Sensate Focus Exercises: Improve Intimacy with Sensate Therapy

Clinically Reviewed By Nitasha Strait, Ph.D., M.Ed., MA, LMFT, CST

Have you and your partner been wanting to find a deeper connection in the bedroom? Or, maybe your connection is struggling, and you are looking for a way to jumpstart your intimacy. Sensate focus therapy exercises for couples could be just the thing you are looking for! In this article, we will talk about what sensate focus is, give you sensate focus tips and techniques, and offer instructions to practice sensate focus.

What Is Sensate Focus?

Sensate Focus is a technique that has helped thousands of couples build on their connection, intimacy, sensuality, and sexuality. Masters and Johnson originally developed Sensate Focus in the 1960s. Sensate Focus is described as a set of formulated exercises to help you establish safety within the relationship, learn about your own sensations and those of your partner, and free yourself from outside pressures. The following sensate focus exercises are our adaptation of the Sensate Focus practice.

Sensate Focus Tips

Sensate Focus Techniques:

Set yourself up for success with the Sensate Focus exercises by following these tips:

Getting Plenty of Rest

Ensure you and your partner get plenty of rest before the exercises. While it’s great to feel relaxed by the end, you don’t want to fall asleep. If that happens, reschedule for a time when you both are well-rested and can stay awake throughout the session.

Eating Lightly

Eat lightly before the exercise. Oftentimes, when we overeat, we don’t feel our best in our bodies. Try not to let your over-full belly get in the way of your comfort and growth with your partner.

Rescheduling if Necessary

Reschedule the exercises if you and your partner aren’t getting along, feel distant, or if there is an unresolved issue. Instead, spend time resolving whatever issues may be present that serve as barriers to connection. Sensate focus exercises should be performed in a time of respect and connection. Get back to that before starting them. 

Allocating Time

Make sure you have enough time to complete the exercises. Try to switch partner roles within the same session without taking breaks, unless absolutely necessary.

Discussing Communication

Discuss communication strategies ahead of time. Determine how the receiving partner will indicate enjoyment. Options include scaling pleasure (1-10), using moans, or body movements. Or get creative and come up with your own forms of communication!

Getting Creative

Prepare creative tools to enhance the exercises. Gather items like feathers, leather, rope, lingerie, music, candles, and lighting beforehand to avoid interruptions. These items can help you explore your senses more fully.

Focusing on Sensory Experiences

The purpose of Sensate Focus is to immerse yourself in various sensory experiences, not to give a massage or touch in ways solely meant to please your partner. Focus on the sensory input without any distractions or predefined goals. Allow yourself to take pleasure in touching your partner. 

Discussing Experiences

Leave time at the end to discuss your experiences without comparing touching styles. Reflect on what it was like to be the receiver and the giver, noting preferences, pressures, areas of the body, and types of touch.

These exercises are typically done in stages over a period of several weeks. One person starts as the “giver” or “toucher,” and the other is the “receiver.” Partners then switch roles. Try to have one session where both partners get to receive touch in the same session. Eventually, you will reach the stage when there is mutual touching. If you do the exercises in the morning, you can enjoy other sexual activities in the afternoon or evening, or whatever timing works for you. The key is not to mix the exercises with your normal sexual activities.

 

Does Sensate Focus Really Work?

Many couples have found Sensate Focus to be highly effective in rekindling intimacy and building a deeper connection. The success of Sensate Focus lies in its ability to shift the focus from performance to sensation, creating a safe space for partners to explore each other without pressure. Studies suggest that couples who practice Sensate Focus often experience:

• Increased Emotional Intimacy: By focusing on each other’s sensations and communicating openly, couples can strengthen their emotional bonds.
• Reduced Anxiety: The non-goal-oriented nature of Sensate Focus helps reduce performance anxiety, allowing both partners to relax and enjoy the moment.
• Improved Sexual Satisfaction: Over time, the exercises can lead to a more fulfilling sexual relationship as partners become more attuned to each other’s needs and preferences.

What Is the Major Purpose of Doing Sensate Focus Exercises?

The primary purpose of Sensate Focus exercises is to enhance intimacy and rebuild sexual connection between partners. These exercises serves several key functions:

• Building Trust and Safety: Sensate Focus creates a structured, pressure-free environment where partners can explore each other’s bodies without the expectation of sexual performance.
• Enhancing Communication: It encourages open dialogue about sensations and preferences, helping partners understand and respond to each other’s needs better.
• Fostering Mindfulness: By concentrating on physical sensations, Sensate Focus promotes mindfulness and presence in intimate moments, deepening the connection between partners.
• Reducing Anxiety: Removing the focus from sexual performance helps alleviate anxiety, allowing both partners to experience pleasure more fully.
• Revitalizing Relationships: Whether used to address specific sexual issues or simply to enhance an already good relationship, Sensate Focus can revitalize intimacy and create a stronger emotional bond.

Sensate Focus Exercises & Instructions, Techniques, & Steps:

Sensate Focus Exercise Step 1

For 30-minutes, you will get the opportunity to explore your partner’s head from the shoulders up. This is a trust-building exercise as well as a safety and comfort exercise. You may use your hands or just your eyes and explore. Try to keep eye contact as best you can. You can talk, but minimally. This is more about connection through touch and eye contact than anything.

If you find yourself wanting to laugh, let yourself. If you find yourself wanting to cry, let yourself. Please give in to any emotions that you have (as long as they’re safe for you and your partner at that moment). Do not go any further than your partner’s lower neck.

You may choose to do this exercise fully clothed*, in your undergarments, or naked. Ride the wave of emotions that will come over you. Pay attention to what you feel, where your thoughts take you, and how that drives your actions with your partner. Most of all, enjoy the time while connecting with your partner.

For the Giver: What do you see? What do you feel? Where is your attention drawn? How do you find yourself wanting to touch them?

For the Receiver: What is it like having your partner explore you in this way? What do you notice about yourself? Where do you want them to touch? What feels good, what feels uncomfortable? How is it keeping eye contact?

*If you chose to stay clothed during this exercise, repeat the exercise but this time, remove your clothing and be completely naked with your partner.

Sensate Focus Exercise Step 2

Each of you is going to spend at least 30 minutes exploring the other’s full body outside of their genitals and breasts. Feel free to use your hands, lips, tongue, feather, scratcher, etc. If you use your mouth in any way, you do not have permission to try to make out with the person, touch their genitals, or any other activity that would fall into the typical “sex” category.

You do have permission to kiss their shoulder and knee and feel the difference between the two. You do have permission to lick the cress of your partner’s back and see how that feels for you and them. How does it taste? Have a conversation prior to starting the exercise to make sure the receiver doesn’t have any limitations.

Remember, the goal of the exercises is to create safety and trust. As you move forward in the stages, the idea is that some of these limitations will decrease or go away due to established safety and trust. This step should be done naked, but this is based on what you feel comfortable with. Clothing is optional*. 

Wherever you start, we will build on that in each of the stages. Both the front and the back of the receiver should be explored. Make time in the end to discuss your experiences.

*If you chose to stay clothed during this exercise, repeat the exercise but this time, remove your clothing and be completely naked with your partner.

Sensate Focus Exercise Step 3

Each of you is going to spend at least 45 minutes exploring the other. Feel free to use the “props” you brought (e.g., feathers, leather items, soft blanket, etc.). This time you are allowed to explore your partner’s genitals and breasts (aka erogenous zones). You are not allowed to use your tongue or replicate any action that would be, or is similar to, oral or manual genital manipulation.

Again, have a conversation prior to starting the exercise to make sure the receiver doesn’t have any limitations. Each of you should be naked for this exercise. Again, create time afterward to discuss what your experiences were. What is it like for your partner to touch you? Which touches do you enjoy the most? What was your least favorite part of the exercise? What did you want more of, less of?

**During each of the prior stages, feel free to take turns trying a “hand riding” technique as a means of nonverbal communication. By placing one hand on top of your partner’s hand while being touched, you can show how and where you would like to be touched by indicating more or less pressure, faster or slower pace, or a change to a different spot. The goal in providing your partner with this feedback is to give them some guidance, not to control how they are touching you.**

Sensate Focus Exercise Step 4

This time instead of taking turns, you are going to mutually touch one another at the same time. The stages before in Sensate Focus were about experiencing your own sensations where you got to lay and take it all in or focus solely on giving touch; this stage is about practicing more natural, or real life, forms of physical interaction with one another.

Each partner will shift attention to a part of their partner’s body and away from watching their own response. Experience negotiation where you may want to move your partner’s body, or they may want to move on their own.

Again, feel free to use props for this exercise. You can also use different body parts and include genitalia and breasts. Like the other stages of Sensate Focus, you’re going to pay attention to the sensations, both for you and your partner. Does your partner enjoy something, do they want you to move to a different spot, do they want a different type of touch? How are you liking this touch? Do the two of you align with each other for which type of touch you’re doing at the same time?

This stage should be done while both partners are naked. As usual, no matter how sexually aroused you feel, sexual intercourse, oral and digital manipulation are still off-limits. Remember, Sensate Focus is about enhancing the sensual dimensions of your relationship.

Sensate Focus Exercise Step 5

Here you will continue with the mutual touching of one another while moving into positions that feel more like intercourse. You can start with whatever position you’d like. Here are some suggestions of common positions: female-on-top position; male-on-top; side spoon; or doggy.

Without inserting the penis/dildo into the vaginal canal or anus, you can rub each of your genitalia against one another. Physical arousal is unnecessary here, but if it happens, let it.

Once you both feel as though you have a good sense of your own experiences in this position, try a new position. Try 2-3 positions for about 15 minutes each, or until you both feel you have a good sense of the sensations from each of the positions. Again, do not put the penis/dildo into the vaginal canal or anus.

If physical arousal to the point of ejaculation/orgasm occurs, that is okay. You should continue doing each of the exercises/positions after ejaculation/orgasm.

Sensate Focus Exercise Step 6

Start out this stage of Sensate Focus the same way you did in stage 5. Once you feel comfortable in that position and have a good sense of the sensations, you may progress to putting the tip of the penis/dildo into the vaginal cana or anus.

You should still focus on the physical sensations and stop or move back to non-genital touching if either partner becomes orgasm-focused or anxious. This is not about “finishing,” this is about prolonged sensational enjoyment and feeling one another.

It’s okay if one or both of you do not ejaculate/orgasm. That is not the focus of Sensate Focus. Continue this exercise for as long as each of you would like. Come to the decision to stop together.

Continuing Your Path to Intimacy

You have now finished The Sensate Focus Exercises. Remember, the primary goal of these exercises is not ejaculation, orgasms, or making out. However, if you both feel inclined to proceed to these stages of arousal after completing the assigned exercises, you are welcome to do so.

Sensate Focus is a journey, and some couples find value in repeating stages before moving on to the next one. Feel free to revisit any stage as many times as you like. Each repetition may reveal something new or offer an opportunity to explore a different variation. The key is to experiment, communicate, and most importantly, have fun!

We hope that you enjoyed this intimate exploration with your partner, discovering new depths of sensuality and connection. If you need further guidance or support, please feel free to give us a call at 267-495-4951. For more information, visit our relationship therapy & counseling page.