Clinically Reviewed By Nitasha Strait, Ph.D., M.Ed., MA, LMFT, CST
It’s normal to have relationship anxiety, especially as you step into a new relationship. “Does she like me?” “Where is this going?” “I hope he feels the same way!” Most couples experience some relationship anxiety at some point. However, beyond normal anxiety within a relationship could be an anxiously attached partner or someone who has an anxious attachment style, which may present bigger obstacles in the relationship. Learning how to help a partner with an anxious attachment can initially seem difficult. Often, couples find ways to navigate this anxious attachment style and stay together.
At the core of an anxiously attached partner is a deep fear of abandonment or loneliness. To help an anxiously attached partner, offer regular reassurance, keep communication open, set clear boundaries, and support their independence while reinforcing your connection. Being patient and participating in these behaviors can help them feel secure in the relationship.
As you navigate a relationship with someone who is anxiously attached, it is important to speak openly about feelings. Both partners should work to hold space for the other without judgment or rejection, which allows more constructive conversations on the topic.
What is an anxious attachment style?
A very basic description of anxious attachment style is a person who has a lot of worries about their relationship. Due to not feeling secure within the relationship, they seek a lot of validation and attention from their partner. They are usually very sensitive to small things their partners do or say and question their partner’s commitment and their own worth.
These insecurities often stem from their past experiences with parents or other important relationships that might have been inconsistent. Anxiously attached partners are often very thoughtful and caring in the relationship, sometimes overstepping their boundaries and exhausting themselves.
Has your partner always had an anxious attachment style?
Psychologists continue to believe that a person’s attachment style originates from their connection with their earliest caregivers. To view children’s attachment styles, psychologists examine their reactions when they are separated from and reunited with their primary caretaker.
Children with anxious attachments would cry and cling to their caretaker when they would try to leave and not be able to console themselves. Upon their caretaker’s return, these children would then respond with animosity or apathy. Children with avoidant attachment styles would treat both scenarios with little to no emotional response.
Finally, children with secure attachment styles would be visibly upset when their caretaker left but could console themselves. Securely attached children would also be filled with joy upon their caretaker’s return.
Was I born with an anxious attachment style?
Some research shows that attachment styles are correlated to innate characteristics. Researchers specifically looked at the Big Five Personality traits. For example, it is suggested that a child who experiences certain parenting styles and is higher on neuroticism or agreeableness may develop an anxious attachment style.
Adults with anxious attachment styles might have experienced caretakers who were inconsistent in attending to their needs during childhood. Sometimes, their caretaker would respond well to their needs, and sometimes, they would ignore them. This unpredictability would create confusion and anxiety about which side of their caretaker they would experience, leading to an anxious understanding of relationships.
Therefore, the short answer to the question, was I born with an anxious attachment style is yes and no. It’s the classic nature and nurture scenario where you may have been more susceptible to developing anxious attachment to your caretakers due to innate characteristics.
What does it mean for me in adulthood if I’m anxiously attached?
How does this relate to later life experiences in relationships? Many therapists and psychologists believe that the attachments you received or didn’t receive when you were younger carry onto relationships later in life as a rubric for how you should relate to others or how others will relate to you. Thus, early experiences create your attachment style to others in adulthood.
Anxious attachment styles may interfere with one’s ability to form healthy romantic relationships and affect other relationships, such as those with friends and family. People with an anxious attachment style are more likely to report experiencing many highs and lows in their relationships, such as being quick to fall in love, jealousy, or obsessive worry over their significant other.
They tend to seek long-term relationships more than most people and struggle to let relationships go even when they logically recognize the relationship is not good for them.
Anxiously attached individuals tend to have a higher tolerance for instability in their relationships and struggle to recognize a healthy one. In fact, they often feel bored when things are stable.
Additionally, individuals with anxious or avoidant attachments may have higher levels of cortisol, a stress hormone. In high amounts, cortisol contributes to health issues such as high blood pressure, weight gain, extreme fatigue, depression, anxiety, and intestinal problems.
Talk to one of our professional therapists to learn how to overcome your insecure attachment style and build a more secure attachment style in your relationships.
What does relationship anxiety feel like or look like?
One main characteristic of an anxious attachment style is relationship anxiety. Relationship anxiety is a type of anxiety that is targeted towards relationships, both romantic and platonic. You can experience relationship anxiety even if you do not have an anxious attachment style, though they are highly correlated. Relationship anxiety can cause the relationship to feel unfulfilling and can trigger a lot of pain and worry.
As stated above, relationship anxiety can exist without having an anxious attachment style. The biggest difference between relationship anxiety stemming from anxious attachment is that the anxiety is much more intense or extreme than those who experience relationship anxiety not stemming from an anxious attachment style. This article will focus on relationship anxiety within the context of an anxious attachment style.
Signs you have relationship anxiety stemming from an anxious attachment style
When we are in the throws of starting a relationship or in a long-term relationship, deciding to move onto the next phase of the relationship can make it difficult to stay objective when it comes to understanding our behaviors and attachment styles. It’s a good idea to check in now and then to see how you’re dealing with certain romantic situations. What is the cause of certain behaviors, thoughts, and emotions? Is it stemming from attachment wounds getting triggered, thus affirming your anxious attachment style?
Here is a list of some of the main signs of relationship anxiety stemming from an anxious attachment style:
- You often worry about whether your partner likes/loves you
- Even if they have verbally told you they are into you, they like you, they love you
- Even if they are consistent with how they show up and they follow through on things within the relationship
- You worry about whether your partner means what they say
- You tend to think there are underlying meanings to the things they say
- You struggle to take things at face value, often questioning everything
- You worry about whether your partner will break up with you
- Even if there is no evidence that they will do so, or evidence to show that they are committed (e.g., they just proposed, or they are talking in the future)
- Small things your partner does (such as forgetting to text you back) make you excessively anxious about the relationship and your value
- You often get jealous easily when your partner spends time with other people
- You often feel like the future of your relationship is uncertain therefore it is difficult for you to commit to plans
- You try to spend as much time with your partner as possible
- You would prefer if they did not leave you alone
- You become upset when they want to do something separate from you (hang out with their friends, do an activity you don’t like, etc.)
- You ask for frequent reassurance that they like/love you
- You lose sight of the positive things in the relationship and often focus on the bad and how that might impact the future of the relationship
How to talk to your partner about your relationship anxiety
If some of the above sound familiar, well done for being honest with yourself. Acknowledging to yourself that you have relationship anxiety is the first step in getting in front of it. Helping your partner to understand and recognize your anxiety is another way to help you overcome your relationship anxiety. Here are some essential ideas to consider:
- Have an open conversation with your partner about your internal experiences related to your relationship anxiety stemming from anxious attachment
- Let them know your symptoms
- Clue them into what happens for you in the moment you get triggered
- Help them support you through it by being open with your needs
- Communicate your thoughts and needs to feel comforted
- Own your attachment style and work to accommodate it to create safety for yourself
- Tell them if you want them to tell you they love you more often
- Be direct: make sure they understand what you need instead of assuming they know
- Whether you want more quality time with them or words of affirmation, let them know
- Let your partner know what you need early on in the relationship so the relationship anxiety does not build-up
- If your partner has an avoidant attachment style, they may have a hard time understanding your attachment style
- An avoidantly attached partner may feel overwhelmed or suffocated by your needs. Try not to personalize this and be understanding that they have their own attachment style and history with their caregivers
- Discuss the hardships that may come with dating someone with a different attachment style than your own
- Troubleshoot how to overcome each of these hardships
- Honor where each of you has come from, recognizing your childhood experiences don’t have to be your adult self’s future
- Challenge yourself to shift out of anxious attachment and become more secure
- When your partner is attuned to your needs, take a moment to let that permeate you.
- How does it feel in your body?
- Where does it make your thoughts go?
- Does it remind you of anything?
- What emotions are you feeling?
- Slow down and think about your attachment style and its symptoms before you respond anxiously to your partner. Is how you perceive something based on reality or based on your anxious attachment style?
- What would your most secure self say, do, think, feel? Can you embody that and see where it takes you?
- When your partner is attuned to your needs, take a moment to let that permeate you.
How to be there for your partner if they have relationship anxiety
Of course, the roles may be reversed, and you may find yourself recognizing some typical relationship anxiety behaviors in your partner. Here are some helpful things you can do as a partner of someone with relationship anxiety:
- Listen to their needs and concerns
- Tell them directly and often your positive thoughts and feelings toward them
- Though an individual with relationship anxiety stemming from an anxious attachment style might be unsure whether you mean the words you say, they also need confirmation that you are there for them and truly like them
- Be consistent with your attention towards them
- Since relationship anxiety typically originates from an inconsistent caregiver, it is important to give them the consistency to show them other types of relationships can exist in the world
- Be patient
- Follow these steps of engagement in this order:
- I hear that you’re felling xx OR I am hearing your discomfort with me doing xx
- Do you want me to validate and listen more to your experience or do you need me to help you problem solve the issue?
- Validate: It makes a lot of sense why you’re feeling xx if you’re seeing me do yy OR It sucks to feel that way, that’s a really tough spot to be in!
Problem solve: [Reassure, set a boundary, and then help solve] I love hanging out with you! I can’t cancel my plans with my friends, but I can come hang out with you afterward. OR I love you very much! I see things a little differently than you do. Are you open to hearing how I’m viewing this situation? It may help you feel better about things.
- Sit in the anxious partner’s response, and start the steps over again by making sure they feel heard/seen.
Possible reasons for relationship anxiety stemming from being anxiously attached.
There are numerous reasons for what causes relationship anxiety. Psychologists and therapists alike genuinely believe that our attachment styles and the symptoms that come from them, such as relationship anxiety, were beneficial coping mechanisms in our childhoods. However, into adulthood, these coping mechanisms become somewhat maladaptive and hinder our adult relationships and our ability to connect to others.
Some of the following may have a larger part to play in why relationship anxiety exists:
- Infidelity and relationship insecurity
- If your current partner has cheated on you or a past partner has cheated on you, it can reaffirm your negative self-image and low sense of Self you developed in childhood from your relationship with your caregivers
- You won’t feel valued in your relationship, thus unsure of your role leading to anxiety
- Inability to be emotionally vulnerable
- It wasn’t safe growing up
- Past relationships validated it still isn’t safe to be vulnerable
- Due to an inability to trust yourself, low self-esteem or sense of Self
- Due to an inability to trust the other person
- When we can’t be vulnerable with others, we create inner dialogue that may not be based in reality but instead in anxiety
- Negative view of relationships
- If your parents or caretakers had a really negative relationship, this can cause you to be more apprehensive in the relationship
- Negative thinking and negative thoughts about intimate relationships or romantic partners
- If you experienced controlling behaviors from your partner in past relationships
- Insecure attachment to parents
- Low self-esteem or sense of Self
- Other mental health issues
Are you destined to have an anxious attachment style forever?
No! Though attachment styles may seem permanent, you can shift from an anxious attachment style to a more secure attachment. There are many ways you can overcome an anxious attachment style. You are already on your way to changing it simply by reading this blog post. One way is to acknowledge and work to understand your attachment style and the nuances that come with it.
Another way is to Identify thoughts about the relationship that stems from your attachment style not the current relationship. This reflection will help you change your interactions that result from your attachment style, leading to relationship anxiety. Lastly, you want to be mindful that these narratives and understandings of the world took years to develop. Be patient with yourself as you unlearn or challenge unhelpful understandings and learn or practice ways of thinking, feeling, and acting that are more conducive to the life you want to lead.
Are you better off without all the anxiety?
The short answer is no. Every relationship comes with its own set of challenges, but these can also be opportunities for growth and deeper connection. If you believe your partner has an anxious relationship style, know that your relationship can thrive with patience, understanding, and consistent effort.
Ultimately, this level of work, vulnerability, patience, and understanding can lead to a deeper, longer-lasting relationship. It’s a journey that demands attention and care, but together, you can build a bond that is not only resilient but also profoundly rewarding. Stay hopeful and committed to each other, and you’ll find that even the most challenging dynamics can result in a stronger, more loving partnership.
Who can help you?
With the help of a clinician at The Better You Institute, you can learn to develop a secure attachment. Call today to make an appointment for yourself or talk with a couples therapist. Whether you want to come in for individual counseling or you would like to do couples counseling, a clinician on our team can help you face relationship anxiety.
If talking to a therapist in person is not something you think you can do, we also offer online therapy and counseling for those in the Pennsylvania, Delaware, New Jersey, and Florida areas.
