If you have been in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, you may relate to the narcissistic abuse cycle that involves love bombing. Narcissistic traits involve grandiosity, lack of empathy, and a need for admiration to regulate a fragile sense of self and low self-esteem. In this article, we will go over what narcissistic love bombing is in the narcissistic abuse cycle and how to recognize love bombing so that you can avoid getting stuck in the abuse cycle.
Personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often develop from some form of abuse or neglect in early childhood development. Modeling of proper self-soothing or socialization didn’t happen for the afflicted individual. Due to the individual with NPD’s intense need to regulate their self-esteem, they ignore their partner’s boundaries in the relationship in favor of their needs. The person with NPD tends to crave control of their partner to regulate their self-esteem best. Typically, control is achieved through the love bombing cycle of abuse.
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What is love bombing?
Love bombing is when you are showered with non-stop gifts, compliments, and attention. This begins a cycle of abuse where the love bomber withholds love and attention to manipulate you. Being showered with love can feel so good! It can be an instant confidence boost to feel so wanted and appreciated by someone. Yet, something doesn’t feel sincere. You can’t put your finger on it, but it’s there. You may have become your partner’s narcissistic supply’ (i.e., a fix to boost their ego).
An Example of Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
Stage One: Love Bombing
To give you an example of love bombing, I will tell you the story of Andrea. Andrea had been dating her boyfriend, Mike, for about a year. She recently ended the relationship due to him cheating on her. After the breakup, Mike started showering her with the most beautiful love letters she’s ever been given, along with thoughtful expensive gifts. Andrea was at once swept away, yet suspicious. Mike had never acted like this in their relationship, not even in the beginning. His character was inconsistent; He was hot and cold.
Andrea’s attempts to understand Mike’s new behaviors left her confused. His grandiose gestures felt manic to Andrea. Mike was attempting to recapture their love at an unnatural pace. Andrea felt overwhelmed by this attention to the point where she found herself disoriented.
Mike’s new behaviors, though confusing, left Andrea feeling hopeful, but she needed space to process her feelings accurately. However, Mike would not give Andrea the space she needed. He feared that Andrea’s space would create distance between them, and she would leave him again, which would be detrimental to his self-esteem. Andrea’s rejection was a blow to his fragile ego. He needed Andrea back to feel good about himself (i.e., Mike needed a narcissistic supply).
Logically, Andrea knew this push/pull cycle would continue. Yet, torn because, on an emotional level, she wanted the love that Mike promised her. There was a part of her that felt loved by the actions he was taking. However, she saw ahead to the endless cycle of Mike resorting back to lousy behavior once he got bored and then begging for her back once she leaves.
Stage Two: Devalue
Andrea attempted to set a boundary. She reached out to Mike, stating that she cares for Mike but that it wouldn’t be possible for her to trust him again. She would not like to get back together, and she would also appreciate it if he stopped contacting her. Mike continued to pursue her despite her explicit request that he stop contacting her. He became enraged. How could she reject him after he had spent so much time and money on her to get her back? He persisted and stated to Andrea that she didn’t “know who she was messing with” and would “never get another guy like him.” Andrea blocked him on all forms of communication platforms. Then the gifts in the mail started. Mike started sending gifts that were over the top and, at times, bizarre.
Andrea would only unblock Mike briefly to ask him again to please leave her alone for good. She even threatened to go to the police. The gifts kept coming in the mail and were getting weirder. Mike felt entitled to Andrea’s attention, and her refusal to respond enraged him. The devaluing process of the narcissistic abuse cycle had begun with Mike not respecting Andrea’s boundaries, threatening her, and putting her down. He objectified her to feed his ego.
Stage 3: Discard
If Andrea had fallen for his narcissistic love bomb, Mike would have started his behaviors all over again. The narcissistic abuse cycle would go like this: Love bomb → devalue –> discard → hoover. Following Mike’s love bomb, he would have begun to devalue her through criticisms, gaslighting, and passive-aggressive jokes. After pent-up tension, some form of an explosion would occur, potentially leading to the relationship being discarded and/or Mike cheating on Andrea again.
Stage 4: Hoovering
After discarding the relationship, the person driving the narcissistic abuse cycle will likely hoover. Hoovering involves various manipulative tactics to stay close to the survivor; Examples include: insincere apologies, reaching out randomly, reaching out on important dates, desperately needing help, making grandiose promises, etc. If you recognize that you are in the hoovering part of the abuse cycle, the best thing you can do to protect yourself is to end contact, and hopefully, the narcissist will find a new supply source to feed their ego.
Check List of Warning Signs for Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
Things to look for in your partner:
- Is there something about the person’s character that seems inconsistent? Are they hot and cold – One day, they are clingy and smothering, and the next day they ignore your calls/texts?
- Does the pacing of the relationship make sense?
- When they give you compliments, do they feel like they’re somewhat about themselves? For example: That shirt I bought you looks good on you; I have excellent taste, huh!?
- Does this person seem possessive and checks in all the time but frames it that they are doing it for your safety?
- They violate your boundaries: you set a limit such as: “I’m not ready for you to meet my children yet, please do not come over to my house this weekend,” and then your partner stops by to “surprise” you in the middle of the day with candy for your children. Or, you ask them not to contact you and state that you will reach out at night after your children have gone to bed, but they call you several times throughout the day to ask what you’re doing.
- Are they short-tempered or frequently become excessively angry?
- Do they cut you off while you’re talking despite them asking you a question?
- Are they demeaning/critical toward you?
- Do they have a high sense of grandeur seeming full of themselves without much to back it up?
- Do they constantly need reassurance and praise?
- Are they entitled?
- Do they use their loved ones (family, friends)?
Things to pay attention to within yourself:
- Do you feel overwhelmed /disoriented by the attention?
- Are you not given the space to process your feelings properly?
- Is your intuition/gut giving you pause about pursuing the relationship with this person?
- Do you feel criticized or small within the relationship?
- Do you feel a sense of autonomy or agency within this relationship?
- When you have hope for positive things in the relationship, do they come to fruition, or are you often left lead on and disappointed?
- Are you starting not to trust yourself?
- Do your boundaries feel violated regularly?
Healthy versus Unhealthy Relationships
Not all partners sending you love letters and flowers are narcissistically love bombing you. Love bombing is a narcissistic abuse cycle often associated with the abuser having a narcissistic personality disorder. Think back to the red flags discussed above. In a healthy relationship, both partners will consent to the pace. Love will build over time as you learn about and accept each other’s strengths and flaws.
In a healthy relationship, there is:
- Equal respect, trust, and honesty
- You can enjoy spending time away from each other
- Your choices are mutual
- Each person feels like an equal partner in finances
In contrast, in an unhealthy relationship, there is typically an imbalance of power. One of the partners may feel entitled to overstep the other person’s boundaries in the abuse cycle.
Things to watch out for in an abusive relationship:
- Controlling behaviors
- Isolating you from friends or family
- Feeling entitled to all of your passwords and content of conversations
- Accusing you of cheating and then making you prove your trustworthiness
- gas-lighting (manipulating someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity)
In Closing, Protect Yourself
You never need to give up your sense of physical/emotional safety and security for another’s comfort. Are you ignoring your boundaries and needs in favor of someone else’s? No rationale makes that okay. Even if you think you are helping the person, you may be giving them the message that their actions are ok. A relationship should be mutually satisfying. Be sure to check in with your feelings regularly. If you find yourself worrying about your partner’s happiness more than your own, then do some reflecting. Once you’ve reflected, try to restore a sense of balance by setting boundaries. Gauge your partner’s reactions to your limitations or expectations. If your partner tries to intimidate you into a power imbalance, then it may be time for you to move on.
If you are struggling to find balance in your relationship or, after having read this article, are fearing you are caught in an abuse cycle and need help getting out, you might benefit from talking with an individual therapist or a relationship therapist in Philadelphia, PA. If you do not live in the Philadelphia area, we also offer online relationship therapy & counseling sessions. Please feel free to reach out to us for a consultation with the contact form below.
Read our article about the children of narcissists to find out how your children may be affected!
I’m also in a relationship with a narcissist. And i know all about emotional abuse.
Hello- Thank you for your comment. Relationships with narcissists can certainly be hard to navigate! We are here to offer you extra support in tough times if you need it!
This sounds like my baby daddy
Hello –
Thank you for your comment 🙂 Love bombing is quite common, unfortunately! We are here to help you heal from that experience or manage co-parenting if you need!
Hi! I am a mom of 22 year old in a love bombing relationship. Any suggestions on how I can help her? She is kind of reaching out but does not answer text or calls when with him. She is living with him. Going to be a nurse in a year. So much ahead of her! Please advise!
Hi Sherry! It’s apparent how much you love and care for your daughter and how concerned you are! These types of things are tricky because you don’t want to over-step and push away but you are worried that you may not be doing enough. Continuing to be a sounding board for her when she approaches you is always good. Continuing to build her up and let her know how great her future will be and that she is doing that on her own. Unfortunately, these things are complicated so it’s tough to say more without having more information. Please give us a call, we are happy to meet with you for a few sessions to help support you in supporting your daughter.
I feel so emotionally messed up. He’s been randomly sending me texts about how much he loves me after discarding me after 15 years of marriage. Saying all the things I wanted him to say then. Sometimes I actually think maybe we could be friends. What is wrong with me?
Hi Melissa, it sounds like you’re in a cycle of love-bombing with your ex, which makes sense why you’re asking yourself what is wrong with you. Remember, self-doubt is part of these cycles. Please reach out if you need extra support! 267-495-4951
I feel my ex is a covert narcissist. We were together for 8 years and I spent many nights crying over how he was to me. He would love bomb, gazing in your eyes knowing just what to say. then once this surpasses he starts the cycle. He was so sweet and made me feel like he loved me so much. Then he moved in. He changed quick, but it wasn’t like he was horrible. (cause he needed me)Now I see what it was. We never fought in the beginning of out relationship. Actually hardly fought but around Christmas time he would get strange and angry about stuff he normally wouldn’t and would start to misunderstand a lot of things thinking I was doing him wrong. I guess paranoids. This started the cycle that went on for years. About 5-6 months great then a few months bad to him finding a way to get me back. Usually played the I’m dying. I want to wake up every morning seeing your face. Bla bla bla, but I fell for it every time. I’m sure I am codependent and addicted to the narcissistic cycle. Because when you get the love back, it’s wonderful, I even said one time it was worth the pain. It really isn’t, that was me withdrawing from him. Now he has a new girlfriend that I see so clearly what he does, He told her I am close and dear to him. Yeah, that way if I’m around, he told her already and if she didn’t question it, didn’t disagree to it in the beginning, she lost her chance. He never truly lets go of any ex. Every time something was not the way he wanted in our relationship he called on them and when I found out, cause I always did he would say “just leave it alone” meaning it will pass, if I just kept my mouth shut and let him go through what he needed to, it will be ok. but its so wrong. Find a different way to ease what ills you. I tried so many years to help him through the pain he went through as a child, but I feel there is nothing no one can do, because he won’t do it. He used his ex’s as vengeance. In fact him and I dated when we were 17-18 and got back together in our late 40’s. I know that had a lot to why I stayed for so long, or the fact that I kept forgiving, I could type so much but will stop now.
Hey Lisa! Wow, what an experience you had! It seems like you needed to write and cathart. If you need space for further processing, please reach out! We are here to help!
I started dating a man October of 2020 and this morning I’m starting to really become a victim to his abuse. He started calling me names in January. We had a few problems (as problems always arise after 3 months) and he discarded of me so easily. The way he loved me in the beginning and loves me in the in betweens, are like I have never been loved before. He gazes into my eyes, holds my face in his hand, holds me right like no other, sexually the best I’ve ever had, completely enamored with me when I walk into a room, but any time a problem arises, he leaves me. He’s left me stranded at dinners, friends houses, bars, etc. he just leaves. Then starts in through text calling me all the worst names, the deepest cuts. For months I let him do this to me without fighting back, and when I started fighting back he couldn’t handle it. He has texted my mom calling her an old hag, has told me he hates me, every name under the sun…….. this morning he threw my phone charger at my head. And a cup of water at my head that went all over me and drenched my face, my hair, my shirt, my phone, my bags. Then ran after me to hug me and bawl his eyes out saying why do WE do this to eachother? We? I went in there crying my eyes out begging and asking him to please tell me what I did wrong for him to discard of me so easily. He cheated on me in January, I might add, and always accused me of cheating for 8 months straight. He also gave me an STD that came up in February. And he went and got tested and was negative? I never cheated. He throws that in my face 24-7. Did today. Then he texted me after I left and told me to stay the fuck out of his life. But that he was deeply sorry for what he did today and how that’s the worst version of himself and he will hate himself forever for it. I never responded. How can I love someone so much who hurts me so bad?
Hi Miranda! Thank you for sharing everything that you did. Your question about loving someone who hurts you is a good starting point! While there isn’t a concrete answer to this as it’s different for everyone, we firmly believe that you can work to explore and understand this. Through answering this question for yourself, you can find your way to joy and happiness, however that may look for you. We are happy to help you in this exploration! Reach out at 267-495-4951 or info@thebetteryouinstitute.com
I can so relate to this i’ve just split with a woman for the 40th time within a year, exhausted is an understatment, i have a constant twicth in my left eye and half the time what i type i look dyslexic or maybe i am i have no idea, had the push pull method at the beggining told she amd he husband was over as he was in the army, although when he came home brifly i was ghosted, and thought some thing was a miss and found messages that they never ended, so when i was driving her back from her uni, little did she know i had a good 2 hour converstation with her husband and pulled up to her house to get the truth, i left and felt i got of the merigoround then got messges from her husband saying he cheated first and that he was always gomma take the house and byding his time ect, she came round to mine saying i didnt know what he was like ect ect this was about 9 months ago and we got back together after that as i belived it, and found loads of stuff all through the year which i would be here forever to write, and with hiw exhasuted i am and how rubbish my spelling cones out it would proberly look like hyroglyth in the end, long story short i recently spoke to her ex again and had a 3 hour conversation this time, and found out she sent them messages of his phone while he was asleep, as she lies constantly even when proof is their and hets angry when found out and thats why we would break up all the time because of her lies and recently because of finding more lies i blocked her on every thing like i have done to stop all comunication, had takeaways deliverd to my house signed up for things on the internet, wpuld come round to my house bang on my door i would park my car in another street so she didnt know i was in, and after a week of that she come round and ripped my camera of the wall so i woukd respond, i really wish i just called the police as i rang and said i wanted money to be sent for the camrea she ripped of or am ringing the police, and she snaked her way around me again, and ive just blocked her again and its not gonna end until police are involved, i feel loads more relevied and happy when i have nothing to do with her, but she isnt ginna have that ☹
Hi Andy, thank you for sharing your story! If you want to get extra support as you go through this, please do not hesitate to reach out! 267-495-4951
Thank you for this. Putting a name to a very painful experience. There is peace in knowing you’re not alone, however I am deeply saddened that this happened to others. I am a year out of my abusive relationship with a narcissist. Sadly still in my life as we are co-parents to the only good that came from it. I was blown away when I read this post and all the responses at how identical it is/was to my own experience. Truly an eye opener when you say “yes” to everything on the page. I worry because my narcissist married after only 5 months dating her – talk about latching on quick. He preys on women who have been alone for a long time or neglected by a previous partner – that’s how he sucks you in with the wooing. Sad because I like the step mom to my son and fear for her safety. Thank you for putting this out there and for all the survivors who shared their story. We are taking back control by not hiding, protecting, defending and lying to friends, family and ourselves. God bless you all!
Lisa- thank you so much for your comment. We are honored to have the opportunity to bring some peace to those who have gone through this. Hopefully, we can work together to empower those who are impacted by love bombing!
I too have been with a narcissist, for 13 years. A year ago I had to move away because it was terrible!!!! They are pure evil.
Hi Teresa, Yes, they can be very difficult to be with. We are hopeful you are living a more peaceful life now that you’ve moved out.
I live with a man with these traits, lovebombing everyday at first , all I wanted to hear .then critiquing my every move, my clothes, hair, cooking g, nothing g was right. Then when I was away with family or friends, the Constant calls, texts, my family noticed how ridiculous it was. Now the arguments, he is never wrong , talks over me and says he’s jealous of my best friend. It’s making me crazy. What do I do. This 6 yr marriage is making me so unhappy.??
Hi Rhonie, we may be able to help you decide what is best for you and your future. Please reach out at info@thebetteryouinstute.com to set up a phone consultation!