At The Better You Institute, offering in-person appointments in Philadelphia and virtual appointments in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and Florida, we believe readiness for therapy isn’t about “fixing” yourself. It’s about saying, there’s a part of me that wants to feel differently, and being willing to explore that. Whether you’re searching for “attachment-based therapy in Philadelphia adults,” “therapy for repeating cycles in work and relationships in Philadelphia,” or “emotionally focused therapy Philadelphia couples,” the next step starts with noticing what feels off right now.

Here are a few ways to know you might be ready to begin therapy.

1. You’re Tired of “Just Getting By”

Maybe you’ve noticed that stress, anxiety, or irritability have become your new normal. You’re functioning but not thriving. You might find yourself snapping at loved ones, zoning out (cue doom scrolling), or feeling like you’re on autopilot.

Therapy helps you move beyond survival mode. Our Philadelphia therapists work with you to identify what’s keeping you stuck so you can start living with more clarity, calm, and intention.

2. You Keep Repeating the Same Patterns

You tell yourself things will be different next time — in relationships, work, or self-care — but somehow you end up in the same cycle and the same thing keeps happening. This isn’t because you’re broken or weak. And it’s certainly not because you’re in Groundhog Day! It’s because unresolved emotional patterns run deep, and they repeat themselves.

Our attachment-based, process-oriented therapy helps you understand why these patterns form and how to change them for good.

3. You Feel Disconnected From Yourself or Others

Upon entering therapy, our clients often describe themselves as “floating through life.” Disconnection can manifest as emotional numbness, overthinking, or difficulty expressing what you need. Maybe you feel lonely even when you’re not alone. Therapy offers a safe place to reconnect to your emotions, your values, and the people you care about. Therapy will help you gain back your presence in life.

4. You’ve Tried Coping on Your Own

AI, Podcasts, journaling, and mindfulness apps can help. However, if you’re still feeling lost or stuck, therapy offers something those tools can’t: a real relationship with human who is trained to explore relational dynamics and how you show up (or don’t) within them, which serves or harms you.

Your therapist will help you uncover the root cause of what you are experiencing right now. Together, you will see the nuanced layers that make you human and help you experience them in a new light, not just manage the symptoms.

5. You’re Craving Growth and Self-Understanding

You don’t need to be in crisis to benefit from therapy. Many clients come to us simply wanting to understand themselves better, develop healthier relationships, or learn to set boundaries without guilt.

Starting therapy can be an act of empowerment. A signal to yourself that you’re ready for a more intentional life. As Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, writes, therapy isn’t just for people in crisis; it’s for anyone who wants to understand themselves more deeply. She reminds us that pain isn’t always something to fix; sometimes it’s a doorway to growth. In therapy, the goal isn’t to “get rid of” your feelings but to learn from them, to uncover what they’re trying to tell you about your needs, boundaries, and desires.

Gottlieb says that people don’t come to therapy to change their past; they come because they want a better future. And that’s the essence of readiness: the moment you stop asking “What’s wrong with me?” and start wondering “What’s possible for me?”

Common Signs You’re Ready for Therapy

If you’ve landed here, you’re likely already sensing that something inside you is ready for more, more clarity, more connection, more peace. Are you wondering “why do I keep repeating relationship mistakes Philadelphia?” or “feeling disconnected therapy Philadelphia.” Here are some signs you might be ready for therapy:

• You want to feel emotionally grounded instead of constantly overwhelmed, insecure, or disconnected.
  
  
• You’re ready to feel confident and empowered, rather than taking a back seat, second-guessing yourself, or talking yourself out of things.
  
  
• You’re curious about your mind and patterns, and want to understand what’s behind it. “Why do I shut down, overthink, or avoid?”
  
  
• You’re tired of repeating cycles in relationships, work, or self-sabotage that keep showing up despite your good intentions.
  
  
• You’re navigating a major shift — loss, career transition, or life change — and realize you need a supportive space to process it.
  
  
• You’re ready to improve your relationships and communication, learning to speak your truth and move toward closeness rather than conflict.
  
  
• You feel like you’re checking all the right boxes, but something’s still missing. You want to feel fulfilled and at peace, not just busy.

If any of these resonate, therapy can help you bridge the gap between knowing something needs to change — and actually creating that change.

Questions to Ask Yourself to Know If You’re Ready for Therapy

If you’ve been Googling “how do I know if I need therapy,” “why do I keep repeating relationship mistakes,” or “therapist near me Philadelphia,” you’re already halfway there. The truth is, wondering about therapy is often the first sign that you’re ready for it.

Here are some questions to help you reflect:

1. Do I keep finding myself in the same situations — in relationships, work, or family — even when I try to change?
   If you’ve ever thought, “Why does this always happen to me?” or “Why do I always attract the same kind of partner?” therapy can help you understand the emotional blueprint behind those experiences.
   1. Are you ready to face the fact that the problem might be you? Can you own that you are the one in control of the change you seek? If so, you’re ready for therapy. No, you’re not a problem, but you may be repeating things that are keeping you stuck.
2. Do I feel disconnected or “off,” even when life looks good on paper?
   Many people search for “feeling unfulfilled even though successful” or “feeling disconnected therapy Philadelphia.” Therapy can help you reconnect with yourself and make sense of that emptiness or restlessness.
   1. Am I ready to receive the love and connection I’ve been seeking? (Cue self-sabotage.)
3. Am I overthinking, avoiding, or shutting down when things get hard?
   If you’ve been looking up “why do I shut down in relationships therapist Philadelphia” or “therapy for overthinking and avoidance Philadelphia,” you might be ready to explore how your mind and body protect you, and how to respond differently.
   1. Do I want to change my understanding of myself and the world around me? If yes, then you are ready for therapy.
4. Do I want to feel more emotionally grounded and confident?
   Searching “therapy to feel more confident and empowered Philadelphia” or “therapy to feel emotionally grounded” shows a desire to grow. Therapy can help you manage emotions with clarity instead of self-criticism or fear.
   1. Am I ready to put in the work to actually feel more grounded and confident? Then yes, you are ready for therapy.
5. Am I tired of just coping and ready to actually change?
   If you’re done reading every self-help book and still feel stuck, it might be time to go deeper. Therapy helps you identify why those old patterns keep showing up and how to break them for good.
   1. Are you tired of putting a Band-Aid on your problems and ready to sit in the hard stuff to feel better in the end? Can you see the long-term benefits when the short-term feels really hard and bad? If yes, then you are ready for therapy.
6. Have I been through a transition, loss, or life change that still feels unresolved?
   People often search “therapy for grief or life transitions Philadelphia.” Therapy gives you the space to process and rebuild a sense of stability and hope after change.
   1. Inviting in support is a sign of vulnerability and strength, not weakness. You are ready for therapy if you see strength in getting help.
7. Do I want better communication and deeper relationships?
   If you’ve searched “therapist near me Philadelphia for relationships” or “therapy for improving communication,” therapy can help you learn to express your needs in ways that lead to closeness instead of conflict.
   1. I am ready to own my role in why I feel disconnected in my relationships and why I get into arguments with my partner. You are ready for therapy.
8. Am I ready to invest in myself?
   Searching “high-quality therapy Philadelphia” or “best therapist near me for self-growth” isn’t just about finding help, it’s about deciding that you’re worth the investment in real, lasting change.
   1. Do I feel deserving of quality help? If yes, then you are ready for therapy at The Better You Institute.

If you answered yes to the majority of these questions, that’s your cue: you’re ready to start the conversation. At The Better You Institute, our Philadelphia therapists specialize in attachment-based, trauma-informed therapy that helps you stop repeating old patterns, feel grounded in who you are, and build the kind of life and relationships you’ve been hoping for.

What to Expect When You Choose High-Quality Therapy in Philadelphia

Searching for “therapist near me Philadelphia secure attachment therapy” or “trauma-informed therapist Philadelphia for professionals”? At The Better You Institute, we offer high-quality care that attunes to your therapeutic needs. We specialize in attachment work, helping you reach secure attachment. Our trauma-informed care helps you feel safe and ready to be vulnerable. We have convenient scheduling for professionals seeking therapy after hours.

Our work is deeper than simple symptom relief. Our approach is attachment-based, trauma-informed, and tailored to help high-achieving adults break free from hidden patterns.

Whether you’re dealing with overthinking, relational struggles, or professional burnout, we meet you right where you are and are ready to help you create lasting change. Our therapists are experienced working with corporate professionals, high achievers, couples, and individuals navigating transition.

Ready to Begin? Take the Next Step

The fact that you’re reading this means you’re already searching for something better. Whether you’re looking for “Philadelphia therapist for communication in relationships” or “therapy Philadelphia for insecure attachment”, we’re here for you.

You can book your consultation with our client coordinator today and get booked for an appointment with one of our Philadelphia therapists today: Schedule Your Consultation

Not quite ready? That’s okay. You can still explore our team of therapists and get a sense of how we work. Our client care coordinator can walk you through our process, introduce you to our Signature Framework, and answer any questions you may have.

About The Better You Institute

The Better You Institute offers in-person therapy in Philadelphia for individuals, couples, and families, and secure telehealth sessions across Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and Florida. Our clinicians specialize in attachment-based, process-oriented, and trauma-informed psychotherapy designed to help you heal deeply and grow authentically.

The post How to Know You’re Ready for Therapy in Philadelphia and Beyond appeared first on The Better You Institute.

To reconnect, you need to be emotional with one another, not just logistical. You share a home, responsibilities, and maybe even a bed, but not the spark that once felt effortless.

Instead, your days are filled with logistics: Who’s handling the appointment? Did you remember the meds? Whose turn is it to do bedtime? These are all important factors but they don’t necessarily lead to connection in an intimate relationship.

Somewhere along the way, connection became coordination. It’s time to reconnect.

Why Couples Become Roommates In Long-Term Relationships

The “roommate phase” doesn’t always mean something is broken; it often means something important has shifted.

• Chronic illness or neurodivergence changes rhythms. One partner may take on more caretaking while the other carries guilt or frustration.
  • Sexual Dysfunction often comes when one or more partners are stressed and anxious. This creates a shame cycle that leads to an avoidance of intimacy. Even hugs or holding hands feels risky as it may lead to something more.
    
    
• Postpartum transitions identity rewrite: lovers become parents, partners become co-managers of a tiny human.
  
  
• Life overload — careers, family care, emotional fatigue — eats away at the energy needed for intimacy.
  

In these seasons, survival often replaces connection. But what begins as practical teamwork can, over time, flatten emotional aliveness. If you’re not careful, this season can become the whole year, and eventually the entire relationship, where polarity is lost and comfort settles in. Prioritizing reconnection is key to a long lasting relationship.

The Hidden Cost of Caretaking

Caretaking, whether due to illness, burnout, or parenting, can quietly reshape power and desire. When one partner is always in a doing mode, intimacy starts to feel like another task. The caretaker thinks, I can’t do one more thing. The other partner thinks, I can’t reach you anymore.

This understanding about where each of you is leads to withdrawal and further disconnect. Neither is wrong. You’re simply playing roles that leave little room for spontaneity or shared pleasure.

Therapist Esther Perel reminds us that “responsibility and desire are often in tension.” When your relationship becomes all about function, eroticism and curiosity fade, not because you’ve failed, but because your connection needs new conditions to breathe. Conversely, when you’re relationship is intense (highly sexual, extremely fun, or super argumentative), it can not survive as the tinder that keeps the fire going is all of the daily tasks and interactions that keep a household going.

Why Should You Prioritize Your Relationship and Reconnect?

When lovers become parents, their relationship becomes the emotional climate their children grow up in. The way they connect, repair, and prioritize each other trickles down, shaping how their kids learn safety, love, and communication. When couples invest in their relationship first, they create a secure foundation that allows everyone in the family to thrive. By nurturing their bond, they don’t take away from their children; they give them the gift of stability, warmth, and modeled connection.

What Reconnection Actually Looks Like

Reconnecting doesn’t mean “getting back to how things used to be.” It means discovering how to meet each other again in the lives you have now.

1. Name the Distance Without Blame

Try saying: “I miss us. It feels like we’re great partners in logistics, but I want to feel close again.” Naming the gap opens the door for both of you to step toward each other instead of defending.

2. Build Micro-Moments of Presence

You don’t need a weekend getaway; you need 10-second check-ins:

• A hand on your partner’s back while passing in the kitchen.
• A text that says, “Thinking of you, not the to-do list, just you.”
• Five slow breaths together before sleep.
• Eye contact.

Small moments of intentional presence rebuild emotional safety faster than grand gestures.

3. Redistribute Emotional Labor

If one of you carries most of the mental or physical load, have a structured conversation about what “enough” looks like for both of you. Fairness isn’t sameness; it’s responsiveness. We suggest Fair Play by Eve Rodsky to help with this.

Couples therapy (in Philadelphia or online) can help you map these invisible roles so you can co-create balance without resentment.

4. Revisit Polarity Through Compassion

If one partner is neurodivergent or managing health challenges, intimacy may require creativity. Can touch happen differently? Can you build rituals of closeness that honor both accessibility and desire? There’s no one script; there’s just curiosity and communication. Even if you’ve had a conversation before, have it again. You may have to have one conversation multiple times as your life, your relationship, and your world change.

A Real-Life Example (Composite from Therapy Work)

One couple I worked with, both high-achieving parents, found themselves living parallel lives after their child’s diagnosis. In therapy, they began sharing for 5 minutes a night* by answering, “What’s something you appreciated about me today?” At first, it felt forced. Within weeks, it became the anchor of their evenings. Connection grew not from solving but from seeing.

*Regularly scheduled moments of connection, whether daily or nightly, help regulate both partners’ attachment systems. The avoidant partner learns to stay present without shutting down, and the anxious partner feels secure knowing the connection is predictable.

Your Takeaway

Don’t wait for the connection to “come back.” Create conditions where it can re-emerge. That means slowing down, naming what’s real, and redistributing care in ways that nurture both of you.

When couples in our Philadelphia marriage counseling sessions begin to practice these micro-moments of care, they rediscover that love isn’t lost. Still, it does need to be tended to again.

If you and your partner feel more like roommates than lovers, we can help you reconnect through attachment-based couples therapy that honors your reality, neurodivergence, caregiving, parenthood, and all. Rediscover warmth, intimacy, and “us.”

If this article was helpful but you’re looking for more specific guidance. Reach out! Our Couples Therapists in Philadelphia and Pennsylvania would love to help.

The post How To Reconnect When You Feel Like Roommates appeared first on The Better You Institute.

1. What made me reach out to start therapy today?
   • What was the moment or feeling that pushed me to take this step?
2. Where in my life do I feel stuck, disconnected, or unfulfilled?
   • Try not to fix it—notice where tension or longing shows up.
3. When do I feel most like myself?
   • Describe a moment where you felt grounded, whole, or safe.
4. What parts of myself do I tend to hide from others? Why?
   • Explore what feels risky to show, and what it might feel like to be seen.
5. What did I learn about love, safety, and emotions growing up?
   • Consider what messages you received—and whether they still fit.
6. What do I want to feel more of in my life and relationships?
   • Hope? Trust? Joy? Connection? Name what you’re longing for.
7. What would healing look like for me, if it were possible?
   • Let yourself dream. What would be different if you truly felt free?
8. What am I proud of myself for—big or small?
   • Think of a time you showed up for yourself or others in a meaningful way.
9. Who or what helps me feel safe, supported, or seen right now?
   • Identify the people, places, or practices that give you a sense of stability.
10. What qualities or inner strengths have helped me get through hard times?
    • Reflect on your resilience—what parts of you show up when things get tough?

Now that you’ve taken some time to reflect…
Honor what came up for you. This is the beginning of something meaningful. If you’re feeling a bit tender, that’s okay, it’s normal, you’re not alone in this. You may feel hopeful or insightful. This is a great start to your therapy journey.

We’ll be in touch shortly to help you take the next step in starting therapy.

In the meantime, consider this:
How will you show up for yourself and give yourself full permission to grow, heal, and be supported?

Feel free to revisit these prompts as often as you need. This work is not linear and doesn’t have to be done all at once. Just showing up is powerful.

The post 10 Journaling Prompts to Start Your Therapy Journey appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Psychotherapy is an evolving field, constantly adapting to new research, insights, and techniques. Among the many modalities available, Process-Oriented Therapy (Process Work) has emerged as a profound and deeply transformative approach to healing. Developed by Dr. Arnold Mindell, this therapeutic method provides a holistic framework that explores the intricacies of human experience, relationships, and inner conflicts. Process-oriented therapy allows therapists to guide clients toward long-term, sustainable change and personal growth, making it especially valuable for individuals seeking more than just surface-level solutions to their struggles.

If you’ve never heard of process-oriented therapy before, keep reading to explore what Process-Oriented Therapy is, its origins, how it compares to newer behavioral therapies, and why it’s a long-term investment that offers enduring results. We’ll also highlight research supporting its effectiveness and discuss why, for those seeking deep, lasting change, Process-Oriented Therapy could be the perfect fit.

What is Process-Oriented Therapy?

Process-oriented therapy (Process Work) is a type of psychotherapy that focuses less on diagnosing and stigmatizing a person and views symptoms and difficulties not merely as problems to be fixed but as gateways to deeper understanding and transformation. It takes a holistic approach, examining the individual as part of a larger, dynamic process that includes their inner experiences, relationships, body sensations, and even dreams. A large part of process work is shifting dynamics to experience different outcomes that will feel better. 

This method of therapy helps clients become aware of the undercurrent driving many of their thoughts, emotions, and actions. Process-oriented therapy focuses on the subtle, often unconscious, processes that influence a person’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. By bringing these hidden dynamics into consciousness, process work encourages deep reflection and self-awareness, guiding individuals to understand the underlying causes of their struggles.

Process-Oriented Therapy is particularly effective for addressing issues related to:

– Attachment styles and relationship dynamics

– Anxiety, depression, and trauma

– Chronic physical symptoms or pain

– Life transitions and existential crises

– Conflicts in family or work environments

Unlike more symptom-focused therapies, which might aim to “fix” a problem quickly, process work delves into the root causes, examining how various life processes manifest in each individual. Process work also considers a person’s biology, marrying nature and nurture to better understand who each person is and what they bring to each experience they embark on. 

For example, several studies have found correlations between the Big Five Personalities, theorized to be more innate than learned, and our attachment styles. A person who is naturally a bit more neurotic has a higher chance of not securely attaching to their caregivers in childhood and having more struggles in adult relationships regarding connection. A person who scores higher on extraversion, conscientiousness, or agreeableness is more likely to attach securely. Interestingly, opennessness was not found to correlate with attachment styles. 

A process-oriented therapist can use this research-driven information to help guide people toward a better understanding of themselves and the world around them. Instead of changing who you are, process work brings you to understand, meet yourself where you are, and highlight your strengths. 

The Origins of Process-Oriented Therapy

Process-Oriented Therapy was developed by Dr. Arnold Mindell, a Jungian psychologist and physicist, in the late 1970s. Mindell, inspired by both psychology and quantum physics, sought to create a therapy that considered the complexities of human experience as part of a larger field of interactions, where seemingly unrelated events and symptoms could provide valuable insights. His work blended Jungian analysis with Eastern philosophies, body awareness, and systems theory to form an integrative model.

In his foundational work, *The Dreambody: The Body’s Role in Healing the Self* (1982), Mindell introduced the concept of the “dreambody,” which posits that physical and emotional symptoms are interconnected, often mirroring unconscious psychological issues. Mindell’s revolutionary approach recognized that everything—from body sensations to interpersonal conflicts—holds the potential for healing if understood through a process-oriented lens.

Research Supporting Process-Oriented Therapy

While Process-Oriented Therapy is still considered outside the mainstream compared to other methods like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), emerging research and anecdotal evidence demonstrate its effectiveness. 

Research in somatic psychology, for example, supports the idea that body sensations and physical symptoms can reveal underlying emotional or psychological issues. Studies show that bringing attention to these subtle sensations can help individuals release long-held trauma and reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression. In a meta-analysis of studies on mind-body therapies, participants reported greater improvements in emotional well-being, self-awareness, and long-term symptom relief compared to those in more cognitively focused therapies.

Another key aspect of therapy focused on understanding emotions and experiences is its emphasis on relationships and communication dynamics, a hallmark of attachment theory. The therapeutic process often involves examining how clients’ attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) influence their relationships. Studies on attachment-based therapy suggest that a focus on relational patterns, as seen in Process-Oriented Therapy, can lead to significant improvements in emotional regulation, communication, and intimacy in both romantic, friendship, and familial relationships.

Process work has also been used effectively in group settings, especially in conflict resolution and organizational development. For instance, its principles have been applied in peace-building initiatives in regions of social unrest, where understanding group dynamics and unconscious processes is crucial for lasting conflict resolution.

Comparing Process-Oriented Therapy to Behavioral Therapy: Key Differences

To understand why Process-Oriented Therapy is a long-term, deeper approach to psychotherapy, it’s helpful to compare it to behavioral therapies like CBT. Both methods have their strengths, but they differ significantly in their philosophy, goals, and techniques.

Why Process-Oriented Therapy is a Long-Term Investment in Personal Growth

At first glance, Process-Oriented Therapy might seem like a more time-consuming and costly approach compared to shorter, symptom-focused therapies like CBT. However, for many individuals, it offers long-term benefits that make it a worthwhile investment.

1.  Deeper Self-Awareness through Process-Oriented Therapy

One of the core tenets of process work is that healing and change come from having more awareness of the subtle, often unconscious, processes and beliefs that shape our thoughts, behaviors, and relationships. These processes are not always accessible through more structured, short-term therapies. Over time, Process-Oriented Therapy helps individuals understand the root causes of their struggles and the patterns that stem from them rather than merely addressing surface-level symptoms.

For example, CBT may help someone reduce anxiety by challenging negative thoughts, which makes it great for people who are currently anxious and want to reduce symptoms. CBT is reactive in nature, helping clients solve something once it occurs and is in their consciousness. 

Process-Oriented Therapy will look at the deeper fears or unresolved issues that fuel the anxiety in the first place, working to resolve these deeper fears so that anxiety does not show up in the first place. Process-Oriented therapy is proactive by helping the client not have a symptom altogether by making changes to the unconscious. By bringing these underlying factors into awareness, clients can experience longer-lasting change that endures beyond one specific problem or issue. Process changes are linked to many life experiences and, therefore, a person’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors as one moves through these events. 

2. Addressing the Whole Person through Process-Oriented Therapy

Process-Oriented Therapy doesn’t separate the mind from the body or emotions. Instead, it encourages clients to see themselves as whole beings, where every sensation, thought, or dream carries meaning. This integrative approach is particularly beneficial for individuals with trauma, chronic illness, or complex emotional issues, as it allows for a deeper understanding of how psychological issues manifest in the body.

involves exploring not just the immediate symptoms a client presents but the underlying emotional, relational, and unconscious patterns driving those symptoms. In contrast to behavioral approaches that focus on surface-level changes, process-oriented therapy digs deeper into the client’s entire lived experience. For example, a client might come to therapy feeling anxious about public speaking. In cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), the focus would be on addressing the anxiety through strategies like cognitive restructuring or exposure therapy. While this can be effective, it may only address the anxiety on a surface level.

In process-oriented therapy, the therapist would explore the client’s broader history, such as how their early relationships or experiences of feeling unseen or unheard might contribute to their fear of public speaking. This could lead to discussions about childhood experiences of being criticized or silenced, which have shaped the client’s self-concept and emotional responses. Additionally, the therapist might explore body sensations, dreams, or recurring relational patterns that reflect deeper emotional wounds. This approach seeks to integrate all aspects of the person—their cognitive, emotional, physical, and unconscious experiences—into the healing process, providing a more comprehensive and transformative outcome over time.

Rather than focusing solely on changing behaviors or thoughts, process-oriented therapy seeks to foster a deeper understanding of the self, creating a lasting shift in the client’s emotional and relational landscape. For instance, a client dealing with relationship conflicts might come to recognize how unresolved grief or past trauma shapes their current interactions, allowing for more authentic connections once they work through these deeper issues.

3. Long-Lasting Results

While behavioral therapies like CBT can be effective in the short term, many clients find that their symptoms return once therapy has ended, especially if the root cause of the issue was not fully addressed. In contrast, Process-Oriented Therapy fosters a deep transformation that results in lasting personal growth. By exploring unconscious processes and becoming more attuned to inner signals, clients are better equipped to handle future challenges on their own.

4. Healing Relationships

Attachment theory plays a significant role in Process-Oriented Therapy, as the therapeutic process often involves exploring how early attachment patterns influence current relationships. By gaining insight into attachment styles and relational patterns, clients can foster more secure, healthy connections with others. This is particularly important for those who struggle with intimacy, trust, or communication in relationships.

5. Tailored to the Individual

Process-Oriented Therapy is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Each session is tailored to the individual’s unique experiences, emotions, and needs. The therapist may work with dreams, body sensations, relationship dynamics, or other unconscious processes, depending on what arises in the moment. This flexibility allows for a more personalized, in-depth exploration than many other therapy methods.

Why Invest in Long-Term Therapy?

While Process-Oriented Therapy may take longer to complete, its benefits are profound and enduring. While shorter-term therapies are certainly effective in reducing symptoms quickly, they often fail to address the deeper causes of psychological distress, resulting in similar issues reoccurring for the person. Although some people can have longer-lasting effects from shorter term therapies, such as CBT or DBT, many are in a maintenance phase where they have to apply certain tools if symptoms arise. 

Long-term, process-oriented therapy gets to the root cause and helps to heal or shift. Long-term therapy ultimately makes it so that you’re not experiencing the issue you’d need skills for from the behavioral type therapies. Investing in long-term therapy allows clients to experience true transformation by understanding themselves deeper, and healing from the inside out.

What to Expect in a Process-Oriented, Longer-Term Therapeutic Relationship

1. Exploring Feelings in the Moment – Instead of just talking about problems, the therapist helps the person focus on how they feel right now. For example, “Where do you feel this anxiety in your body?” or “What thoughts come up when you feel this way?”
2. Looking at Patterns – The therapist helps the person notice repeating behaviors or emotional patterns in their life. They might say, “It seems like you feel this way in many relationships. Let’s explore why that happens.”
   1. The client will bring current issues into the therapy room, and the therapist will guide them to be able to recognize all of the different parts and layers at play in that issue: thoughts, feelings, beliefs, dynamics, memories, actions, traumas, etc. 
3. Unpacking Early Experiences – The therapist encourages the person to talk about past experiences, especially from childhood, that may be affecting them today. For example, “What was it like growing up in your family? How did you deal with emotions then?” Or, “This seems to be something you often experience in different contexts. Does that have meaning to it for you?”
4. Working with Dreams and Imagery – Sometimes, the therapist may ask the person to describe a dream or use their imagination to explore what’s going on deep inside. For example, “If it’s difficult for you to label the emotion, can you describe what it looks like or can you give me an image of the emotion that comes up in your head?”
5. Noticing Body Sensations—The therapist might ask the person to pay attention to their body, as physical feelings often reflect emotional states. For instance, “What do you notice in your body when you talk about this? Is there tension or a sensation you can describe?” Or, “I noticed as you spoke about your boss, you became more rigid in your movement, and you seem tense, almost scared. Is this right?”
6. Relational Work – Instead of focusing only on the problem, the therapist looks at how the person interacts with others, including the therapist. For example, “How do you feel when you say that to me? Does this remind you of how you talk to people in your life?” Or, I noticed your tone of voice got different toward me when you were speaking about your mother. I’m wondering if you were speaking to her in that moment rather than me?” Or, “I often experience you as more passive in our relationship. Does this feel correct to you? Do you tend to play a passive role in your other relationships?”
7. Allowing Space for Uncertainty – In process-oriented therapy, it’s okay not to have all the answers right away. The therapist might encourage the person to sit with their confusion or discomfort and explore it, saying, “Let’s stay with that feeling and see what comes up next.” Or, “It’s okay you don’t know what it means. Can you pay attention to how often and in what contexts it shows up for you daily and come back next week to explore more?”

In short, these techniques help people dig below the surface to understand not just what they think or do but also why they feel the way they do and how those feelings are connected to their life experiences, beliefs, values, and relationships.

Key Benefits of Long-Term Therapy:

• Greater emotional resilience: By addressing the root causes of distress, clients develop emotional tools that last a lifetime.
• Improved relationships: Understanding attachment styles and relational dynamics leads to healthier, more fulfilling connections.
• Holistic healing: Integrating mind, body, and emotions provides a complete healing experience targeting all potential areas of distress.
• Sustainable growth: Long-term therapy results in more profound, enduring personal development compared to short-term interventions.

Is Process-Oriented Therapy Right for You?

If you’re seeking a therapy that goes beyond symptom relief and delves into the deeper layers of your experiences, Process-Oriented Therapy could be the right fit. It offers a transformative, long-term approach that addresses the root causes of emotional distress, helping you cultivate lasting change and personal growth. Moreover, process work puts you in the driver’s seat. Clients often feel empowered through understanding, which leads to change. 

At The Better You Institute, we specialize in Process-Oriented Therapy, using attachment theory and other modalities to guide individuals toward healing. Whether you’re struggling with relationships, anxiety, trauma, or simply seeking a deeper understanding of yourself, our therapists are here to help.

If you’re ready to embark on a journey of self-discovery and transformation, we invite you to reach out and schedule an initial consultation. Let’s work together to unlock your potential for growth and lasting change.

The post Exploring Process-Oriented Therapy: A Deep Dive into Long-Term Healing appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Working through past trauma is a common reason many individuals seek treatment. As more individuals seek support, the demand for trauma-informed care has significantly increased. Trauma-Informed Care as a therapeutic approach is critical within mental health services and the behavioral health services framework, as it shifts the focus from “What is wrong with you?” to “What happened to you?”

As someone seeking support for trauma histories, you will benefit from understanding what trauma-informed care entails and how to find trauma-informed organizations and medical professionals equipped to guide you through healing from traumatic experiences.

What is Trauma?

Before discussing trauma-informed practices, we must first define trauma. Trauma is subjective and can vary greatly. For some, it is a deeply disturbing experience that overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope, often leading to long-term emotional, mental, and even physical health consequences. The long-term impact of childhood trauma through the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) study is well documented. However, for some people, smaller, less catastrophic, but certainly hurtful experiences are considered traumatic. 

Trauma is often categorized as Big-T traumas—catastrophic events like natural disasters, violent crimes, or physical, sexual, emotional abuse, or neglect—and Little-t traumas, which involve prolonged exposure to stressful situations like childhood misattunement, workplace stress, or relationship problems. Both types of trauma can result in secondary traumatic stress and have a profound impact on an individual’s physical and mental health.

Additionally, complex trauma is another vital concept to understand. It refers to repeated exposures to traumatic events, often starting in childhood, such as enduring sexual abuse or witnessing physical violence (big T Traumas) or repeated misattunement or exposure to a parent with severe mental health issues (small T traumas). Complex trauma disrupts normal development, leading to severe, long-term emotional and mental health consequences, and requires a specific, trauma-informed approach to treatment.

Explore the different types of trauma recognized by the American Psychological Association.

What is Trauma-Informed Care?

Trauma-informed care is an approach in mental health and behavioral services that recognizes the prevalence of trauma in individuals’ lives and seeks to create a supportive environment. Instead of asking, “What is wrong with you?” clinicians ask, “What happened to you?” to understand the root causes of emotional and psychological struggles.  

Why is Trauma-Informed Care Important?

Trauma is pervasive, with 60% of adults in the U.S. having experienced at least one traumatic event. Recognizing this widespread impact, the Substance Abuse Mental Health Service Administration (SABMHS) has emphasized the importance of training clinicians to provide trauma-specific services. 

Traditional mental health treatments often focus on symptom management, which can unintentionally cause re-traumatization if the deeper impact of trauma is not addressed. This, in turn, has led to many patients disengaging from treatment planning and abandoning care altogether.

Clinicians trained in trauma-informed care understand the prevalence of trauma and adapt their practices to avoid re-traumatization while providing holistic support. Trauma-informed practices lead to better outcomes: reduced symptoms, improved physical health, fewer substance abuse issues, enhanced coping skills, and greater social connection.

Unfortunately, many clinicians are not adequately trained in this approach. This gap in training—often leading to staff turnover and inadequate care—reinforces the need for individuals to seek providers who use a trauma-informed approach when engaging in health services. The team at The Better You Institute is trained in trauma-informed care and prides itself on upholding the level of care necessary for those with traumatic histories to heal. 

What are the 6 Key Principles of Trauma-Informed Care:

1. Safety: This is foundational. Clients need to feel safe—emotionally, physically, and psychologically. This means creating a space where they feel secure and respected. A therapist’s tone, body language, and office environment all contribute to this. It’s okay to expect your therapist to be aware of these as they lead the therapy session. 
2. Trustworthiness and Transparency: Therapists should be open about their processes and what clients can expect. Clear communication about confidentiality, treatment plans, and boundaries helps build trust.
3. Peer Support: Highlight the role of shared experiences in healing. Trauma survivors often feel isolated, so acknowledging that others have gone through similar experiences can be powerful.
4. Collaboration and Mutuality: Trauma-informed care is collaborative. The power dynamic between therapist and client should be balanced to the greatest possible extent. Your therapist should use language emphasizing partnership, such as “Let’s work on this together” or “What feels most comfortable for you?”
5. Empowerment, Voice, and Choice: Trauma often strips people of their sense of control. Therapists should help clients regain control by offering choices and encouraging them to express their needs. Phrases like “You are the expert on your own experience” or “Would you like to pause here or keep going?” foster empowerment.
6. Cultural, Historical, and Gender Sensitivity: A trauma-informed therapist should be mindful of the broader context of a client’s trauma. Understand that historical and cultural oppression may compound their experience. Language should be respectful and attuned to the client’s cultural identity.

What Should I Expect from a Trauma-Informed Therapy Session?

In a trauma-informed therapy session, clinicians create a safe and supportive environment where clients feel empowered to share their experiences. Therapy may involve discussing trauma triggers, learning coping skills, and understanding how past trauma affects current beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and behavior. The therapist avoids re-traumatization by maintaining trust, transparency, and respecting the client’s boundaries.

Language to Use with Trauma Clients:

When working with trauma survivors, every word carries weight. The goal is to communicate in a way that is validating, supportive, and non-triggering. Here are key linguistic approaches you should look for your therapist to use if you want a trauma-informed therapist. 

1. Validate the Experience:
   • Instead of minimizing trauma or focusing on silver linings, acknowledge the pain. A trauma-informed therapist should say things like, “That sounds incredibly difficult” or “I hear that this has been overwhelming for you.”
2. Use Grounding Language:
   • Trauma can disorient clients. Use language that helps them stay in the present moment. Phrases that foster grounding , “Let’s take a deep breath together” or “Notice your feet on the ground” can help them reorient themselves to the hear and now.
3. Avoid “Why” Questions:
   • “Why” questions can feel blaming or intrusive. Instead of asking, “Why didn’t you leave?” ask, “What was it like for you in that situation?” This change removes judgment and invites the client to explore their experience safely.
4. Offer Choices to Reclaim Control:
   • Trauma survivors often feel powerless, so offering options during sessions like, “Would you like to stop here or continue?” gives them a sense of agency and allows them to control the pace of the session.
5. Use Non-Pathologizing Language:
   • Refrain from labeling trauma reactions as “disorders.” Instead of saying, “You’re experiencing PTSD,” say, “What you’re going through is a natural response to what happened.” This shifts the focus from pathology to resilience.
6. Check-in Frequently:
   • Clients may feel overwhelmed during trauma work. Phrases like, “How are you feeling right now?” or “Is this conversation okay for you?” show your attentiveness and concern for their well-being in real time.
7. Honor Their Strengths:
   • Trauma survivors are resilient, and it’s vital to highlight that. Use affirming language like, “It took so much strength to survive that” or “You’ve shown incredible resilience in coping with this.”

Recognizing Trauma-Informed Providers

Clinicians well-versed in trauma-informed care work to explore what happened to you that may have felt traumatic rather than concentrate solely on your current symptoms. They employ screening tools to identify trauma histories and adapt their treatment to each individual’s unique circumstances. These clinicians are trained in handling substance abuse and mental health conditions, acknowledging that the two often co-exist. Moreover, trauma-informed therapists use empowering language that helps you feel more in the driver’s seat of your life. 

Trauma-informed care is not a technique—it’s a philosophy that should permeate all aspects of your therapeutic experience. The therapist’s goal is to create a space of safety, trust, and empowerment for their clients. Be mindful of their language and how it can either build trust or unintentionally reinforce trauma. By integrating these principles and language strategies into their practice, a trauma-informed therapist will foster a healing environment that honors the client’s journey and promotes recovery.

Trauma-informed care also recognizes the impact of trauma across various service systems, from hospitals to schools. The National Center for Trauma and Behavioral Health underscores the importance of these principles being embedded across all health settings, including physical examination procedures and broader health services.

Learn more about the importance of trauma and mental health services as recommended by SAMHSA.

What are the Benefits of Trauma-Informed Therapy?

Trauma-informed therapy helps individuals manage the long-term effects of trauma by addressing the emotional, cognitive, and physical impact. Key benefits include improved coping mechanisms, reduced anxiety and depression, better interpersonal relationships, and a reduced risk of re-traumatization.

What Types of Trauma Does Trauma-Informed Care Address?

Trauma-informed care can address a variety of traumas, including physical and emotional abuse, sexual assault, neglect, domestic violence, and childhood trauma. It also includes care for individuals who have experienced complex or chronic trauma from long-term exposure to distressing events.

How Can I Find a Trauma-Informed Therapist?

To find a trauma-informed therapist, look for professionals who specialize in trauma recovery, have certifications in trauma-informed care, and practice approaches like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Internal Family Systems (IFS), Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT),  or somatic therapies. The Better You Institute in Philadelphia offers trauma-informed services, which can be a great resource for individuals needing specialized care.

Trauma-Informed Providers at Better You Institute

At Better You Institute, we understand the lasting impact that trauma can have on your life. Our trauma-informed clinicians are specially trained to recognize and respond to trauma, using evidence-based screening tools to identify trauma histories and adapt treatment to each individual’s unique needs. We offer comprehensive trauma-sensitive care to help you heal and regain control of your life. We also offer a supportive group for individuals healing from trauma.

Trauma isn’t just something that happened in the past—it can shape how you feel, think, and react in the present. Have you survived a traumatic event in your past? Do you feel like it’s holding you back from living the life you want? At Better You Institute, we specialize in helping individuals just like you who feel stuck under a cloud of negative emotions. If you’re feeling weighed down, unmotivated, or struggling with inner conflict, our therapists are here to help you break free and reclaim your life.

You don’t have to fight this battle alone.
At Better You Institute, we focus on healing the whole person, ensuring that our trauma-informed services support your emotional and mental well-being. We provide a safe space where you can explore your thoughts, identify patterns that may be holding you back, and start making meaningful changes. It’s time to take that step toward the future you deserve.

Ready to start your journey of healing? Contact Better You Institute today to schedule a consultation and begin transforming your life with trauma-informed care.

Call us now at 267-495-4951 or visit our website to learn more about our trauma recovery programs and specialized therapy options.

What Trauma-Informed Services Does the Better You Institute in Philadelphia Provide?

The Better You Institute in Philadelphia offers various trauma-informed services, including individual therapy, couples therapy, and group therapy. Our clinicians are trained in trauma-sensitive approaches that empower clients, provide emotional safety, and help individuals start the healing process. 

Final Thoughts

With the right providers, the process of recovery becomes more manageable. Whether you’re recovering from trauma exposure in your family, community, or past, finding the right trauma-informed clinician is important for achieving well-being. Mental health services that encourage trauma-informed practices are necessary to help patients recover from the effects of trauma, allowing them to regain control of their lives and improve their overall health.

Ready to begin your healing? Contact The Better You Institute to schedule an appointment today.

The post Understanding Trauma-Informed Care in Mental Health: Key Principles for Healing appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Therapy is a powerful tool for anyone looking to improve their emotional well-being and lead a more fulfilling life. It’s not just for those at their lowest or dealing with severe mental illness; therapy is for everyone. It provides a safe, confidential space to explore your thoughts and feelings, offering customized support and coping strategies that friends may not be able to provide. Therapy helps with stress, personal growth, and maintaining mental health.

Affordable options are available, making it accessible to more people.

Why should I go to therapy?

Therapy offers a safe, confidential space to explore and address emotional, psychological, or behavioral challenges. A therapist provides unbiased support, tools, and coping strategies tailored to your unique needs. It can lead to improved mental health, self-awareness, resilience, enhancing relationships and overall well-being. Seeking therapy is a proactive step toward personal growth and a happier, more fulfilling life.

What is therapy actually for?

Therapy can be used to address various issues or concerns, from mental health conditions like anxiety and depression to life challenges, trauma, and relationship difficulties. There is no one size fits all for how therapy can work. You may have asked yourself “How helpful therapy can really be?” Or “I don’t really need it if I’m only a little sad right now?” Certain myths of therapy may have swayed you away from actually engaging in this powerful experience. Continue reading below to learn more about the myths of therapy debunked. 

6 Myths of Therapy

Only crazy people go to therapy 

Have you heard this before? Maybe it was echoed on a television show, a movie, or by a family member during your lifetime. It wasn’t too long ago (early-mid 1900s) that people deemed “crazy” or “mentally ill” were given lobotomies as a form of psychiatric treatment, which we now know was not only extremely harmful but very ineffective. Women experiencing emotional distress, anxiety, or symptoms deemed inexplicable were labeled as “hysterical”. We have an extensive history of resorting to negative and ineffective treatments around being “crazy” and continuing this label and these myths of therapy will just repeat our past instead of supporting effective and helpful treatments.

That being said, thinking only crazy people go to therapy is a very harmful label of a person and a wildly inaccurate representation of therapy. Therapy is a space for everyone and anyone to attend for many reasons or presenting concerns or issues. Although the insurance industry would want you to believe that you need a diagnosis to get treatment, this is simply not true. Therapy can be used for those suffering from depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, or other clinical diagnoses. Therapy can also be used for people who just don’t feel satisfied with life, want more from life, have relational issues, want to learn how to be more assertive, or align themselves with their values better. None of these topics qualify for a clinical diagnosis per say but do render you fit for using therapy as a tool to reach your goals. Indeed, therapy can include an array of topics from depression or anxiety, trauma, grief, social or intimate relationship issues, job stressors, communication skill concerns, wanting to increase self-esteem or confidence, learning to navigate stress better, and so much more. Therapy is not a one-size-fits-all model. 

Therapy is for when you’re at rock bottom 

Many people believe you only go to therapy when you are at your lowest. Unfortunately, this reactive way of looking at therapy is part of a systemic issue within our medical systems driven mostly by money. If you build and maintain a healthy lifestyle and overall well-being, there is no need for medical services, and therefore there is no money. What many people don’t know is that therapy is available for any stage of your life, not just the worst parts of it. In fact, using therapy as a proactive tool to maintain the life you already feel good in or building on it to be the best can have immaculate results for your life! 

Therapy can be a preventative support system to help you learn how to increase helpful coping skills, social support, new ways to sit with your emotions, and so much more. When these skills are worked on in a neutral state in therapy versus just at rock bottom moments, you can learn to process, cope, and ultimately tolerate the events better. Whereas, if you are trying to learn new skills while in a heightened state of arousal and overwhelm, these skills may be harder to establish. Also, it may be more challenging to build a safe and effective relationship with a therapist when you are coming in at your lowest because you may not be in a place to be as open or receptive to helpful treatment. 

Therapy is just talking, and it’s all the same

While talk therapy is one type of therapy, it’s not the only kind, so don’t let the myths of therapy deter you. You may be envisioning a person laying on a couch gushing out all their thoughts and dreams based on Freud’s work, but that’s not what therapy always looks like. Different therapy models and interventions have been around for years and may use variations of talk therapy, somatic therapy (more body-focused), trauma interventions, and more. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is used to help you better understand how your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are connected and ways to help reframe unhelpful thinking patterns. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) can assist with coping with intense emotional distress and increasing healthy interpersonal relationships. With these different models and approaches come activities like having regular take-home assignments to practice, using meditations in sessions, or using physical relaxation techniques. 

I don’t need therapy, I can just talk to my friends 

Friends are so supportive and can offer very real and helpful feedback in many situations. However, friends rarely can pick up on specific patterns, self-talk cycles, or connections and understandings to statistical data that a trained therapist can. A therapist will also work to provide you with a non-judgmental or biased approach in situations where friends may not be able to. And in some cases, you might not feel ready to tell a friend certain things for different reasons but one may be that it’s possible that friend may have trouble keeping it to themselves or holding space for you in the way that you need right now. A therapist is ethically and legally obligated to keep what you say private (with the exception of threats of serious harm to yourself or someone else or danger to a child). Clinicians are trained to set their stuff aside to be able to create safety and hold space for you in whatever you bring into the room with them. Friends may also give you unsolicited advice, where a therapist will approach topics and issues from a trained perspective giving you what you need to learn and grow. 

I’ll have to be in therapy forever 

Therapy will look different for everyone. Therapy is for you to take from it what you want, it doesn’t be forever if you don’t want it to. Some people do stay in therapy long-term because it’s effective for them and their treatment. Others may have shorter-term goals that take a few months only. Some people may return to therapy multiple times in life as they go through new life transitions or have different events happen. There is no one right way of therapy. As you go through therapy, new topics or issues may arise either from your exploration in therapy or different life events. As such, your goals may shift throughout your therapy experience, which can also impact the length of therapy. Your therapist should also be checking in with you on how the sessions are going, where progress is at, and when discharge from treatment may be appropriate. These conversations help both you the client and the therapist, assess how goals and treatment are going, any new needs or goals to be worked on, and highlight growth made. 

Therapy is too expensive 

Therapy is an investment in yourself, much like going to the gym or eating nutritious foods. As stated above, therapy does not have to be a forever investment. However, if you spend the money and time emotionally investing in this process, you will feel better and be able to manage your life easier. Feeling confident, organized, and in tune with yourself is priceless. You will open many doors for yourself just by feeling more balanced and having control of your health and well-being. Think long-term goals with short-term investment. 

Many therapists understand the frustration and difficulty that comes with finding a good therapist that fits your needs. It can be hard to find affordable therapy, but that doesn’t mean it’s unavailable. There are a lot of therapists who provide sliding scale or fee reduction options for clients. Many agencies bring on interns or pre-licensed clinicians who charge less because they are still in training. Yet, these clinicians are heavily supervised, thus giving you two therapists for the price of one! Most agencies will help you navigate the in-network and out of network insurance reimbursement you can receive for treatment as well. Lastly, different non-profit organizations or community mental health agencies also offer lower-fee therapy options. Don’t dismiss your needs or therapy interest without asking providers for options.

Next steps

Now that you have a better understanding of the facts of therapy versus the myths of therapy, take some time to reflect on what you can do next to support yourself. Think about any therapy myths you have heard or learned to believe and start to challenge some of them as you read in this article. Therapy can be a supportive, empowering, reflective, beautiful life changing experience. You deserve that space. If you are interested in learning more about therapy and what we can offer you at The Better You Institute, please call us today at 267-495-4951 to set up an appointment with one of our trained therapists.

Learn more about Caitlin Siekerka ⇒

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Congratulations! You’ve decided to get therapy. You’ve gone back and forth with yourself, and possibly your loved ones, about what getting therapy means about you and if it can actually help. Spoiler alert- therapy will benefit you, and you may even have a little fun in the process! Now you’re probably wondering how to find a therapist in Philadelphia. There are so many things to consider.

How to find a therapist in Philadelphia

We have heard countless times from our clients that finding a therapist in Philadelphia can be daunting, frustrating, and exhausting. Admittedly, given the plethora of therapists, counselors, and psychologists in the Greater Philadelphia area, we are a little surprised by this. Luckily, you found our website to access high-quality clinicians in the Philadelphia area. Further, you can get additional information on finding a therapist in Philadelphia that’s right for you. Yes, it may not be one of our therapists, so we want to make sure you get the help you seek from someone you find to be a good fit.

Thinking about getting the process of finding a therapist in Philadelphia can feel overwhelming. You might be thinking to yourself, do I even need a therapist? How will I know if the therapist is the right fit for me? Is it even worth paying for a therapist if I have friends and family that can help me? These are all great questions. We will answer these and more throughout this page. We aim to make finding a therapist in Philadelphia less stressful and more streamlined for you.

Where can I find a therapist in Philadelphia?

As stated above, there are a lot of therapists, psychologists, and counselors throughout Greater Philadelphia and Pennsylvania. The first question you should ask yourself is, where do you want to receive therapy? Do you want the convenience of virtual/online therapy, or do you want to know that you have a space specially dedicated to your therapeutic process and come in person for your therapy sessions?

After deciding whether you want virtual or in-person therapy sessions, think about timing. Therapy can be difficult at times, it can take up a lot of emotional, mental, and sometimes even physical energy. Do you want your sessions to be during a time when you have the most energy so that you can put it toward working on yourself? Or maybe you feel it’s best to have your session at the end of the day so you can go veg out afterward? Lastly, what is your daily schedule? Where can you accommodate a 50-minute therapy session in your work or school schedule?

Once you’ve decided time of day, you have the location somewhat narrowed down. If you think your sessions should fall during the work or school day, and you want in-person sessions, you should probably look for a therapist close to your work or school. However, if you want virtual sessions, it’s probably more advantageous to look for a clinician that has openings for the time of day that is best for you. This clinician may be a few hours away from you geographically but a good match for your schedule.

Now think about what kind of agency do you want your clinician to be working for. Are you looking for someone who works at a larger agency that takes your health insurance or maybe offers free services because the government subsidizes them? Or are you looking for someone working for a boutique group practice that can hold smaller caseloads? Maybe you don’t want an agency at all, you just want someone who is a sole practitioner not bound by anyone’s structure but their own, so that they can offer a bit more flexibility.

The last thing you need to consider when thinking about where you can find a therapist in Philadelphia is the therapist. Do you want them to have a particular certification, such as certified sex therapist, EMDR trained, or IFS informed? Many certifying agencies have websites that list their certified therapists, which could be a good resource for finding a therapist that’s a good fit for you.

Do you want your therapist to be of a specific background? Plenty of websites serve specific populations, such as Therapy for Black Girls or Inclusive Therapists. Which gender do you want your therapist to be? Many can be searched using a specific gender. These qualifiers should lead you to more helpful websites than just a Google search bar. Or at least have you be more specific in your Google search to get closer to a therapist that is a good fit for you.

Helpful trade outs for your searches:

When searching for a therapist, try to be as specific as possible.

Helpful websites to help you find different therapists:

• Theraphy Den
• Psychology Today
• Good Therapy
• Clarity Ease
• Your health insurance directory
• American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
• American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists

How do I know if I need therapy?

People get into therapy for a variety of different reasons. Some people have a past they want to heal from, while others feel stuck in moving forward and need help figuring out where to go. Whether you want to go back in time to explore or shoot forward and feel better, therapy can help you gain insights into your interworld and how you fit into the world at large.

Top reasons people attend therapy:

1. You feel stuck.
2. The past seems like it keeps repeating itself.
3. You’re lonely.
4. Low self-esteem or worth.
5. As a couple, you have communication issues.
6. You feel like an underlying issue or truth about yourself needs to be discovered or revealed.
7. Your relationship/sex life/work life isn’t where you want them to be.

Is it worth it to pay for a therapist in Philadelphia?

The short answer is yes. The long answer discusses investment in yourself and prioritizing growth. Much like going to the gym regularly, going on vacation, or having regularly scheduled meetings with your financial advisor, therapy can play a vital role in helping you maintain your well-being. Just like the gym, vacation, and a financial advisor cost money, so does therapy. You have to get yourself into the growth mindset.

Whether you want to work through old pain points and traumas or explore new behaviors and thoughts to help you feel happier and healthier, therapy in Philadelphia can help. For most of you reading this, therapy will be a brief part of your life. According to a research study published by the APA, ​​50% of clients in therapy average 15-20 weekly sessions to feel a measurable difference in their symptoms. For a more complete symptom remission, some clients stay for 20-30 weekly sessions. When there are more severe symptoms or comorbid diagnoses, clients tend to stay longer in treatment averaging 12-18 months. In the grand scheme of your life, 6-18 months doesn’t seem like that big of an investment of time but can have significant payoffs regarding how you feel and your overall well-being. When you are emotionally stable, thinking clearly, and acting in line with your values and belief systems, other things will fall into place. You will notice your friend circles are more fulfilling, your family brings you more joy, your career starts to take off, and so much more.

Ok, so you’re emotionally invested in getting therapy and think it could be really good for you. However, when you start to call around and ask people what the fees are for therapy, you find yourself asking, is it worth it to pay for a therapist in Philadelphia? With the new federal No Surprises Act, your provider should notify you of any fees you incur during your therapeutic treatment upfront before your first appointment. If you have questions, your therapist should take the time to answer anything they can or direct you to where you can find the answers. The two significant splits in your providers are whether they are “in-network” or “out of network” with your insurance. If you have a Health Savings Account (HSA) or a Flexible Spending Account (FSA) available to you, you can use that money to pay your copays or the out-of-pocket fees associated with your therapy services.

You have health insurance. Why would you not use your health insurance to pay for your sessions? Great question, and one we hear a lot! Our FAQ tab gives some insurance and payment details; you can read more below in the ‘my insurance doesn’t cover my therapy. What options do I have?’ section.

My insurance doesn’t cover my therapy. What options do I have?

If a provider is in-network with your insurance, that means the provider has a contract with your insurance company and will handle the billing directly with your insurance company. The insurance company sets the fee to reimburse your therapist plus a copay if applicable. If you have a copay, you are responsible for paying that to the therapist out of pocket.

If your therapist is out of network (OON), it means they do not have a relationship with your insurance company. Therefore, you will have to pay their fee out of pocket. However, you may submit to your insurance a receipt (that includes the therapist’s license #, NPI, a diagnosis code, a CPT code, and the date of service) for reimbursement if your policy offers OON benefits.

Typically, PPO plans (as opposed to HMO plans) offer OON benefits and reimburse at about 50-80% of allowable/proprietary fees after a deductible has been met. Allowable/proprietary fees are what the insurance company sets as the fees they consider appropriate for the services rendered (e.g., $100 for individual therapy). That means if your therapist charges $150 for individual therapy and your insurance will reimburse you at a rate of 50% of allowable/proprietary fees ($100), your insurance company will reimburse you $50 of the $150 fee.

There are pros and cons to both in-network and OON providers. In-network providers tend to cost you less over the course of your treatment because your insurance covers the costs. However, some OON providers will work with you to get your costs after reimbursement down to your copay. In-network providers are bound by the insurance companies in the services they can provide to you. Some insurance companies limit your sessions per week, month, or year. Or they limit the diagnosis they will reimburse for (e.g., most health insurances won’t reimburse for sexual functioning issues or couple’s therapy. Instead, an individual within the couple must carry a valid diagnosis). Additionally, insurance companies can audit a therapist’s chart at any time. Thus, they can access your assessment, treatment plan, and session notes. Lastly, people tend to want to keep costs down, so it’s common for in-network providers to have waiting lists, despite having larger caseloads than OON providers. Moreover, most insurance companies will only reimburse for licensed clinicians or those supervised by someone licensed. Accessing someone within your network with immediate openings could create more barriers to accessing treatment. Remember, therapy is an investment in yourself, and you spent a long time preparing yourself for this process. Strike while the iron is hot. A waiting list may deter you from staying motivated.

OON providers tend to cost a bit more as you pay out of pocket for their services. The cost could create a barrier to treatment. However, OON providers do not get audited by your insurance, so they only submit your service and diagnostic codes (if you want reimbursement) to your insurance company. OON providers have much more flexibility with handling your services – length of treatment, diagnosing, and services rendered (e.g., virtual vs. in-person vs. walk-and-talk services), couples intensives, etc. Because OON providers set their own fees, they tend to have smaller caseloads allowing more time spent researching or looking into resources for your treatment.

Let’s say you can’t find anyone with openings in network with your insurance company and want to keep costs down when paying out of pocket. Depending on your state, some therapists are allowed to practice with an associate’s license or under the supervision of someone licensed. You may also find agencies that take on Master’s and Doctoral level interns. Depending on what level of expertise your therapist is, you may be able to get services at a lower cost than the going rate in your area.

Additionally, most therapists offer what is called “sliding scale” fees. This is a discounted fee of their typical fee based on the client’s financial needs. Another way to decrease costs is to ask for biweekly treatment rather than weekly. Please be aware that biweekly treatment means you must hold yourself accountable for doing the work between the sessions and stay motivated and on track to working on your goals. You may also be eligible for a tax credit, which your therapist can also provide a receipt for.

By now, you should have a good idea of start-up conversations with a potential therapist or their intake coordinator: are they in network or OON, do they have different clinicians working at different levels with a range of fees, and do they offer a sliding scale? You should also ask them for their NPI or Tax ID when you call your insurance provider to check your benefits.

So what do you ask your insurance company to see what your coverage looks like? If your therapist is in-network, you should call the phone number on the back of your card and ask them the following questions:

1. Does my plan cover mental health?
2. Do I have a copay? How much is it?
3. Do you limit how many appointments I can have within a week/month/year?
4. Are there any diagnoses that aren’t covered?
5. When auditing the therapists’ charts, What information do you look at?

If your therapist is OON, here is a script of the conversation you should have with your insurance representative

What questions should I ask to make sure my therapist is a good fit?

There are many factors that you should consider when thinking about if your therapist is a good fit. As mentioned above, you want to consider yourself and your scheduling needs, if you want virtual or in-person appointments, what characteristics the therapist has that will help you feel most comfortable in the therapy space, and cost and if you want to use your insurance.

In addition to this list, you want to see how you feel about the person. Some people can judge their comfort levels by a consultation phone call, while others need an entire session to feel out the therapist and themselves in the therapy space. Our motto is that clients should always shop around until they find someone they feel entirely safe and comfortable. Therapy is a vulnerable journey to embark on, you don’t want to share that with just anyone!

Think about your personality and things that you enjoy about your friendships or family relationships. Let these two things guide you to ensure your therapist is a good fit for you. Are you the type of person who likes to laugh and loosen up, or do you always take things seriously and want someone who can be in that space with you? Do you want a therapist to share some things about themselves for you to relate to, or do you want the therapist to stay somewhat of a mystery to you? You also have to ask yourself what things would annoy you. For instance, a therapist’s voice, mannerisms, or office space smells funny. Think about all of the things that could serve to distract you from your ultimate goal and try to avoid them when making sure you find a therapist that is a good fit for you.

You also want to think about the therapist’s style. Do they give homework between sessions? Are they certified, or do they closely practice a specific model? If so, do you like that model’s take on therapy, and do you think it will work for you? Does the therapist come into each session with an agenda, or do they let you lead? Remember, your therapist is working for you. Some people need the therapist to take more control, whereas others want a sounding board and some insight but can hold themselves accountable to do the work. Check out our article on FAQs

Questions to ask the therapist to make sure your therapist is a good fit for you:

1. What is your cancellation policy?
2. Do you use humor in your sessions?
3. Are you more stoic in sessions, or do you sometimes share some personal information about yourself?
4. What is your schedule of availability?
5. Do you give homework?
6. Are you certified in anything?
7. If you’re skeptical about therapy, it could be helpful to hear how the therapist has worked with resistant clients.
8. What are your fees?
9. How long is a typical session?
10. How frequently do you meet with your clients?
11. Do you take my insurance?
12. Do you help with OON reimbursement?
13. Lastly, and most importantly, discuss with the therapist a little bit about what’s going on for you and what your ultimate goals are for therapy. Pay attention to how you feel when you are giving them this information. Then pay attention to how they respond, does their reaction to your information feel good to you?

How to book a therapy session with The Better You Institute

We have a streamlined process for getting you set up with a therapist. You can reach out using our contact form, email us at info@thebetteryouinstitute.com, or call us at 267-495-4951. Our Intake Coordinator will be on the receiving end of your reach-out to set up a complimentary phone consultation. You will get about 15 minutes to discuss what’s going on for you so that the coordinator can match you with one of our therapists. During this phone call, you should ask the questions from above and consider all of the factors discussed in the above sections.

At the end of your phone consultation, you will hear who the coordinator thinks you’d be a good fit with. Sometimes, one clinician seems like such a perfect fit, while other times, you might have 2-3 therapists that could be a good fit for you. If this is the case, the coordinator will encourage you to look at the therapist’s website blurbs or read a self-help tip or two written by each of the therapists to get a better sense of each of them.

Once you’ve decided who you want to work with, the coordinator will schedule you on a day and time that works best for you. You will give your first and last name, email address, and phone number to get signed up. You will also pay our holding fee of 20% of the therapist’s fee. From there, you will get automated emails inviting you into our portal system. Before your appointment, we ask that you fill out the paperwork so that it doesn’t take up time in your session.

The post How to find a therapist in Philadelphia: A Full Guide appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Individuals and couples are exploring different forms of relationships and intimacy. One of the most prevalent topics is ethical non-monogamy (ENM). While non-monogamous relationships have been around for centuries, it is only in recent times that we have seen a growing awareness and acceptance of non-monogamous relationships as a viable and principaled option for some.

Ethical non-monogamy is a topic that needs to be discussed openly and honestly. In this blog post, I will explore what ethical non-monogamy is, why some people choose it, and the challenges and benefits of this type of relationship.

What is Ethical Non-Monogamy?

Ethical non-monogamy is a term used to describe any type of consensual relationship arrangement where the partners agree to have romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people outside of the primary partnership while still engaging and maintaining their dyad. This can include open relationships, polyamory, swinging, and various other types of consensual non-monogamy.jdj

One of the most important aspects of ethical non-monogamy is that all partners must agree to the arrangement and consent to any new relationships or activities. This arrangement requires a high level of communication, trust, and transparency between partners, as well as a deep understanding of one’s own boundaries and needs.

Why Do People Choose Ethical Non-Monogamy?

There are many reasons why someone might choose to explore ethical non-monogamy. For some, it is a way to explore different aspects of their sexuality or romantic desires that they may not be able to express in a monogamous relationship. For others, it is a way to experience emotional and sexual connection with multiple partners while still maintaining a primary partnership.

Some people choose ethical non-monogamy because they have a deep belief in the idea that love and connection should not be restricted to just one person. For these individuals, monogamy can feel like a societal construct that limits their ability to fully explore their desires and connect with others on a deeper level.

Challenges of Ethical Non-Monogamy

While ethical non-monogamy can be a fulfilling and enriching experience for some, it is important to recognize that it comes with its own unique set of challenges. One of the biggest challenges is jealousy, which can arise when one partner feels insecure or threatened by the other’s relationships with new partners.

Jealousy is a normal human emotion, and it is not limited to non-monogamous relationships. However, in non-monogamous relationships, jealousy can be heightened due to the vulnerable nature of the other potential multiple romantic or sexual relationships. It is important for partners to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings of jealousy and to work together to find ways to address them. This communication should be done from a team mentality where both partners are making space for each other’s feelings and experiences. If you find yourself communicating with anger or contempt, your jealousy may be leading the conversation and a break to gather yourself may be necessary.

Another challenge of ethical non-monogamy is the potential for STIs and other health risks. It is important for partners to practice safe sex and to regularly get tested for STIs to protect themselves and their partners. An important conversation to have between the primary partners is one where they outline the boundaries and limitations of their relationship as well as the relationship with the other partners. For example, many primary partners decide they only want to be fluid partners with one another and agree to not pass fluids between outside partners.

Finally, ethical non-monogamy can be challenging due to societal norms and stigmas surrounding non-monogamous relationships. Many people still view non-monogamy as immoral or unethical, which can make it difficult for individuals to openly discuss their relationships or find support from others. This phenomenon may result in members of ENM relationships feeling isolated, lonely, and misunderstood.

Benefits of Ethical Non-Monogamy

Despite the challenges, there are many potential benefits to ethical non-monogamous relationships. For some, it can lead to a deeper level of emotional and sexual connection with their partners, as well as a greater sense of personal growth and self-awareness. Non-monogamy can also provide an opportunity for partners to explore different aspects of their sexuality and desires, which can be empowering and liberating.

In addition, non-monogamous relationships can provide a sense of community and support, as individuals who are exploring ethical non-monogamy can connect with others who share similar experiences and perspectives. This can provide a sense of validation and acceptance that can be difficult to find in a society that often stigmatizes non-monogamous relationships. Furthermore, a society that often stigmatizes sexuality, even if you fall within the heteronormative communities.

Additionally, ethical non-monogamy can be a way to challenge societal norms and expectations around relationships and intimacy. It can provide a space for individuals to explore alternative forms of intimacy and connection, and to challenge the idea that there is only one “right” way to love. This challenge of norms can be empowering to individuals. It can feel vulnerable, thereby increasing intimacy between partners out of the sheer social risk of the relationship.

What are bad reasons for getting involved in ethical non-monogamy?

ENM is not for everyone, and it is not a solution to every relationship issue. It requires a high level of communication, trust, and emotional intelligence, as well as a deep understanding of one’s own needs and boundaries. It is not a decision to be taken lightly, and it is important for individuals and couples to seek out the support and guidance of a qualified therapist if they are considering exploring ethical non-monogamy.

Common reasons couples choose to get into an ethical non-monogamous relationship are below. These are reasons that, without thorough exploration and decision-making, could get the couple in trouble and cause more heartache than connection.

1. Your partner won’t have sex with you as often as you’d like
2. You can’t get emotionally what you need from your partner
3. You are in a long-distance relationship
4. One partner fell in love with someone else but didn’t want to end the relationship
5. Low sexual satisfaction in the monogamous relationship

Too often, couples open their relationship up instead of having tough conversations where each partner feels heard and has the potential to make changes to get what they want. Not feeling sexually satisfied or not feeling emotionally connected to your partner are reasons to lean into the relationship, not open it up. These reasons have the potential to breed jealousy. They are also indicative of each partner not being willing to be vulnerable with one another. Together, these are symptoms of someone who is not in touch with themselves or their partner’s needs.

In conclusion, ethical non-monogamy is a complex and multifaceted topic that requires a nuanced and open-minded approach. While it is not for everyone, it can be a fulfilling and enriching experience for those who choose to explore it. As therapists, it is our responsibility to provide a safe and non-judgmental space for individuals and couples to explore their desires and needs and to support them in their journey toward greater intimacy, connection, and self-awareness.

If you are thinking about getting into an ethical non-monogamous relationship, please consult with a trained therapist first. The therapist can help guide conversations to explore in-depth the reasons for embarking on this type of relationship.

The post Ethical Non-Monogamy appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Asexuality, a spectrum where individuals experience little to no sexual attraction, is often misunderstood, even within the LGBTQIA+ community. Asexual individuals (aces) can have fulfilling romantic and sexual relationships, but these require clear communication, especially with allosexual partners (those who experience sexual attraction).

Recognizing asexuality as a valid identity and supporting ace individuals is crucial for empathy and inclusivity. To learn more, consult resources like the Asexual Visibility & Education Network or speak with specialized therapists. Understanding and support from others make a significant difference.

What is Asexuality?

Asexuality is a sexual identity in which one experiences little to no sexual attraction to other people. Asexuality is a spectrum. Asexual is on one end, and allosexual is on the other, with “allosexual” referring to people who do experience sexual attraction. Several identities fall on the spectrum in between, such as graysexuality (only experiencing sexual attraction on rare occasions) and demisexuality (only experiencing sexual attraction when they have a strong emotional bond with a partner). Many individuals will refer to themselves as being “ace” or being on the “ace spectrum.”

What is not Asexuality?

To fully understand what asexuality is, it is equally important to understand what it is not. If someone identifies as asexual, that does not mean they experience no desire for romantic relationships. There are people who identify as asexual and aromantic (experiencing no romantic attraction), but they are two entirely different meanings. Asexual people just as often do experience romantic attraction and desire emotional intimacy and forms of physical intimacy that are not sexual. Asexuality is not remaining abstinent for religious reasons. It is not avoiding sexual interactions because of past traumas. It is not a form of sexual repression or a sexual dysfunction disorder. It is its own sexual identity with lots of nuance and variance.

History of Asexuality

Asexuality was brought more into the mainstream vernacular in recent years, mainly due to having more information about the identity being spread on the internet. Because it became more widely known via internet spheres, the identity is sometimes misrepresented as the first sexual orientation to have its “birth” occur in the media sphere. However, asexuality as a concept can be traced all the way back to the 19th century. The key difference here is that it was not called asexuality or even considered a sexuality at all. When asexuality was first discussed by German sexologist Magnus Hirschfield in 1896, it was discussed far more medically. At this time, asexuality was misrepresented as “sexual anesthesia,” essentially sexual frigidity. It wasn’t until a year later when German sexual reformist Emma Trosse first defined asexuality as something not abnormal nor unusual but rather as a valid identity deserving of respect and protection. So whilst the term may have been popularized largely in media spaces, it was coined much longer ago. That being said, the term has significantly evolved from being a cookie-cutter sexuality with only one meaning to its interpretation today as existing on more of a spectrum.

Misconceptions About Asexuality

In a 2020 survey of over 40,000 LGBTQIA+ youth done by the Trevor Project, 10% of participants identified as being on the ace spectrum, someone aligning with an identity falling under the umbrella of the “asexual” umbrella. However, asexual youth did report higher rates of depression and anxiety when compared to the overall sample. Though asexual people have a community all of their own, they are also part of the larger queer community. These rates of depression and anxiety are largely because asexual individuals can encounter prejudice from both the non-queer community and the queer community. Facing prejudice from within one of your own communities is a uniquely harmful experience, feeling outcasted by a group of people meant to welcome you.

There are people who have difficulty understanding or accepting asexuality because of the misconception that sexuality is an essential aspect of being human. The “Freud Effect” is a widespread misconstruction that our sex drive is the predominant incentive for human behavior. Sigmund Freud was an Austrian psychologist often cited as “The Father of Psychoanalysis.” Despite his profound influence on the practice of psychotherapy, many of his ideas are highly criticized today, particularly the way in which he tied almost every human thought and behavior, especially subconscious thoughts and behaviors, to sexual urges. Sex is certainly an important aspect for many people as a form of self-expression, intimate connection, or pleasure, but sex is only essential if you view it that way. 

Some people also view asexuality as “unnatural,” despite asexuality occurring in other species, such as Komodo dragons, wasps, turkeys, and scorpions. Asexual people are sometimes met with a sense of pity, as allosexual people are curious as to how they have healthy relationships if they don’t have sex with their partner. However, asexual people can date, have sex, and have perfectly healthy relationships. 

So Asexuals Never Have Sex?

A common question that comes up around asexuality is if they have sex or not. There are asexuals who are open to having sex, there are asexuals who are sex-repulsed, and there are asexuals falling somewhere between these two extremes. In a 2019 study done by researchers at the Kinsey Institute, 1,093 adults who identified as being on the ace spectrum were surveyed. 98% of asexuals and graysexuals, and 100% of demisexuals reported that they had engaged in sexual activity in the past, but only 4% of asexuals and graysexuals, and 11.5% of demisexuals reported that they had an interest in engaging in sexual activities in the future. To put it more succinctly, despite not having a lot of interest in sexual activity, a good deal of ace people indicate willingness or responsiveness to engage in sexual activities under specific conditions. It is also worth nothing that past behaviors do not predict future behaviors, and one should not make assumptions of past behaviors based on current behaviors. 

Additionally, this same study indicated that most ace people view sex differently than allosexual people. For example, most ace people seem to view sex as any genital-based activity involving a partner, while allosexual people usually classify it as penetration. Traditional views of sex are very heteronormative, viewing the only “real” sex as penetrative. Each person’s definition of sex is unique to them. One person may consider cunnilingus as sex (not just oral sex), while another person may consider it sex whenever they reach orgasm with a partner by any means. 

How Do I Know If I’m Asexual? 

Since asexuality covers a large spectrum, people can sometimes experience difficulty trying to figure out if they align with this identity. Here are a few questions you could ask yourself if you believe you may be asexual:

• What does sexual attraction feel like for me?
• What emotions/physical reactions occur when considering having sex with someone?
• What would my ideal relationship look like in terms of physical intimacy?
• What would my ideal relationship look like in terms of emotional intimacy?
• Do I like the idea of sex?
• Do I like engaging in the physical act of sex?
• How do I define sex?
• Do I experience sexual attraction to people I don’t know well, such as celebrities, acquaintances, or strangers?
• Do I consider sex “important” to me in a relationship? 
• Do I participate in sex but not necessarily desire it?

Your answers to these questions can help you come to terms with your conceptualization of sex and relationships. This conceptualization can help you come to terms with whatever identities you wish to align with. Pay attention to what you consider to be most important in your relationships. Keep in mind that asexuality is an umbrella that covers many more specified identities. 

Examples of asexuality as an umbrella term are if you experience sexual attraction to those you are emotionally close with but not people you’ve only known for a bit or celebrities, you may be demisexual! If you experience sexual attraction and do enjoy sexual intimacy, but only rarely or sporadically, you may be graysexual! If you don’t desire to engage in sexual intimacy and you also don’t desire to engage in romantic relationships with others, you may be aromantic-asexual (aroace for short). For asexuality, like any other identity, one’s definition of their identity may be entirely unique from another’s, even if both of these individuals do identify as asexual. Try different labels and see what feels suitable for you, or simply remain unlabeled! How you communicate and align with your sexual or affectional orientation is entirely within your hands.

How Would One Facilitate an Allosexual-Asexual Relationship?

Asexual people will often seek out other asexual individuals to date. However, as mentioned earlier, many asexuals actively engage in healthy, happy relationships with allosexuals. The caveat is that these types of relationships require an enhanced level of open communication. It is important to be communicative from the early stages of a relationship. If an asexual waits until four months into a serious relationship with an allosexual to come out to them, this will inevitably create a rupture. 

Communication as a Form of Intimacy

Relationships between asexual and allosexual people foster a distinctive level of emotional intimacy because they need to communicate clearly about each other’s needs and boundaries. People’s opinions regarding sex aren’t necessarily the important part, but the way in which they communicate this to their partners is. 

Here are a few ways you can start this conversation off:

• How frequently/often would you like to have sex?
• How do you define sex?
• How do you want to approach consent? (Ongoing? Explicit asking before everything? Safe word? Etc.)
• What are your favorite forms of intimacy? (Cuddling? Kissing? Spending quality time? Penetrative sex? Etc.)
• What do you need/want from me as a partner?

Be open and come out as asexual up front:

Coming out is never easy, but it can help strengthen your identity and relationships with others through vulnerability and trust, particularly with your romantic partners. Each partner must recognize that, in both cases, the sexual attraction their partner experiences is not a choice. Neither partner should attack or invalidate the other’s sexual identity. Maybe you explain your asexuality to your partner, and they are entirely okay with continuing a relationship where sexual intimacy is structured a bit differently or is not present at all. Maybe you explain your asexuality to a partner, and they are open to continuing a relationship but want to discuss specific terms. Or maybe you explain your asexuality to a partner, and they are not willing to continue a relationship. There is nothing wrong with admitting to yourself and your partner, respectfully, that it just isn’t going to work. Different people will have different sexual and romantic needs, and sometimes they just simply won’t align. However, not every coming-out story will result in a breakup. It could facilitate open discussions or even go over entirely smoothly. The only way to discover is to broach the topic with your partner.

Find ways to connect:

When asexuals and allosexuals date, they need to be highly communicative and determine each other’s needs in the realm of physical intimacy. It is helpful to identify different strategies for connection. Some ways to do so could be:

• Decide how often you are both willing to/need to engage in sexual intimacy
• Define what sexual intimacy is to each of you
• Discuss aspects of sexual intimacy that make the experience more enjoyable for both parties
• Come up with forms of physical intimacy that are not inherently sexual
• Have each of you define “sex” and identify the similarities or overlaps
• Consider ethical non-monogamy if your visions are quite different of what each of you needs regarding sex and sexual intimacy

Though there are many asexual people in relationships with allosexual people, the mismatch in sexual desire can inevitably lead to increased tension if partners do not communicate properly. It can be helpful to seek outside intervention from a couples therapist, especially one who may have an interest in sex therapy or in-depth knowledge of asexuality.

Practicing Asexual Allyship

Asexual advocacy is not just a role for people who are asexual themselves. Allosexual individuals can do a lot of good by practicing asexual allyship. Allyship involves advocating for the asexual community in a myriad of ways. Practicing allyship could look like:

• Making sure to include the “A” for asexuality when referring to the queer community (i.e., “LGBTQIA+” rather than “LGBT,” “LGBTQ,” or “Gay” community)
• Learning more about asexual experiences and how they vary (seeking out resources, fostering open discussions with community members, etc.)
• Approach asexual individuals with acceptance but without “othering” them
• Believe asexual individuals (e.g., if your asexual friend often tells you about them having sex with their partner, do not doubt their asexuality)
• Don’t ask intrusive questions
• Call out asexual erasure and ace-phobia when you see it

Though being an ally is a helpful act for non-asexual individuals, remember that you will never know “more” about the asexual experience than a member of the community. The best way to be an ally is not to lead the action for asexual acceptance but rather to act as an affirming support while community members take the reins.

Maybe you are slowly coming to terms with your asexuality. Maybe you are an allosexual first learning about the concept. Maybe you are half of an asexual-allosexual relationship, hoping to find a better way to foster communication. No matter your connection to asexuality, it is important to know what the identity is and how to stick up for the asexuals who are so often overlooked in both queer and non-queer communities. 

If you want to learn more about asexuality or if you are asexual yourself, consider consulting the Asexual Visibility & Education Network at https://www.asexuality.org/. If you want to discuss asexuality more in-depth, consider calling us to collaborate with therapists that specialize in sex and sexuality. 267-495-4951

Keeghan McLane, a Clinical Mental Health Counselor Intern, is dedicated to normalizing therapy and reducing mental health stigma. Based in Philadelphia, they focus on serving a diverse client base, with a special interest in the LGBTQIA+ community. Keeghan employs Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and values building a strong, trusting counselor-client relationship. They hold a bachelor’s degree in psychology from Temple University, graduating cum laude, and are currently pursuing a master’s in clinical mental health counseling at Villanova University. Keeghan’s future goals include becoming a Licensed Professional Counselor in Pennsylvania and a certified sex therapist, supported by their background in Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies.

Learn more about Keeghan McLane ⇒

The post What Is Asexuality? A Guide for Ace & Allosexual People appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Considering therapy, but not sure how the gender of the therapist affects the therapeutic relationship or therapist’s approach? You are not alone in asking whether the sex or gender of the therapist matters. Your last therapeutic relationship may have had an impact on you and you are searching for something different: a way to challenge yourself within your own limits and boundaries, finally wanting to get rid of those haunting skeletons from your closet, gain insight of your needs from a different perspective, or explore genderism in the therapeutic relationship with a new therapist. It is challenging to see yourself step outside of the traditional gender view that your therapist is an older female who has sage wisdom and advice (she’s also got an amazing collection of books and cozy pashmina). How could a male-identifying individual ever be your therapist? It may be helpful to understand how does gender affect counseling and the therapeutic relationship impacts your progress in therapy especially when a person’s gender may be a trigger for you.

What is Genderism?

Genderism refers to the belief that there are only two genders.* This belief is a common factor in identifying who may be the right fit for you when considering therapy. Some concerns you might have in regards to working with a therapist who identifies as another gender than your own may be:

• Sensitivity to your symptoms and your traumatic experience(s)
• Level of cultural awareness and knowledge
• Empathy to what your experiences are within your gender
• How will that therapist view me and my needs?

If you find yourself considering some of these concerns due to genderism in the therapeutic relationship, it may be time to explore how to break free from these challenges. Mental health professionals must consider the recurrent scarring of traumatic histories during the therapeutic intake and assessment process. This informs treatment for multiple concerns including self-harm behavior and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).** 

How trauma impacts genderism in the therapeutic relationship.

People who have experienced traumatic life events come from different backgrounds. Each individual seeks their own way to achieve goals and objectives through therapy. This may include working through genderism in the therapeutic relationship. The impact of genderism in a therapeutic space can be valuable to address in therapy. You can have a healthy, corrective experience when working with a therapist that identifies differently than you when they meet your needs. 

From therapeutic and counseling perspectives, there have been a handful of reported approaches to working with individuals who are identified as survivors of sexual abuse and alternative traumatic life events including art therapy, EMDR, TF-CBT, and narrative therapy. Historically, literature has reported on patients’ comfort levels related to the therapist’s gender when disclosing personal trauma in therapy.***

The considerations of a patient’s level of comfort and willingness to disclose due to genderism presence may impact the therapeutic relationship through transference, countertransference, and treatment approaches. Transference is the process by which internal emotions originally associated with one person or object are unconsciously shifted and projected onto the therapist. Countertransference is a psychotherapist’s own repressed feelings in reaction to a patient’s emotions, experiences, or problems.

Gender roles in the therapeutic relationship.

You may find that there are many individuals in your life who currently see a therapist who identifies as a female. Increasing the population of male-identifying therapists in the field of counseling has been a challenge as many other traditionally female predominant fields. Research has discovered that female-identifying individuals have typically preferred to meet with a female-identifying therapist for treatment surrounding trauma and other topics one may consider to be sensitive in nature.**** This dynamic in therapy can be challenging when considering genderism in the therapeutic relationship. 

Awareness and definition of gender roles.

A consequence of being a male in the field of counseling is modifying the title of the therapist to a male therapist which engenders a system of expectations and characteristics, typically masculine ones. It is often that those seeking masculine counselors are wanting help for assertive concerns whereas feminine counselors are sought out for more personal concerns such as sexual abuse and trauma. However, there may be a male that you know directly or indirectly who has challenged the stereotype that all males are assertive and lack emotional availability, cultural awareness, and sensitivity. Cultural sensitivity is important to be aware of as therapists and humans sharing spaces beyond the therapy office. Awareness that these stereotypes of gender and sex roles do exist can be transformative for you to explore in our work together.

My role as your therapist.

Through education and training of various therapeutic approaches, a male-identifying therapist may have likely processed through their countertransference from working with individuals who have struggled through various sensitive issues and topics. In my work, I often invite individuals to ask me questions, which in turn I provide transparency and genuine support to promote a sense of warmth, compassion, and empathy for your struggles.

You have the ability to navigate through your comfort and identify your needs, sensitivities, and inform your guided treatment in therapy to overcome the genderism that has held you back for so long. In the literature that I have read and shared experiences with male-identifying colleagues at conferences, I have recognized the positive impact that male art therapists and counselors have had on survivors of trauma. This has in turn increased my willingness to not only be a healthy male role model but also increased the value and respect to hold a safe space for you to foster your own creative self-expression on your terms.

Next steps.

If you have found that voice holding you back from picking up the phone to find out more about a potential therapist because of their gender, I encourage you to think about the following steps:

1. Allow yourself to identify your reasons for seeking therapy.
2. Create your narrative while respecting your boundaries and sensitivities (genderism included).
3. Identify your strengths and limitations.
4. Create measurable goals for yourself to achieve in a reasonable amount of time while in therapy. 
5. Do your research and see what this potential therapist has to offer (i.e. What can be different this time? How can their support help me work past this trigger or life event? What are the treatment approaches available and offered by them?). 
6. Take ownership of the biases you are aware of and how they might impact your everyday relationships.

Remember, trying new things may be difficult. If you have questions or want to find out more about working past genderism in your transference through therapy, you can call The Better You Institute’s therapist in Philadelphia to make an appointment at 267-495-4951. We are currently also offering online therapy and counseling for anyone that lives further away, or is nervous about seeing a therapist in person

Meet with our team!

• * American Psychological Association of Graduate Students, 2015
• ** Mason & Lodrick, 2013
• *** Blier, Atkinson, & Geer, 1987; Hardin & Yanico, 1983; Highlen & Russell, 1980; Schwartzberg & Hammer, 1968
• **** Brodsky (as cited in DeVoe, 1990)

The post Does Sex or Gender of Therapist Matter appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Have you and your partner been wanting to find a deeper connection in the bedroom? Or, maybe your connection is struggling, and you are looking for a way to jumpstart your intimacy. Sensate focus therapy exercises for couples could be just the thing you are looking for! In this article, we will talk about what sensate focus is, give you sensate focus tips and techniques, and offer instructions to practice sensate focus.

What Is Sensate Focus?

Sensate Focus is a technique that has helped thousands of couples build on their connection, intimacy, sensuality, and sexuality. Masters and Johnson originally developed Sensate Focus in the 1960s. Sensate Focus is described as a set of formulated exercises to help you establish safety within the relationship, learn about your own sensations and those of your partner, and free yourself from outside pressures. The following sensate focus exercises are our adaptation of the Sensate Focus practice.

Sensate Focus Tips

Sensate Focus Techniques:

Set yourself up for success with the Sensate Focus exercises by following these tips:

Getting Plenty of Rest

Ensure you and your partner get plenty of rest before the exercises. While it’s great to feel relaxed by the end, you don’t want to fall asleep. If that happens, reschedule for a time when you both are well-rested and can stay awake throughout the session.

Eating Lightly

Eat lightly before the exercise. Oftentimes, when we overeat, we don’t feel our best in our bodies. Try not to let your over-full belly get in the way of your comfort and growth with your partner.

Rescheduling if Necessary

Reschedule the exercises if you and your partner aren’t getting along, feel distant, or if there is an unresolved issue. Instead, spend time resolving whatever issues may be present that serve as barriers to connection. Sensate focus exercises should be performed in a time of respect and connection. Get back to that before starting them. 

Allocating Time

Make sure you have enough time to complete the exercises. Try to switch partner roles within the same session without taking breaks, unless absolutely necessary.

Discussing Communication

Discuss communication strategies ahead of time. Determine how the receiving partner will indicate enjoyment. Options include scaling pleasure (1-10), using moans, or body movements. Or get creative and come up with your own forms of communication!

Getting Creative

Prepare creative tools to enhance the exercises. Gather items like feathers, leather, rope, lingerie, music, candles, and lighting beforehand to avoid interruptions. These items can help you explore your senses more fully.

Focusing on Sensory Experiences

The purpose of Sensate Focus is to immerse yourself in various sensory experiences, not to give a massage or touch in ways solely meant to please your partner. Focus on the sensory input without any distractions or predefined goals. Allow yourself to take pleasure in touching your partner. 

Discussing Experiences

Leave time at the end to discuss your experiences without comparing touching styles. Reflect on what it was like to be the receiver and the giver, noting preferences, pressures, areas of the body, and types of touch.

These exercises are typically done in stages over a period of several weeks. One person starts as the “giver” or “toucher,” and the other is the “receiver.” Partners then switch roles. Try to have one session where both partners get to receive touch in the same session. Eventually, you will reach the stage when there is mutual touching. If you do the exercises in the morning, you can enjoy other sexual activities in the afternoon or evening, or whatever timing works for you. The key is not to mix the exercises with your normal sexual activities.

Does Sensate Focus Really Work?

Many couples have found Sensate Focus to be highly effective in rekindling intimacy and building a deeper connection. The success of Sensate Focus lies in its ability to shift the focus from performance to sensation, creating a safe space for partners to explore each other without pressure. Studies suggest that couples who practice Sensate Focus often experience:

• Increased Emotional Intimacy: By focusing on each other’s sensations and communicating openly, couples can strengthen their emotional bonds.
• Reduced Anxiety: The non-goal-oriented nature of Sensate Focus helps reduce performance anxiety, allowing both partners to relax and enjoy the moment.
• Improved Sexual Satisfaction: Over time, the exercises can lead to a more fulfilling sexual relationship as partners become more attuned to each other’s needs and preferences.

What Is the Major Purpose of Doing Sensate Focus Exercises?

The primary purpose of Sensate Focus exercises is to enhance intimacy and rebuild sexual connection between partners. These exercises serves several key functions:

• Building Trust and Safety: Sensate Focus creates a structured, pressure-free environment where partners can explore each other’s bodies without the expectation of sexual performance.
• Enhancing Communication: It encourages open dialogue about sensations and preferences, helping partners understand and respond to each other’s needs better.
• Fostering Mindfulness: By concentrating on physical sensations, Sensate Focus promotes mindfulness and presence in intimate moments, deepening the connection between partners.
• Reducing Anxiety: Removing the focus from sexual performance helps alleviate anxiety, allowing both partners to experience pleasure more fully.
• Revitalizing Relationships: Whether used to address specific sexual issues or simply to enhance an already good relationship, Sensate Focus can revitalize intimacy and create a stronger emotional bond.

Sensate Focus Exercises & Instructions, Techniques, & Steps:

Sensate Focus Exercise Step 1

For 30-minutes, you will get the opportunity to explore your partner’s head from the shoulders up. This is a trust-building exercise as well as a safety and comfort exercise. You may use your hands or just your eyes and explore. Try to keep eye contact as best you can. You can talk, but minimally. This is more about connection through touch and eye contact than anything.

If you find yourself wanting to laugh, let yourself. If you find yourself wanting to cry, let yourself. Please give in to any emotions that you have (as long as they’re safe for you and your partner at that moment). Do not go any further than your partner’s lower neck.

You may choose to do this exercise fully clothed*, in your undergarments, or naked. Ride the wave of emotions that will come over you. Pay attention to what you feel, where your thoughts take you, and how that drives your actions with your partner. Most of all, enjoy the time while connecting with your partner.

For the Giver: What do you see? What do you feel? Where is your attention drawn? How do you find yourself wanting to touch them?

For the Receiver: What is it like having your partner explore you in this way? What do you notice about yourself? Where do you want them to touch? What feels good, what feels uncomfortable? How is it keeping eye contact?

*If you chose to stay clothed during this exercise, repeat the exercise but this time, remove your clothing and be completely naked with your partner.

Sensate Focus Exercise Step 2

Each of you is going to spend at least 30 minutes exploring the other’s full body outside of their genitals and breasts. Feel free to use your hands, lips, tongue, feather, scratcher, etc. If you use your mouth in any way, you do not have permission to try to make out with the person, touch their genitals, or any other activity that would fall into the typical “sex” category.

You do have permission to kiss their shoulder and knee and feel the difference between the two. You do have permission to lick the cress of your partner’s back and see how that feels for you and them. How does it taste? Have a conversation prior to starting the exercise to make sure the receiver doesn’t have any limitations.

Remember, the goal of the exercises is to create safety and trust. As you move forward in the stages, the idea is that some of these limitations will decrease or go away due to established safety and trust. This step should be done naked, but this is based on what you feel comfortable with. Clothing is optional*. 

Wherever you start, we will build on that in each of the stages. Both the front and the back of the receiver should be explored. Make time in the end to discuss your experiences.

*If you chose to stay clothed during this exercise, repeat the exercise but this time, remove your clothing and be completely naked with your partner.

Sensate Focus Exercise Step 3

Each of you is going to spend at least 45 minutes exploring the other. Feel free to use the “props” you brought (e.g., feathers, leather items, soft blanket, etc.). This time you are allowed to explore your partner’s genitals and breasts (aka erogenous zones). You are not allowed to use your tongue or replicate any action that would be, or is similar to, oral or manual genital manipulation.

Again, have a conversation prior to starting the exercise to make sure the receiver doesn’t have any limitations. Each of you should be naked for this exercise. Again, create time afterward to discuss what your experiences were. What is it like for your partner to touch you? Which touches do you enjoy the most? What was your least favorite part of the exercise? What did you want more of, less of?

**During each of the prior stages, feel free to take turns trying a “hand riding” technique as a means of nonverbal communication. By placing one hand on top of your partner’s hand while being touched, you can show how and where you would like to be touched by indicating more or less pressure, faster or slower pace, or a change to a different spot. The goal in providing your partner with this feedback is to give them some guidance, not to control how they are touching you.**

Sensate Focus Exercise Step 4

This time instead of taking turns, you are going to mutually touch one another at the same time. The stages before in Sensate Focus were about experiencing your own sensations where you got to lay and take it all in or focus solely on giving touch; this stage is about practicing more natural, or real life, forms of physical interaction with one another.

Each partner will shift attention to a part of their partner’s body and away from watching their own response. Experience negotiation where you may want to move your partner’s body, or they may want to move on their own.

Again, feel free to use props for this exercise. You can also use different body parts and include genitalia and breasts. Like the other stages of Sensate Focus, you’re going to pay attention to the sensations, both for you and your partner. Does your partner enjoy something, do they want you to move to a different spot, do they want a different type of touch? How are you liking this touch? Do the two of you align with each other for which type of touch you’re doing at the same time?

This stage should be done while both partners are naked. As usual, no matter how sexually aroused you feel, sexual intercourse, oral and digital manipulation are still off-limits. Remember, Sensate Focus is about enhancing the sensual dimensions of your relationship.

Sensate Focus Exercise Step 5

Here you will continue with the mutual touching of one another while moving into positions that feel more like intercourse. You can start with whatever position you’d like. Here are some suggestions of common positions: female-on-top position; male-on-top; side spoon; or doggy.

Without inserting the penis/dildo into the vaginal canal or anus, you can rub each of your genitalia against one another. Physical arousal is unnecessary here, but if it happens, let it.

Once you both feel as though you have a good sense of your own experiences in this position, try a new position. Try 2-3 positions for about 15 minutes each, or until you both feel you have a good sense of the sensations from each of the positions. Again, do not put the penis/dildo into the vaginal canal or anus.

If physical arousal to the point of ejaculation/orgasm occurs, that is okay. You should continue doing each of the exercises/positions after ejaculation/orgasm.

Sensate Focus Exercise Step 6

Start out this stage of Sensate Focus the same way you did in stage 5. Once you feel comfortable in that position and have a good sense of the sensations, you may progress to putting the tip of the penis/dildo into the vaginal cana or anus.

You should still focus on the physical sensations and stop or move back to non-genital touching if either partner becomes orgasm-focused or anxious. This is not about “finishing,” this is about prolonged sensational enjoyment and feeling one another.

It’s okay if one or both of you do not ejaculate/orgasm. That is not the focus of Sensate Focus. Continue this exercise for as long as each of you would like. Come to the decision to stop together.

Continuing Your Path to Intimacy

You have now finished The Sensate Focus Exercises. Remember, the primary goal of these exercises is not ejaculation, orgasms, or making out. However, if you both feel inclined to proceed to these stages of arousal after completing the assigned exercises, you are welcome to do so.

Sensate Focus is a journey, and some couples find value in repeating stages before moving on to the next one. Feel free to revisit any stage as many times as you like. Each repetition may reveal something new or offer an opportunity to explore a different variation. The key is to experiment, communicate, and most importantly, have fun!

We hope that you enjoyed this intimate exploration with your partner, discovering new depths of sensuality and connection. If you need further guidance or support, please feel free to give us a call at 267-495-4951. For more information, visit our relationship therapy & counseling page.

The post Sensate Focus Exercises: A Step-by-Step Guide for Couples appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Attachment styles, formed in childhood by caregiver responses, affect our security in relationships. Dismissive attachment results from distant caregiving, causing avoidance of closeness. Anxious attachment arises from inconsistent caregiving, leading to clinginess and fear. Recognizing your attachment style and seeking therapy can help you build more secure, fulfilling relationships. Start exploring your attachment style today to improve your connections and emotional well-being.

What are the attachment styles?

In the famous Strange Situation experiment, Ainsworth put infants in a room with their parents and had them play with toys. Ainsworth then had the parents leave the room and observed the child’s reaction. Ainsworth then reintroduced the parents and again watched the child’s reaction. The child’s reaction to the parents leaving and returning indicated the child’s potential attachment style. We will go through what category each reaction falls into below:

Secure Attachment

In the Strange Situation study, children with a secure attachment had more middle ground reactions to their parents coming and going. For example, when their parents left, they seemed a little bit worried and would whimper but could soothe themselves, and when their parents returned, they noticed and were happy to see their parents. 

Case Example of Secure Attachment:

Kate has a good balance between honoring both of her needs for being alone and spending time with her partner. She has date nights with her partner once a week and sees her friends once a week. Kate encourages her partner to nurture their friendships and does not feel worried about betrayal when her partner spends time away. Instead, she feels connected. She knows her partner loves her even when she is not in their presence and wants to build upon their connection when they are together.

Kate’s parents modeled what an affectionate, close relationship looks like for her. Kate knew she could rely on her parents emotionally as they showed up for her and each other consistently. She did not question whether or not her parents would be there for her emotionally. If Kate had a hard day at school, her parents would attune to her needs and inquire about why Kate was feeling a certain way and support her in a way that she needed. Her parents helped her develop a good sense of self and high self-esteem by praising her strengths and helping her grow.

Questions to ask yourself if you suspect you have a secure attachment:

• Do I have a good balance between “me” time and time with my partner?
• Do I consistently feel like I am loved and deserve love?
• Do I trust my partner? Do I trust myself?
• Am I worthy of love? 
• Do I believe I have high value?
• Do I easily open up to my partner?
• Do I feel I can rely on my partner in times of need?
• Do I feel my partner can attune to my needs and I theirs in an effective way?

Dismissive Attachment

In the Strange Situation, children with a dismissive attachment seem not to care whether or not their parent is in the room. They appear to have minimal reaction both when their parents left and when they returned. However, research shows that when the parent goes, the child still reacts internally, as evidenced by changes in physiological symptoms, such as an increased heart rate. So interestingly, the child may have learned not to show their anxiety outwardly. 

Case example of a person with a dismissive attachment:

Sean is a CEO of a large corporation. He works late into the night every night. His wife and children have pointed out to him that they would like to be able to spend more time with him. Sean’s answer is always that his work requires him to spend most of his time managing the business so that he can support his family financially. Sean keeps his cell phone off during work hours and refuses to take personal calls from his family during the workday. Sean keeps everyone at arm’s length. When his wife attempts to have a conversation about serious, potentially vulnerable issues, he makes jokes to avoid the subject. Sean does not have close relationships and prefers not to share his time. He finds certain social experiences to be annoying or suffocating.

Sean’s family growing up was emotionally shallow. He was a child of narcissistic parents. His mother displayed narcissistic tendencies and mostly cared whether or not the family’s outfits matched in holiday photos. Sean’s father tolerated nothing less than perfection and required the family to be dressed and at the table at 8am every morning, or they did not get breakfast. Sean did not have emotional intimacy modeled nor given to him and, therefore, feared relationships. Sean instead valued his image and how things appeared on the outside.

Questions to ask yourself if you suspect you have a dismissive attachment:

• When others want to be close to me, do I view them as needy or overbearing?
• Do I tend to exert or lean into my independence when others ask me for things?
• Do I consider needing others weak?
• Does talking about my needs/feelings with others make me extremely uncomfortable? 
• Does it seem silly or pointless to talk about feelings?
• Do I seek support from my partner if I am stressed, or do I isolate myself?
• Do people give me feedback that they would like to spend more time with me or wish I would open up more?

Anxious Attachment

Children in the Strange Situation experiment who became very distressed outwardly by the absence and reintroduction of the parent were thought to have an anxious attachment. These children struggled to soothe themselves when they became upset when the parents left and came back. The parents also could not settle the child. People with anxious attachment display a push and pull ambivalence in their relationships. They often feel the need to become close very quickly but fear abandonment.  

Case Example of Anxious Attachment:

Jared always had difficulty being apart from his partner. Whenever he is not in a relationship, he describes feeling empty. He prefers to be around his partner as much as possible, and whenever his partner asks for alone time, he becomes very uneasy and fears they no longer love him. Jared needs constant reassurance that his partner likes him and that things are going well throughout the relationship. Jared tends to move quickly in relationships and will say “I love you” early in the relationship and feel rejected if the other person is not going at the same pace emotionally as he is. Jared tends to question others’ motives and second guess himself constantly.

Jared’s parents divorced when he was 12. The divorce was not amicable, and Jared was tossed back and forth between households, often feeling rejected by both parents. Jared’s mother acted more like a friend than as a mother. At times she doted on Jared. She mostly displayed this behavior when she wasn’t drinking excessively. Jared’s mother tended to drink often and stated it helped her relax. She was barely involved in Jared’s life when she would drink excessively. Jared constantly worried about his mother’s health and was distressed at her drinking. Dad would only get Jared on the weekends and would sometimes be present, but other times leave Jared with a babysitter if he had a date. These interactions often left Jared confused about his relationship and role with his parents.  

Questions to ask yourself if you suspect you have an anxious attachment:

• Do I want to get very close very quickly when I am in a relationship?
• Is it torture to be apart from my partner?
• When my partner is away, do I worry myself so much that I participate in behaviors that cause issues within my relationships?  
• Am I constantly suspicious of my partner’s behavior and feel the need to snoop through their belongings/electronic devices?
• Do I frequently fear my partner will leave me?
• Do I worry I care more about my partner than they care about me?

Disorganized Attachment

Someone with a disorganized attachment will have a push-pull approach toward relationships. They might deeply crave extreme closeness and be clingy to their partner at moments and then at other times appear aloof or detached. Their source of love was also their source of fear. Naturally, this can lead to confusion because seeking comfort frequently results in pain or fear.

Case Example for Disorganized Attachment

Tom states he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship ever. Yet, on occasion, Tom has divulged that he would love to be with a girl he finds so beautiful he doesn’t care what she looks like. Tom has a crush on his friend’s sister, Alicia. The feelings are mutual, and the two will hook up casually and sporadically. Alicia has a gut feeling that Tom is in love with her and will catch him being considerate of her needs and doing elaborate favors. However, anytime Alicia tries to see him again or get closer, Tom will ghost her. Instead of being with Alicia, Tom has a dependent relationship with her brother. He is close to her but not too close.

Tom grew up with 12 siblings. His parents both worked several jobs to try to support the family but were stressed and emotionally unstable. Tom’s family mostly lived off of government assistance. Tom went to bed hungry most nights and only wore clothes passed down from siblings. Tom was often neglected emotionally and physically and sometimes beaten by his father whenever his father had too much to drink. Tom’s older siblings seemed to bond, but Tom felt left out of that connection. While Tom could understand his parents were doing the best they could, he also felt pain and sometimes fear from them. Tom dropped out of high school when he was 16 and started looking for connections in all the wrong places, such as selling drugs. His parents did not intervene when he dropped out and instead asked if he could help support the family if he was working.

Questions to ask yourself if you suspect you have disorganized attachment: 

• Do I feel conflicted about committed relationships?
• Do I act toward my love interest in a dismissive manner rather than openly affectionate?
• Do I deeply crave a strong connection with someone but act like I don’t?
• Will, I one moment seek intense closeness toward my partner then, if triggered, suddenly switch to a more dismissive style?
• Do I have an intense fear of abandonment?
• Do I feel disassociated from my relationships at times?  

Abuse and Attachment Styles

As you may guess, abuse can significantly affect our sense of safety and security in a relationship. The fourth attachment style which commonly is present when someone has been through childhood abuse is disorganized attachment. In the Strange Situation, those infants with disorganized attachment might display ambivalence toward their caregiver, engaging in confusing behavior such as walking backwards towards their caregiver.

Can my attachment style change?

If you are worried about having a particular attachment style, you have good news. Your attachment style can change! As a result, you can move towards a more secure attachment style in your adult relationships. Changing will take work and persistence, however. The type of work needed may vary depending on your attachment style. For example, someone with a dismissive attachment style may need to work on tolerating closeness and moving toward people rather than away.

Essential skills to move toward feeling secure in your relationships according to your attachment style: 

Secure Attachment: 

• Continue to set boundaries and honor your limitations
• Continue to honor your needs and be compassionate to others’ needs
• Have open conversations with your partner and compassionate self-talk, being vulnerable and open to change

Dismissive Attachment

• Ask for help and embrace the discomfort that may come with that
• Go to an activity or call a friend and look for the positive, fun parts of this experience (vs. the annoying or scary parts)
• Open yourself up to trusting that others can meet your needs, that you don’t have to be self-reliant like you did when you were younger
  • Try small tasks that you can delegate to someone you want to trust. Process what happens after, let the positive outcome sink in for you
  • Share something vulnerable with someone and ask them for support. See how it feels to receive their support and pay attention to how they respond to you. Were they able to show up for you? 

Anxious Attachment

• Find a balance between your alone time and time with others if you have trouble being alone. 
  • Practice being alone! Schedule an hour more than usual of doing something by yourself. Turn off your phone, don’t watch television, or listen to music/podcasts. Disconnect from everything but yourself. 
• Learn to trust yourself and be able to soothe yourself in times of distress
• When you are not physically close to someone, practice sitting in the discomfort of being away from them – don’t text/call them, if your mind wonders to obsessive thoughts, practice mindfulness or soothing yourself
• When you feel emotionally disconnected from someone, own this disconnect. When the person is able to show up for you, store this in your memory for the next time you become anxious or disconnected to recall and remind yourself that they are there for you and you are connected

Disorganized Attachment

• Create a strong “chosen family” of friends. This will help you learn to feel secure with others to be there when you need them
  • Define what a strong chosen family is to you – reliable, emotionally stable, shows up for you physically and emotionally, gives you space when you need it, accepts your boundaries
• Get a pet. The unconditional love a pet can give you can be so healing
• Journal your emotions in response to others. Track your ups and downs (push/pulls) and start to learn your triggers 
  • Use this awareness to practice leaning in or setting boundaries on your own to become more self-sufficient and secure

Conclusion of Attachment Styles

Therapy can be an excellent resource if you need support navigating security in your relationships. If you can build a secure, trusting relationship with your therapist, it can help immensely with healing insecure attachments. Remember that you are not doomed to always be insecurely attached; you can move toward a more secure attachment. If you are interested in finding a therapist who can help you find security in your relationships, you can call The Better You Institute at (267) 495-4951.

Courtney Miller, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a warm, empathetic approach, specializing in children, teens, and young adults, including the LGBTQ+ community. Utilizing her artistic background, she employs creative and experiential methods in therapy. Courtney focuses on overcoming mood disorders, trauma, and relational dynamics, particularly addressing C-PTSD and narcissistic wounds. She emphasizes understanding patterns and enhancing existing strengths, offering tools like mindfulness and thought reframing. With a BA in Psychology and Fine Art from SUNY New Paltz and an MA in Mental Health Counseling from CUNY Brooklyn, she has experience in family dynamics and LGBTQ+ youth support. Based in Philadelphia, Courtney enjoys crafting, travel, biking, and spending time with loved ones.

Learn more about Courtney Miller ⇒

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What Is Sexism?

Sexism is prejudice or discrimination based on sex, often targeting women. It includes stereotypes, unequal pay, and everyday interactions like “mansplaining” or being told to “smile.” These experiences suggest women are inferior and affect their mental health. Coping with sexism involves self-care, setting boundaries, and educating others. Therapy can help address these challenges by providing support and strategies. Building a supportive community and challenging sexist norms can empower individuals and promote change.

Female Stereotypes

In society (worldwide), the “ideal” female archetype is often neat, organized, frail, friendly, motherly, accommodating, and passive. If you identify as female, does this “idealized” version describe you? It does not describe all females. If a woman cannot fulfill these roles, she can be vulnerable to being ostracized, witch-hunted, and scapegoated. These expectations are sexist and can have adverse effects on a woman’s mental health. Therefore, learning how to cope with sexism is essential. One can experience sexism anywhere: in media, at work, at home, in public spaces, etc. The effects of sexism on your mental health should not be ignored, and this article can serve as a guide to help you cope with sexism.

For women who struggle with organization, such as females with ADHD, living up to society’s expectation that women are responsible for a clean, organized household is challenging. Suppose you’re a female who doesn’t enjoy/excel at baking pies, organizing sock drawers, hosting, or managing your household calendar. In that case, you have most likely experienced some evil eyes from the women who do and from the men who want you to. Or, maybe you do enjoy these things, but you also want to make time to be a badass at work, make a name for yourself in the political scene, or speak up in groups of men. Not fitting into the norm is challenging, and it can take extra work to value yourself if the social norms of being a passive, docile woman have been ingrained in you. This is where introspection and self-care can help one cope with sexism.

How to Cope with Sexism 

Sexism can happen quickly and unexpectedly, leaving women frozen in their tracks, angry, hurt, demoralized, or shut down. For instance, women commonly encounter sexism throughout their day. They are told to “smile” as they walk to work, are catcalled, are passed over for something they are more capable of doing than the person who was chosen, they are treated differently by medical providers (even the research for female-oriented disorders is biased toward men), the expectation of taking on the role of primary childcare while your male partner climbs the corporate ladder (during the Covid-19 pandemic women lost their jobs or had to quit due to childcare issues at higher rates than men and even more so for women in minority groups), and so much more daily.

It is difficult to shrug off a stranger telling you how to contort your body (e.g., smiling) because it makes them happy with no regard for your comfort level. To have to endure an explanation from someone who is doing it worse than how you would do is excruciating and a waste of time. So how do we “get over” this? The truth is, you don’t. These experiences weigh on us, and they can impact your mental and physical health.

To best be able to handle the weight of these sexisms, you must be at your best. Take care of your physical health. Feed yourself nutritious meals, exercise your body, stretch, and drink water. Surround yourself with people that help build you up and can share in companionship with the experiences you’ve had. Sit with yourself. Be calm. Learn to love yourself regardless of the expectations or teardowns you experience.

Reflection Exercise:

Take some time to reflect on these questions:

1. Do you have strengths that aren’t stereotypically feminine?
2. Can you think of examples of sexism not mentioned?
3. What expectations of being female have you felt challenged on?
4. How can you take care of your mental health when encountering sexism?

How Therapy Can Help with Sexism

There is a spectrum of gender expression. Not everyone fits into a box. It is important to consider gender oppression in the formation of one’s identity. Gender oppression results from gender norms that perpetuate the idea that gender is binary and that women are subordinate to men. It can be beneficial to explore overt and subtle forms of sexism you’ve encountered and how they’ve impacted you in the moment and over the years to combat the effects of sexism. In therapy, many people come in expressing social role conflicts. In a clinical setting, one might benefit from psychoeducation about sexism and how it affects mood. According to research by Sue and Sue (2015), a therapist needs to assess their own bias surrounding women and try not to assume that it would be healthier for a woman to be more submissive or relationship-oriented.

Through open dialogue and shared vulnerabilities, you can learn how to feel confident in how you choose to express your gender. You will feel permission to break out of the societal pressures you may have experienced. You may even find yourself starting to push back and set a new standard for yourself and society within your social circles. Your therapist will help you feel empowered, offer support where needed, and encouragement to take risks and step outside of the social norms. Your therapist can create space for you to think aloud about obtaining the change you seek.  

How Society Disempowers Women

According to Sue and Sue (2015), women are often objectified and sexualized in society, and it can be hard to find a man that has not engaged in some form of buying of sex. Additionally, women are not typically shown exploring their sexuality and being comfortable in their bodily functions in the media. However, they are portrayed as sexual beings (e.g., outfits showcasing their breasts, being naked on film) more than men (e.g., showing their penis or even being shirtless). Women are often not portrayed as multi-dimensional beings. Usually, the message women receive is that they must be selfless sexual objects that serve men to be multi-dimensional beings. This message in the media can make a woman feel disempowered. 

Here are some suggestions of how to cope with sexism when you feel disempowered:

• Watch some movies that are empowering to women. Here is a list of tips:

1. Frida
2. Kill Bill
3. Wetlands
4. Thelma and Louise
5. The Joy Luck Club
6. The Witch
7. Kate

•  Listen to music that is empowering to women. Here are suggestions:

1. Lizzo
2. Riot grrrl
3. Bikini Kill
4. Sleater-Kinney
5. Beyonce/ Destiny’s Child
6. Tennis
7. Beautiful Chorus
8. Pink
9. Shania Twain
10. Gloria Gaynor
11. Kelly Clarkson
12. Gwen Stafani
13. Sara Berailles
14. Janet Jackson

•  Read empowering books for women:

1. Wild by Cheryl Strayed
2. The Wild Woman’s Way by Michaela Boehm
3. The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
4. 20 something, 20 everything by Christine Hessler
5. Go on Sister Sing Your Song by Harryette Mullen
6. The Type by Sarah K
7. The Princess Saves Herself in This One by Amanda Lovelace

Educating the People in your Life About Sexism

Sexism is everywhere, and it can even occur within your immediate circle of friends and family. Often, it might feel too difficult to speak up to friends and family, and you might fear criticisms, defensiveness, or an argument. One way our loved ones can help fight sexism is by not perpetuating gender stereotypes. Although there are many ways to teach those around you, there are three specific ways we suggest. The first suggestion is to set boundaries/ expectations (statements like “that is not appropriate to say to me” or “I’m just as capable of lifting the box, you can ask me next time”).

Secondly, we suggest disclosing your own experience in response to what was just said or what happened (statements like “I feel invisible when I hear you saying you should hire someone to look at your car when you know I love working on cars” or “I feel voiceless when I’m speaking because you cut me off to tell me exactly what I was just about to say”).

Thirdly, educate your loved ones on why something isn’t appropriate and replacing it with something that is (statements like “the process of what just happened between us undermines my authority and perpetuates the idea that women are subordinate to men. When you cut me off in front of others, it implies that what you have to say is more important than what I have to say, and we are both equals here. Next time, it would be best if you can let me finish what I say and then fill in with what you want to say without undermining my authority”).

Stereotype Threat

One of the ways women are subliminally messaged to stay oppressed is through stereotype threat. Stereotype threat is when reminders of stereotypes about their demographic influence a person’s performance. For example, in the movie Wetlands mentioned above, the protagonist, Helen, asks her father if she can be an engineer like him. Her father at first says “sure” but then retracts this by saying, “but you’re not good at math.” The film seems to call for fathers to be more sensitive to their part in the oppression of their daughters. In this example, the stereotype is that women are not good at math. As Steele in their 1997 research mentions, “to experience stereotype threat one may not believe the stereotype nor even be worried that it is true of oneself.”

Men are increasingly expected to have a more prominent social role in familial and work relationships. Research has found that this requires emotional skills that are typically beyond what men acquire in modern upbringing. Therefore, the men in your life may need some education. When you challenge stereotypes, you most likely will encounter resistance (as it may be a challenge to their worldview, which is hard at first to reconcile). The best way to get through to someone is through remaining calm and attempting not to take the resistance personally. Try to remind yourself that people resist change because it is unfamiliar and therefore uncomfortable.

Navigating Sexist Dynamics with Loved Ones

Finding a balance between empowering the men in your life to meet you where you are outside of gender norms and not feeling like you’re their mother can be tricky. Too often, heterosexual couples get caught in a dance where the woman doesn’t feel like she’s getting her needs met emotionally and is carrying the majority of the mental load. The mental load is the mental management of the relationship or household. Examples of this might look like meal planning and assessing what is already in the fridge to know what needs to be bought at the grocery store, seeing glass in the bathroom that needs to be brought downstairs, knowing that Spot the dog needs his rabies shots and making the appointment. This can feel overwhelming and exhausting to the woman.

In the same instance, the man feels nagged and never good enough, often being brought back to his childhood when his mother would ask him to do things around the home. It can be difficult to break this dance, but leaning in with curiosity and empathy for the other’s lived experience (e.g., the woman living with societal norms that may not fit who she is and the man never being held to certain emotional expectations and carrying some of the societal biases that the woman wants to break free of) can lead to rewarding outcomes.

Suggestions on how to talk to your loved ones about sexism:

• Use I feel statements… “When I interact with your mother I feel anxious. I perceive her responses as shorter than usual when we discuss making pies and I don’t know how to make a pie”
• Assign them some enlightening podcasts, movies, books, etc., and then discuss them afterward. 
  • What did you take from them, what did your loved one take from them?
  • What information do you each want to start applying to your own interactions with one another?
  • How did you feel listening/watching/reading the material? 
  • What are you struggling with from the material? 
  • What could you relate to from the material? 
  • Was there anything you knew and have been trying to apply already?
• Give examples of sexism you have experienced to give your loved one insights
• Try not to illicit defensiveness with blaming, name-calling, or an irritable tone because this will not help someone be open to hearing your point. Instead, use the “I” Statements, ask the person to lean in with compassion and curiosity, ask for a redo if something you say may have been interpreted in a way that leaves the other person feeling defensive, keep the conversation based on feelings not “facts” or who is right/wrong, set the tone for the conversation by asking the person to see you as a teammate, let them know them to know that you see good in them and will give them the benefit of the doubt. 

How to Make Change

Women from all over the world experience sexism. Strength is in numbers. A great way to make a change and also to receive emotional support is to reach out to your community.

Here are some suggestions for “being the change you want to see in the world” – Gandi.

• Protest/Go to Rallies/Marches (ex. Slut walk) 
• Join groups of like-minded people who are activists. Take action.
• Meet up with females that build up your confidence
• Find female role models to emulate
• Reach out and connect with female role models
• Be a female role model
• Learn to assert your worth and needs without guilt or apologies
• Write/ Share your opinion
• Dedicate time to your own personal growth

Conclusion

Challenging sexism can be exhausting but worthwhile. You might feel discouraged at times. Therapy can provide the support you may need navigating sexism you encounter. If you are interested in the support of a therapist to work through the mental health effects of sexism, we are here to help. Please contact us or give us a call at 267-495-4951.

Our Philadelphia therapists are here to help!

“Boss up and change your life. You can have it all no sacrifice”

• Lizzo

Courtney Miller, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a warm, empathetic approach, specializing in children, teens, and young adults, including the LGBTQ+ community. Utilizing her artistic background, she employs creative and experiential methods in therapy. Courtney focuses on overcoming mood disorders, trauma, and relational dynamics, particularly addressing C-PTSD and narcissistic wounds. She emphasizes understanding patterns and enhancing existing strengths, offering tools like mindfulness and thought reframing. With a BA in Psychology and Fine Art from SUNY New Paltz and an MA in Mental Health Counseling from CUNY Brooklyn, she has experience in family dynamics and LGBTQ+ youth support. Based in Philadelphia, Courtney enjoys crafting, travel, biking, and spending time with loved ones.

Learn more about Courtney Miller ⇒

The post What is Sexism and How to Deal with Sexism at Work appeared first on The Better You Institute.

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Learn to identify how narcissists manipulate their partners with excessive affection, only to withdraw and abuse them later. Recognizing signs like inconsistent behavior, boundary violations, and a need for constant admiration can help you avoid or escape such abusive relationships. Maintaining personal boundaries and seeking therapy are important for emotional well-being and healthy relationships. If you suspect you’re caught in this cycle, take action now to protect yourself and seek support.

What is narcissist love bombing?

Love bombing is when you are showered with non-stop gifts, compliments, and attention. This begins a cycle of psychological abuse where the love bomber withholds love and attention to manipulate you. Being showered with love can feel so good! It can be an instant confidence boost to feel so wanted and appreciated by someone. Yet, something doesn’t feel sincere. You can’t put your finger on it, but it’s there. You may have become your partner’s narcissistic supply’ (i.e., a fix to boost their ego). 

An Example of The Narcissistic Abuse Love Bombing Cycle

Stage One: Love Bombing

To give you an example of love bombing, I will tell you the story of Andrea. Andrea had been dating her boyfriend, Mike, for about a year. She recently ended the relationship due to him cheating on her. After the breakup, Mike started showering her with the most beautiful love letters she’s ever been given, along with thoughtful expensive gifts. Andrea was at once swept away, yet suspicious. Mike had never acted like this in their relationship, not even in the beginning. His character was inconsistent; He was hot and cold.

Andrea’s attempts to understand Mike’s new behaviors left her confused. His grandiose gestures felt manic to Andrea. Mike was attempting to recapture their love at an unnatural pace. Andrea felt overwhelmed by this attention to the point where she found herself disoriented.

Mike’s new behaviors, though confusing, left Andrea feeling hopeful, but she needed space to process her feelings accurately. However, Mike would not give Andrea the space she needed. He feared that Andrea’s space would create distance between them, and she would leave him again, which would be detrimental to his self-esteem. Andrea’s rejection was a blow to his fragile ego. He needed Andrea back to feel good about himself (i.e., Mike needed a narcissistic supply).

Logically, Andrea knew this push/pull cycle would continue. Yet, torn because, on an emotional level, she wanted the love that Mike promised her. There was a part of her that felt loved by the actions he was taking. However, she saw ahead to the endless cycle of Mike resorting back to lousy behavior once he got bored and then begging for her back once she leaves.

Stage Two: Devalue

Andrea attempted to set a boundary. She reached out to Mike, stating that she cares for Mike but that it wouldn’t be possible for her to trust him again. She would not like to get back together, and she would also appreciate it if he stopped contacting her. Mike continued to pursue her despite her explicit request that he stop contacting her. He became enraged. How could she reject him after he had spent so much time and money on her to get her back? He persisted and stated to Andrea that she didn’t “know who she was messing with” and would “never get another guy like him.” Andrea blocked him on all forms of communication platforms. Then the gifts in the mail started. Mike started sending gifts that were over the top and, at times, bizarre.

Andrea would only unblock Mike briefly to ask him again to please leave her alone for good. She even threatened to go to the police. The gifts kept coming in the mail and were getting weirder. Mike felt entitled to Andrea’s attention, and her refusal to respond enraged him. The devaluing process of the narcissistic abuse love bombing cycle had begun with Mike not respecting Andrea’s boundaries, threatening her, and putting her down. The narcissistic devaluation phase is clear when he objectified her to feed his ego. 

Stage 3: Discard

If Andrea had fallen for his narcissistic love bomb, Mike would have started his narcissistic relationship patterns all over again. The narcissistic emotional abuse cycle would go like this: Love bomb → devalue –> discard → hoover. Following Mike’s love bomb, he would have begun to devalue her through criticisms, gaslighting, and passive-aggressive jokes. After pent-up tension, some form of an explosion would occur, potentially leading to the relationship being discarded and/or Mike cheating on Andrea again. 

Stage 4: Hoovering

After discarding the relationship, the person driving the narcissistic abuse cycle will likely hoover. Hoovering involves various manipulative tactics to stay close to the survivor; Examples include: insincere apologies, reaching out randomly, reaching out on important dates, desperately needing help, making grandiose promises, etc. If you recognize that you are in the hoovering part of the abuse cycle, the best thing you can do to protect yourself is to end contact, and hopefully, the narcissist will find a new supply source to feed their ego.

Check List of Warning Signs for The Narcissistic Abuse Love Bombing Cycle 

Things to look for in your partner:

• Is there something about the person’s character that seems inconsistent? Are they hot and cold – One day, they are clingy and smothering, and the next day they ignore your calls/texts?
• Does the pacing of the relationship make sense?

• When they give you compliments, do they feel like they’re somewhat about themselves? For example: That shirt I bought you looks good on you; I have excellent taste, huh!? 
• Does this person seem possessive and checks in all the time but frames it that they are doing it for your safety? 
• They violate your boundaries: you set a limit such as: “I’m not ready for you to meet my children yet, please do not come over to my house this weekend,” and then your narcissistic partner stops by to “surprise” you in the middle of the day with candy for your children. Or, you ask them not to contact you and state that you will reach out at night after your children have gone to bed, but they call you several times throughout the day to ask what you’re doing. 
• Are they short-tempered or frequently become excessively angry? 
• Do they cut you off while you’re talking despite them asking you a question? 
• Are they demeaning/critical toward you? 
• Do they have a high sense of grandeur seeming full of themselves without much to back it up? 
• Do they constantly need reassurance and praise?
• Are they entitled? 
• Do they use their loved ones (family, friends)? 

Things to pay attention to within yourself: 

• Do you feel overwhelmed /disoriented by the attention?
• Are you not given the space to process your feelings properly?
• Is your intuition/gut giving you pause about pursuing the relationship with this person?
• Do you feel criticized or small within the relationship? 
• Do you feel a sense of autonomy or agency within this relationship?
• When you have hope for positive things in the relationship, do they come to fruition, or are you often left lead on and disappointed? 
• Are you starting not to trust yourself?
• Do your boundaries feel violated regularly?

Healthy versus Unhealthy Relationships

Not all partners sending you love letters and flowers are narcissistically love bombing. To be love bombed is to be included in the narcissistic abuse cycle often associated with the abuser having a narcissistic personality disorder. Think back to the red flags discussed above. In a healthy relationship, both partners will consent to the pace. Love will build over time as you learn about and accept each other’s strengths and flaws. 

In a healthy relationship, there is:

• Equal respect, trust, and honesty
• You can enjoy spending time away from each other
• Your choices are mutual
• Each person feels like an equal partner in finances

In contrast, in an unhealthy relationship, there is typically an imbalance of power. One of the partners may feel entitled to overstep the other person’s boundaries in the abuse cycle. 

Things to watch out for in an abusive love bombing relationship:

• Controlling behaviors
• Isolating you from friends or family
• Feeling entitled to all of your passwords and content of conversations
• Accusing you of cheating and then making you prove your trustworthiness
• gas-lighting (manipulating someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity)

In Closing, Protect Yourself from Love Bombing

You never need to give up your sense of physical/emotional safety and security for another’s comfort. Are you ignoring your boundaries and needs in favor of someone else’s? No rationale makes that okay. Even if you think you are helping the person, you may be giving them the message that their actions are ok. A relationship should be mutually satisfying. Be sure to check in with your feelings regularly. If you find yourself worrying about your partner’s happiness more than your own, then do some reflecting, it could be an abusive relationship. Once you’ve reflected, try to restore a sense of balance by setting boundaries. Gauge your partner’s reactions to your limitations or expectations. If your partner tries to intimidate you into a power imbalance, then it may be time for you to move on.

If you are struggling to find balance in your relationship or, after having read this article, are fearing you are caught in an abuse cycle and need help getting out, you might benefit from talking with an individual therapist or a relationship therapist in Philadelphia, PA. If you do not live in the Philadelphia area, we also offer online relationship therapy & counseling sessions. Please feel free to reach out to us for a consultation with the contact form below.

Read our article about the children of narcissists to find out how your children may be affected!

Contact us for a therapist in Philadelphia.

Courtney Miller, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a warm, empathetic approach, specializing in children, teens, and young adults, including the LGBTQ+ community. Utilizing her artistic background, she employs creative and experiential methods in therapy. Courtney focuses on overcoming mood disorders, trauma, and relational dynamics, particularly addressing C-PTSD and narcissistic wounds. She emphasizes understanding patterns and enhancing existing strengths, offering tools like mindfulness and thought reframing. With a BA in Psychology and Fine Art from SUNY New Paltz and an MA in Mental Health Counseling from CUNY Brooklyn, she has experience in family dynamics and LGBTQ+ youth support. Based in Philadelphia, Courtney enjoys crafting, travel, biking, and spending time with loved ones.

Learn more about Courtney Miller ⇒

The post Narcissist Love Bombing Cycle and Narcissistic Abuse appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Whether you are considering masculinizing or feminizing treatments, this guide provides the most important information to ensure you make informed decisions. With options like injections, patches, gels, and implants, you can find the method that best suits your lifestyle. Remember, you are not alone in this journey.

Embrace your unique identity, seek the support you need, and take the steps towards becoming the best version of yourself. If you have any questions or need assistance, reach out to our team of compassionate professionals ready to support you every step of the way.

Gender Affirming Hormone Therapy and Treatments

This article discusses the process of gender-affirming hormonal treatment. You will find the information necessary to start the series of steps to receiving hormonal treatment. Throughout the hormone therapy process, informed consent is extremely important, meaning you should know the risks and benefits to treatment. Within gender-affirming hormonal treatment, masculinizing and feminizing hormone therapy will look different. We will review both in order to have realistic expectations. Your health is important! Careful monitoring of your hormone therapy is necessary to achieve your goals safely. The process of gender-affirming hormonal treatment will hopefully allow you to realize the version of yourself that makes you feel your best.

Stay Strong

Congratulations on taking a step in affirming who you are by researching how you can become the person who you want to be. Most likely, your journey has not been easy. First, it may have taken you some time to understand and make sense of your experience of gender dysphoria (Discomfort experienced when gender identity does not match biological sex). You might have felt alone in this experience. Society doesn’t make this experience any easier by meeting transgender people with discrimination and at times, violence. It is not just society either, you may have the added stress of not being accepted by your family. It takes an immensely strong person to believe in their experience and to affirm their gender in the face of such an invalidating world. Try to remind yourself that your community is out there. There are people who accept you just as you are. There are wonderful doctors and mental health professionals out there who want to help you through the process of gender affirming treatment.

Gender Affirming Hormonal Treatment Criteria

Wherever you are in your process of discovering your gender identity and/or transition, it is important to know there are criteria that need to be met in order to receive hormonal treatment. Below, the criteria requirement to start the process of gender affirming hormonal treatment are listed.          

1. At least six months of gender dysphoria that can be documented by provider such as MD or TX
2. You must not be compromised in your ability to make a fully informed decision and to consent to treatment (i.e. be capable of reality based reasoning, know who you are, where you are, and what the time, day, and date it is, be alert (not unconscious). 
3. You must be of legal age for your country and state. 
4. If you have any medical or mental health conditions they must be well-managed meaning you keep up with and comply with effective treatment for your condition.

What to expect in your doctor visits for gender affirming hormonal treatment: 

In your initial visit to the MD expect to have a full history taken. This history will include your experience of gender dysphoria, sexual history, and medical history. This may be difficult to share, so it is a good idea to prepare what you want to say and ask, and process any emotions that may come up possibly with your therapist. There will be lab work that needs to be completed before starting hormone therapy. This will look slightly different for those looking to masculinize versus feminize. Both individuals looking to masculinize or feminize will need a basic lipid profile, fasting glucose levels, and liver enzymes. Additionally, for masculinizing treatment, you will need lab tests for complete blood count (CBC) and screened for polycystic ovaries (PCOS).

Hormone Therapy Regiment

Once you are ready to start hormone therapy, your regiment will be different depending on if you are a  transmasculine or transfeminine individual. Treatment for transmasculine individuals will include testosterone while transfeminine treatment will include Estrogen and potentially spironolactone (anti-androgen (male hormones)). 

Masculinizing Hormone Therapy

Injection

There are different methods for administering hormones. The most popular way to administer testosterone for transmasculine people is through injection. Testosterone can come in Enthanate or Cypianate. The difference between these two testosterones is what the testosterone is suspended in- Enthanate is suspended in sesame oil and Cypianate in cottonseed oil. The hormone can be injected intramuscularly (meaning in the muscles). People tend to inject in the thighs because they are easy to access with both hands. Subcutaneous injection (injected into the layer of fat below the skin) is also an option, though not FDA approved.

When you administer testosterone injections, you have the choice to dose weekly or biweekly. Dosing biweekly means fewer injections per month but you may need higher doses. With the higher dose, there may be some withdrawal symptoms. Weekly dosing creates a more consistent level of testosterone and thus might feel better for some people. According to Doctor Julie Thompson, PA-C Medical Director of Trans Health, Fenway Health, if getting weekly dosing, it is suggested to do so subcutaneously to reduce irritation. 

Mental Health and Dosage

Mental health diagnosis should also be considered. If you are someone who struggles with emotional ups and downs due to underlying mental health issues, biweekly might be too much of a roller coaster for you. A standard dose for weekly dosing would be between 50 mg and 100 mg, starting at 50 mg and increasing in a month. The biweekly dose would be about double that so starting at 100 mg and in a month increasing and eventually getting between 150 mg and 200 mg.

Other Administration Methods for Masculizing Hormonal Treatment

Patch

Other than injections, there are other methods of testosterone hormone therapy that might be a better fit for you. For example, you might prefer a testosterone patch such as Androderm. The patch may be preferable if you are someone who has trouble tolerating emotional ups and downs. The patch contains anywhere from 2- 8 mg a day. However, there are some pitfalls to this treatment, too. Reports of skin irritation are common and the patch tends to be more expensive than other options.

Gel

Another non-injectable option could be a topical gel that comes in packets or pumps. Keep in mind that this gel can transfer to partners during physical intimacy. Therefore, it is important to be mindful of washing your hands and allowing time for it to dry into your skin, which can take 3-4 hours. Additionally, there is a kind of “deodorant” that can be rubbed into your armpits. However, this option also tends to be expensive as well.

Implant

Finally, there is an implant that can be implanted beneath the skin of the buttocks and lasts about 3-4 months. This also tends to be expensive (about $1000 per implant) but is sometimes covered by insurance. 

Feminizing Hormone Therapy

Estrogen and Anti-Androgens

For feminizing hormonal treatment, Estrogen can be administered in similar ways as testosterone: oral, injection, and transdermal. In some cases, estrogen is not enough and an anti-androgen can be added to treatment. Spironolactone is one of the anti-androgens that can be used and is usually given at 50 mg up to 400 mg. However, another anti-androgen, Casodex, has become more popular in treatment over spironolactone. Lupron is another safer option, however, it can be expensive.

Estrogen and Progestins

Estradiol is an oral estrogen that is often administered at a starting dose of  2-8 mg. Moreover, injectable options include estradiol valerate (5-20 mg) and estradiol cypionate (2-10 mg). This can be administered weekly or biweekly for the same reasons discussed earlier. A transdermal option includes an estradiol patch. These tend to be the safest. Progestins can benefit breast development. There are potential risks and benefits which can include weight gain and depression or improved mood and libido. Progestins include: Prometrium (100 mg- 200mg), Provera (2.5 to 10 mg) and depo-provera (150 mg).

Which Method Should You Use?

As you think about these different methods of hormone treatments, ask yourself these questions to see what one could be right for you: 

1. Is cost an issue for me?
2. Will my insurance company cover one or all of these?
3. What type of lifestyle do I lead, how will my testosterone treatment impose upon that? 
4. Which of these methods is least imposing upon my normal daily life? 
5. Do I deem myself as fairly emotionally stable or do I have abnormal ups and downs? (If you don’t know the answer to this question you should journal and track your emotions for at least a month before deciding which method could be a best fit for you.)
6. If you have a partner, will any of these impose upon my partner’s health? 
7. What method feels most comfortable to me (e.g. if you are afraid of needles, you may not want to use the shots form). 

Checklist for your process of gender-affirming hormonal treatment:

1.Explore and document gender dysphoria with a trained professional such as a psychotherapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist for at least 6-months. Be sure they will provide you with the appropriate documentation necessary for your transition. Also, confirm that they are certified to doing so

2. Determine if this process is necessary for you to live your best life.

     2a. What is your best life? 

     2b. If you stayed in the body that you are currently in, how will that impact your     perceived best life? 

     2c. What do you need from the start to finish of this journey in terms of your mental and physical health? 

     2d. Is now the best time for this transition? Or, is there a better time (e.g. when you graduate? When you have a job that offers insurance that covers some of the expenses. When you move to a different state with different laws.)

3.Figure out what the legal age of consent is in your state/country.

4.Find a doctor who you feel comfortable with and will thoroughly explain the process. During your visit, check in with your feelings. If a doctor makes you feel judged or leaves you with unanswered questions you might want to find a different doctor.

5. Get lab work (basic lipid profile, fasting glucose levels, and liver enzymes) and be upfront with medical and mental health treatment in order for the doctor to give you the best treatment.

6.Decide on your best course of treatment (injection, patch, implant, gel) by weighing the pros and cons of each.

You are Unique

Bear in mind that you are a unique individual. Perhaps you identify as non-binary or somewhere along the gender spectrum. You can tailor your treatment to best suit you! For example, this may look like lower doses of hormones, surgery without hormones, or short term hormone use. Remember to closely monitor your mood and symptoms. Take into consideration the social impact this may have on your life. As discussed earlier, there are societal and familial influences you may encounter. Finding your community and making your mental health a priority is essential. Remember, whatever vision you have of yourself is acceptable and lovable.

If you’ve read this article and put into practice the tips listed above you may benefit from having an individual therapist or sex therapist hold you accountable while also helping you to process barriers to your success. Contact The Better You Institute today at 267-495-4951 to see how we might be able to help.

Courtney Miller, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a warm, empathetic approach, specializing in children, teens, and young adults, including the LGBTQ+ community. Utilizing her artistic background, she employs creative and experiential methods in therapy. Courtney focuses on overcoming mood disorders, trauma, and relational dynamics, particularly addressing C-PTSD and narcissistic wounds. She emphasizes understanding patterns and enhancing existing strengths, offering tools like mindfulness and thought reframing. With a BA in Psychology and Fine Art from SUNY New Paltz and an MA in Mental Health Counseling from CUNY Brooklyn, she has experience in family dynamics and LGBTQ+ youth support. Based in Philadelphia, Courtney enjoys crafting, travel, biking, and spending time with loved ones.

Learn more about Courtney Miller ⇒

The post Gender Affirming Hormone Therapy and Treatment Process appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Congratulations on your engagement! Also, what a great gift you are giving yourself by seeking out premarital help and asking yourself premarital counseling questions.

So often, our society takes a reactive stance on how to solve problems. By discussing topics in the premarital phase of your relationship, you are taking a proactive stance. In doing so, you will have the tools to help you work through any significant issue that may come up in your relationship. Further, you will deepen your connection with one another by having a deeper understanding of one another, compassion for each other, and being vulnerable in front of one another.

It would be best if you discussed several topics during the premarital phase before you take the plunge into marriage. Once you have covered these topics through [uninterrupted] discussions, you should have a solid base for connection, what to expect, and how to work through issues as they come up. This list is not exhaustive. Feel free to add topics that you think are pertinent to your life together (leave them in the comments section, too!). Understand that you are not locked into anything after these conversations. They are to guide you as you move forward with one another. These conversations can (and should) be revisited throughout your relationship. What you decide today may not serve you in five years. Keep an ongoing, open dialogue about these topics as you move forward in your relationship.

While having these premarital conversations, try to keep an open mind. Try not to get defensive or shut down. If you do, that’s okay. Acknowledge your feelings with your partner, take time to discuss where they are coming from, validate one another, and move on in the conversation. These topics are for you to learn and grow, not for you to become gridlocked. At times throughout these conversations, you may have to compromise. You can begin to figure out what that looks like for the two of you.

Some of these topics are quite heavy in nature. Do not try to get through the whole list in one evening. Instead, set aside a chunk of time (1-2 hours) where you are uninterrupted (turn your phones on silent, go for a walk where you won’t have household chores distracting you, get a babysitter, etc.). Pick one topic to tackle at a time. Continue to put time aside and tackle each topic separately.

Premarital Counseling Questions and Topics:

Premarital Questions about Finances

• What is each of your financial goals?
  • How does each of you save?
  • How does each of you spend?
• How do you discuss what you’re doing with your money?
• What is the threshold that needs to be discussed with your partner before you can spend (e.g., anything over $xx needs to be discussed and agreed upon)
• How much money is enough? Aka, we will push ourselves hard at our job until we make xx money/year, or is it more about job title for you, or is it more about how much you have in savings?
• Will you be combining your money?
• How will this look –
  • Each of you will give up your personal bank account?
  • Each of you will still have your own bank account?
  • Why do you want it this way?
• Will we be getting a pre or postnup?
  • What are your reasons for wanting one?
  • What are your reasons for not wanting one?
  • What do you think would be on it?

Premarital Questions about Children

• Do you want children?
• When do you want to start trying for children?
• How many children do you want?
• What happens if we reach our limit of how many children we want, but we do not have both sexes? For example, we wanted two children, but my husband really wants a girl, and we have two boys. Do we try for a girl and have three children, or do we stop?
• Who is responsible for the majority of parenting (don’t settle on sharing 50/50)? It’s seldom 50/50, even for same-sex couples).
• How will we handle discipline?
• How will we handle rewards?
• When our child asks just one of us for something, how will we handle it?
  • Is there a level of asking that is okay to answer on my own vs. deciding with you if it’s alright or not? (i.e., if the child can go outside vs. if the child can sleepover at a friend’s house).
• What is important to us as parents in how we raise our children?
• If we find out our child won’t be healthy/fully Abled during the pregnancy, how will we handle this?
• What tests will we opt-in/out of during the pregnancy?
  • Finding out the sex of the baby
  • Tests that indicate the health/Ability of the baby
• How we handle it if our child isn’t completely Abled?
• What if our child has a different sexual orientation than ours?
• What if our child identifies as a different gender than their sex?
• What precautions will we take not to become pregnant when we aren’t ready?
• What happens if we get pregnant and we aren’t ready?
• How will you know you’re ready? Emotionally, Financially, Physically, etc.
• Would you ever consider getting an abortion?

Premarital Questionnaire about Values and Beliefs

• Please read this article and go through the list of core values they provide.
• Think about the story you want to write for yourself. How does your partner fit into that story? How do you fit into your partner’s story?
• How do you work through areas where your values/beliefs may not fully align?
• What happens when your emotions (fears, anxieties, comfort, sadness/depression, etc.) get in the way of your values?
• What role do we want technology to play in our relationship?
  • How often do we want to be “unplugged.”
  • When is it appropriate to be on our phones or using our computers?
• Do we volunteer? How much, how often, to what organizations?
• What value does sex have in our relationship?
• What value does independence/alone time have in our relationship?
• What value does self-care hold for us?

What Does Faith/Spirituality/Religion Mean to You?

• How do you express these things?
• What traditions do you carry out based on these?
• What are your expectations for me concerning these?
• What are your limitations with these?

Family Values and Traditions/Extended Family

• What are the traditions you grew up with that you’d like to continue doing in your newly established family?
• What are the traditions that you don’t like that you’d like to discontinue?
• Are there any new traditions that you want to start as we move forward in our relationship?
• Are there any values/beliefs that your family holds that you do not?
  • How does that affect your relationship with them?
  • What would you like your partner’s role to be when it comes to this discord?
  • What do you want your role to be concerning your partner’s discord with their family’s values/beliefs?
• How will we spend holidays/birthdays/special occasions?
• How does your family handle conflict? Do you mirror these behaviors?
• How does your family show love? Do you mirror these behaviors?
• Do you think your family is more matriarchal or patriarchal?
  • Do you want this set up for our family?

Premarital Counseling Questions about Personal Time

• What are your hobbies?
  • Is there a limit to the cost of hobbies?
• How much alone time do you need? What does that look like for you?
• How much together time do you need? What is your ideal for this?
• How do you give love?
• How do you receive love?
• How do you handle change? What supports do you need during a time of change?
• What are your lifelong goals? What supports do you need from me to get there?
• Do you enjoy independence and autonomy more/less than togetherness?

Career Goals Questions for Premarital Couples

• How do you measure success in your career – money, job title, work/life balance, flexibility, etc.?
• What do your career goals mean for the couple when one or both partners is pushing forward in their career?
  • What needs to be in place?
  • What will be sacrificed?
• What do your career goals mean for the couple when one or both partners is staying stagnant?
  • What supports are needed?
• Who will be the breadwinner, who will be a childcare person? (Usually, one person can’t do both.)

Premarital Counseling Questions: How Do You Want to Live?

• Rural/urban
• Vacations – how many, where, what activities, how much in savings do we need?
• Will we own animals? Which ones?
• Who has what responsibilities? Chores, finances, breadwinning, childcare, elderly care (for your parents or older loved ones)
• What level of cleanliness do you need to feel comfortable in your own home/car?
• Needing the newest, top-of-the-line of everything, or needing the things that help us get by?
• What style do you enjoy – modern, classic, farmhouse chic, industrial, etc.
• What is your preferred noise level (e.g., having music in the background or the TV on, or do you enjoy a silent home)

What Are Things You Are Not Willing to Compromise on?

What are things that Annoy You About Me? What do You Love About Me?

• How can I change this?
• What if it’s something I can’t change?
• Are there things that you need me to change?
• What do you love about me that you never want me to change?

When do you feel most connected to me?

• What is present?
• What is absent?

Couple Communication Techniques and Styles

• Who is the chaser, who is the distancer? Usually, one partner will push for conversation while the other leans away from it.
• Do you need downtime to process, or do you need to problem-solve right away?
• Label – contempt; criticism; defensiveness; or stonewalling then reframe and eliminate these unhealthy communication patterns
• Do you tend to be assertive, aggressive passive, passive-aggressive? Work towards assertiveness.
• How quick are we to apologize?
• How quick are we to forgive?
• Do we tend to avoid hard conversations?
  • Is there something now that we should discuss that we have been putting off?
• Do we talk about sex? If not, why not?
• Do we have a set time to discuss our relationship, or do we have it throughout the week as things come up organically?
• What role, if any, does raising our voices have in our conversations?
• What nonverbal cues should I be tuned into as you speak?
• What do you need when you become emotional? Space, physical touch, validation, reassurance?
  • How will you tell me what you need?
• What emotions do you struggle to express to me?
• What emotions are easy to express to me?
• How can I let you know that I hear and see you?

Expectations of Marriage

• What do you expect to change?
• What do you expect to be different?
• What do you expect to stay the same?
• Where do you see us in 1-year, 5-years, 10-years, 20-years, 40-years, etc.?
• Are there things you’ve heard from others that you need to give up and don’t want?
• Are there things you’ve heard from others you need to take on as a committed partner you’re excited about?
• What do you expect my role as your wife/husband to be?
• What do you expect your role as wife/husband to be?

Past Disappointments of Relationship

• Have we resolved these issues?
• If we haven’t resolved them, what is our plan for getting through them?

The Meaning of Marriage and Commitment

• What does marriage mean to you?
• What does committed mean to you?
• Have you ever cheated?
• What will happen if one of us cheats?
• Are you open to getting outside help if we run into commitment issues/if divorce is on the table?

How do we Handle Change?

• Who tends to be the better adjuster?
• Are there certain topics/experiences we adjust better to?
• What is our process for becoming comfortable in the new?

Once you have completed discussing each premarital topic on the list, continue to put uninterrupted time aside to check in with one another. Successful couples have an open dialogue where they can be honest with one another if things aren’t going well and certainly try to be transparent as possible when things are going well. You’ve started a pattern of giving yourselves 1-2 hours of uninterrupted time already; continue this tradition as you enter into marriage.

If you think you could benefit from having a third party to guide you through these conversations, we offer Premarital Therapy & Counseling. Give us a call at 267-495-4951 to set up your first appointment. We now offer online couples and marriage counseling if you live farther away or one-on-one counseling is not for you.

The post Premarital Counseling Questions for a Successful Marriage appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Being a newly engaged couple is exciting but can also be overwhelming. As you start planning your wedding, it’s important to stay united as a couple. Make decisions together, set boundaries with family, and prioritize your relationship. Communication is key. Discuss your vision for the wedding and your financial situation openly. Remember to balance wedding planning with spending quality time together. Take breaks from planning to reconnect and enjoy each other’s company. If you need support, our blogs can give you some ideas to handle this and other situations, and consider talking to a couples therapist, to enjoy this special part of your life. 

The Rules of Engagement

The cardinal rule you should have together as a newly engaged couple is that you need to be a solid duo throughout the entire process. What do we mean by that? The newly engaged couple needs to have each other’s back, they need to decide on things together, and they need to put their relationship and each other first. The couple must establish their own rules at the very beginning of the planning phases.

Examples of rules for a Newly Engaged Couple:

• ​”Before saying yes/no to anything, come to me first so we can decide together” OR “you are the primary decision-maker, I will be the person who runs the errands to put it all together” OR “We will split tasks depending on our availability and interest in the activity/choices.”
• Who will be the point person to have conversations with parents/in-laws?
  • Do we have a conversation together with them?
  • Do we have the conversation on our own, and then whoever’s family member will be the point person to talk to them?
  • Do we have a wedding planner that is our middleman?
• What is our wedding philosophy?
  • Do we want it to be a representation of all of our families?
  • Do we want to have fun with family and friends, and we don’t care about the details?
  • Are we trying to make a statement with our wedding?
  • What is our major driver in planning this wedding?
    • Budget
    • Statement Wedding/Vision
    • Spending time with loved ones
    • Party
  • What is our vision, and what are we willing to compromise on for others involved (i.e., parents/in-laws, religious leader)?
  • Discuss how to hold one another accountable, how to check one another when things go array, and how to stay connected.
  • Identify discretionary time where you get to be a couple that isn’t doubling as wedding planners.

Advice for Newly Engaged Couples: Meet the Parents

We all hope that our parents get along with our soon-to-be in-laws, but the reality of that happening can be rare, especially when both sides are putting out large sums of money and emotions are running rampant. Everyone wants to put their 2 cents in. Weddings are a joyous occasion! Try not to lose sight of that in the hodgepodge of tedious planning.

Choose your battles

 Pick and choose your battles and remind your family members to do the same. How important is it to have ivory chair covers over eggshell chair covers at the end of the day? Create a scale for family members to rate 0-100 of importance. If your mother-in-law puts flowers at a 90 and your mother puts them at a 10, give that decision to your mother-in-law.

Balance is key

Your father may have been dreaming for years now of relaxing with his closest friends, the ones who looked out for you as you were growing up, on a veranda smoking a cigar. Let him have that. You may have to balance this with something that your father-in-law wants. Addressing the needs of each family member and allowing them to feel heard will lead to more compliance with you and with each other.

The necessary adjustment phase

If your families disagree right from the start, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Look at wedding planning as an adjustment phase. You and your fiancé should be switching your alignment and priorities from your parents and siblings to your soon-to-be spouse. Parents are in the mindset that they have the primary influence over you. Further, sharing that influence may be challenging and is an adjustment for them. Utilize this time to establish new boundaries with your family where your relationship with your fiancé becomes the priority.

The challenge comes when an individual’s knee-jerk reaction is to rely on their parent’s advice as they’ve done for so long in the past. Having transparent conversations with your partner can help mitigate the need to get support from your family. If you and your fiancé have discussed what the two of you want and have an open line of communication, you’ll find more comfort in coming to your fiancé for support and for making decisions with them over the comfort of your family members.

The trick is setting the boundaries and honoring them. Remember, your alliance is now to your partner and your relationship with them. Parents are going to push (understandably so if they’re contributing money to the wedding). Remind family members that it’s your wedding and you want it to be a representation of your combined love. Reference the wedding philosophy that you and your fiancé created in the beginning. Stay strong with your boundaries. Utilize the 0-100 scale of importance.

Adjustment phases are laborious, and there will be a kickback. Your in-law may insist on having a sushi table despite you not eating fish. Or, your mother might be going overboard with the flowers. Did you and your partner decide that your parents can have whatever they want as long as they pay for it? Or, did you determine the look you’re going for, and despite wanting to please your parents, you want to honor your partner and the couple’s wishes? Stick to the rules you created at the beginning of your wedding planning process as a newly engaged couple.

Controversy is expected

When faced with controversy, be a united front. Have a detailed and concrete conversation with the family members making requests and with your partner. First, discuss the issue at hand with your fiancé. Come to a resolution that fits the two of you. Then, stand by your rules for protocol with communication. Next, sit down with the family member that wants something and have a conversation with them. Acknowledge the family member’s desires and validate their experience while also sticking to the resolution you’ve decided on with your partner.

Newly Engaged Couples Finances

Your love is beautiful, but sometimes it doesn’t fall in line with your finances. The unsexy reality is that a wedding and marriage is a financial decision. Before setting your date and picking your venue, sit with your accountant or financial advisor and see where a wedding will fit into your 1 or 5-year plan.

Financial Questions to get you started as a newly engaged couple:

• Discuss what will be different about filing as a married person versus a single person.
• Where does buying a home fit into this?
• Are taxes and down payments different if you’re single or married?
• What is your partner’s FICO score?
• Do they have any debt, how much, and from what?
• What assets do they have?
• Do you need a new car soon?
• Are you switching jobs?
• What does your healthcare look like?
• Is it to the couple’s benefit to get a prenuptial agreement?
  • Understand thoroughly why each partner does or does not want a prenuptial.
  • What’s the tone you’re setting for the marriage?

These topics are the humdrum details of becoming a unit with your partner that needs to be discussed.

Here is a list of 24 more questions for newly engaged couples!

Having help from parents to pay for a wedding is great but it doesn’t always cover the whole wedding. Often, couples are left pinching pennies and living a lifestyle they aren’t happy with just to have a dream wedding. Understand that you will have to have discussions about finances and lifestyle changes if you choose this route, and frustrations may run high.

Make a budget and stick to it the best you can. Be prepared that you may go over budget as you get wooed by wedding intricacies. Always make the financial decisions together and with the financer(s) (i.e., parents). If something significant comes up that switches your budget, take a step back and adjust for all of the other details that you know about to minimize any future surprises and major adjustments.

Connection

Like many life events – moving in together, buying a home, having a child, retirement – planning a wedding can take up a lot of your time, energy, and thoughts. Too easily do couples get sucked into a “wedding rut.” Couples go days (or even weeks!) where it seems like the only thing they talk or think about is wedding planning.  Being hyper-focused on the wedding can leave partners feeling a little neglected or like a bit of the spark in their relationship has faded. Sometimes your love takes a backseat to the details of wedding planning, which can feel surreal if you hold expectations that your love should be the most important thing throughout the process.

Challenge yourself not to let your love take a backseat. Take a night off where you’re not allowed to talk about details of the wedding. Go on a date. Remember why you’re marrying each other in the first place! Connect in the way that you connected before you started planning the wedding. Remember old inside jokes or get back to your routine that didn’t involve looking at cake toppers or seating arrangements for 2 hours. See our blog on the truth about couples therapy for more information.

Bringing us back to the cardinal rule as a newly engaged couple, stay connected with one another and stand by your partner. Make sure the two of you are on the same page. Check in with your partner before making promises to others if making changes. Lastly, enjoy this monumental time in your life that is just the beginning!

If you’ve found yourself intrigued by this tip and want the help of a trained couples therapist or counselor to guide you through the throes of engagement, we would love to help! Please, call us today to set up your FREE 15-minute phone consultation, 267-495-4951. We also offer online couples therapy and counseling for couples that do not have time to come to an office setting, or if you live further away!

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