1. What made me reach out to start therapy today?
   • What was the moment or feeling that pushed me to take this step?
2. Where in my life do I feel stuck, disconnected, or unfulfilled?
   • Try not to fix it—notice where tension or longing shows up.
3. When do I feel most like myself?
   • Describe a moment where you felt grounded, whole, or safe.
4. What parts of myself do I tend to hide from others? Why?
   • Explore what feels risky to show, and what it might feel like to be seen.
5. What did I learn about love, safety, and emotions growing up?
   • Consider what messages you received—and whether they still fit.
6. What do I want to feel more of in my life and relationships?
   • Hope? Trust? Joy? Connection? Name what you’re longing for.
7. What would healing look like for me, if it were possible?
   • Let yourself dream. What would be different if you truly felt free?
8. What am I proud of myself for—big or small?
   • Think of a time you showed up for yourself or others in a meaningful way.
9. Who or what helps me feel safe, supported, or seen right now?
   • Identify the people, places, or practices that give you a sense of stability.
10. What qualities or inner strengths have helped me get through hard times?
    • Reflect on your resilience—what parts of you show up when things get tough?

Now that you’ve taken some time to reflect…
Honor what came up for you. This is the beginning of something meaningful. If you’re feeling a bit tender, that’s okay, it’s normal, you’re not alone in this. You may feel hopeful or insightful. This is a great start to your therapy journey.

We’ll be in touch shortly to help you take the next step in starting therapy.

In the meantime, consider this:
How will you show up for yourself and give yourself full permission to grow, heal, and be supported?

Feel free to revisit these prompts as often as you need. This work is not linear and doesn’t have to be done all at once. Just showing up is powerful.

The post 10 Journaling Prompts to Start Your Therapy Journey appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Psychotherapy is an evolving field, constantly adapting to new research, insights, and techniques. Among the many modalities available, Process-Oriented Therapy (Process Work) has emerged as a profound and deeply transformative approach to healing. Developed by Dr. Arnold Mindell, this therapeutic method provides a holistic framework that explores the intricacies of human experience, relationships, and inner conflicts. Process-oriented therapy allows therapists to guide clients toward long-term, sustainable change and personal growth, making it especially valuable for individuals seeking more than just surface-level solutions to their struggles.

If you’ve never heard of process-oriented therapy before, keep reading to explore what Process-Oriented Therapy is, its origins, how it compares to newer behavioral therapies, and why it’s a long-term investment that offers enduring results. We’ll also highlight research supporting its effectiveness and discuss why, for those seeking deep, lasting change, Process-Oriented Therapy could be the perfect fit.

What is Process-Oriented Therapy?

Process-oriented therapy (Process Work) is a type of psychotherapy that focuses less on diagnosing and stigmatizing a person and views symptoms and difficulties not merely as problems to be fixed but as gateways to deeper understanding and transformation. It takes a holistic approach, examining the individual as part of a larger, dynamic process that includes their inner experiences, relationships, body sensations, and even dreams. A large part of process work is shifting dynamics to experience different outcomes that will feel better. 

This method of therapy helps clients become aware of the undercurrent driving many of their thoughts, emotions, and actions. Process-oriented therapy focuses on the subtle, often unconscious, processes that influence a person’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. By bringing these hidden dynamics into consciousness, process work encourages deep reflection and self-awareness, guiding individuals to understand the underlying causes of their struggles.

Process-Oriented Therapy is particularly effective for addressing issues related to:

– Attachment styles and relationship dynamics

– Anxiety, depression, and trauma

– Chronic physical symptoms or pain

– Life transitions and existential crises

– Conflicts in family or work environments

Unlike more symptom-focused therapies, which might aim to “fix” a problem quickly, process work delves into the root causes, examining how various life processes manifest in each individual. Process work also considers a person’s biology, marrying nature and nurture to better understand who each person is and what they bring to each experience they embark on. 

For example, several studies have found correlations between the Big Five Personalities, theorized to be more innate than learned, and our attachment styles. A person who is naturally a bit more neurotic has a higher chance of not securely attaching to their caregivers in childhood and having more struggles in adult relationships regarding connection. A person who scores higher on extraversion, conscientiousness, or agreeableness is more likely to attach securely. Interestingly, opennessness was not found to correlate with attachment styles. 

A process-oriented therapist can use this research-driven information to help guide people toward a better understanding of themselves and the world around them. Instead of changing who you are, process work brings you to understand, meet yourself where you are, and highlight your strengths. 

The Origins of Process-Oriented Therapy

Process-Oriented Therapy was developed by Dr. Arnold Mindell, a Jungian psychologist and physicist, in the late 1970s. Mindell, inspired by both psychology and quantum physics, sought to create a therapy that considered the complexities of human experience as part of a larger field of interactions, where seemingly unrelated events and symptoms could provide valuable insights. His work blended Jungian analysis with Eastern philosophies, body awareness, and systems theory to form an integrative model.

In his foundational work, *The Dreambody: The Body’s Role in Healing the Self* (1982), Mindell introduced the concept of the “dreambody,” which posits that physical and emotional symptoms are interconnected, often mirroring unconscious psychological issues. Mindell’s revolutionary approach recognized that everything—from body sensations to interpersonal conflicts—holds the potential for healing if understood through a process-oriented lens.

Research Supporting Process-Oriented Therapy

While Process-Oriented Therapy is still considered outside the mainstream compared to other methods like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), emerging research and anecdotal evidence demonstrate its effectiveness. 

Research in somatic psychology, for example, supports the idea that body sensations and physical symptoms can reveal underlying emotional or psychological issues. Studies show that bringing attention to these subtle sensations can help individuals release long-held trauma and reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression. In a meta-analysis of studies on mind-body therapies, participants reported greater improvements in emotional well-being, self-awareness, and long-term symptom relief compared to those in more cognitively focused therapies.

Another key aspect of therapy focused on understanding emotions and experiences is its emphasis on relationships and communication dynamics, a hallmark of attachment theory. The therapeutic process often involves examining how clients’ attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) influence their relationships. Studies on attachment-based therapy suggest that a focus on relational patterns, as seen in Process-Oriented Therapy, can lead to significant improvements in emotional regulation, communication, and intimacy in both romantic, friendship, and familial relationships.

Process work has also been used effectively in group settings, especially in conflict resolution and organizational development. For instance, its principles have been applied in peace-building initiatives in regions of social unrest, where understanding group dynamics and unconscious processes is crucial for lasting conflict resolution.

Comparing Process-Oriented Therapy to Behavioral Therapy: Key Differences

To understand why Process-Oriented Therapy is a long-term, deeper approach to psychotherapy, it’s helpful to compare it to behavioral therapies like CBT. Both methods have their strengths, but they differ significantly in their philosophy, goals, and techniques.

Why Process-Oriented Therapy is a Long-Term Investment in Personal Growth

At first glance, Process-Oriented Therapy might seem like a more time-consuming and costly approach compared to shorter, symptom-focused therapies like CBT. However, for many individuals, it offers long-term benefits that make it a worthwhile investment.

1.  Deeper Self-Awareness through Process-Oriented Therapy

One of the core tenets of process work is that healing and change come from having more awareness of the subtle, often unconscious, processes and beliefs that shape our thoughts, behaviors, and relationships. These processes are not always accessible through more structured, short-term therapies. Over time, Process-Oriented Therapy helps individuals understand the root causes of their struggles and the patterns that stem from them rather than merely addressing surface-level symptoms.

For example, CBT may help someone reduce anxiety by challenging negative thoughts, which makes it great for people who are currently anxious and want to reduce symptoms. CBT is reactive in nature, helping clients solve something once it occurs and is in their consciousness. 

Process-Oriented Therapy will look at the deeper fears or unresolved issues that fuel the anxiety in the first place, working to resolve these deeper fears so that anxiety does not show up in the first place. Process-Oriented therapy is proactive by helping the client not have a symptom altogether by making changes to the unconscious. By bringing these underlying factors into awareness, clients can experience longer-lasting change that endures beyond one specific problem or issue. Process changes are linked to many life experiences and, therefore, a person’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors as one moves through these events. 

2. Addressing the Whole Person through Process-Oriented Therapy

Process-Oriented Therapy doesn’t separate the mind from the body or emotions. Instead, it encourages clients to see themselves as whole beings, where every sensation, thought, or dream carries meaning. This integrative approach is particularly beneficial for individuals with trauma, chronic illness, or complex emotional issues, as it allows for a deeper understanding of how psychological issues manifest in the body.

involves exploring not just the immediate symptoms a client presents but the underlying emotional, relational, and unconscious patterns driving those symptoms. In contrast to behavioral approaches that focus on surface-level changes, process-oriented therapy digs deeper into the client’s entire lived experience. For example, a client might come to therapy feeling anxious about public speaking. In cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), the focus would be on addressing the anxiety through strategies like cognitive restructuring or exposure therapy. While this can be effective, it may only address the anxiety on a surface level.

In process-oriented therapy, the therapist would explore the client’s broader history, such as how their early relationships or experiences of feeling unseen or unheard might contribute to their fear of public speaking. This could lead to discussions about childhood experiences of being criticized or silenced, which have shaped the client’s self-concept and emotional responses. Additionally, the therapist might explore body sensations, dreams, or recurring relational patterns that reflect deeper emotional wounds. This approach seeks to integrate all aspects of the person—their cognitive, emotional, physical, and unconscious experiences—into the healing process, providing a more comprehensive and transformative outcome over time.

Rather than focusing solely on changing behaviors or thoughts, process-oriented therapy seeks to foster a deeper understanding of the self, creating a lasting shift in the client’s emotional and relational landscape. For instance, a client dealing with relationship conflicts might come to recognize how unresolved grief or past trauma shapes their current interactions, allowing for more authentic connections once they work through these deeper issues.

3. Long-Lasting Results

While behavioral therapies like CBT can be effective in the short term, many clients find that their symptoms return once therapy has ended, especially if the root cause of the issue was not fully addressed. In contrast, Process-Oriented Therapy fosters a deep transformation that results in lasting personal growth. By exploring unconscious processes and becoming more attuned to inner signals, clients are better equipped to handle future challenges on their own.

4. Healing Relationships

Attachment theory plays a significant role in Process-Oriented Therapy, as the therapeutic process often involves exploring how early attachment patterns influence current relationships. By gaining insight into attachment styles and relational patterns, clients can foster more secure, healthy connections with others. This is particularly important for those who struggle with intimacy, trust, or communication in relationships.

5. Tailored to the Individual

Process-Oriented Therapy is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Each session is tailored to the individual’s unique experiences, emotions, and needs. The therapist may work with dreams, body sensations, relationship dynamics, or other unconscious processes, depending on what arises in the moment. This flexibility allows for a more personalized, in-depth exploration than many other therapy methods.

Why Invest in Long-Term Therapy?

While Process-Oriented Therapy may take longer to complete, its benefits are profound and enduring. While shorter-term therapies are certainly effective in reducing symptoms quickly, they often fail to address the deeper causes of psychological distress, resulting in similar issues reoccurring for the person. Although some people can have longer-lasting effects from shorter term therapies, such as CBT or DBT, many are in a maintenance phase where they have to apply certain tools if symptoms arise. 

Long-term, process-oriented therapy gets to the root cause and helps to heal or shift. Long-term therapy ultimately makes it so that you’re not experiencing the issue you’d need skills for from the behavioral type therapies. Investing in long-term therapy allows clients to experience true transformation by understanding themselves deeper, and healing from the inside out.

What to Expect in a Process-Oriented, Longer-Term Therapeutic Relationship

1. Exploring Feelings in the Moment – Instead of just talking about problems, the therapist helps the person focus on how they feel right now. For example, “Where do you feel this anxiety in your body?” or “What thoughts come up when you feel this way?”
2. Looking at Patterns – The therapist helps the person notice repeating behaviors or emotional patterns in their life. They might say, “It seems like you feel this way in many relationships. Let’s explore why that happens.”
   1. The client will bring current issues into the therapy room, and the therapist will guide them to be able to recognize all of the different parts and layers at play in that issue: thoughts, feelings, beliefs, dynamics, memories, actions, traumas, etc. 
3. Unpacking Early Experiences – The therapist encourages the person to talk about past experiences, especially from childhood, that may be affecting them today. For example, “What was it like growing up in your family? How did you deal with emotions then?” Or, “This seems to be something you often experience in different contexts. Does that have meaning to it for you?”
4. Working with Dreams and Imagery – Sometimes, the therapist may ask the person to describe a dream or use their imagination to explore what’s going on deep inside. For example, “If it’s difficult for you to label the emotion, can you describe what it looks like or can you give me an image of the emotion that comes up in your head?”
5. Noticing Body Sensations—The therapist might ask the person to pay attention to their body, as physical feelings often reflect emotional states. For instance, “What do you notice in your body when you talk about this? Is there tension or a sensation you can describe?” Or, “I noticed as you spoke about your boss, you became more rigid in your movement, and you seem tense, almost scared. Is this right?”
6. Relational Work – Instead of focusing only on the problem, the therapist looks at how the person interacts with others, including the therapist. For example, “How do you feel when you say that to me? Does this remind you of how you talk to people in your life?” Or, I noticed your tone of voice got different toward me when you were speaking about your mother. I’m wondering if you were speaking to her in that moment rather than me?” Or, “I often experience you as more passive in our relationship. Does this feel correct to you? Do you tend to play a passive role in your other relationships?”
7. Allowing Space for Uncertainty – In process-oriented therapy, it’s okay not to have all the answers right away. The therapist might encourage the person to sit with their confusion or discomfort and explore it, saying, “Let’s stay with that feeling and see what comes up next.” Or, “It’s okay you don’t know what it means. Can you pay attention to how often and in what contexts it shows up for you daily and come back next week to explore more?”

In short, these techniques help people dig below the surface to understand not just what they think or do but also why they feel the way they do and how those feelings are connected to their life experiences, beliefs, values, and relationships.

Key Benefits of Long-Term Therapy:

• Greater emotional resilience: By addressing the root causes of distress, clients develop emotional tools that last a lifetime.
• Improved relationships: Understanding attachment styles and relational dynamics leads to healthier, more fulfilling connections.
• Holistic healing: Integrating mind, body, and emotions provides a complete healing experience targeting all potential areas of distress.
• Sustainable growth: Long-term therapy results in more profound, enduring personal development compared to short-term interventions.

Is Process-Oriented Therapy Right for You?

If you’re seeking a therapy that goes beyond symptom relief and delves into the deeper layers of your experiences, Process-Oriented Therapy could be the right fit. It offers a transformative, long-term approach that addresses the root causes of emotional distress, helping you cultivate lasting change and personal growth. Moreover, process work puts you in the driver’s seat. Clients often feel empowered through understanding, which leads to change. 

At The Better You Institute, we specialize in Process-Oriented Therapy, using attachment theory and other modalities to guide individuals toward healing. Whether you’re struggling with relationships, anxiety, trauma, or simply seeking a deeper understanding of yourself, our therapists are here to help.

If you’re ready to embark on a journey of self-discovery and transformation, we invite you to reach out and schedule an initial consultation. Let’s work together to unlock your potential for growth and lasting change.

The post Exploring Process-Oriented Therapy: A Deep Dive into Long-Term Healing appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Raising a child in the United States has plenty of challenges, with childcare being at the top of the list for most families. One way of deciding which childcare provider is the best for you and your family is to think about your own attachment styles and the potential attachment styles of your children and their caretakers for the day. Most families are paying a lot of money for their childcare. They want what’s best for their child, and they want their money to go as far as possible. Looking through the lens of attachment styles may help you choose what’s best for your child and your family. This article embarks on a journey through the realms of attachment, unveiling the impact that different childcare choices—daycare, nanny care, or stay-at-home parenting—can have on a child’s attachment style.

Understanding Attachment Development in Early Childhood

During those precious years of early childhood, the role of attachment stands as a cornerstone. Attachment is a fundamental aspect of human development, shaping emotional well-being and interpersonal relationships throughout life. Understanding the role of childcare in shaping attachment styles is pivotal for parents when it comes to making tough decisions about early childcare. It’s helpful to have a starting point to consider. Parents or guardians must understand the impact that their child’s daily caretaker has on their child.

Your child and you will have the biggest impact on each other. However, outside caretakers such as nannies or daycare employees also have a huge influence on your child’s mental and emotional development. Not only that, but your child may also impact the caretaker. Understand that your mental and emotional health will shift throughout your time with your children. Sometimes you will feel more regulated than others. Knowing why and where the regulation changes come from can help you and your child stay connected. You should also be looking for daily caretakers aware of how their emotional regulation may impact your child. 

Exploring the Link Between Early Caregiving and Attachment Formation

Attachment styles, as defined by psychologist John Bowlby, refer to the emotional bonds formed between a child and their primary caregiver. At the heart of attachment lies the dynamic interplay between early caregiving and the formation of secure emotional bonds. These early relationships set the stage for a child’s ability to trust, self-regulate, and connect with others. They also set the foundation for all their other relationships, such as friendships, intimate partnerships, co-working, and the relationship with themselves.  

The Role of Attachment Styles in Shaping Personal Development

Attachment styles, woven into the fabric of a child’s psyche, extend their influence far beyond childhood. From influencing self-esteem to shaping interpersonal dynamics, understanding attachment styles is paramount in comprehending the intricacies of personal development. Find below examples of the four main attachment styles and how they shape personal development. 

Secure attachment is characterized by feelings of trust, safety, and comfort in relationships. Adults with secure attachment styles tend to have had consistent and responsive caregiving during childhood, which laid the foundation for healthy emotional regulation and interpersonal connections. Examples of secure attachment in personal development include children who grow up to have confident self-image, strong and meaningful interpersonal relationships, security in expressing their emotions and seeking support from others, and are generally resilient in adversity.   

Anxious Attachment: Anxious attachment is characterized by a fear of abandonment and a constant need for reassurance and validation in relationships. Individuals with anxious attachment styles may have experienced inconsistent caregiving or even neglect during childhood, leading to feelings of insecurity and anxiety. Examples of anxious attachment in personal development may manifest as a strong fear of rejection, low self-esteem, and overall hypervigilance in relationships driven by a desire to constantly monitor and interpret minor cues as signs of potential abandonment.

Avoidant Attachment: Avoidant attachment is characterized by a reluctance to rely on others for support and a fear of intimacy and vulnerability in relationships. Individuals with avoidant attachment styles may have experienced emotional or physical distancing from caregivers during childhood, leading to a heightened sense of independence and self-sufficiency.

Disorganized Attachment: disorganized attachment is characterized by conflicting behaviors and responses in relationships, stemming from unresolved trauma or inconsistent caregiving experiences. Individuals with disorganized attachment styles may have experienced abuse, neglect, or other forms of trauma during childhood, leading to a chaotic and unpredictable relationship with attachment figures.

Attachment Theory: A Brief Overview

To comprehend the resounding impact of childcare choices, a brief exploration of attachment theory is essential.

Understanding the Core Principles of Attachment Theory

John Bowlby pioneered attachment theory, revolutionizing our understanding of the emotional bonds that shape our development. Humans are inherently social beings, hardwired to seek and maintain close relationships. In his research, Bowlby introduced the significance of a “secure base,” emphasizing the caregiver’s role as one of the first relationships in providing a secure foundation. This term refers to the primary caregiver, usually a parent, who provides comfort and security for the child. This secure base acts as a launching pad, allowing the child to confidently explore the world, knowing they have a safe haven to return to when needed.

According to researchers Simpson, Rholes, Eller, and Paetzold, attachment theory has nine major principles and hypotheses. 

1. Attachment is an evolutionary, biological process that helps explain a predisposition to want and engage in proximity to important others for safety and survival
2. Attachment theory and the need for closeness and safety for survival are interrelated with other systems, such as the caregiving, sexuality, and exploration systems. 
3. The main factor in the development of attachment styles – secure or insecure attachment – is the interplay between the attachment and caregiving systems. 
4. There are three main functions of attachment relationships that promote self-regulation and emotional regulation
   1. Promote proximity seeking
   2. Provide safety
   3. Offer a secure base
5. Attachment figures (i.e., parents and caregivers) and types of attachments to them (secure vs. insecure) shape our internal working models (archetypes, mental representations, worldviews) of the Self and others. 
6. Attachment styles guide cognitions, perceptions, emotions, attitudes, and behaviors across the entire lifespan but may change in response to attachment-relevant events (a trauma from a caregiver) or contexts (being in a loving, supportive long-term intimate relationship)
7. Secure attachment can serve as a resource to facilitate resilience, whereas insecure attachment may serve as a vulnerability often associated with poorer life outcomes, such as mental health and interpersonal difficulties
8. Individuals are hard-wired with reactions when they are separated from or lose their attachment figures: grief and adaptation
9. Attachment styles are universal but are influenced by culture

How Early Experiences Influence Attachment Patterns

The mosaic of attachment patterns takes shape through early experiences. Whether a caregiver consistently responds to a child’s needs or is intermittently available significantly influences the development of one of four attachment styles: secure, avoidant, ambivalent, or disorganized. These styles, shaped by early experiences, impact how people approach and navigate other relationships throughout their lives. A secure attachment forms when a caregiver consistently meets the child’s needs—providing comfort when distressed, responding to cries, and offering a secure base for exploration. This responsiveness creates a profound sense of trust and safety in the child. The other attachment styles can develop into other patterns. For more details, read the basics of attachment theory.

Daycare vs. Nanny vs. Stay-at-Home Parenting: Exploring the Options

As parents navigate their childcare choices, it becomes imperative to examine the impact of daycare, nanny care, and stay-at-home parenting on attachment styles. Things to consider for your family are your children’s needs for socialization, education, sleep, food, routine, stability, and security. Taking into consideration you as the parent/guardian and what your needs are for scheduling (when you go to work, what drop off/pick up looks like, location, etc.) also plays a crucial role in childcare. Lastly, you want to take into consideration the financial burden of childcare. For some families who have a parent who makes less money than what outside childcare costs, it doesn’t make financial sense for them to continue working. 

Comparing Different Childcare Arrangements and Their Potential Impact on Attachment

Daycare, with its social dynamics but group caretaking, contrasts with the intimate care a nanny or stay-at-home parent provides. Stay-at-home parenting offers an added unique, consistent presence for your child. Comparing these options unveils the intricate web of influences that can shape a child’s attachment style and whether it becomes secure, avoidant, anxious, or disorganized.

Secure – A child who is securely attached to their parents or guardians will most likely have an easy time with whatever setting you put them in. However, if a nanny is aloof or overly involved, your child’s attachment could shift to a disorganized attachment style due to the mixed messaging of main caretakers. 

Anxious – If your child is anxiously attached, they may need extra attention to counterbalance what they receive at home. The idea of a nanny could help provide them with the intimate caretaking they need to develop a secure attachment. 

Avoidant – A daycare setting may be a good setting for a child who is avoidantly attached as the daycare offers structure and stability. Most daycares are on a set schedule, eating snacks and lunch, napping, and having storytime all at the same time. Your child will come to depend on this structure for safety. Structure and safety will allow the child to trust others and open themselves up to being vulnerable with others, which could be a shift to secure attachment. 

Disorganized – Attached children who are disorganized could also benefit from a daycare setting with a lot of stability. The child will see the same teachers and children each day, be put on a schedule, and be able to depend on this. A very structured, long-term nanny could also help a disorganized child become more securely attached. 

Factors to Consider When Choosing a Childcare Setting

Choosing a childcare setting requires a thoughtful examination of factors such as the quality of caregiver interactions, the consistency of the environment, and the overall emotional tone. These considerations are vital in aligning the chosen childcare with the child’s attachment needs.

Quality of Caregiver Interactions – Does the caretaker work to be intentional with and attuned to your child? Is the caretaker present or daydreaming, on their phone, or chatting with the other caregivers in the room? Are the interactions well thought out: freeplay vs. organized activities; teaching vs. conversational; emotionally regulated vs. unregulated? Does your caretaker take care of themself so they can attune to your child – eats properly, drinks water throughout the day, regulates their caffeine intake, doesn’t show up hungover or high on substances, gets enough sleep, has healthy outside relationships that don’t bleed into their care for your child. 

Consistency of the Environment – does the caretaker have your child on a schedule for snacks, lunches, naps, reading, free play, etc.? Is the environment clean and well kept? Does the room or home stay fairly consistent, such as keeping the furniture in the same place, paint color, where your child sleeps, and not many new people or animals?

Emotional Tone – How warm, empathic, curious, and compassionate are your child’s caregivers? Do they lift up your child or put them down? Are they accepting of your child’s big feelings, or do they dismiss them making statements, “big boys don’t cry” or “little girls shouldn’t act that way?” Does the caretaker have an upbeat, positive demeanor? Do they display toxic positivity or toxic masculinity? Are they aligned with your values and belief systems? 

Attachment Styles in Daycare Settings

Attachment styles in daycare settings refer to how children form emotional bonds and connections with their caregivers or teachers in a non-family environment. Daycare environments, with their blend of social interactions and structured routines, present a distinctive landscape for attachment development. When children attend daycare, their attachment styles can be influenced by the interactions and relationships they form in this setting, contributing to a secure, avoidant, anxious, or disorganized pattern.

Examining the Effects of Daycare on Attachment Security

Navigating the complexities of daycare dynamics, there is a potential for positive and challenging effects on attachment security. Daycare environments provide children with valuable opportunities for socialization. Interacting with peers and caregivers fosters the development of social skills and emotional intelligence, contributing to secure attachments. Positive interactions with consistent caregivers can enhance a child’s sense of security and trust. In contrast, exposure to a variety of caregivers, often present in a daycare setting due to high turnover rates in staff, also allows children to form attachments with multiple individuals. 

Exposure to diverse social interactions can foster resilience, yet the potential for inconsistency and a high child-to-caregiver ratio may pose challenges. The ratio of children to caregivers in daycare settings is crucial. A lower ratio often allows for more individualized attention, promoting secure attachments. High ratios may pose challenges in providing personalized care. Parents might also consider how adjusting to the daycare environment may pose initial challenges for some children. Separation anxiety during drop-offs can impact attachment security, but with time and consistent care, many children adapt successfully.

Strategies for Promoting Healthy Attachment in Daycare Environments

For parents opting for daycare, implementing strategies to promote healthy attachment becomes paramount. From selecting high-quality centers to fostering open communication with caregivers, there are proactive steps to enhance the attachment experience within a daycare setting. You are your child’s advocate and voice. If you feel something isn’t serving your child, speak up. Request to have a meeting with the teacher where you go over what you know your child needs. Be open to hearing feedback as to why the teacher is doing something a certain way or what they are noticing about your child in daycare. Many children act differently outside of the home versus in the home. Join together to come up with a plan that best suits your child’s needs within the context of daycare. The quality of attachment formed at home also influences a child’s overall attachment security. A secure base at home, where parents are responsive and emotionally available, complements the experiences in daycare.

The Role of Nannies in Attachment Development

The personalized care provided by nannies within the familiar confines of the child’s home environment introduces a unique dynamic to attachment development. Hiring a nanny for your childcare also usually offers more agency on the parent’s part for the type of care their child receives. 

Exploring the Benefits and Challenges of Nanny Care for Attachment Formation

Nanny care, with its one-on-one interactions, offers an intimate setting conducive to secure attachment. However, challenges such as caregiver turnover, cancellations, or potential conflicts between you and the nanny may impact the attachment experience. Understanding these nuances is crucial for parents considering nanny care.

If you have a nanny as your main caregiver, they may experience burnout or find another job and leave working with you. This creates instability for your child as they are going to have to get used to another provider in their home watching them daily. Most families do not have a backup if their nanny is sick or calls out of work, this lends itself to high stress for both of the parents, which may impact how they attune to their child that day. Lastly, you are the boss to the nanny, meaning you have a lot of say in how the nanny does their job. However, you also have to honor that they are their own person and will bring in their own set of values and belief systems that will guide how they care for your child. 

Building Secure Attachments in Nanny-Child Relationships

Navigating the delicate dance between a nanny and a child involves establishing trust, consistent routines, and open communication. Strategies for building secure attachments within the nanny-child relationship are vital for parents seeking optimal attachment outcomes. Part of this can be done by you having a good relationship with your nanny. Help them to feel happy and secure at their job. Pay them well, give them time off, and support them if they are saying they are feeling burnt out. At the same time, hold them accountable for the discussions and requests you’ve made. 

In addition to having a good relationship with your nanny, you also need to be meeting with them regularly to go over how they are caring for your child. Discuss moments throughout the day that may have been difficult for them regarding their own values and the values you’ve set out for them to teach your child. Talk through how it was handled, give accolades where they are due, and feedback when necessary. Suggest books, podcasts, or other resources to them that you follow to promote alignment in your parenting styles. Most importantly, work to not undermine them in front of or with your children. If you are unhappy with something, take it to the nanny, not your children. 

Stay-at-Home Parenting: Nurturing Attachment Bonds

The traditional approach of stay-at-home parenting provides a consistent and emotionally available caregiver. With well-thought-out social events, your child can also get the socialization they need in a home care setting. However, it can also create burnout and resentment in one parent over the other if the family is not mindful of the role of the stay-at-home parent. 

Understanding the Unique Opportunities for Attachment Development in Stay-at-Home Environments

Stay-at-home parenting offers a unique canvas for attachment development, with its continuous presence and opportunities for attuned responsiveness. Recognizing the advantages of this option provides insights into the potential for secure attachments to flourish. One parent has direct oversight and can curate how they want to raise their child, from their daily activities to the education and social events they have them participate in. You also get to choose what food and schedule your child is on. All of these impact your child’s attachment style development. 

Strategies for Fostering Secure Attachment in the Home

For parents embracing the role of stay-at-home parenting, intentional strategies such as creating a secure home base, fostering emotional responsiveness, and engaging in meaningful interactions are crucial for fostering secure attachment. Being your best self will help your child be their best self. Similar to what you want out of your outside caretakers, you want to also do: learn how to emotionally regulate (probably the most difficult for you as it is much more difficult to regulate yourself when a human representation of yourself is staring back at you, aka your child), be mindful of your state of mind that day (too caffeinated, hungover, distracted, etc.), move your body, maintain healthy relationships with your partner, friends, and family members so that they don’t bleed into your caretaking that day. 

Here are 10 things you can do with your child to promote secure attachment from their childcare with you: 

1. Responsive Caregiving: Respond promptly and sensitively to your child’s needs, whether it’s hunger, discomfort, or emotional distress. Prompt responses help build trust and security in the parent-child relationship.
2. Emotional Availability: Tune in to your child’s emotional cues and validate their feelings. Show empathy and understanding when your child expresses joy, sadness, anger, or fear.
3. Consistent Routine: Establish a predictable daily routine that provides structure and stability for your child. Consistency helps children feel safe and secure, knowing what to expect each day.
4. Physical Affection: Offer plenty of hugs, cuddles, and physical affection throughout the day. Physical touch promotes feelings of safety and nurturance, reinforcing the bond between parent and child.
5. Playful Interaction: Engage in playful and interactive activities with your child. Play is a powerful way to strengthen attachment bonds, promote communication, and foster a sense of joy and connection.
6. Positive Reinforcement: Offer praise and encouragement for your child’s efforts and achievements, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement boosts self-esteem and reinforces the parent-child bond.
7. Empathetic Listening: Practice active listening when your child communicates with you. Validate their thoughts and feelings, and let them know that their voice matters and is heard.
8. Secure Base: Serve as a secure base from which your child can explore the world. Offer support and encouragement as they navigate new experiences while also providing a safe haven for them to return to when needed.
9. Limit Setting: Set clear and consistent limits for behavior, accompanied by gentle explanations and guidance. Boundaries help children feel secure and understand expectations within the parent-child relationship.
10. Quality Time: Carve out dedicated one-on-one time with your child each day, free from distractions. Whether it’s reading together, going for a walk, or simply talking about their day, quality time strengthens attachment bonds and nurtures emotional connection.

Factors Influencing Attachment Formation in Early Childhood

The intricate dance of attachment formation is influenced by various factors, with parental sensitivity, consistency, and responsiveness playing pivotal roles. Additionally, your child’s innate characteristics and personalities will pose as guides to their attachments. For instance, if your child is naturally more contentious or agreeable, they may experience a caregiver’s aloofness differently than a child who is instinctually more neurotic. A caregiver must be in tune with a child’s natural tendencies and adapt to the child. Maybe even more importantly, the child should never be asked to adapt to the adult’s needs or wants. Forcing a child to adapt will result in maladaptive behaviors in adulthood and insecure attachments. 

Examining the Impact of Parental Sensitivity, Consistency, and Responsiveness on Attachment Security

The way parents respond to a child’s needs, their consistency in providing support, and their overall responsiveness significantly shape the attachment security experienced by the child. Exploring these factors provides a nuanced understanding of attachment dynamics. A parent’s attunement to their child is being aware of their child’s needs, sensing before the child can. Staying consistent in your presence with your child and keeping structure (schedule, emotions, vibes, etc.) can help the child know they are safe. Lastly, responding consistently without changing the rules of engagement or missing opportunities to respond leads the child to feel your sturdiness as a base if something goes wrong when they explore. 

Identifying Key Components for Healthy Attachment Development

Key components, such as emotional availability, attuned responsiveness, and creating a secure base, form the building blocks for healthy attachment development. Recognizing and implementing these components is essential for parents seeking to foster secure attachments. Parents who hold their children accountable for being their best selves while showing compassion and empathy when they aren’t their best selves tend to raise more securely attached children. Children who can try new things and potentially fail but figure out how to fix it independently are more likely to develop secure attachments. Knowing they are free to explore and try things but returning to a safe base offers children the freedom to learn about the world and themselves within the world. They need to do this independent of the caregiver; otherwise, they may take on the caregiver’s worldview and combine their sense of Self with their parent’s. 

Attachment Styles and Later Life Outcomes

Attachment styles formed in early childhood extend their influence into adulthood, shaping personal relationships and overall well-being. Childcare plays a paramount role in developing attachment styles as your child spends most of their day in childcare. Many adults have core memories that take place in their early life childcare. 

Exploring the Long-Term Effects of Early Attachment Experiences on Personal Relationships and Well-being

The echoes of early attachment experiences resonate throughout an individual’s life and this article. Understanding the long-term effects on personal relationships and overall well-being sheds light on the enduring impact of attachment styles. How a caretaker responded (or didn’t) to a child in times of need will impact how that adult responds to others and themselves. Our early childhood experiences serve as models for adulthood interactions. The roles we take on or are given in childhood will continue into adulthood. We also tend to seek familiarity. If a child’s caretaker is emotionally aloof, that child will gravitate toward partners who are emotionally aloof because it’s comfortable and familiar. 

How Early Attachment Patterns Shape Adult Attachment Styles

The continuity of attachment patterns from childhood into adulthood highlights the enduring influence of early caregiving experiences. Recognizing how these patterns shape adult attachment styles is crucial for individuals seeking self-awareness and personal growth.

• Secure Attachment: Children who experience consistent and responsive caregiving develop a secure attachment. They grow up feeling confident in themselves and their relationships, leading to a secure attachment style in adulthood characterized by trust, intimacy, and comfort with emotional closeness.
• Anxious Attachment: Children who receive inconsistent caregiving, alternating between responsiveness and neglect, may develop an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. In adulthood, they may exhibit clingy behavior, fear of abandonment, and a constant need for reassurance in relationships.
• Avoidant Attachment: Children who experience caregivers who are consistently unresponsive or dismissive of their needs may develop an avoidant attachment style. In adulthood, they may exhibit dismissive-avoidant attachment, characterized by a discomfort with intimacy, emotional distance, and a preference for independence.
• Disorganized Attachment: Children who experience severe neglect, abuse, or trauma may develop a disorganized attachment style. In adulthood, they may exhibit fearful-avoidant attachment, characterized by a mixture of longing for closeness and fear of rejection, resulting in ambivalence and difficulty trusting others.

Addressing Attachment Challenges: Therapy Approaches

For those facing challenges in attachment, therapeutic interventions provide a path for healing and growth.

Introducing Attachment-Based Therapeutic Interventions for Addressing Early Attachment Wounds

Attachment-based therapeutic interventions, grounded in understanding early attachment wounds or breaks, provide a specialized approach to addressing challenges. These interventions aim to unravel and heal, offering corrective attachment experiences and addressing the impact of early attachment experiences. Some of them include the following: 

1. Internal Family Systems (IFS):

Overview: IFS explores the internal dynamics of the individual’s mind, treating it as a system of different “parts.” IFS theorizes that the parts develop as protectors of the individual due to certain traumatic (e.g., attachment breaks) life circumstances. Clients work to understand and unburden these protective parts, often linked to specific attachment wounds. IFS also works to get at the exile, or core belief about the Self that hinders the individual from being their true Self. 

Application: Therapists guide clients in recognizing and connecting with various parts of themselves, promoting self-compassion and internal harmony.

2. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT):

Overview: EFT focuses on restructuring emotional responses within relationships. It helps clients identify insecure attachment styles and their symptoms. EFT then helps the individual express their emotions, fostering secure emotional bonds.

Application: Therapists guide clients in expressing vulnerable emotions, facilitating empathetic responses from themselves and others.

3. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT):

Overview: DBT combines cognitive-behavioral techniques with mindfulness. It addresses emotional regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and distress tolerance issues. These are usually learned behaviors from childhood with an insecurely attached parent or caregiver. DBT helps the individual break free of unhealthy learned behaviors. 

Application: Therapists help clients develop skills for managing intense emotions, navigating relationships, and building a sense of mastery over their lives.

4. Mindfulness-Based Interventions:

Overview: Mindfulness practices cultivate present-moment awareness. These interventions help individuals observe and accept their thoughts and emotions without judgment. Mindfulness helps the client be aware of what is currently happening, what is being triggered from childhood, and how their attachment is being activated. 

Application: Therapists teach mindfulness techniques to enhance self-awareness, reduce anxiety, and promote a compassionate understanding of oneself.

5. Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT):

Overview: TF-CBT is designed specifically for individuals under 21 years of age who have experienced trauma. It integrates cognitive-behavioral strategies with trauma-sensitive approaches. Attachment styles, much like trauma, have a profound impact on a person’s sense of security and their ability to navigate relationships. Just as TF-CBT addresses childhood trauma, it’s essential to consider how various childcare options contribute to the formation of secure attachment, as well as considering how traumatic experiences can lead to one of the insecure attachment styles.

Application: Therapists guide clients in processing traumatic experiences, helping them build resilience and establish a sense of safety. Through its holistic approach to addressing attachment wounds and trauma-related challenges, TF-CBT provides individuals with the tools, support, and guidance they need to reclaim their lives and thrive. As a transformative therapeutic modality, TF-CBT empowers people to rewrite their stories, cultivate resilience, and embrace a future filled with hope and possibility. Using caregiver involvement and family therapy sessions, TF-CBT also helps to repair and nurture supportive relationships, fostering a sense of security and trust. By instilling skills for problem-solving, goal-setting, and self-advocacy, TF-CBT empowers individuals to overcome challenges, build confidence, and cultivate a sense of agency in their lives.

Strategies for Healing and Growth in Attachment-Oriented Therapy

Within the realms of attachment-oriented therapy, individuals and families can explore strategies for healing and growth. From creating a safe therapeutic space to developing coping mechanisms, these strategies empower individuals to navigate their attachment journey. Ultimately, individuals and families need to experience securely attached moments that outweigh the insecurely attached experiences from their past as a point of reference for interacting in the world.  

Conclusion: Navigating Childcare Choices for Healthy Attachment Development

As parents navigate the maze of childcare choices, the quest for healthy attachment development takes center stage. Empowering parents with knowledge about the potential impacts of daycare, nanny care, and stay-at-home parenting allows them to make informed decisions aligned with their child’s unique needs. Recognizing the nuances of each option is key to fostering optimal attachment outcomes.

Promoting Attachment Security for Optimal Child Development and Well-being

Ultimately, the goal is to promote attachment security, laying the groundwork for optimal child development and overall well-being. Navigating the complexities of childcare choices requires thoughtful consideration of attachment dynamics, empowering parents to foster resilient, thriving attachments in their children. Primarily, to promote secure attachment, you need to pay attention to your own attachment style, that of the caregiver (nanny, daycare provider, or stay-at-home parent and how their attachment style drives their interactions and presence with the child. Additionally, you need to consider your child’s natural tendencies toward certain behaviors and ways of understanding the world (Big Five Personality: neuroticism, conscientiousness, agreeableness, extraversion, and openness). If you’ve been navigating the intricacies of these childcare planning questions and would like to discuss them  further, consider discussing your questions and concerns with a therapist. 

The post The Impact of Childcare on Attachment Styles: Does Choosing Daycare, Nanny, or Stay-at-Home Parenting Matter? appeared first on The Better You Institute.

OCD in Adolescents & Children: Symptoms, Diagnosis & Treatment

Has your child or teenager been recently diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)? Or maybe they are displaying some symptoms but you are unsure if they are related to a diagnosis or not. OCD is a mental health disorder that has become an increasingly popular topic in recent years. Although portrayals of OCD in the media are often misrepresented or misunderstood, OCD is far more complex than just liking things clean or being particular about certain things. Throughout this discussion, we will explore the different types of obsessive compulsive disorder and what it looks like in children and adolescents. 

What is OCD in children and adolescents? 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental health diagnosis that consists of two important parts: obsessions and compulsions. A child with OCD will experience intrusive and obsessive thoughts that are based on fears. Compulsive rituals may be used to manage the anxiety that comes along with thoughts. Obsessions and compulsions can develop as children grow, making them more frequent and debilitating as children get older. 

Obsessions

The first aspect of OCD, obsessions, are unwanted and troubling thoughts. These thoughts are extremely exhausting, bothersome and even painful to the person experiencing them, which in turn brings the other side of OCD, compulsions. Common obsessions in adolescents and children with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) can include fear of germs or contamination, concern about illness or death, worry about negative occurrences happening, fear of performing violent actions, fear of harm coming to themselves or loved ones, excessive concern with symmetry or orderliness, disturbing sexual thoughts or images, troubling religious thoughts, worry about sexual orientation, and fear of making mistakes. 

Compulsions

Compulsions are a way to help alleviate the person having obsessive thoughts. Whether that be to help stop the negative thoughts, keep bad things from happening or lessen the pain of the thoughts. Compulsions may be linked in some way to the negative thoughts but could also be totally random. For example, a person with OCD may have a compulsion that makes them check doors repeatedly to ensure that they are locked with no real thought behind the action. 

What causes OCD in adolescents and children?

The exact cause of OCD is not known at the time this article was written. However, researchers do believe there are a few contributing factors to whether a person develops OCD or not, which is neurochemistry, genetics, and environment. 

Neurochemistry

Our neurochemistry plays a critical role in the development of OCD. The main neurotransmitters involved in this disorder occurring in an individual are glutamate, serotonin and dopamine. 

Glutamate 

Multiple studies are supporting the idea that people with OCD show higher levels of glutamate, a neurotransmitter. Glutamate is an excitatory neurotransmitter that runs throughout the central nervous system, its main job being to make GABA (the calming neurotransmitter) regulate memory, cognition, and mood. However, too much or too little glutamate can have devastating effects on the body. With a deficiency of glutamate a person may experience symptoms of ADHD, like feelings of restlessness and trouble concentrating, trouble with memory, and insomnia. With higher levels of glutamate, a person may experience anxiety, depression, restlessness, inability to concentrate, headaches, insomnia, fatigue, and increased sensitivity to pain

Too much glutamate can be caused by low levels of GABA. Excessive glutamate will stay in between nerve cells, activating glutamate receptors and exciting nerve cells constantly. An excess of glutamate can then lead to a brain tissue dying off which causes neurological and neurodegenerative diseases like Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, Huntington’s disease, anxiety, OCD and schizophrenia.

Serotonin

Serotonin levels are also found to be dysregulated in people with OCD. Serotonin is another common neurotransmitter. Serotonin is responsible for mood regulation, aggression, learning, memory, appetite and sleep. Serotonin is also a chemical messenger to the brain and because of this relationship it is theorized by researchers that when serotonin levels are down, intrusive thoughts are more prevalent. The reverse is true as well, when serotonin levels are higher, intrusive thoughts do not happen as often. This relationship between serotonin and OCD leads doctors to often prescribe SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) to treat OCD symptoms.  

Dopamine

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that plays a large part in the reward regulation in the brain. Specifically in people with OCD, some researchers have suggested repetitive behaviors like compulsions caused by an excess of dopamine. However, other studies argue that dopamine has no relationship with OCD. Since OCD is not fully understood by the psychological community, the neurochemistry behind this disorder is still being heavily researched and in future years, we may have more of a concrete answer. 

Genetics

Various studies on the subject of OCD and genetics seem to suggest that there are strong familial ties to this disorder. If a blood related family member has OCD, there is a strong increase in the likelihood that other close family members will develop it. Researchers are still debating what they believe may be specific genetic codes for OCD, but a singular one has not been determined quite yet. 

Environment

Stress and trauma has been discussed in the research in relation to the development of OCD. However, events such as a traumatic brain injury, pregnancy or bacterial infections can also cause onset or worsening OCD symptoms. These events may have various reasons for the development of OCD. Pregnancy is believed to promote symptoms of OCD because of hormone changes. Bacterial infections can change the basal ganglia which affects routine behaviors. Brain injuries may cause damage to the brain.

What are common symptoms of OCD in adolescents and children?

Children and adolescents of any age can be diagnosed with OCD. Average onset age for OCD is seven years old, however there are cases in which the individual affected by this disorder could be even younger than that. Although children and teens can experience any of the various types of OCD mentioned above, obsessions that are common for children include getting sick or dying, fears of doing something wrong, intrusive thoughts of hurting themselves or someone else and disturbing sexual thoughts. Along with these obsessions, children and teens may experience compulsions that involve checking (locks, ovens, doors, etc.), repeating actions, excessively cleaning, frequent confessing, seeking reassurance and saying lucky words. 

Types of OCD

OCD can look incredibly different for each individual who experiences it. Two people could both have OCD but have none of the same triggers. Since OCD is very individualized, there are many subtypes of the disorder that are categorized by the types of obsessions and compulsions a person has. The common types of OCD are contamination, sexual/gender, religious, harm, relationship, order and magical thinking. These forms of OCD can affect anyone of any age range. 

Contamination 

Fear of contamination can look vastly different for each person with this type of OCD. According to the International OCD Foundation, triggers of contamination OCD can include but are not limited to: 

• bodily excretions (urine, feces)
• bodily fluids (sweat, saliva, mucus, tears, blood, semen, etc)
• Garbage and spoiled foods 
• household chemicals
• Radioactivity and broken glass
• sticky substances
• People who look unwashed
• soap 
• lead
• asbestos
• pets and birds, dead animals 

These obsessions may be very emotionally taxing on an individual and can be set off by seeing the item in question, accidentally touching it, having a memory, a thought or a feeling. The person experiencing contamination OCD, feels as if they themselves are contaminated and must be cleaned. Seeing a certain item may cause a compulsion, such as washing where the individual has to wash their hands 100 times a day or take a shower for long periods of time. 

Sexual/Gender

Previously known as homosexual OCD, sexual and gender OCD pertains to compulsions and obsessive thoughts surrounding sexual and gender orientation. The person experiencing this subtype of OCD may have intrusive thoughts that they are actually in denial of their true sexual or gender orientation or that it could change. This fear in particular could make them believe that major life changes would occur at this discovery such as having to leave their families or ending important relationships. Sexual intrusive thoughts may also include thoughts about sex that are not socially acceptable. For example, thinking about having sex with children or having sex with an animal. These thoughts are not acts that an individual actually wants to commit but cause the person to go into a state of distress because they are having them. 

Religious 

Religious OCD is a subset of OCD that revolves around religion or morality. A major anxiety of those with religious OCD is that their actions will result in them going to hell or that they have committed a sin. A person with religious OCD may feel as if they need to “cleanse themselves” of their immoral actions. A compulsion that someone with religious OCD may have could be repeatedly saying a prayer over and over again because they believe they messed up the first time. Another sign of religious OCD could be questioning every choice such as eating or sleeping as something moral. 

Harm 

Fleeting thoughts of harm to oneself or others can occur in anyone. One day you could be driving over a bridge and think “what if I drove off this bridge right now”, a big difference between this kind of thinking and harm OCD is that people with this type of disorder ruminanance on these thoughts. They think about doing harm to themselves or the people around them and it can cause them immense amounts of internal pain. This can lead the person suffering believing they want to kill themselves, their spouses or their children. When in fact, the reason they are having intrusive thoughts is because that is the complete opposite of what they wish to do, OCD is irrational. 

Relationship 

Having intrusive thoughts about your partner is completely normal for someone with OCD. Thoughts that one experiences can often relate to questioning attraction. A person with relationship OCD may ask themselves questions like, am I attracted to my partner? Do I truly love my partner? If I find someone else attractive, do I not love my partner? This person may also have obsessions surrounding relationship insecurities like not feeling good enough for their partner or questioning if their partner really loves them. 

Order and symmetry 

Symmetry OCD is an extremely common subcategory of this disorder. Individuals often experience intense anxiety regarding symmetry. An example of this may be, needing all the cans to be facing the same way and having to fix things when they are out of order. They may attempt to fix out of order things for hours a day until they get it “right” which can be extremely debilitating for some people. 

Magical Thinking

Magical thinking comes when someone believes that there is a supernatural or magical component to their actions. A person experiencing this may believe that what they do or do not do has a ripple effect to make bad or good things happen like if they do not play a certain song every time they get in the car, they will get into a car accident. Magical thinking acts as a preventative measure and completing the compulsion ensures that what the person is afraid of (someone dying, getting fired, etc.) does not happen. 

How is OCD diagnosed in adolescents and children?

When going through the process of getting an OCD diagnosis, one can expect a licensed professional to conduct a thorough examination of medical history and physical and psychological exams. Scale assessments like the Yale-Brown Obsessive-Compulsive Scale (Y-BOCS) or Children’s Yale-Brown Obsessive-Compulsive Scale (CY-BOCS), are self-reported and easy to complete. Symptoms that would reflect persistent and severe obsessions and compulsions would be needed to diagnose a child with OCD.

 In addition, OCD-related compulsions need to occupy more than one hour a day, disrupting normal daily routines. Children may struggle with being able to identify that their behaviors are related to OCD, whereas adults are often better at being able to separate what is “normal” vs “abnormal” thinking and actions. 

How can OCD be treated in adolescents and children?

OCD treatment can vary based on the severity of symptoms and how they disrupt daily living. However, they usually include the following: types of individual psychotherapy including CBT, ERP, and EMDR, family therapy and medication. Children and adolescents who have OCD may also concurrently have an eating disorder. It is important when talking to a mental health professional to evaluate for both and form a treatment based on your child. 

Psychotherapy

Seeing a therapist is a really helpful tool to help cope with OCD thoughts and compulsive behaviors. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a theoretical approach commonly used to treat those with OCD. CBT aims to develop ways to respond to intrusive thoughts and compulsions ease the anxiety that comes from having them. Verbalizing OCD thoughts and compulsions can also decrease the shame involved in them and allow your child to be more freely accepting of themselves. 

Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy (ERP)

A specific intervention commonly used to treat OCD is exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP) aims to reduce anxiety by exposing individuals to their obsessions in a controlled environment. ERP specifically works well for people who experience contamination OCD. An example of this would be having a client who deals with anxiety in relation to dirt, is working up to the ability to walk outside barefoot without going to take a shower or wash their feet directly after. 

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) 

By using eye movements, Eye-Movement Desensitization and Response (EMDR) has been shown in research to be helpful for OCD. The therapy’s goal is to decrease negative emotions by stimulating various parts of the brain. The therapist will prompt the client’s eye movement while they recall past traumatic memories related to their OCD. 

Medication

There are a few various medications that can be prescribed to treat OCD. Specifically, zoloft and prozac are medications that can be prescribed to children as young as six or seven. These medications aid in boosting serotonin levels, reducing the symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder. Psychotherapy and medication often go together in treatment but you may determine that medication is not the part of the route that you wish to go on with your child and that is completely okay. We recommend you consult a psychiatrist if you think medication could work for your child with OCD. 

Can OCD in adolescents and children be prevented?

No, there are no preventative steps you can take to avoid your child developing OCD. However, getting children treatment for OCD as soon as symptoms become noticeable can help the disorder from disrupting your child’s daily life and activities. 

What Steps Should I Take if I think my adolescent or child has OCD?

The first step in your child’s journey in treating their OCD may be you as their parent, initiating a conversation about it. Having intrusive thoughts and compulsions can be a really scary thing, especially for a child who has no clue what is happening to them. There can also be a lot of shame that comes with this disorder because of the nature of the intrusive thoughts the child may be having, they may not tell you that they are having intrusive thoughts or what the intrusive thoughts are. 

If they do, try to be as non-judgmental as you can and do not push them to talk about what they are not ready for. Instead, try to create a safe space where the child can go at their own pace with discussing and exploring OCD. Another thing that may help with a child is educating them on what OCD is and that it is brought on by our worst anxieties. Your child may even believe that they are a bad person because of their thoughts and it may be helpful to remind them that they are not their thoughts. 

After beginning the conversation, take your child to go see a pediatrician or family doctor to do an initial assessment in order to rule out anything physical that may be affecting your child. If a doctor believes that there are no underlying medical issues, seek future evaluation from a psychiatrist who specializes in treating OCD in children and adolescents. One of the most important things that you can do for a child with OCD is to recognize and start treatment for their symptoms as soon as possible. As people with OCD get older, symptoms worsen and become less manageable. 

How can I help my adolescent or child live with OCD?

Parental support plays an important role in treatment for obsessive compulsive disorder. Making sure your child remains in consistent treatment (whether that is medication or therapy or both) and that they keep all appointments with their healthcare provider. Consulting with the professionals involved in the child’s care such as social workers, counselors and psychiatrists based on what your child needs and the severity of their symptoms. Informing your child’s school about the condition and formulating a treatment plan is an additional support that may be needed. 

As mentioned previously, having an open and non judgemental dialogue with your child about their symptoms is crucial because of the large component that shame plays in OCD. Building a network for your child such as getting them into group therapy or finding them community outlets with other children who are similar to them. All in all, your goal should be to help your child find ways to live with their OCD and what works in assisting them with that. 

What do I do if things escalate?

Like many battling with mental health conditions, individuals who have OCD are at higher risk of suicide and self-harm, which is something that may have to be monitored and recognized as the child gets older. Stressful or traumatic situations may worsen symptoms of OCD, leading individuals to turn to substances like drugs or alcohol to cope. If symptoms are becoming noticeably worse or alarming, here are a few things to do: 

1. Reach out to your child’s treatment provider immediately 
2. Seek help from close family or friends for support and assistance
3. Consider using emergency hotlines for advice and assistance
4. Take your child to the nearest hospital emergency room
5. In life-threatening situations, do not hesitate to call 911

The idea of having a child with OCD can be scary and seem really overwhelming. If your child may be experiencing symptoms, this does not have to be something that you help them through all alone. When you are ready to explore seeking help for your child’s mental health issues related to OCD or have questions about starting the process, feel free to schedule an appointment at The Better You Institute with one of our Philadelphia therapists. Call us today at 267-495-4951 to set up your appointment. 

The post OCD in Adolescents and Children: Symptoms, Diagnosis & Treatment appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Therapy is a powerful tool for anyone looking to improve their emotional well-being and lead a more fulfilling life. It’s not just for those at their lowest or dealing with severe mental illness; therapy is for everyone. It provides a safe, confidential space to explore your thoughts and feelings, offering customized support and coping strategies that friends may not be able to provide. Therapy helps with stress, personal growth, and maintaining mental health.

Affordable options are available, making it accessible to more people.

Why should I go to therapy?

Therapy offers a safe, confidential space to explore and address emotional, psychological, or behavioral challenges. A therapist provides unbiased support, tools, and coping strategies tailored to your unique needs. It can lead to improved mental health, self-awareness, resilience, enhancing relationships and overall well-being. Seeking therapy is a proactive step toward personal growth and a happier, more fulfilling life.

What is therapy actually for?

Therapy can be used to address various issues or concerns, from mental health conditions like anxiety and depression to life challenges, trauma, and relationship difficulties. There is no one size fits all for how therapy can work. You may have asked yourself “How helpful therapy can really be?” Or “I don’t really need it if I’m only a little sad right now?” Certain myths of therapy may have swayed you away from actually engaging in this powerful experience. Continue reading below to learn more about the myths of therapy debunked. 

6 Myths of Therapy

Only crazy people go to therapy 

Have you heard this before? Maybe it was echoed on a television show, a movie, or by a family member during your lifetime. It wasn’t too long ago (early-mid 1900s) that people deemed “crazy” or “mentally ill” were given lobotomies as a form of psychiatric treatment, which we now know was not only extremely harmful but very ineffective. Women experiencing emotional distress, anxiety, or symptoms deemed inexplicable were labeled as “hysterical”. We have an extensive history of resorting to negative and ineffective treatments around being “crazy” and continuing this label and these myths of therapy will just repeat our past instead of supporting effective and helpful treatments.

That being said, thinking only crazy people go to therapy is a very harmful label of a person and a wildly inaccurate representation of therapy. Therapy is a space for everyone and anyone to attend for many reasons or presenting concerns or issues. Although the insurance industry would want you to believe that you need a diagnosis to get treatment, this is simply not true. Therapy can be used for those suffering from depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, or other clinical diagnoses. Therapy can also be used for people who just don’t feel satisfied with life, want more from life, have relational issues, want to learn how to be more assertive, or align themselves with their values better. None of these topics qualify for a clinical diagnosis per say but do render you fit for using therapy as a tool to reach your goals. Indeed, therapy can include an array of topics from depression or anxiety, trauma, grief, social or intimate relationship issues, job stressors, communication skill concerns, wanting to increase self-esteem or confidence, learning to navigate stress better, and so much more. Therapy is not a one-size-fits-all model. 

Therapy is for when you’re at rock bottom 

Many people believe you only go to therapy when you are at your lowest. Unfortunately, this reactive way of looking at therapy is part of a systemic issue within our medical systems driven mostly by money. If you build and maintain a healthy lifestyle and overall well-being, there is no need for medical services, and therefore there is no money. What many people don’t know is that therapy is available for any stage of your life, not just the worst parts of it. In fact, using therapy as a proactive tool to maintain the life you already feel good in or building on it to be the best can have immaculate results for your life! 

Therapy can be a preventative support system to help you learn how to increase helpful coping skills, social support, new ways to sit with your emotions, and so much more. When these skills are worked on in a neutral state in therapy versus just at rock bottom moments, you can learn to process, cope, and ultimately tolerate the events better. Whereas, if you are trying to learn new skills while in a heightened state of arousal and overwhelm, these skills may be harder to establish. Also, it may be more challenging to build a safe and effective relationship with a therapist when you are coming in at your lowest because you may not be in a place to be as open or receptive to helpful treatment. 

Therapy is just talking, and it’s all the same

While talk therapy is one type of therapy, it’s not the only kind, so don’t let the myths of therapy deter you. You may be envisioning a person laying on a couch gushing out all their thoughts and dreams based on Freud’s work, but that’s not what therapy always looks like. Different therapy models and interventions have been around for years and may use variations of talk therapy, somatic therapy (more body-focused), trauma interventions, and more. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is used to help you better understand how your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are connected and ways to help reframe unhelpful thinking patterns. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) can assist with coping with intense emotional distress and increasing healthy interpersonal relationships. With these different models and approaches come activities like having regular take-home assignments to practice, using meditations in sessions, or using physical relaxation techniques. 

I don’t need therapy, I can just talk to my friends 

Friends are so supportive and can offer very real and helpful feedback in many situations. However, friends rarely can pick up on specific patterns, self-talk cycles, or connections and understandings to statistical data that a trained therapist can. A therapist will also work to provide you with a non-judgmental or biased approach in situations where friends may not be able to. And in some cases, you might not feel ready to tell a friend certain things for different reasons but one may be that it’s possible that friend may have trouble keeping it to themselves or holding space for you in the way that you need right now. A therapist is ethically and legally obligated to keep what you say private (with the exception of threats of serious harm to yourself or someone else or danger to a child). Clinicians are trained to set their stuff aside to be able to create safety and hold space for you in whatever you bring into the room with them. Friends may also give you unsolicited advice, where a therapist will approach topics and issues from a trained perspective giving you what you need to learn and grow. 

I’ll have to be in therapy forever 

Therapy will look different for everyone. Therapy is for you to take from it what you want, it doesn’t be forever if you don’t want it to. Some people do stay in therapy long-term because it’s effective for them and their treatment. Others may have shorter-term goals that take a few months only. Some people may return to therapy multiple times in life as they go through new life transitions or have different events happen. There is no one right way of therapy. As you go through therapy, new topics or issues may arise either from your exploration in therapy or different life events. As such, your goals may shift throughout your therapy experience, which can also impact the length of therapy. Your therapist should also be checking in with you on how the sessions are going, where progress is at, and when discharge from treatment may be appropriate. These conversations help both you the client and the therapist, assess how goals and treatment are going, any new needs or goals to be worked on, and highlight growth made. 

Therapy is too expensive 

Therapy is an investment in yourself, much like going to the gym or eating nutritious foods. As stated above, therapy does not have to be a forever investment. However, if you spend the money and time emotionally investing in this process, you will feel better and be able to manage your life easier. Feeling confident, organized, and in tune with yourself is priceless. You will open many doors for yourself just by feeling more balanced and having control of your health and well-being. Think long-term goals with short-term investment. 

Many therapists understand the frustration and difficulty that comes with finding a good therapist that fits your needs. It can be hard to find affordable therapy, but that doesn’t mean it’s unavailable. There are a lot of therapists who provide sliding scale or fee reduction options for clients. Many agencies bring on interns or pre-licensed clinicians who charge less because they are still in training. Yet, these clinicians are heavily supervised, thus giving you two therapists for the price of one! Most agencies will help you navigate the in-network and out of network insurance reimbursement you can receive for treatment as well. Lastly, different non-profit organizations or community mental health agencies also offer lower-fee therapy options. Don’t dismiss your needs or therapy interest without asking providers for options.

Next steps

Now that you have a better understanding of the facts of therapy versus the myths of therapy, take some time to reflect on what you can do next to support yourself. Think about any therapy myths you have heard or learned to believe and start to challenge some of them as you read in this article. Therapy can be a supportive, empowering, reflective, beautiful life changing experience. You deserve that space. If you are interested in learning more about therapy and what we can offer you at The Better You Institute, please call us today at 267-495-4951 to set up an appointment with one of our trained therapists.

Learn more about Caitlin Siekerka ⇒

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You’ve just opened your eyes. It’s still sort of dark out, the sun is just beginning to peek out in the sky. Your bedroom is a little chilly, but you’re safe under the covers. You take a deep breath in, stretch your arms out toward the ceiling, and breathe out. The only thing on your mind is how comfortable and relaxed you feel after a full night of sleep.

For a lot of us, this sounds like a fantasy. We wake to the sound of an alarm, a pet, or traffic. There’s a crick in our neck from spending the previous day at work and there isn’t just one thing on our mind. We may be plagued with thoughts about our partner(s), our parents, our kids, our pets, the news, that crick in our neck, or how much we need a break.

According to the National Sleep Foundation’s 2020 Sleep in America Poll, more than half of Americans report feeling daytime sleepiness 3-7 days per week. This sleepiness comes along with a whole set of emotional and cognitive disturbances including irritability, sadness, and confusion. Not only is this putting individuals at risk, but it’s also a matter of public health. People who struggle with insomnia, are more likely to have work-related accidents than those who sleep well. Over 6,000 fatal car crashes each year are caused by drowsy driving. Clearly, this is an issue worth looking into!

Why Do We Need To Sleep?

Until recently, we knew that we needed sleep but we didn’t know why. Now, thanks to a study conducted by a team of researchers at Boston University, we have a better idea. As we go about our day, our brains are working very hard to keep us going – creating memories, making decisions, etc. There’s a byproduct from this called beta-amyloid which is a sort of plaque that, just like the plaque in our arteries or on our teeth, can build up and become dangerous.

The research from Boston University offers us some hope, though. By observing the brains of sleeping individuals through an fMRI (a big machine that looks at blood flow), the researchers found that during sleep, a fluid called cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) flushes through the brain, washing away that plaque. 

What Sleep Means For Our Wellbeing:

When we’re able to get rejuvenating sleep, we’re able to function with more ease. We all know what it’s like to feel tired: our limbs feel heavier and our minds feel slower. Making decisions takes longer and can feel frustrating when we’re in need of more sleep. Indeed, your access to information or memories takes longer and isn’t as clear when you’re tired. When we’ve given our brain its full dose of CSF, though, we can feel more nimble and confident with our choices.

Sleeping gives your brain a chance to boost its levels of dopamine and norepinephrine, which helps make you feel happy, alert, and attentive. The natural processes in our body such as breathing and digestion don’t take as much effort when we’re well-rested. We are more at ease and capable of handling whatever life may throw at us (e.g., stressful situations, grief and loss, having to change last minute). It also means we have more energy to get through our work, eat a nice meal, and actually enjoy spending time doing hobbies or being with loved ones. Overall, we’re more adaptable and ready to take on life’s challenges.

What May Be Causing Sleep Issues: 

Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dogs? In the late 19th century, a Russian researcher named Ivan Pavlov discovered that by repeatedly ringing a bell and then feeding dogs, eventually the dogs would have a physiological response to the bell even when there was no food present. This seemingly simple experiment led to one of the most important discoveries about behavior: conditioning. Conditioning is the way our bodies and brains learn through repetition. 

Sleep can be a problem for people in a lot of ways. Some of us have difficulty with falling asleep while others struggle to stay asleep. The onset of these difficulties could be because of:

• Stress
  • Work, school, families, relationships, and the world around us contribute to our mental state. Being stressed increases our alertness, making it difficult to slow down and quiet our thoughts. 
• Sleep patterns
  • Irregular habits of sleeping, like naps or different shifts at work, confuse our body’s internal clock. This is called a circadian rhythm, and I’ll address it more below.
• Stimulation
  • Texting, playing video games, watching T.V., or working into the late evening keeps the mind active. The blue light from screens mimics daylight and limits our bodies’ production of melatonin, the hormone that regulates our sleep-wake cycle.
• Bed associations 
  • Using the bed for activities that don’t induce relaxation can make it difficult to rest because the brain has learned to associate that space with activity like work or entertainment.
• Caffeine or substances, especially stimulants such as nicotine 
• Grief and Loss
• Relationships
• Environmental sounds
• Running thoughts/imagination

What Happens When We Don’t Get Sleep: How it Impacts Our Daily Life; Long-Term Issues

Many people find that when their sleep has been disrupted, they are more likely to make more mistakes at work, feel clumsy, and experience difficulty focusing. Our stomachs have a hard time without sleep, too. Because our internal bodily processes take longer when we’re not well-rested, we might feel bloated and uncomfortable when we haven’t had decent shut-eye. We’re also more likely to be irritable and/or short-tempered without enough sleep. This can impact our ability to interact with the people around us. 

Interrupted and inconsistent sleep over a long period of time causes considerable dangers to our physical health, as well. These dangers include hypertension, high cholesterol, an inability to maintain consistent body weight, increased risk for type 2 diabetes, and decreased fertility. These are conditions we’d want to avoid! 

If you’re reading this and thinking the worst, don’t worry! The effects of interrupted and inconsistent rest can be improved over time with improved sleep. Here’s some information on how to do so below.

How to Get Consistent Sleep and Improve Sleep

Our body and brain function in a circadian rhythm. When you sleep train a baby, you are activating their circadian rhythm. It’s not uncommon to get out of whack as you go through life (late-night studying/finishing a project, early morning to catch a flight, late-night feedings, dealing with pets, etc). You may need to retrain your circadian rhythm. We can train our bodies and brains to get used to bedtime (i.e., condition our bodies) by engaging in relaxing activities during the hour or two before we go to sleep. This can include: 

• • Limiting yourself to calm activities prior to trying to fall asleep

    • Having a cup of herbal tea (chamomile is a great choice, stay away from caffeine)
    • Lighting a nice candle/putting a calming essential oil in your diffuser. Lavender is very soothing.
    • Read something that allows your brain to turn off (fiction book vs. work documents)
    • Pray
    • Stretch
    • Listen to calming music or sounds
    • Do a skincare routine
    • Write in your diary or start a gratitude journal
    • Take a bath (be sure you give your body enough time to cool down. Research shows that 67 degrees is the best sleeping temperature.)
    • Meditation is also a great way to connect the body and mind in a state of peace. Check out some of these resources for bedtime meditation techniques:
      • The podcast Sleep Cove. 
      • Spotify has lots of soundscapes available so you can drift off to sleep with the soothing sounds of distant thunderstorms, a sea breeze, or babbling brooks. 
      • There are tons of apps that offer mindfulness exercises to help us relax. A couple of my favorites are Calm and Headspace.
      • Here’s a sample of a basic meditation script (written by Melissa Moon Nikhila) you could try before bed:

• • • • • Start by lying flat on your back with your hands by your side and just let the music wash over you for a few minutes. We are now going to begin by focusing on our breath. I want you to take a deep breath and breath from the deepest part of your body right from your diaphragm and fill your lungs so that you can fill them inflating and causing your stomach to rise and then hold for a few seconds and then slowly ever so slowly let that breath escape through your lips gently letting the air escape. Empty your lungs by blowing the very last drop of air out of the lungs and then just pause for a couple of seconds. Repeat, again slowly filling your lungs and concentrating on inflating your lungs with clean fresh air.   When you can inhale no more air, just hold the air-filled lungs for a few seconds before gently ever so gently letting the air escape. Now repeat these deep breaths at least 5 more times. Ideally, if you can focus on the mechanical exercise of breathing for as long as you can. 

• • • • • • • • Find the full meditation here: https://www.meditatia.com/guided-meditation-sleep.html

Anything that makes you feel comfy-cozy so your brain knows it’s almost time to turn in. 

• Establish a bedtime routine. Remember how we learn through repetition? Repeating a routine at bedtime will teach your mind and body when it’s time to slow down.

  • Do everything in the same order each night. 
    • Get water, go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, pick out your outfit for the next day, do a calming activity with a light on, turn the light off at the same time each night, etc. all in the same order 
  • Get your family or pet on the same schedule and routine to help hold you accountable

• Avoid stimulation

  • If you can avoid using your phone, computer, or television before bedtime, it will be easier to slow down your mind. Try setting a timer on your devices to turn off. Use that as a signal to do an activity listed above. 
  • Devices such as phones or computers sometimes have the option to choose “night mode” which decreases the blue light emitted from the screen. It can be helpful to use this function in the evening, especially if you cannot turn off your devices close to bedtime.
  • Did you know it can take up to twelve hours for the caffeine from a cup of coffee to work its way through the body? That means if you want better rest, the afternoon java boost will probably get in the way. If you need a midday pick-me-up, try a snack with some protein and carbohydrates like hummus on crackers or peanut butter with banana. 
  • Intense conversations may get your mind racing and prevent you from sleeping. If you are able to, limit these types of conversations before bedtime.
  • Reflecting on the things you didn’t do well on that day might stir up anxious feelings. Practicing mindfulness can help reduce these thoughts and the judgment surrounding your thoughts.
  • Avoid reading or listening to the news when it’s time to rest.
  • Try not to work right before you try to sleep. Instead, give yourself at least an hour prior to bedtime that you decompress from work/school-related things.

• Sleep consistently 

  • If your schedule allows, try going to bed and waking up at the same time each day, including weekends. This will help you fall asleep more easily and wake up more refreshed. Studies have shown that if you miss just 1 hour of sleep, you go into sleep debt and it takes at least  4 days to recover. That means sleeping in on the weekend doesn’t actually help with recovering from the workweek. Our bodies rely on consistent routines to maintain the circadian rhythm (an internal cycle that carries out our bodily functions).  Remember that plaque? If our sleep is inconsistent, then our brains won’t be regularly cleaned. 
  • Though ideal, 7-8 hours of sleep isn’t possible for everyone. Consistency, however, is more important than quantity. So even if you’re only getting 5 hours of sleep, as long as it’s the same 5 hours every night, you should be okay.

• Set Boundaries

  • If you can sense an intense conversation coming up with your roommate or sleep partner, set limits on the timing of it or how far it goes.
  • During the week, set limits with yourself that you only go out for happy hour and are home by a certain hour, rather than staying out until late at night and ruining your sleep schedule.
  • Say “no” to projects you know will make you burn the midnight oil and ruin your sleep schedule.
  • Manage your time, which sometimes means saying no to things so that you can prioritize other things (like sleep).

• Bedroom Care

  • Make your bedroom a sanctuary you feel good about sleeping in
    • How does it smell? Like lavender or old gym shorts?
    • Is your cat’s kitty litter in there? Can it be moved somewhere else?
    • Do you have a sidelight that has calming, dim light rather than a bright overhead light?
    • Paint the walls or have artwork that is calming or enjoyable to your eyes
  • Wash your sheets regularly
  • Make your bed so the covers and sheets are comfortable each time you get in
  • Buy comfortable bed accessories: pillows, sheets, comforter, etc.
  • Take the TV out of the bedroom, yes, you read that right! Even if it has a sleep timer!
  • Do not allow animals to sleep in the bed with you if they are disruptive to your sleep
  • Buy blinds or curtains and keep them closed when you are trying to sleep
  • Invest in a sound machine/box fan if you live on a noisy street or are a 3rd shift worker
  • Have an infuser with calming essential oils going prior to you coming in to go to bed
  • Invest in a ceiling fan if you sleep hot
  • Invest in a space heater or heated blanket if you sleep cold
  • Use your bed for sleep only
    • If you have to do work in your bedroom, try to designate a space for the work that is not in your bed
    • Do not eat in bed
    • Do not watch TV (or shows/movies on your computer) or play video games in your bed
  • Buy a clock that is easy to sleep with (e.g., has adjustable brightness, does not tick)
  • Keep it clean/organized so your brain doesn’t feel cluttered when you walk into a cluttered bedroom
  • Have what you need in or on your nightstand or close to your bed (water, chapstick, tissues, chargers, alarm clock, etc.)

• Sleep comfortably

  • As stated above – buy comfortable sleep accessories 
  • Replace your mattress as needed
  • Wear comfortable pajamas
  • Sleep naked (research shows sleeping naked produces the healthiest sleep)
  • Cuddle with your partner
  • Set a boundary with your partner that you want space while you sleep
  • Sleep on the side of the bed that feels right to you
  • Buy a leg pillow to keep your back straight if you’re a side sleeper
  • Sleep on your back, research shows this is the best position for good sleep

• Avoid becoming reliant on melatonin or over-the-counter medication that induces sleep. 

  • One-time uses are fine (think, if you have an exam that you know you’re stressed about and will stay up and ruminate, if you just had an argument with a loved one, if you’re going through a loss, etc.)

• Good sleep starts outside of the bedroom

  • If you’re stressed or have a lot on your mind – 
    • Call a friend and process it
    • Go to therapy
    • Journal
    • Practice mindfulness/meditation
    • Get physical (dance, go to the gym, ride your bike, swim, whatever your body will allow you to do, just move it)
  • Manage your time and organizing your day to allow for you to implement your bedtime and full sleep routine
  • Work on your relationships before 9p
  • Learn the power of “no”
  • Say yes to what makes you happy and brings you joy, rather than those things that you feel obligated to or bring you stress or grief
  • Decrease caffeine or alcohol intake
  • Eat a healthy diet
  • Drink enough water throughout your day (limit how much you drink at night so you’re not waking up in the middle of the night)
  • Limit naps

Mental Health is About Maintenance:

Practicing consistent sleep habits like the ones listed above will help you in the long run, but some of us have done it all and still struggle. It’s not uncommon for people who live with depression or anxiety to lie awake all night wishing to sleep or sleep all day, unable to go about their business. Though difficulties with sleep could be a result of medical concern and should be addressed with your physician, it can also be a part of struggling with your mental health.

We encourage you to become a participant in a sleep study or get evaluated by a physician if you’ve exhausted the above lists to no avail. However, if your sleeping habits are causing distress and you haven’t tried everything, trained psychotherapists can help you to make behavioral adjustments and process experiences that might keep your minds from feeling calm. We are here to help, please reach out at any time to start working toward better sleep. Call us at 267-495-4951, or use the form below!  

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Living with social Anxiety Disorder can be incredibly challenging, but there’s hope. If you or someone you know struggles with the fear of being judged or watched in social situations, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help. CBT addresses negative thoughts, helps you gradually face fears, and builds important social skills, boosting your confidence. Early intervention, especially for children and adolescents, can prevent the disorder from severely impacting life. Don’t let social anxiety hold you back. 

What is Social Anxiety Disorder

Social anxiety derives from a fear of being watched or judged by others. According to the diagnostic manual that therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists use to diagnose their clients, the criteria of Social Anxiety Disorder include fear or anxiety about one or more social situations in which the individual is exposed to possible scrutiny by others. The individual fears anxiety symptoms will be negatively evaluated, leading to rejection. Another criterion is that social situations almost always provoke fear and anxiety. Also, the fear of anxiety leads to avoidance, and the perceived threat exceeds the actual threat. Anxiety occurs in social situations involving peers or adults in children and adolescents. Social anxiety disorder’s physical symptoms include nausea, rapid heart rate, little to no eye contact with others, rigid posture or closed-off stance, avoidance, sweating, and trembling. 

Behavioral Attributes of Social Anxiety Disorder

Individuals with social anxiety disorder are typically reserved when meeting new people, are quiet in groups, and/or are withdrawn in unfamiliar or uncomfortable social settings. When interacting with others, they might show discomfort, such as not making eye contact, but experience intense emotional and physical symptoms. Some physical symptoms include heart racing, sweating, trembling, and trouble concentrating. 

Individuals with SAD often desire interactions with others but avoid social situations due to fear of being viewed negatively. As a result, they avoid speaking in public, expressing their opinions, or even conversing with peers. People with social anxiety disorder often exhibit low self-esteem and high self-criticism. This could result from pressure to succeed from caregivers with little to no positive reinforcement of accomplishments. 

Cognitive Attributes of Social Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder involves heightened monitoring of a perceived external threat, in-situation safety behaviors, event avoidance, and post-event rumination, which can be labeled as self-focused cognitive processes. Self-focused cognitive processes are vital to maintaining anxiety experienced in social and performance situations. Individuals might also analyze another individual’s mental self-representation and correlate it to the audience’s expected standard. Furthermore, individuals may also judge the probability and consequence of negative evaluation. Researchers suggested that socially anxious individuals engage in self-focused cognition before, during, and after social situations.

Social Contexts

Numerous factors can contribute to the onset and symptoms of social anxiety disorder. Two main factors include age and socioeconomic status. Unfortunately, there has not been enough research, yet, that reflects the impact of race on social anxiety disorder. 

Age 

Social anxiety is a disorder that typically originates in adolescence. Longitudinal studies have shown that it is unusual for individuals to develop SAD in early childhood. Instead, in most cases, individuals begin to have symptoms at or close to 13 years old. According to Erik Erikson, the ‘identity vs. confusion’ stage is twelve. In this stage, adolescents begin to form their identity and independence from their caregivers. Early adolescents prioritize their social life, leaving  peer pressure to play a significant role. Adolescents in this stage often want to be accepted by peers, and rejection often leads to low self-esteem. Adolescence is when individuals move from dependence on caregivers to learning how to engage with peers in a manner that will shape their identity. They become more autonomous from their caregivers and reliant instead upon the support and validation of their peer groups. 

A 2007 study compared social anxiety disorders in children and adolescents. The study was conducted with 74 children (ages 7-12) and 76 adolescents (ages 13-17) with a primary diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder. Using interviews, recordings, questionnaires, and checklists, the study involved parental reports and self-reports of the children and adolescents. Adolescents share many features of social anxiety disorder with children but have a more distinct pattern of social dysfunction and might be more functionally impaired. The study also demonstrated that social anxiety disorder is linked to emotional, social, and academic impairment. 

Socioeconomic Status (SES) 

Researchers have found that individuals with social anxiety disorder are more likely to be less educated, unmarried, and of lower socioeconomic status. However, socioeconomic status is not a determining factor of social anxiety disorder. More research needs to be conducted on the impact of socioeconomic status on Social Anxiety disorder to gain a more concrete understanding of how SES impacts SAD.

Applied CBT for Social Anxiety Disorder

Research shows that Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is one of the most beneficial forms of treatment for social anxiety disorder. It helps manage thoughts and physical symptoms associated with social anxiety disorder. More specifically, exposure therapy focusing on directly facing fear has been the most effective in treating SAD. Exposure therapy helps people learn coping skills and realize they can conquer their anxiety over time.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is a short-term, present-oriented approach to psychotherapy that teaches individuals the cognitive and behavioral necessities to function in their interpersonal and intrapersonal settings. The specific treatments within CBT that have been applied to the treatment of Social Anxiety Disorder are cognitive restructuring, exposure, relaxation training, and social skills training. 

Cognitive Restructuring

Individuals with SAD need to examine their thoughts about feared situations and identify the core beliefs and causes. Researchers believe that it arises from false beliefs, otherwise known as cognitive distortions, about the potential dangers that social situations might lead to, pessimistic predictions about the outcomes of these situations, and biased processing of events that transpire during social situations. To best overcome these cognitive distortions, a person must participate in cognitive restructuring. 

There are three different factors that individuals are taught in the cognitive restructuring of cognitive distortions: Identify negative thoughts before, during, and after the anxiety-provoking situation. The second is to evaluate the accuracy of these thoughts. Lastly, individuals must create rational alternative thoughts based on the previous steps. 

Exposure

Exposure techniques aid clients in facing situations that they perceive as fearful. Exposure also helps individuals stay mentally engaged in the natural conditioning processes involved in fear reduction. There are a few different ways one might expose themself to the very thing they are fearful of. One way is seeking psychotherapy, where the client and therapist develop the ‘hierarchy of fear’ charts. The hierarchy chart is a rank-ordered list of anxiety-provoking situations. This chart keeps anxiety in a tolerable range. The client then starts working on the least feared situation and building up to the more complex situations. Clients need to allow themselves to be fully engaged in the feared situation by paying full attention to the details of it, experiencing it thoroughly, and allowing anxiety symptoms to occur. Clients often feel a sense of accomplishment when less fearful situations are achieved. The client’s symptoms and fears gradually subside with imagination, role play, or addressing anxiety-provoking situations outside sessions. 

Relaxation Training 

Relaxation training guides clients through exercises involving different muscle groups. The therapist helps the client learn and practice relaxation during the session and encourages the client to practice them at home. The goal is for clients to notice the difference between tension and relaxation and acknowledge the sensations associated with relaxation, such as positivity or relief. Clients also learn to scan their bodies for muscle tension and release any tension by recalling how those muscles felt when relaxed. Relaxation for social anxiety disorder is typically ineffective unless applied outside sessions when the client feels anxious. Relaxation is effective for adolescents when combined with other forms of treatment, such as exposure. 

Social Skills Training 

Individuals with SAD often exhibit communication deficiencies in social settings, such as poor eye contact and conversation skills. Verbal and nonverbal language difficulties characterize social communication deficits for social purposes. These difficulties can be seen in social interactions, understanding, and pragmatics. These deficiencies invoke adverse reactions from others, which causes social interactions to be anxiety-provoking. Researchers conducted a study with parents of 404 children. Half of the children had Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), and the other half had Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). The parents of these children completed a social communication questionnaire. The data collected from parents was used to compare the kids with social anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. Repetitive, restrictive, and stereotyped behaviors were measured. The study concluded that social communication training would benefit children with social anxiety disorder. 

Social skills training may provide benefits because of the training aspects, the exposure aspects, or the cognitive elements. Common social skills training techniques include therapist modeling, behavioral rehearsal, corrective feedback, social reinforcement, and homework assignments that allow the individual to practice these things in the comforts of their own home. Social skills training may also be easily combined with other techniques, such as cognitive restructuring or exposure. Social skills training is most beneficial for adolescents as it can boost self-esteem and aid them in having the proper communication skills before they reach adulthood. 

Social anxiety disorder, an intense fear of social situations, would be most beneficial when using cognitive behavioral therapy to treat. Some factors contributing to Social Anxiety Disorder are gender, age, and socioeconomic status. Further research should be conducted to determine how social anxiety disorder connects to race. Furthermore, the extent to which social communication deficit impacts adolescents with social anxiety disorder should be researched. The current research stresses the importance of screening or being aware of social anxiety disorder in childhood before reaching adolescence, in which the symptoms and effects can be severe. If you or your adolescent is suffering from a social anxiety disorder, reach out to us today to get help from a trained professional. 267-495-4951.

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It’s normal to have relationship anxiety, especially as you step into a new relationship. “Does she like me?” “Where is this going?” “I hope he feels the same way!” Most couples experience some relationship anxiety at some point. However, beyond normal anxiety within a relationship could be an anxiously attached partner or someone who has an anxious attachment style, which may present bigger obstacles in the relationship. Learning how to help a partner with an anxious attachment can initially seem difficult. Often, couples find ways to navigate this anxious attachment style and stay together.

At the core of an anxiously attached partner is a deep fear of abandonment or loneliness. To help an anxiously attached partner, offer regular reassurance, keep communication open, set clear boundaries, and support their independence while reinforcing your connection. Being patient and participating in these behaviors can help them feel secure in the relationship.

As you navigate a relationship with someone who is anxiously attached, it is important to speak openly about feelings. Both partners should work to hold space for the other without judgment or rejection, which allows more constructive conversations on the topic. 

What is an anxious attachment style?

A very basic description of anxious attachment style is a person who has a lot of worries about their relationship. Due to not feeling secure within the relationship, they seek a lot of validation and attention from their partner. They are usually very sensitive to small things their partners do or say and question their partner’s commitment and their own worth.

These insecurities often stem from their past experiences with parents or other important relationships that might have been inconsistent. Anxiously attached partners are often very thoughtful and caring in the relationship, sometimes overstepping their boundaries and exhausting themselves. 

Has your partner always had an anxious attachment style?

Psychologists continue to believe that a person’s attachment style originates from their connection with their earliest caregivers. To view children’s attachment styles, psychologists examine their reactions when they are separated from and reunited with their primary caretaker.

Children with anxious attachments would cry and cling to their caretaker when they would try to leave and not be able to console themselves. Upon their caretaker’s return, these children would then respond with animosity or apathy. Children with avoidant attachment styles would treat both scenarios with little to no emotional response. 

Finally, children with secure attachment styles would be visibly upset when their caretaker left but could console themselves. Securely attached children would also be filled with joy upon their caretaker’s return. 

Was I born with an anxious attachment style? 

Some research shows that attachment styles are correlated to innate characteristics. Researchers specifically looked at the Big Five Personality traits. For example, it is suggested that a child who experiences certain parenting styles and is higher on neuroticism or agreeableness may develop an anxious attachment style. 

Adults with anxious attachment styles might have experienced caretakers who were inconsistent in attending to their needs during childhood. Sometimes, their caretaker would respond well to their needs, and sometimes, they would ignore them. This unpredictability would create confusion and anxiety about which side of their caretaker they would experience, leading to an anxious understanding of relationships. 

Therefore, the short answer to the question, was I born with an anxious attachment style is yes and no. It’s the classic nature and nurture scenario where you may have been more susceptible to developing anxious attachment to your caretakers due to innate characteristics. 

What does it mean for me in adulthood if I’m anxiously attached?

How does this relate to later life experiences in relationships? Many therapists and psychologists believe that the attachments you received or didn’t receive when you were younger carry onto relationships later in life as a rubric for how you should relate to others or how others will relate to you. Thus, early experiences create your attachment style to others in adulthood.  

Anxious attachment styles may interfere with one’s ability to form healthy romantic relationships and affect other relationships, such as those with friends and family. People with an anxious attachment style are more likely to report experiencing many highs and lows in their relationships, such as being quick to fall in love, jealousy, or obsessive worry over their significant other.

They tend to seek long-term relationships more than most people and struggle to let relationships go even when they logically recognize the relationship is not good for them.

Anxiously attached individuals tend to have a higher tolerance for instability in their relationships and struggle to recognize a healthy one. In fact, they often feel bored when things are stable. 

Additionally, individuals with anxious or avoidant attachments may have higher levels of cortisol, a stress hormone. In high amounts, cortisol contributes to health issues such as high blood pressure, weight gain, extreme fatigue, depression, anxiety, and intestinal problems. 

Talk to one of our professional therapists to learn how to overcome your insecure attachment style and build a more secure attachment style in your relationships.

What does relationship anxiety feel like or look like?

One main characteristic of an anxious attachment style is relationship anxiety. Relationship anxiety is a type of anxiety that is targeted towards relationships, both romantic and platonic. You can experience relationship anxiety even if you do not have an anxious attachment style, though they are highly correlated. Relationship anxiety can cause the relationship to feel unfulfilling and can trigger a lot of pain and worry. 

As stated above, relationship anxiety can exist without having an anxious attachment style. The biggest difference between relationship anxiety stemming from anxious attachment is that the anxiety is much more intense or extreme than those who experience relationship anxiety not stemming from an anxious attachment style. This article will focus on relationship anxiety within the context of an anxious attachment style. 

Signs you have relationship anxiety stemming from an anxious attachment style

When we are in the throws of starting a relationship or in a long-term relationship, deciding to move onto the next phase of the relationship can make it difficult to stay objective when it comes to understanding our behaviors and attachment styles. It’s a good idea to check in now and then to see how you’re dealing with certain romantic situations. What is the cause of certain behaviors, thoughts, and emotions? Is it stemming from attachment wounds getting triggered, thus affirming your anxious attachment style? 

Here is a list of some of the main signs of relationship anxiety stemming from an anxious attachment style:

• You often worry about whether your partner likes/loves you 
  • Even if they have verbally told you they are into you, they like you, they love you 
  • Even if they are consistent with how they show up and they follow through on things within the relationship
• You worry about whether your partner means what they say
  • You tend to think there are underlying meanings to the things they say  
  • You struggle to take things at face value, often questioning everything
• You worry about whether your partner will break up with you
  • Even if there is no evidence that they will do so, or evidence to show that they are committed (e.g., they just proposed, or they are talking in the future)
• Small things your partner does (such as forgetting to text you back) make you excessively anxious about the relationship and your value
• You often get jealous easily when your partner spends time with other people
• You often feel like the future of your relationship is uncertain therefore it is difficult for you to commit to plans
• You try to spend as much time with your partner as possible
  • You would prefer if they did not leave you alone 
  • You become upset when they want to do something separate from you (hang out with their friends, do an activity you don’t like, etc.)
• You ask for frequent reassurance that they like/love you
• You lose sight of the positive things in the relationship and often focus on the bad and how that might impact the future of the relationship

How to talk to your partner about your relationship anxiety

If some of the above sound familiar, well done for being honest with yourself. Acknowledging to yourself that you have relationship anxiety is the first step in getting in front of it. Helping your partner to understand and recognize your anxiety is another way to help you overcome your relationship anxiety. Here are some essential ideas to consider:

• Have an open conversation with your partner about your internal experiences related to your relationship anxiety stemming from anxious attachment
  • Let them know your symptoms
  • Clue them into what happens for you in the moment you get triggered
  • Help them support you through it by being open with your needs
• Communicate your thoughts and needs to feel comforted 
  • Own your attachment style and work to accommodate it to create safety for yourself
  • Tell them if you want them to tell you they love you more often
  • Be direct: make sure they understand what you need instead of assuming they know 
  • Whether you want more quality time with them or words of affirmation, let them know 
  • Let your partner know what you need early on in the relationship so the relationship anxiety does not build-up 
• If your partner has an avoidant attachment style, they may have a hard time understanding your attachment style 
  • An avoidantly attached partner may feel overwhelmed or suffocated by your needs. Try not to personalize this and be understanding that they have their own attachment style and history with their caregivers
  • Discuss the hardships that may come with dating someone with a different attachment style than your own
  • Troubleshoot how to overcome each of these hardships
  • Honor where each of you has come from, recognizing your childhood experiences don’t have to be your adult self’s future
• Challenge yourself to shift out of anxious attachment and become more secure
  • When your partner is attuned to your needs, take a moment to let that permeate you. 
    • How does it feel in your body? 
    • Where does it make your thoughts go? 
    • Does it remind you of anything? 
    • What emotions are you feeling? 
  • Slow down and think about your attachment style and its symptoms before you respond anxiously to your partner. Is how you perceive something based on reality or based on your anxious attachment style?
  • What would your most secure self say, do, think, feel? Can you embody that and see where it takes you? 

How to be there for your partner if they have relationship anxiety

Of course, the roles may be reversed, and you may find yourself recognizing some typical relationship anxiety behaviors in your partner. Here are some helpful things you can do as a partner of someone with relationship anxiety:

• Listen to their needs and concerns 
• Tell them directly and often your positive thoughts and feelings toward them
  • Though an individual with relationship anxiety stemming from an anxious attachment style might be unsure whether you mean the words you say, they also need confirmation that you are there for them and truly like them 
• Be consistent with your attention towards them 
  • Since relationship anxiety typically originates from an inconsistent caregiver, it is important to give them the consistency to show them other types of relationships can exist in the world
• Be patient
• Follow these steps of engagement in this order: 

1. I hear that you’re felling xx OR I am hearing your discomfort with me doing xx 
2. Do you want me to validate and listen more to your experience or do you need me to help you problem solve the issue? 
3. Validate: It makes a lot of sense why you’re feeling xx if you’re seeing me do yy OR It sucks to feel that way, that’s a really tough spot to be in!

Problem solve: [Reassure, set a boundary, and then help solve] I love hanging out with you! I can’t cancel my plans with my friends, but I can come hang out with you afterward. OR I love you very much! I see things a little differently than you do. Are you open to hearing how I’m viewing this situation? It may help you feel better about things. 

1. Sit in the anxious partner’s response, and start the steps over again by making sure they feel heard/seen. 

Possible reasons for relationship anxiety stemming from being anxiously attached.

There are numerous reasons for what causes relationship anxiety. Psychologists and therapists alike genuinely believe that our attachment styles and the symptoms that come from them, such as relationship anxiety, were beneficial coping mechanisms in our childhoods. However, into adulthood, these coping mechanisms become somewhat maladaptive and hinder our adult relationships and our ability to connect to others.   

Some of the following may have a larger part to play in why relationship anxiety exists:

• Infidelity and relationship insecurity 
  • If your current partner has cheated on you or a past partner has cheated on you, it can reaffirm your negative self-image and low sense of Self you developed in childhood from your relationship with your caregivers
  • You won’t feel valued in your relationship, thus unsure of your role leading to anxiety
• Inability to be emotionally vulnerable 
  • It wasn’t safe growing up
  • Past relationships validated it still isn’t safe to be vulnerable
  • Due to an inability to trust yourself, low self-esteem or sense of Self
  • Due to an inability to trust the other person 
  • When we can’t be vulnerable with others, we create inner dialogue that may not be based in reality but instead in anxiety
• Negative view of relationships 
  • If your parents or caretakers had a really negative relationship, this can cause you to be more apprehensive in the relationship
  • Negative thinking and negative thoughts about intimate relationships or romantic partners
  • If you experienced controlling behaviors from your partner in past relationships
• Insecure attachment to parents 
• Low self-esteem or sense of Self
• Other mental health issues

Are you destined to have an anxious attachment style forever?

No! Though attachment styles may seem permanent, you can shift from an anxious attachment style to a more secure attachment. There are many ways you can overcome an anxious attachment style. You are already on your way to changing it simply by reading this blog post. One way is to acknowledge and work to understand your attachment style and the nuances that come with it. 

Another way is to Identify thoughts about the relationship that stems from your attachment style not the current relationship. This reflection will help you change your interactions that result from your attachment style, leading to relationship anxiety. Lastly, you want to be mindful that these narratives and understandings of the world took years to develop. Be patient with yourself as you unlearn or challenge unhelpful understandings and learn or practice ways of thinking, feeling, and acting that are more conducive to the life you want to lead. 

Are you better off without all the anxiety?

The short answer is no. Every relationship comes with its own set of challenges, but these can also be opportunities for growth and deeper connection. If you believe your partner has an anxious relationship style, know that your relationship can thrive with patience, understanding, and consistent effort. 

Ultimately, this level of work, vulnerability, patience, and understanding can lead to a deeper, longer-lasting relationship. It’s a journey that demands attention and care, but together, you can build a bond that is not only resilient but also profoundly rewarding. Stay hopeful and committed to each other, and you’ll find that even the most challenging dynamics can result in a stronger, more loving partnership.

Who can help you?

With the help of a clinician at The Better You Institute, you can learn to develop a secure attachment. Call today to make an appointment for yourself or talk with a couples therapist. Whether you want to come in for individual counseling or you would like to do couples counseling, a clinician on our team can help you face relationship anxiety. 

If talking to a therapist in person is not something you think you can do, we also offer online therapy and counseling for those in the Pennsylvania, Delaware, New Jersey, and Florida areas.

The post Relationship Anxiety: How To Deal with Anxious Attachment Partner appeared first on The Better You Institute.

At The Better You Institute, we believe that understanding your values is key to a happy and balanced life. Values like family, honesty, and success shape who you are and how you feel. By identifying your core values, you can align your actions with what truly matters to you. Take the first step towards a more meaningful life, reflect on what’s important to you and let us support you on this journey. Contact us today for guidance and start living in harmony with your values.

Definition of values

If you look up the definition of values, one of the first statements you will see is “the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.” Keep in mind that everyone’s values will look different. And even if you share the same value, the way you show up in that value may also look different, and that’s okay! This article will help you identify your core values and ways to explore the importance of each value. You will learn to create helpful steps to improve your areas of value and begin to implement ways to align your life with your chosen values and start living your values. 

Our values history

Before we begin making steps to fully connect with our values, it’s important to understand where our learned values and chosen values come from. Learned values are values that tend to be unspoken or implicit and given to us by our close family and friends. These values are unconsciously ingrained in us without questioning them. Chosen values are those that we explicitly seek to incorporate into our lives. We may have learned about these values from media, books, school or work, and consciously thought to ourselves we want them to be a part of our lives in one way or another. 

Learned Values

You may consider your learned values to be more implicit. You hold these values subconsciously without giving them much thought or care. We can trace a lot of our core values we’ve learned to our childhood and early development. Our parents or caregivers likely shared and tried to instill their own set of values onto us. Think about the times in your childhood when you were told to do this thing or that because it’s the “right thing to do,” or because your parents told you so and that it worked for them. 

Sometimes, learned values aren’t spoken. It’s what you witness. How do your parents treat the waitstaff at a restaurant? Does your dad get road rage? When you have big feelings, does your family make space for them or do they minimize them, leaving you with the unspoken message that feelings are unimportant or not valued in your family. Another example is sex education in your school. Did you only learn about sexually transmitted infections, birth control, and pregnancy? If so, then an underlying message you may not have received is sex can be pleasurable. The value of sex for you now may be for procreation only and you may struggle to be present in the bedroom if you’re trying not to get pregnant or get your partner pregnant. 

Our friends and partners have also helped us understand our values through the relationships we share. For instance, if your partner makes it a point to call you each night and ask how your day was and check-in with you, they are telling you a value of theirs is connection through communication and making sure you’re doing okay. 

What are some learned values that you’ve picked up on throughout the years of interacting with different people in your life?

Chosen Values

Our chosen values are more intentional or explicit. You consciously make a choice to lean into these values. As a child, you take in what is given to you without really questioning. By adolescence, you start to challenge rules and push back on limitations put on you. This push back is you starting to figure out if your learned values fit for you. Through this process, and a continuation into young adulthood, you start to choose your values. 

A common chosen value is political or religious beliefs. Most children will happily go to church on Sunday or pray to Allah without thinking about it. However, as you get older, it’s common that you start to wonder why you are going to church or praying and asking yourself is this what I want? If you go away from your parents for college/university, you start to explore even more values that you may not have been exposed to when you lived under your caretaker’s roof. Now, with a bit more freedom, you start to learn what feels true to you.  

Chosen values can be difficult to implement. You may find yourself saying things like “I don’t want to be like my parents in *insert something regarding your caregiver’s mannerisms*” Yet, when push comes to shove you often mirror some of your caretaker’s same ideologies or behaviors. Choosing different values than the ones given to you growing up is a very intentional practice that may take years to master. 

Identifying your core values 

Your core values can be a combination of both learned and chosen values. To identify core values, we have to be reflective and look back through our life to point out the events, people, and memories that influenced or helped shape our core values. Keep in mind both your implicit and explicit values. Implicit values may not stand out to you as easily as explicit values do. Think back to a time when you were the happiest, proudest, and most satisfied, and the choices and paths you followed to get to that place. Try to identify these in your personal life, intimate relationships, friendships, and career. Answering these questions can better help you identify your top values. 

• What was happening at this time?
• What were you feeling at the time?
• What factors contributed to these feelings? 
• What were you proud of?
• Who helped you along the way and shared these feelings/moments with you?
• What was the meaning you assigned to this experience?
• Why did this experience or moment give you such happiness or meaning?
• How did this event impact you?
• If you could categorize this experience, what category would you put it in (e.g., social, familial, job, social justice, religious, etc.)?
• Did you feel connected to yourself? (on the contrary, if the experience informed you of what you don’t value, did you feel disconnected to yourself?)
• What about this experience felt genuine to you? Felt disingenuous to you? 

Some other questions for values exploration:

• Are there family, friends, or other people that you look up to? What do you think are their biggest strengths or qualities? Would you want to model those values?

• Remember that as we grow and change through life, our values may also change or not look the exact same. So we have to be able to check in with our values system at different stages in our life to see how we want these changes to help us align better with our new values or role in life. How are your values the same or different now than when you were 10 years old? 15 years old? 21 years old? 

• Think of behaviors that you dislike or disapprove of in others. How are your values different? How would you behave differently?

• Do your actions align with your values? This could be the difference between learned values (which drive your actions often subconsciously) and chosen values (how you want to act but sometimes feel disappointed in yourself for not living up to a certain value you’ve chosen for yourself). 

• If you think about the larger topics in life, how do they resonate with you and which ones are you drawn to? For instance, based on your upbringing, you may have learned over time that family is not something to value, that it is your friendships you’ve created that are worth valuing. Or maybe your family has been super supportive and you feel a lot of loyalty and connection to your family members. Therefore, you might value time spent with family over time spent with friends. Where do you spend most of your time, energy, and what takes up the most thoughts and feelings? Chances are, these are the things you value the most or find most troubling as they do not align with your values. 

Values List

It can also help to pick your top values from a common values list and ask yourself the above questions to really solidify your top core values. You can then compare and see if you can shorten your list to maybe your main 3-5 values and check in with how you are really applying them to your life. Try picking the top 10 from this list below and doing this exercise:

Ways to explore the importance of each value 

Some helpful ways or questions to identify importance of your values: 

• Rating scale: Place your values on a 1-10 scale and identify the importance of them. It’s okay if they fall on a similar or the same scale but try to see if you can give an honest assessment. This will also help you understand what values to place more intention on. It can also help you see the less important values that you may want to improve on. 

• What do your family or friends highlight or notice about your values? Curiosity about how others perceive you or what they see in you may be a good indicator of your learned values that may be less conscious to you. What others see in you can be a good cue towards the more important values you hold and help you to recognize values you may not see clearly.

• How have your values changed across your stages of life? This isn’t to say we can’t keep our same values, but the significance of them may differ when we’re in childhood versus adulthood. If they have changed, which values are still important and impactful to you? Why are they important? Did something happen? Did you realize the values you once held were adaptive for the time but now maladaptive?

• When going through the list of values from above, how does each one sit with you? Do you feel it in your body? Are you excited, nervous, traumatized? Paying attention to the cues your body and thoughts give you is going to be super helpful in identifying chosen values you want or learned values that no longer serve you. 

Begin to implement ways to align your life with your chosen values 

As we talked about above, it’s important to identify your core values and then determine the importance of each value set. Then using these steps below, you will work on mapping out support steps to improve values and align your life with these values. 

Dr. Russ Harris, a medical practitioner, and world renowned trainer for the therapy model Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (called ACT) created a very helpful values worksheet that aligns with ACT training. The core intent of ACT is to understand your values and align your life with them in order to achieve joy, fulfillment, happiness, and overcome your own personal challenges or blocks in life. Check out this worksheet titled “VALUES WORKSHEET (Adapted from Kelly Wilson’s Valued Living Questionnaire)”. Try to answer these questions honestly as they can better help you determine the importance of values in these life areas below and also how to improve on them. They go over 10 different value areas that include Family relations, Marriage/couples/intimate relations, Parenting, Friendships/social life, Career/employment, Education/personal growth and development, Recreation/fun/leisure, Spirituality ,Citizenship/ environment/ community life, and Health/physical well-being. 

Some questions the worksheet asks you to think about include – 

• What sort of brother/sister, son/daughter, uncle/auntie do you want to be? What personal qualities would you like to bring to those relationships? 
• What sort of qualities would you like to bring to your friendships? If you could be the best friend possible, how would you behave towards your friends?
• What do you value in your work? What would make it more meaningful?
• What do you value about learning, education, training, or personal growth? What new skills would you like to learn?

The worksheet then has you go through a Values Assessment Rating Form that helps you identify the importance of each value and how successfully you have lived this value during the past month. It can give you great insights into how well, or ineffectively, you are using and implementing these values. 

Some steps to follow include:

1. Setting an intention with each of these values. Knowing the importance or rank of them in your life, you can then decide which values hold more immediate value or purpose and ask yourself the following check in questions. 
   • What is my reason for using this value?
   • How does this value serve me and help me? How does it not?
   • If I follow this value today, how will it benefit me tomorrow?
   • How do I want this value to show up in my life?
2.  Recognize how you go through your day to day using these values. Are you allowing genuine time to really engage in this value or are you cramming it into your day to try to make it work?
3. What comes most easily to you vs. what feels like more work? Are these your chosen values or your learned values? Remember, stepping away from learned values and into chosen values can take time and effort. 
4. After you leaned into a value, how did you feel? Does that value seem genuine to you or misplaced? 

Living your values

When thinking about your values, it’s important to also pay attention to how they make you feel. If you notice a discomfort, ask yourself is that because it’s a new value you’re trying to lean into and it’s a bit foreign and therefore uncomfortable or is it uncomfortable because it’s not genuine to who you are? This delineation is important to finding the right values for you. If you’ve tried some of the exercises above and you’re still struggling to feel confident in what your values are, feel free to give us a call at 267-495-4951 to work with a trained psychotherapist that can help you feel grounded in your values. 

Caitlin Siekerka, LPC, a Licensed Professional Counselor in Pennsylvania and New Jersey, is dedicated to guiding individuals on their path to finding meaning and purpose. She uses a compassionate, empathetic approach in therapy, helping clients achieve balance and develop coping skills. Specializing in depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues, bipolar disorder, grief, trauma, life transitions, and substance use, Caitlin offers personalized therapy using techniques like CBT, DBT, and mindfulness. An LGBTQ+ ally, she creates a safe space for growth and exploration in Philadelphia. Caitlin holds a master’s in Counseling Psychology from Rosemont College, continually educating herself to provide the best support.

Learn more about Caitlin Siekerka ⇒

The post Start Identifying and Living Your Values appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Dealing with your parents’ divorce can be challenging at any age, affecting your stress levels, sense of identity, and family dynamics. Adult children may feel pressured to choose sides, manage increased stress, and navigate new family roles. Practicing self-compassion, setting boundaries, and communicating openly can help you cope. Seeking professional support, like therapy, can provide guidance and stability during this difficult time. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help and take time to adjust. Reach out to a therapist today to start your journey toward healing and understanding.

Common Misconceptions for Adult Children of Divorce

A common misconception about divorce with children is that it hits hardest for young kids. When you consider an adult, you might think of an individual whose life and identity are firmly established. Their sense of self is beyond their childhood and family of origin. Society may consider the adult as independent from their family and, therefore, less affected by the consequences of divorce. In actuality, the contrary is true.

Think about how we develop our worldview and the rules of engagement that we participate in. Our parents’ relationship plays a major role in the development of our worldview and these rules. As we get older, our worldview and patterns of interaction become more ingrained in who we are. Now, think about if the central relationship that we used to create these rules deconstructs. Where does that leave us in understanding the world and how to engage in it? It makes us question the rules that were created from that relationship, as well as our entire lens as nothing feels stable anymore.

 The common truth for many, is that adult children of divorce can have identical experiences to young children. However, the divorce may cause different reactions depending on what stage of life the child is in when it occurs. Let us look at how the most common side effects of divorce take its toll on adult children.

Increase in Stress

A common experience with divorce is an increase in conflict. This conflict may create tension, hostility, or even result in abuse. Depending on how this conflict is handled, either in front of the children or behind closed doors, it can impact a child’s stress levels. For adult children who are out of the home, this stress shows up differently. They don’t see the increase in arguments that occur daily leading up to a divorce. Sometimes they hear about it directly from parents, or indirectly through snide comments and ambiguous conversations. Another indicator that something is awry is when their parents feel “off” to them (e.g., not calling as much, being distracted, or desiring more time together).

An adult child could have a variety of responses to this kind of stress. For example, the child may experience a loss of concentration at work or feel a loss of interest in hobbies. They may also be unable to engage in relationships, feel obligated to help their parents, or start fights in their own relationship. Another response could be tension with a parent if the child is trying to remain neutral but senses hostility from the parents. This tension may cause the child to pull away from communicating with their parents, or side with one parent over the other. Thus, this puts the child in a position where they lose the support or connection they once had from both parents.

Choosing a parent

Another phenomenon that accompanies divorce is a sense of choosing a parent in the process. Even if adults live under a separate roof, a sense of betrayal or guilt may be present. Negative divorces often feel like a war between the parents; therefore, an adult child can feel like they have betrayed a parent by choosing to have a relationship with the other. By continuing an existing relationship that has been the norm for their entire lives, it now brings up immense feelings of guilt or shame. The adult child may think they have “chosen sides,” albeit unintentionally.

Pressure to choose may also come from a parent themselves. Thus, creating triangulation of the child into their parent’s divorce, or in other words, involving them in the process. Parents triangulating their adult children may look like withholding money or tuition in return for communication from the ex spouse. It may also manifest as parents who talk poorly about the other parent to the child. This creates an environment that pressures the adult child to participate. Triangulation can lead to significant stress and feelings of being torn between the parents, with little direction for the child.

A family therapist experienced with divorces can help you and your children cope through the divorce process. Child and teen therapy are also a great way to help children cope with their parents divorce.

Re-Meeting Your Parents After Their Divorce

As parents separate, the child now has two independent individuals to foster a relationship with, rather than one parent-child relationship. These individuals come with their own expectations and boundaries for a relationship. Not only do the ex-spouses have to get to know themselves again, but the children must re-meet their parents individually.

It’s common for both parents to adopt roles in the marriage. One may be the stay-at-home caretaker and one may leave for work each day. Maybe both parents were physically present with the children, but one was absentminded while the other had the role of keeping conversation. As parents continue life on their own and try to adjust, these roles are suddenly changed. Perhaps an introverted parent, who relied on their extroverted spouse to engage, is now forced to connect deeper with their children on their own. Maybe a stay-at-home parent who tended to the kids now starts working and socializing with new friends. This ultimately takes away the attention that used to be limitless to their children. These new roles can be a difficult adjustment for everyone involved in the divorce.

While parent-child relationships evolve with age, an unforeseen shift in a parent’s role can be jarring. Those who are navigating adulthood often rely on consistency in their parent figures. Even though the child may adjust to this change, they’ll have to grieve for the parent they knew before. The parent whom they’ve grown to love, depend on, and connect with. Simultaneously, they’ll be resetting expectations for what the new parent has to offer. As an adult child, it can feel like you are meeting a stranger from the very beginning; and when you’re looking at a parent you’ve known for decades, feeling a sense of foreignness can be bewildering.

Dividing Your Time

As divorce finalizes and each parent begins to grow independent lives, family time becomes divided. Holidays and weekends alternate each year so both parents get to spend a holiday with the kids. For adults, some have spent the holidays the same way for decades. Traditions have formed over these years. Now, spending the holiday apart creates a void where feelings of love and celebration usually exist. With that comes an intense sense of grief for lost traditions.

Moreover, one or both parents might start dating. This may require more time alone with their new partner than they can give to their child. For children of divorce, adding new people to the mix (e.g., new partner or partner’s children) can be emotional. Perhaps their new partner may have their own kids that are getting invited to “family” events like holidays and vacations. Suddenly, family time feels like a cocktail hour of smalltalk as these relationships take time to develop, if at all. Additionally, the adult child may become protective of their parent as they already saw the parent get hurt once. Adding new people into the family dynamic can be confusing, and might put duties onto children they never wanted.

Caring for Parents Through the Divorce

After finding a way to split your time as a child of divorce, you face the dread of disappointing one parent in the wake of pleasing another. It’s human nature for a parent to compare relationships that the ex-spouse may share with their child. By sharing these feelings with their child, parents may create responsibilities for the child to ensure both parents feel cared about. This facilitates the process of parentification. Parentification is when children are placed into a “parent” role of caretaking instead of being a kid. This includes soothing the parent and ensuring both parents are emotionally cared for, which is never a child’s job.

Because of age or maturity, adult children may be expected to play an active role in supporting their parents through adversity. Adult parentification can look like serving as a confidant for the parent, helping a parent apartment-search, reorganizing finances after a divorce and so on. Once again, causing the child to own their parents’ distress.

To put it simply, there is no age at which your parents become peers. The parent-child relationship, though it may evolve, is just that: a parent-child relationship. Boundaries must exist to prevent unwarranted, negative impacts such as anxiety, depression, or people-pleasing to name a few. Not to mention, adult children have their own relationships to nurture, friends to please, jobs to do, and partners to make time for. It’s important to prioritize that children, at any age, only grow responsible for themselves and their own children, not their parents.

Being a Mediator

Playing mediator is another common concept when discussing divorce. When considering a mediator, you consider lawyers, police officers, or any professional whose job it is to get involved in disputes. Unfortunately for many children, they become the “mediator” for parents in a nasty divorce. Parents divorcing should seek for professional counseling to help overcome their personal issues and avoid involving too much their children during these tough times.

When parents refuse to communicate with one another, the most convenient way to relay a message is through their shared child. Parents often assume their adult children can handle topics of divorce. This involvement crosses the child’s boundaries by sharing inappropriate information that is meant to stay between the parents. Through this, you can contaminate the child’s perception of their parents. Additionally, this involvement puts the adult child at risk for distress depending on how the other parent responds.

Questioning Your Identity as a Child of Divorce

One of the most surprising aspects to your parents getting divorced, is the toll it takes on your sense of self. Your parents often establish the lens that you live through and base your decisions on. When that lens is put into question, so is your sense of self.

As an adult you spent decades forming your identity on principles established and repeated in the family. For instance, maybe your family had sayings like, “family is the most important,” or “blood is thicker than water.” Imagine the confusion of waking up one day and the mantras you’ve gone by for 20-something years are suddenly in question. Is family the most important? If so, why is mine dissolving? Without my family, as I know it, what do I have now? It is the worldviews we adopt from our families that suddenly don’t make sense anymore; and when your worldview comes into question, you feel lost.

Your Sense of “Home”

In addition to questioning your fundamental principles, there is another loss to be considered as adult children of divorce: your home. This home is where you get to know yourself, where you learn to self-soothe, and where a lot of growth happens. While this happens to almost everyone at some point, the manner in which it happens can play a role.

Losing the house that built you is nearly inevitable. Families move on, either together or apart, to new beginnings that usually include selling the family home. With divorce, selling the home becomes symbolic of the family you lose in the process. This becomes sad in a way that can’t be resolved with the bittersweet notion that this happens to everyone. Granted, the members of your family may still be around, but the sense of family you shared in the home no longer exists. There is a shadow cast upon the memories of that house that you won’t share that dynamic again, even in your family’s new beginnings.

Some say the sense of home is less about where you live and more about who you’re with. This makes sense. But when you’re re-learning who your parents are, and your home is taken away, what sense of stability is left? This question leaves individuals feeling like they’ve lost their foundation, a place often visited when the world feels unsafe.

Shift in Family Dynamics

As the family heals and relationships are rebuilt, there is a shift in the family dynamic to be prepared for. Parents or children create new boundaries that are unfamiliar and create a new feel to the family. This new dynamic may require old behaviors to die out and new behaviors to develop, which requires an abundance of patience.

For example, as parents move out of the home, the remaining parent creates new rules. If an antagonistic parent moves out, there is more room for peace in the home. The new found peace may be foreign to adult children and the other parent alike. If parents find new partners, there are different personalities to interact with. This either creates room for a tense dynamic or beautiful new connection for the kids.

While this all may be very overwhelming in the beginning, this shift in dynamic will become the new normal. As members adjust, hopefully it will allow for new memories and relationships to be created. Alternatively, this shift can be too uncomfortable for children, and may drive them to take space from the family.

Relationship Anxiety as an Adult

One of the longest lingering effects from divorce is how it impacts a child’s view of relationships. Our parents’ relationships are the first model for kids to base their expectations of love on. The nature of the divorce can greatly influence a child’s prediction for what’s in store for themselves.

Those who are blindsided by their parents’ divorce become confused about what can help a marriage last if their parents didn’t. This may look like a newlywed suddenly doubtful whether her young marriage has built the foundation necessary to withstand conflict. She may become excessively worried about whether she and her partner were thorough in determining compatibility. Ultimately, creating an anxiety that didn’t exist before learning about her parents’ divorce.

 On the other hand, individuals who witnessed abusive marriages go on to learn that this is how a relationship is supposed to be. They repeat those abusive patterns in their own relationship. It’s not until their parents get divorced, and they witness an end to the abuse, that they realize they have picked up harmful patterns. Comparatively, it may take a lot of work from their current partner to show adult children what is healthy and unhealthy in a relationship. Whatever type of relationship two spouses share, that relationship serves as a template for children to compare to.

Feelings of Relief

In contrast to what we’ve discussed so far, it’s important to consider children who desire their parents to split. It’s common for children to ask their parents for divorce when surrounded by fights, hostility, and abuse. This can either be a heat of the moment response, or an enduring wish of the child finally coming to fruition. If parents fulfill this desire, the child may be met with feelings of relief. Or, they can be met with confusion to find they are actually sad their parents are divorcing; conflicting feelings are normal.

While adult children may or may not experience the changes at home, relationships with each parent may improve from the divorce. They may learn things they have in common together, and children may find that they enjoy spending one on one time with their parents. Experiencing an improvement in these relationships could teach the child that relationships are capable of positive change, even after decades of a pattern. Comparatively, adult children may have always wished their parents divorced, but learn that it’s not what they expected. They may see a parent less than the other, or suffer a strained relationship from the stress of divorce. This could leave them feeling regret wishing for the divorce in the first place, or grief for the way things were before, as mentioned above.

How to Deal with Divorced Parents and Navigate Your Parent’s Divorce

Self-Compassion

After reading this blog, if you feel like any of these topics relate to you, stop and take a moment to practice self-compassion. As threaded throughout this article, divorce is a painful experience for so many individuals. No member of the family is exempt from feeling the effects of a marriage disintegrating. Adulthood does not come with a guide for how to navigate a crack in your foundation, and your parents’ marriage helped to build that foundation. Allow yourself time to adjust and grieve your family as you knew it.

Communication

A helpful skill to strengthen during your parents’ divorce is how to communicate about the situation. If you find the topic of your parents’ divorce painful and anxiety producing, express that. Divorce can be a very isolating experience, and communicating with others about how you feel can offer relief if other family members feel the same way. Additionally, connecting with those who can empathize in your experience can provide a sense of comradery in the situation. Don’t be afraid to share your experience in hopes that someone can relate. Furthermore, if you find that the topic of divorce is a trigger for you, adapt your language to meet your needs. Ask others around you to filter your conversations if it’s something you don’t wish to talk about.

Boundaries

Boundaries will likely be the most important tool for every member of the family during a divorce. They allow each individual to process and go through the divorce at their own pace, using their own language. By respecting each other’s boundaries, you create room for growth in this time of change. If you find yourself triggered by conversations of divorce, take that topic of discussion off the table. At no age are you required to hear about why your parents split or whose fault it was, if any.

If your parent continuously brings up details of the divorce, a boundary would look like saying,

“I’m not comfortable discussing the details between you and (other parent), can we talk about something else?”

 If that parent decides to continue with the discussion regardless of your boundary you can respond with,

“I’m unable to continue this conversation as long as it’s about […]  divorce”

 Remove yourself from the conversation until that parent understands what you’re comfortable talking about and what you’re not.

Adults are often expected to understand the failing of a relationship and therefore, withstand the details of a divorce. Your parents’ divorce is not just any relationship ending- it is one of the most impactful relationships to you. You deserve to be guarded from hurtful information that may alter your perception of your parents or love.

Separate Yourself from your Behaviors in Response to the Divorce

Sometimes divorce can create reactions in people that they don’t recognize. Once a person who was always confident in their relationship, now questions their partners’ intentions. Separating yourself from this behavior would look like,

“I feel doubt about the intentions of my partner after losing trust in my parents’ relationship” rather than “I’m distrusting of my partner.”

For someone who never experienced anxiety, and is suddenly worrying excessively about what life-altering event is coming next, separating those behaviors looks like saying,

“I feel anxiety about the future because my foundation was shaken” rather than “I’m an anxious wreck”

Separating yourself from your behaviors can empower you to feel more control over them. These reactions are normal in response to an impact like divorce, and they don’t need to define you as a person, especially during the healing process.

Seek Therapy to Cope with Your Parents’ Divorce

    
Divorce is such an intricate process when it comes to an entire family- don’t hesitate to seek therapy in order to avoid self destructive behavior maintain an healthy relationship with your divorced parents. Therapy can allow children to understand their parents divorce in a way that’s meaningful to them; Whether they wish to empathize with their parents, understand their own emotions around it, or find a way to move on from it.

If you feel you may need additional guidance to navigate this massive change, individual therapy can do wonders to help you re-solidify your foundation and strengthen your own identity.  Individual therapy can also provide insight to patterns you may have picked up on in the process of your parents’ separation that are no longer serving you as an adult. After experiencing so much change and complex loss, it makes sense why you may feel the need to be grounded once again. There are professionals who are trained to help you do that.

Conclusion

Parents divorcing is an unfortunately common experience for many individuals! The thought of this doesn’t make it any less painful, regardless of age. With the proper tools put in place, this wound can heal over time. Until then, be mindful of the expectations you set for yourself as you navigate the impact of your family changing, and reach out to someone if you need extra support in the process.

If you would like more help navigating the grief, confusion, and anxiety of your parents’ divorce, or if you have questions on this topic or are looking for more support, please reach out to one of our trained therapists at The Better You Institute. Call us at 267-495-4951.

Brianna Intili, MA, NCC, is a Professional Counselor and Director of Professional Development specializing in mindfulness-based approaches to help clients find peace in adversity. Focused on empathetic, judgment-free counseling, she empowers individuals to overcome challenges like mood disorders, low self-esteem, and life transitions. With a BS in Psychology from James Madison University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marymount University, Brianna combines cognitive techniques and a holistic view for a fulfilling life.

Learn more about Brianna Intili ⇒

The post How to Deal with your Parents’ Divorce appeared first on The Better You Institute.

If you often put others before yourself and feel guilty or resentful, we can help you. In this article we explain how pleasing people, often rooted in childhood, can negatively impact your well-being. Learn to prioritize yourself without sacrificing your ability to care for others. Discover practical strategies to recognize and change these habits, set healthy boundaries, practice self-care, and go to therapy. Start your journey towards a healthier balance today by reading on and transforming your approach to relationships and self-care.

What is people pleasing? 

Many of us understand people pleasing as putting others first while usually overextending ourselves, and our time, to others. This runs deeper than just letting a friend go ahead of us in line, or taking on an extra 10 minutes to spend time with a family member. When we people please, we are in one way or another, invalidating and telling ourselves that we don’t matter, or at least not as much as others. We may find it hard to attend and commit to our self-care and boundaries. We begin sacrificing our own time and space to be at the beckoning call for others. We may be more agreeable to do for others. Or we may find ourselves holding in our own need for expression out of what we deem as courtesy to the other person (not wanting to burden them or take up too much space in the conversation when they’re having issues). 

Childhood impact:

Our childhood holds many key meanings and understandings to our learned or modeled character traits and our helpful or unhelpful built habits. As we develop in childhood, some of the ways our parents or caregivers showed up and responded to us may have set the stage for a people pleasing role. It is one sign of being raised by narcissists. More so, if our caregivers weren’t showing up or responding to us because this creates mixed understandings of care and love and may have begun the people pleasing role. 

If our feelings or actions were shut down (examples: “stop crying, you’re okay,” “why are you sad, don’t be sad,” “stop being so loud, we’re in public,”) or when we had emotions or needs, our caretakers made it about themselves (examples: “why are you doing this to me?!” “I don’t have time for this right now.”), we may in turn have looked to others for approval. Or we may have learned from our parents responses or lack thereof, that our needs are less important than them, or others. Taking on the understanding or narrative that your needs or feelings are less important, smaller, or a burden are due to the internalized belief that to gain approval, love, or to be a good person, is to put others ahead of us. People pleasing through the childhood lens usually stems from a combination of how the family/caretaker responded to the child and set a precedence for the people pleasing habits to develop.  

• Poor boundaries – Needs not being met or respected
• Poor communication 
• Being put in the “mediator role” – Think of a family fight and the parents or family members ask you to pick sides. 
• Invalidation – Showing lack of care or support for the child. “That didn’t really happen,” “Get over it,” “My feelings/choices/beliefs mean or matter more than yours,” “because I said so, that’s why,” “because I’m the parent and you’re the child.” 
• Parentification at a young age – When a child assumes the role of the parent and takes on age inappropriate demands or tasks at the request of the parent. This can lead to the belief that you have to give up your role and take on a role for someone else. 
• Limited expression of self 
• Overextension of helping others – Parents constantly have you doing tasks for others and highlighting that others need to come first
• Intergenerational trauma – Depending on trauma history, people pleasing traits may be passed down through generations 

Some questions here to ask yourself are – 

• What roles did your caretakers play in showing up for you?
• How was empathy and being there for others modeled to you?
• Were you able to set boundaries for yourself?
• How did your parents, family, and friends respond to your needs and boundaries?
• If your own needs or feelings were shut down, how did you respond? 
• What was the balance or understanding you learned of how to put yourself first and still show up for others? 
• Did you get more praise for doing things for others and limited praise for taking time for yourself?

How people pleasing serves us:

People pleasing isn’t always a bad thing, we just want to make sure it’s not devaluing our own needs and care. Our brains and bodies tend to be very efficient and not want to do anything extra. That said, our brain took on protective measures of people pleasing to avoid something else that it deemed as more difficult or challenging at one time or another. Therefore, in some ways, this role has served us. Maybe it protected us when things got to be too much? Maybe it helped us detach or distract by putting our focus and energy into helping others? Maybe it amplified our service to show up for others? Here are some ways this role served us:

• Helped us keep the peace or stay protected in certain situations 
  • Parents with mental health issues can take up a lot of emotional space. Children learn to make it through the day without getting their parent angry and having outbursts or the parent completely shutting down and not feeding them dinner. The child learns that they should keep their emotions to themselves so as to not trigger their parent. Thus, putting their parent’s mental health and emotional needs before their own. 
  • Your family tends to make you the brunt end of their jokes. If you fought back, they’d get meaner. Over time, you learned to take their jokes with stride as that felt better than getting vulnerable with your needs and them shutting those needs down. You may have even started to believe some of their jokes and taken them on as your identity “you’re the emotional one, you’re the fat one, you’re the dumb one.. in your family.” Thus, you connected and fit in with your family and avoided negative feelings caused by their rejection. 
• Kept others in our circle 
  • If I keep doing this for others they will stick around and I won’t be alone. Think: paying for meals, always being the driver to events, saying yes to things you don’t want to say yes to, etc.
• Helped us be good caretakers to others
  • You learned early on to care for others- cooked dinner for your siblings because mom was working late, checked in on dad when mom berated him in front of his coworkers at the picnic, comforted your sister when mom bullied her – all of this helped you feel comfortable in a caretaking role
• Amplified our empathy for others
  •  By experiencing hardships in your life (alcholic mother, absent dad, death of loved ones, sexual trauma, bipolar sibling, etc.) your worldview becomes shaped by these traumas. You learn early on that people have a backstory because you have a backstory. You tend to be able to read between the lines or sense things in others better than they can articulate it themselves sometimes because that’s what you had to do growing up. 

• Gave us more money or opportunity
• People pleasers tend to not rock the boat, keep their head down and do what they are told. Peers may refer to you as a brown noser but this gets noticed by bosses or teachers. 

However, you can caretake to a fault or have too much empathy that it blinds you to seeing things as they really are. 

How it negatively impacts us:

It’s important to notice the red flags that can come from people pleasing. Some examples include:

• Trouble saying no or setting boundaries
• Resentment for others for not caring or not returning the same intention we showed
• Passive Aggressive tendencies
• Guilt and shame. This can have a multitude of layers. Some reasons for guilt and shame can include:
  • Blaming ourselves for getting treated poorly. 
  • Thinking we are undeserving of others’ doing anything for us or sacrificing their time. 
  • Upset for not liking what we did but feeling like we had to do it anyway
• Ignoring or minimizing our own needs or feelings
• Experiencing physical pain if doing too much or feeling stressed or overextended
• Poor sleep
• Low energy 
• Follow along or help even if we disagree or it goes against our values 
• Feeling shame of not being there for others
• Racing thoughts
• Exacerbated fear of people leaving if we don’t do the task or show up for them 
• Difficulty asking for what we need
• Difficulty accepting help when offered
• Consumed with thoughts of how others perceived us
• Constantly regretting something we said out of fear for how the other person may have felt or thought
• Anxious attachment style

Identifying our people-pleaser actions: 

• Poor time management and personal boundaries. This can include:
  • Ignoring or stopping everything you want to do to appease the other person
  • Overextending your time to help others
  • Never saying no
  • Always saying yes
• Needing to be the “hero” or “mediator” for validation
• Lacking in self care 
• Not filling our needs (hunger, self-care, family planning, etc)
• Being overly agreeable 
• Falling behind in our own activities because we are focused on others

While we may now be more aware of how some of these traits serve us both positively and negatively, we want to begin shifting the negative aspects of this to increase our own sense of self and balance our people pleasing and self-serving roles. Like any changes we make, this will take some time to adjust to, especially if these habits have been ingrained since childhood or with us for a long time. By acknowledging the impact this people pleaser role has on you, you are already taking the first step in awareness and can begin to take the next step in taking action. Similarly to the difficulty of making these changes, there may also be difficulty in how others respond or handle these changes. It’s likely that your shift will create change in other peoples lives, given the ways you have been showing up and doing for them and keeping them in a comfortable habit of knowing these things will continue to happen. But in your shifts you will no longer be serving others in this same way, and that may come with increased frustration and push back including disrespect or anger for the new boundaries you set, guilt tripping, or those people leaving you. Try to stay focused on yourself during this change and remember that we can’t be the hero for everyone. By following some of the steps below you can begin to change these unhelpful habits and create new healthy outlooks, relationships, and experiences for yourself and with those around you. 

Ways to shift role from people-pleaser to ‘you first’ mode

Understand that we can’t please everyone. It’s unrealistic and not good for anyone. If you’re not at 100%, how can you possibly give 100%. You can’t. What we can do is begin to recognize and learn about our own people pleasing habits, where they came from, and how they affect us so we can start making shifts to a better balance of meeting our needs versus others’ needs. Below are some tools and steps to begin to practice so you can start making some of these changes to be your best support and model. 

Personal Exploration Tools:

• Begin to notice and acknowledge your people-pleaser traits and actions 
  • Am I overly eager to jump in and help someone else
  • Do I put others’ needs before my own
  • Do I often feel like a burden when I have needs
  • Do I struggle to ask for help and accept it when given to me
  • Am I constantly wondering what other people are thinking
• How do your people pleasing tendencies serve you or affect you
  • I climbed the corporate ladder
  • My children are happy
  • I’m exhausted all of the time
  • I become irritated quickly
  • People come to me with their problems
• Gain awareness of the automatic thoughts or responses you usually have
  • You say yes before you think about what saying yes actually means for you
  • Your thoughts tend to be about other people
  • Your feelings tend to be resentment, anger, stressed, or exhausted
  • Your idea of “me time” is sneaking away for a shower or going to the grocery store
• Recognize where this trait, thought, feeling, or action is coming from (likely childhood or certain triggers from big events in your life (shame of not doing enough, fear of people leaving, etc) 
• Sit in these emotions and process them

Actions to Overcome People Pleasing

• Check in with how often you are doing things for you and begin to implement at least 1 self care activity in your day
  • Journal
  • Get a massage, pedicure/manicure, facial, etc.
  • Go the gym
  • Read
  • Take a bath
  • Watch sports
  • Take 5 extra minutes in the car before you come inside after your commute
  • Go for a walk
  • Stretch
• Work to connect with what’s really important to you, engage in things you value
  • This may mean saying no to something you don’t find interesting
  • What hobbies have you given up because “life felt too busy”
• Miss a work deadline or two because you want to make it to your child’s soccer game or piano recital
• Use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) thought reframing to challenge self-talk and negative thinking patterns 
• Validate and self sooth 
• Talk to trusted friends or family about this and begin sharing your boundary intentions (Example: “I can no longer be available 24/7 because I need time for my own care.”)
• Use daily mantras or affirmations (Example: “I’m allowed to say no.” “I can put myself first.”)
• Seek therapy to explore patterns and coping further 
• Celebrate progress 
• Accept setbacks (they’re a part of the process)
• Understand that high stress times (interacting with the family member that played a role in you creating these people pleasing tendencies) will challenge you to stick to your new way of interacting versus old tendencies

You don’t have to continue to stay in the people pleasing role and it’s (mostly) exhausting impacts. If you are interested in exploring these people pleasing habits and ways to shift or cope with them further, give us a call to work with a trained therapist at The Better You Institute at 267-495-4951.

Learn more about Caitlin Siekerka ⇒

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Intergenerational patterns influence how we see ourselves and relate to others, often without us realizing it. These patterns, passed down through generations, can either help us succeed or hold us back. Understanding and changing these patterns can improve our relationships and overall happiness.

If you want to break free from negative cycles and build healthier relationships, therapy can help. 

The Creation of Rules

People create rules to help them optimize and adapt to changes that happen in daily life. On a small scale, think about a person’s morning commute with traffic along the usual route traveled. “I will take this (other) route for the next month until they finish this construction.” Often, changes in rules and expectations in life make our lives easier. You can observe the rules you use to adapt and optimize life within your interactions with other people! Just thinking about who you avoid or try to get closer to every day can show you that we all have rules that we follow, even if they are implicit (i.e., unspoken or rather “just understood”) rules.

Often, we create these implicit rules without giving them any additional thought. When did you established these rules? What caused you to develop these rules? Are these rules are actually helpful? These questions are the basis of the intentionality of treatment in therapy! Frequently, clients will arrive at a first session with problems or concerns that they are noticing that are impacting their lives. After several sessions, the treatment usually shifts to talking about a client when they were a child growing up. Why would this be important?

Learning the Rules

Unbeknownst to most people, many patterns or “rules of engagement” are developed as children. For instance, think of very young children. They learn the “rules” of what they can and cannot do from a very early age. This process of learning the rules about themselves, others, and the world around them extends to the family and environment in which a child grows up. These rules can be simple. An example of a simple rule is: “Do not cross the street without looking both ways!” “A child learning to put their needs second to their depressed, alcoholic parent’s needs” is a more complex rule.

Family Patterns

As you can see, families are the primary place of learning for children as they grow up. Schools or daycares can also significantly influence a child’s life, but the home is the primary place for learning the core of attachment, loyalty, and value systems. You can probably see how healthy families can lead to healthy rules. These rules can influence the child’s sense of Self, others, and the world around them. Unfortunately, if you are reading this article, you likely have noticed that your rules might not be the healthiest. Can you think of rules you may have grown up with that you are now passing down to your children? Or, what about rules that you are trying to break out of now? 

If you can imagine how teaching children rules can impact them, then you are starting to understand “Systems Theory.” Families or other systems the child interacts with (e.g., daycare) teach children skills to help them in the world. These skills are later passed down from one generation to the next either explicitly or implicitly.  An example of an explicit skill can be “I am going to teach you how to do your taxes today.” An example of an implicit skill could be a child “staying strong” for a parent going through a hard time. Here is where you get the concept of intergenerational patterns. 

Understanding Intergenerational patterns

Imagine this process of gaining skills as a child (from your caregivers), using them successfully, having children, and then teaching your children these skills. Then have this process repeat through several generations. This process is a recipe for success for families if the skills learned and passed down to the next generation are adaptive. These skills produce successful children in school/trades, relationships with others (i.e., friendships and romantic relationships), and working with others in a career. One way to view success is how well a person can form and keep relationships with others.

The above is a summarized black-and-white description of patterns we can observe through generations. Obviously, people, and life, are more complicated than this! Many variables and events outside of our control impact people. These variables can change how people adapt (and make new implicit rules). They can also later teach others (children, friends, coworkers, or strangers) once they have adapted the skills. 

Maladaptive Intergenerational Patterns

Some variables or events that affect people come in the form of adversity. Examples of hardship are death, abandonment, sickness, eviction, divorce, violence, moving, the threat of violence, abuse, neglect, or injury. And that was not an exhaustive list! These examples demonstrate events that can impact a family’s life in ways that we cannot predict. 

Adaptation Versus Rules

These adversities are not maladaptive as we cannot control them. Instead, our response to adversity can become maladaptive or adaptive. First, the family must adapt to an introduction to the family system of trauma, tragedy, and hardship. Within adaptation, families make new rules. These new rules impact the relationships within the home. The rules may develop subconsciously, without the family even aware of the small shifts occurring. 

Rules Becoming Intergenerational Patterns

Frequently, generations of tragedy, trauma, and hardship impact people and their families. However, sometimes the patterns passed down aren’t as blatant as a family tragedy. Sometimes, the pattern is less noticeable, like a family’s inability to emotionally regulate and using only anger to express themselves. We can observe other examples of possible intergenerational patterns impacting a family through a child having extreme difficulties in school with behavior problems with their peers. A second example could be an adult having issues keeping a job or consistent friends. 

A final example could be a consistently “unlucky in love” person. This person seems to keep dating the wrong types of people. It could be easy to think of the previous examples as individual personal problems or the impact of tragedies on a single person alone. In some cases, this is correct. However, in other cases, things are more complicated. Looking into family dynamics and patterns through generations (through a family tree or genogram), you can see that there are patterns of adversity and maladaptive responses that have followed the family. These intergenerational patterns can show two truths. One truth is that not all learned patterns are healthy. Another truth is that these patterns are not creating success for family members in different domains in their lives.

Motivation for Change

Sometimes, no one in the family stops to think about changes being made to themselves or their family. The impact of not stopping could have implications on the next generation. You might be the first person in your family to actively take steps to change your intergenerational learned patterns. In order to improve how you interact with other people, it takes a lot of courage!

Why Is Thinking about Intergenerational Patterns Important?

Let us pretend that you were thinking about intergenerational patterns and their possible implications. Describing these potential implications could help you explore your possible patterns with greater intentionality.

Intergenerational Patterns: Children

If you have ever been around children, you will know that they are “fascinating sponges.” The intersection of their growing personalities, their natural temperaments, their pure curiosity for the world, and how quickly they begin picking up and revealing truths about who is raising them is quite the process to watch unfold. 

If you have children, you may see your children doing something and say, “that is definitely their (other) parent.” However, other times you may see yourself or even your parents in your children’s actions. Parents always hope that their children pick up their good qualities. Unfortunately, children are sponges, and they pick up on our more desirable and less desirable traits. You might even see yourself doing things your parents did for you growing up with your children. You may never want to do those things with your children. It might be time to think about intergenerational patterns that you have picked up from your childhood. No matter how old your children get, it is not too late to make changes that can positively impact your relationship with your children and what skills your children can learn from you to adapt to their own lives.

If you plan to raise children someday, it is helpful to think about your childhood and what changes you can make to better your children’s future. However, hoping for these changes alone is usually not effective. Instead, you must dive deep and make the changes you seek:

1. It is essential to understand your unmet needs.
2. Work to heal from the trauma of not receiving what you needed.
3. Practice gaining skills to meet the needs of your children.

We can only parent our children as well as we re-parent ourselves. 

Intergenerational Patterns: Family Relationships 

Even if you have no interest in having or raising children, you come from a family. If you have conflictual family relationships, there is probably a history of where that conflict started. Understanding intergenerational patterns can help you understand how to break those unhelpful patterns and improve your family relationships. By no means are we are excusing your father’s anger or mother’s neglect, for example. However, empathy and compassion feel more manageable than resentment. By becoming introspective about the potential patterns that have impacted your family, you will feel better and have a more precise direction in life. 

Intergenerational Patterns: Friendships

Do you have issues with friendships? We encourage you to turn inward to see how you make, maintain, or keep friendships. Friendship conflicts could be a product of trauma from previous relationships/friendships. On the other hand, it could also be a product of your attachment styles and patterns. These conflicts could originate from your relationships with your parents/caregivers growing up. Additionally, the conflicts could be from what was not modeled for you by your caregivers. If the latter seems true, you must understand and work with the intergenerational patterns you adopted. It can help to improve your friendships!

Intergenerational Patterns: Romantic relationships

Have you found yourself dating the same type of person, or is the relationship’s ending frequently bad? Understanding who you are attracted to and why could include a discussion around intergenerational patterns. For example, you might assign the attraction towards a potential mate as their “carefreeness” or their “drive.” However, these qualities are likely adversities they’ve adapted to within their family system and are now rules for engagement. 

For instance, that carefree persona you loved so much in the beginning now feels like conflict avoidance later in the relationship when you constantly feel shut out by your partner. If you dive deep into your own need for adaptations, you find carefree to be attractive. This could be because you grew up in a rigid, overly structured home. However, as the relationship progresses, you find your partner shutting you out due to their aversions to conflict. This could feel similar to your parents not having the capacity to make space for your needs as a child!

See how your relationship with your partner mirrors parts of your relationship with your caregivers, which their caregivers can heavily influence. Of course, this mirroring isn’t accurate for everyone and isn’t all of your relationships. For example, continued unfulfilling patterns within romantic relationships could have other origins. These patterns could result from the impact of trauma in the past and be separate from your family. However, how your family supported you through that trauma or how you viewed the trauma could be an intergenerational pattern. Family support could determine if it was helpful or unhelpful in helping you recover from the trauma.

Intergenerational Patterns: Workplace Habits

Are you finding yourself having difficulties keeping or maintaining a job/career? Are there frequent conflicts with coworkers or clients that feel similar? Does it seem like problems come for you no matter where you go to work? If any of these are true, it sounds like you are stuck in a maladaptive intergenerational pattern. Those conflicts may make going to work something you wake up to every morning with dread. If you are experiencing repeating issues at work, it might be helpful to look into your attachment patterns and styles that could have developed from intergenerational patterns or trauma.

Doing the Work in Therapy

Background Information

If you are still interested in learning about what it would look like to work on intergenerational patterns in therapy, good! This section will help to give you a better understanding. There are differences in what the therapeutic work would look like in individual, couples/parents, and family therapy. For this reason, I will briefly discuss them to understand the differences. No matter who is involved in treatment, a history of presenting problems needs to be understood. This will occur at the beginning of treatment. A history is taken by listening to your story and doing a genogram (i.e., family tree) and a timeline.

Understanding Your Intergenerational Patterns

After understanding the background of your presenting problems, you and the therapist will work to understand patterns present in your life. Next, work will be done to understand what themes are in this pattern. For individual therapy, you can do this by talking about friends, romantic relationships, or even workplace dynamics to understand better the patterns in your current life and how it impacts you. In couples or family therapy, understanding what happens within the relationships to cause conflicts helps understand the patterns.

Next, is exploring connections between patterns. Exploring the relationships between the history of family and current patterns in relationships is important.  Understanding if there is a connection between the two will occur through drawing comparisons in processes. If there is a connection, you and the therapist will dive deep and understand this entirely. Then, your therapist will work with you to build skills to help practice changing these patterns. 

Sometimes, deep-seated wounds impede an individual, couple, or family’s ability to practice making changes in their lives. If this is the case, doing work to process the trauma and heal from it can help. Working to heal from the trauma can alleviate the trauma symptoms that may be impacting healthy relationship patterns. 

Making Changes

Time had been taken to understand the history and impact of patterns. Then roles that people play in the pattern and skill-building take place to give hope that changes can made. The final part of therapy will be working towards change. The therapist will help you quickly identify when the pattern is occurring in your life through practice in sessions. Next, work to determine what is needed to shift out of this pattern will occur. Then, practicing utilizing different skills to make the shift will be a final part of treatment. 

Although this is a basic overview of what will happen in treatment to identify, understand, and work towards changing intergenerational patterns, there will frequently be times when the treatment repeats or is modified when new information or understandings of patterns are known. In addition, sometimes processing what occurs within the therapeutic relationship will be done to understand, process, and change an interaction pattern that could reinforce the intergenerational patterns in your life. Indeed, having an emotionally safe and trusting therapeutic relationship lends itself to collaborative changes. 

What can you hope to see through working on this in this way?

If you are thinking about doing the therapeutic work to understand your intergenerational patterns and traumas, you might be wondering what is it that you hope to change? One standard change in this type of therapy is your relationships with others in several domains of your life. For example, improvements in your relationships with your friendships, family, and work could result from understanding the impact of intergenerational patterns in your life. In addition, understanding your patterns can reveal how those patterns persist in several areas of your life. 

Increasing Responses

Another change that you will get from this type of work is identifying and modifying your response when you perceive an unhealthy relationship pattern. Essentially, you are challenging the maladaptive responses and creating adaptive patterns that work for you now. Increasing your identification speed will help you know when to utilize the skills you learned in therapy to gain greater confidence in your assertiveness skills to get preferred outcomes. 

Confidence and Assertiveness

Through vulnerability, a greater sense of Self is a third change you can obtain from understanding your intergenerational patterns through therapy work. Being more confident in yourself and how to assert yourself differently to encourage healthier relationships will inevitably lead to you becoming more vulnerable with others. As a result, you will have the confidence to take more chances in relationships, leading to greater feelings of intimacy and connection with others. Ultimately, understanding your intergenerational patterns can help you feel more in control. Indeed, you will have better control over your interactions with family members, friends, coworkers, and strangers, which can help you have greater satisfaction in your life (i.e., feelings of connection, worth, purpose, and meaning). 

If you are ready to start your journey in exploring your intergenerational patterns in hopes of a better tomorrow, call us today at 267-495-4951 or contact us through our contact form. We are here to guide you into insights, changes, and confidence! 

Caleb Dunn, LPC, NCC, a Licensed Professional Counselor and Clinical Director, is known for his balanced approach that is light-hearted, genuine, and serious. He focuses on creating a non-judgmental space where clients can openly discuss their struggles. Specializing in working with children, families, at-risk youth, and adults in Philadelphia, Caleb addresses issues like family conflicts, anxiety, depression, and trauma. He is experienced in supporting BIPOC and LGBTQ+ teens and their families. Utilizing Eco-Systemic Structural Family Therapy, EMDR, Motivational Interviewing, CBT, and Person-Centered Therapy, he aims to help clients understand and change negative patterns rooted in their past, empowering them to grow into confident and assertive individuals. Caleb is committed to helping clients and families develop the tools needed for a successful life.

Learn more about Caleb Dunn ⇒

The post Intergenerational Patterns appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Social media connects us and provides entertainment, but excessive use can lead to feelings of sadness, anxiety, and isolation. To enjoy its benefits without the downsides, set boundaries: follow positive accounts, limit screen time, move apps to less accessible spots on your phone, put your phone away during meals, plan social activities, and choose offline hobbies like reading or board games.

These practices help you maintain a healthy relationship with social media, enhancing your life and well-being.

Why We’re Hooked on Social Media

We should begin by acknowledging how social media draws you in. Understandably so, it adds to peoples’ lives and connects them to others. Social media also allows freedom for individuals to express themselves. In many ways, social media serves a positive purpose. It provides ways to network with professionals and stay in touch with loved ones. When MySpace launched, they created a profile for individuals to manifest who they wanted to be or be perceived as. Not long after, Facebook followed suit; then Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and TikTok have a tight grip on millennials and Gen-Z alike.

What is the hype all about?

            Social media serves as a way for both extroverted individuals to connect and express themselves and introverted people to get those same needs met. When getting through the school day is hard, some teens have the internet to rely on to blow off steam. A good example would be kids who are bullied throughout school. Bullying is a painful and traumatic way to endure daily life. Coming home to escape that world through a screen, where you can recreate your persona, is a common way to cope. Social media serves as an outlet for people looking to escape the real world and real problems. Scrolling mindlessly, they daydream of the ideal version of themselves they create online.

It also serves as a voice for the silenced. Whether individuals were quiet by choice or silenced by others, the internet offers communication and connection with individuals similar to themselves. This provides a sense of comradery and comfort. Social media also serves as a tool to find long-lost family or friends. People who are adopted now have a platform to find their biological families. Those who move away from their friends when they are young can reconnect as adults. So with everything that social media had to offer, where did it all go wrong?

Social Media’s Double-Edged Sword 

With social media, the consensus is that it is an enjoyable way to spend free time and helps individuals feel connected. However, another large consensus is that it has a significant contribution to mental health decline. In some ways, social media can be conceptualized as playing with fire. It starts as a great way to socialize, an appropriate forum for creative expression, and a massive source of entertainment. The second edge of that sword is how it impacts the brain after a certain point. It increases physical isolation, anxiety symptoms, and consumes excessive amounts of time.

1. Social Media can be Addictive

Many have suggested whether social media can be an addiction. However, some individuals don’t realize that as they scroll on their phones, their brain is actually releasing a chemical known as dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that acts as a reward signal in the body and mimics a feeling of euphoria. This neurotransmitter is also released during other “feel-good” behaviors such as sex, laughing, and addictive drugs. So, effectively, scrolling on the ‘Gram becomes addictive as your body releases these chemicals each time you scroll, causing your brain to require more dopamine each time to feel the same euphoric effects. 

Experts suggest that we don’t even realize the number of times we click on our social media apps. Whether it be to scroll, update a status, post a picture, or message a friend, it happens mindlessly. An article by Business News Daily suggests that individuals check their phones about 60 times a day, leading to about 15 hours per week spent on the screen. Many have said they consider it compulsive at this point. As if it’s a reflex when their phone is unlocked to check social media before putting the phone down. So how can all this social media exposure impact ones’ well-being?

2. Problems with Procrastination

Social media users, ranging from adolescence to adulthood, reportedly spend between three to eight hours a day on their phones. That is three to eight hours a day being taken away from daily responsibilities that, when completed, provide a feeling of productivity and accomplishment. 

Let us consider Cynthia as an example… 

Cynthia is a 23-year-old woman fresh out of college and starting her new corporate job. Overwhelmed with her first big project, she has three reports and a presentation due at the end of the week. Pent up with feelings of stress, she finds solace in picking up her phone and scrolling on Instagram. After climbing out of a rabbit hole of makeup tutorials and funny dog videos, she looks at the clock and realizes four hours have passed. Cynthia is hit with a wall of exhaustion but realizes she has six pages to crank out of her report before the deadline. So here comes the rush of cortisol, the rapid breathing, and the pit in her stomach.

Crunched for time, Cynthia writes six pages of seemingly repetitive nonsense and submits the report at midnight before her meeting. Suddenly, when she thought she would be relieved of her stress, Cynthia is surprised to notice she is flooded with disappointment. She realizes she may not have been as thorough as she hoped and doubted whether these reports were her best work. Riddled with anxiety about her boss’s thoughts, Cynthia crawls into a fetal position, escaping to social media as she awaits feedback. Simultaneously, she avoids her next presentation and thus repeats the cycle all over again. 

It’s not at all uncommon…

Procrastinating on tasks we must do throughout the day is a norm everybody faces in one way or another. However, it is important to consider why we’re doing it. Oftentimes, procrastination is a defense mechanism to avoid deeper, negative feelings the task may trigger. In Cynthia’s case, she may feel inadequate at conducting research, writing, or experiencing imposter syndrome in her first adult, corporate job after graduation. She considers these feelings as weaknesses, and it often brings out feelings of low confidence in her ability to meet her boss’ expectations. Instead of bringing these concerns to her supervisor and risk highlighting her incompetence, Cynthia compartmentalizes her concerns and distracts herself through her phone.

Procrastination through distraction is a quicker solution and involves no one else but herself. However, while this strategy may help Cynthia feel better now, it will only last until the next task triggers these same feelings. In other words, procrastination is just a band-aid to the deeper issue. It’s not a solution. 

3. Impacts on your self-image

Another pillar of this topic is how social media affects one’s self-image. At this point, it is no surprise that exposure to media impacts how society sees itself through photoshop, editing, and illusions. But what exactly is the process going on inside our minds? Simply put, the media releases images of “perfect” bodies, which many consider perfect skin, certain body types, and ideal hair. This causes us to compare and consider how we are less than, rather than focusing on things we appreciate about ourselves. “Perfection” or influencer type media finds a way to trigger something in each consumer, even if their insecurities are different. 

Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” And though social media didn’t exist when he said this, his quote is incredibly relevant to these platforms. While we compare our lives to others’ lives, we miss out on opportunities to practice gratitude for what we do have. I use the term “we” because it is a common, collective experience. Its human nature to compare and focus on what others have. Rather than stress about participating, acknowledge when it happens and practice mindfulness and compassion instead. 

4. Feeling “othered”

In addition to influencers and media’s portrayal of what sexy and healthy is, there is bullying and a lack of or over representation, which can lead to low self-esteem and feeling like an outsider.

Bullying

People tend to be much harsher with their words when behind a screen and not looking personally into the eyes of the person they are saying mean things about. While one might be able to say they are “venting” on Twitter about their partner, their partner may see that and feel violated and betrayed. Or, adolescents start groups that are in reference to someone they are picking on. These actions can be taken with a simple click of a button but leave detrimental effects on those that are on the receiving end of the messaging.

Representation

Moreover, representation is essential to our well-being. Do we see ourselves in the people who report success or have thousands of followers? Are our algorithms keeping us stuck in a closed-minded way of seeing the world? There is a real danger in how our newsfeeds are programmed to function for us. If we do not intentionally seek information that is different than what the algorithms deem we want to see, we can get tunnel-visioned into one way of thinking or feel ostracized because there is a lack of representation of ourselves in certain social realms.

5. Social Media as a Coping Mechanism

            The fourth area I’ll discuss in this article is social media as a coping mechanism. Similarly to procrastination, individuals may use social media to cope with other negative feelings due to their environment. Have you ever been in a situation that causes so much discomfort or angst that you wish you could leave but can’t? So, instead, you grab your phone and jump into the social media world as an escape. Let’s examine this scenario through the eyes of Will, who is a 28-year-old living in the city with his girlfriend.

Will just got home from a long day at work…

He finally has time to sit down and connect with his girlfriend. Due to their conflicting work schedules, quality time is rare and his girlfriend is feeling unsatisfied with their relationship. With such a short window to discuss their issues, Will’s girlfriend loses her temper in an attempt to get her message across quickly. Since Will is the type of person to shy away from conflict (conflict avoidant), he isolates himself in the bedroom until it’s time to go to sleep. To skip the screaming, Will begins going straight to bed after work, causing his girlfriend to feel more alone and disappointed in the relationship. While he lays in bed, Will finds himself spending four hours a night finding entertainment through TikTok. For once, the amusing drama on his phone screen did not involve him or his girlfriend, and he could scroll as he pleases.

Time passes on and Will’s friends ask how his relationship is going and he is met with the question “what have you been up to?” Suddenly, Will’s mind draws a blank. He could not remember for the life of him one memorable moment in the last few weeks. This is when it dawned on him that he spent nearly all his free time couped in his bedroom, avoiding the anxiety of conflict. Will was coping by imagining alternate realities through the content of social media. He was so busy avoiding their conflict that he avoided his own life, losing the present moment and having nothing to show for his free time.

Can you relate?

Ever realize as time passes by that you have little to show for it? As if looking back on the recent past is mainly squares of black where experiences should be? These blanks are one of many ways social media can steal from the human experience. It also slows the healing process when individuals are aware of their negative emotions but don’t properly have a way to handle them. Instead, they rely on social media as a mental vacation from life. Having a safe space is important, like connecting with friends or a serotonin surge from puppy videos. Though it’s also ideal to confront and process negative situations that are not serving you. This article is all about learning when those different mechanisms are appropriate. 

6. Social media reduces social behavior

            Finally, one of the most noticeable changes since the creation of social media is how, ironically, it causes individuals to be less social. Even though its intentions are to bring people together, what about social media is causing such a decline in socialization? The answer: everyone’s time is going into creating an online persona. As I mentioned above, for many, social media is an escape from their real life. This can feel good for many reasons, like the freedom to be expressive and share your visions with others. All of these aspects of social media help you get to know yourself better. On the other hand, not enough human interaction may cause individuals to lose their social skills.

As one spends hours without in-person interaction, they grow increasingly self-conscious when they’re unable to slap a filter on real-life. Therefore, the easiest way people choose to avoid social discomfort is to eliminate or drastically reduce socializing overall. Below, we start talking about ways to build better boundaries. Social media has a lot to offer and without it, we may feel isolated in other ways. Setting boundaries can be difficult to do. It is essentially putting your foot down and setting up the stage for change, which can be scary and uncomfortable. Boundaries can be freeing however because it allows for more control over how we spend our precious time. In terms of social media, stronger boundaries will allow us to absorb the positives while resuming our presence in our daily life.

Building Boundaries with Social Media

1) Prioritize purging

One of the biggest triggers for comparison is allowing anyone to follow you and interact on your page or having loose boundaries around who you follow. Social media has the potential to inspire, bring motivation, and entertain you. Being intentional about who you allow on your newsfeed is an empowering way to preserve your peace. Only absorb media that makes you feel good. Just like spring cleaning, take one day to go through your list and unfollow any accounts that can be a trigger for you or who have not been positive with their interactions on your page. Follow pages that encourage you to be the best version of yourself. Watch as social media becomes a source of inspiration, getting you closer to your ideal self in real life.

2) Move apps to the last page on your phone

Moving social media apps to the last page on your phone is a great way to reduce your screen time if you feel that clicking on the apps are a reflexive habit. Out of sight, out of mind, some might say. You can even go as far as deleting the apps from your phone and only logging in through your web browser. Making it harder for you to access the platforms tends to lend itself to natural boundaries for yourself.

3) Set a screen-time limit

Believe it or not, the creators of most phones today have heard society’s cries for help in the social media addiction. They have created a tactic to fight the urge to keep scrolling by setting an option to limit your screen time. If you feel like your scrolling is habitual or addictive or have heard these comments from others, go into your settings and set a limit of 1-2 hours per day. This can be a good boundary set in place to snap you out of the “one more video” cycle.

4) Try screen-free meals

Sometimes it feels overwhelming to quit something cold turkey. By establishing a time of day to be present, you allow yourself to slowly reduce the amount of screen time you accrue. On the plus side, this allows you to fully enjoy your meal whether this is your alone time or an opportunity to catch up with others.

5) Social Interaction Days

Social interaction days are a great way to not only reduce your social media use but an excuse to get you out the door and into some fresh air. By finding local events going on in your neighborhood or scheduling plans in advance, you can avoid unintentional wasted weekends. Additionally, by committing to the event ahead of time, you can hold yourself accountable when the day comes.

6) Screen-free activities

Our devices are so central to how we go about our daily lives. We wake up to an alarm on our phone, check the news, weather, stocks, etc. As we’re brushing our teeth or drinking coffee, we stay connected to others through texting or social media. We even begin our workday sometimes prior to getting to work by checking or responding to emails or Slack notifications. We pull up something to watch for our children while we’re trying to do a task, and so on and so forth. However, it can feel so refreshing to choose an activity that doesn’t involve a screen – completing a daily crossword puzzle in the newspaper (as opposed to your daily Wordl); reading a hard copy of a book (as opposed to Apple Books or Kindle); playing a board game with your roommate (instead of Candy Crush). Or simply set a boundary with yourself that after a certain time in your day (let’s say 9p), you put your phone on its charger and you finish out your evening.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, social media is a part of our lives that is seemingly here to stay. Instead of feeling shame about using your apps and feeling stuck in the social media cycle, allow boundaries to create a healthy relationship between you and your screen. It is time to use your social media to get closer to the best version of yourself. By using one or two of the tips provided above, my hope is that you no longer need to escape from life but use social media to celebrate your life through expression. 

If you would like more help healing the qualms of heavy social media use, or if you have questions on this topic or are looking for more support, please reach out to one of our trained therapists at The Better You Institute. Call us at 267-495-4951.

Brianna Intili, MA, NCC, is a Professional Counselor and Director of Professional Development specializing in mindfulness-based approaches to help clients find peace in adversity. Focused on empathetic, judgment-free counseling, she empowers individuals to overcome challenges like mood disorders, low self-esteem, and life transitions. With a BS in Psychology from James Madison University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marymount University, Brianna combines cognitive techniques and a holistic view for a fulfilling life.

Learn more about Brianna Intili ⇒

The post Building Boundaries with Social Media appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Feeling constantly rushed and stressed? Learn how to slow down and find balance. This article shares tips to calm your mind and relax your body. Techniques like mindfulness, thought logging, and grounding exercises help you stay present, manage stress, and communicate better. Start incorporating these steps into your daily routine for a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Learn to Slow Down Your Racing Thoughts: 

When our mind is racing a mile a minute, we lose the ability to be present. We go into our heads and lose our concentration, become disoriented to our surroundings, or become numb even. Many of us are being told on a regular basis to stay organized, do this task, finish all our assignments, practice self-care, don’t forget to shower, call this person, check off these lists, and on and on. It can feel exhausting! Our poor minds can get so bogged down and overwhelmed by all of this.

We may jump to worst-case scenarios or always feel like we need to be going going going. 

What Anxious Thinking Can Look Like:

• Racing thoughts
• Frequent overwhelm or worry
• Poor concentration and focus
  
• Disorganization
  
• Forgetfulness
  
• Catastrophizing (This is when we jump to the worst-case scenarios)
  
• Quick thinking (like jumping to conclusions) rather than slowed thinking where we are aware and more rational
  
• Having trouble listening to others because we are stuck in our thoughts
  
• Low sense of Self: Thinking we are not good enough, unloveable, unworthy. That we are faulty/broken, a failure, etc.
  
• Being in a cycle of fear or self-doubt
  
• Being in a shame or guilt cycle
  
• Allowing our emotions (typically fear) to drive us. Thus, trouble coming up with rational thoughts or solutions

So how do you slow down and quiet your thoughts? How do you cope with irrational or unhelpful thinking? 

Tools to Slow Down Your Anxious, Overwhelmed Thoughts at the Moment 

Awareness of the thoughts: Take time to check in with what your daily thoughts sound like overall: 

• Is there always overwhelm or pressure? 
• Are you being kind to yourself in your thoughts?
• Are your thoughts on the present moment or in the future or past?
• Are you on autopilot, or are you staying aware and mindful throughout your day? 

Example Activity: You are getting ready for a date; Thought: I should just call and cancel, nothing is fitting me right, and I look frumpy. 

1. Say it out loud: “I should cancel this date. Nothing is fitting me right, and I look frumpy.” 
2. Label the meaning or feeling of the thought: 
   • I’m nervous
   • I don’t feel good about my body (disgust/shame)
3. Understand where the thoughts come from: 
   • My mom always told me to suck it in whenever she took me shopping; I don’t believe I look good in anything. 
   • My last date didn’t go well, so I don’t trust that this one will too, and I feel like I’m wasting my time. 
4. Challenge the truth or reality to these thoughts: 
   • I’ve been complimented several times in this outfit; I look good!
   • One bad date doesn’t have to define future dates. I have a fresh start with this one.

Example Activity: You are at your desk working on a project you find boring but necessary; Thought: the sky is blue. 

1. Say it out loud: “The sky is blue.”
2. Label the meaning or feeling of the thought: kind of meaningless but maybe a representation that I’m bored
3. Understand where it comes from: boredom? A yearning to go outside?

Try to practice catching and noticing thought patterns that arise. As a thought comes in, spend some time with it. Say it out loud, label the meaning or feeling of the thought, understand where it comes from within you. 

2. Thought Logging:

• Try to practice keeping a thought log to see the helpful and unhelpful thoughts (sometimes called Cognitive Distortions) coming up for you. Pay attention to what is happening when rushing or stuck in anxious thinking patterns. Challenge yourself to come up with helpful alternate responses or thoughts. 

Example Activity: You get invited to a party, but you don’t know many people who will be there. You start getting anxious, and thoughts come up about how no one will like you or want to be your friend. Your mind starts racing and getting stuck in unhelpful thoughts like “No one will like me because I’m _____(weird/awkward/ugly/unlikeable). I will never make new friends. What’s the point in going?” The unhelpful thoughts here are:

1. Jumping to conclusions – interpreting meaning with little or no evidence
2. Catastrophizing – seeing the worst-case scenario 
3. All or nothing thinking
4. Disqualifying the positives 

Helpful Alternate Responses can be:

1. Validation into empowerment: Attending this party is scary, but I have met new people before, and I can do this again.
2. Positive regard: I know my friends like ___(my style, attitude, caring for others, silliness, etc.) about me, so that shows that I am likable. 
3. Acknowledge reality into empowerment: I may not connect with everyone, but I can talk to at least one new person.
4. Problem-solving: My friend invited me. She wants me there. Maybe I can talk to her to get to know some of the people in this new group, and she can help introduce me. 

Mindfulness/Grounding:

• Congratulations – by bringing awareness to your thoughts and logging them, you’ve ALREADY participated in mindful thinking! Let’s take it a step further… 
• Read or watch videos on mindfulness. 
• Engage in mindfulness meditations like Leaves On A Stream 
• Practice deep breathing techniques like: 

1. 1. Diaphragmatic breathing 
   2. Box breathing – breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, hold for 4

• Listen to or think about calming or relaxing music. Or, pick a song that you can use every time you want to ground yourself. This song should have a positive meaning to you, a catchy beat that you enjoy, or something that will work to reset yourself. 
• Tell or think to yourself, “I am slowing down. I am present. I am here.” 
• Use 54321 grounding technique – find and label 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel/touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 2 things you can taste.
• Play categories with yourself – Pick a topic (dogs, football teams, rock bands, etc.) and begin naming, either in your head or out loud, every possible response to this.
• Complete a Body Scan – see below

Compassion work:

• Practice daily gratitude and try to include gratuities for how you navigated and managed your thinking 
• Increase your inner monologue or self-talk to be more supportive and kind, especially towards the practice of slowing down.
  • Example: “Wow, look at me! I caught myself rushing and used _______ (deep breathing, grounding, etc.) to slow my thoughts down. This action helped me feel more ______ (relaxed, calm, focused, etc.).”
• Using positive affirmations or mantras

Check-in questions to ask yourself:

-What thought pattern am I getting stuck in, and how do I navigate this?
-Am I in an anxious state or a relaxed state?
-Do I need to take a step back and mentally ground myself?
-Did I give myself praise for shifting unhelpful thoughts?

Giving Your Body a Break:

How exhausted is your body at the end of your day? When or how did you show your body love and give it a break from the hustle and bustle? Our bodies carry our stresses, tensions, feelings, traumas, and so much more. (A good book discussing this is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.) No wonder we can feel weighed down after a long day or especially after a very active day. In our fast-paced world, our bodies are constantly pushing the limits. 

Constant stress and overwhelm in our bodies can result in the following: 

• Tiredness
  
• Muscle aches/tension
  
• Feeling heaviness or like we are being weighed down
  
• Increased or decreased heart rate
  
• Feeling on edge
  
• Increased or decreased appetite and sleep
  
• Increased or decreased sex drive
  
• Not being able to relax or get comfortable
  
• IBS like symptoms
  
• The onset of illness (short-term or long-term)

Tools to Relax in Your Bodies:

• Practice relaxation and body scan techniques such as Progressive Muscle Relaxation
• Box Breathing Exercise
• Yoga
•  Meditation
• Movement like exercise or dancing (just remember to be grounded in these exercises, so you are not rushing through it)
• Showing your body kindness or gratitude
  • Example: “Go me! I felt my body continue to feel tense, and I used muscle relaxation to get rid of it.”

Check-in questions to ask yourself: 

• Am I feeling tense and on edge or relaxed and grounded?
• What’s my go-to body relaxation technique to keep in mind if needed?
• What is my body telling me to pay attention to, and how can I respect that?
• Have I paused my body at all today, or have I been on the go non-stop?
• Am I holding my breath? 

When we begin to slow down, we can see and feel things more clearly. Our thoughts are then more rational, direct, kind, and empowering. Our bodies can feel more relaxed, comfortable, and grounded. 

Our Language and Communication in a Rush

Do you find it hard to stop and think before you speak? It’s common to want to be heard and get our thoughts or feedback out for others to hear. But sometimes, this can come at a high cost if we do not slow down and reflect on what we are saying or how we say it. We can come off as offensive, critical, blaming, or just not supportive.

These responses tend to happen when we rush to speak or react versus respond. People want conversations to happen quickly and on their time in a fast-paced world. There can be so many roadblocks and problems coming up in our communication and the language we use when we do not slow down. 

It’s also important to be mindful of using extreme words in our vocabulary, especially when words are accusatory or shaming. Leaving the person feeling put down or less than. Examples of extreme words are “right/wrong” or “always/never.” When we react versus respond, we are not mindful or clear in what we are saying. 

When we are reactive, this can look like: 

• Blaming/Shaming
• Being aggressive or accusatory
  
• Using “you” statements instead of “I” statements
  
• Always coming in hot to the conversation
  
• Not being transparent in our feedback or with our intention
  
• Interrupting or rushing
  
• Using one of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen: Defensiveness, Criticism, Contempt, or Stonewalling
  
• Saying something we don’t mean
  
• Saying something just to say something with nothing to back it
  
• Being a ‘know it all’

When we are responding, this can look like:

• Approaching the conversation with kindness and respect
  
• Using “I” statements to share how are we feeling
  
• Being intentional about what we want to say or the outcome/feedback we’d like
  
• Coming from a mindful and grounded place
  
• Being our most assertive self (not to be confused with aggressive)
• Being a good listener and building on the conversation vs. getting out what you need to say with little regard for the other’s thoughts/feelings
  
• Working towards understanding, compassion, and empathy
  
• Giving the other person the benefit of the doubt/seeing the goodwill in them
  
• Owning your role in the situation or outcome
  
• Owning when you don’t have the answers and saying, “I don’t know.”

Ways to slow down when we speak: 

• Take a deep breath or do a deep breathing exercise before you respond
  
• Use muscle relaxation to release built-up tension or stress
  
• Do meditation before engaging in the conversation
  
• Use active listening techniques: “What I heard you say is…,” “I just want to make sure I’m on the same page with you, you said…,” “Can you repeat what you said? I didn’t get it all.”
  
• Use eye contact; face the person
  
• Count to 5 before responding
  
• Tell yourself something you appreciate about the other person before responding to them.

Check-in questions to ask yourself: 

• Am I reacting, or am I responding? 
• Do I need to take a breath or take a step back?
• Do I need to shift the language I am about to use? 
• What is my intention in this conversation? 
• Am I calm and relaxed, or am I escalated? 

Conclusion

Remember, slow and steady wins the race. When grounded in our minds and bodies, our thoughts, responses, and actions will be more lucid, rational, and kind. Therefore, it’s vital to begin daily check-ins to catch yourself rushing and use the different steps explained above to help you slow down.

These are just some tips and techniques to use, so feel free to explore other methods, books, or podcasts on this topic. If you would like more help in relaxing and slowing down your mind and body, or if you have questions on this topic or are looking for more support, please reach out to one of our trained therapists at The Better You Institute. Call us at 267-495-4951. 

Learn more about Caitlin Siekerka ⇒

The post How to Slow Down Your Mind and Body in a Fast-Paced World  appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Here you can find simple tips to incorporate gratitude into your daily routine. Practicing gratitude can improve mental and physical health. Suggestions include keeping a gratitude journal, setting positive intentions each day, using affirmations to boost self-esteem, reflecting on positive events in the evening, and thinking about how to improve yourself each day. These practices can help you develop a more positive outlook.

What is Gratitude?

Gratitude is the feeling of appreciation towards something or someone. The word gratitude comes from the Latin word gratus, which translates to thankful and pleasing. Gratitude is the response the receiver (you) has towards the giver (someone or something). For example, when someone shows an act of kindness, we are pleased and appreciative.  

Gratitude provides us with psychological benefits that improve our mental health. Research shows that people who “count their blessings” and show gratitude are less depressed. Additionally, we see improvements in our mental and physical health due to the rewiring of pathways in the brain. Gratitude can not only change you but also your brain! The chemistry in the brain changes and rewires neuropathways. For example, grateful thinking activates the brain stem to produce dopamine. Dopamine is our brain’s pleasure chemical and it is released when we think positively. 

Gratitude is taking the time to recognize the good that is present in your life and around you. Gratitude falls into the category of being thankful and showing recognition towards people and things. According to Harvard Health, gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish in good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships. Gratitude allows you to be in the present moment. By simply reflecting on the things you are grateful for, you are able to slow down and be aware of the good things in your life.

Things to be grateful for…

• Family
• Friends
• Relationships
• Work
• Your funny coworker
• Physical Health
• Our body
• Nature 
• Warm homes
• Special holidays
• Pets
• Your sassy cat
• Education
• Laughter
• Good hair days
• Food
• Netflix 
• Food
• Emotional regulation
• Your ability to connect with others
• And so much more!

Adopting an attitude of gratitude, showing thanks and appreciation can significantly improve your mental and physical health. Human beings have used gratitude for thousands of years. Cultures around the world have made the mind-body connection with mental well-being. When our body and mind are aligned and in balance, we see great benefits.

By practicing gratitude, we are strengthening our minds and our physical well-being to see great rewards. 

Why Should I Learn How to be Grateful?

There are endless numbers of reasons why you should learn to be grateful. Gratitude brings happiness and improves mental and physical well-being. Gratitude helps us make sense of the past, sends peace for today, and creates hope for tomorrow. The gap between where you are and where you think you need to be is what we call anxiety and depression. Oftentimes, in anxiety or depression, we can be looking too far into the future or stuck in the past. Showing gratitude grounds you in the present moment by having you think in the here and now. 

Research shows that you can’t be angry (past, depression) and grateful simultaneously. You also can’t be fearful (future, anxiety) and grateful at the same time. Gratitude is a good reframe and can be the solution to anger or fear. For example, when you get angry with your toddler for having a temper tantrum at the grocery store, you can reframe it to gratefulness that you get to be present with your child, that they are able to lean into their emotions in an unabridged, unashamed way, and you have the opportunity to comfort and teach them at that moment. Another example would be looking at something you fear as an invited challenge, something that will get you outside of your comfort zone to grow and be grateful for that opportunity. 

The Neuroscience Behind Gratitude

When we think of human emotions, there’s a lot! Interestingly, gratitude is known to be the healthiest of all human emotions. It is seen as the healthiest emotion because of the positive benefits it has on our physical and mental health. As humans, we are able to experience and label the difference between positive/negative and healthy/unhealthy emotions. Emotions are useful to us and we are constantly learning from them. Emotions have the ability to grant us insight into different situations in our lives. We can learn and grow from allowing all types of emotions into our space. The human body responds to these different emotions in different ways. 

The human brain controls our physiological functioning. The effect of gratitude on the brain is long-lasting and impactful. We are able to track gratitude and its effect on the human body all the way back to the neural mechanisms involved. Neural mechanisms are neural circuits and regions of the brain that are involved in regulating the body’s homeostasis.

The “Feel Good” Emotions

Our brain releases serotonin and dopamine when we express and receive gratitude. Dopamine and serotonin, also known as the “feel good” emotions, are both two crucial neurotransmitters responsible for our emotions. These neurotransmitters have the ability to enhance our mood and ultimately leave us feeling happy. Every time we practice gratitude, we train these neurotransmitter pathways and strengthen them. Now imagine implementing gratitude into your everyday life. Over time, these pathways will strengthen and will change our outlook on life in a positive way.

What’s Actually Happening in Our Brains

Gratitude research shows the impact it has on the brain. The active practice of gratitude and grateful thinking rewires our brains. Grateful thinking is connected to the reward system of the brain. The reward systems in the brain are a group of structures that become activated when we experience something rewarding. The structures within the reward system are found among the primary dopamine pathways of the brain.

When we experience something rewarding, the brain responds by releasing an increased amount of dopamine. Dopamine neurons are activated before the reward is received.  According to Positive Psychology, scientists have suggested that by activating the reward center of the brain, gratitude giving and receiving can change the way we see ourselves and the world around us. Gratitude positively impacts the brain, which then results in strengthening our view of the world.

Hebb’s Law states, “neurons that fire together wire together.” This law states the more activation (firing) of neurons, the easier it is for them to create a new pathway (wiring together). In this regard, neuroplasticity is the ability of the brain to physically rewire itself. Grateful thinking causes the brain to undergo neuroplasticity by physically changing and making more neural connections.

Grateful exchanges impact the brain’s prefrontal cortex (the front of our brain that helps us to have deductive reasoning/critical thinking skills: foresight and consideration of consequences for things), which develops last (on average by the age of 25-years-old). The medial prefrontal cortex is responsible for making decisions and is linked to learning. When the “feel-good” neurotransmitters, similar to antidepressants, activate the bliss center of the brain it brings us feelings of happiness and contentment. To continue the activation of the feel-good neurotransmitters, we need to train the prefrontal cortex with regular practice of grateful thinking. The more exposure we have to grateful thinking, our brains will be able to retain positive experiences and thoughts and deflect negative thoughts. 

Benefits of Gratitude

Gratitude is known to have many benefits. Gratitude can…. 

• Reduce Anxiety and Depression
  • Shifting the focus from what we don’t have to what we do have.
  • Studies show it is impossible to feel depressed and grateful at the same moment.
  • Grateful thinking releases serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin, which are all correlated to depression and anxiety when in a deficit.
• Improve Sleep Quality
  • Simple acts of kindness activate the hypothalamus, the body’s control center for sleep and arousal. 
• Reduce Stress and Burnout
  • Gratitude reduces the level of cortisol, the brain’s stress hormone.
• Increase Resilience & Mental Strength
  • Gratitude builds our inner strength by managing and encouraging positive emotions. 
  • Gratitude reminds us of what we are capable of and empowers us for further courage and motivation. 
• Improve Emotional Regulation
  • Gratitude allows individuals to be grounded in the present moment. The ability to be in the present moment grants one to have control over their emotional state.
• Foster Hope For The Future
  • Grateful thinking has the ability to positively change one’s outlook on the future through rewiring our brains and helping shift our perspective/worldview
• Regulate The Effective Functioning of The Immune System
  • Grateful thinking impacts the mind-body connection
• Reduce Blood Pressure
  • Gratitude helps individuals slow down and reduce stressful situations by changing their outlook on life. 
• Reduce Pain/ Less Chronic Pain
  • Grateful thinking can lead to an optimistic view of life. Individuals living with chronic pain can see improvements in their physical health and quality of life through an optimistic lens.
    • Studies show by having a positive outlook on your diagnosis, you are more likely to have less severe symptoms, be less impacted by the diagnosis, and have fewer complications. 
• What else have you noticed that your gratefulness has impacted in your life?

That’s a lot of benefits! The benefits gratitude brings us can change our lives for the better.

Gratitude helps people think of what they do have versus what they are lacking. Learning how to shift the focus from what you don’t have to what you have has powerful benefits. 

The “Secret” to Achieving Genuine Happiness

Genuine happiness looks different to most people. The happiness we feel comes from within and is a state of mind. When a person experiences genuine happiness, they often feel satisfied, authentic, and euphoric. Having an optimistic outlook on life helps in achieving genuine happiness. 

Do you want to know a secret? There are three things in life that can bring you genuine happiness. Now, take a moment to guess what they might be. No, it’s not money. No, it’s not reaching your goal weight either. And, no it’s not becoming a social media influencer. I’ll share the three things with you! The three things in life that can bring you genuine happiness are…

Health– Your overall mental and physical health is a part of achieving genuine happiness. When the body and mind are in a healthy place it enables a person to live their life to the healthiest and fullest. What does health mean to you? How do you want to achieve your version of health? 

Here are some ideas of health: 

• Getting a physical every year
• Getting your teeth cleaned every six months
• Going to therapy
• Checking in with yourself, how are you: emotionally, physically, mentally?
• What is your relationship with food? 
  • What foods are you eating for nutrition? 
  • For joy? 
  • For communal purposes?
  • For coping?
• How often are you getting outside? 
• How often are you getting alone time or time with family/friends?
• How much screen time are you getting?
• Is your home conducive to the lifestyle you want? 
• Is your home set up for your abilities? 
• How far/close are you to different resources you enjoy or need (e.g., grocery store, gym, work, friends, hobbies)

Relationships– Relationships are important in shaping our level of happiness. Relationships include romantic, friendship, familial, and acquaintanceships. Fulfilling relationships within these different types of relationships are important aspects of happiness. 

Here are some ideas of fulfilling relationships:

• Ones that entail good communication
• Ones where you have room to grow and explore
• Ones that you can lean on in tough times
• Ones that you feel you have healthy levels of independence and interdependence
• Ones that you can set boundaries in and those boundaries are respected
• Ones that you feel comfortable being assertive with your needs 
• Ones where you feel seen and heard
• Ones where you can be yourself and not hide parts of you

Work– Our experience at work is a factor and it contributes to our overall happiness. Most people are shocked when they hear that their work is a factor in achieving genuine happiness. The average person spends 90,000 hours at work in their lifetime. That’s a lot of time! The work environment, co-workers, and the work itself all play a role with one another. 

Here are some ideas of a good work environment:

• Having your work be aligned with the answer to ‘why do you work?’ If it’s for the money and you make the amount of money desired, great! If it’s to do something meaningful and you feel your work is making a difference, great! So, ask yourself, why do I work, and then does your work now align with that answer? 
• Liking your coworkers
• Feeling comfortable to speak up
• Feeling seen and heard
• Doing something that aligns with your ethics
• A place that respects your boundaries
• Tasks that are a healthy level of challenging and rewarding
• Having the benefits you desire or need both in the work setting (e.g., ping pong table, coffee machine, open concept, cubicles) or packages (e.g., time off, 401k, stock options)
• A place that is responsive to your grievances
• Having the amount of autonomy/agency or guidance/direction you desire/need
• Having a work culture you desire (casual vs. regimented)
• Getting to choose how you set up your work environment (e.g., can you work from home, can you design your office, can you work from anywhere)

When most people hear the “secret” to achieving happiness, they are often stunned. It can sound strange at first to accept these 3 different factors but they all play a major role in achieving genuine happiness. These areas impact our life and I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on your overall health, relationships, and work. When reflecting on these 3 different areas in your life, ask yourself a few questions. Am I happy in these areas? What can I do to improve these areas? What’s working and what’s not working? Am I truly satisfied? Do I feel grateful in these areas?

How to Practice Gratitude Activity: 5 Ways to Practice Gratitude

There are many ways to practice gratitude and implement it into your everyday life. By taking 5-10 minutes each day to show gratitude it’s proven to have huge benefits on your overall well-being. Ask yourself what you want to get out of each day. Do I want to spend 10 minutes on TikTok or YouTube, or do I want to spend 10 minutes sitting in my own gratitude? It’s the simple choices that add up and, over time, greatly impact our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.

Five-Minute Journal Exercise (From The Five-Minute Journal by Intelligent Change)

This is a gratitude journal prompt that you can use daily. The purpose of this exercise is to have you take a second and pause to reflect on what you are grateful for. Remember, try to be as specific as possible as being too general doesn’t give you the same effects as specificity. This exercise challenges you to see the good and it reframes your thinking in a positive manner. With the help of this prompt, you can start the process of incorporating gratitude into your everyday life. These questions help you focus on what you do have versus what you don’t have. 

MORNING ROUTINE

1. I am grateful for…

When you first wake up, ask yourself what you are grateful for. Writing down what you are grateful for first thing in the morning allows you to view the day in a positive light. By actively searching for the good, you are in the process of silencing negative thoughts.

2. What would make today great?

By writing down things that would make today great, you are intentionally setting possible goals for yourself. Thinking of ways to make the day great you are training your brain to see the good. You are in the process of reaching marginal goals.

3. Daily affirmation. I am…

Affirmations are the practice of positive thinking and self-empowerment. Writing down affirmations fosters a sense of belief and confidence. Examples of affirmations include, “I am strong, I am worthy, and I am enough.” Writing down positive statements about oneself allows one to overcome negative thoughts.

NIGHTTIME ROUTINE

4. Write 3 amazing things that happened today…

The nighttime questions are extremely beneficial in maintaining grateful thinking. You are in the process of searching for the good when you reflect on “amazing” things that happened throughout the day. Reflecting on good things from the day changes neuron pathways in the brain, and over time it will become easier.

5. How could I have made today better?

Reflecting on what could have made the day even better gives you the chance to go back and change something from the day. You have the opportunity to reflect back on the day and ask yourself what could’ve gone better. By doing this you are reminding yourself that you hold the power to make positive changes. You are able to see positive changes in the future rather than dwelling on the past. You are in the driver’s seat of your own life and you are in control of making influential changes.

Here is a link to access the Five-Minute Journal used above.

Are you Struggling to Learn How to Practice Gratitude?

Gratitude provides us with psychological benefits that improve our mental health. Grateful thinking opens the door to new and exciting possibilities. It is normal to feel stuck in the past or worry about the future. Grateful thinking kickstarts change by challenging us to see the good in the world.

When we allow ourselves to slow down and really think about what and who we are grateful for, our mind and body can relax and have an overall positive response. If you want to start learning how to incorporate grateful thinking or have questions about starting the process, feel free to schedule an appointment at The Better You Institute with one of our Philadelphia therapists. Call us today, 267-495-4951 to set up your appointment.

Claire Savage, M.Ed, a Professional Counselor and Practicum and Intern Liaison, is known for her caring and open-minded nature. Her background as a first-generation Irish American has shaped her focus on identity development in therapy, helping clients understand their passions, purpose, and values. Drawing from her Division I Rowing experience at Temple University, Claire emphasizes the importance of mental health and the role of failure in personal growth. She approaches therapy like a puzzle, using person-centered, experiential, somatic, emotionally focused, and cognitive behavioral approaches to help clients gain new perspectives and control over their lives. Claire holds a Bachelor’s and Master’s in Counseling Psychology from Temple University. Passionate about Philadelphia, she enjoys exploring coffee shops, attending workout classes, and spending time with loved ones. Claire is dedicated to guiding clients on their wellness journey.

Learn more about Claire Savage ⇒

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Have you ever felt like crippling depression has taken over your life? Do you feel like there is no way to escape it and that it will never go away? Maybe you think there is no solution because you don’t know how to deal with crippling depression. 

It’s important not to give up hope even when you feel it will never go away but also to seek help with mental health professionals and improve your mental health. 

This blog post talks about crippling depression, what it is, why someone may have it, and how to deal with crippling depression.

What is crippling depression?

Crippling depression is a severe form of depression that causes significant impairment in one’s day-to-day life. Clinically it is typically referred to as Major Depressive Disorder. A major depressive episode, or period of crippling depression, is characterized by consistently negative moods, feelings of sadness or emptiness, or a loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities for at least two weeks. 

Why do I have crippling depression?

There are various reasons and risk factors you may have crippling depression, and it can vary from person to person. Some common causes include:

• Genetics (a family history)
• Circadian rhythm disturbances  
• Reduced neurotransmitters such as serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine 
• Female gender roles 
• Cultural views of depression 
• Exposure to discrimination 
• Lack of social support 
• Negative thinking style
• Ruminative thinking style (constant focus on negative situations in the past)
• Learned helplessness (a learned sense of powerlessness from previous negative events)
• Childhood trauma (loss of a family member, neglect, maltreatment, etc.) 
• Stress responses to daily events
• Chronic pain because you may not be able to participate in activities you usually enjoy 
• Physical disabilities
• Substance abuse
• Mental illness

These are just a few potential reasons you may have crippling depression, and you may realize that you can relate to more than one cause. Depression can be caused by the accumulation or combination of many of these causes. 

How crippling depression feels

Crippling depression is known as feeling crippling because it can make everyday tasks feel impossible. Depression can lead to suicidal thoughts and a decrease in motivation. You may not feel motivated to try self-help tips, so you continue to feel depressed. A therapist can help you find motivation, inspire hope, and guide you to making positive changes in your life. 

It is also important to note that depression is comorbid, commonly diagnosed with mental illnesses such as crippling anxiety. So you may experience other distressing symptoms that are not due to depression. 

Symptoms of depression:

Common symptoms of depression can include:

• Lack of energy or fatigue
• Inability to concentrate on tasks
• Lack of interest in activities you used to enjoy 
• Loss of appetite and weight loss (not due to dieting)
• Increase in appetite and weight gain 
• Easily irritated 
• Inability to make decisions 
• Feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt
• Suicidal thoughts or behaviors 

Diagnosing crippling depression

Your therapist or psychiatrist can diagnose crippling depression as Major Depression Disorder (MDD). Having a diagnosis to match your feelings can be incredibly validating, especially when struggling so much. If you are experiencing many of the symptoms listed above, you should seek help as soon as possible to prevent crippling depression from getting worse and to start feeling better.

If your child or teenager is experimenting severe depression symptoms, learn more about child therapy with The Better You Institute. 

What is the difference between crippling depression and clinical depression?

Clinical/Major Depression: When someone has crippling depressive symptoms, and other physical illnesses such as chronic pain, a lack of energy or motivation may be due to their condition rather than crippling depression. Clinical depression should also last at least two weeks in duration before being diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). You may have some symptoms of crippling depression but may not be diagnosed with MDD or severe depression. 

What’s the difference between crippling depression and a case of the blues?

A “case of the blues” is typically related to feelings that change when you’re in specific environments like home, work, or school. Feelings of sadness or hopelessness are symptoms of crippling depression but can be just a mood due to particular experiences. The prolonged period of sadness makes it crippling depression and having the other symptoms stated earlier. Crippling depressions usually involve consistently negative attitudes (pessimistic outlook) with no reprieve from them whatsoever.

Untreated crippling depression can lead to severe depression.  

What are some treatment options to improve crippling depression?

There may not be a specific strategy that will work for all people with crippling depressions, but the following treatments have been shown to help to improve mental and emotional health:

• Counseling or therapy
• Medication
• Meditation
• Socialization 
  • Spending time with people that make you happy
  • Joining a club or organization 
• Exercise
• Talk therapy

It’s important to treat symptoms of crippling depression to feel better and address specific triggers. You may know what causes some of your symptoms to worsen or start to reappear. In addition, many people find support groups helpful because they can meet others who understand what they are going through. You can learn from others’ experiences and what works for them. A therapist will also be able to help you based on their experiences with other clients. 

How to deal with crippling depression

It’s important to know that crippling depression is not your fault, and it can happen to anyone. It is also helpful to know that your depression does not need to persist! There are many ways to improve crippling depression that you can find independently or with a healthcare professional.

Some steps you can try to cope with crippling depression are:

• Talk to a therapist or counselor to improve your mental health
• Your doctor might prescribe antidepressants, which should be taken according to your doctor’s orders. Discuss with your doctor the side effects or do some research about common side effects before taking the medication. 
• Adopt a pet! Studies have shown that having a pet increases life expectancy and lowers blood pressure too.
• Try to do some yoga or go on walks; this helps move endorphins around the body, which relieves stress hormones (cortisol) from being used for energy when lactic acid builds up in muscles due to lack of use.
• Taking time away from social media will also help increase your mental health because it can trigger crippling depressive symptoms.

Conclusion:

The crippling depressive symptoms can be managed with assistance from a counselor or therapist. If you are experiencing crippling depressive symptoms, be sure to reach out for help and support before your crippling depression worsens. Call The Better You Institute today @ (267)*******51 to make an appointment with one of our depression therapists in Philadelphia, PA. A mental health professional on our team will be able to assist you with the process of overcoming crippling depression. 

If you live in Pennsylvania, we now offer online therapy to those who do feel they cannot leave their house or need therapy from further away. Your mental health matters, start improving it today!

The post How to Cope with Crippling Depression appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Some Covid-Related Anxiety is Good 

Some Covid Anxiety Will be Unexpected

Dealing with Covid Anxiety: Anxiety about the Future

Some Changes You Don’t Want to Give Up during Covid

Dealing with Covid Anxiety: You Had Time to Get to Know Yourself

How to Move Forward and Deal with Covid Anxiety… 

• Go at your own pace, practice self care
  • Do what feels right to you. 
  • If you are specifically anxious about seeing people in public places, take steps that feel comfortable to you. Evaluate how you feel and which thoughts are helpful or hurtful when you are out and about. 
• Make informed decisions in order to keep yourself and others safe and with a balanced mental health conditions 
  • Recognize that times are still uncertain, but it will not always be uncertain. 
• Keep in mind that not everyone has accurate knowledge, but they are well-intentioned 
  • Social media sites and loved ones are all trying to help those around them by spreading information about covid. It is ok to question where their information comes from and whether it is true. Everyone is trying their best with the situation at hand. 
• Trust your friends/family to be honest with their socialization choices and if they’ve come in contact with someone recently who has covid. 
  • Or maybe have your friends get tested prior to a hang out so that you don’t have to wear masks (e.g., on a bachelorette party or golf trip everyone gets tested first)
  • This might be difficult because you love your friends and don’t want them to feel uncomfortable. However, you also have to think about your own comfort level. 
• Expanding your pod and creating rules for what will help you to feel safe/comfortable
  • Creating rules for the people you socialize with can ease your covid anxiety.
• Learn and exercise the power of ‘no’ … set boundaries and expectations. Practicing self care matters!
• Practice social distancing when you feel you’re getting anxious
• Be okay with cutting ties with those who hold different beliefs from you… while also being okay with maintaining friendships with those who hold different beliefs as you
• Eat healthy and do physical activity. Healthy meals, a good nutrition, and physical activity will help you maintaining a good physical health and strong immune system
• Ask yourself why your values and beliefs are what they are and why someone else might believe and value differently than you. 
  • Can you work to see things from their perspective and still come to common ground to be able to continue in the relationship with them? 
• Practice mindfulness meditation 
  • By taking a few minutes each day to focus on the present moment instead of the uncertain future, you will be able to feel better. Acknowledging your thoughts and feelings without judgment is very helpful. A clinician at TBYI will be able to guide you through this process and help you live a happier life! 
    • A way to practice mindfulness is by taking a yoga class because many times yoga incorporates mindfulness without you even being aware of it. There are many online yoga classes or virtual yoga groups that you can join. 
• Practice CBT
  • CBT allows you to identify catastrophic thoughts and challenge them. Certain thoughts can be identified as helpful to the situation. Challenging and changing catastrophic thoughts will change your emotions and behaviors. Rather than constantly avoiding interaction, you might feel able to run errands again and meet up with a friend for lunch. Or rather than constantly worrying about the future, you may be able to stay grounded in the present. 

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Here you can find actionable strategies to overcome feelings of failure and boost your confidence. Discover how to set small goals, focus on your strengths, and practice self-care and positive self-talk.

The article also highlights the importance of seeking support from loved ones or professional therapists to navigate these tough emotions. If you’re feeling down, this guide offers practical steps to help you regain your sense of empowerment and move forward with confidence.

What does it mean to feel like a failure?

Have you caught yourself saying, “I’m a failure” or “I’m feeling like a total failure”? This is a common reaction when you don’t get that job you really wanted or you feel as if you messed up with your relationship or other aspects of your life. 

Before you know it, this overwhelming feeling takes over. You start to doubt yourself. You talk negatively to yourself, “you’re so stupid, why would you do that?!” or “you’re never going to get that job/partner/promotion/big lift at the gym/etc. If you keep this up!”

The idea of being successful feels so out of reach for you. You don’t believe that you’re good enough to achieve the thing you’re working toward, leading you to not believing in yourself at all. Instead, you feel inadequate, incompetent, and unworthy. 

Often when you feel like a failure, you don’t think there’s any help for you. You’re so broken that you’re unfixable. No training that you take will help you get further in your career. No amount of dating tips you read can get you a date. You become down on yourself, which tends to translate to looking down on the world. You start to doubt yourself in all of your abilities rather than just in one aspect of your life. 

You start to feel hopeless.

It feels terrible to feel this way, but it’s important to remember that these feelings are triggered emotions, and they don’t represent the most profound truths about who we are as people!

Why do I feel like a complete failure?

Feeling like a failure often stems from earlier messaging you received about yourself and what, over time, becomes our lived truth. Or at least what we think to be true about who we are. This message lies under the surface, subconsciously driving our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. 

You start to interact with the world in a way that plays this out. For example: If you heard from a person who played a significant role in your life, such as a parent or guardian, that “you’ll never amount to anything” repeatedly, eventually, as a survival technique, you start to believe this about yourself. You may also selectively attend to the instances in which you failed or did something wrong. By accepting this about yourself, you can connect with this parent figure. You are now on the same page. When you stop doing your homework, you affirm your parent’s belief that you’re lazy or have behavioral issues, which will cause you to not amount to anything in life. You help your parent feel correct, which in turn helps you feel good. You’re connected. 

How does this play out as an adult? You continue not to complete your tasks at work. You constantly miss deadlines. You are subconsciously driven by this message that you won’t amount to anything (e.g., you’ll never get the promotion, so why bother). Eventually, you get fired and have to move back in with your parents. They say, “See, I told you you’d never amount to anything.” This reaffirms the message you carry with you to continue the vicious cycle and leave you feeling like a failure.

Feeling like a failure may also just be that we’re going through an incredibly stressful time in our life. It feels like everything is happening at once. Your partner leaves for a long work trip, your dog dies, your family member is sick and in their last year of life, and you took on too many projects at work and feel overextended. These life events compound on you, leaving you struggling to find the positive. When something comes up that doesn’t go as you planned, the path to feeling like a failure is easy to find as you’re worn down and not at full capacity. We all have moments like this from time to time. Fortunately, these events will pass, and you can refill your cup and get back to a positive base level. 

What if I’m struggling with a lack of self-confidence too?

Understandably, you may not feel confident in your abilities if you feel like you failed the last task using them.

The good news is that regaining your self-confidence is possible! Look at these perceived failures as stepping stones to becoming the best version of yourself. Without failure, you cannot learn. Without failure, you cannot grow. It is in the dark, low times that we find parts of ourselves, such as determination, forgiveness of self, and self-empowerment, that we didn’t know existed. We can channel these parts to help us out of this feeling of failure and into self-confidence. 

Helpful ways to build your self-confidence back up: 

• Let yourself start small. A marathon runner doesn’t start their training with their 20 mile run, you don’t have to either. If you’re trying to get a promotion, start by simply writing down goals and objectives that will get you there. Overtime, work to reach each small goal. When you have a setback, go back to the last goal you achieved and revel in it or tweak it, and then work toward the next goal again. Find your determination in small bites. 
• Write down the things you are worthy of forgiveness in. Look into a mirror and tell yourself that you forgive yourself for the negative self-talk, for wanting to quit, and for getting angry or frustrated with yourself. 
• Remind yourself that you’re not just a failure, that you have successes and accomplishments. Write them in a journal to have concrete evidence of all that you’ve done.
  • Sometimes successes and accomplishments can be as small as making a friend smile after a heartbreak or completing an assignment on time, to brushing your teeth every day.
• Focus on the things you’re good at and balance these things with the ones you know are a bit more challenging for yourself. 
  • If you feel overly challenged, it is easy to lean into the feeling or need to quit. This then spirals into a lack of self-confidence and ultimately that feeling of failure. Instead, balance one challenging thing in your life with several things that you know you are good at and confident in.
• Take time every day to focus on specific positive qualities about yourself, such as your sense of humor, your warmth, or other attributes.
  • Pay attention to compliments you are given by loved ones as they know you the best! 
• Focus on the things you’re grateful for. Negativity will always try to steal our sense of power and purpose from us. Remembering what we’re thankful for can help remind us that there’s always something worth being proud of in life and in ourselves.

We all have moments of low self-confidence from time to time. No matter how often these feelings happen, all of us deserve the love and support from ourselves, as well as others to get through this tough time! It doesn’t mean we’re a failure or that our lives are meaningless. It does mean that we have a great opportunity to learn something about ourselves and work toward growth and forward movement.

What can we do when we feel Im a failure?

When you feel like a failure, your ultimate goal is to gain self-confidence back and believe in yourself to succeed the next time. There are a few things to do and remember to help take back our sense of power and purpose when we feel like a failure:

The first step is to remember that the feeling of failure is just that, a feeling. It is a response to an environmental cue. Although in the moment the feeling feels very real, it does not have to become your identity. Just because we’re feeling down right now doesn’t mean it will last forever or define you. 

Identifying failure as a feeling does not mean you should minimize or dismiss it. Labeling the feeling is important to the process. Giving it space to exist within you. Give yourself time to heal. You may also identify other feelings that come with the failure such as a loss of dignity or self-esteem. You will also be able to understand that it does not define you by labeling it as a feeling rather than a personality trait.

Next, explore why it is failure that you feel versus something else. Take the example from above, that person will realize it’s the messaging they received from their parents about never amounting to anything that led him to feeling like a failure. However, if they can point out successes in their life to challenge these messages, they may mind that they feel something else. Perhaps they identify excitement to learn from a mistake, or empowerment to make changes. When you stop to think about where the feeling is coming from, sometimes you can challenge it’s existence by pointing out evidence to the contrary. 

If exploring this feeling on your own continues to lead you to feeling like a failure talk about your feelings with someone who won’t judge you, such as a close friend, sibling or parent. Here they can hear your feelings and really see you in them. Allow them to validate where you’re coming from but then gently challenge or propose a different perspective to the one you have that leads you to feeling like a failure. Leaning on our loved ones let’s us know that we’re not alone and that feeling this way is normal sometimes. 

If you continue to feel like a failure after you’ve done some self-exploration and you’ve had conversations with your loved ones but nothing seems to get you out of this funk, it may be time to speak to an expert. Asking for help from someone who is an expert in the area of failure, such a therapist or life coach, may be helpful to dive deeper into the narratives that led you here. They can provide a safe space to be vulnerable with yourself and learn from this experience.

Lastly, it is important to learn how to accept change without comparing yourself to others. What matters most is how you feel about yourself, regardless of whether or not other people are happy with your accomplishments. In addition, each person has their strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, it’s not a fair comparison when considering our differences. Focus on your strengths and commend yourself for them while learning from your weaknesses. 

The power in focusing on being in the moment rather than dwelling on the past or future too long.

Being present with yourself is essential. If we dwell on the past or future too long, it can often look like there’s nothing worth being proud of and that our life is meaningless. You can get stuck in negative self-talk and doubtful feelings, which keeps you in the past. Or, you can worry yourself to exhaustion if you go too far in the future. 

We need to take time every day and focus on where we are right now. Whether we are able to focus on our positive qualities about ourselves, such as our sense of humor or other good traits, or tuning into things that we want to experience growth in, such as assertiveness or boundaries. As you take time every day to be with yourself, you will learn who you are, what you need, and the direction to getting these things. 

Sitting with yourself to learn truly who you are can be helpful in moving out of failure. Many people who feel like a failure oftentimes measure themselves against something that was never articulated prior to the feeling presenting itself. Using what you’ve learned about yourself, you can measure what success actually looks like and feels like to you. You now will have a concrete way to measure success versus failure, and have insights as to what to change and a direction for how to go about doing so. 

When you feel you’ve spent ample time with yourself and being in the moment, take a moment each day to think about what you’re grateful for. Negativity as a tendency to steal your power from you and run the show. Negativity can give you the sense that there’s nothing worth being proud of in life. Being thankful can help remind us that there’s always something worth being appreciative of, even if it doesn’t always seem like it.

How can we deal with feelings of failure and regain our sense of empowerment?

Dealing with feelings of failure and depression can be difficult, especially when we’re going through a tough time in life. It can also feel like all of our efforts are for nothing and that the failures define who we are as people.

There’s always something worth being proud of, no matter how many times you’ve failed in the past. It is important to dive deep into your past or internal experiences to find meaning and remind yourself that you’re not a failure. Remember, failure is a feeling, not an identity. 

As mentioned above, it is important to give yourself time and space to heal from the hit to your dignity and self-esteem. Spend time with yourself exploring this feeling and where it came from, talk about your feelings with someone who can create space and listen to you. A therapist will also be able to listen and provide the support you need. You deserve love and support just like every other person in this world, no matter how often you feel like a failure.

Through this process, let yourself feel empowered. You will feel the power that is self-exploration. You will know you have the love and support behind you from friends and family to get you through anything. You will have the safety of a therapist to be vulnerable and experience new ways of interacting and being. 

The importance of self-love and self-care when dealing with feelings of failure.

In dark times, it is difficult to find love for yourself. However, you deserve to feel loved and cared for no matter how many times you feel like you’ve failed in the past. You’re not a failure. Your life is meaningful. 

Knowing the difference between “I am a failure” and “I failed” is important when thinking about your ability to give yourself love and care during this time. I am a failure is more of an identity and tends to be more permanent. I failed is a behavior that was done and can be fixed or rectified and isn’t permanent.

Telling yourself that you failed gives space for you to make changes and move forward. Take the space to find your determination, forgiveness, and empowerment that was discussed above. Know that there is a tomorrow and you can right things then. Today, however, let yourself be in the feelings. 

Tell yourself that it will be okay, nothing is that permanent that you can’t change it. Ask yourself what you need to get through this. For some people, it may be time with friends and family, for others it may be alone time. You may decide to treat yourself to a bubble bath or a cold beer. 

Some self-care techniques can be both self-care and reckless depending on how they are used. When done in moderation, self-care can be very restorative. However, it is easy in times of failure to over indulge and want to numb out. Monitor your self-care activities. Are you feeling more relaxed and confident or have you surpassed that and now you feel out of control and numb? 

Give yourself permission to lean into positive self-talk, self-love, and self-care. You deserve it. Failing at something doesn’t mean you have to punish yourself. Quite the opposite in fact. When we fail is when we need the most love, compassion, and support. 

Acknowledge that everyone feels this way sometimes, even people who seem to have it all together.

When you are down on yourself, it is easy to look at others in awe, to see them as “having it all together.” This is especially true given current social media trends. Remembering that everyone has their challenges and struggles to face, even people who seem to have it all together can be helpful to normalize your experience. 

Share your story. Oftentimes, sharing your story can be cathartic and helps us feel connected. By sharing your story, you may give permission to others for them to share their story. Through common strife comes connection. Knowing that you are not alone offers solace to our pain. 

While sharing your story can be helpful, try not to get bogged down in a tool or technique that worked for your loved one as it may not work for you. Everyone is different and what you need now may be different than what someone else needed for their situation. Check in with yourself and ask if what they did would be helpful or a hindrance to you and your journey. It’s okay to do things differently. 

Summary of tips for overcoming feelings of being a failure

• Acknowledge the feelings of being a complete failure, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Unfortunately, our society makes it seem like a weakness for us to ask for help but we are not meant to deal with issues alone. We are social beings. 
• Focus on the present. Be with yourself. Dwelling on the past or future too long can spin us out and prevent us from making any progress.
• Be gentle with yourself. Practice self-love, positive self-talk, and self-care. Know that you are not alone and that this is all very common for people who struggle to feel confident. 
• Talk back when negative thoughts come up about how terrible a person you are! It’s not true, and it doesn’t help anything. It takes time, but our minds can change with the proper support from ourselves and others.
• Acknowledge what’s happening in your life–sometimes it helps just to put a name on how you’re feeling.
• Take care of yourself–there are so many ways to do this, and it doesn’t have to be something big! We all deserve to feel good in our skin and make choices that support us in feeling the best we can about ourselves. Find things that you enjoy doing, make room for them in your life even if they’re small or just on the weekends when we have more time to think about ourselves a little bit.
• Focus on people you’re grateful for every day (or even just one person) and what they mean to you, or maybe just how lucky you are that someone is in your life.
• Ask for help from these people. Share your story. Share common ground as everyone has felt like a failure at one point in their life. 
• Failure to many is a lack of success. However, people get the sense they failed without really knowing how they measured success. Be concrete in how you are measuring success and failure. Make it realistic. 

These steps can be difficult sometimes, but they can also help us find the strength to keep going when we feel like a complete failure. Maybe it’s in knowing that this feeling is common or just finding someone who understands what you’re going through. It doesn’t have to be permanent, and we can do things about how we feel.

Conclusion

Almost everyone will come across feelings of being a complete failure from time to time. It doesn’t have to be something we’ll always feel, and it certainly isn’t a reflection of our worth as people. Just because you’re feeling these feelings doesn’t make them accurate about who you are.

If you need some inspiration, here are a few quotes on the feeling of failure.

If you hear yourself saying “I’m a failure” or are struggling with self-confidence and believe that you need help, call us today and talk to one of our specialized mental health and depression therapists in Philadelphia, PA on this matter. If you feel like you cannot come to an office setting, we also offer online therapy.

The post Feeling Like I Am a Failure: How to Find Confidence appeared first on The Better You Institute.

We are addressing you to help in stopping Asian hate crimes. In the wake of more horrific hate crimes materializing from racism and oppression, we reach out to you to check-in and let you know we are here to support you. Just as the deaths of so many Black Americans have hit us so profoundly, we are saddened by the events against Asian Americans, too. We give condolences to those who have been on the receiving end of any of these Asian hate crimes!

It’s okay to have feelings

Again, we face the question: What can we do as a company to show our support and use our positioning to help end racism and oppression and stop Asian hate? As a whole, people continue to be our top priority. Our intentions are to create space for you to process anything that is coming up for you. Some of our clients have already started to address their emotions and feelings that have presented themselves with such hate crimes. We want to encourage you to reach out to a therapist with anything that may be affecting you from these events. It is normal to have various emotions when thinking about the hate shown against Asian Americans. You might be feeling scared, hopeless, helpless, guilty, or shameful while also feeling hopeful for change or excited to be a part of the change. We are here to support you in these feelings and let you know that it’s okay to have these emotions.

The Better You Institute continues to stand for the notion of authenticity, acceptance, genuineness, and openness to change. Our clinicians also continue to check in with themselves to address their own opinions and privileges in hopes of giving you the best care we can. In doing so, we acknowledge our faults and mistakes. We want to own if we’ve played a role in the negative experiences of Asian Americans. We strive to be better and lead by example.

Hateful crimes are not okay: Stop asian hate crimes

As such, we stand by the notion that these hateful acts are not okay and that we do not support any of the harmful deeds done against Asian Americans. Although we stand firm in this ideology against hate crimes, some of you may not know where you stand. The clinicians here at The Better You Institute can help you process what is happening and what you want your role to be within the process. We want to establish ourselves as a resource, a safe space, and a building block to your exploration and growth. All of us are honored to be involved in your development in such an intimate way and strive to continue to do our best.

While you think about your positioning, we encourage you to make sure you take care of yourself. As always, we urge you to practice self-care whenever possible. For this reason, we have compiled a list of self-care items that you can take part in.

Self-Care During a Social Justice Movement

• Listen to yourself, be kind to yourself, give yourself what you need at the moment
• Let yourself Feel, Think, Act
• Don’t take outward action if you don’t have the energy, if it’s too triggering, or if you just can’t.
• Surround yourself with like-minded folx
• Surround yourself with someone who thinks differently and can add depth to your perspective through diversity in a forward-moving dialogue
• Maintain stability in the stable things
  • Wake up time and bedtime
  • Working out
  • Eating healthy
  • Water intake
  • Checking-in with yourself
  • Indulge in something that brings you joy: watching TV, listening to music, reading, cooking, sewing, physical activity, model cars, botany, being outside, video games
• Listen to music that moves you
• Meditate
• Get out in nature
• Turn on/off your social media
• Take action that feels good to you that supports the cause
  • Donate (time/money)
    • https://stopaapihate.org/actnow/
    • https://nymag.com/strategist/article/where-to-donate-to-help-asian-communities-2021.html
    • https://www.gofundme.com/c/act/stop-aapi-hate
    • 9 Organizations to donate to right now
    • https://stopasianhate.carrd.co
  • Attend a protest
  • Listen and create dialogue around racism and stopping hate crimes
  • Reach out to your political leaders/representatives, write them, tweet them, get their attention and say that THIS IS NOT RIGHT!
  • Vote
  • Buy Asian
• Listen, Watch, Read, and Learn about the Asian American hate crimes
  • Read articles and books
  • Watch videos, documentaries, or television shows
  • Listen to podcasts and music
  • Follow people on social media that teach or curate conversations with the public
  • https://anti-asianviolenceresources.carrd.co
  • https://linktr.ee/asiansformentalhealth
• Don’t burn yourself out!
  • Start small. Every little thing you do counts toward something big.

If you find yourself struggling with hate crimes, be sure to contact our therapists in Philadelphia. We also offer online therapy sessions for those who love further away or do not feel comfortable in a one-on-one therapy session!

 We are all in this together, and we want to promote equality the best we can. Again, we hope that you hear this as supportive and open to a journey of change.

The post Stop Asian Hate Crimes appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Learn to identify how narcissists manipulate their partners with excessive affection, only to withdraw and abuse them later. Recognizing signs like inconsistent behavior, boundary violations, and a need for constant admiration can help you avoid or escape such abusive relationships. Maintaining personal boundaries and seeking therapy are important for emotional well-being and healthy relationships. If you suspect you’re caught in this cycle, take action now to protect yourself and seek support.

What is narcissist love bombing?

Love bombing is when you are showered with non-stop gifts, compliments, and attention. This begins a cycle of psychological abuse where the love bomber withholds love and attention to manipulate you. Being showered with love can feel so good! It can be an instant confidence boost to feel so wanted and appreciated by someone. Yet, something doesn’t feel sincere. You can’t put your finger on it, but it’s there. You may have become your partner’s narcissistic supply’ (i.e., a fix to boost their ego). 

An Example of The Narcissistic Abuse Love Bombing Cycle

Stage One: Love Bombing

To give you an example of love bombing, I will tell you the story of Andrea. Andrea had been dating her boyfriend, Mike, for about a year. She recently ended the relationship due to him cheating on her. After the breakup, Mike started showering her with the most beautiful love letters she’s ever been given, along with thoughtful expensive gifts. Andrea was at once swept away, yet suspicious. Mike had never acted like this in their relationship, not even in the beginning. His character was inconsistent; He was hot and cold.

Andrea’s attempts to understand Mike’s new behaviors left her confused. His grandiose gestures felt manic to Andrea. Mike was attempting to recapture their love at an unnatural pace. Andrea felt overwhelmed by this attention to the point where she found herself disoriented.

Mike’s new behaviors, though confusing, left Andrea feeling hopeful, but she needed space to process her feelings accurately. However, Mike would not give Andrea the space she needed. He feared that Andrea’s space would create distance between them, and she would leave him again, which would be detrimental to his self-esteem. Andrea’s rejection was a blow to his fragile ego. He needed Andrea back to feel good about himself (i.e., Mike needed a narcissistic supply).

Logically, Andrea knew this push/pull cycle would continue. Yet, torn because, on an emotional level, she wanted the love that Mike promised her. There was a part of her that felt loved by the actions he was taking. However, she saw ahead to the endless cycle of Mike resorting back to lousy behavior once he got bored and then begging for her back once she leaves.

Stage Two: Devalue

Andrea attempted to set a boundary. She reached out to Mike, stating that she cares for Mike but that it wouldn’t be possible for her to trust him again. She would not like to get back together, and she would also appreciate it if he stopped contacting her. Mike continued to pursue her despite her explicit request that he stop contacting her. He became enraged. How could she reject him after he had spent so much time and money on her to get her back? He persisted and stated to Andrea that she didn’t “know who she was messing with” and would “never get another guy like him.” Andrea blocked him on all forms of communication platforms. Then the gifts in the mail started. Mike started sending gifts that were over the top and, at times, bizarre.

Andrea would only unblock Mike briefly to ask him again to please leave her alone for good. She even threatened to go to the police. The gifts kept coming in the mail and were getting weirder. Mike felt entitled to Andrea’s attention, and her refusal to respond enraged him. The devaluing process of the narcissistic abuse love bombing cycle had begun with Mike not respecting Andrea’s boundaries, threatening her, and putting her down. The narcissistic devaluation phase is clear when he objectified her to feed his ego. 

Stage 3: Discard

If Andrea had fallen for his narcissistic love bomb, Mike would have started his narcissistic relationship patterns all over again. The narcissistic emotional abuse cycle would go like this: Love bomb → devalue –> discard → hoover. Following Mike’s love bomb, he would have begun to devalue her through criticisms, gaslighting, and passive-aggressive jokes. After pent-up tension, some form of an explosion would occur, potentially leading to the relationship being discarded and/or Mike cheating on Andrea again. 

Stage 4: Hoovering

After discarding the relationship, the person driving the narcissistic abuse cycle will likely hoover. Hoovering involves various manipulative tactics to stay close to the survivor; Examples include: insincere apologies, reaching out randomly, reaching out on important dates, desperately needing help, making grandiose promises, etc. If you recognize that you are in the hoovering part of the abuse cycle, the best thing you can do to protect yourself is to end contact, and hopefully, the narcissist will find a new supply source to feed their ego.

Check List of Warning Signs for The Narcissistic Abuse Love Bombing Cycle 

Things to look for in your partner:

• Is there something about the person’s character that seems inconsistent? Are they hot and cold – One day, they are clingy and smothering, and the next day they ignore your calls/texts?
• Does the pacing of the relationship make sense?

• When they give you compliments, do they feel like they’re somewhat about themselves? For example: That shirt I bought you looks good on you; I have excellent taste, huh!? 
• Does this person seem possessive and checks in all the time but frames it that they are doing it for your safety? 
• They violate your boundaries: you set a limit such as: “I’m not ready for you to meet my children yet, please do not come over to my house this weekend,” and then your narcissistic partner stops by to “surprise” you in the middle of the day with candy for your children. Or, you ask them not to contact you and state that you will reach out at night after your children have gone to bed, but they call you several times throughout the day to ask what you’re doing. 
• Are they short-tempered or frequently become excessively angry? 
• Do they cut you off while you’re talking despite them asking you a question? 
• Are they demeaning/critical toward you? 
• Do they have a high sense of grandeur seeming full of themselves without much to back it up? 
• Do they constantly need reassurance and praise?
• Are they entitled? 
• Do they use their loved ones (family, friends)? 

Things to pay attention to within yourself: 

• Do you feel overwhelmed /disoriented by the attention?
• Are you not given the space to process your feelings properly?
• Is your intuition/gut giving you pause about pursuing the relationship with this person?
• Do you feel criticized or small within the relationship? 
• Do you feel a sense of autonomy or agency within this relationship?
• When you have hope for positive things in the relationship, do they come to fruition, or are you often left lead on and disappointed? 
• Are you starting not to trust yourself?
• Do your boundaries feel violated regularly?

Healthy versus Unhealthy Relationships

Not all partners sending you love letters and flowers are narcissistically love bombing. To be love bombed is to be included in the narcissistic abuse cycle often associated with the abuser having a narcissistic personality disorder. Think back to the red flags discussed above. In a healthy relationship, both partners will consent to the pace. Love will build over time as you learn about and accept each other’s strengths and flaws. 

In a healthy relationship, there is:

• Equal respect, trust, and honesty
• You can enjoy spending time away from each other
• Your choices are mutual
• Each person feels like an equal partner in finances

In contrast, in an unhealthy relationship, there is typically an imbalance of power. One of the partners may feel entitled to overstep the other person’s boundaries in the abuse cycle. 

Things to watch out for in an abusive love bombing relationship:

• Controlling behaviors
• Isolating you from friends or family
• Feeling entitled to all of your passwords and content of conversations
• Accusing you of cheating and then making you prove your trustworthiness
• gas-lighting (manipulating someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity)

In Closing, Protect Yourself from Love Bombing

You never need to give up your sense of physical/emotional safety and security for another’s comfort. Are you ignoring your boundaries and needs in favor of someone else’s? No rationale makes that okay. Even if you think you are helping the person, you may be giving them the message that their actions are ok. A relationship should be mutually satisfying. Be sure to check in with your feelings regularly. If you find yourself worrying about your partner’s happiness more than your own, then do some reflecting, it could be an abusive relationship. Once you’ve reflected, try to restore a sense of balance by setting boundaries. Gauge your partner’s reactions to your limitations or expectations. If your partner tries to intimidate you into a power imbalance, then it may be time for you to move on.

If you are struggling to find balance in your relationship or, after having read this article, are fearing you are caught in an abuse cycle and need help getting out, you might benefit from talking with an individual therapist or a relationship therapist in Philadelphia, PA. If you do not live in the Philadelphia area, we also offer online relationship therapy & counseling sessions. Please feel free to reach out to us for a consultation with the contact form below.

Read our article about the children of narcissists to find out how your children may be affected!

Contact us for a therapist in Philadelphia.

Courtney Miller, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a warm, empathetic approach, specializing in children, teens, and young adults, including the LGBTQ+ community. Utilizing her artistic background, she employs creative and experiential methods in therapy. Courtney focuses on overcoming mood disorders, trauma, and relational dynamics, particularly addressing C-PTSD and narcissistic wounds. She emphasizes understanding patterns and enhancing existing strengths, offering tools like mindfulness and thought reframing. With a BA in Psychology and Fine Art from SUNY New Paltz and an MA in Mental Health Counseling from CUNY Brooklyn, she has experience in family dynamics and LGBTQ+ youth support. Based in Philadelphia, Courtney enjoys crafting, travel, biking, and spending time with loved ones.

Learn more about Courtney Miller ⇒

The post Narcissist Love Bombing Cycle and Narcissistic Abuse appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Decision paralysis anxiety can make even simple choices feel overwhelming, causing stress and avoidance. To overcome it, balance your emotions and logic. Start by making a pros and cons list for each option. Having knowledge of your values and how they affect your decisions can also help. If you’re still stuck, consider talking to a therapist. These steps can help you make decisions with confidence and reduce your anxiety.

What is decision paralysis anxiety?

Weighty decisions may lead to immense anxiety. What usually happens when we have anxiety? Most people go into fight, flight, or freeze mode—the first allowing us to decide while the latter two render us in a limbo state. Anxiety tends to lead to an avoidance of making a decision entirely, or we’re frozen in our thoughts and can’t think clearly, leaving us with nagging discomfort. This nagging discomfort will remind us every so often that we need to make a change. For some of us, it is easier to be a passenger in life and much harder to take a risk and make an informed change. However, if we do nothing and remain in decision paralysis, we may end up with regrets.        

How our Values Influence our Decisions

At the core of our most important decisions lie our values. When we don’t live within our values, our sense of purpose may wane. For example, let’s say someone is struggling with the decision to have children. The person in the example, let’s call them “Sally,” values what may feel like two conflicting ideas: family and independence. These two values create a potential dilemma for the individual, leading to decision paralysis. Sally’s value of family may lead them to consider having children. However, this may be at odds with the value of independence, which may be compromised if this person decides to have children.

Pros and Cons Exercise to Help with Decision Paralysis Anxiety

The first step for Sally, naturally, is to create a list of pros and cons. In the scenario previously mentioned, a list of pros and cons may look like this:

 How do the Pros and Cons Relate to your Values?

In this hypothetical situation, let’s say this person has narrowed their values down to independence, creativity, fulfillment, family, and romance. This person may need to reflect on which decision would allow them to live mostly within their values and which pros and cons are more related to fears that might be worth the risk. For example, a pro to having kids might be that “I will have warmth, love, security, laughter, and fun,” which relates to this person’s values of fulfillment, family, and creativity. A con such as “my body will change” might be related less to a value and more to a fear, in which case it might be helpful to take into consideration and understand where the fear is coming from. Of course, there will be many other emotions involved in this decision. Try to be mindful of other emotions that come up. Write them down and decide which pros and cons bring up which emotion.

Checklist of Pros and Cons Exercise

         Here is a checklist of the preparation stage before chair work:

1. Define the dilemma and develop the choices to pick from 
   1. • Dilemma: I have a choice to make that brings up conflicting values: family and independence
      • Choices: 
        1. To have children
        2. To not have children
        3. There may be more choices depending on what your dilemma is and how many values it triggers.
2. Create a list of Pros and Cons
   1. • Copy your list here
3. Make a list of your feelings
   1. • Fear
      • Excited
      • Curious
4. List out your values
   1. • Independence
      • Family
      • Creativity
      • Fulfillment
      • Romance
5. Go back to #2, and next to each of them, write the emotion from #3 that pertain to the pro/con
6. Go back to #2, and next to each of them, write the values that pertain to that pro/con from #4

Chairwork Introduction

Let’s walk through the above example of a dilemma needing a decision utilizing ‘Gestalt decisional chairwork’ often used by therapists practicing Gestalt Therapy. Gestalt Therapy is an experiential therapy that focuses on the here and now. Chairwork usually starts with two chairs. Each chair represents an abstract idea or an absent person in the client’s life. When trying to make a decision, each chair will represent one option of a decision. In the example of the person who is deciding whether or not to have children, one chair would mean having children, and the other chair would represent not having children.

Listen to your Gut Feelings

Once you have reflected on values and pros and cons, it is time to engage in the actual chairwork. Chairwork considers feelings. You are making the logical arguments that you listed in your pros and cons, but additionally, you see what it feels like to embody the decision entirely. In making an argument for one side, though you might make logical arguments, something might not feel quite right when you say your opinion out loud and try to convince yourself to move forward with that decision. Speaking from each side of your decision, typically, one side will start to feel like it resonates with you more. You might also notice the emotions you listed above coming up. Try not to fret if it doesn’t. Your mind often works on problems in the background of your consciousness. You might suddenly wake up one morning from a dream that puts everything into perspective. 

Steps in Chairwork

In keeping the objective of tuning into feelings, it is time to start the chairwork exercise. Below is a full checklist of steps to take in decisional chairwork:

• Set up three chairs: a chair for each of your decisions. In the hypothetical situation, the two choices would be: To have kids versus not to have kids. Additionally, set up one for you to sit in and reflect on after the exercise.
• Assign which chair is which decision and which chair is the reflective seat.
• Using your pros and cons list, stand in the back of each chair, and use your list to argue for that decision. You can make this argument out loud. Pretend you are having a conversation with yourself and try to make an argument to yourself from that standpoint. 

Example

• In our example, Sally would stand behind whichever decision they want first. Let’s say they stand behind the chair, which represents the decision to have children. Sally should try to speak from their heart and just let the words flow. They would stand behind this chair and perhaps say, out loud, something like this: 
  • “If you don’t have kids, you may regret it and end up alone in your old age. You will miss out on the joy of watching your children grow.”
• Once you feel you have argued from that side, move to behind the next chair and argue for that decision.
• You can go back and forth as many times as feels right
• After doing this as often as feels right, usually, a side starts to feel more “right.”

Reflection

• Once a decision has started to form, you can sit in each chair and continue to argue from each side. Sitting in the chair symbolizes fully embodying that decision. It can feel a lot different standing behind the chair versus sitting in the chair.
• After you feel a strong lean to one side, sit in the chair that does not represent a decision and reflect on your experience. Things to think about while reflecting: How does my body feel about each decision? Am I experiencing fear or intuition? Which decision feels worth the risk? What emotions does each decision bring up in me? How do I understand my feelings right now? Does one decision feel better than the other? 

Conclusion

Sometimes our subconscious knows our decision before our conscious selves do. Below each pro and con sometimes is an internal conflict that can be related to much deeper fears. For this reason, listening to your feelings can prevent you from having an uneasy feeling after making a decision that didn’t feel quite right. Listening to your heart and mind can help you live the life you most need and desire.

After reading this article, you may be thinking to yourself, “This seems like it’d be helpful but is also complex.” Try the exercise. If you didn’t get what you needed out of it, it might be most beneficial to have an anxiety therapist guide you through making your lists and having conversations between each of the decisions. Or, you feel good about where you got with the exercise but are still struggling to act on the conclusion that you made. You may be experiencing more feelings than you listed and need help processing them.

A therapist can help you to process these feelings along with helping you process barriers to your success. Call us today at 267-495-4951 or contact us to see how we might be able to help.

We are also offering online therapy sessions if you do not wish to seek in-person therapy.

Courtney Miller, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a warm, empathetic approach, specializing in children, teens, and young adults, including the LGBTQ+ community. Utilizing her artistic background, she employs creative and experiential methods in therapy. Courtney focuses on overcoming mood disorders, trauma, and relational dynamics, particularly addressing C-PTSD and narcissistic wounds. She emphasizes understanding patterns and enhancing existing strengths, offering tools like mindfulness and thought reframing. With a BA in Psychology and Fine Art from SUNY New Paltz and an MA in Mental Health Counseling from CUNY Brooklyn, she has experience in family dynamics and LGBTQ+ youth support. Based in Philadelphia, Courtney enjoys crafting, travel, biking, and spending time with loved ones.

Learn more about Courtney Miller ⇒

The post Decision Paralysis Anxiety and How To Cope With It appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Struggling to get out of bed when you’re depressed is tough, but there are ways to make it easier. Establishing effective bedtime and morning routines can boost your motivation. Setting goals, using motivational quotes, and seeking support from friends, family, or therapists can also help. If self-help strategies aren’t enough, consider reaching out to a depression therapist for additional support. Take the first step towards feeling better today.

Depression, Motivation, & Treatment

A lack of motivation to go about daily activities is common with depression. When you’re experiencing a lack of motivation, it can be hard to find a reason to get out of your warm comfy blankets and go to work, school, or whatever your responsibilities might be. This is especially true if you aren’t getting pleasure from your daily activities.

Part of your depression treatment may specifically target a lack of motivation to get out of bed and go about daily activities. This article will help you identify helpful bedtime routines and enjoyable morning habits that will help motivate you to wake up, get out of bed, and out the door.

What are the reasons I can’t wake up and get out of bed?

Upbringing –

The first step in overcoming a lack of motivation to get up in the morning is exploring the issue’s roots. The causes of your lack of motivation will help you identify ways to get out of it and your depression. What is at the core of your issues? Did you grow up around people who didn’t value you the way you deserved? Did you learn that a new day just represented another day of getting put down, feeling helpless, and devalued? You may have difficulty letting go of past beliefs about yourself and the world. Or your environment taught you that the world is a dangerous place. Have your experiences made you believe that you are helpless? You may have heard the term “Learned Helplessness,” which can lead to an overall depression. A person who grows up in what feels like an inescapable environment is likely to internalize a sense of helplessness. Learned helplessness is adaptive. Something exciting, though, learned helplessness is reversible! If you learned it, you could unlearn it.

Consider how continuing to devalue yourself results in you doing the work of your oppressor. Don’t be your oppressor! What might it be like to be responsible for a vulnerable person’s well-being? Would you be more gentle, more careful, more attentive, more forgiving? Embody these qualities in your relationship with yourself; you ARE in charge of your well-being! You deserve to wake up and feel good about your morning. Strategies for getting out of bed when you are struggling with depression can help get you there.

Current Life –

Depression doesn’t always develop from an invalidating upbringing. There may be systematic barriers to alleviating your depression, such as -not being employed, living in poverty, dealing with discrimination in the workforce or educational setting, racism, sexism, ageism, ableism – to name a few. This can leave you having difficulty getting up in the morning because it feels like the world is against you. Further, your community may also contribute to a sense of isolation. These situations are not easily escapable. That’s where reaching out to your social network can come in handy. Your friends and family can help you implement strategies for getting out of bed when struggling with depression. It’s ok to need help with your depression treatment. Try to surround yourself with people that lift you and help you make that change. S.E. Hinton, the author of The Outsiders, suffered from depression. Her boyfriend held her accountable for writing two pages a day. Great things can be accomplished with little steps every day.

New Habits To Beat Depression & Get Out of Bed in the Morning

Unfortunately, depression can’t be fixed overnight. However, your nighttime and morning habits can be empowering, which in turn could help heal some of your depression. The following are some suggestions to help you develop personalized wake-up strategies for getting out of bed when you are struggling with depression to feel your best. Bear in mind, what works for others may not be ideal for you. Keep an open mind and remember change takes practice! If one suggestion isn’t helpful, try not to get discouraged. All of these are invitations. Expect to have days where you aren’t able to implement your identified strategies. The process of change sometimes involves taking a step backward. The important part is to accept this as part of the process and to try again. It will most likely take many tries for a strategy to take hold. All of this is a productive struggle. During this period, you are testing different approaches, and even a misstep can teach you the things that don’t work and steer you in the right direction.

Bedtime Routine

Action steps for an effective bedtime routine:

• Keep a consistent night’s sleep/wake schedule (this helps your body start to decompress naturally around your bedtime).
• Have a bedtime routine where you do everything in the same order each night
• Drink herbal calming tea
• Read/watch TV for a set amount of time (wear blue light blocking glasses if you use electronics close to bedtime)
• Check out triggering information (e.g., news, social media, difficult conversations with your partner)
• Check into mindless entertainment
• Write your ‘to-do list for the next day
• Stretch (Youtube is great for finding short stretching routines)
• Limit cell phone use
• Write in a grateful journal
• Write down at least three things you did well that day and one thing you’re going to try to work on for tomorrow
• Have a jubilant/relaxing pillow talk with your partner
• Have sex/masturbate
• Set your alarm if you don’t have it on a daily alarm already
• Write a few inspirational notes for yourself- your favorite quotes, list inspirational people- if your bed is against a wall, put the notes at eye level, so if you roll over while trying to go back to sleep, you will see the note.
• If you find you are not getting to sleep within 15- 30 minutes, get up and do a relaxing activity in low light until you feel sleepy again. This will prevent you from associating your bed with worrying. Your bed should only be associated with sleep or sex.

Action steps that might be helpful for a good night’s rest:

• Avoid caffeine in the afternoon/evening (Caffeine can have a 10-hour effect!)
• Calming essential oils or scents to spray on your freshly cleaned sheets or pillow
• Mindfulness/meditation app: Calm; Headspace
• A notepad next to your bed in case you come up with ideas or have thoughts about the next day that you don’t want to forget. Instead of ruminating on the thing so that you don’t forget it in your mind, it will be written next to you to find the next day.
• Your favorite pajamas or sleep naked – research shows that sleeping naked is best for your body’s recovery
• A good, in shape, mattress to give you a good night’s sleep
• A good pillow
• Nice sheets that are comfortable and not scratchy
• A noise machine is helpful if you are a light sleeper and have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep with noise
• A sleeping mask if there is a street light close to your window or you like it extra dark
• Earplugs if your partner snores or if there tend to be loud noises while you’re sleeping
• A treat to look forward to in the morning. For example, if you like chocolate, try placing a single piece of chocolate on the nightstand, or maybe buy yourself a quality tea or coffee to look forward to.

Morning Routine

Once you have made some preparations the night before to set yourself up for success, try these additional strategies for the morning for days you can’t wake up:

Actions to take to wake up in the morning:

• Hone in on what is going on in your mind when you first wake up. Are you going through what the rest of your day is going to be like? Remember, we are not fortune-tellers; we don’t know how the rest of the day will go. Focus on how you can make this moment of your day feel good.
• Put your alarm across the room. Make it, so you have to get up to turn it off.
• Have someone hold you accountable- have a family member or friend provide you with a wake-up video call. Make sure it’s someone who reminds you to turn the lights on before getting off the phone!
• Spend a few minutes in the morning listening to (and maybe dancing too!) a song you like. Studies show that music can alter our mood and release “feel-good chemicals.”
• Watch your favorite show with your morning coffee.
• Do light stretching.
• Get up with your alarm the first time; research shows that continuing to go back to sleep will only make you more groggy.
• Cuddle with your partner
• Have sex/masturbate
• Tell yourself three things that you’re looking forward to in your day (even on those days that have a lot of downsides to them)
• Snuggle with your children
• Give yourself time to sneak into your children’s room before they wake up so you can watch them innocently sleep. Enjoy the small moments.
• Train your pet to come into your bedroom to wake you up.
• Though we can’t fortune tell, we can set intentions for how we want our day to go. We can create goals for ourselves. Research shows if we set intentions for the day, we are more likely to accomplish them.

Items to help you wake up in the morning:

• A nice, weather-appropriate outfit that prepares you to feel confident and comfortable. This can be useful, especially if you know you are going to have a tough day. For instance, if you know, it will be a super cold day and you dislike the cold, try to mentally prepare and plan an extra nice, bundled outfit to wear.
• A vision board of your goals. No matter how much work you’ve done to set yourself up for a great day, there are going to be days where you simply are not looking forward to your daily responsibilities. Thinking about reaching an end goal can help motivate you to get through the less enjoyable parts of your day. A vision board is an excellent reminder of what you’re working so hard for.
• A more natural alarm clock, such as mimicking the sun rising.
• A coffee maker/water boiler for your bedroom to have coffee or tea right as you get out of bed
• A broad-spectrum light (sometimes called happy lamps). This can be especially good in the winter when there is less sun.
• A soap, candle, or incense with a scent you enjoy. The aromatherapy will awaken your senses while you get ready in the morning.

Take Away: Motivation to get out of bed in the morning

To get out of bed motivated, create a morning routine with enjoyable activities, place your alarm far away, and plan engaging tasks like exercise or meditation. Set goals the night before, and use motivational quotes as your alarm label for an inspiring start to the day. When we are depressed, the pleasure center of our brain sometimes needs a jump start. Engaging in satisfactory bedtime and morning habits you previously enjoyed or surrounding yourself with your favorite things can activate your brain’s reward center and get you motivated to engage in life.

Once you have found a few strategies for getting out of bed when struggling with depression, put them into practice! The day ahead might seem scary. You might feel like you can’t handle it. Everybody feels this way sometimes. Find a way to inspire yourself to meet the challenge of the day. You can handle it.

If you’ve read this article and put into practice the tips listed above, you may benefit from having a depression therapist hold you accountable while also helping you to process barriers to your success. See our page about depression therapy and treatment in Philadelphia, or Contact us today at 267-495-4951 or on our contact us page to see how we might be able to help. If you need help from further away or have a fear of one-on-one therapy sessions, visit our page about online depression therapy for more information!

Courtney Miller, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a warm, empathetic approach, specializing in children, teens, and young adults, including the LGBTQ+ community. Utilizing her artistic background, she employs creative and experiential methods in therapy. Courtney focuses on overcoming mood disorders, trauma, and relational dynamics, particularly addressing C-PTSD and narcissistic wounds. She emphasizes understanding patterns and enhancing existing strengths, offering tools like mindfulness and thought reframing. With a BA in Psychology and Fine Art from SUNY New Paltz and an MA in Mental Health Counseling from CUNY Brooklyn, she has experience in family dynamics and LGBTQ+ youth support. Based in Philadelphia, Courtney enjoys crafting, travel, biking, and spending time with loved ones.

Learn more about Courtney Miller ⇒

The post Can’t Wake Up? Motivation to Get Out of Bed When Depressed appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Transference and Countertransference

What is transference?

Transference in therapy

Transference in real life

How can I explore my transference?

Some common experiences of transference are:

• Paternal transference – an individual experiences a person as a father figure with common values associated with your perception of that father figure in your life or a societally idealized father figure. Within the therapeutic relationship, you may take on the role you had as a child with your therapist if you perceive the therapist to be that of your father. One may have projected thoughts or feelings surrounding client’s perceptions of the therapist based on the history with their father. 

• Maternal transference – an individual experiences a person as a mother figure with common values associated with your perception of that mother figure in your life or a societally idealized mother figure. Within the therapeutic relationship, you may take on the role you had as a child with your therapist if you perceive the therapist to be that of your mother. You may have projected thoughts or feelings surrounding your perceptions of the therapist based on your history with your mother.

• Sibling transference – an individual experiences a person as a sibling figure. You may have experienced this in your workplace, school, or in your social circles. For example, having that one friend that is like a sister you can count on or having that coworker who reminds you of a younger sibling after you trained them. This may bring out different parts of you based on your present or past relationships with your siblings, not the relationship with said friend or coworker. 

• Non-familial transference – is experienced typically when idealizing a figure in society with their role or occupation that has had an impact on you. For example, believing your doctor or nurse has the cure to every medical symptom, a cop always being right as an authority figure, or a teacher never being able to make a mistake.

• Sexualized transference – is experienced when an individual has an attraction to their therapist that may be erotic or eroticized. Erotic transference is understood by a patient as unrealistic and sexual in nature and typically viewed as a positive experience. Eroticized transference is typically described as irrational erotic preoccupation with the therapist; it is viewed as negative and can be detrimental to the therapeutic relationship if getting in the way of accomplishing healthy therapeutic goals.

What is countertransference?

Why is countertransference important?

Questions to Ask Myself To Recognize My Own Transference

• What do I envision therapy being like? (This may inform your transference of therapy as a whole.)
•  What is it that I would want from my therapist?
  • How does intersectionality (race, class, age, gender) impact my view of therapy?
    • Does the therapist’s gender matter to me? 
    • Does the therapist’s age matter to me? 
    • Do I care if my therapist is married or not? 
    • Do I care if my therapist has children of their own? 
    • Will I judge them if they are divorced? 
  • Do I prefer a therapist or a psychologist? 
  • Do years of experience providing therapy play a part in my engagement in therapy?
  • Does it matter how my therapist looks or dresses? 
• How do I recognize when I’m feeling activated in a projection? 
  • What does my body tell me? 
  • Where do my thoughts go? 
  • How am I emotionally feeling? 
  • Do my behaviors change? 
  • Are there trigger words or topics? 
  • Are there specific people or things that activate me when talked about? 
• What are my attachments typically like when I’m experiencing transference? 
  • Do I shut down, or do I lean into the relationship that is activating me? 
• How can I create a healthy emotionally corrective experience in therapy? What do I need to feel safe to explore the projection?
• Does genderism in the therapeutic relationship impact my engagement in therapy?
• Do external factors such as: how hungry or tired I am, time of day, day of the week, my work/school stress, what my children are up to, my outside relationships, impact my engagement in therapy? 
• What did I think of my last therapist’s ability? What did I like and why? What did I not like and why?
• Have I ever experienced transference before? If so, what was the situation? How did I become activated? 
• What are my projections? How might they impact that therapeutic relationship?

The post Experiences in the Therapeutic Relationship appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Considering trauma-focused therapy for yourself or your child? TF-CBT is a highly effective, short-term treatment for individuals aged 3-21 dealing with trauma. It involves individual sessions, caregiver involvement, and family sessions to help manage symptoms, build coping skills, and create a supportive environment. Caregivers play a crucial role in reinforcing these skills. This guide will help you understand what to expect and decide if TF-CBT is right for you. For more information or to schedule an appointment, contact The Better You Institute.

Breakdown of trauma-focused therapy sessions.

Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) is a conjoint child and caregiver approach to therapy where the child and at least one caregiver should participate in the treatment. There are also times when the client and therapist will decide to add additional family members in conjoint family sessions. While caregiver involvement is recommended but not required, it is the single most important predictor of effective TF-CBT treatment outcomes.  Below you will find the three types of sessions used in TF-CBT:

• Individual sessions are first used to help the main client learn about trauma, and then they begin to identify how their trauma specifically impacts them. First, they identify their traumatic experiences and post-traumatic stress symptoms. Unique to the TF-CBT model, clients don’t jump right in to talk about specific details of their traumatic experiences. Instead, clients will name how trauma affects their body, emotions, thinking, and actions. For example, after a serious car accident, a child may draw a picture of them with scribbling on their belly to show what happens when they get ready for school. This picture may be them sharing about nausea they experience whenever it’s time to get to the car for a ride to school. Individuals also start learning specific techniques for managing the symptoms that affect their body, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. They practice the skills between sessions and come back to see what worked and what didn’t.

As the young person feels more in control of their post-traumatic stress symptoms, they may be ready to begin recalling detailed memories about the experience. Slowly, as they talk more about their trauma week-to-week, they will begin to feel less threatened by talking about it. Getting their story out in an organized format helps a person gain mastery over the memory and restore memories in the brain where the memory isn’t as fear-based anymore. Some young people use art, poetry, music, and other ways to get their story out. This story is called a trauma narrative.

• Collateral caregiver sessions include someone else in individual therapy sessions with the therapist to help the main person in therapy. Usually, this is a parent or guardian with whom the young person eventually shares their story. It is important that the caregiver who is involved is not the suspected perpetrator of the abuse. The person involved needs to be a safe adult and not someone who the child associates as a past or current threat. This person will also be learning all about trauma and the ways it has impacted the main child. They will also learn the same skills and be encouraged to practice those skills and remind them to use them when they experience a trauma trigger. For example, they might help the child who is worried about getting into the car to practice deep breathing and even do the breathing with them to help reduce their anxiety while riding in the car.

In addition to learning specific techniques to help their child manage the symptoms that affect their body, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, the caregiver will also learn additional parenting techniques using behavioral management. They will explore the motivation behind their children’s behavior, learn which behaviors to ignore, which behaviors to reward, and when to give consequences. They will practice the parenting skills between sessions and come back to see what worked and what didn’t.

During these sessions, the therapist helps the caregiver process the secondary trauma and stress that they may be experiencing. The same skills that work for the child may work for the caregiver. And the separate environments allow both the main client and the caregiver to process their experiences without worrying about overwhelming or undermining the other person.

• Conjoint family sessions will include the main client and other family members in a family session with the therapist. These sessions increase family communication and cohesion and draw on family strengths to support one another. These sessions are also for exploring and resolving relationship conflict. Families sessions also address barriers to treatment as they come up. For example, the therapist may be having a hard time getting the child to remember how they act when getting ready for school. Insight from other family members might reveal that the child’s breathing shallows, clench their stomachs, and lock themselves in the bathroom every morning before school.

Later, the person who attended the collateral sessions may sit in on a session where the child shares their trauma story. Sharing the story with someone who “gets it” further supports a person’s healing. This person has learned similar tools that the child has during treatment and is now empowered to bear witness to the child’s story and provide the appropriate support. If that person has not gone through the treatment, they may unintentionally minimize, blame, or make unhelpful assumptions about the main client’s trauma. Therapists recommend that the child share their story. To do so, the therapist will help prepare the child to share their story with their caregiver. With that said, not every child decides to share. Ultimately it is the child’s choice. They may decide to share after therapy has ended on their timeline.

 What is the main client/child’s role in TF-CBT?

• To think about a parent or adult who I think might help me to heal from my trauma.

o    If I honestly can’t identify one, I can continue with the therapy

•   To understand trauma and how it has impacted me by being open and honest in sessions

o    By learning the patterns and why I start to act, think, and feel a certain way after specific things remind me what happened.

•   To begin practicing relaxation skills to manage my body symptoms and talk about what works for me and what doesn’t.

o    By learning how belly breathing can help me whenever my heart races, my breathing quickens, or other reminders of my trauma.

•   To begin practicing affect identification skills by talking about the emotions that I experience.

o    By learning new emotions words to name what I’m feeling on the inside

o    By connecting feelings in my body with certain emotions, like why my stomach always feels like butterflies when I get worried or nervous

o    By learning to regulate the intensity of my emotions rather than feeling like my intense emotions are controlling me

•   To begin practicing cognitive coping, learning how my thoughts lead to certain emotions and actions

o    By starting to keep a record of the thoughts I have right before certain experiences

o    By using sessions to practice testing my thinking and measure whether my thoughts are factual and helpful

•   To learn effective communication skills in family sessions

o    By learning and practicing reflective listening or assertive communication with the people in my family

•   To master my trauma memories after I am feeling physically and emotionally safe to talk about them

o    By choosing to remember what happened and tell my story

o    By using all the skills, I have learned to apply them to my trauma narrative and identify the strengths I have gained through my life experiences

•   To experience support from someone who I feel safe with and who I can trust

o    To potentially share my story with a caregiver or another adult in my family who has gone to the treatment with me. Or to share my story with the therapist who I have been working through my treatment.

What is the caregiver’s role in TF-CBT?

•   To understand trauma and its impact on the child/primary client and the family
•   To discuss my feelings and thoughts about my child’s traumatic experience in collateral sessions
•   To learn techniques to improve parenting skills through behavioral management such as:

o    Specific praise

o    Reward systems

o    Selective attention and appropriate use of time outs

•   To process how my trauma history may be impacting my child in separate sessions
•   To learn effective communication skills in family sessions such as

o    Reflective listening

o    Assertive communication

o    Clarifying roles and expectations

•   To begin practicing relaxation skills to manage my self-care and to support my child’s coping skills

o    Belly breathing

o    Progressive muscle relaxation and body scans

o    Guided imagery

•   To receive coaching and support on how to balance, empathy, compassion, structure, stability, and consequences for my child who experienced trauma.
•   To potentially listen to my child share their life story, from their perspective, in a conjoint session.

Choosing to start therapy is a huge decision but learning which therapy approach to use can pose an even bigger decision. Now that you have read about what to expect from trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy, you may be closer to choosing if this is the approach that is right for you or your child. As one of the most effective ways to treat childhood trauma, knowing what to expect from TF-CBT can leave you motivated to seek treatment. If this sounds like an approach that you are interested in starting or have more questions about TF-CBT, you can call The Better You Institute and make an appointment at 267-495-4951. We also offer online therapy and counseling for those who live outside the Philadelphia area or do not wish to participate in one-on-one therapy sessions.

The post What is Trauma Focused Therapy and What to Expect? appeared first on The Better You Institute.

Trauma focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT) is used to treat childhood trauma. Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy helps people between 3 and 21-years-old who are experiencing significant difficulties related to traumatic life events. Trauma happens when an experience disrupts a person’s sense of safety and their ability to cope. Childhood trauma comes in all shapes and sizes. Some childhood traumas that young people experience include significant loss, medical injury or illness, bullying, or sexual, emotional, or physical abuse. A child can also experience trauma by witnessing someone else’s trauma, such as domestic violence or witnessing a car accident. 

Childhood is a vulnerable time, but trauma during this stage of life can be especially devastating. The experience of childhood trauma is unique, but trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy is one of the most effective ways to help children and their families recover. Many studies have proven trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy to work effectively. Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy is an approach to helping children and their families overcome trauma by learning to manage the emotional, mental, and behavioral effects of trauma. Being informed in trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy will allow you to decide if this is the best treatment for you or your child. 

Who needs Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF CBT)?

For some people, the impact after a devastating experience can feel far worse than the experience itself. Childhood trauma is a parent’s worst nightmare. The impact of childhood trauma impacts the child, the parents, and the family.  Sometimes the changes are immediate, and sometimes a young person begins to feel, act, and think differently much later on in life. TF-CBT is most effective for young adults, adolescents, and children. Other trauma therapies such as EMDR may be helpful if you are an adult or if TF-CBT does not sound like the right fit for you. 

How to recognize trauma and the need for TF-CBT?

Experts define trauma as an experience where a person feels they had no control, where someone or something threatens the emotional or physical safety of themselves or someone they love, and where they experience changes that limit their ability to cope. People may experience different changes depending on their age.  A young person might have nightmares, wet the bed, or have strong reactions to things that remind them about what happened. They might have changed from being a happy-go-lucky child to being sad all the time, having angry outbursts, fight more with siblings or school friends, or withdrawal. They might seem numb and unaffected and try to avoid everything that has to do with what happened to them. These changes might lead to school problems or problems at home.

What to expect as a parent or guardian?

Parents may have a difficult time trying to help their children. Even if a child wants to express themselves, they may not always know how to communicate what has happened or how they feel. Parents often feel lost and wish that their children could tell them exactly what they need from them. Parents sometimes even experience secondary trauma when they learn what happened to their child. 

Some parents feel guilty that the trauma happened. They question how something like this could have happened without them knowing. Anxiety overcomes some parents’ thinking that the trauma will happen again. The behavioral difficulties that stem from childhood trauma may get frustrating to address for both the parent and the child. Finding the balance between what is normal child activity and what is trauma-induced can be difficult. You may start to question the idea of setting boundaries, having structure, and using discipline if you are worried that these things are too harsh on your child after trauma occurs. It’s not always easy to know how to balance between being compassionate and understanding and knowing when to give more structure and stability. Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy can help empower a parent or caregiver relieving stress around their child’s trauma. Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy can also help the child learn how to cope with the trauma they experienced.

Where did Trauma-Forced Cognitive Behavioral Therapy start? 

TF-CBT was first developed in the 1990s by three doctors who specialize in mental health: Judith Cohen, Esther Deblinger, and Anthony Mannarino.  Their original goal was to serve children who had experienced sexual abuse. As time continued, other therapists learned that this approach worked for other traumas too. They added more techniques to the approach. And since then TF-CBT has expanded to include services for young people who have experienced multiple types of trauma. TF-CBT is now used to help single or repeated experiences of sexual, physical, or mental abuse, neglect, bullying, traumatic loss of a loved one, exposure to violence in the home or community, family separations, medical traumas, and many other types of traumatic events. It has been researched and shown to be effective with a variety of ages, including children as young as 3 years old, and young adults as old as 21-years-old. 

What type of therapy is Trauma-Forced Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

TF-CBT addresses the specific emotional, mental, and behavioral health needs of children and their families following a traumatic experience. The approach is also easily adapted to work for children at specific ages. TF-CBT includes cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT focuses on how thinking affects behavior. TF-CBT is a combination of different therapy techniques to address the different changes that occur.  

•     A trauma-focused perspective recognizes the unique impact of post-traumatic stress on multiple areas of a person’s life. When in session, the therapist is knowledgeable of post-traumatic stress symptoms, and the way stress affects the brain, body, thoughts, and emotions. Therapists create safety for the clients by using different techniques like relaxed breathing and guided imagery. Safety allows the client to discuss their trauma in more depth.
•     Cognitive-behavioral interventions help clients to start recognizing the connection between their thoughts, feelings, and actions using their day-to-day experiences. Sometimes there are also activities to do at home like monitor your thoughts and then come back to the next session to talk about them.
•     Behavioral management principles help parents learn ways to increase acceptable behaviors and decrease unacceptable behaviors. For example, parents learn the motivation behind their children’s behavior to feel empowered to know which behaviors to ignore, which behaviors to reward, and when to give consequences.
•     A family systems approach recognizes that a is impacted by their relationships with others as often as they impact others. This is why the approach includes other family members as often as possible, to help the whole family heal.
•     A strengths-based, person-centered, and recovery-driven model aligns with a popular movement in mental health. This approach focuses on empowering individuals and their families, using strengths that they already have. It is also uniquely tailored to the specific needs and barriers of each family. And the approach helps people return to either a previous or higher level of functioning.

Learn more about what to expect from trauma focused therapy.

How long does Trauma-Forced Cognitive Behavioral Therapy last? 

TF-CBT is a short-term treatment that generally lasts anywhere between 12-24 sessions, depending on the nature of the trauma and who is involved in the treatment.  Sessions are weekly and range from one to one and one-half hour sessions. Therapists have implemented this approach in outpatient mental health therapy offices, group homes, community centers, in-patient hospitals, schools, and in-home settings. Over 80% of children who receive TF-CBT experience significant improvement after about 8-weeks of trauma therapy treatment.

What now? 

While childhood trauma may feel like a nightmare has come true in your family, trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy can be the comforting glow of light that gets your family through the difficult nights.

Once you recognize that you or your child is experiencing trauma, deciding which therapy approach will work for your family can be a tough choice.

Now that you have some information about trauma and trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy, you may have more questions. You can read more about what to expect from this type of therapy here.  If you are ready to explore this therapy approach further, you can call The Better You Institute and make an appointment at 267-495-4951 with one of our trauma specialist therapists, or visit our page on individual trauma therapy. We also offer online trauma therapy for those who do not live in the Philadelphia area.

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Starting birth control is an important decision that can impact your health and well-being in many positive ways, but it can be intimidating to bring up the topic with a loved one. Whether you’re dealing with issues like premenstrual dysphoric disorder, acne, or simply wanting to take control of your reproductive health, having a supportive conversation with a trusted family member can make all the difference. Remember, you have the right to seek birth control on your own if you’re 14 or older, but discussing it with someone you trust can provide you with guidance and confidence. Choose a female relative you feel comfortable with, prepare for the conversation by anticipating questions, and be honest about your reasons. This open dialogue can help you feel supported and informed, making the process less overwhelming. 

Things to consider when starting birth control

You might feel nervous about letting a family member know that you’ve become or plan to become sexually active. You might also feel concerned about whether or not your family member will approve your decision to use birth control. These are all common and valid concerns young women may have when planning to obtain birth control. Talking to a loved one about starting birth control doesn’t have to be scary. There are several ways to assure you have a relaxed and beneficial conversation if you talk to a loved one about starting birth control.

The first thing to be aware of is that if you are 14 years or older, you do not need parental consent to get on birth control. That’s right – you can do this on your own if you wish. That being said, if you are on your parents’ insurance, they may be notified or have access to your prescription information or a record of your visit to a healthcare provider. With that said, we recommend talking to a loved one about starting birth control before they find out via their insurance bill. When you have the discussion is ultimately up to you, though. You are the best judge of how your loved one might respond and how you might feel.

If you choose to talk to a family member about birth control before you seek it out, you might first wonder who exactly to speak to. Mothers are a good go-to, but so are aunts, cousins, or even grandmothers. Male family members may be receptive to your feelings but may not answer any actual birth control process questions. A female family member you trust has probably had their own experiences with birth control that they can offer to you.

What to expect during the conversation about birth control

Once you’ve decided who to speak with, start gathering your thoughts. Anticipate what their questions for you might be, and you’ll feel less anxious if they come up. They might ask you why you want to start on birth control or want to know if you’ve become sexually active. Remember that they love you, and their primary concern is not being nosy but making sure that you are healthy in body and mind.

Next is deciding when and where to talk to your loved one about birth control. You might feel most comfortable talking to your loved ones when they are alone, and you can speak one-on-one. Consider the setting in which you will feel most comfortable having the conversation. A phone call, for example, is fairly private and may not be as nerve-wracking as speaking in person. Having the conversation by phone is also a good option if you are away from home, such as college.

When the conversation begins, remember that being honest keeps communication open. You might find that you feel good knowing you have support if you want to talk about other sensitive topics with someone in the future. Being honest about why you are looking to go on birth control is a good idea. If you’ve never been sexually active before and are nervous about starting the conversation, take a deep breath. Most people become sexually active at some time in their lives, and the loved one you choose to talk to has probably been there too.

Be mindful of the other person.

Sex is a natural part of becoming an adult and learning about yourself. Therefore, sex also represents you growing older and becoming an adult. Be mindful of your loved one’s view of you and sex. If your mother still refers to you as her baby, or your cousin can’t believe you have boobs, they may have a higher level of shock that they present to you when you bring up the topic of starting birth control. Allow them space to process what this means. You are not only asking about the logistics of birth control, but you’re also asking them to see you differently.

Be prepared for them to have intense emotions and invasive questions. Set the tone for the conversation. Give them space to process things with you while also being mindful of boundaries that you may need for yourself. Stay honest while also only sharing what you feel comfortable with. If your loved one seems overly shocked, we say “less is more.” You can always come back another time to continue the conversation if you have more questions.

Conclusion

Talking to a loved one about starting birth control shows that you are taking responsibility for your health and wellness when it comes to your sex life. It can seem overwhelming to begin the conversation, but you will feel much better moving forward in the process of obtaining birth control if you have someone to guide you through the process. Remember that you don’t technically require parental permission to get birth control, even if you are under 18. Talking to a loved one about starting birth control is simply an option that may make you feel more comfortable and allow you to ask questions of someone whom you know and trust, which will keep the lines of communication open and supportive. If you feel like you could benefit from talking with a teen therapist or sex therapist, contact us today! We also offer online teen therapy and online sex therapy if you live further away, or one-on-one therapy in an office setting is not something that you wish to do!

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Living away from family and parents is an exciting yet challenging step toward independence. This blog shares with you some tips to help you in this journey. While it offers the freedom to make your own choices, it also requires taking responsibility for your well-being, finances, and social life.

Prioritize self-care by maintaining a healthy lifestyle, managing your finances through careful budgeting, and keeping your living space clean to ensure a comfortable environment. Socialize with friends and roommates to avoid loneliness, maintain healthy communication with your parents, setting boundaries if necessary. Make thoughtful decisions and seek support if the transition feels overwhelming. Embrace this journey with confidence and enjoy the new experiences of living independently.

Taking Care of Yourself While Living Away From Family and Parents

Living away from your parents may seem exciting at first. No rules! You can eat what you want, sleep whenever, and no more chores. Though this is a tempting lifestyle to fall into, one of your main priorities when living by yourself should be taking care of yourself! Keeping a close eye on your wellness will positively translate to all other areas of your life.

Taking care of yourself can be simple. Work to get enough sleep, eat well, and try to get exercise. Pay attention to what your body is telling you. Are you feeling sluggish? Are you yawning more than usual? Have you become short-tempered? Making a schedule for each day will help you stay on track with your eating and how many hours you need to set aside to exercise and sleep. You don’t need to spend hours at the gym. Do your research and find out what your body type needs. Some research reports as little as 20 minutes of cardio four times a week can majorly improve your health.

Particularly for college students, it is easy to let these simple things fall by the wayside when the stress of work and/or school begins to build up. Although it may be hard to manage many commitments, remember that it will be difficult to give 100% if you’re not at 100%, for example, if you are sleep-deprived or eating empty calories regularly.

What about when taking care of yourself is even more urgent? When living away from parents, it can be a particular challenge to handle your sickness. For college students, it may difficult to handle your health when your professors may be strict about missing classes. The key is keeping tabs on your symptoms. Rudimentary illnesses can become very serious if you do not take proper enough care of yourself.

For example, it is easy to forget to hydrate yourself enough or eat enough food. Your parent won’t be there anymore to nag you into drinking water or make you chicken noodle soup. Dehydration or malnutrition from something as small as the stomach flu can require hospitalization if you don’t keep proper tabs on your food and water intake.

In other instances, you may acquire a virus or infection that is already serious. If you are unsure if you need medical attention, get in touch with a trusted friend, roommate, or neighbor. In college, you will have access to your health center. For college students, this may be your first step when you are feeling unwell. For others, your best free doctor is your local pharmacist; stop by or call and speak to them.

Don’t neglect yourself. It may seem not very comfortable to ask for help, but there are times when you need it. If you are sexually active, you should also be getting regular sexually transmitted infection tests. We recommend every 3-4 months if you are sexually active with multiple partners.

Finances While Living Away From Parents

Many young adults often cringe at the mention of money, but it quickly becomes an essential component of living away from parents. If you are a college student, you might still have some financial support from your family in the form of tuition, housing, or meals. Other college students and those entering the workforce may balance many types of expenses all at once.

Before you do anything, budget, budget, budget! You can only adequately handle your finances when you know what money has to go where.

You may find it helpful to keep a document or spreadsheet listing all of the money you receive (paychecks, public assistance, tuition refunds, gifts, etc.) with what you are spending (bills, rent, food, necessities, etc.). It would be best if you were recording this information regularly (at least once a month). When you do this, always plan for the worst-case scenario, meaning if you are unsure if you will be receiving a certain amount of money, don’t use it in your budget. Similarly, even if there is a 10% possibility of an expense, include it in your budget.

Unexpected expenses may be in the form of a car part, ticket, taxes, or clothes for a new job. You will feel most prepared if you know for sure that you will have the money you need. Creating a spreadsheet may sound tedious, but the work you put in up front will pay off in the long term by decreasing stress about money. You will feel more at ease, which plays into your overall well-being.

After settling how much of your income is going towards your expenses, you can determine what disposable income you have left. It is okay to have some debt as a young adult (as many young adults in the United States already do). However, the process of building credit also begins now.

Another thing you may be handling while living away from your parents is your first bank account or credit card. Most banks and credit card issuers have mobile apps to make it easier for you to check your balance, deposit checks, and lock your account if you see fraudulent activity. There are also budgeting apps and financial planning apps. Using mobile apps is a quick and easy way for you to keep track of finances since you will always carry your financial information with you!

If you are interested in using a credit card, do your research. Is a cashback or mileage option best for you? Do you need 0% APR for the first year to get your feet on the ground? Make your credit card work for you while also building your credit score. Credit scores are based partly on how old the length of your credit line is (i.e., your credit score will be higher if you took your first credit card or have a bill in your name in 2016 versus 2018).

Cleanliness

Cleaning is another topic that you may find irritating or intimidating. Your parents may have asked you to clean certain things while you lived with them. If so, you likely got a good look at the task of cleaning a home. When you live on your own for the first time, it can be easy to forget how important it is to keep your living space clean. You will be both healthier and happier. Cleaning assures that your new home is free of dirt and germs, but a clean appearance and smell will also help you feel calmer and more comfortable.

Living away from parents means the mess is all yours! Go at it at the speed and frequency you prefer. If you live with roommates, it might be difficult to share the work evenly. Consider making a “chore chart” and rotating different cleaning duties each week. Discuss this in person with your roommates to make sure everyone is on board. If a conflict arises, discuss things in person instead of over text. Tempers can boil over much quicker over electronic communication, and you will likely have a more positive response from a negligent roommate if you address your concerns in person.

Being Social

Living away from parents isn’t all work and responsibilities! Living with parents or siblings, you frequently have another person in the house ready to do activities with, eat a meal with, or chat. When you live independently, a massive point of social contact may become harder to attain, and you might feel a little lonely. Consider living with roommates. You can effortlessly do many of the same family-oriented activities that you did with your parents, such as watching TV, cooking, or spending leisure time together.

Living with roommates also provides you with support in paying your bills and staying on track with your budget. Or, if you choose to live on your own, just as you schedule your eating and workouts, be sure to plan social interactions with friends or family members every week.

Sometimes being [best] friends with your roommate(s) don’t work out. In this case, you may need to branch out and find other ways to scratch that social itch. If you are in college, then clubs, classes, and public spaces are accessible places to meet people, but you often have to put yourself out there. If you’re not in college, you may be struggling more to meet people. Be active in your workplace, join a social club, or pursue volunteer work if time allows. These are great opportunities to form many types of social relationships or even to network professionally.

Local Philadelphia social clubs and volunteer opportunities you may be interested in:

• Philadelphia Sport and Social Club (PSSC)
• Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA)
• Big Brothers, Big Sisters
• Casa Soccer League
• Penn NHL
• Cricket Club
• Google search for “where can I play [the sport you enjoy playing] in [your area].”
• InMovement
• Rebel Circus Arts
• Volunteer Center for South Jersey
• MeetUp groups with a common interest
• Book club
• Cooking club
• Harry Potter club
• Dungeons and Dragons
• Board games
• Writing
• Photography
• Bird watching
• Pennsylvania Association for Sustainable Agriculture (PASA)
• Do a simple Google search of “volunteer opportunities in [your area].”

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship With Your Parents

Moving away from your parents is hard. But it’s probably just as hard – if not worse – for your parents! Sometimes the relationship you had with your parents while living with them is different from what you have as an adult. This is okay! You are exploring life on your own and becoming more and more of an individual than you were even as a teenager, and it’s okay not to see eye-to-eye all of the time.

As a young adult, you should try to have at least casual and occasional contact with your parents just to “check-in” now and again. Sometimes this relationship can be more intense and become uncomfortable. Your parents may be showing up at your home or dorm unannounced and more frequently than you’d like or demanding multiple phone calls in a day. Living away from your parents means shifting the dynamic of you like a child they needed to care for to you as an adult they can trust will do well on their own.

If you are bothered that your parents aren’t affording you the independence you expected, take an opportunity to tell them how you feel and set boundaries with them. Let them know that you want to take advantage of your independence to help you prepare for the rest of adulthood. Also, ask yourself if there might be a reason. Did something terrible happen to you after you moved out that might be causing their concern? Assuring your family that you are making positive decisions and taking care of yourself (and being honest about it!) can make a difference.

On the other hand, you may be wondering why your parents never call you. You might have questions about day-to-day things and would appreciate it if there was a mutual expression of need between you and your parents. Let them know how you are feeling. Invite them to visit you, or ask if there is a convenient time to call them each week to chat. Again, your feelings towards your parents might be warmer than the ones you felt as a teenager. If you feel an urge to reconnect with them, go for it. You will likely be pleased you did. We are never too old to ask our parents for their help or opinions now and then. They’re still your parents, after all.

Making Smart Decisions

Parents and guardians are the figures in our lives who watch out for us. Maybe you had parents that screened your every move to make sure you were always healthy and safe. Maybe your parents let you be more independent and put a lot of trust in you to take care of yourself. Either way, it can get complicated when you are out of sight of people who set your boundaries. As a newly independent adult, especially if you are a college student, the boundary between fun and safety may be blurry and unclear.

There are activities of young adulthood that you may not receive approval for from your family. You will want to explore these events to see if they fit you, despite not fitting for some of your family members. Exploration is a necessary and natural tendency of young adults.

Not everything outside of your family’s approval is going to cause you harm, but you may also not worry enough about yourself to stay away from things that spell the most trouble. Know how to weigh risks and benefits. Does the benefit outweigh the risk? How likely are the risks? If harmed, how much would that risk affect your future?  At the end of the day, we all have choices. Some of our decisions we are proud of, and some of our decisions allow us to learn important life lessons.

In some situations, we know the better choice and need to listen to ourselves. You might be living away from your parents, but if their voice is still ringing in your head now and then, you’re probably listening to the right instincts. Responsibly exercising your new freedom will assure you forge a positive path into adulthood. 

Conclusion – Living Away From Parents

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Setting and achieving New Year resolutions can be challenging, but by making your goals clear and specific, breaking them into manageable steps, tracking your progress, and sharing them with supportive friends and family, you can increase your chances of success. Expect to encounter setbacks and view them as learning opportunities rather than failures. Remember why you set your goals in the first place and celebrate even small victories along the way. 

Set Concrete, Measurable New Year Resolutions

Your goal will be easier to achieve once you accurately define what exactly you want to accomplish. If your goal is “to become healthier”, then determine what “healthier” means to you. For example, being healthier could mean drinking more water and eating vegetables with every meal. By giving your goal a precise definition, it will make it easier for you to understand what you are precisely striving for.

Common New Year Resolutions made concrete:

• Become Healthier → I want to drink more water, eat 2-3 servings of fruits and vegetables, exercise 3x/week, and cut down drinking to 1x/week
• I want to be happier → I want a better work/life balance where I see my friends at least 2x/week, I want to leave work at work, I want to practice gratitude
• I want to be cleaner → I want to organize my house, I want to dispose of the items I no longer use, and I want to do my laundry at least 1x/week
• Read more → I want to read one book each month, I want to read before bed every night, I want to read instead of being on social media
• Get good grades → I want to study more often, I want to take notes during class, I want to keep my phone in my bag so I can stay focused

Take Baby Steps

Don’t bite off more than you can chew. New Year Resolutions are typically set to progress you forward. Remember, the habits keeping you stuck in last year took time to develop. Be patient. You will make the changes you’re seeking. Ease yourself into the changes you want to see so that it won’t feel so overwhelming. By taking baby steps, you will begin to develop a habit, and you’ll be continuously accomplishing small goals along the way.

• Turning concrete long-term goals into smaller, short-term goals:
• Drinking more water → buy a reusable water container and set it on your desk
• Eat 2-3 more fruits and vegetables → substitute one unhealthy snack for a piece of fruit
• Exercise 3x/week → wake up and stretch each morning
• Cut drinking down to 1x/week → don’t bring alcohol into your home

Keep Track of Your Progress

Record your progress so that you can see how far you have come. Accomplishing little goals every day may not seem like a big deal, but when you can read the progress on paper, you will see how far you have come. By tracking your progress, you are reinforcing your goal-oriented behaviors.

• Growing your hair → measure your hair once a month
• Drinking water → write down how many bottles of water you drank every day
• Good grades → keep track of how you do on your graded assignments

Communicate With Others

Tell your friends and family about your new goals. By doing this, you will have more people to hold you accountable than just yourself. Spreading the word about your new goals will also make them feel like more than just wishful thinking. There will always be someone who can relate to you and who will root for your success.

• Study more → find a group of people to review with, go online or to your school to find a tutor
• Be healthy → go-to group workouts and make friends there
• Be Happier → reach out to your loved ones in person, online, or through text

Mistakes Will Happen

We’re all human, we all make mistakes. So don’t beat yourself up if you do something counterproductive. The fact that you are working to make a change in your life is an achievement in itself and should be celebrated. Every time you make a mistake, treat it as a lesson and continue to strive for your goal. Making long-term change is an uphill battle. Things will get difficult but you can continue to work on it without giving up.  

We make New Year Resolutions because we want to get a fresh start and better our lives. Throughout the year, make sure you remind yourself why you made your goals in the first place. Personal growth is precious, and any amount of it should be considered a victory. Keep these tips in mind when you find yourself struggling to accomplish your resolutions. If you need extra support, don’t hesitate to call The Better You Institute at (267)*******51 to get help from a mental health professional in Philadelphia, PA.

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