relating not only to masturbation but to sexual relations in general. In many cases, masturbation can bring you closer to your partner, acting as an outlet if they are not as sexually driven as you and being a safe space for you to explore your sexual fantasies before trying them out with a partner. 

Are There Any Health Benefits of Cisgender Female Masturbation?

There are many physical and emotional benefits of cisgender female masturbation when done intentionally and healthily. See below for details.

Benefits of Cisgender Female Masturbation to Orgasm

Regulation of hormones

The hormones released during orgasm (oxytocin and nitric oxide) are important players in your body’s hormone regulation, preserving regular ovulation cycles and repairing adrenal fatigue. Plus, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, prolactin (a hormone released by the anterior pituitary gland that stimulates breast development and milk production) increases immediately following orgasms. 

Improving circulation

As the body becomes aroused and as it stays in an arousal state during masturbation, there is increased blood flow. Genitals become engorged with blood. Women experience a “flush” in their cheeks. Through its stimulation of muscular contractions and the accompanying increase in blood flow, orgasms regulate the functionality of the genital tract as well.

Meaningful aids for calmness

Becoming aroused and staying in an arousal state has many calming effects on the body. When you are aroused, your heart rate tends to increase and endorphins, adrenaline, and dopamine all get released. Your eyes tend to dilate and you have increased blood flow. Some people experience a release of oxytocin before orgasm but certainly during and after. All of these neurochemicals are helpful in getting you into a relaxed state. For some people, being aroused also has a meditative like effect on them where they are hyper focused and “in the zone” so to speak. This focus allows them to let go of the outside world and can be considered a mindfulness practice. 

Immunity support and stimulating both the reproductive and lymphatic systems

During arousal, pain tolerance increases, this is especially true for women. For women who are not on birth control, there is a potential for testosterone levels to increase during arousal. Testosterone has been shown to help with bone mass, mood, and cognitive functioning as they relate to staying healthy. Additionally, arousal and achieving orgasms regularly can escalate your body’s infection defense cells by up to 20% in the lymphatic system. Orgasms activate your hypothalamus gland. This gland is crucial in keeping your reproductive and lymphatic systems healthy, regulating digestion, and detoxifying.

Benefits of Cisgender Female Masturbation without Orgasm

Boosts in Estrogen and Dopamine

Increased estrogen production from masturbation preserves your bones, heart, and vaginal tissue. And, since masturbation is an activity for pleasure, dopamine levels, your body’s main satisfaction neurotransmitter, elevate. Arousal by itself increases dopamine levels. Additionally, orgasm releases more dopamine. 

Improve sexual functioning

Masturbating regularly relieves sexual tension, helps you find out what you enjoy regarding sexual touch in a safe, non-judgmental space, improves confidence in sexual prowess, and can make it easier to achieve orgasm when with a partner. When we create a safer space to be sexual with ourselves, it subsequently helps us create safer spaces to be sexual with others.

Boosting self-esteem

Masturbation allows people to learn their sexual responses and pleasure preferences while fostering a sense of autonomy and bodily integrity. This can be particularly helpful for women since it can improve self-esteem and sense of identity. By focusing on building your self-esteem, it may be possible to shake some feelings of shame. Working through shame can be a long and emotionally arduous process. By easing yourself into masturbation and being very aware of how it makes you feel before, during, and after, you can begin adjusting and reframing your mindset. It won’t likely be an immediate payoff, but it could yield a lot of self-empowerment and reclamation of your sexuality down the road. Remember that masturbation is a different experience for everyone. Some people feel more satisfied from it than others, some people feel more shame from it than others, and no matter what your feelings toward masturbation are, your feelings are valid. Though pushing yourself out of your comfort zone can be helpful in many cases, it is important to stay in touch with your emotions and stay true to your boundaries.

How Can I Begin the Practice of Masturbation?

To properly reap the benefits of cisgender female masturbation, you must learn how to masturbate correctly. The good news is “proper” masturbation techniques are unique to each individual. If you’ve never masturbated before, don’t fret. You don’t need anything besides your fingers, but if you want to use a prop, you can! Try a singular session with yourself to test the waters. Find a safe, comfortable place where you feel at ease. Take a few minutes to calm down, so you feel relaxed. Spend 15-20 minutes exploring your body and seeing what feels good. If it feels particularly good, keep doing it. If your first time around goes well, or even not terribly, consider trying to masturbate for 15-20 minutes twice a week. If it feels like too few, maybe try three or four times a week. If it feels like too many, maybe try just once a week. You have ample time to explore what works for you. Take it at your own pace. 

How Can I Develop Healthy and Empowering Masturbation Habits?

Only masturbate when you WANT to. 

Do not feel like it’s something that you must do just to keep your sexual health stable. If it feels like an activity you engage in just to check a box, you may need to change your strategies and frequency. Or maybe masturbation is just not for you. Ultimately, masturbation should be something that is pleasurable to you and feels fulfilling. 

Be honest and in touch with your body.

If something feels emotionally or physically uncomfortable, that is your cue to stop. Remember, not all masturbation techniques will work well for you, and there’s nothing wrong with trying something and deciding it isn’t for you. You may want to explore what was uncomfortable for you. Was it an emotional discomfort? If so, what was coming up for you that felt uncomfortable? Where do you think that came from? How are you understanding it? Was it a physical discomfort? If so, what was uncomfortable? How would you describe the discomfort? Was it long-lasting or did it stop once you stopped masturbating? By exploring the discomfort, you may be able to overcome the discomfort. Exploration is a good tool for getting to know yourself. 

Make a habit of calming yourself before AND after.

Getting yourself in the right state of mind before you masturbate can be helpful to the outcome. If you come into your masturbation experience in a bad mental state, chances are you won’t get out of the experience what you want (pleasure, relaxation, etc.). Feeling relaxed before you start masturbating and allowing yourself to decompress immediately afterward will allow your body and mind to digest the experience. Aftercare is not just for sex with partners. Making sure you process and explore your experience is important. 

Use lubrication

Though some cisgender women can experience the self-lubrication of their vulva, this isn’t always enough. Using lubrication can diminish friction and save you from irritability. 

What Sorts of Techniques Can I Use to Increase my Satisfaction?

Know what it means to be satisfied for you

Everybody is different, and so is everybody’s definition of sexual satisfaction. Keep in mind that orgasm, while often enjoyable, should not necessarily be the end goal of masturbation. Just because you reach orgasm does not necessarily indicate that you were fully fulfilled, and if you didn’t orgasm doesn’t mean you didn’t enjoy yourself. Your satisfaction is defined by you and you alone. What do you find satisfying? What do you want present in your masturbation experience? What do you want absent from this experience? 

Try out different strategies

You may want to introduce sex toys, such as vibrators for clitoral stimulation or dildos for penetrative stimulation. Switch up your body positioning. Try longer sessions with slower buildup. As stated above, explore your body, and see what you like. To enhance satisfaction, exaggerate what you learned in your exploration. Different methods can cause entirely different feelings of pleasure. 

Pay attention to the following: pressure, placement, motion, and speed. That is, when you touch yourself are you hard or soft with your touch? Where on your body feels the most pleasurable? Does this place on your body move each time you masturbate or stay the same? Are you more clitoral or g-spot oriented? What type of motion do you use- circular, tapping, up and down? Are you quick with your touch, or do you like it more slow and sensual? Paying attention to these strategies will help you the next time you masturbate and describe what you like with a partner if you want. 

Masturbate to erotica

Watching pornography while masturbating is quite a common strategy. But if porn isn’t your thing, there are many other options. Try writing out your sexual fantasies and reading them or playing them in your mind while you masturbate or find erotic literature or audio so you can be stimulated aurally and still have two hands-free to stimulate physically.

Synchronize your masturbation schedule to your menstrual cycle

You can take advantage of your body’s natural shifts in hormones, such as estrogen and testosterone. These hormones are more present during your ovulation phase, so masturbating during this time can feel even better simply because of what’s going on in your body at that time.

Stimulate other areas of your body first

Create your foreplay by stimulating your secondary erogenous zones before going straight to your primary erogenous zones. Lightly run your hands over your inner thighs, upper chest, and abdomen to raise arousal before you start with direct stimulation.

Stimulate multiple areas at once

One of the advantages of having your hands free during masturbation is stimulating yourself in multiple places simultaneously. Your clitoris, the inside of your vaginal wall, your anus, and your nipples can be good sources of pleasure. Trying out the different combinations of where you touch yourself and how can be immensely rewarding.

Try it out with a partner

If you have a willing sexual partner, try involving them in your masturbation practices. Involving a partner can be as simple as telling them when you’re touching yourself or even trying mutual masturbation, where both of you are self-pleasuring in the same space while watching each other. Incorporating partner involvement is a fun way to empower your self-pleasure practice and grow closer to your partner in an intimate sense.

To debrief…

Though there is certainly a stigma surrounding cisgender female masturbation, the idea of this article is to help you shed shame if you have it about learning to please yourself. Sexologists recommend masturbation as a means for women to learn about their bodies and sexual preferences as it can improve their body image and familiarity with their genitalia. It is not just for cis men. Many times, sex therapists will use masturbation as a tool as a means to work through difficulties their clients may be experiencing either with their actual sexual experiences or with their perspectives on their sexuality.  Masturbation is for anyone and everyone able and willing to participate! There is no right or wrong way to masturbate or not masturbate. It is entirely up to you. The benefits of cisgender female masturbation are abundant, but it is your decision how (and whether or not) you would like to pursue them.

If you found this article helpful or if you are looking to gain clarity and explore your masturbation, call us to collaborate with therapists that specialize in sex and sexuality. 267-495-4951. 

Keeghan McLane, a Clinical Mental Health Counselor Intern, is dedicated to normalizing therapy and reducing mental health stigma. Based in Philadelphia, they focus on serving a diverse client base, with a special interest in the LGBTQIA+ community. Keeghan employs Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and values building a strong, trusting counselor-client relationship. They hold a bachelor’s degree in psychology from Temple University, graduating cum laude, and are currently pursuing a master’s in clinical mental health counseling at Villanova University. Keeghan’s future goals include becoming a Licensed Professional Counselor in Pennsylvania and a certified sex therapist, supported by their background in Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies.

Learn more about Keeghan McLane ⇒

The post Benefits of Cisgender Female Masturbation: Smash the Stigmas appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Couples fight. Put two people together and have them build a life together, and conflict is bound to come up. The reasons for fights that seem to drive people apart and might make them question why they are together are as myriad as the things that bind people together. In this article we will examine what healthy fighting in relationships is. You will learn to take a step away from pointless fights, understand what motivates these fights, how to talk about what is going on, and how to avoid the pointless parts of the fight in the future.

Not all fights look the same or are caused by the same kinds of things. For one couple, raised voices ring through the home. Another might seem calm from a distance but have anger burning beneath the surface. Fights start for a variety of reasons, maybe one member of the relationship feels they are forced to do more work than the other. Or maybe one partner hurts the other. Some people fight because they want to prove that their partner has done something wrong, and they demand an apology. Some fight to avoid giving that apology. With so much variety in fighting styles and motivations, an important step to resolving these fights is to understand them and the forms they take.

Once a fight has begun, many don’t ask why they are fighting in the first place. Those that do wonder “why” often can’t find an answer. This article won’t give that answer; it will, instead, help you examine the question. Think back on your fights; what form do they seem to take? Are you and your partner stuck in a loop? Are you stuck correcting one another rather than listening to one another? Are you bringing up the last fight and the fight before that, explaining everything they did wrong to you? Are you blaming them for what you feel, asking them why they didn’t stop you from getting upset? Think back on the fights you and your partner have gotten into that didn’t seem to go anywhere, do any of these sound familiar?

Types of Fights

1. Fights about fights
2. Misdirected emotions
3. Playing out a vicious cycle
4. Content-focused rather than process-focused
5. Triggering deeper trauma
6. Bickering

Fights About Fights

Some fights primarily consist of bringing up old fights. Fighting about the times you and your partner have fought can be a difficult cycle to break. When one fight never has a real conclusion or compromise, each member of the fight may likely have unresolved emotions at the end, which can become fuel for the next fight. When a fight ends because it runs out of steam rather than being resolved, the emotions that drove that fight to remain are just temporarily put out of sight. These hidden resentments have a way of coming back to the surface when a new source of stress is introduced to a relationship. 

Misdirected Emotions

Some fights start because you or your partner had a particularly difficult day, or past few days, or weeks. The stresses of work, family, and everything else can pile up and weigh you down. Feelings that get so big that you don’t know what to do with them or feelings that go unrecognized can find ways to make you notice them. For some, this build-up of stress can turn into frustration, anger, isolation, loss of patience, etc., that gets projected onto a loved one. The misdirection of emotions fight is often framed as if it is about some real problem, such as dirty dishes, car repair, or some other tangible issue that may be important but doesn’t address the emotions that exists based on a difficult day, week, or month one partner is experiencing. Instead of talking about how stressful the day was due to an employee not showing up for an important work task, one partner may pick a fight about the dishes in the sink. Thus, the partner picking the fight about the dishes misdirects their emotions from work stress to dishes. In a fight about surface-level issues (dishes, dinner, car repair, etc.), it is important to identify the source and proportion of the emotion involved in the fight. Were you upset before thinking about the thing that you began fighting about? Does this fight merit the amount of emotion you are putting into it?

Playing Out Vicious Cycle

There are often cycles or patterns in the ways we interact. There are times when the pattern becomes so obvious that a couple can feel like they have the same fight repeatedly, even if the topic is different, the process seems the same. . These vicious cycles can feel like they are impossible to break. Once they get started, both members of a couple will play out their roles as if they were pre-written, and this may happen over and over. One action will prompt a response, which will prompt its response, so on and so on. Each partner takes their place and acts out their role as if it’s rehearsed. Essentially, the roles are rehearsed, most likely starting prior to your current relationship. We take on certain roles (caretaker, aggressor, withdrawer, meek, etc.) in childhood and are hard-pressed to step out of these rehearsed roles in the heat of the moment, like the start of a fight. If this is the fight you and your partner seem to get in, the first step to breaking this cycle is noticing it is there. These cycles can look like partners trying to hurt one another, two people over-explaining their own point of view with little regard for the other person’s perspective, or even shutting down the entire conversation, which ignites a chaser/distancer dynamic. Realize this is the type of fight you and your partner get into, and then notice the cycle while it is happening. Learn when you and your partner are falling back into this pattern and stop it in its tracks. It may be helpful to draw on the steps to the cycle and then, while in a calm state, identify a different action you can take at each phase of the cycle. 

An example of this is below, where the inner circle is the original cycle, and the outer circle is different actions you can take to elicit a different experience and not ignite old, unhealthy interactional patterns. 

Content-focused rather than process-focused

What it means for a fight to be content focused is that there is a lot of time spent trying to describe details that are less important and may change from fight to fight. Content focus is a trait of fighting that can apply to many kinds of fights. If, during a fight, you or your partner is looking through old texts to find something or picking apart the wording of what the other one said, that is referred to as content-focused. Focusing on the content to prove a particular fact or arguing about what someone said or didn’t say can become tedious, and a game of “he said/she said.” Ultimately, getting stuck in content can slow down a discussion or distract from what’s truly going on. The problem with focusing on content is that it gets in the way of deeper understanding and processing of the dynamics present during the fight. When one or both members of a couple spend a fight proving a point without truly hearing the other, there is no room for either of them to understand what the other person is experiencing. Without that understanding, the fight will have a difficult time coming to a resolution.

Focusing on the process in the here and now can lend itself to each member of the relationship feeling seen and heard. To do so, each partner has to shift what they focus on in their discussion. Examples of content-focused fighting vs. process-focused fighting are below: 

Content-Focused

P1: “You said you would clean the dishes after we ate dinner. You were sitting right there on the couch while I was cooking.”

P2: No, I never said I’d do the dishes; I said there were going to be a lot of dishes. And I was sitting at the dining room table, not on the couch!”

P1: That’s not true! You said you’d do the dishes, and you were definitely on the couch, it was right after you turned off the 5 o’clock news. 

P2: I went upstairs to get my phone charger after I watched the news; I definitely did not volunteer to do the dishes!

P1: Why would you go upstairs to get a phone charger, there is one right here on the counter. You would notice that if you did the dishes. 

Process-Focused

P1: What I took from the conversation earlier is that you’d do the dishes. I’m feeling overwhelmed with chores and I don’t feel supported by you. 

P2: I’m hearing that you’re not feeling supported by me right now. 

P1: Yes! I’m just so overwhelmed. 

P2: Feeling overwhelmed can be so uncomfortable! Can you help me understand what would feel supportive right now? 

P1: Taking a chore off my plate, like the dishes, would feel really supportive and less overwhelming for me. 

P2: Ok, so to feel supported I should do a chore, specifically the dishes? 

P1: Yes. 

P2: Got it! I can totally do that for you. It sucks to feel overwhelmed. 

P1: Thank you for listening. I really feel heard. 

Triggering deeper trauma

There are times when a fight can be particularly difficult for one or even both members of a couple. When the thing being fought about or even the fight itself reminds you or your partner of a traumatic event that happened in the past. In this scenario, a secondary conflict may come up; where the feelings that began the fight are still present and still need to be expressed, but you or your partner are dealing with very strong feelings that make communication nearly impossible. This can create new problems where one person feels unable to talk about the things that are troubling them for fear of activating your partner’s trauma response. 

Bickering

Bickering is the type of fight where very little productive conversation occurs. A fight can crop up at any time and often ends with two people throwing their hands in the air, feeling frustrated and resigned. A bickering fight can involve two people trying overly hard to get their own point across on the usage of a word or complaining about an annoying habit. What makes bickering different from other types of fights is the ways in which very little is said while using a lot of words. These fights can cover up deeper feelings of frustration and discontentment, but the things being said have little or nothing to do with that.

Why We Fight

These types of fights often leave couples confused. You love each other, the last thing you want is to cause each other pain. In the heat of the moment, expressing your frustration, anxiety, or hurt came out all wrong. You could barely stop yourself. So, why did things get so out of hand? Why did you say what you said? Why did a simple conversation turn into a fight? These questions are ones you and your partner can work together to understand. 

Before you are able to answer the questions above, it is imperative that you ask yourself what you gain from “winning” a fight. Frequently, couples in conflict consist of each person desperately wanting to win. Each individual will do, say, or present any evidence necessary to win. Or rather to not lose. This instinctive reaction to try to avoid the pain of losing the fight is a powerful accelerant in keeping a fight going. The problem with that reaction is that keeping the fight going often brings more pain, in the long run, than stopping the fight and apologizing does.

Many couples find themselves continuing a fight because most people are listening to respond instead of listening to listen. When you feel a strong desire to be understood, you will expend much energy saying everything you believe you need to be understood. You will say it loudly, you will say it over and over again. While you do everything you can to get your point across, you may or may not notice that your partner is doing the same thing simultaneously. If you do notice this you might notice that your partner isn’t listening to your points at all. If you notice that, you might get even more upset and try to explain yourself even harder. When you do this your partner may suddenly realize that you haven’t listened to a single thing they said, and of course, they will have to then explain themselves harder and louder, just like you did. It can be difficult to put your feelings to the side. It may not feel fair to prioritize someone else’s feelings over yours. Your partner might feel the same way. What happens when neither of you is willing to put your feelings to the side to actually hear what the other is saying?

A fight between intimate partners rarely results in a clear winner and a clear loser. Even as I talk about the “winner” and “loser” of a fight between you and the person you love and have committed to, I hope you are beginning to see the problem. For one person to end a fight having won, its requisite opposite must also be true, the person you love has lost. So, I ask again. What have you won? What have you won that was worth your partners’ loss? 

Here are common reasons people lean into “winning a fight:”

1. You want bragging rights, the ability to say, “remember that time I was right, and you were wrong.” 
2. You want the right to be the victim, “remember when you hurt me.” 
3. You struggle to be wrong, which feels too vulnerable
4. You never learned how to “lose”
5. You struggle to own your role in things, often placing blame
6. You lack the insight into the deeper meaning of the fight, so you stay surface level
7. You are subconsciously sabotaging the relationship

Examine these issues. Consider who these issues are present with. Think about how it feels when they use their victories against you. Do this and ask, do I want this? Take a step back from this fight and remember that person you’re trying so hard to beat is the person you love.

Making Fights Healthy

On the surface, an intimate partnership may seem like it is made up of two people, but there are really three:  you, the person you love, and the relationship as a whole. At the end of a fight, if you or your partner wins, then the relationship loses. Now, that doesn’t mean it ends, it just means that it has been hurt. The first step to healing this hurt is to avoid situations where it may get hurt again. If you honor the relationship first and the individuals second, everyone will “win.” If the relationship stays healthy, each individual can relish its riches. Trust, integrity, honesty, connection, etc. can all be a part of the relationship that the individuals get to enjoy. 

What does putting the relationship first look like in practice? It means asking yourself, “how will me saying this serve the relationship?” If you pick a fight with your partner, will the fight breed connection or resentment? If you choose independent time over togetherness, is that serving the relationship? Both of these scenarios could go either way. In the former, if you discuss a hard topic that is necessary to discuss to build the relationship, it may cause a fight at first. However, if you can get to a resolution, it will curate the connection. In the latter scenario, if you need alone time to recenter yourself, so you don’t pick fights or say something hurtful, you are serving the relationship, too. 

 Give up on winning. I know what that means; not winning runs the risk of vulnerability. But if your relationship is stuffed full of pointless arguments and painful fights, you are already not winning. For as long as you and your partner are committed to each other and to the relationship, the only way to truly win is to choose vulnerability and lean into the other person’s experience. It is imperative that you see the best in your partner and remember they are on your team. Give them the benefit of the doubt when they do or say something off-putting. Get curious with them instead of angry or shut down. 

You and your partner are choosing every day to stay together. You love each other, and you have learned to fight and make up because of the strong bonds that have formed between you. These bonds are more than just habit or doing what you’ve always done because change is scary. People building a life together is a powerful thing. We need the ones we love in our life and they need us. It can be scary to need others and a different kind of scary to be needed. For many of us, fighting is a way to avoid that kind of fear. With the help and with practice, any relationship with a foundation of love and a life that is being shared can overcome the fighting. If you find that you are having trouble on your own, a counselor might be able to help.

If you find yourself fighting with your partner a lot, keep these types of fights in mind. What can you do instead? If you still struggle to put the relationship first and fight productively after reading this article, give us a call. Our trained psychotherapists can help you navigate the ups and downs of your relationship. 267-495-4591. 

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It’s normal to have relationship anxiety, especially as you step into a new relationship. “Does she like me?” “Where is this going?” “I hope he feels the same way!” Most couples experience some relationship anxiety at some point. However, beyond normal anxiety within a relationship could be an anxiously attached partner or someone who has an anxious attachment style, which may present bigger obstacles in the relationship. Learning how to help a partner with an anxious attachment can initially seem difficult. Often, couples find ways to navigate this anxious attachment style and stay together.

At the core of an anxiously attached partner is a deep fear of abandonment or loneliness. To help an anxiously attached partner, offer regular reassurance, keep communication open, set clear boundaries, and support their independence while reinforcing your connection. Being patient and participating in these behaviors can help them feel secure in the relationship.

As you navigate a relationship with someone who is anxiously attached, it is important to speak openly about feelings. Both partners should work to hold space for the other without judgment or rejection, which allows more constructive conversations on the topic. 

What is an anxious attachment style?

A very basic description of anxious attachment style is a person who has a lot of worries about their relationship. Due to not feeling secure within the relationship, they seek a lot of validation and attention from their partner. They are usually very sensitive to small things their partners do or say and question their partner’s commitment and their own worth.

These insecurities often stem from their past experiences with parents or other important relationships that might have been inconsistent. Anxiously attached partners are often very thoughtful and caring in the relationship, sometimes overstepping their boundaries and exhausting themselves. 

Has your partner always had an anxious attachment style?

Psychologists continue to believe that a person’s attachment style originates from their connection with their earliest caregivers. To view children’s attachment styles, psychologists examine their reactions when they are separated from and reunited with their primary caretaker.

Children with anxious attachments would cry and cling to their caretaker when they would try to leave and not be able to console themselves. Upon their caretaker’s return, these children would then respond with animosity or apathy. Children with avoidant attachment styles would treat both scenarios with little to no emotional response. 

Finally, children with secure attachment styles would be visibly upset when their caretaker left but could console themselves. Securely attached children would also be filled with joy upon their caretaker’s return. 

Was I born with an anxious attachment style? 

Some research shows that attachment styles are correlated to innate characteristics. Researchers specifically looked at the Big Five Personality traits. For example, it is suggested that a child who experiences certain parenting styles and is higher on neuroticism or agreeableness may develop an anxious attachment style. 

Adults with anxious attachment styles might have experienced caretakers who were inconsistent in attending to their needs during childhood. Sometimes, their caretaker would respond well to their needs, and sometimes, they would ignore them. This unpredictability would create confusion and anxiety about which side of their caretaker they would experience, leading to an anxious understanding of relationships. 

Therefore, the short answer to the question, was I born with an anxious attachment style is yes and no. It’s the classic nature and nurture scenario where you may have been more susceptible to developing anxious attachment to your caretakers due to innate characteristics. 

What does it mean for me in adulthood if I’m anxiously attached?

How does this relate to later life experiences in relationships? Many therapists and psychologists believe that the attachments you received or didn’t receive when you were younger carry onto relationships later in life as a rubric for how you should relate to others or how others will relate to you. Thus, early experiences create your attachment style to others in adulthood.  

Anxious attachment styles may interfere with one’s ability to form healthy romantic relationships and affect other relationships, such as those with friends and family. People with an anxious attachment style are more likely to report experiencing many highs and lows in their relationships, such as being quick to fall in love, jealousy, or obsessive worry over their significant other.

They tend to seek long-term relationships more than most people and struggle to let relationships go even when they logically recognize the relationship is not good for them.

Anxiously attached individuals tend to have a higher tolerance for instability in their relationships and struggle to recognize a healthy one. In fact, they often feel bored when things are stable. 

Additionally, individuals with anxious or avoidant attachments may have higher levels of cortisol, a stress hormone. In high amounts, cortisol contributes to health issues such as high blood pressure, weight gain, extreme fatigue, depression, anxiety, and intestinal problems. 

Talk to one of our professional therapists to learn how to overcome your insecure attachment style and build a more secure attachment style in your relationships.

What does relationship anxiety feel like or look like?

One main characteristic of an anxious attachment style is relationship anxiety. Relationship anxiety is a type of anxiety that is targeted towards relationships, both romantic and platonic. You can experience relationship anxiety even if you do not have an anxious attachment style, though they are highly correlated. Relationship anxiety can cause the relationship to feel unfulfilling and can trigger a lot of pain and worry. 

As stated above, relationship anxiety can exist without having an anxious attachment style. The biggest difference between relationship anxiety stemming from anxious attachment is that the anxiety is much more intense or extreme than those who experience relationship anxiety not stemming from an anxious attachment style. This article will focus on relationship anxiety within the context of an anxious attachment style. 

Signs you have relationship anxiety stemming from an anxious attachment style

When we are in the throws of starting a relationship or in a long-term relationship, deciding to move onto the next phase of the relationship can make it difficult to stay objective when it comes to understanding our behaviors and attachment styles. It’s a good idea to check in now and then to see how you’re dealing with certain romantic situations. What is the cause of certain behaviors, thoughts, and emotions? Is it stemming from attachment wounds getting triggered, thus affirming your anxious attachment style? 

Here is a list of some of the main signs of relationship anxiety stemming from an anxious attachment style:

• You often worry about whether your partner likes/loves you 
  • Even if they have verbally told you they are into you, they like you, they love you 
  • Even if they are consistent with how they show up and they follow through on things within the relationship
• You worry about whether your partner means what they say
  • You tend to think there are underlying meanings to the things they say  
  • You struggle to take things at face value, often questioning everything
• You worry about whether your partner will break up with you
  • Even if there is no evidence that they will do so, or evidence to show that they are committed (e.g., they just proposed, or they are talking in the future)
• Small things your partner does (such as forgetting to text you back) make you excessively anxious about the relationship and your value
• You often get jealous easily when your partner spends time with other people
• You often feel like the future of your relationship is uncertain therefore it is difficult for you to commit to plans
• You try to spend as much time with your partner as possible
  • You would prefer if they did not leave you alone 
  • You become upset when they want to do something separate from you (hang out with their friends, do an activity you don’t like, etc.)
• You ask for frequent reassurance that they like/love you
• You lose sight of the positive things in the relationship and often focus on the bad and how that might impact the future of the relationship

How to talk to your partner about your relationship anxiety

If some of the above sound familiar, well done for being honest with yourself. Acknowledging to yourself that you have relationship anxiety is the first step in getting in front of it. Helping your partner to understand and recognize your anxiety is another way to help you overcome your relationship anxiety. Here are some essential ideas to consider:

• Have an open conversation with your partner about your internal experiences related to your relationship anxiety stemming from anxious attachment
  • Let them know your symptoms
  • Clue them into what happens for you in the moment you get triggered
  • Help them support you through it by being open with your needs
• Communicate your thoughts and needs to feel comforted 
  • Own your attachment style and work to accommodate it to create safety for yourself
  • Tell them if you want them to tell you they love you more often
  • Be direct: make sure they understand what you need instead of assuming they know 
  • Whether you want more quality time with them or words of affirmation, let them know 
  • Let your partner know what you need early on in the relationship so the relationship anxiety does not build-up 
• If your partner has an avoidant attachment style, they may have a hard time understanding your attachment style 
  • An avoidantly attached partner may feel overwhelmed or suffocated by your needs. Try not to personalize this and be understanding that they have their own attachment style and history with their caregivers
  • Discuss the hardships that may come with dating someone with a different attachment style than your own
  • Troubleshoot how to overcome each of these hardships
  • Honor where each of you has come from, recognizing your childhood experiences don’t have to be your adult self’s future
• Challenge yourself to shift out of anxious attachment and become more secure
  • When your partner is attuned to your needs, take a moment to let that permeate you. 
    • How does it feel in your body? 
    • Where does it make your thoughts go? 
    • Does it remind you of anything? 
    • What emotions are you feeling? 
  • Slow down and think about your attachment style and its symptoms before you respond anxiously to your partner. Is how you perceive something based on reality or based on your anxious attachment style?
  • What would your most secure self say, do, think, feel? Can you embody that and see where it takes you? 

How to be there for your partner if they have relationship anxiety

Of course, the roles may be reversed, and you may find yourself recognizing some typical relationship anxiety behaviors in your partner. Here are some helpful things you can do as a partner of someone with relationship anxiety:

• Listen to their needs and concerns 
• Tell them directly and often your positive thoughts and feelings toward them
  • Though an individual with relationship anxiety stemming from an anxious attachment style might be unsure whether you mean the words you say, they also need confirmation that you are there for them and truly like them 
• Be consistent with your attention towards them 
  • Since relationship anxiety typically originates from an inconsistent caregiver, it is important to give them the consistency to show them other types of relationships can exist in the world
• Be patient
• Follow these steps of engagement in this order: 

1. I hear that you’re felling xx OR I am hearing your discomfort with me doing xx 
2. Do you want me to validate and listen more to your experience or do you need me to help you problem solve the issue? 
3. Validate: It makes a lot of sense why you’re feeling xx if you’re seeing me do yy OR It sucks to feel that way, that’s a really tough spot to be in!

Problem solve: [Reassure, set a boundary, and then help solve] I love hanging out with you! I can’t cancel my plans with my friends, but I can come hang out with you afterward. OR I love you very much! I see things a little differently than you do. Are you open to hearing how I’m viewing this situation? It may help you feel better about things. 

1. Sit in the anxious partner’s response, and start the steps over again by making sure they feel heard/seen. 

Possible reasons for relationship anxiety stemming from being anxiously attached.

There are numerous reasons for what causes relationship anxiety. Psychologists and therapists alike genuinely believe that our attachment styles and the symptoms that come from them, such as relationship anxiety, were beneficial coping mechanisms in our childhoods. However, into adulthood, these coping mechanisms become somewhat maladaptive and hinder our adult relationships and our ability to connect to others.   

Some of the following may have a larger part to play in why relationship anxiety exists:

• Infidelity and relationship insecurity 
  • If your current partner has cheated on you or a past partner has cheated on you, it can reaffirm your negative self-image and low sense of Self you developed in childhood from your relationship with your caregivers
  • You won’t feel valued in your relationship, thus unsure of your role leading to anxiety
• Inability to be emotionally vulnerable 
  • It wasn’t safe growing up
  • Past relationships validated it still isn’t safe to be vulnerable
  • Due to an inability to trust yourself, low self-esteem or sense of Self
  • Due to an inability to trust the other person 
  • When we can’t be vulnerable with others, we create inner dialogue that may not be based in reality but instead in anxiety
• Negative view of relationships 
  • If your parents or caretakers had a really negative relationship, this can cause you to be more apprehensive in the relationship
  • Negative thinking and negative thoughts about intimate relationships or romantic partners
  • If you experienced controlling behaviors from your partner in past relationships
• Insecure attachment to parents 
• Low self-esteem or sense of Self
• Other mental health issues

Are you destined to have an anxious attachment style forever?

No! Though attachment styles may seem permanent, you can shift from an anxious attachment style to a more secure attachment. There are many ways you can overcome an anxious attachment style. You are already on your way to changing it simply by reading this blog post. One way is to acknowledge and work to understand your attachment style and the nuances that come with it. 

Another way is to Identify thoughts about the relationship that stems from your attachment style not the current relationship. This reflection will help you change your interactions that result from your attachment style, leading to relationship anxiety. Lastly, you want to be mindful that these narratives and understandings of the world took years to develop. Be patient with yourself as you unlearn or challenge unhelpful understandings and learn or practice ways of thinking, feeling, and acting that are more conducive to the life you want to lead. 

Are you better off without all the anxiety?

The short answer is no. Every relationship comes with its own set of challenges, but these can also be opportunities for growth and deeper connection. If you believe your partner has an anxious relationship style, know that your relationship can thrive with patience, understanding, and consistent effort. 

Ultimately, this level of work, vulnerability, patience, and understanding can lead to a deeper, longer-lasting relationship. It’s a journey that demands attention and care, but together, you can build a bond that is not only resilient but also profoundly rewarding. Stay hopeful and committed to each other, and you’ll find that even the most challenging dynamics can result in a stronger, more loving partnership.

Who can help you?

With the help of a clinician at The Better You Institute, you can learn to develop a secure attachment. Call today to make an appointment for yourself or talk with a couples therapist. Whether you want to come in for individual counseling or you would like to do couples counseling, a clinician on our team can help you face relationship anxiety. 

If talking to a therapist in person is not something you think you can do, we also offer online therapy and counseling for those in the Pennsylvania, Delaware, New Jersey, and Florida areas.

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If you find yourself constantly putting others’ needs before your own and struggling to say no, it’s time to make a change. People-pleasing can drain your energy and damage your relationships. By learning to set healthy boundaries and affirming your self-worth, you can create more balanced and fulfilling connections. Remember, you deserve to be happy and respected too.

Take the first step towards a healthier you by seeking support from a trained therapist who can guide you in overcoming these tendencies and embracing your true self. You are worth it!

What is people pleasing?

People pleasing is helping others at the expense of one’s well-being. Well-being is a person’s physical, mental, spiritual, emotional and social health. Additionally, people pleasers tend to be disingenuous to who they truly are. People pleasers often sacrifice their happiness, peace, wants, needs, and desires to give other people those things. 

Providing support and services to others is not inherently bad. Relationships require sacrifice. However, people pleasers tend to be excessive givers in relationships. A balance of over giving to others and under giving to yourself is not healthy. It is not only unhealthy for the people pleaser, but it can also be harmful to the people pleaser’s relationships and the people on the receiving end. 

• Eventually, the people pleaser will reach their limit and can grow resentful towards the people they worked hard to please. 
• The relationship is being set up on false pretenses that aren’t sustainable – the people pleaser eventually will stop pleasing
• The receiver may feel suffocated or confused with how to read the people pleaser. They may feel a disingenuousness and check-out or feel hurt.

Why do people do people please?        

Fear of rejection or abandonment issues– So many of us try to please others so we can be accepted or feel loved. People pleasers ask for less and accept less in relationships for these same reasons. Humans are social beings; we thrive when we are connected to other people and we are a part of a community. This need for connection is what makes rejection so painful. People pleasing behaviors are often adopted as protection from the pain of rejection. If a person has been abandoned or rejected before, the fear of reliving that painful experience can lead to people pleasing tendencies. 

Low self-esteem/self-worth– There are also some people who seek external validation and self-worth from others. People pleasing is expensive. It costs time, energy, resources, and sometimes even your health. People do it because it can feel pretty rewarding. People pleasers often receive praise for being selfless, generous, thoughtful, kind, reliable, dependable, and the list goes on. Praise says “you matter” and “you are valuable.” It is a confidence booster. Truth is, receiving praise and not receiving praise does not take away or add to a person’s worth.

People pleasers tend to connect their value as a person to their productivity or what they can do for others. It may be helpful for friends of people pleasers to remind them that they are worthy because of who they are and not what they do both through their words and their actions. Showing up for a people pleaser in a time of need is telling them they are worthy of your time. Telling them you appreciate them just because, not because they did something for you, is helpful to them to get out of people pleasing mode. 

Passivity– Assertiveness is a skill. While it comes naturally to some. For others, it must be taught and practiced regularly to become more natural. Assertiveness can feel uncomfortable to people who have been conditioned to put others needs before their own or taught to view self-advocacy in a negative light (mean, selfish, inconsiderate, etc). Truth is we all have limits and needs. Being honest about your limits and needs is an act of kindness towards Self and others. 

Not knowing self– Chronic people pleasers are usually more in tune with the needs, perspectives, and desires of others than their own desires. As a result, they are out of touch with their authentic self. People pleasing can be a symptom of anxiety, as this behavior can develop as a way to cope with anxious thoughts around one’s perception or being rejected. True freedom and peace can only be found when one is living authentically and being genuine with others. 

When is People Pleasing Good?

People pleasers are incredibly empathetic and kind people. These strengths are positive traits that can be both beneficial to people pleasers and others in relationship with them. People pleasers benefit by being liked and admired by others. Others benefit from receiving the care, support and kindness being given. People pleasing is healthy when the empathy and kindness is directed inwards first, and then outwards to others. This means the people pleaser is being kind to themself while serving the needs of others. When there is a balance between what is given, taken, and shared in a relationship, it flourishes and satisfaction increases for both parties. People with good boundaries show others that they value themselves. Healthy boundaries are not only inspiring to others but empowering for the one practicing it. 

When can People Pleasing be Harmful?

People pleasing is harmful when it is done at the expense of yourself or significant relationships. It can also be harmful to others when it enables problematic behavior. People learn and grow when they deal with the consequences of bad decisions. People pleasing without healthy boundaries can rob others of the opportunity to learn to meet their own needs and build important life skills like good decision making, time management, and accepting accountability. 

What will you notice about yourself when you are people pleasing?

Ultimately, the decision to sacrifice self and/or significant relationships often leaves people pleasers feeling miserable and unsatisfied because they have failed to meet their personal needs (due to poor boundaries around energy, resources, time, etc.) or the needs of those that matter most to them. When your people pleasing is out of hand, you will notice that you become irritated when people you want to please communicate yet another need they would like you to fulfill. You might find yourself grinding your teeth (think- grinning and bearing it) or making a fist and breathing hard. You will notice that your yeses are not joyful and full-hearted yeses but yeses that come with regret, anxiety, sadness and resentment.

How to Stop People Pleasing

The first step to solving any problem is acknowledging that it is a problem. Recognize when your people pleasing tendencies are unhelpful to you, your relationships, and the people you love. Understand that you are worthy of healthy relationships with yourself and others, and that what you are or are not able to give does not define this worth. 

Unlearn lies that say having boundaries is bad: to become a healthy people pleaser, it is important that one deprogram their minds from viewing their lack of boundaries as good, kind, or praiseworthy. It is harmful and unfair. As stated previously, true kindness is kindness to self. True friends would not want their needs met at the expense of those they care about. Setting boundaries promotes safety, protects relationships, and leads to more satisfaction in relationships.

Implement boundaries: There is nothing more freeing than the truth. Being honest about one’s own needs and personal limits is a great way to stop people pleasing and love people in a healthy way. Chronic people pleasers would benefit from taking notes from those around them that value themselves enough to communicate their wants, needs and desires. Healthy boundaries honor one’s personal capacity and authentic self. This means your yeses and nos should be in alignment with your resources, time, values, desires. It is also important to be careful that people pleasing does not enable problematic behavior. 

Create personal mantras to manage fears: Fear is often at the root of unhealthy people pleasing behavior. Creating personal mantras that affirm self-worth can help empower people pleasers to choose themselves and accept the risk of disappointing others. Some examples are: “I am allowed to honor my boundaries.” “I am worthy of love because of who I am and not what I do.” “I am worthy of being taken care of.” “I deserve more than people who love me for their own benefits.” 

Do a values exploration exercise and create an authenticity board: Becoming more aware of self and the needs of self can be helpful for chronic people pleasers who feel disconnected to their true self. A values exploration exercise can help you connect to your true self. Specifically with the want, needs, values and desires of your true self. With this awareness, you can begin taking steps to create more satisfaction in your life by allowing your values to guide you. An authenticity board is like a vision board but includes images, phrases, and things that are meaningful and spark joy for your true self. 

How to Identify your Core Values

One way to find your values is to ask yourself the following questions:

1. Who do I admire most?
   1. Personal values are sometimes reflected in the people who we look up to and admire. Typically, the qualities we admire in others are qualities we value ourselves. You can get a better understanding of your values by listing 5-7 people you admire. These can be family members, friends, or people you do not know personally but you consider heroes. What values do these people embody? Are they compassionate, creative, optimistic, resilient? These may be things that are important to you.
2. What was the best moment of your life?
   1. Examining the best moment of your life could shine a light on principles that matter to you. For example, if the best moment of your life was coaching your local high school basketball team into a winning season, you may value fun, mentorship or leadership.
3. What was the most painful moment of your life?
   1. In the same way, our best moments can highlight our values. Our most painful moments can also teach us what is important to us. For example, a painful experience of betrayal may teach you that loyalty or honesty are things you value.
4. What are general principles, standards of behaviors or beliefs that you think are important to have in life? Try to list 7-10. Here is a link for a list of common values people have: Common Core Values

Now that you have a list of different qualities that are meaningful to you. Try to organize the lists in groups by identifying central themes or connections between different qualities. This will help you narrow your list down so you can identify your core values. Rather than letting fears guide your decisions and behaviors, making decisions and acting in alignment with personal values will lead to more contentment in life. 

Conclusion

In conclusion, while wanting to make others happy is normal, excessive people pleasing is unhealthy. These behaviors can develop in a person’s life for a variety of reasons. There is hope for managing pleasing people’s behaviors. Recovery starts with identifying the lies that fuel these behaviors, and challenging them through truth-telling and accountability. If you’d like help understanding where your people pleasing tendencies come from and how to break out of them, contact us today at 267-495-4951 to set up an appointment with one of our trained therapists. 

Hilda “Madequor” Tetteh-Ocloo, MA, MFT, a Marriage and Family Therapist, employs a systemic approach, viewing clients within their broader environmental contexts. She emphasizes healing through empathy, understanding, and accountability. Hilda utilizes contextual and narrative therapy models to help clients overcome relational issues and reframe self-dialogues. As a Ghanaian-American, she advocates for ethnic minorities, particularly in African Diasporic communities, and addresses the stigma of mental illness. Her clinical training at Drexel University emphasized social justice and cultural responsiveness. Hilda holds a B.A. from the University of North Carolina and an M.A. in Couples and Family Therapy from Drexel University. She enjoys reading, writing, volunteering, and dance.

Learn more about Hilda “Madequor” Tetteh-Ocloo ⇒

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If you often put others before yourself and feel guilty or resentful, we can help you. In this article we explain how pleasing people, often rooted in childhood, can negatively impact your well-being. Learn to prioritize yourself without sacrificing your ability to care for others. Discover practical strategies to recognize and change these habits, set healthy boundaries, practice self-care, and go to therapy. Start your journey towards a healthier balance today by reading on and transforming your approach to relationships and self-care.

What is people pleasing? 

Many of us understand people pleasing as putting others first while usually overextending ourselves, and our time, to others. This runs deeper than just letting a friend go ahead of us in line, or taking on an extra 10 minutes to spend time with a family member. When we people please, we are in one way or another, invalidating and telling ourselves that we don’t matter, or at least not as much as others. We may find it hard to attend and commit to our self-care and boundaries. We begin sacrificing our own time and space to be at the beckoning call for others. We may be more agreeable to do for others. Or we may find ourselves holding in our own need for expression out of what we deem as courtesy to the other person (not wanting to burden them or take up too much space in the conversation when they’re having issues). 

Childhood impact:

Our childhood holds many key meanings and understandings to our learned or modeled character traits and our helpful or unhelpful built habits. As we develop in childhood, some of the ways our parents or caregivers showed up and responded to us may have set the stage for a people pleasing role. It is one sign of being raised by narcissists. More so, if our caregivers weren’t showing up or responding to us because this creates mixed understandings of care and love and may have begun the people pleasing role. 

If our feelings or actions were shut down (examples: “stop crying, you’re okay,” “why are you sad, don’t be sad,” “stop being so loud, we’re in public,”) or when we had emotions or needs, our caretakers made it about themselves (examples: “why are you doing this to me?!” “I don’t have time for this right now.”), we may in turn have looked to others for approval. Or we may have learned from our parents responses or lack thereof, that our needs are less important than them, or others. Taking on the understanding or narrative that your needs or feelings are less important, smaller, or a burden are due to the internalized belief that to gain approval, love, or to be a good person, is to put others ahead of us. People pleasing through the childhood lens usually stems from a combination of how the family/caretaker responded to the child and set a precedence for the people pleasing habits to develop.  

• Poor boundaries – Needs not being met or respected
• Poor communication 
• Being put in the “mediator role” – Think of a family fight and the parents or family members ask you to pick sides. 
• Invalidation – Showing lack of care or support for the child. “That didn’t really happen,” “Get over it,” “My feelings/choices/beliefs mean or matter more than yours,” “because I said so, that’s why,” “because I’m the parent and you’re the child.” 
• Parentification at a young age – When a child assumes the role of the parent and takes on age inappropriate demands or tasks at the request of the parent. This can lead to the belief that you have to give up your role and take on a role for someone else. 
• Limited expression of self 
• Overextension of helping others – Parents constantly have you doing tasks for others and highlighting that others need to come first
• Intergenerational trauma – Depending on trauma history, people pleasing traits may be passed down through generations 

Some questions here to ask yourself are – 

• What roles did your caretakers play in showing up for you?
• How was empathy and being there for others modeled to you?
• Were you able to set boundaries for yourself?
• How did your parents, family, and friends respond to your needs and boundaries?
• If your own needs or feelings were shut down, how did you respond? 
• What was the balance or understanding you learned of how to put yourself first and still show up for others? 
• Did you get more praise for doing things for others and limited praise for taking time for yourself?

How people pleasing serves us:

People pleasing isn’t always a bad thing, we just want to make sure it’s not devaluing our own needs and care. Our brains and bodies tend to be very efficient and not want to do anything extra. That said, our brain took on protective measures of people pleasing to avoid something else that it deemed as more difficult or challenging at one time or another. Therefore, in some ways, this role has served us. Maybe it protected us when things got to be too much? Maybe it helped us detach or distract by putting our focus and energy into helping others? Maybe it amplified our service to show up for others? Here are some ways this role served us:

• Helped us keep the peace or stay protected in certain situations 
  • Parents with mental health issues can take up a lot of emotional space. Children learn to make it through the day without getting their parent angry and having outbursts or the parent completely shutting down and not feeding them dinner. The child learns that they should keep their emotions to themselves so as to not trigger their parent. Thus, putting their parent’s mental health and emotional needs before their own. 
  • Your family tends to make you the brunt end of their jokes. If you fought back, they’d get meaner. Over time, you learned to take their jokes with stride as that felt better than getting vulnerable with your needs and them shutting those needs down. You may have even started to believe some of their jokes and taken them on as your identity “you’re the emotional one, you’re the fat one, you’re the dumb one.. in your family.” Thus, you connected and fit in with your family and avoided negative feelings caused by their rejection. 
• Kept others in our circle 
  • If I keep doing this for others they will stick around and I won’t be alone. Think: paying for meals, always being the driver to events, saying yes to things you don’t want to say yes to, etc.
• Helped us be good caretakers to others
  • You learned early on to care for others- cooked dinner for your siblings because mom was working late, checked in on dad when mom berated him in front of his coworkers at the picnic, comforted your sister when mom bullied her – all of this helped you feel comfortable in a caretaking role
• Amplified our empathy for others
  •  By experiencing hardships in your life (alcholic mother, absent dad, death of loved ones, sexual trauma, bipolar sibling, etc.) your worldview becomes shaped by these traumas. You learn early on that people have a backstory because you have a backstory. You tend to be able to read between the lines or sense things in others better than they can articulate it themselves sometimes because that’s what you had to do growing up. 

• Gave us more money or opportunity
• People pleasers tend to not rock the boat, keep their head down and do what they are told. Peers may refer to you as a brown noser but this gets noticed by bosses or teachers. 

However, you can caretake to a fault or have too much empathy that it blinds you to seeing things as they really are. 

How it negatively impacts us:

It’s important to notice the red flags that can come from people pleasing. Some examples include:

• Trouble saying no or setting boundaries
• Resentment for others for not caring or not returning the same intention we showed
• Passive Aggressive tendencies
• Guilt and shame. This can have a multitude of layers. Some reasons for guilt and shame can include:
  • Blaming ourselves for getting treated poorly. 
  • Thinking we are undeserving of others’ doing anything for us or sacrificing their time. 
  • Upset for not liking what we did but feeling like we had to do it anyway
• Ignoring or minimizing our own needs or feelings
• Experiencing physical pain if doing too much or feeling stressed or overextended
• Poor sleep
• Low energy 
• Follow along or help even if we disagree or it goes against our values 
• Feeling shame of not being there for others
• Racing thoughts
• Exacerbated fear of people leaving if we don’t do the task or show up for them 
• Difficulty asking for what we need
• Difficulty accepting help when offered
• Consumed with thoughts of how others perceived us
• Constantly regretting something we said out of fear for how the other person may have felt or thought
• Anxious attachment style

Identifying our people-pleaser actions: 

• Poor time management and personal boundaries. This can include:
  • Ignoring or stopping everything you want to do to appease the other person
  • Overextending your time to help others
  • Never saying no
  • Always saying yes
• Needing to be the “hero” or “mediator” for validation
• Lacking in self care 
• Not filling our needs (hunger, self-care, family planning, etc)
• Being overly agreeable 
• Falling behind in our own activities because we are focused on others

While we may now be more aware of how some of these traits serve us both positively and negatively, we want to begin shifting the negative aspects of this to increase our own sense of self and balance our people pleasing and self-serving roles. Like any changes we make, this will take some time to adjust to, especially if these habits have been ingrained since childhood or with us for a long time. By acknowledging the impact this people pleaser role has on you, you are already taking the first step in awareness and can begin to take the next step in taking action. Similarly to the difficulty of making these changes, there may also be difficulty in how others respond or handle these changes. It’s likely that your shift will create change in other peoples lives, given the ways you have been showing up and doing for them and keeping them in a comfortable habit of knowing these things will continue to happen. But in your shifts you will no longer be serving others in this same way, and that may come with increased frustration and push back including disrespect or anger for the new boundaries you set, guilt tripping, or those people leaving you. Try to stay focused on yourself during this change and remember that we can’t be the hero for everyone. By following some of the steps below you can begin to change these unhelpful habits and create new healthy outlooks, relationships, and experiences for yourself and with those around you. 

Ways to shift role from people-pleaser to ‘you first’ mode

Understand that we can’t please everyone. It’s unrealistic and not good for anyone. If you’re not at 100%, how can you possibly give 100%. You can’t. What we can do is begin to recognize and learn about our own people pleasing habits, where they came from, and how they affect us so we can start making shifts to a better balance of meeting our needs versus others’ needs. Below are some tools and steps to begin to practice so you can start making some of these changes to be your best support and model. 

Personal Exploration Tools:

• Begin to notice and acknowledge your people-pleaser traits and actions 
  • Am I overly eager to jump in and help someone else
  • Do I put others’ needs before my own
  • Do I often feel like a burden when I have needs
  • Do I struggle to ask for help and accept it when given to me
  • Am I constantly wondering what other people are thinking
• How do your people pleasing tendencies serve you or affect you
  • I climbed the corporate ladder
  • My children are happy
  • I’m exhausted all of the time
  • I become irritated quickly
  • People come to me with their problems
• Gain awareness of the automatic thoughts or responses you usually have
  • You say yes before you think about what saying yes actually means for you
  • Your thoughts tend to be about other people
  • Your feelings tend to be resentment, anger, stressed, or exhausted
  • Your idea of “me time” is sneaking away for a shower or going to the grocery store
• Recognize where this trait, thought, feeling, or action is coming from (likely childhood or certain triggers from big events in your life (shame of not doing enough, fear of people leaving, etc) 
• Sit in these emotions and process them

Actions to Overcome People Pleasing

• Check in with how often you are doing things for you and begin to implement at least 1 self care activity in your day
  • Journal
  • Get a massage, pedicure/manicure, facial, etc.
  • Go the gym
  • Read
  • Take a bath
  • Watch sports
  • Take 5 extra minutes in the car before you come inside after your commute
  • Go for a walk
  • Stretch
• Work to connect with what’s really important to you, engage in things you value
  • This may mean saying no to something you don’t find interesting
  • What hobbies have you given up because “life felt too busy”
• Miss a work deadline or two because you want to make it to your child’s soccer game or piano recital
• Use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) thought reframing to challenge self-talk and negative thinking patterns 
• Validate and self sooth 
• Talk to trusted friends or family about this and begin sharing your boundary intentions (Example: “I can no longer be available 24/7 because I need time for my own care.”)
• Use daily mantras or affirmations (Example: “I’m allowed to say no.” “I can put myself first.”)
• Seek therapy to explore patterns and coping further 
• Celebrate progress 
• Accept setbacks (they’re a part of the process)
• Understand that high stress times (interacting with the family member that played a role in you creating these people pleasing tendencies) will challenge you to stick to your new way of interacting versus old tendencies

You don’t have to continue to stay in the people pleasing role and it’s (mostly) exhausting impacts. If you are interested in exploring these people pleasing habits and ways to shift or cope with them further, give us a call to work with a trained therapist at The Better You Institute at 267-495-4951.

Learn more about Caitlin Siekerka ⇒

The post From People Pleasing to ‘You First’ Mode appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Intergenerational patterns influence how we see ourselves and relate to others, often without us realizing it. These patterns, passed down through generations, can either help us succeed or hold us back. Understanding and changing these patterns can improve our relationships and overall happiness.

If you want to break free from negative cycles and build healthier relationships, therapy can help. 

The Creation of Rules

People create rules to help them optimize and adapt to changes that happen in daily life. On a small scale, think about a person’s morning commute with traffic along the usual route traveled. “I will take this (other) route for the next month until they finish this construction.” Often, changes in rules and expectations in life make our lives easier. You can observe the rules you use to adapt and optimize life within your interactions with other people! Just thinking about who you avoid or try to get closer to every day can show you that we all have rules that we follow, even if they are implicit (i.e., unspoken or rather “just understood”) rules.

Often, we create these implicit rules without giving them any additional thought. When did you established these rules? What caused you to develop these rules? Are these rules are actually helpful? These questions are the basis of the intentionality of treatment in therapy! Frequently, clients will arrive at a first session with problems or concerns that they are noticing that are impacting their lives. After several sessions, the treatment usually shifts to talking about a client when they were a child growing up. Why would this be important?

Learning the Rules

Unbeknownst to most people, many patterns or “rules of engagement” are developed as children. For instance, think of very young children. They learn the “rules” of what they can and cannot do from a very early age. This process of learning the rules about themselves, others, and the world around them extends to the family and environment in which a child grows up. These rules can be simple. An example of a simple rule is: “Do not cross the street without looking both ways!” “A child learning to put their needs second to their depressed, alcoholic parent’s needs” is a more complex rule.

Family Patterns

As you can see, families are the primary place of learning for children as they grow up. Schools or daycares can also significantly influence a child’s life, but the home is the primary place for learning the core of attachment, loyalty, and value systems. You can probably see how healthy families can lead to healthy rules. These rules can influence the child’s sense of Self, others, and the world around them. Unfortunately, if you are reading this article, you likely have noticed that your rules might not be the healthiest. Can you think of rules you may have grown up with that you are now passing down to your children? Or, what about rules that you are trying to break out of now? 

If you can imagine how teaching children rules can impact them, then you are starting to understand “Systems Theory.” Families or other systems the child interacts with (e.g., daycare) teach children skills to help them in the world. These skills are later passed down from one generation to the next either explicitly or implicitly.  An example of an explicit skill can be “I am going to teach you how to do your taxes today.” An example of an implicit skill could be a child “staying strong” for a parent going through a hard time. Here is where you get the concept of intergenerational patterns. 

Understanding Intergenerational patterns

Imagine this process of gaining skills as a child (from your caregivers), using them successfully, having children, and then teaching your children these skills. Then have this process repeat through several generations. This process is a recipe for success for families if the skills learned and passed down to the next generation are adaptive. These skills produce successful children in school/trades, relationships with others (i.e., friendships and romantic relationships), and working with others in a career. One way to view success is how well a person can form and keep relationships with others.

The above is a summarized black-and-white description of patterns we can observe through generations. Obviously, people, and life, are more complicated than this! Many variables and events outside of our control impact people. These variables can change how people adapt (and make new implicit rules). They can also later teach others (children, friends, coworkers, or strangers) once they have adapted the skills. 

Maladaptive Intergenerational Patterns

Some variables or events that affect people come in the form of adversity. Examples of hardship are death, abandonment, sickness, eviction, divorce, violence, moving, the threat of violence, abuse, neglect, or injury. And that was not an exhaustive list! These examples demonstrate events that can impact a family’s life in ways that we cannot predict. 

Adaptation Versus Rules

These adversities are not maladaptive as we cannot control them. Instead, our response to adversity can become maladaptive or adaptive. First, the family must adapt to an introduction to the family system of trauma, tragedy, and hardship. Within adaptation, families make new rules. These new rules impact the relationships within the home. The rules may develop subconsciously, without the family even aware of the small shifts occurring. 

Rules Becoming Intergenerational Patterns

Frequently, generations of tragedy, trauma, and hardship impact people and their families. However, sometimes the patterns passed down aren’t as blatant as a family tragedy. Sometimes, the pattern is less noticeable, like a family’s inability to emotionally regulate and using only anger to express themselves. We can observe other examples of possible intergenerational patterns impacting a family through a child having extreme difficulties in school with behavior problems with their peers. A second example could be an adult having issues keeping a job or consistent friends. 

A final example could be a consistently “unlucky in love” person. This person seems to keep dating the wrong types of people. It could be easy to think of the previous examples as individual personal problems or the impact of tragedies on a single person alone. In some cases, this is correct. However, in other cases, things are more complicated. Looking into family dynamics and patterns through generations (through a family tree or genogram), you can see that there are patterns of adversity and maladaptive responses that have followed the family. These intergenerational patterns can show two truths. One truth is that not all learned patterns are healthy. Another truth is that these patterns are not creating success for family members in different domains in their lives.

Motivation for Change

Sometimes, no one in the family stops to think about changes being made to themselves or their family. The impact of not stopping could have implications on the next generation. You might be the first person in your family to actively take steps to change your intergenerational learned patterns. In order to improve how you interact with other people, it takes a lot of courage!

Why Is Thinking about Intergenerational Patterns Important?

Let us pretend that you were thinking about intergenerational patterns and their possible implications. Describing these potential implications could help you explore your possible patterns with greater intentionality.

Intergenerational Patterns: Children

If you have ever been around children, you will know that they are “fascinating sponges.” The intersection of their growing personalities, their natural temperaments, their pure curiosity for the world, and how quickly they begin picking up and revealing truths about who is raising them is quite the process to watch unfold. 

If you have children, you may see your children doing something and say, “that is definitely their (other) parent.” However, other times you may see yourself or even your parents in your children’s actions. Parents always hope that their children pick up their good qualities. Unfortunately, children are sponges, and they pick up on our more desirable and less desirable traits. You might even see yourself doing things your parents did for you growing up with your children. You may never want to do those things with your children. It might be time to think about intergenerational patterns that you have picked up from your childhood. No matter how old your children get, it is not too late to make changes that can positively impact your relationship with your children and what skills your children can learn from you to adapt to their own lives.

If you plan to raise children someday, it is helpful to think about your childhood and what changes you can make to better your children’s future. However, hoping for these changes alone is usually not effective. Instead, you must dive deep and make the changes you seek:

1. It is essential to understand your unmet needs.
2. Work to heal from the trauma of not receiving what you needed.
3. Practice gaining skills to meet the needs of your children.

We can only parent our children as well as we re-parent ourselves. 

Intergenerational Patterns: Family Relationships 

Even if you have no interest in having or raising children, you come from a family. If you have conflictual family relationships, there is probably a history of where that conflict started. Understanding intergenerational patterns can help you understand how to break those unhelpful patterns and improve your family relationships. By no means are we are excusing your father’s anger or mother’s neglect, for example. However, empathy and compassion feel more manageable than resentment. By becoming introspective about the potential patterns that have impacted your family, you will feel better and have a more precise direction in life. 

Intergenerational Patterns: Friendships

Do you have issues with friendships? We encourage you to turn inward to see how you make, maintain, or keep friendships. Friendship conflicts could be a product of trauma from previous relationships/friendships. On the other hand, it could also be a product of your attachment styles and patterns. These conflicts could originate from your relationships with your parents/caregivers growing up. Additionally, the conflicts could be from what was not modeled for you by your caregivers. If the latter seems true, you must understand and work with the intergenerational patterns you adopted. It can help to improve your friendships!

Intergenerational Patterns: Romantic relationships

Have you found yourself dating the same type of person, or is the relationship’s ending frequently bad? Understanding who you are attracted to and why could include a discussion around intergenerational patterns. For example, you might assign the attraction towards a potential mate as their “carefreeness” or their “drive.” However, these qualities are likely adversities they’ve adapted to within their family system and are now rules for engagement. 

For instance, that carefree persona you loved so much in the beginning now feels like conflict avoidance later in the relationship when you constantly feel shut out by your partner. If you dive deep into your own need for adaptations, you find carefree to be attractive. This could be because you grew up in a rigid, overly structured home. However, as the relationship progresses, you find your partner shutting you out due to their aversions to conflict. This could feel similar to your parents not having the capacity to make space for your needs as a child!

See how your relationship with your partner mirrors parts of your relationship with your caregivers, which their caregivers can heavily influence. Of course, this mirroring isn’t accurate for everyone and isn’t all of your relationships. For example, continued unfulfilling patterns within romantic relationships could have other origins. These patterns could result from the impact of trauma in the past and be separate from your family. However, how your family supported you through that trauma or how you viewed the trauma could be an intergenerational pattern. Family support could determine if it was helpful or unhelpful in helping you recover from the trauma.

Intergenerational Patterns: Workplace Habits

Are you finding yourself having difficulties keeping or maintaining a job/career? Are there frequent conflicts with coworkers or clients that feel similar? Does it seem like problems come for you no matter where you go to work? If any of these are true, it sounds like you are stuck in a maladaptive intergenerational pattern. Those conflicts may make going to work something you wake up to every morning with dread. If you are experiencing repeating issues at work, it might be helpful to look into your attachment patterns and styles that could have developed from intergenerational patterns or trauma.

Doing the Work in Therapy

Background Information

If you are still interested in learning about what it would look like to work on intergenerational patterns in therapy, good! This section will help to give you a better understanding. There are differences in what the therapeutic work would look like in individual, couples/parents, and family therapy. For this reason, I will briefly discuss them to understand the differences. No matter who is involved in treatment, a history of presenting problems needs to be understood. This will occur at the beginning of treatment. A history is taken by listening to your story and doing a genogram (i.e., family tree) and a timeline.

Understanding Your Intergenerational Patterns

After understanding the background of your presenting problems, you and the therapist will work to understand patterns present in your life. Next, work will be done to understand what themes are in this pattern. For individual therapy, you can do this by talking about friends, romantic relationships, or even workplace dynamics to understand better the patterns in your current life and how it impacts you. In couples or family therapy, understanding what happens within the relationships to cause conflicts helps understand the patterns.

Next, is exploring connections between patterns. Exploring the relationships between the history of family and current patterns in relationships is important.  Understanding if there is a connection between the two will occur through drawing comparisons in processes. If there is a connection, you and the therapist will dive deep and understand this entirely. Then, your therapist will work with you to build skills to help practice changing these patterns. 

Sometimes, deep-seated wounds impede an individual, couple, or family’s ability to practice making changes in their lives. If this is the case, doing work to process the trauma and heal from it can help. Working to heal from the trauma can alleviate the trauma symptoms that may be impacting healthy relationship patterns. 

Making Changes

Time had been taken to understand the history and impact of patterns. Then roles that people play in the pattern and skill-building take place to give hope that changes can made. The final part of therapy will be working towards change. The therapist will help you quickly identify when the pattern is occurring in your life through practice in sessions. Next, work to determine what is needed to shift out of this pattern will occur. Then, practicing utilizing different skills to make the shift will be a final part of treatment. 

Although this is a basic overview of what will happen in treatment to identify, understand, and work towards changing intergenerational patterns, there will frequently be times when the treatment repeats or is modified when new information or understandings of patterns are known. In addition, sometimes processing what occurs within the therapeutic relationship will be done to understand, process, and change an interaction pattern that could reinforce the intergenerational patterns in your life. Indeed, having an emotionally safe and trusting therapeutic relationship lends itself to collaborative changes. 

What can you hope to see through working on this in this way?

If you are thinking about doing the therapeutic work to understand your intergenerational patterns and traumas, you might be wondering what is it that you hope to change? One standard change in this type of therapy is your relationships with others in several domains of your life. For example, improvements in your relationships with your friendships, family, and work could result from understanding the impact of intergenerational patterns in your life. In addition, understanding your patterns can reveal how those patterns persist in several areas of your life. 

Increasing Responses

Another change that you will get from this type of work is identifying and modifying your response when you perceive an unhealthy relationship pattern. Essentially, you are challenging the maladaptive responses and creating adaptive patterns that work for you now. Increasing your identification speed will help you know when to utilize the skills you learned in therapy to gain greater confidence in your assertiveness skills to get preferred outcomes. 

Confidence and Assertiveness

Through vulnerability, a greater sense of Self is a third change you can obtain from understanding your intergenerational patterns through therapy work. Being more confident in yourself and how to assert yourself differently to encourage healthier relationships will inevitably lead to you becoming more vulnerable with others. As a result, you will have the confidence to take more chances in relationships, leading to greater feelings of intimacy and connection with others. Ultimately, understanding your intergenerational patterns can help you feel more in control. Indeed, you will have better control over your interactions with family members, friends, coworkers, and strangers, which can help you have greater satisfaction in your life (i.e., feelings of connection, worth, purpose, and meaning). 

If you are ready to start your journey in exploring your intergenerational patterns in hopes of a better tomorrow, call us today at 267-495-4951 or contact us through our contact form. We are here to guide you into insights, changes, and confidence! 

Caleb Dunn, LPC, NCC, a Licensed Professional Counselor and Clinical Director, is known for his balanced approach that is light-hearted, genuine, and serious. He focuses on creating a non-judgmental space where clients can openly discuss their struggles. Specializing in working with children, families, at-risk youth, and adults in Philadelphia, Caleb addresses issues like family conflicts, anxiety, depression, and trauma. He is experienced in supporting BIPOC and LGBTQ+ teens and their families. Utilizing Eco-Systemic Structural Family Therapy, EMDR, Motivational Interviewing, CBT, and Person-Centered Therapy, he aims to help clients understand and change negative patterns rooted in their past, empowering them to grow into confident and assertive individuals. Caleb is committed to helping clients and families develop the tools needed for a successful life.

Learn more about Caleb Dunn ⇒

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Attachment styles, formed in childhood by caregiver responses, affect our security in relationships. Dismissive attachment results from distant caregiving, causing avoidance of closeness. Anxious attachment arises from inconsistent caregiving, leading to clinginess and fear. Recognizing your attachment style and seeking therapy can help you build more secure, fulfilling relationships. Start exploring your attachment style today to improve your connections and emotional well-being.

What are the attachment styles?

In the famous Strange Situation experiment, Ainsworth put infants in a room with their parents and had them play with toys. Ainsworth then had the parents leave the room and observed the child’s reaction. Ainsworth then reintroduced the parents and again watched the child’s reaction. The child’s reaction to the parents leaving and returning indicated the child’s potential attachment style. We will go through what category each reaction falls into below:

Secure Attachment

In the Strange Situation study, children with a secure attachment had more middle ground reactions to their parents coming and going. For example, when their parents left, they seemed a little bit worried and would whimper but could soothe themselves, and when their parents returned, they noticed and were happy to see their parents. 

Case Example of Secure Attachment:

Kate has a good balance between honoring both of her needs for being alone and spending time with her partner. She has date nights with her partner once a week and sees her friends once a week. Kate encourages her partner to nurture their friendships and does not feel worried about betrayal when her partner spends time away. Instead, she feels connected. She knows her partner loves her even when she is not in their presence and wants to build upon their connection when they are together.

Kate’s parents modeled what an affectionate, close relationship looks like for her. Kate knew she could rely on her parents emotionally as they showed up for her and each other consistently. She did not question whether or not her parents would be there for her emotionally. If Kate had a hard day at school, her parents would attune to her needs and inquire about why Kate was feeling a certain way and support her in a way that she needed. Her parents helped her develop a good sense of self and high self-esteem by praising her strengths and helping her grow.

Questions to ask yourself if you suspect you have a secure attachment:

• Do I have a good balance between “me” time and time with my partner?
• Do I consistently feel like I am loved and deserve love?
• Do I trust my partner? Do I trust myself?
• Am I worthy of love? 
• Do I believe I have high value?
• Do I easily open up to my partner?
• Do I feel I can rely on my partner in times of need?
• Do I feel my partner can attune to my needs and I theirs in an effective way?

Dismissive Attachment

In the Strange Situation, children with a dismissive attachment seem not to care whether or not their parent is in the room. They appear to have minimal reaction both when their parents left and when they returned. However, research shows that when the parent goes, the child still reacts internally, as evidenced by changes in physiological symptoms, such as an increased heart rate. So interestingly, the child may have learned not to show their anxiety outwardly. 

Case example of a person with a dismissive attachment:

Sean is a CEO of a large corporation. He works late into the night every night. His wife and children have pointed out to him that they would like to be able to spend more time with him. Sean’s answer is always that his work requires him to spend most of his time managing the business so that he can support his family financially. Sean keeps his cell phone off during work hours and refuses to take personal calls from his family during the workday. Sean keeps everyone at arm’s length. When his wife attempts to have a conversation about serious, potentially vulnerable issues, he makes jokes to avoid the subject. Sean does not have close relationships and prefers not to share his time. He finds certain social experiences to be annoying or suffocating.

Sean’s family growing up was emotionally shallow. He was a child of narcissistic parents. His mother displayed narcissistic tendencies and mostly cared whether or not the family’s outfits matched in holiday photos. Sean’s father tolerated nothing less than perfection and required the family to be dressed and at the table at 8am every morning, or they did not get breakfast. Sean did not have emotional intimacy modeled nor given to him and, therefore, feared relationships. Sean instead valued his image and how things appeared on the outside.

Questions to ask yourself if you suspect you have a dismissive attachment:

• When others want to be close to me, do I view them as needy or overbearing?
• Do I tend to exert or lean into my independence when others ask me for things?
• Do I consider needing others weak?
• Does talking about my needs/feelings with others make me extremely uncomfortable? 
• Does it seem silly or pointless to talk about feelings?
• Do I seek support from my partner if I am stressed, or do I isolate myself?
• Do people give me feedback that they would like to spend more time with me or wish I would open up more?

Anxious Attachment

Children in the Strange Situation experiment who became very distressed outwardly by the absence and reintroduction of the parent were thought to have an anxious attachment. These children struggled to soothe themselves when they became upset when the parents left and came back. The parents also could not settle the child. People with anxious attachment display a push and pull ambivalence in their relationships. They often feel the need to become close very quickly but fear abandonment.  

Case Example of Anxious Attachment:

Jared always had difficulty being apart from his partner. Whenever he is not in a relationship, he describes feeling empty. He prefers to be around his partner as much as possible, and whenever his partner asks for alone time, he becomes very uneasy and fears they no longer love him. Jared needs constant reassurance that his partner likes him and that things are going well throughout the relationship. Jared tends to move quickly in relationships and will say “I love you” early in the relationship and feel rejected if the other person is not going at the same pace emotionally as he is. Jared tends to question others’ motives and second guess himself constantly.

Jared’s parents divorced when he was 12. The divorce was not amicable, and Jared was tossed back and forth between households, often feeling rejected by both parents. Jared’s mother acted more like a friend than as a mother. At times she doted on Jared. She mostly displayed this behavior when she wasn’t drinking excessively. Jared’s mother tended to drink often and stated it helped her relax. She was barely involved in Jared’s life when she would drink excessively. Jared constantly worried about his mother’s health and was distressed at her drinking. Dad would only get Jared on the weekends and would sometimes be present, but other times leave Jared with a babysitter if he had a date. These interactions often left Jared confused about his relationship and role with his parents.  

Questions to ask yourself if you suspect you have an anxious attachment:

• Do I want to get very close very quickly when I am in a relationship?
• Is it torture to be apart from my partner?
• When my partner is away, do I worry myself so much that I participate in behaviors that cause issues within my relationships?  
• Am I constantly suspicious of my partner’s behavior and feel the need to snoop through their belongings/electronic devices?
• Do I frequently fear my partner will leave me?
• Do I worry I care more about my partner than they care about me?

Disorganized Attachment

Someone with a disorganized attachment will have a push-pull approach toward relationships. They might deeply crave extreme closeness and be clingy to their partner at moments and then at other times appear aloof or detached. Their source of love was also their source of fear. Naturally, this can lead to confusion because seeking comfort frequently results in pain or fear.

Case Example for Disorganized Attachment

Tom states he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship ever. Yet, on occasion, Tom has divulged that he would love to be with a girl he finds so beautiful he doesn’t care what she looks like. Tom has a crush on his friend’s sister, Alicia. The feelings are mutual, and the two will hook up casually and sporadically. Alicia has a gut feeling that Tom is in love with her and will catch him being considerate of her needs and doing elaborate favors. However, anytime Alicia tries to see him again or get closer, Tom will ghost her. Instead of being with Alicia, Tom has a dependent relationship with her brother. He is close to her but not too close.

Tom grew up with 12 siblings. His parents both worked several jobs to try to support the family but were stressed and emotionally unstable. Tom’s family mostly lived off of government assistance. Tom went to bed hungry most nights and only wore clothes passed down from siblings. Tom was often neglected emotionally and physically and sometimes beaten by his father whenever his father had too much to drink. Tom’s older siblings seemed to bond, but Tom felt left out of that connection. While Tom could understand his parents were doing the best they could, he also felt pain and sometimes fear from them. Tom dropped out of high school when he was 16 and started looking for connections in all the wrong places, such as selling drugs. His parents did not intervene when he dropped out and instead asked if he could help support the family if he was working.

Questions to ask yourself if you suspect you have disorganized attachment: 

• Do I feel conflicted about committed relationships?
• Do I act toward my love interest in a dismissive manner rather than openly affectionate?
• Do I deeply crave a strong connection with someone but act like I don’t?
• Will, I one moment seek intense closeness toward my partner then, if triggered, suddenly switch to a more dismissive style?
• Do I have an intense fear of abandonment?
• Do I feel disassociated from my relationships at times?  

Abuse and Attachment Styles

As you may guess, abuse can significantly affect our sense of safety and security in a relationship. The fourth attachment style which commonly is present when someone has been through childhood abuse is disorganized attachment. In the Strange Situation, those infants with disorganized attachment might display ambivalence toward their caregiver, engaging in confusing behavior such as walking backwards towards their caregiver.

Can my attachment style change?

If you are worried about having a particular attachment style, you have good news. Your attachment style can change! As a result, you can move towards a more secure attachment style in your adult relationships. Changing will take work and persistence, however. The type of work needed may vary depending on your attachment style. For example, someone with a dismissive attachment style may need to work on tolerating closeness and moving toward people rather than away.

Essential skills to move toward feeling secure in your relationships according to your attachment style: 

Secure Attachment: 

• Continue to set boundaries and honor your limitations
• Continue to honor your needs and be compassionate to others’ needs
• Have open conversations with your partner and compassionate self-talk, being vulnerable and open to change

Dismissive Attachment

• Ask for help and embrace the discomfort that may come with that
• Go to an activity or call a friend and look for the positive, fun parts of this experience (vs. the annoying or scary parts)
• Open yourself up to trusting that others can meet your needs, that you don’t have to be self-reliant like you did when you were younger
  • Try small tasks that you can delegate to someone you want to trust. Process what happens after, let the positive outcome sink in for you
  • Share something vulnerable with someone and ask them for support. See how it feels to receive their support and pay attention to how they respond to you. Were they able to show up for you? 

Anxious Attachment

• Find a balance between your alone time and time with others if you have trouble being alone. 
  • Practice being alone! Schedule an hour more than usual of doing something by yourself. Turn off your phone, don’t watch television, or listen to music/podcasts. Disconnect from everything but yourself. 
• Learn to trust yourself and be able to soothe yourself in times of distress
• When you are not physically close to someone, practice sitting in the discomfort of being away from them – don’t text/call them, if your mind wonders to obsessive thoughts, practice mindfulness or soothing yourself
• When you feel emotionally disconnected from someone, own this disconnect. When the person is able to show up for you, store this in your memory for the next time you become anxious or disconnected to recall and remind yourself that they are there for you and you are connected

Disorganized Attachment

• Create a strong “chosen family” of friends. This will help you learn to feel secure with others to be there when you need them
  • Define what a strong chosen family is to you – reliable, emotionally stable, shows up for you physically and emotionally, gives you space when you need it, accepts your boundaries
• Get a pet. The unconditional love a pet can give you can be so healing
• Journal your emotions in response to others. Track your ups and downs (push/pulls) and start to learn your triggers 
  • Use this awareness to practice leaning in or setting boundaries on your own to become more self-sufficient and secure

Conclusion of Attachment Styles

Therapy can be an excellent resource if you need support navigating security in your relationships. If you can build a secure, trusting relationship with your therapist, it can help immensely with healing insecure attachments. Remember that you are not doomed to always be insecurely attached; you can move toward a more secure attachment. If you are interested in finding a therapist who can help you find security in your relationships, you can call The Better You Institute at (267) 495-4951.

Courtney Miller, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a warm, empathetic approach, specializing in children, teens, and young adults, including the LGBTQ+ community. Utilizing her artistic background, she employs creative and experiential methods in therapy. Courtney focuses on overcoming mood disorders, trauma, and relational dynamics, particularly addressing C-PTSD and narcissistic wounds. She emphasizes understanding patterns and enhancing existing strengths, offering tools like mindfulness and thought reframing. With a BA in Psychology and Fine Art from SUNY New Paltz and an MA in Mental Health Counseling from CUNY Brooklyn, she has experience in family dynamics and LGBTQ+ youth support. Based in Philadelphia, Courtney enjoys crafting, travel, biking, and spending time with loved ones.

Learn more about Courtney Miller ⇒

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The benefits of taking a break include gaining clarity and resetting your relationship while acknowledging the potential risks. Whether you’re dealing with constant arguments, infidelity, substance abuse, or feeling disconnected, this guide provides practical advice on how to communicate effectively and set clear boundaries during the break.

If you’re struggling with your relationship, this article offers valuable insights to help you make an informed decision.

Possible Reasons for Taking A Break from the Relationship

• Fighting all the time
• Infidelity
• Substance abuse
• At a crossroad of what each partner wants out of the relationship/life/each other/ themselves
• Divorce has been mentioned but not sure it’s the right decision
• Lack of intimate/emotional connection
• Lack of sexual connection
• Blended family issues
• Grief and Loss of a child
• Anything else?

Depending on how you got to this point of exploring whether you should take a break from your relationship will guide the decision to take a break.

Fighting All of the Time

You find it challenging to be in the same room with your partner. Even the things that seem so trivial can start a fight. When you think about your relationship, you begin to realize significant hang-ups that come out in surface-level arguments. Or you have deep-seated, painful arguments that hit each of you in your core. You start to participate in Gottman’s Four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling). These fights have gone beyond each of you feeling like yourself during them.

If the constant fighting pushes you toward taking a break from the relationship, each of you needs to do work on your own outside of the relationship. Doing your own work is why taking a break from your relationship can be helpful. If you’re constantly getting (re)triggered by your partner or living environment, it’s difficult to work on yourself. When on break, you can have space to begin to explore, understand, and heal from your own inner lived experiences. You should understand your triggers and why you get to such extreme responses with your partner during an argument.

Infidelity

Infidelity can come in all shapes and sizes. The most common type of infidelity is cheating through sexual acts or emotional connections. However, there is infidelity through your job, substances, children, volunteering, hobbies, etc. If an individual feels lonely, unwanted, unloved, or abandoned due to their partner’s actions, it can feel like infidelity.

Sometimes the repair from the affair needs space first. The person who was cheated on needs to take space to ask themselves if they can forgive, to find out what they need, and to start healing. The person who did the cheating needs space to ask how they got to where they were taking part in cheating actions and if they can step out of it. What were they missing in the relationship that they dove so far into another person or activity? Finally, each partner needs to ask themselves if they can give the other the way their partner needs. While these questions can be answered without taking a break, often, each partner will feel influenced or pressured in the presence of their partner. Taking a break can offer the freedom to think independently of their partner and figure out what they truly want.

Substance Abuse

Alcohol and drugs can take over your life. Abuse or addiction is destructive to your relationships, career, body, self-esteem, emotions, and future. But, most of the time, substance abuse or addiction is a symptom of something more profound. You are trying to numb or escape from a reality that feels negative or is traumatic to you. Meanwhile, you’re not participating in life in the way you want to. For example, you may be an angry drunk; you missed your child’s soccer game because you were consumed with getting your next hit, or you called out of work because you were too hungover and didn’t want to be seen.

A relationship break may look like the abuser going to rehab and not having contact as part of their treatment. The non-substance abuser set a boundary and asked for the substance user to get into recovery, which led to the break. Here a break can be helpful for the substance abuser to have enough space to work on themselves with no outside triggers or emotional responsibilities of the other. The non-substance abuser Lastly, the non-substance abuser may want to take a break from caring for their substance-addicted partner.

At a crossroads of what each partner wants out of the relationship/life/each other/ themselves

As you get older and gain more life experience, your mind changes about what you want out of life. You may find that your belief systems or values have changed over the years. These changes may have impacted your relationship. You may find yourself fighting with your partner all the time or interacting as if you were just roommates and not lovers. But, on the other hand, you might also be feeling like you haven’t changed, and over the years of the relationship, you’ve realized just how different you are from one another. You love each other very much, but you’re not sure where to go from here. You know that you’re not happy, though.

A break might help figure out what each of you needs from yourselves, the relationship, and the world at large. The break may also give each person space to seek out the things they need from the world individually. For instance, if one person loves to travel but the other is more of a homebody, they can do as they please without feeling pressure from the other person. You will also have the time to see what interests you and how you fill your time when you don’t have the other partner influencing you. Finally, pay attention to what you find joy in on your own and what you are doing that you miss the other person.

Divorce has been mentioned but maybe taking a break from your relationship is the answer

Too often, couples toss out the idea of divorce without knowing precisely what it will entail. While taking a break won’t give you the full emotional depth of divorce that actual divorce will, it can give you an idea of what your day-to-day will look like and shine a light on things you may not have thought about.

To truly explore divorce through a break, we recommend making it at least three months apart from one another. If you have children, taking your break around a weather pattern change is highly recommended. This will give you a sense of the hardships of parenting on your own when your children need different things. Three months gives you enough time to separate your finances enough that each of you would adjust to how it might look on your own. Further, it gives you time to miss the other person truly and have you imagine life without them. Three months also gives you enough time to adjust to a new lifestyle to experience it. Are your stress levels higher/lower? Where are your thoughts? How are you feeling? Do you miss the other person? Does it feel like a relief when you come home to an empty home and not your partner?

Lack of Intimate/Emotional Connection

Sometimes, you lose the zest in your relationship, especially after surviving a world pandemic (cough*Covid*cough). Even without a whole pandemic, long-term relationships can become monotonous. They become too comfortable to where you might long for the courtship stage again. The routine of the relationship is leading to a lack of emotional connection. You may have lost sight of why you were attracted to your partner in the first place.

A break can shine a light on what you adore about your partner because you start to miss it. It can also break up the monotony and give you more things to talk about as you update one another on what they missed. During the break, enjoy your time apart but think about what you want to bring back to the relationship. Notice what you enjoy on your own that you’ve lost touch with because you’ve been in a relationship. Do you want to continue to do these things after the break? Do you want to include your partner or keep these activities just for you but then share them verbally afterward? A break in this instance gives space to reposition yourself in the relationship and bring a new feeling to you and your partner.

Lack of Sexual Connection

When it comes to sexual connection, there can be so many layers playing into how you ended up here. For some, you may describe the entire relationship as lacking sexual connection, while others may be experiencing a waning in their sex life as a symptom of something else in their relationship. Time has passed for too long. The tension that the lack of sex has created is getting to be too much. It’s starting to pour into other areas of your life. Or the other issues are beginning to shine through, along with the sex as a symptom. Taking a break to figure out your sex life can be done in a few ways. You can take a break from sex but stay in the relationship and continue as usual, minus having sex on the table. Or you can separate and live separate lives for a bit.

If you take sex off the table but continue to carry on as usual in other areas of your relationship, pay attention to what happens. Do different parts of the relationship get worse/better? Are you able to find other ways to connect that feel better to you, easier or less pressure? Did you end up having sex, but the usual pressures or tension weren’t present? If so, this is indicative that it is the sex itself that is the issue. You each have created a narrative around your sex life, yourself as a sexual person, or your partner as a sexual person. Unfortunately, these narratives have gotten in your way of genuine sexual connection. Taking space from sex and resetting yourself could be the answer to having a long, healthy sex life in the future.

If you decide to separate, what do you notice? Do you feel yourself longing for your partner in ways not just related to sex? Do you find yourself feeling relieved that you’re not coming home to your partner? Does life seem easier or more complicated without your partner? Depending on your answers, you may find that it wasn’t the sex at all, that it was different parts of the relationship that were causing sexual issues between you and your partner. If this is the case, we recommend seeing a couples therapist to figure out what is at the crux of these issues and why sex has become the symptom. Also, depending on your answers here, you may have found that it was the sexual tension built up from several years of distorted narratives about your sex life, your partner, or yourself. Maybe you found yourself masturbating for the first time in years. Perhaps you had a sexual fantasy; you felt yourself coming alive sexually without your partner’s presence. What does that mean to you? Here we recommend seeing a sex therapist to figure out what is underlying the issues you and your partner are having sexually with one another.

Learn more about sex therapy.

Blended Family Issues

Merging families is no easy feat! When two individuals come together and find love, it doesn’t always mean their families come together and find love. You may find yourself in a position where it is best for your children if you take a break from your partner. Your children may need more one-on-one attention from you that you can’t provide when you’re all together with both families. Your children may not have a good relationship with the other children and need space to figure out how to get along. If one or more partners moved to make the relationship work, the children might not be adjusting to their new school or neighborhood, and it may be advantageous to move the children back until they graduate.

You may also be having issues with adjusting to having more people to care for all at once. You may feel over-extended and idealize more time and space for yourself and managing your family. You may also not agree with how your partner is parenting. Taking a break can help each of you reset and find your grounding in yourselves to come back and share how you see your futures going specific to co-parenting and your relationship balance. Additionally, a break can provide time together as a couple when you only have your biological children to pay attention to, which may free time up for the relationship.

Lastly, the biological parents not in the blended family may be intervening in the relationship’s success or the children’s lives. For example, a parent may demand that their children have visitations that don’t work for the blended family. The parent may not allow the children across state lines or on family vacations that the blended family is taking. To be fair to all children and the couple, a break from the blended family to work out things with the ex / biological parent could be beneficial.

Grief and Loss of a Child

Likely the most uninvited and devastating event a person could go through is the loss of their child. Whether it was a miscarriage, stillbirth, or illness later on in your child’s life, the death of your child is catastrophically traumatic. Some couples can come together and find each other as their most significant supports. However, other individuals allow their grieving to come out to one another in a detrimental way for the couple. Anger, depression, blame are just a few emotions that can devastate a relationship during such a significant loss.

Everyone grieves differently. Some people are very outward with their emotions, while others are more inward. When our emotions are high, it can be challenging to be poised in a way that won’t hurt the other person. Taking a break from one another can allow each individual to grieve in their way without hurting the other person. They can express their emotions to others that weren’t directly affected or at risk of being blamed. Separation can provide the space to heal on your own so that you can come back to the other and work toward supporting one another when you’re ready.

Physical/Sexual/Emotional Abuse

If you are experiencing any abuse currently, we highly encourage you to seek services! We recommend reaching out to shelters, agencies that specialize in helping victims, filing for a Protection From Abuse (PFA), reporting the abuse to the police or childline, going to your nearest emergency room, and seeking therapy.

Things to consider when going on a break from the relationship:

• Set timelines for check-ins.
  • Decide on a date that the break will start
  • Decide on a date that you will meet for at least an hour to discuss changes that you’ve experienced during the break
  • Decide on a date to discuss how each of you is feeling regarding the relationship and what you need moving forward (i.e., more time, to see more changes in the other person/yourself, to see other people, to end the relationship officially)
    • We recommend no longer than three months for a break before checking in with one another
  • If you decide that more time is necessary, set another date to meet up again and discuss these same things.
• Identify specific communications that you want to be a part of the separation and that you do not want to be a part of the separation
  • How will we communicate with one another?
    • Email
    • Text
    • Phone call
    • In-person
    • Through a 3^rd party (i.e., mutual friend, therapist)
      • We do not recommend involving family or a friend who is only one person’s friend and not the others.
  • What is off-limits to communicate about during this time? Examples might be:
    • The relationship
    • Our feelings
    • Casual updates of your day
    • Flirty conversations
    • Leaning on the other for support
  • What type of regular communication is necessary from each of you? Examples might be:
    • Updates on children
    • Financial obligations
    • How to navigate previously planned social obligations
    • Updates on mutual friends/family members when something big happens (e.g., a death, engagement, reminding you to reach out to wish someone a birthday, etc.)
    • Asking to change an agreed-upon term of the breakup
  • Are there windows of time I don’t want to have this communication (e.g., while at work, after 10p, etc.)
• Identify boundaries to the break
  • Do we see other people?
  • Is it expected that we seek therapy or work on ourselves?
  • Who are we going to tell that we are on a break?
  • Who are we going to be sure doesn’t find out that we are on a break?
  • How will we interact on social media?
  • Can one person take a vacation or a trip? Do the children come with you?
• How will shared and individual expenses look?
  • Do we keep the roles we have?
  • Do we each get a certain amount for an allowance?
  • Agree that no significant changes occur (i.e., no one is to close accounts, open accounts, lend money out, borrow money from friends/family, get a loan)
  • Agree on an amount that if something costs more than then, you will check in with the other person (e.g., if the children need an expensive piece of sports equipment, if the water heater dies, a nice pair of shoes/watch one of you wants, etc.)
    • Depending on your financial situation, we recommend choosing an amount somewhere in the range of $250-500 for this limit
• Where will each of you be staying?
  • Align where you stay with who you are disclosing the break to and who you are not
  • You need to consider your children’s needs here if you have them
    • The best scenario for the children is that they sleep in their own bed seven nights a week, and the parents switch in and out of the home
    • You can pose to the children that they get to have sleepovers at certain people’s homes (i.e., where one parent is staying) on the weekends. However, during the school year, stability and structure are of the utmost importance to children and their development, which is why during the week, the children should sleep in their own beds.
    • If this scenario is not possible, the children should have a space they can call their own in each of the homes that they will be sleeping in each night.
    • Depending on their age, they should have a dedicated space where they can do their schoolwork and put their things (i.e., clothes, toys, etc.). In addition, each of the homes they will be living in should have certain comforts they are familiar with (e.g., a particular stuffed animal, a game system, specific foods they like, etc.)
    • The children are in control of where they’d like to stay. Children are more perceptive than we think! Whether they have the language to express it or not, children know what they need most of the time. Therefore, if they express sadness or fear of staying at one home over the other, it is okay to comfort them and challenge them to face their fears. However, if this is a reoccurring feeling, take your child’s lead and let them choose where they’d like to stay.

• • Although family and close friends can be super supportive during these times, we do not recommend sharing much information with them. Your family and close friends will almost always choose your side. It is difficult to stay objective in your thoughts and feelings when working on your relationship when you have a family member speaking ill of your partner. If you choose to share this information with your family or close friends, set a boundary with them that you do not want them to speak negatively about your partner. Set expectations that you are trying to work on the relationship and that you need them to support the relationship, not just you.
• What will social events look like that are already planned or that you get invited to as a couple moving forward?
  • Do you retract your RSVP?
  • Do you go and save face with others and act cordially to one another?
  • Do you politely decline future invites for the time being?
  • Do you split your time?
    • If it is one partner’s friend/family, then that partner goes, and the other does not?
  • How do you act at these events? Do you speak to one another? Do you show up together or individually? Do you leave together? How is the time to go decided?
• Anything else that this list does not cover, take the space to write it out here:

Taking a break from your relationship If you have children:

• Discuss the message that you want to convey to them. Then, agree on a time to sit down with your children to share this message.
  • We recommend creating safety for the child that they are loved and cared for and that this has nothing to do with them.
  • Instill hope for the future that everything will work itself out (do NOT give them hope that their parents will stay together, as that may not be the case)
• Agree on a process to use when the children ask questions of one parent, but the other is not present.
  • Your goal here is to stay as a team and be able to co-parent efficiently and effectively
  • While it may feel good to say yes to your child, the long-term effects of one parent saying yes and the other saying no can be confusing primarily to your children and create future problems.
• What does family time look like?
  • Do you spend time as a family unit, or do the children spend individual time with each parent?
  • Is it out in public or at home?
• How will visitations go?
  • Frequency
  • Place of drop-offs
  • How long will the visitations be
  • We recommend setting up a schedule that can be consistent for the children.
  • Set a schedule that works for the children’s schedule
    • Do drop off before their bedtime
    • Make sure your break won’t impact their extra-curricular activities
    • Make sure they’ll be able to eat at appropriate times

• Is there anywhere off limits that the children should not go?
• Is there anyone off limits that the children should not see?
• Think about getting your child a therapist.
• Anything else that this list does not cover, write it out here:

Again, we know that you are not taking the idea of taking a break lightly. If you’ve read this far, you have a good idea of what your break can entail. However, it’s not always as easy as reading a tip on taking breaks and applying it. If you find yourself having issues or the couple having problems communicating on any of these topics, you may benefit from having a couples therapist guide you in what will work best for each of you and the couple for taking a break. Please feel free to reach out and get the help of our couples therapists in Philadelphia, PA.

Depression

If you’re struggling , you’re not alone. Millions of people around the world face this challenge every day. Managing depression involves more than just dealing with its symptoms; it’s about finding effective ways to improve your life. Building a strong support network, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, and seeking professional help are key steps to coping with depression. Therapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT) can help by addressing negative thoughts and improving social interactions

is a mental health condition that is prevalent on a global scale. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), it is stated that 264 million people across the world have some version of depression. Additionally, it is indicated by the WHO that depression is considered to be a disability, and due to the millions of people affected by it, a leading cause of disability throughout the world. While depression is more common in women, it should still be noted that depressive symptoms can develop for anyone regardless of gender identity. While mental health issues and their presentations can vary from person to person, some commonplace symptoms of depression have been noted. Some symptoms can include low mood, no longer feeling interested or enjoyment in activities, reduced/increased time sleeping, and notably less energy.

Additionally, people fighting depression can experience loss of appetite, low feelings of self-worth or guilt, or difficulty concentrating. Depression can be a co-occurring condition, with some people also having symptoms of anxiety.  While depression can impact people with all sorts of lived experiences, there have been correlations found. According to the WHO, people who have experienced adverse events are more at risk for developing depression. Examples of adverse events could be experiences that are psychologically/physically/emotionally traumatic, experiencing unemployment, being raised in a one-parent home, divorce, low socioeconomic status, oppression, chronic illness, intellectual disabilities, or loss of a loved one leading to bereavement. There are treatments that people can participate in to manage depression symptoms. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) looks at people’s thought patterns in their everyday lives, which can be impacted by depression, such as a person seeing their world through a more negative lens. These negative lenses can lead people to see their world with a degree of negativity that might not be necessarily accurate, and lead to major depressive disorder. When a person experiences depressive symptoms in their life, it can impact their relationships and those who care about them. Interpersonal psychotherapy (IP) looks at how depressive symptoms can impact a person’s social functioning. Speaking to the importance of socializing, Interpersonal psychotherapy can also be done in a group therapy setting. 

Different types of therapy for treating depressive symptoms

• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)- This theoretical model emphasizes the thought patterns of a client and how said thoughts impact their subsequent behaviors. For some people, depressive symptoms can include having thought patterns that can cause people to see themselves, other people, and the world around them through a lens that is negative in its interpretation of events. A therapist using CBT would work with a client to target what thought and behavioral patterns they’d like to change. The goal would be to replace negative or maladaptive thought-behavioral patterns with more positive and/or adaptive patterns. These adaptive thought-behavioral patterns would work towards reducing depressive symptoms. 
• Interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT) has been proven to be another effective model of psychotherapy for treating depression. Originally utilized to treat adults with depression it is also found to be effective in treating adolescents, as well as children. This therapeutic model highlights how depression can be related to a person’s interpersonal relationships. To start off, IPT is used with the client to help them reduce their symptoms and also work to improve their adjustments in socializing. For long-term goals, IPT seeks to work on respective adjustment issues. The overall goal is to help the client to manage depression by adding in the client’s coping skills and create reductions in their depressive symptoms.

Additionally, medications categorized as antidepressants such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs) have demonstrated effectiveness. There are also non-medical and non-clinical depression coping mechanisms that have been found to be effective. Your therapist will help you elaborate a customized treatment plan to cope with depression. 

Manage depressive symptoms learning coping mechanisms for depression

• maintain a strong social support network
• maintain a healthy lifestyle
• lean on your social network to talk through low mood
• exercise has been found to increase a person’s mood, so an action as commonplace as going for a 30-minute walk could be beneficial, to an intensive workout at the gym, or playing a sport. 
• challenge yourself mentally or physically
• follow a healthy diet, feed your body nutrient-dense food (focus on gut health) 
  • Making small changes to your diet can make huge differences in how you feel! 
  • Consumption of alcoholic beverages, for example, should be monitored if one is experiencing a bout of depression. While alcohol in small quantities can act as a stimulant that can improve mood, alcohol consumed in large quantities (i.e., binge drinking) acts as a depressant. When consumed in heavy quantities, alcohol can actually cause a person to feel more intense symptoms of depression.
  • 90% of a person’s serotonin receptors are stored in their gut. Serotonin helps to regulate mood, appetite, sleep, and cognitive functions such as memory and learning.  
    • An example of this relationship is when a person is prescribed antidepressants, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI). The most common side effects of these medications are gut-related such as gastrointestinal issues, diarrhea, and nausea.
  • Depression may cause you to crave sugary foods, which can wreak havoc on your gut biome while tricking your brain into thinking it’s serotonin. This can also play a role in your gaining weight, which may create self-esteem issues.
  • Alternatively, some people with depression lose their appetite, therefore people who have this eating pattern are at risk of becoming underweight. This can cause unhealthy stress on your body, screw up your metabolism, and for females cause a loss in your menses. 
  • stay away from pre-packaged or processed foods. These types of foods are high in preservatives and food additives, which cause disruptions to healthy bacteria in a person’s gut. 
  • Eating enough fiber,  probiotic-rich foods, and fermented foods are useful in maintaining a healthy gut. Additionally, eating less red meat and more lean poultry, and a balance of seafood is recommended on a weekly basis. Organic produce can also be helpful in having a healthier gut and ultimately improving one’s overall mood. 
• People with depression can sometimes experience unhealthy sleep patterns. It can also be beneficial that a person who has depressive symptoms has a regular routine or daily schedule. An example of this would be to have a set bedtime. Giving yourself stability throughout your day can work against the sometimes debilitating effects of having depression. 
• meditate and reduce negative thoughts
• see a therapist/attend support group therapy
• use medications/supplements
• journal
• keep a gratitude journal
• sit in your emotions to process them as they come up
• process past experiences that may be leading to the depressed mood
• channel forgiveness where it is needed (to others and yourself)

Seeking professional help for depressive symptoms

Unfortunately, depression can sometimes cause people to feel anxious or be in a low mood. This can cause people to avoid doing activities that they perceive as difficult or experience a lack of interest in things.

There are multiple ways in which people with can cope with their depression and symptoms. However, when in the throes of depression, it can be difficult to find the motivation for change. If you know you slide into depressive bouts, when you are feeling good, set yourself up for success for the times when you are feeling more depressed. Have a support system that can check in on you, find a therapist that you start working with and continue to do during your more depressed times, identify grounding techniques that you can use, or get yourself in a routine.  If you have tried these techniques but still struggle to overcome depression when it sets in, you are not alone.

As mentioned, having a depression therapist to help you through these tough times can be super helpful! We are here to help. Please call to make an appointment at 267-495-4951. 

The post I Need a Break from my Relationship, Is It Okay? appeared first on The Better You Institute.

1. “The Holiday Talk” for the Couple

2.   Agree to Disagree about the Holidays as a Couple

3.   Couple = Family

4.   Use Each Other As a Shield

5.   Self-Care

6. Limit Substances

7. What day is it today?

Relationship Holidays: Navigate Holidays As a Couple!

The post 7 Relationship Holidays Tips on How To Navigate Holidays As a Couple appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Learn to identify how narcissists manipulate their partners with excessive affection, only to withdraw and abuse them later. Recognizing signs like inconsistent behavior, boundary violations, and a need for constant admiration can help you avoid or escape such abusive relationships. Maintaining personal boundaries and seeking therapy are important for emotional well-being and healthy relationships. If you suspect you’re caught in this cycle, take action now to protect yourself and seek support.

What is narcissist love bombing?

Love bombing is when you are showered with non-stop gifts, compliments, and attention. This begins a cycle of psychological abuse where the love bomber withholds love and attention to manipulate you. Being showered with love can feel so good! It can be an instant confidence boost to feel so wanted and appreciated by someone. Yet, something doesn’t feel sincere. You can’t put your finger on it, but it’s there. You may have become your partner’s narcissistic supply’ (i.e., a fix to boost their ego). 

An Example of The Narcissistic Abuse Love Bombing Cycle

Stage One: Love Bombing

To give you an example of love bombing, I will tell you the story of Andrea. Andrea had been dating her boyfriend, Mike, for about a year. She recently ended the relationship due to him cheating on her. After the breakup, Mike started showering her with the most beautiful love letters she’s ever been given, along with thoughtful expensive gifts. Andrea was at once swept away, yet suspicious. Mike had never acted like this in their relationship, not even in the beginning. His character was inconsistent; He was hot and cold.

Andrea’s attempts to understand Mike’s new behaviors left her confused. His grandiose gestures felt manic to Andrea. Mike was attempting to recapture their love at an unnatural pace. Andrea felt overwhelmed by this attention to the point where she found herself disoriented.

Mike’s new behaviors, though confusing, left Andrea feeling hopeful, but she needed space to process her feelings accurately. However, Mike would not give Andrea the space she needed. He feared that Andrea’s space would create distance between them, and she would leave him again, which would be detrimental to his self-esteem. Andrea’s rejection was a blow to his fragile ego. He needed Andrea back to feel good about himself (i.e., Mike needed a narcissistic supply).

Logically, Andrea knew this push/pull cycle would continue. Yet, torn because, on an emotional level, she wanted the love that Mike promised her. There was a part of her that felt loved by the actions he was taking. However, she saw ahead to the endless cycle of Mike resorting back to lousy behavior once he got bored and then begging for her back once she leaves.

Stage Two: Devalue

Andrea attempted to set a boundary. She reached out to Mike, stating that she cares for Mike but that it wouldn’t be possible for her to trust him again. She would not like to get back together, and she would also appreciate it if he stopped contacting her. Mike continued to pursue her despite her explicit request that he stop contacting her. He became enraged. How could she reject him after he had spent so much time and money on her to get her back? He persisted and stated to Andrea that she didn’t “know who she was messing with” and would “never get another guy like him.” Andrea blocked him on all forms of communication platforms. Then the gifts in the mail started. Mike started sending gifts that were over the top and, at times, bizarre.

Andrea would only unblock Mike briefly to ask him again to please leave her alone for good. She even threatened to go to the police. The gifts kept coming in the mail and were getting weirder. Mike felt entitled to Andrea’s attention, and her refusal to respond enraged him. The devaluing process of the narcissistic abuse love bombing cycle had begun with Mike not respecting Andrea’s boundaries, threatening her, and putting her down. The narcissistic devaluation phase is clear when he objectified her to feed his ego. 

Stage 3: Discard

If Andrea had fallen for his narcissistic love bomb, Mike would have started his narcissistic relationship patterns all over again. The narcissistic emotional abuse cycle would go like this: Love bomb → devalue –> discard → hoover. Following Mike’s love bomb, he would have begun to devalue her through criticisms, gaslighting, and passive-aggressive jokes. After pent-up tension, some form of an explosion would occur, potentially leading to the relationship being discarded and/or Mike cheating on Andrea again. 

Stage 4: Hoovering

After discarding the relationship, the person driving the narcissistic abuse cycle will likely hoover. Hoovering involves various manipulative tactics to stay close to the survivor; Examples include: insincere apologies, reaching out randomly, reaching out on important dates, desperately needing help, making grandiose promises, etc. If you recognize that you are in the hoovering part of the abuse cycle, the best thing you can do to protect yourself is to end contact, and hopefully, the narcissist will find a new supply source to feed their ego.

Check List of Warning Signs for The Narcissistic Abuse Love Bombing Cycle 

Things to look for in your partner:

• Is there something about the person’s character that seems inconsistent? Are they hot and cold – One day, they are clingy and smothering, and the next day they ignore your calls/texts?
• Does the pacing of the relationship make sense?

• When they give you compliments, do they feel like they’re somewhat about themselves? For example: That shirt I bought you looks good on you; I have excellent taste, huh!? 
• Does this person seem possessive and checks in all the time but frames it that they are doing it for your safety? 
• They violate your boundaries: you set a limit such as: “I’m not ready for you to meet my children yet, please do not come over to my house this weekend,” and then your narcissistic partner stops by to “surprise” you in the middle of the day with candy for your children. Or, you ask them not to contact you and state that you will reach out at night after your children have gone to bed, but they call you several times throughout the day to ask what you’re doing. 
• Are they short-tempered or frequently become excessively angry? 
• Do they cut you off while you’re talking despite them asking you a question? 
• Are they demeaning/critical toward you? 
• Do they have a high sense of grandeur seeming full of themselves without much to back it up? 
• Do they constantly need reassurance and praise?
• Are they entitled? 
• Do they use their loved ones (family, friends)? 

Things to pay attention to within yourself: 

• Do you feel overwhelmed /disoriented by the attention?
• Are you not given the space to process your feelings properly?
• Is your intuition/gut giving you pause about pursuing the relationship with this person?
• Do you feel criticized or small within the relationship? 
• Do you feel a sense of autonomy or agency within this relationship?
• When you have hope for positive things in the relationship, do they come to fruition, or are you often left lead on and disappointed? 
• Are you starting not to trust yourself?
• Do your boundaries feel violated regularly?

Healthy versus Unhealthy Relationships

Not all partners sending you love letters and flowers are narcissistically love bombing. To be love bombed is to be included in the narcissistic abuse cycle often associated with the abuser having a narcissistic personality disorder. Think back to the red flags discussed above. In a healthy relationship, both partners will consent to the pace. Love will build over time as you learn about and accept each other’s strengths and flaws. 

In a healthy relationship, there is:

• Equal respect, trust, and honesty
• You can enjoy spending time away from each other
• Your choices are mutual
• Each person feels like an equal partner in finances

In contrast, in an unhealthy relationship, there is typically an imbalance of power. One of the partners may feel entitled to overstep the other person’s boundaries in the abuse cycle. 

Things to watch out for in an abusive love bombing relationship:

• Controlling behaviors
• Isolating you from friends or family
• Feeling entitled to all of your passwords and content of conversations
• Accusing you of cheating and then making you prove your trustworthiness
• gas-lighting (manipulating someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity)

In Closing, Protect Yourself from Love Bombing

You never need to give up your sense of physical/emotional safety and security for another’s comfort. Are you ignoring your boundaries and needs in favor of someone else’s? No rationale makes that okay. Even if you think you are helping the person, you may be giving them the message that their actions are ok. A relationship should be mutually satisfying. Be sure to check in with your feelings regularly. If you find yourself worrying about your partner’s happiness more than your own, then do some reflecting, it could be an abusive relationship. Once you’ve reflected, try to restore a sense of balance by setting boundaries. Gauge your partner’s reactions to your limitations or expectations. If your partner tries to intimidate you into a power imbalance, then it may be time for you to move on.

If you are struggling to find balance in your relationship or, after having read this article, are fearing you are caught in an abuse cycle and need help getting out, you might benefit from talking with an individual therapist or a relationship therapist in Philadelphia, PA. If you do not live in the Philadelphia area, we also offer online relationship therapy & counseling sessions. Please feel free to reach out to us for a consultation with the contact form below.

Read our article about the children of narcissists to find out how your children may be affected!

Contact us for a therapist in Philadelphia.

Courtney Miller, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a warm, empathetic approach, specializing in children, teens, and young adults, including the LGBTQ+ community. Utilizing her artistic background, she employs creative and experiential methods in therapy. Courtney focuses on overcoming mood disorders, trauma, and relational dynamics, particularly addressing C-PTSD and narcissistic wounds. She emphasizes understanding patterns and enhancing existing strengths, offering tools like mindfulness and thought reframing. With a BA in Psychology and Fine Art from SUNY New Paltz and an MA in Mental Health Counseling from CUNY Brooklyn, she has experience in family dynamics and LGBTQ+ youth support. Based in Philadelphia, Courtney enjoys crafting, travel, biking, and spending time with loved ones.

Learn more about Courtney Miller ⇒

The post Narcissist Love Bombing Cycle and Narcissistic Abuse appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Congratulations on your engagement! Also, what a great gift you are giving yourself by seeking out premarital help and asking yourself premarital counseling questions.

So often, our society takes a reactive stance on how to solve problems. By discussing topics in the premarital phase of your relationship, you are taking a proactive stance. In doing so, you will have the tools to help you work through any significant issue that may come up in your relationship. Further, you will deepen your connection with one another by having a deeper understanding of one another, compassion for each other, and being vulnerable in front of one another.

It would be best if you discussed several topics during the premarital phase before you take the plunge into marriage. Once you have covered these topics through [uninterrupted] discussions, you should have a solid base for connection, what to expect, and how to work through issues as they come up. This list is not exhaustive. Feel free to add topics that you think are pertinent to your life together (leave them in the comments section, too!). Understand that you are not locked into anything after these conversations. They are to guide you as you move forward with one another. These conversations can (and should) be revisited throughout your relationship. What you decide today may not serve you in five years. Keep an ongoing, open dialogue about these topics as you move forward in your relationship.

While having these premarital conversations, try to keep an open mind. Try not to get defensive or shut down. If you do, that’s okay. Acknowledge your feelings with your partner, take time to discuss where they are coming from, validate one another, and move on in the conversation. These topics are for you to learn and grow, not for you to become gridlocked. At times throughout these conversations, you may have to compromise. You can begin to figure out what that looks like for the two of you.

Some of these topics are quite heavy in nature. Do not try to get through the whole list in one evening. Instead, set aside a chunk of time (1-2 hours) where you are uninterrupted (turn your phones on silent, go for a walk where you won’t have household chores distracting you, get a babysitter, etc.). Pick one topic to tackle at a time. Continue to put time aside and tackle each topic separately.

Premarital Counseling Questions and Topics:

Premarital Questions about Finances

• What is each of your financial goals?
  • How does each of you save?
  • How does each of you spend?
• How do you discuss what you’re doing with your money?
• What is the threshold that needs to be discussed with your partner before you can spend (e.g., anything over $xx needs to be discussed and agreed upon)
• How much money is enough? Aka, we will push ourselves hard at our job until we make xx money/year, or is it more about job title for you, or is it more about how much you have in savings?
• Will you be combining your money?
• How will this look –
  • Each of you will give up your personal bank account?
  • Each of you will still have your own bank account?
  • Why do you want it this way?
• Will we be getting a pre or postnup?
  • What are your reasons for wanting one?
  • What are your reasons for not wanting one?
  • What do you think would be on it?

Premarital Questions about Children

• Do you want children?
• When do you want to start trying for children?
• How many children do you want?
• What happens if we reach our limit of how many children we want, but we do not have both sexes? For example, we wanted two children, but my husband really wants a girl, and we have two boys. Do we try for a girl and have three children, or do we stop?
• Who is responsible for the majority of parenting (don’t settle on sharing 50/50)? It’s seldom 50/50, even for same-sex couples).
• How will we handle discipline?
• How will we handle rewards?
• When our child asks just one of us for something, how will we handle it?
  • Is there a level of asking that is okay to answer on my own vs. deciding with you if it’s alright or not? (i.e., if the child can go outside vs. if the child can sleepover at a friend’s house).
• What is important to us as parents in how we raise our children?
• If we find out our child won’t be healthy/fully Abled during the pregnancy, how will we handle this?
• What tests will we opt-in/out of during the pregnancy?
  • Finding out the sex of the baby
  • Tests that indicate the health/Ability of the baby
• How we handle it if our child isn’t completely Abled?
• What if our child has a different sexual orientation than ours?
• What if our child identifies as a different gender than their sex?
• What precautions will we take not to become pregnant when we aren’t ready?
• What happens if we get pregnant and we aren’t ready?
• How will you know you’re ready? Emotionally, Financially, Physically, etc.
• Would you ever consider getting an abortion?

Premarital Questionnaire about Values and Beliefs

• Please read this article and go through the list of core values they provide.
• Think about the story you want to write for yourself. How does your partner fit into that story? How do you fit into your partner’s story?
• How do you work through areas where your values/beliefs may not fully align?
• What happens when your emotions (fears, anxieties, comfort, sadness/depression, etc.) get in the way of your values?
• What role do we want technology to play in our relationship?
  • How often do we want to be “unplugged.”
  • When is it appropriate to be on our phones or using our computers?
• Do we volunteer? How much, how often, to what organizations?
• What value does sex have in our relationship?
• What value does independence/alone time have in our relationship?
• What value does self-care hold for us?

What Does Faith/Spirituality/Religion Mean to You?

• How do you express these things?
• What traditions do you carry out based on these?
• What are your expectations for me concerning these?
• What are your limitations with these?

Family Values and Traditions/Extended Family

• What are the traditions you grew up with that you’d like to continue doing in your newly established family?
• What are the traditions that you don’t like that you’d like to discontinue?
• Are there any new traditions that you want to start as we move forward in our relationship?
• Are there any values/beliefs that your family holds that you do not?
  • How does that affect your relationship with them?
  • What would you like your partner’s role to be when it comes to this discord?
  • What do you want your role to be concerning your partner’s discord with their family’s values/beliefs?
• How will we spend holidays/birthdays/special occasions?
• How does your family handle conflict? Do you mirror these behaviors?
• How does your family show love? Do you mirror these behaviors?
• Do you think your family is more matriarchal or patriarchal?
  • Do you want this set up for our family?

Premarital Counseling Questions about Personal Time

• What are your hobbies?
  • Is there a limit to the cost of hobbies?
• How much alone time do you need? What does that look like for you?
• How much together time do you need? What is your ideal for this?
• How do you give love?
• How do you receive love?
• How do you handle change? What supports do you need during a time of change?
• What are your lifelong goals? What supports do you need from me to get there?
• Do you enjoy independence and autonomy more/less than togetherness?

Career Goals Questions for Premarital Couples

• How do you measure success in your career – money, job title, work/life balance, flexibility, etc.?
• What do your career goals mean for the couple when one or both partners is pushing forward in their career?
  • What needs to be in place?
  • What will be sacrificed?
• What do your career goals mean for the couple when one or both partners is staying stagnant?
  • What supports are needed?
• Who will be the breadwinner, who will be a childcare person? (Usually, one person can’t do both.)

Premarital Counseling Questions: How Do You Want to Live?

• Rural/urban
• Vacations – how many, where, what activities, how much in savings do we need?
• Will we own animals? Which ones?
• Who has what responsibilities? Chores, finances, breadwinning, childcare, elderly care (for your parents or older loved ones)
• What level of cleanliness do you need to feel comfortable in your own home/car?
• Needing the newest, top-of-the-line of everything, or needing the things that help us get by?
• What style do you enjoy – modern, classic, farmhouse chic, industrial, etc.
• What is your preferred noise level (e.g., having music in the background or the TV on, or do you enjoy a silent home)

What Are Things You Are Not Willing to Compromise on?

What are things that Annoy You About Me? What do You Love About Me?

• How can I change this?
• What if it’s something I can’t change?
• Are there things that you need me to change?
• What do you love about me that you never want me to change?

When do you feel most connected to me?

• What is present?
• What is absent?

Couple Communication Techniques and Styles

• Who is the chaser, who is the distancer? Usually, one partner will push for conversation while the other leans away from it.
• Do you need downtime to process, or do you need to problem-solve right away?
• Label – contempt; criticism; defensiveness; or stonewalling then reframe and eliminate these unhealthy communication patterns
• Do you tend to be assertive, aggressive passive, passive-aggressive? Work towards assertiveness.
• How quick are we to apologize?
• How quick are we to forgive?
• Do we tend to avoid hard conversations?
  • Is there something now that we should discuss that we have been putting off?
• Do we talk about sex? If not, why not?
• Do we have a set time to discuss our relationship, or do we have it throughout the week as things come up organically?
• What role, if any, does raising our voices have in our conversations?
• What nonverbal cues should I be tuned into as you speak?
• What do you need when you become emotional? Space, physical touch, validation, reassurance?
  • How will you tell me what you need?
• What emotions do you struggle to express to me?
• What emotions are easy to express to me?
• How can I let you know that I hear and see you?

Expectations of Marriage

• What do you expect to change?
• What do you expect to be different?
• What do you expect to stay the same?
• Where do you see us in 1-year, 5-years, 10-years, 20-years, 40-years, etc.?
• Are there things you’ve heard from others that you need to give up and don’t want?
• Are there things you’ve heard from others you need to take on as a committed partner you’re excited about?
• What do you expect my role as your wife/husband to be?
• What do you expect your role as wife/husband to be?

Past Disappointments of Relationship

• Have we resolved these issues?
• If we haven’t resolved them, what is our plan for getting through them?

The Meaning of Marriage and Commitment

• What does marriage mean to you?
• What does committed mean to you?
• Have you ever cheated?
• What will happen if one of us cheats?
• Are you open to getting outside help if we run into commitment issues/if divorce is on the table?

How do we Handle Change?

• Who tends to be the better adjuster?
• Are there certain topics/experiences we adjust better to?
• What is our process for becoming comfortable in the new?

Once you have completed discussing each premarital topic on the list, continue to put uninterrupted time aside to check in with one another. Successful couples have an open dialogue where they can be honest with one another if things aren’t going well and certainly try to be transparent as possible when things are going well. You’ve started a pattern of giving yourselves 1-2 hours of uninterrupted time already; continue this tradition as you enter into marriage.

If you think you could benefit from having a third party to guide you through these conversations, we offer Premarital Therapy & Counseling. Give us a call at 267-495-4951 to set up your first appointment. We now offer online couples and marriage counseling if you live farther away or one-on-one counseling is not for you.

The post Premarital Counseling Questions for a Successful Marriage appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Being a newly engaged couple is exciting but can also be overwhelming. As you start planning your wedding, it’s important to stay united as a couple. Make decisions together, set boundaries with family, and prioritize your relationship. Communication is key. Discuss your vision for the wedding and your financial situation openly. Remember to balance wedding planning with spending quality time together. Take breaks from planning to reconnect and enjoy each other’s company. If you need support, our blogs can give you some ideas to handle this and other situations, and consider talking to a couples therapist, to enjoy this special part of your life. 

The Rules of Engagement

The cardinal rule you should have together as a newly engaged couple is that you need to be a solid duo throughout the entire process. What do we mean by that? The newly engaged couple needs to have each other’s back, they need to decide on things together, and they need to put their relationship and each other first. The couple must establish their own rules at the very beginning of the planning phases.

Examples of rules for a Newly Engaged Couple:

• ​”Before saying yes/no to anything, come to me first so we can decide together” OR “you are the primary decision-maker, I will be the person who runs the errands to put it all together” OR “We will split tasks depending on our availability and interest in the activity/choices.”
• Who will be the point person to have conversations with parents/in-laws?
  • Do we have a conversation together with them?
  • Do we have the conversation on our own, and then whoever’s family member will be the point person to talk to them?
  • Do we have a wedding planner that is our middleman?
• What is our wedding philosophy?
  • Do we want it to be a representation of all of our families?
  • Do we want to have fun with family and friends, and we don’t care about the details?
  • Are we trying to make a statement with our wedding?
  • What is our major driver in planning this wedding?
    • Budget
    • Statement Wedding/Vision
    • Spending time with loved ones
    • Party
  • What is our vision, and what are we willing to compromise on for others involved (i.e., parents/in-laws, religious leader)?
  • Discuss how to hold one another accountable, how to check one another when things go array, and how to stay connected.
  • Identify discretionary time where you get to be a couple that isn’t doubling as wedding planners.

Advice for Newly Engaged Couples: Meet the Parents

We all hope that our parents get along with our soon-to-be in-laws, but the reality of that happening can be rare, especially when both sides are putting out large sums of money and emotions are running rampant. Everyone wants to put their 2 cents in. Weddings are a joyous occasion! Try not to lose sight of that in the hodgepodge of tedious planning.

Choose your battles

 Pick and choose your battles and remind your family members to do the same. How important is it to have ivory chair covers over eggshell chair covers at the end of the day? Create a scale for family members to rate 0-100 of importance. If your mother-in-law puts flowers at a 90 and your mother puts them at a 10, give that decision to your mother-in-law.

Balance is key

Your father may have been dreaming for years now of relaxing with his closest friends, the ones who looked out for you as you were growing up, on a veranda smoking a cigar. Let him have that. You may have to balance this with something that your father-in-law wants. Addressing the needs of each family member and allowing them to feel heard will lead to more compliance with you and with each other.

The necessary adjustment phase

If your families disagree right from the start, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Look at wedding planning as an adjustment phase. You and your fiancé should be switching your alignment and priorities from your parents and siblings to your soon-to-be spouse. Parents are in the mindset that they have the primary influence over you. Further, sharing that influence may be challenging and is an adjustment for them. Utilize this time to establish new boundaries with your family where your relationship with your fiancé becomes the priority.

The challenge comes when an individual’s knee-jerk reaction is to rely on their parent’s advice as they’ve done for so long in the past. Having transparent conversations with your partner can help mitigate the need to get support from your family. If you and your fiancé have discussed what the two of you want and have an open line of communication, you’ll find more comfort in coming to your fiancé for support and for making decisions with them over the comfort of your family members.

The trick is setting the boundaries and honoring them. Remember, your alliance is now to your partner and your relationship with them. Parents are going to push (understandably so if they’re contributing money to the wedding). Remind family members that it’s your wedding and you want it to be a representation of your combined love. Reference the wedding philosophy that you and your fiancé created in the beginning. Stay strong with your boundaries. Utilize the 0-100 scale of importance.

Adjustment phases are laborious, and there will be a kickback. Your in-law may insist on having a sushi table despite you not eating fish. Or, your mother might be going overboard with the flowers. Did you and your partner decide that your parents can have whatever they want as long as they pay for it? Or, did you determine the look you’re going for, and despite wanting to please your parents, you want to honor your partner and the couple’s wishes? Stick to the rules you created at the beginning of your wedding planning process as a newly engaged couple.

Controversy is expected

When faced with controversy, be a united front. Have a detailed and concrete conversation with the family members making requests and with your partner. First, discuss the issue at hand with your fiancé. Come to a resolution that fits the two of you. Then, stand by your rules for protocol with communication. Next, sit down with the family member that wants something and have a conversation with them. Acknowledge the family member’s desires and validate their experience while also sticking to the resolution you’ve decided on with your partner.

Newly Engaged Couples Finances

Your love is beautiful, but sometimes it doesn’t fall in line with your finances. The unsexy reality is that a wedding and marriage is a financial decision. Before setting your date and picking your venue, sit with your accountant or financial advisor and see where a wedding will fit into your 1 or 5-year plan.

Financial Questions to get you started as a newly engaged couple:

• Discuss what will be different about filing as a married person versus a single person.
• Where does buying a home fit into this?
• Are taxes and down payments different if you’re single or married?
• What is your partner’s FICO score?
• Do they have any debt, how much, and from what?
• What assets do they have?
• Do you need a new car soon?
• Are you switching jobs?
• What does your healthcare look like?
• Is it to the couple’s benefit to get a prenuptial agreement?
  • Understand thoroughly why each partner does or does not want a prenuptial.
  • What’s the tone you’re setting for the marriage?

These topics are the humdrum details of becoming a unit with your partner that needs to be discussed.

Here is a list of 24 more questions for newly engaged couples!

Having help from parents to pay for a wedding is great but it doesn’t always cover the whole wedding. Often, couples are left pinching pennies and living a lifestyle they aren’t happy with just to have a dream wedding. Understand that you will have to have discussions about finances and lifestyle changes if you choose this route, and frustrations may run high.

Make a budget and stick to it the best you can. Be prepared that you may go over budget as you get wooed by wedding intricacies. Always make the financial decisions together and with the financer(s) (i.e., parents). If something significant comes up that switches your budget, take a step back and adjust for all of the other details that you know about to minimize any future surprises and major adjustments.

Connection

Like many life events – moving in together, buying a home, having a child, retirement – planning a wedding can take up a lot of your time, energy, and thoughts. Too easily do couples get sucked into a “wedding rut.” Couples go days (or even weeks!) where it seems like the only thing they talk or think about is wedding planning.  Being hyper-focused on the wedding can leave partners feeling a little neglected or like a bit of the spark in their relationship has faded. Sometimes your love takes a backseat to the details of wedding planning, which can feel surreal if you hold expectations that your love should be the most important thing throughout the process.

Challenge yourself not to let your love take a backseat. Take a night off where you’re not allowed to talk about details of the wedding. Go on a date. Remember why you’re marrying each other in the first place! Connect in the way that you connected before you started planning the wedding. Remember old inside jokes or get back to your routine that didn’t involve looking at cake toppers or seating arrangements for 2 hours. See our blog on the truth about couples therapy for more information.

Bringing us back to the cardinal rule as a newly engaged couple, stay connected with one another and stand by your partner. Make sure the two of you are on the same page. Check in with your partner before making promises to others if making changes. Lastly, enjoy this monumental time in your life that is just the beginning!

If you’ve found yourself intrigued by this tip and want the help of a trained couples therapist or counselor to guide you through the throes of engagement, we would love to help! Please, call us today to set up your FREE 15-minute phone consultation, 267-495-4951. We also offer online couples therapy and counseling for couples that do not have time to come to an office setting, or if you live further away!

The post Newly Engaged Couple: Advice for Just Engaged Couples appeared first on The Better You Institute.

If you want to learn to avoid common negative habits like criticism and defensiveness, introduce effective strategies like gentle startups and active listening. By using these practical tips, such as being mindful of your tone and body language and using “I” statements, you can foster a more loving and supportive communication dynamic with your partner.

If you want to improve your relationship and communicate more effectively, this guide provides valuable insights to help you connect more deeply and harmoniously.

Unhealthy Communication

The Four Horsemen: Dr. John Gottman identified four types of negative communication styles that couples fall victim to, which are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. According to Gottman’s research, these communication styles are extremely harmful to relationships. Gottman also discusses ways to combat these negative communication styles.

• Criticism – harsh judgment or disapproval, overanalyzing another in a cruel way; often attacking a person’s identity (vs. the behavior)
• Contempt – feeling/thinking you are better than your partner, disgusted or angered with them; often insulting or mocking your partner, or acting better than them
• Defensiveness – not taking ownership of your actions, putting the fault on another person or circumstance; often looking to your partner to take the blame
• Stonewalling – shutting down the conversation by becoming emotionally closed off or physically walking away

You overwhelm your partner with too much information: It can be hard to bring up your grievances right when they occur, so you just hold them in until the “time is right.” The problem with this is that you’ll end up flooding them with too much information, leading them to feel under attack or overwhelmed. Plus, this can add more stress to you by holding on to your thoughts and emotions for extended periods of time, risking you holding resentment toward your loved one, which can turn into passive-aggressive communication.

You wait for the “right time”: You don’t want to ruin the positive mood or start an argument. You’re not in the headspace to be vulnerable. You don’t think your partner can handle it this week with everything else they have going on. Whatever your reason is, you shy away from having difficult conversations. Unfortunately, there is no “right time” for discussing difficult issues that may bring up emotions by both partners. You can not control other people’s emotions. Pain is a natural, and sometimes beneficial, part of life. Putting yourself in a vulnerable position has the potential to be difficult, but it will make your relationship stronger in the long run.

You bring up the past: As one issue arrises, you are reminded of something from the past and bring up another past relationship problem to try to make a point in the current convesration. However, by doing so, you’re distracting from the current topic. Past conversations can absolutely come back up, especially if there are more emotions to the issue at large. However, past issues deserve their own conversation, not to be tagged in with a current issue.  

You point out things that your partner isn’t capable of changing: By pointing out things your partner can not change, you are telling them that you are unhappy with who they truly are. Unless these things are deal-breakers, you should stay away from bringing unnecessary negative attention to something your partner can not control. Examples of this might be about the way your partner looks or sound or their intellectual abilities.

Not recognizing when you are gridlocked: You’re going to have issues that are unsolvable. Continuing to fight over these issues will exhaust you and lead you nowhere. Identify what topics should be off-limits and stay away from them.

Lacking empathy/compassiona: When we are reeling in our own emotions it can be difficult to step into our partner’s experience and hold space for them. If we do not show up with empathy or compassion, it is easy to turn to Gottman’s Fourhorseman when we respond.

You lose sight of your partner’s strengths and your weaknesses: In the heat of the moment, it can be easy to focus solely on your partner’s flaws in contrast to all of their strengths. Unfortunately, by doing this, you are creating “you vs. them” mentality, which gets you stuck in contempt from the Four Horseman. Remember, you and your partner are a team, celebrate your differences and lean into each other’s strengths.

You bring family/friends into the discussions: Privacy within a relationship is important. Your friends and family are not unbiase. Therefore, they can not give you advice from an outsider’s perspective that is truly objective. Also, you need your loved ones on BOTH of your sides if you want your relationship to thrive.

You have difficult discussions over text/email: When you text/email, you are unable to hear your partner’s tone or missing nonverbals. You have a high risk of potentially blowing things out of proportion, being misrepresented, or losing information due to not having all forms of communication (i.e., nonverbal cues). Or, worse, you might say something you wouldn’t say in person because it feels less vulnerable via technology. If a vast majority of your conversations with your loved one are in person, then your difficult conversations should be too.

You have difficult discussions after you’ve been drinking or on drugs: Having an altered state of mind while having difficult discussions will only make it harder to control your emotions and to focus on improvement instead of blame. Further, you may not remember vital parts of the conversations that are imperative to forward movement.

Coming Into Loving Communication

Thankfully, there are many simple ways to adjust how you approach difficult conversations with your loved ones that will leave everyone feeling respected and understood. Here are some ways to improve your communication. 

The Four Horsemen: Yes, Gottman has determined that criticism contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are detrimental to relationships. However, he has also identified four ways to combat these within conversations.

• Criticism –> Gentle Startup: Bracing your partner for a difficult conversation, asking them if they’re in the right headspace, and being mindful of your tone of voice and body langauge are all examples of gentle startups.
• Contempt –> Shared Fondness and Admiration: pointing out something positive or a strength of your partner’s as you start the conversation can be helpful to tap into the love you have for them, leading with appreciation will decrease defenses
• Defensiveness –> Taking Ownership: looking inward to see what is yours in the experience to take responsibility for is super important to having a productive conversation, be open to feedback, keep an open mind and look at the conversation as a place to learn and grow
• Stonewalling –> Self-Soothing: feeling escalated and frozen is common, it’s part of our fight or flight mechanisms. Utilizing deep breathing, reframing, or body movement can be helpful in getting unfrozen and deactivated. Or, being upfront with needing space and putting a limit on the space (30 minutes, 1 day, etc.), and then following up with the conversation after space has been taken.

Active listening: Listening to hear not to respond is important in healthy communication. Active listening requires you to sit back and take in what your partner is saying before you create your response.

• Take turns speaking, do not cut one another off. 
• Reiterate what your partner said using “what I heard you say is…” and do not interpret their words—instead, mirror verbatim what your partner said. To hear your words back to you can be powerful. Your partner may realize what they said came out wrong. Mirroring allows them to make corrections if necessary. Mirroring also allows you to have more time to process what your partner has said and confirms that you heard everything they needed you to hear.
• You can then ask questions to clarify anything you don’t understand. Reiterating will also make your partner feel like you are truly listening to their concerns, and you respect their opinions, which they will likely do in return.

Be aware of your body language: Body language speaks volumes!

• Posture: Pay attention to your posture- is it open toward your partner or closed off? Facing your partner with your arms and legs open (uncrossed) and your chest up is a sign that you are open and ready to hear what they have to say.
• Facial Expressions: Your facial expressions are important, too. Even though you aren’t actively speaking, an eye roll or an angry glare could put your partner into attack/defense mode. Lack of eye contact may indicate discomfort or shame. Try to hold your gaze with soft eyes and a neutral face. 
• The tone of voice: How you say something is just as important as what you are saying, sometimes more so. No one wants to be talked down to. You have to be cautious of how you are speaking and whether your tone is coming off as too aggressive. When you’re caught up in the moment, having an awareness of your tone can be difficult. The more you reflect afterward, the easier it will get for you to put into practice at the moment, but it does take time to learn. Keep this in mind when you are practicing loving communication.
• Volume: The volume of your voice can send a lot of signals to your partner. If you’re too soft, you may be interpreted as disinterested or shut down. If you’re too loud, you may be interpreted as angry or aggressive. Many people carry trauma’s from others’ voice volume. Being mindful of your partner’s triggers is important in loving communication.

Ask for the floor: The potential for confrontation can feel hard. It takes a lot of courage to speak your mind freely about problems that upset you. Emotions can take over the strongest of us and can make it hard to keep your thoughts in order. Ask your partner for uninterrupted time to explain yourself. Helping you to stay calm without worrying about whether you’ll have space to get things completely off your chest. By taking the floor, your partner will have a chance to practice active listening. Remember, you also have to be willing to give your partner the floor if they ask. Respect and mutuality often breed more respect. 

“I” statements: Focus on your characteristics and emotions instead of pointing out what you think of your partner. Take ownership of your experience. For example, “When I hear you say ‘you wouldn’t touch me with a 10-foot pole’ as a joke in front of the kids, I feel embarrassed”  versus “You are such a jerk for making fun of me in front of the kids.”

Knowing when to step away and come back later: Sometimes, taking a breather is the right decision. Give yourself and your partner time to clear your heads so that you don’t end up saying something you’ll later regret in the heat of the moment. Always come back. Taking a break and leaving the conversation open is just as bad as not taking a break. There has to be follow-through with the conversation where both parties feel a resolve.

Recognizing a gridlock: In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to allow our emotions that take over and continue a conversation that is going nowhere. Ask yourself, when you are calmer, what are topics you do not enjoy discussing with your partner? Are these topics that could be enjoyed with someone else, but your partner just doesn’t have the same views as you, and, therefore, shouldn’t be a topic of interest between the two of you? For some couples, discussing topics like politics or social justice can be too difficult and do not bode well. Recognizing which conversations to have with one another versus a friend who aligns with your views on such topics is paramount to staying in a good place with your partner.

Have set check-ins: Set a time that works for both of you. Some couples do really well by setting specific times and days where they check in with one another. Sometimes these check-ins concentrate on the positives of the week within the relationship. Other times, these check-ins allow room for some of the negative interactions that have come up for each individual. By setting a specific time, each person can mentally prepare themselves to be in the right headspace and be an active listener and use their “I” statements. If you can’t commit to regular check-ins but have things you want to share with your partner, set up a time with them. It’s okay to ask to talk. Make it a time where both of you have each other’s undivided attention and can be in one another’s presence.

Using these tips will help you practice loving communication. Breaking nonproductive habits is difficult, and these skills won’t come overnight. If you find you’re still struggling to communicate in a way that is productive and feels good, call The Better You Institute (267-495-4951) to set up an appointment with a trained therapist.

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