Before you kick your bad habits, it’s imperative that you know what they are. Below is a list to get you started with thinking about what your bad communication habits might be. Everyone is different. You may not have all of these habits, but if you fix just one, you will see a difference.
Table of Contents
Unhealthy Communication
The Four Horsemen: Dr. John Gottman identified four types of negative communication styles that couples fall victim to, which are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. According to Gottman’s research, these communication styles are extremely harmful to relationships. Gottman also discusses ways to combat these negative communication styles.
- Criticism – harsh judgment or disapproval, overanalyzing another in a cruel way; often attacking a person’s identity (vs. the behavior)
- Contempt – feeling/thinking you are better than your partner, disgusted or angered with them; often insulting or mocking your partner, or acting better than them
- Defensiveness – not taking ownership of your actions, putting the fault on another person or circumstance; often looking to your partner to take the blame
- Stonewalling – shutting down the conversation by becoming emotionally closed off or physically walking away
You overwhelm your partner with too much information: It can be hard to bring up your grievances right when they occur, so you just hold them in until the “time is right.” The problem with this is that you’ll end up flooding them with too much information, leading them to feel under attack or overwhelmed. Plus, this can add more stress to you by holding on to your thoughts and emotions for extended periods of time, risking you holding resentment toward your loved one, which can turn into passive-aggressive communication.
You wait for the “right time”: You don’t want to ruin the positive mood or start an argument. You’re not in the headspace to be vulnerable. You don’t think your partner can handle it this week with everything else they have going on. Whatever your reason is, you shy away from having difficult conversations. Unfortunately, there is no “right time” for discussing difficult issues that may bring up emotions by both partners. You can not control other people’s emotions. Pain is a natural, and sometimes beneficial, part of life. Putting yourself in a vulnerable position has the potential to be difficult, but it will make your relationship stronger in the long run.
You bring up the past: As one issue arrises, you are reminded of something from the past and bring up another past relationship problem to try to make a point in the current convesration. However, by doing so, you’re distracting from the current topic. Past conversations can absolutely come back up, especially if there are more emotions to the issue at large. However, past issues deserve their own conversation, not to be tagged in with a current issue.
You point out things that your partner isn’t capable of changing: By pointing out things your partner can not change, you are telling them that you are unhappy with who they truly are. Unless these things are deal-breakers, you should stay away from bringing unnecessary negative attention to something your partner can not control. Examples of this might be about the way your partner looks or sound or their intellectual abilities.
Not recognizing when you are gridlocked: You’re going to have issues that are unsolvable. Continuing to fight over these issues will exhaust you and lead you nowhere. Identify what topics should be off-limits and stay away from them.
Lacking empathy/compassiona: When we are reeling in our own emotions it can be difficult to step into our partner’s experience and hold space for them. If we do not show up with empathy or compassion, it is easy to turn to Gottman’s Fourhorseman when we respond.
You lose sight of your partner’s strengths and your weaknesses: In the heat of the moment, it can be easy to focus solely on your partner’s flaws in contrast to all of their strengths. Unfortunately, by doing this, you are creating “you vs. them” mentality, which gets you stuck in contempt from the Four Horseman. Remember, you and your partner are a team, celebrate your differences and lean into each other’s strengths.
You bring family/friends into the discussions: Privacy within a relationship is important. Your friends and family are not unbiase. Therefore, they can not give you advice from an outsider’s perspective that is truly objective. Also, you need your loved ones on BOTH of your sides if you want your relationship to thrive.
You have difficult discussions over text/email: When you text/email, you are unable to hear your partner’s tone or missing nonverbals. You have a high risk of potentially blowing things out of proportion, being misrepresented, or losing information due to not having all forms of communication (i.e., nonverbal cues). Or, worse, you might say something you wouldn’t say in person because it feels less vulnerable via technology. If a vast majority of your conversations with your loved one are in person, then your difficult conversations should be too.
You have difficult discussions after you’ve been drinking or on drugs: Having an altered state of mind while having difficult discussions will only make it harder to control your emotions and to focus on improvement instead of blame. Further, you may not remember vital parts of the conversations that are imperative to forward movement.
Coming Into Loving Communication
Thankfully, there are many simple ways to adjust how you approach difficult conversations with your loved ones that will leave everyone feeling respected and understood. Here are some ways to improve your communication.
The Four Horsemen: Yes, Gottman has determined that criticism contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are detrimental to relationships. However, he has also identified four ways to combat these within conversations.
- Criticism –> Gentle Startup: Bracing your partner for a difficult conversation, asking them if they’re in the right headspace, and being mindful of your tone of voice and body langauge are all examples of gentle startups.
- Contempt –> Shared Fondness and Admiration: pointing out something positive or a strength of your partner’s as you start the conversation can be helpful to tap into the love you have for them, leading with appreciation will decrease defenses
- Defensiveness –> Taking Ownership: looking inward to see what is yours in the experience to take responsibility for is super important to having a productive conversation, be open to feedback, keep an open mind and look at the conversation as a place to learn and grow
- Stonewalling –> Self-Soothing: feeling escalated and frozen is common, it’s part of our fight or flight mechanisms. Utilizing deep breathing, reframing, or body movement can be helpful in getting unfrozen and deactivated. Or, being upfront with needing space and putting a limit on the space (30 minutes, 1 day, etc.), and then following up with the conversation after space has been taken.
Active listening: Listening to hear not to respond is important in healthy communication. Active listening requires you to sit back and take in what your partner is saying before you create your response.
- Take turns speaking, do not cut one another off.
- Reiterate what your partner said using “what I heard you say is…” and do not interpret their words—instead, mirror verbatim what your partner said. To hear your words back to you can be powerful. Your partner may realize what they said came out wrong. Mirroring allows them to make corrections if necessary. Mirroring also allows you to have more time to process what your partner has said and confirms that you heard everything they needed you to hear.
- You can then ask questions to clarify anything you don’t understand. Reiterating will also make your partner feel like you are truly listening to their concerns, and you respect their opinions, which they will likely do in return.
Be aware of your body language: Body language speaks volumes!
- Posture: Pay attention to your posture- is it open toward your partner or closed off? Facing your partner with your arms and legs open (uncrossed) and your chest up is a sign that you are open and ready to hear what they have to say.
- Facial Expressions: Your facial expressions are important, too. Even though you aren’t actively speaking, an eye roll or an angry glare could put your partner into attack/defense mode. Lack of eye contact may indicate discomfort or shame. Try to hold your gaze with soft eyes and a neutral face.
- The tone of voice: How you say something is just as important as what you are saying, sometimes more so. No one wants to be talked down to. You have to be cautious of how you are speaking and whether your tone is coming off as too aggressive. When you’re caught up in the moment, having an awareness of your tone can be difficult. The more you reflect afterward, the easier it will get for you to put into practice at the moment, but it does take time to learn. Keep this in mind when you are practicing loving communication.
- Volume: The volume of your voice can send a lot of signals to your partner. If you’re too soft, you may be interpreted as disinterested or shut down. If you’re too loud, you may be interpreted as angry or aggressive. Many people carry trauma’s from others’ voice volume. Being mindful of your partner’s triggers is important in loving communication.
Ask for the floor: The potential for confrontation can feel hard. It takes a lot of courage to speak your mind freely about problems that upset you. Emotions can take over the strongest of us and can make it hard to keep your thoughts in order. Ask your partner for uninterrupted time to explain yourself. Helping you to stay calm without worrying about whether you’ll have space to get things completely off your chest. By taking the floor, your partner will have a chance to practice active listening. Remember, you also have to be willing to give your partner the floor if they ask. Respect and mutuality often breed more respect.
“I” statements: Focus on your characteristics and emotions instead of pointing out what you think of your partner. Take ownership of your experience. For example, “When I hear you say ‘you wouldn’t touch me with a 10-foot pole’ as a joke in front of the kids, I feel embarrassed” versus “You are such a jerk for making fun of me in front of the kids.”
Knowing when to step away and come back later: Sometimes, taking a breather is the right decision. Give yourself and your partner time to clear your heads so that you don’t end up saying something you’ll later regret in the heat of the moment. Always come back. Taking a break and leaving the conversation open is just as bad as not taking a break. There has to be follow-through with the conversation where both parties feel a resolve.
Recognizing a gridlock: In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to allow our emotions that take over and continue a conversation that is going nowhere. Ask yourself, when you are calmer, what are topics you do not enjoy discussing with your partner? Are these topics that could be enjoyed with someone else, but your partner just doesn’t have the same views as you, and, therefore, shouldn’t be a topic of interest between the two of you? For some couples, discussing topics like politics or social justice can be too difficult and do not bode well. Recognizing which conversations to have with one another versus a friend who aligns with your views on such topics is paramount to staying in a good place with your partner.
Have set check-ins: Set a time that works for both of you. Some couples do really well by setting specific times and days where they check in with one another. Sometimes these check-ins concentrate on the positives of the week within the relationship. Other times, these check-ins allow room for some of the negative interactions that have come up for each individual. By setting a specific time, each person can mentally prepare themselves to be in the right headspace and be an active listener and use their “I” statements. If you can’t commit to regular check-ins but have things you want to share with your partner, set up a time with them. It’s okay to ask to talk. Make it a time where both of you have each other’s undivided attention and can be in one another’s presence.
Using these tips will help you practice loving communication. Breaking nonproductive habits is difficult, and these skills won’t come overnight. If you find you’re still struggling to communicate in a way that is productive and feels good, call The Better You Institute (267-495-4951) to set up an appointment with a trained therapist.
